As Time Changes Many Things, Others Stay The Same

January 10, 2011

The first being…

Photobucket

KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT.

The second being…

FOOTBALL IS THE GREATEST.

On this second Monday of the holier than thou year of 2011 with its wild-life dying in an Alfockalypse or something, I’m still unused to this year. Obviously, I should get used to it sooner than later considering next year is the final year of existence with the Mayan Armageddon. But I keep waking up feeling like I’m just getting over New Years Eve.

Also, Aflockalypse. I had to read that several times making sure it wasn’t Affleckalypse. Or actually I was praying it would be Affleckalypse and then there would be the greatest internet meme of 2011 already Christened and we’re only 10 days into the damn year.

I’m guessing it is the End of Days brought upon us by Ben Affleck. Either he is the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse and he will bring doom to us all through direct violence or he will being making sequels to his movies until we all kill each other in a chaotic frenzy of sharpened DVDs of Reindeer Games 2 used as shurikens.

I pray for both.

Photobucket

She wants IT.

I did not watch whatever awards show theseĀ  pictures are from. I think I read they were from the People’s Choice Awards. I couldn’t imagine my choices would have been represented all that well considering I am a man who is hoping Ben Affleck will bring about the end of existence. Nevertheless, Kristen Stewart was there and so was the gold foil tank top she wore as a dress. She also received an award. Shocking, I know. Even more shocking was that is was for Twilight. I would have guessed that the “people” out there would have made up an award for being the most photographed person ever in 2010 or maybe an award for regardless of situation looking like she is about to climax in all euphoric wonder.

But no… it was for Twilight.

Photobucket

Her legs want IT.

Kristen’s dress is so short I feel like I’m under it. I wish I was under it as well as everyone else who saw her that night and has seen the pictures of her that night (even Taylor Lautner). It’s like an optical illusion. I’ve heard there are places in this world where the magnetic fields there are so powerful it can confuse your eyes and you’ll believe something is moving upwards when it is actually moving downwards. And yes, I think that Kristen Stewart’s thighs may have that same magnetism. I’m not saying that refrigerator magnets would stick like concrete to the milky white area just north of her knee, but I would like to see someone prove me wrong.

I didn’t even know I was nominated for an award tonight, which makes winning this award that more surprising. I have the feeling that you all conspired to get me up on stage to get a better look under my dress and legs. I’m sure if you could have just thought of a clever way for me to stand on a chair you would have done that instead. But I am keeping this crystal dildo for whatever reason it was given to me. So without further ado, would you like to see me from behind?

And there we go.

I know it is pretty amazing that I’m showing absolutely every nanometer of my legs and not showing anything “inappropriate”. It’s a magic trick that David Blaine taught me. It’s a trick and it’s an illusion, but no cards or fun are involved.

Seriously, can Taylor Lautner just go home? Isn’t it a school night or at the very least way past his bed time? I get it. I get that he is in the movies with these two and everything, but c’mon man. The joke is over. At some point, he needs to move on and make a Hook sequel with him as Rufio and the Rob and Kristen can bang at the adults table like everyone is waiting for. No PDA in front of the children.

Is that loose change on the ground? Why does Rob look like Mr. Roper on Three’s Company? I feel like Kristen is piercing my brain telling me how her tenuous finger grip over her left knee is the only thing stopping all of history being re-written if her legs exploded open with their magnetic power.

I know Rufio died. He did die, right? He died. But it is in Never Never-Land, so who says he can’t come back to life? Stranger things have happened. Like The Cape. Did anyone see that? I started watching it and eventually stopped when I found myself punching the TV in the face.

RP – Hey man, I see we only have two awards. I’m sorry about that. But I didn’t know you were supposed to even be here. Did you get an invite? Or did you ninja sneak your way in here because you blend in to shadows in that black on black on black on black on black outfit you got there?

KS – He’s my +1. Every girl nowadays knows a gay best friend is the best fashion accessory one can have.

RP – Really? You just bring him around with you everywhere?

KS – Yep. I want IT.

RP – Ahhh get over here, Taylor. I’m want a gay boy toy sidekick.

TL – I’m finally being talked to and accepted as an equal.

RP – Stop talking.

KS – Slash becomes reality.

And with that…

I’m Kelso from That 70’s Show?

Uhhhh….

I’m popular on Twitter?

You do wha?

I married Demi Moore?

And she is?

One would think this might be the most awkward photo of the evening, but they would be wrong…

They do have an open-marriage.

She wants it.

Advertisements

5 Responses to “As Time Changes Many Things, Others Stay The Same”

  1. I would have been satisfied with today’s post if it had been solely comprised of the seahorse gif. I mean seahawks. SEAHAWKS!!!! YES!!!!

    their team SHOULD have been the seahorses though. that would have been even more embarrassing to the saints, losing to the seahorses. I mean at least seahawks sounds kind of menacing. the seahorses sounds like the little mermaid’s playmates.

    and kristen stewart. dayummm. I can’t decide if I want to be her, or if I want to do her. can I choose both? if life was fair kristen stewart would be my bestfriend/twin/girlfriend/lifepartner.

    • I was excited for the Seahawks to win, too. But it came more from an “aw, yay underdogs!” place than a “FUCK YOU SAINTS!” place. I was excited for the Jets for the same reason. *whispers* Between you and me — don’t tell the Steelers fangirls ’round here — but I think it would be sort of neat if the Seahawks went all the way.

  2. Nix said

    Thanks for the guffaaws. So far 2011 sucks so not much has changed. Bring on the Afockalypse. Just for a bit of a change ya know…?

  3. You say Affleckalypse, I say Aflacalypse. To-may-to, to-mah-to. I’m just saying that I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if the world fell at the webbed feet of a Gilbert-Godfried-voiced duck.

    I can’t think of anything clever to say to the pictures of Kristen because all I keep thinking over and over is “llleeeeeggggssss”.

  4. cledbo said

    love it. Affleckalypse made my morning.

    Taylor Lautner is undefinably-ethnic Ken.

    An insidious way to corrupt tomorrow’s young girls would be to make Kristen Stewart into a Barbie. Not a Bella doll, that’s just bad fashion and worse hair. People’s Choice Awards Kristen Barbie – a best seller among girls who aspire to Want IT when they grow up.

    Also, Rob has in the past won ‘Best Dressed’ awards – wtf?@! I don’t understand it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: