Snowpocalypse

December 27, 2010

There was some snow that hit the Northeast.

By “some”, I mean at least 3 – 4 feet of it.

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Before anyone says “White Christmas”, it is actually a “White Kwanzaa” or “White Boxing Day” because there was no snow on the 25th.

As for Christmas, it was a good time.

It was a pretty typical Christmas. I’m not sure what Christmas traditions every one else has, but the same thing happen on Christmas every year since I can remember. Really early in the morning on Christmas, some asshole fat man breaks into my house and leaves all these stolen items around our Christmas tree. He is dressed like a pimp all in red with white fur trim, a stocking cap, knee high leather boots. It’s sincerely amazing the police have never caught this guy considering they know exactly what he looks like and exactly when he will strike. He’s also morbidly obese. I’m not sure how he is so sneaky at that weight, but he slips in and out of this house with the greatest of ease. Even crazier is that I’ve moved recently, so he must have been tracking me throughout the year.

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Usually, the day or second day after Christmas, I take all those items that fat pimp left in my house down to the local police precinct. It’s a real hassle to go through all the paper work of cataloging each item and making a flier and stolen report to hopefully find who these items belong to. The cops are not helpful either. They usually laugh and tell me to just keep the items because who would even know about them if I didn’t bring them to the precinct. I then tell them they have no concept of justice and I’m usually thrown out.

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Most of the items were dress clothes that were exactly my size. I won’t lie and say I couldn’t use these dress clothes. I’m not sure how many people out there are exactly my size and need new dress pants, shirts, ties, and belts. Knowing that I could use these items and that I’m not moving anywhere anytime soon because it is the snowpocalypse outside – imagine Waterworld with “snow” instead of “water” and just as religious.

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Outside of that, I saw True Grit.

I loved True Grit. The past two movies I saw in theaters were Black Swan and True Grit and I think both had the two best actresses of the year in them. I would give Natalie Portman the Oscar, but Hailee Steinfeld definitely deserves an Oscar nomination. She was excellent as the hard headed and oddly well educated Mattie Ross. She more than held her own with Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon, Barry Pepper and Josh Brolin. I love Westerns and the action, but the dialogue in this movie is just magnificent. If cowboys spoke olde English and were written for by Aaron Sorkin.

One more thought concerning Hailee Steinfeld: to all the 14 or so year old boys out there…

Lock it up.

That’s right. Get on that while you can. This girl is going to be famous and in big movies. This is a big movie and she’ll be in more. There should be a chance she gets nominated for an Oscar.

I’m speaking to all the 14 or so year old boys who have some interaction with Hailee Steinfeld… go for it.

I’m not sure what you are waiting for or what you think you would like later in life, but I’m pretty sure if you have a shot with Hailee Steinfeld now and don’t go for it then you’ll regret it most of your life. The rest of your life will be in a dementia haze and you’ll forget everything including your one shot at happiness in locking down Hailee Steinfeld right now.

Clearly, she is talented. Much more talented than just some Disney kid. She shows great range, an ability to handle complex dialogue and goes toe-to-toe with a few great actors meanwhile being directed by one of the best.

She’s a cute kid too. In the movie, they keep saying she’s ugly, but that’s Hollywood bullshit. It’s like in the Harry Potter movies how everyone keeps saying that Emma Watson is homely. Her? Are you people fucking blind? So to you 14 year old boys, she’s cute now, which means there is a great chance she’ll be great looking in a few years when she’s legal in all 50 states.

So, I’m just saying – you’re fucking up if you don’t try and lock it down with Hailee Steinfeld by giving her a “promise ring” or something for New Years because she’s going to be crazy famous and gone from your pathetic life by Summer.

Lock it up.

17 Responses to “Snowpocalypse”

  1. PWG said

    All of these pictures make me so excited to travel to the East coast tomorrow morning. I can’t wait to interact with near-homicidal travelers at LaGuardia who’ve been trapped for 72 hours.

    My plans to stage a mini KSWI-con are being seriously compromised by all of that white stuff in your pictures, which I think is very unfair.

