Tron: Legacy sucked and so does 2011

January 5, 2011

I won’t lie and say the past two days didn’t suck enormous donkey cock and donkey balls, so I won’t. The past two days have sucked. They have sucked the cock of a donkey and its balls. I don’t feel like elaborating on that and I won’t. I will say part of it is definitely “mork”.

Instead, I would like to talk about something that sucked that is humorous Tron: Legacy.

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^^^ This sucked.

If anything, it sucked way more than people are telling you. It sucked so bad. It was horrendous.

Read this review – http://www.comingsoon.net/news/reviewsnews.php?id=72466

Mr. Starnes hated Tron: Legacy. He hated it so much he wrote a review nearly 2x longer than he usually writes and he gave the movie a 4.5 out of 10. He hated that movie.

Guess what?

It was worse.

The thing about Starnes’ review is that he doesn’t really go far enough in how excruciatingly bad this movie was.

The question is not what was so bad about Tron: Legacy… actually fuck that. This movie is so bad it doesn’t deserve italics. From now on it will simply be written as Tron 2 and that’s that. Actually, scratch that as well. Have you ever seen the first Tron? It sucked. Tron? Sucked. Yes, I’ve seen it. It was stupid back then and is more stupid now. Both suck, so I’ll just write Tron.

Tron sucks. Both.

What was good about Tron?

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This.

That’s about it.

In this sequel that no one ever asked for after a quarter century, the only thing that is at all “good” is Olivia Wilde. And she isn’t even that good. If you think Olivia is attractive as a sane person should then seeing her on 60 foot screen in 3D is good. Literally seeing her. She wears a skin tight body suit and she has her eyes prominently displayed like an anime character. She looks sexy. But you are not really seeing Olivia Wilde. You are seeing her character Quorra and Quorra sucks along with everything in Tron. Olivia isn’t talking about anything that I want to hear in the movie or doing anything that I really want to see her do because everything she says or does relates to this garbage ass movie.

What’s the other thing that’s “good”?

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I guess.

The light cycles were cool, but again it was also tied to the rest of this terrible movie. Any second that is mildly entertaining was also buttressed by pure stupidity.

I remember when they debuted I think 2 years or more ago the footage of the light cycles from the original Tron with nowadays computer graphics to usher in this sequel… and they should have stopped there. In the original Tron, the light cycles are in the movie for about 4 minutes. The light cycles are similarly in this movie for only a few minutes. The funny thing about Tron and Tron is that everyone’s favorite parts of the movie (light cycles… something) are not in the movie much. Both movies spend a lot more time on a horrible plot and horrible acting to match. It is hard for me to say that Tron 2 is worse than Tron 1 because they’re both horrendous, but at least Tron 1 was original in its horrendousness and at least it did have the good sense to not be 130 minutes long.

There is absolutely no decency to how bad Tron 2 is.

I know I’m going back and forth on this Tron 1 and Tron 2 and not calling either of them anything different from the other, but it is confusing to me as well because I’m so angry at it. It’s hard to keep it all together when writing through the hate.

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Hey Garrett, want me to drive you to a series of horribly pointless scenes?

A couple weeks ago, a friend was telling me about an article he read online about movies where if the heroes did absolutely nothing then everything would have worked out. One that was mentioned was Raiders of the Lost Ark. In the movie, the hero actually loses. Indy doesn’t stop the Nazis from getting the Ark. He is tied to a stake when they present it and open it and then they all die from the light/power of the Ark that comes out of it. Spoiler alert I suppose. Ever since, I’ve been thinking about movies where that is the case… and how stupid that is for most movies. Some movies are crazy clever about that, but most are just plain stupid and the characters are fools for ever participating in the movie.

Tron 2 is exactly that.

In the movie, Jeff Bridges is stuck in the computer world called The Grid. He created that world with the help of Tron (the side character from the first movie who remarkably is the name of these two stupid movies) and Clu. Clu is a computer program Jeff Bridges made. I’m not calling Jeff Bridges his character name Kevin Flynn because seriously who gives a flying fuck. Jeff Bridges makes a computer program named Clu and he looks exactly like Jeff Bridges. That’s a hold over from the first movie where a computer program you make actually has a piece of you with it, so in the Grid all computer program looks like you. Although I don’t remember in either movie the idea that it would be pretty pathetic if as a computer programmer you only write one computer program because you never see a million multiples of Jeff Bridges running around, but anyway.

