It’s Time To Pretend All Movie Theaters Have Died…

January 11, 2011

… then two months from now they will rise from the cave we buried them in like Jesus of Nazareth, NY and we can start seeing movies again unashamed.

Until that point, you will feel very ashamed of seeing any movie that is from 2011 and not the humble 2010.

Congratulations Cam Newton! America smiles when you smile.

If you have been unaware for pretty much your whole life, the film buzinezz ditches movies they have little faith in at the beginning of the year. February categorically is seen as “dump” month. It is also “dump” month for people who celebrate Valentine’s Day and their partner takes it to seriously and you think to yourself “am I really going to go through this pink bullshit holiday again?” February is also “dump” month for people with irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). But it all honesty, every month is “dump” month when you have IBS.

Bad movies populate the theater with a jihadist frenzy in February. That has also bled into surrounding months like January and March. Generally speaking, the end of the year is when the dramatic good movies come out, so when the new year arrives the filmzy people dump all their shit movies on us for a couple months. This also happens in September. After the action and comedy blitz of the Summer, the filmlosers give us shitty shitty movies for September and generally October until they get us set-up again for the end of year barrage of “Oscar winners”.

Today, I will highlight the January movies you will hopefully be skipping. And then on Thursday, I will do the same for February. Also, if someone reminds me, I thought of a post about “things I would trust and wouldn’t trust Kristen Stewart to do”. I think this could be a reoccurring post about not only Kristen, but other people as well. That of course is all contingent on whether I remember to do that next week…

Also, if you want a more serious look at movies then check out Cinesnarkhttp://cinesnark.wordpress.com/ – It’s good stuff. The writer of said site reads this website (for better or for worse I suppose for her) and she does a great job, so I thought I should mention that.

JANUARY MOVIES…

motherfuckers…

I thought the “January Movies” looked a little lonely, so today you are motherfuckers.

Season of the Witch

Nicolas Cage is a national treasure. He was also in National Treasure and its sequel. But he is a national treasure himself. I’m not sure of what nation in particular, but with the wealth of material this man consistently puts out regardless of the fact no one asks him to, is just remarkable. I don’t know what Cage’s end game is, but my guess is to be in a movie directed by every single director who has ever been called a director ever in all of living history. Seems sensible, right?

Season of the Witch looks fucking awful. Real bad. Typically, Cage is decorated in a flowing mane wig. I watched a movie called Good Hair, which I highly recommend. It is about the hair care business for black people. It was made by Chris Rock (the) and is unbelievably funny and informative. I really enjoyed the hell out of it. One reason being that Nia Long is in it. Nia Long in my mind is of the same mythical status as Taye Diggs. I feel like Nia Long has been a crush/love interest for men of all races and demographics and she has done it with short and long hair (not an easy task). Part of that has to do with her being gorgeous and aging gorgeously. The other part of that has to do with her being on Fresh Prince of Bel Air and even the terrorists know of Geoffrey, the Carlton dance, and DJ Jazzy Jeff. Just ask them. Just start talking to a terrorist and then begin “In West Philadelphia born and raised, on the playground where I spent most of my days…” and that terrorist and you will then sing the rest of that glorious song.

What was I talking about?

Right… Good Hair. Apparently, black people account for 7/8’s of the haircare business or something. I’m pretty sure that Nicolas Cage’s wigs account for the other 1/8th. That was a long way to go for a joke, but I got to talk about Nia Long and Good Hair, so it worked.

Season of the Witch looks fucking awful still. Cage is a knight who is fighting people trying to kill some girl because she’s a witch or whatever. My question is – why doesn’t Nicolas Cage play a serial killer in a movie? I know Nic Cage has fought serial killers in movies, but was he a serial killer in a movie? Because if someone told you Nicolas Cage was a serial killer I don’t think you would be shocked. That is why he should be one in a movie. Play what you know.

Barney’s Version

Paul Giamatti hooking up with hot chicks… basically. Oh and Dustin Hoffman is in it too. I’ve never had sex with Minnie Driver or Rachelle Lefevre or Rosamund Pike. That may have come to a shock to some of you, but I haven’t had sex with any of those women. I’m pretty sure having sex with them would be awesome. It appears that Paul Giamatti of all people has sex with all three of them in the movie (not at the same time… although I would pay to see that), so I’m thoroughly not sure why he seems so fucking depressed in the movie. He smokes cigars, drinks, isn’t nice to anyone, overweight, barely taking care of himself… but he is somehow having sex on the regular with great looking women. Is this movie “science fiction”? The movie looks pretty paint by numbers, but it says it is from a book and the book was good, but it is coming out in January, so probably not good.

