High Brow Humor At Its Finest: Celeb Sex Faces

December 21, 2010

Yeah, that’s what it is happening today.

I was planning on continuing my “discussion” aka “rant” about why I think Thor and Green Lantern look terrible, for instance their suits. Ryan Reynolds’ suit is CGI. Why? Ryan Reynolds is one of the few actors that seems to be walking around with a superhero 6 pack all the time. Put a suit on that. But no, they made a make-believe suit on the computer and made it look like he had a 6 pack that way. Then why hire Ryan Reynolds? Anyone can have a make-believe 6 pack when you’re using the technology of a computer to make it. All the suit is supposed to be is green and black. They didn’t have any green and black spandex in Los Angeles. I’m sure they did. Or how about Thor? He looks like a Power Ranger villain, which isn’t the worse thing in the world I suppose, but not what Thor generally looks like. Nevertheless, I think the real problem is that it appears that when Thor has his hammer* taken away from him by his pops that the suit leaves him as well. So does that mean every time he touches the hammer* the suit will appear out of thin air and assemble onto him? That seems stupid.

Oh yeah, and WHY ARE THEY ALL BRITISH?!

Why is Ryan Reynolds complaining the whole preview away that he cannot handle pressure meanwhile he is an air force pilot? I’m pretty sure they have some pressure/stress in their job being fighter pilots. And if he is so useless under pressure then why does our military keep him around? Because of his looks? That is just superficial… and I like it. Maybe we should send “pretty boy” over there to do the mission – oh God no. He can’t handle any pressure. It makes his delicate skin breakout in hives. No one wants to see that.

Nevermind.

Boom.

I was on WWTDD the other day (every day) and CelebBuzz owns his site or something and there was a link to one of their articles. I clicked on it and then clicked on a link to an article that was linked on that article and eventually down the rabbit hole I went until I found this article about “Celebrity Sex Faces”.

That’s Cameron Diaz and their joke is she is saying “that’s the spot”. That’s the other thing about this article I really liked – they tried to be funny on top of the pictures. The pictures are mindless and some are funny and some are a stretch, but either way they then added their own triple word score commentary and it makes it that much “better”. Usually “better” in the unintentional way. There are 30 of these pictures, so I’ll just choose some of my “favorites”.

If I was to label this pic – “That’s in my butthole.” Or something silly.

Wow. That is actually pretty hot.

Mandy Moore – yall. There joke is about how she is craving someone like candy. Get it? Candy? From 65 years ago when she wrote that song called “Candy”. I saw Mandy Moore in person once. She was tall and pretty. It was at a screening of Garden State in LA. She was standing a few lines over from me at the concession stand. I think I made my intentions pretty well known to Miss Moore with my “sexy eyes” / “stranger danger eyes” and those intentions was to be way too nervous to cross the 6 feet between us to say a God damn thing to her. She was also wearing heels which meant she was an amazon that made her appear more powerful than usual.

My comment for this picture would just been – “AAAHHH EEEHHH  IIIIHHH OOOHHH UUUUHHHH and sometimes YYYYHHHH… I came.”

Anne Hathaway. Well, their joke is that “you know you are doing something special when she motor-boats her lips and rolls her eyes”. True. I think that also can be said for if you are doing something epically boring. Maybe your sex is wildly uninteresting and this is how she plans on entertaining herself. She may also be being tazered. Or comically being drugged.

My joke would’ve been “That’s in my butthole.” Hey, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. In all intents and purposes, “That’s in my butthole” is applicable for each and everyone of these photos.

Ugh. Is Kristen Bell still with this jackoff? Could you imagine? It’s disgusting. I’m not saying that Kristen Bell is completely out of Dax Shephard’s league, but when your career’s high point is the early episodes of Punk’d … well you fill in the blanks.

Their joke is he is saying “roar, call me king kong” or something, which makes no sense. I would use either the butthole line or “Uggggh, I came immediately because Kristen Bell walked into our bedroom and I remembered it was “our” bedroom because she has bad taste in men and is with me and I get to touch her and stuff for no apparent reason.”

Gisele is like a lioness.

Their joke is Tom Brady doesn’t like teeth. Whatever. I think it would be better that “Tom Brady doesn’t fuck Gisele, Gisele fucks Tom Brady”. Is this what sex in Brazil looks like because I can deal with sunburn and rampant poverty for this.

I’m throwing up. I’m throwing up now. I’ll be back in a minute.

I threw up a few times. Their joke is “where has that thumb been?”

I just came back from throwing up more. There is nothing left inside of me because I have thrown up everything.

Are they suggesting that Cindy McCain’s thumb has been inside John McCain? Oh why?!!!! WHY?!!! I’m throwing up everywhere.

Celeb Buzz actually gets kind of crazy with some of these. Like the last one where I don’t know exactly what they are suggesting. This is of Shia LaBeouf. He’s wearing a paper bag over his head as we all can see. Their joke is “his mom made him do it”. I don’t know what that means. I’m not sure what they are implying either. The only two ideas I have:

1. Shia’s mother controls how he has sex. In this case, Shia’s mom wants him to have sex with some person, but she wants him to wear a brown paper bag while doing it. Her motives for this are purely questionable.

2. This is going to sound bad, but is he fucking his mom? I’ve only ever heard the joke about putting a paper bag on someone’s head who you are having sex with because they’re ugly/you don’t want to see their face. And it is his mom who is asking him to do it. This is just the creepiest thing ever.

Next.

This one is pretty good. He’s biting his lips and such like a woman does, so it works. They have some joke about him vampire biting a chick on her lady parts. My joke is that whoever is the boyfriend or husband of said chick(s) he is looking at in this picture – well you better get used to infidelity real quick because he banged them.