At some point, Jeff Bridges, Tron and Clu are wondering around the Grid and they discover a whole tribe of computer programs that spawned themselves and have infinite possibilities and when Tron (white), Clu (white), and Jeff Bridges (white) discover these programs they appear to be a group of Africans. I would just say they were played by black actors, but they looks awfully indigenous as well. So three white guys discover black people in the Grid and Jeff Bridges falls in love with them and he immediately puts them to work on building the rest of the Grid. Yes, so slavery.

At some point after that, Clu hates these black people for their imperfections because he is a program based on hating imperfections, so he kills all the black people… except one – Olivia Wilde.

All what I just wrote is completely true.

All what I just wrote has absolutely no point in the movie.

Clu is a bad guy. Clu and Jeff Bridges did not need to discover black people, enslave them, and then Clu commit genocide for him to be the bad guy. How about Clu just starts finding imperfections in Jeff Bridges because he is human and then he tries to kill him and then wants to kill all humans? Is that a whole lot simpler? And not involve slavery?

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Does Olivia Wilde’s character being one of the black people have any impact whatsoever on the plot of the movie or help in anyway solve the problem in the movie?

Nope.

Back to the heroes didn’t have to do anything jag… so Clu wants to kill all humans… I guess. Jeff Bridges is in the Grid like I mentioned. But he is somewhere in the Grid where Clu doesn’t know where he is. And seemingly, Jeff Bridges could stay there in that exile for the rest of his life and die while teaching Olivia Wilde about Earth. Why is he teaching her about Earth? Who knows? I guess you have to kill the time somehow. He has her reading philosophy books. Where did those books come from? I guess he zapped them in there with the same zapping ray that zapped him inside the Grid. He also must have zapped in green beans because there is a scene where Jeff Bridges and Garrett Hedlund eat green beans. Yes. They eat green beans inside a computer. Do you know what wasn’t in the first Tron? Green beans? Yes. You are correct. Why? Because they are in a fucking computer! If you have green beans in your computer then guess what? Your computer is fucking broke.

Anyway, I keep getting off topic. So Clu can’t find Jeff Bridges. But he needs Jeff Bridges’ disk because on that thing seems to be the answer of how Clu needs to get out of the computer and into the real world with his army of computer programs that have glow rods for weapons.

Three things before I forget them:

1. I didn’t understand it in the original and still don’t get it – why is the disk that contains your identity on it also double as your primary weapon? Why on Earth would you risk that thing being caught or destroyed or whatever? If for whatever reason my social security card was also a boomerang … well I wouldn’t start an intercomputer war and be chucking that thing around.

2. So was Clu going to zap an entire army that was going to take over the world into that stuffy basement room of the arcade?

3. How the fuck are a bunch of guys with bowstaffs going to take over the world? If you beamed a million guys with bowstaffs to Jersey they wouldn’t be able to reconquer the Delaware river.

Garrett Hedlund enters the Grid and in doing so ends up drawing his dad Jeff Bridges out of hiding and giving Clu his only opportunity to get Jeff Bridges’ disk which he does get. This all results eventually in Jeff Bridges killing himself in front of Garrett Hedlund, which allows him to get out of the Grid with Olivia Wilde.

So, Garrett Hedlund thought Jeff Bridges was dead. And thought that for almost his whole life. Then he searches for his dad. This almost ends with him helping the bad guy achieve his victory and does result in him watching his dad die. Great. This is the happy ending? I guess the happy ending is that he gets Olivia Wilde who I can only imagine will be his robotic unemotional fuck slave for the rest of his life … so I guess that is the happy ending.

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If you read any of the movie reviews, they say Olivia Wilde’s character really kicks ass. And I’m sure you’ve seen the above in the trailers/commercials. Guess what? It’s about all the ass kicking she does. This is pretty much it. Seconds later she gets her arm cut off and dies. Since she’s a computer program and Jeff Bridges can do whatever he wants in the Grid, he brings her back to life.