  2. kt said

    Question from a Floridian who has never actually seen snow… What the fuck do you do with all that? I mean, I look at that and all I think is “that looks cold” and “who is in charge of making a path for me to walk through?” I don’t think I would even bother getting dressed to deal with that. Is it like a hurricane where you stock up for a few days and don’t leave the house and hope the electricity stays on and your roof doesn’t fall in?

    • PWG said

      When I moved from California to Colorado I didn’t own a coat. One week after I moved here:

      “Blizzard – October 24-25,1997 – One of the worst blizzards of the decade dumped 14 to 31 inches of snow across metro Denver. The heaviest snow occurred in the foothills west and southwest of Denver, where 2 to 4 feet of snow were measured. Sustained winds to 40mph with gusts as high as 60mph reduced visibilities to zero and produced extremely cold wind chill temperatures of 25 to 40 below zero. The strong winds whipped the snow into drifts 4 to 10 feet deep.”

      40 below zero, 10 foot snow drifts. No coat. It felt like we moved to Mordor, on purpose.

    • tiffanized said

      As a Virginian who sees just enough snow every year to be irritating but rarely enough to allow me to stay home in my pjs drinking my emergency bottle of tequila, I think those same things: what the fuck do I do with all that? (nothing) and who’s going to clear a path for me? (nobody). The super fun comes when you go shovel your own goddamn path and the wind blows your shovel full back in your face and down through your coat and shirt and into your bra.

  3. Michelle said

    Ok. When I saw the trailer for True Grit I was not excited. Westerns aren’t my thing. BUT the original was on last week and I gave it a shot. OMG – amazing. Had to see the remake, loved it. Hailee Steinfeld = the next IT girl.

  4. PWG said

    Jordan, would you still like Black Swan if you knew if was responsible for a French dancer knocking up the future ex Mrs. KSWIJ?

  5. I’m dying to see True Grit. I checked Netflix while I was snowed in yesterday to see if the original was available on Watch Instantly. It’s not. But for some reason, Netflix thinks Ponyo is similar and is suggesting I watch that…? Sorry, Netflix, but that’s not good enough. So instead, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole that is AlexKovas’ YouTube Channel.

    I think I’ve watched them all. This one, Unicorn Samurai, is one of my favorites:

    And this one too – Dalmation 2, extra silly – where he really cuts loose.

    You’re all welcome for the nightmares. I’m sure my watching these alone — so very, very alone — going on my 30th hour without any face-to-face human interaction, will bring only good things to my evening.

    • PWG said

      Is the dalmatian trying to do the scarecrow? In waaaaaaay more disturbing news, there’s a website called “Wikifur” and that man has a page on it.

      Damn you, you know I ended up looking at masturbating cats the last time you posted a link.

      • Yeah, but now it’s your fault I spent the last half hour on Wikifur reading shit like “Horsefur32 aka Cody Keller Bloodfang is a gothic furry raver living in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.” Horsefur32 was born in 1993, just FYI. Also, I now know that furry cybering is referred to as “yiffing”. And that things like “phantom tail syndrome” exist, which is sort of like “phantom limb syndrome” only WAY MORE OFFENSIVE to people who have actually lost limbs.

    • kt said

      Furries scare me.

      • PWG said

        Wikifur taught me that Scooby Doo is considered a furry by the furry community at large. Ruh ro.

        It also taught me that I’m right to be creeped the fuck out by Chuck E. Cheese.

    • so after some careful consideration I’ve decided I would bang that guy. here is my reasoning before everyone puts me in furry-love rehab:

      1. he has a decent body (maybe a little too muscular but whatever) which is very clear judging by the lack of ….traditional…clothing.
      2. he is obviously open to trying new things
      3. he would clearly be open to wearing a costume for roleplaying purposes. also for the roleplaying thing- if he has no problem pretending to be a goat or a unicorn I’m assuming he can apply these method acting skills to being say, a doctor, or professor…or a pizza delivery guy. whatever.

      in conclusion I would bang him.

      but not while he’s dressed as the unicorn.

  6. the snow better melt by thursday. that’s all I’m sayin.

  7. PWG said

    From “It’s snowy in New Jersey” to “furry community” in 10 comments or less, Jordan. You must be so . . . proud? of us.

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