There it is. Kristen Bell. Well, their joke is that she is saying she can fit her whole fist in her mouth. Originally, when I saw this picture I was expecting a joke about her achieving an orgasm in some way whether it be digits, tongue, robot penis, regular penis, cucumber et cetera. But I guess there lies the difference between myself and Celeb Buzz. When Celeb Buzz sees a pretty woman with her mouth open and eyes bugging out in a gallery of sex pictures, they can only think about shoving something down her throat. Meanwhile, I’m thinking she is being pleasured wildly and then a couple minutes later something can be shoved down her throat. So, I’m just saying – I might be a better date than Celeb Buzz.

J-Tims being silly. Celeb Buzz’s joke is “I can’t control it. My eyes cross and I poop my pants.” Literally, word for word that is what they wrote. Wow. If this is still supposed to be involving sex then I guess in Celeb Buzz’s imagination that Justin Timberlake blows his load and it feels so good that his eyes cross and his defecates into his own pants. Wow. That’s quite the story. I hope he sees this, gets offended and meets the people at Celeb Buzz. “You think I shit my pants after or during sex? What is wrong with you people?”

Of course, my joke would be “That’s in my butthole.” Fucking GOLD!

Here is Khloe Kardashian. She wants IT. Anyway, their joke is brilliant, “Lamar, those are my boobs not basketballs.” What? Her husband is Lamar Odom the professional basketball player of the LA Lakers, but what in the hell is going on with their sexing? Is he dribbling her boobs or trying to dunk them in a hoop? Either way, stupid Lamar. He’s so stupid he doesn’t know the difference between his wife’s breasts and a basketball. Dummie.

Fun fact about Lamar Odom – he eats like a child. He loves candy and eats it all the time. All the time. So much so it became a debate whether or not his basketball game gets affected because he goes through a sugar crash in the second half. But then we found out he eats candy during halftime. This is all not as disconcerting as Ron Artest drinking Hennessey at halftime though.

When will he grow up to be 13 already. No matter how many muscles he has or suits they dress him in it doesn’t seem like he has progressed past middle school. Their joke is that they have it on good authority this is what he does after sex. I have it on good authority that Taylor thinks girls have cooties.

Heidi Montag in easily the most unflattering picture ever taken of her. Celeb Buzz gets creep city again with “So am I still technically a virgin?” I think they’re saying the guy did her in the butt, which is odd, right? Am I the only one thinking that? It also looks like she is crying. And that is usually not a good thing after sex, during sex or before sex – unless you like roleplaying. So she’s crying and the guy did her in the butt – bravo Celeb Buzz.

Kristin Davis – “Sex in the City… in my MOUTH!” That’s what their line was. She does look like she is deepthroating an invisible penis, so good one Celeb Buzz. But it goes to show you again that that is the only thing Celeb Buzz thinks about. They sound kind of date rapey.

It’s Kate Gosselin. This is another Celeb Buzz “joke” that is frightening, “Is that a bottle of lube? Really? I mean, really? You had 8 children. I think you’ll be fine.” W-O-W. They old stretched out pussah joke. Throwing a hot dog down the hallway joke. I get it. I support it. Although, that does look like a bottle of hand sanitizer, but sure it could be lube. This joke also could have been “How many dicks do you think I can fit inside me? A million? Let’s try!”

The website’s namesake and guest of honor at any party I throw – Kristen Stewart. Their joke “Well that left a bad taste in my mouth”. Fair enough. I guess Rob’s spunk is in her mouth and it doesn’t taste good. Congrats Celeb Buzz. I’ve heard pineapple juice or juices in general is supposed to be good for that. But I wouldn’t know because it’s not like I’m running some perverted science experiment and doing a trial and error and a chart and a diorama about it.

And the finally two, which are creepsville –

Lohan – “Pop my freckle”… ewwww. Celeb Buzz made sex sound disgusting with Lindsay Lohan – good job. Even at her worst, she was always just a thorough shower and scrubbing away from being fine. Just clean on off some of that wear and tear on her and she’ll be good to go, but this “freckle” line is just fucking weird. Who the fuck says that?

That is supposedly Miley Cyrus. And she is yelling at her sex partner “I want to call you Daddy!” She fucks her dad and/or she dreams about fucking her dad. Well done. Golf clap applause to all of you at Celeb Buzz.

They really should have consulted me first with these and just made the gallery “Celebs- That’s in my butthole” and it would have been stupendous.

I really hope these pictures are not taken down because I’ll never put them back up.

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11 Responses to “High Brow Humor At Its Finest: Celeb Sex Faces”

  1. The Justin Timberlake and John McCain ones both made me cry, but for very different reasons. But I wouldn’t mind vomiting right now if it means I could go home…

    Also, we’ve both made jokes involving date rape today to the internet at large (medium?). Some classy people around here.

  2. PWG said

    I have learned today how very little I would like to have sex with a celebrity. Or ever visit the CelebBuzz web site. Only one of those pictures/captions up there works on any level, and I thank you heartily for including it.

  3. PWG said

    I thought Thor looked like the missing Allman Brother in the trailer. It honest to God threw me when he spoke with a British accent. I was expecting southern.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I would pay good money to have a redneck Thor movie come out with the exact same cast.

    • I was reminded of Toby Kieth. I want the movie to involve Thor touring the Southern US in his denim armor with his Guitar of Justice. Is there like a Fountain of Life thing happening at any point? Because it would be made of PBR.

  4. really? out of all of the horribly awful pictures of robert pattinson they choose that one, where he still looks sexy? seriously? I do not visit this celebuzz website of which you speak and now I’m glad because they are clearly idiots.

    and I agreed with the butthole joke being better than most of theirs. I hope you contacted them and told them that.

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