If Jeff Bridges is so damn handy in the Grid then why doesn’t he just destroy all the bad guys including Clu?

Who the fuck knows?

If in the end Jeff Bridges was just going to kill himself to take out Clu then why didn’t he do that decades ago? Who the fuck knows?

Maybe so we could see this…

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In definitely the worst series of scenes in the movie, there is this laughable mess. The shot of Olivia Wilde is from the same scene I believe. It is apart of a 10 – 15 minute gap in the film where Garrett Hedlund et al go into a nightclub. Why? Who the fuck knows? Why is there a night club with drinking and sex amongst computer programs who are in a world run by a totalitarian dictator who kills all that shows the least bit of imperfection and is purely focused on world domination? Who the fuck knows?

Anyway, Jeff Bridges decides to be the most laughable action hero in a robe since Yoda started flipping around in the Star Wars sequels. Wow, was it bad.

Oh right…

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This is Michael Sheen in this same scene. Why is he in the movie? No idea. Why does he do any of the things that he does in the movie? Why is there a black guy with a scar in this same scene? Why does Olivia Wilde’s character think she can trust Michael Sheen when he immediately turns his back on her? How does Olivia Wilde even know who Michael Sheen is and what is their history? Who knows?

But sincerely… who the fuck cares?

The movie is thoroughly terrible.

I was going to also talk about how terrible the other bad guy Rinzler is, but I typed in Renzler and found this picture…

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It’s a 1000x better than Rinzler.

Rinzler is Tron. Except we never actually see that. At no point in the movie does Rinzler remove the motorcycle helmet he wears in the movie to reveal that he has the same face as Tron. Instead, we only assume he is Tron because earlier in the movie (which is actually 20 some odd years earlier in the script) Tron used two discs at once as weapons and Rinzler uses two discs at once as weapons. That is another open and shut cold case right there. He has two discs and that other guy I haven’t seen for 20+ year used two discs once, so they’re the same fucking guy. No way it could be anyone else.

I hated that movie.

Mork sucks.

I didn’t have a computer at mork today. IT hasn’t gotten off their dumbasses to give me one. I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to access this site even if I get a computer, but for fuck’s sake! It is 2011 and I don’t even have a fucking computer! That is about the only thing I need at my desk. What possible work could I get done at mork without a fucking computer!?!

Whatever.

Next.

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17 Responses to “Tron: Legacy sucked and so does 2011”

  1. I was going to read this…but then I realized the entire thing was about Tron and my eyeballs glazed over and refused to read.

    sorry work sucks. I find when I have to do something I hate it is more fun to do high or drunk. you know what I’m gonna recomend.

  2. I’m torn. I feel bad for you for dealing with shitty mork. And when people are sad, I’m sad. But, at the same time, frustrated, angry Jordan is pretty funny. And you said “buttressed”. And I’m 6 years old so that’s funny.

  3. cledbo said

    I hated this movie too.

    I have event more problems to add to your problems, and all of your problems were problems that I had too.

    Like why, when flying something apparently propelled by light in a virtual environment which could theoretically be without limits, would the flying thing that your flying stall out? Why? There’s no fucking atmosphere! The appearance of breathing would only happen in Jeff and Garrett, because it would feel too weird for them not to ‘breathe’ even though they don’t want to. This is up there with the food thing.
    Also, an alcoholic, homeless “program”? What terrible, second-rate drugs were these idiot writers smoking, anyway?!

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Why couldn’t the movie been about Garrett Hedlund being a wizard at these Tron games on the arcade and then Jeff Bridges gets captured by Clu while working on the Grid and Hedlund has to defeat Clu and the games in the Grid to get back Jeff Bridges.

      It could be “Escape from New York” meets “Tron” instead of all the other bullshit that they never fleshed out. Why did Quorra survive? What was special about her? Was there a genocidal war? Where was Jeff Bridges during that time? Did Rinzler only appear recently? Why are they even hosting the games anymore? If people can switch identity discs all the time and don’t need them to function then what’s the point of them? Why not hide Bridges’ disc?