Also, Scott Speedman is in it. So of course that excites me and sells many movie tickets.

The Dilemma

Normally, I would say Vince Vaughn and Kevin James sounds great. At the same time, when I say “normally” I guess I’m pretending I live in a solar system on a rock and iron planet that doesn’t have a history of Kevin James and Vince Vaughn making a ton of shitty movies. I think Vince Vaughn is possibly one of the funniest people who could be filmed… and yet he make movies that make sane people punch babies. And babies do not want to be punched – even when they are asking for it. Kevin James is also a funny man, but he’ll appear in any movie ever because he’s probably running out of his King of Queens money.

The movie might have a couple chuckles in it, but it looks pretty who gives a fuck. Queen Latifah is in it, which is great. It is. I would like to Vince Vaughn appear in a real movie again. It feels like it has been awhile – 3 years. And speaking of serial killers (were we still talking about serial killers?), one of the best Vince Vaughn movies is Clay Pigeons. It also stars Joaquin Phoenix. The movie is amazing and one of my favorites. Vince is a serial killer in it. I guess I should have clarified that. That’s why we were still talking about serial killers. I didn’t mean to imply that Vince Vaughn or Joaquin Phoenix are serial killers. They could be. I mean I don’t want to doubt their abilities.

So go see Clay Pigeons or rewatch Wedding Crashers, Old School, Swingers or whatever your favorite VV film is. And through on some King of Queens reruns and you’ll be set.

The Green Hornet

Chou?

That is not John Cho. As remarkable as that sounds, I repeat that is not John Cho. I know that we all racistly joke that all ______ (ethnicity) look the same, but Jay Chou and John Cho do look like brothers/twins/the same guy. It really seems like if Jay Chou spiked his hair up and was funny then he’d be John Cho. If John Cho learned martial arts and combed his hair then he’d be Jay Chou. I bet it would be easier to tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi than Jay and John.

Cho?

The Green Hornet looks pretty terrible. But… I’ll see it. This will be the first movie I’m expecting to hang my head and drag myself to see. Jokes wise? The more I think about it, I can’t imagine it isn’t any funnier than a chuckle or two. Action wise? I can’t imagine it is any more exciting than Ghost Rider was. But I saw Ghost Rider in theaters. At the very best, I might not hate The Green Hornet. At its worst, it can’t be worse than Tron. I just saw Tron. That was fucking horrendous, so how much worse can it get?

The movie is also directed by Michel Gondry of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind fame. That means absolutely nothing because this movie looks diametrically opposed to that movie, but I thought I would mention it.

Ong Bak 3

I would be remiss if I did not mention this movie. Ong Bak 3 is obviously the third of a series of movies called Ong Bak – that’s just simple science right there. The Ong Bak movies are action movies starring Tony Jaa. Tony’s action style is that of Muay Thai kickboxing. He also runs around and jumps like Jackie Chan/Jet Li. I really loved the first Ong Bak. I really hated the second Ong Bak. So this third one is a complete mystery. I have a feeling it will be bad. Tony has made a bunch of movies with these same directors and the movies are all pretty terrible. The movies with the dialogue and the story and the acting. The action scenes are usually amazing. Ong Bak and Tony’s other movie The Protector have some wild memorable action scenes, but for whatever reason Ong Bak 2 didn’t. The cynic in me believes they kind of blew their wad on the other two movies and need someone else to come in to direct Tony, but who knows.

The Company Men

Ben Affleck, Chris Cooper, Kevin Costner, Tommy Lee Jones, Rosemarie DeWitt, Maria Bello, Craig T. Nelson… so out of the January movie – this might be the good one. It’s about 3 guys who get fired and try to redefine themselves as guys who are now jobless. It sounds ok and at the same time it doesn’t make me want to see it in the least. If it was between renting this ondemand or Tosh.0 reruns, then I would be relaughing at the jokes of ole’ Tosh. But outside of that, I guess I would rent it if my family was forcing movie time on me.

No Strings Attached


Have you ever caught yourself thinking – I want to see something with Ashton Kutcher in it?

Nope. Me neither.

So don’t see this movie.

I never would have guessed that I would think Ashton Kutcher should stay as a behind the scenes type, but of the little enjoyment in my life that Kutcher has given me it has come from things he has produced and not starred in.

But Natalie Portman is in it?

Yeah and she is also in the Star Wars prequels. It doesn’t mean you have to watch those either. I know everyone just started these girl crushes on Portman for Black Swan, but she has been in other great movies and go watch one of those instead of this. Go watch V for Vendetta or Closer.

