Snowpocalypse 2.0

December 28, 2010

There is 4 feet of snow outside and the town I live in is not making an ounce of effort to clean it up. They say they are, but seriously they’re not. One man who runs a construction company did plow the street* with one of his own trucks. I like this idea that and wish I had a snow plow on my car. Vigilante snow plowing. What is more disconcerting is the house I’m in… no heat.


No fucking heat.

Not having heat is more code word for “no hot water”, which is code word “I haven’t showered in three days”. Today will be the day though. For better or worse, I will be taking a cold shower or taking a whore’s bath with a wash cloth or boiling multiple pots of water and trekking them to the shower where I will have a prior to the industrial revolution style bath.

I love taking showers. I am longing for the water on my pale white skin. I’m longing for the lather. I’m longing for my entire body not smelling like grease. I’m longing for a long overdue talk with my shower buddy Mr. Quackles the rubber duck and Storm Shadow the GI Joe ninja who watches my back and alerts me to any trouble. You are at your most vulnerable in the shower and yes I employ a miniature ninja to provide my personal security.

Nevertheless, I am longing for water and not frozen snow water.


Ahhhhh…. remember these.

There has never been a more strategically placed sleeve of a jacket in the history of peeping tom pictures. The first time I saw this picture I thought that someone photoshopped out Kristen Stewart’s ass for one of two reasons:

Modesty – they might be a peeping tom, but they have some decency.

The Want – The ass holds many mystical and unsolved powers in this world and it might be too much to see the wet barely covered bottom of Ms. Stewart. It is a mystery that can be better revealed when we are ready and have matured… oh wait you can see her butt in a couple of the other pictures. That’s just a jacket sleeve. The sleeve must have been animated by the power of her want because Kristen is touching it and then the sleeve just had to get a grope in and grabbed her fanny.


And then there was this picture. I’m not sure why girls were so in love with this picture. I kept reading “he looks so happy”. Is that what you want? A picture of a dude looking so “happy”? Ask a guy like myself – get a dude a PS3 or an Xbox 360 and buy him Call of Duty: Black Ops and you’ll see a happiness that has only ever been written about in such literary classics like Homeward Bound. I mean when you think you lost your dog like 3000 miles earlier and then your dog shows up a couple weeks later — I’m pretty sure you would happy cry so hard that spinal fluid would be exiting those tear ducts.

Nevertheless, here is Rob jumping into the water. If the Twilight directors actually knew what they were doing – they would make a mockumentary about making a teen vampire movie with Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson and that would be a billion times better. Get Sophia Coppola up in that bitch. You know what I’m saying.

Werewolves? Vampires? High School? Pffffttt… that’s so 2009.


These pictures are the best. Just a couple heads floating in freezing cold water.

Hey Rob-head, I can’t feel my toes. Or really any of my long sultry legs.


Ugh, I can’t either, Kristen-head. I can’t feel my Robpenis-head. It has retreated inside me for warmth. Right now, I have a Robvagina with tiny Robballs as the doormat. That’s really disgusting to say or think about. I really hope there isn’t a waterproof camera hidden in my swim trunks because these would be some embarrassing picture. Also, my Rob-head looks enormous. It looks like it is an upgraded model of your Kristen-head. My Rob-head is industrial strength for mindless floating in these waters.


What? What the fuck are we doing out here? Is this apart of the movie? It is so hard to tell if they are fucking with us or not. There is a different director everyday it seems. Who the hell is the director of this movie? Which movie is it even? Is this the 4th? The 5th? I swear I saw Garrett Hedlund from Tron: Legacy in 3D earlier and I think he is in the other movie I’m making, but maybe we are making that movie right now and you’re making a cameo in On The Road.

Ever since we watched Inception high, I have had no grasp of reality. This is worse than The Matrix. At least in The Matrix there are people shooting guns and guys in suits and people flying and doing kung-fu. Inception craziness can be anything. It could be driving a van in the rain or sitting at a bar with Leonardo DiCaprio. That stuff happens. Maybe I’m dreaming we’re just heads in this water. And there is not flat surface for me to spin my dreidel on to make sure or not.


I have an idea, Kristen-head, it could be easier to just combine your movies.

Which one?

All of them. Set in the 1950s, you are a down on her luck stripper who is also a guitarist for a struggling girl rock band. You end up traveling cross-country with two beat poets in search of musical inspiration.

Sounds pretty good.

And you end up in the Pacific Northwest battling vampires.

Not so good.

It was worth a shot, Kristen-head.

Well, thank you, Rob-head. You are truly the wind beneath my wings or in this case the freezing cold water suffocating my limp corpse of a body in it.

There is something I feel like we just have to do in this water at this moment before hopefully some rescue boats arrive or the director yells cut.

Sex? I thought you said your Robpenis was inverted.

It is and I meant can we do that other thing. That other thing we do in the hotel pool almost everyday.

Oh right. You start.









6 Responses to “Snowpocalypse 2.0”

  1. PWG said

    I’m never getting out of this fucking airport. I will sleep with the first person who can get my ass in a taxi. Taxi-getter, you are now one of my freebie five.

  2. Funny Or Die tweeted a twat about Homeward Bound yesterday: “Anyone who can name at least two of the characters in “Homeward Bound” is probably not a total piece of shit.” That’s like a science fact right there. If you know any combination of Sassy, Chance or Shadow, you’re probably an ok person. If you’re going to forget one, I’d prefer it be Sassy. But don’t you dare forget Shadow. Forget Shadow and you and your black heart are dead to me.

    Two summers ago, some friends and I rented a house for a week on Cape Cod. It was overcast right when we got there, so we decided to put on a movie. Turns out they had an old VHS of Homeward Bound. We figured it’d be fun to watch an old classic from our childhood. And it was, until we all cried like babies. Good thing we had Ghettoritas to make the pain go away.

    Your talking heads were funny. Stay warm.

  3. tiffanized said

    Rob is sleeping with Kristen Stewart and pulling down $25 million for “acting” in Breaking Dawn. That means he got paid like $72,000 to jump into the water with his half naked hot girlfriend–of course the mothereffer looks happy. I’d look happier than that for $18. Or a veggie wrap. God I’m hungry.

  4. cledbo said

    It’s like 32 degrees outside and it’s 8pm. Just thought I’d mention that, because living on the ass-end of the planet has to have its perks sometimes. Xmas being in summery summertime being one of them.

    For all the $$s they’re obviously (not) throwing at this movie, they could have at least bought Kristen a bikini with a bit of boobie-padding in it. I may envy her paycheck and her supersized Want, but my rack beats her rack in a rack-off any day of the week.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      “but my rack beats her rack in a rack-off any day of the week.”

      This is the type of Christmas spirit we need more of.

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