      • If we’re going to play the “why couldn’t the move have been about” game, I think we all need to acknowledge what really could have saved this movie: New Jersey.

        Arcade games are in arcades, which, traditionally, can be found at boardwalks. What glorious state has boardwalks? New Jersey. What does New Jersey also have? The cast of MTV’s Jersey Shore. It should’ve ended with the bad guys getting out of the grid and doing battle with Snooki, Sammi, The Situation, et al. OR… they could realize that they don’t actually want to kill mankind at all, because these people are the greatest humans ever, and instead it turns into some sort of adventure comedy along the lines of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, but with more spray tan and sparkles. And less Keanu.

  4. john said

    TRON LEGACY actually rocked and i don’t know why it is hated so much. There is so much other crap being released, like the green hornet. Focus on that instead.

    • PWG said

      “I don’t know why it is hated so much.” Well there’s a pretty good article above your comment that explains the hate. It’s much more reasoned than my own thinking after seeing Tron. All I thought was “That sucked.” I like to think my unconscious was doing all the heavy lifting Jordan’s brain did up there, and that’s why I thought that. But probably not.

  5. PWG said

    Here is something to cheer you up, Jordan, from your mork + Tron malaise.

    Women Laughing Alone with Salad

    I think stock photos are hilarious anyway, but these pictures cracked me up. The comments beneath them, too. But Awkward Stock Photos (maybe not safe for work), specifically January 2nd, makes me lose my shit. I have no explanation for January 4 at all. At all. You know my feelings about the lesser apes. Handstanding naked next to them is completely out of bounds.

  6. PWG said

    For all the American ladies out there in the crowd, I’m sorry that you will never be able to date this man.

    Boycott American Women.

    Your evil, greedy, lazy, slutty American sisters have ruined him for you. “So, get used to living alone with your 10 cats, or else become a lesbian. Those are your two options, American women!” Luckily for American men, Asian and Eastern European women are still acceptable. And presumably Cledbo.

    John from USA, dating Vietnamese girl writes, “I think of myself as a ‘real’ man and I do not have a small penis! . . . So many American woman seem to think that all they need to do is bring their vagina to the table and that I will just give them whatever they want . . . Another reality is, most foreign men also hate American women. In polls taken worldwide, American women ranked as the LEAST POPULAR women in the world.”

    I am abashed. Ashamed. Heartbroken. These men do not want my vagina on their tables.

    • “American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.”

      Yup, nope, nope and nope, probably a little, definitely, guilty. All of that makes me “utterly disgusting”?! Come on, man! I mean, it could be way worse. For this, I turn to my new favorite response: at least I don’t want to shit in your mouth.

      Not helping the case of the American “Lady” here, am I?

      • Amy D said

        Would it be total irresponsible parenting if I used that line the next time my kid complains about something??

      • I don’t know what you’re talking about, if anything that comment just makes me love you even more

      • cledbo said

        If you replace “American women” with “most men”, that whole paragraph actually makes a lot more sense.

        Particularly the unchaste part. Or maybe I just know a lot of Australian man-whores.

    • Amy D said

      His issue is the thought process of the vagina belonging on the table. He is doing it wrong. Stupid man.

  7. kt said

    Your rant on Tron really taught me that Olivia Wilde should get bangs for real. I’ve never gotten the appeal of her, but with that black bob with bangs I kinda see it now. Without the bangs she has a weirdly huge forehead and it is really distracting.

    I’m sorry your new mork sucks. I’m hating my mork too. Misery loves company though.

  8. kt said

    Additionally, I didn’t see mention of the soundtrack… maybe you did and it was one of the parts I skimmed over. I figured a Daft Punk movie soundtrack would be pretty good.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I don’t think I mentioned the soundtrack. It was forgettable I think. It sounds like a B version of the Inception soundtrack done on a synthesizer instead of with an orchestra. The soundtrack couldn’t save this movie anyway. Nothing about the soundtrack screams Daft Punk – it sounds fairly run of the mill like anything you heard in The Matrix Reloaded fight scenes.

      Also, I don’t care for skimming.

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