The Mechanic

I hope Jason Statham pays his taxes because he is well on his way to being the white Wesley Snipes. Actually, I do think that in one way, but in reality I can’t think of 2 good action films Jason Statham has been in and I can think of a lot of good/great Snipes movies.. Ever since Statham got crazy in shape and started spin kicking dudes, he has made the worst movies. The Transporter was good. I’ll say that. The Transporter 2 and 3 are bad, one worse than the other. Death Race is terrible. The Crank movies are in some sense worse than the Holocaust to me because I actually sat through Crank. Now Statham is in The Mechanic where he’ll bring his creepy caller voice and his patented “I spun kick you in the face and my shirt got ripped off at the same time” moves.

Hang in there.

If you watch the trailer for The Mechanic you will learn that a “mechanic” is a hitman. Also, a “transporter” is really code for a “hitman”. Basically if you have a vocationally trained day job and Statham is doing it then he’s a killer.

I’d suggest renting a Wesley Snipes movies instead. In all honesty, Welsey Snipes has a great list of movies and here are a few that will get you through life: Major League, White Men Can’t Jump, Passenger 57, Demolition Man, The Fan, U.S. Marshals, Blade, Blade Trinity and if that is not enough then To Wong Foo Thanks For Anything Julie Newar will cure you of any sickness.

The Rite

Horror movies in January? For fuck’s sake… LEAVE ME ALONE! Anthony Hopkins has no shame. About this time last year, the man was in The Wolfman. You are dead to me Sir Hopkins. DEAD TO ME!

Finally…

I had never heard of this movie until 15 minutes ago, but BAM it is topping my list of something.

Scream of the Banshee

Without further ado, here is its description…

When a college Professor opens up a strange, ornate box discovered in the basement of a University, she and her students hear a horrifying scream belonging to that of a bloodthirsty banshee. They think nothing of it, until that scream begins to haunt all that heard it in strange and surreal ways. According to Irish lore, if you hear a Banshee scream, you will die – which is what starts happening to them one by one, as the creature starts taking their lives…

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

They hear the “bloodthirsty” scream of a “banshee” and “they think nothing of it”. HAHAHAH! Why? Why would you think “nothing” of it? You should seriously think “something” about the bloodthirsty scream of a banshee. You should think something about the happy scream of a banshee let alone a bloodthirsty one. Who hears banshee screams? Especially at “a university”? I have a lot of stories from my college days and none of the begin or end with a bloodthirsty scream of a banshee. “According to Irish lore, if you hear a Banshee scream, you will die” — yeah that lands in the “no shit” category of life. Whoever dies in that movie deserved it. If you think nothing of a banshee screaming and go about your day then you deserve to die.

This movie does have two things for it beside a phenomenal plot:

1. Lauren Holly is in it. When’s the last time you heard that name in a non-ironic sense?

2. This fucking poster…

You’re welcome.

Don’t see any of these movies.

I’ll talk to you Thursday.

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4 Responses to “It’s Time To Pretend All Movie Theaters Have Died…”

  1. kt said

    Ashton Kutcher is one of those people that I am completely indifferent towards. I don’t love him and seeing his face doesn’t cause me to explode in a fit of rage. His movies aren’t great. I actually own one and I won’t change the channel just because he is in something but I won’t go out of my way to see one either. I will probably end up seeing No Strings Attached at some point. I don’t care about any of those other movies at all. I kinda wanna see Barney’s Version because it’s the movie that got Rachel Lefevre kicked out of Twilight, but I don’t like Paul Giamatti sooooo…

  2. Amy D said

    I plan on seeing 2 or 3 movies from your list. I’m really on the fence about The Rite.

    On a side note, it seems the stress of starting and quitting your new job has set in. There were a few grammatical issue in this post, and for me to notice them is really something. I’m not usually the sharpest tack in the box with those things. I still love you long time though…

  3. I’m going to see every single one of these movies on the same day. If I make it out alive, then I know I’m a superhero.

    I still refuse to believe that Cho and Chou are not the same person. Also, I keep thinking “I Cho-Chou-Choose you” now. Normal. And, finally, the last time I heard Lauren Holly’s name was this past weekend so you’re impressing exactly nobody over here, Mr.

  4. cledbo said

    The only one of those movies I’ve actually heard of is The Green Hornet.

    I will see precisely 0 of them. Though I did see – and hate – Tron, so I may cave. But probably not.

    I also noticed you’ve started captioning your pictures using WordPress. Cool 🙂

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