It’s Time To Pretend All Movie Theaters Have Died… DEUX!

January 13, 2011

FEBRUARY MOVIES

motherfuckers

I left off with the month of January on Tuesday and then did not write anything on Wednesday and today is Thursday and it is the month of February ahead of us. MOVIES FROM THE FUTURE!

But first…

Against my better judgment I suppose, I follow many of you on Twitter and in doing so I cannot escape the sappy tsunami that is Twilight. I guess for you all that follow me you can say “against your better judgment” you follow me and in doing so you cannot escape “football” or random pop-culture references or inside jokes that only I get. Nevertheless, yesterday my timeline was hijacked by this image much like “FEATHERS!” did whenever that happened.

I will say that this picture out does FEATHERS! just by the sheer fact that that is the actors from the movie and I can see that instead of a hand, anyone’s hand, and some FEATHERS! At the same time, I really don’t find this picture in the least bit sexy or romantic. To be critical of the lighting and color and that they look like they may be inches from the Earth’s Sun or how blown out (not sexual) they look from all the white so really all that is distinguishable is Kristen’s hair and his knuckles next to her hair.

More than anything I think the dumb point of this is that with Kristen’s eyes closed, unemotional look on her face, and in an odd position of lightly grazing Rob’s chin with the back of her index finger – she could be a mannequin or dead and rigor mortise has set in or they’re role-playing and Kristen Stewart is Helen Keller and Rob Pattinson is Annie Sullivan. At second glance it sort of looks like Rob has his eyes closed as well. Maybe they can’t open their eyes because there is a billion watt bulb burning a hole through the right side of their bodies because the director thought that would look good. Or maybe they are having Stevie Wonder sex.

Seriously, are there no blind people who are famous post Stevie Wonder? (David Patterson excluded because he is only regionally famous)

MOVIES!

The Roommate

There have been an ass ton of movies where one girl gets obsessed with another one and then that first one ends up trying to kill the other one so she can become her. Because there are so many movies with this plot, I can only naturally assume this is happening in real life. So think about the girls you are friends with. Think about the one that most closely resembles yourself. Now realize that at some point she may try to kill you and take your life or vice vera and you’ll do that to her. So start your preparations for either eventuality.

Single White Female was one of the better movies of this type, but the real reason to see this movie is that Leighton Meester is hot…

and Minka Kelly is hot…

And they do look remarkably similar. It’s like the Jay Chou and John Cho thing all over again except I don’t have to make a life changing decision or have a long talk with my parents about me wanting to have sex with these two in a faux twins threesome.

But there is the internet so you can look up pictures of them on the internet or even look up Leighton’s foot fetish sex porn and save the $10 it would be to see this movie.

Sanctum

The only reason I mention this movie is because it is in 3D! Outside of that, it is about a bunch of deep sea researchers off the coast of South Africa I think and they get caught underwater with little amount of supplies and it is a race against time whether they get out or not. They knew the risks. I’m just betting they die and never seeing this movie ever. Sanctum? Pfffttt…

The Eagle

If the Roman Empire could see now what horrendous movies they spawn on the reg they wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble and let the Germanic tribes take them over long long long ago. Wow. I really thought we as a people had done enough to the memory of arguably the greatest empire in history and then we went all Channing Tatum on their ass. I don’t wish upon my worst enemy Channing Tatum. That kid has a nack for making horrendous movies in a way I did not know was possible. Has anyone seen Fighting? Oof. Arguably the best bit of acting Channing Tatum has done was being shot in the back to death at 100 yards by Christian Bale in Public Enemies. That movie sucked as well, by the way. There really should be a moratorium placed on making films about Rome because for what is the basis of the American educational system’s history department for much of your life – no one knows dick about it and is doing a terrible job representing it.

Don’t see this movie. Go watch anything else.

Gnomeo & Juliet

From the “genius” who brought us Shrek 2, comes a kids version of Romeo & Juliet, but with gnomes. Get it? Me neither. I’d rather get shot in the shoulder with a bullet than see this movie. I’d rather learn the pain of a metal bullet with the force of a thousand hammers tear through my flesh and most likely break a bone or two than see this movie. Unless… in the end “Gnomeo” drinks poison and the gnome Juliet stabs herself to death because that I might pay to see.

Just Go With It

This movie title could not be any more appropriate. In Adam Sandler’s new movie he is a guy who picks up Brooklyn Decker… right there “just go with it” is very appropriate. Are we the audience supposed to believe that Adam Sandler is attracting this…

I have more faith in this world that there is a planet out there called “Pandora” and there are big blue monkeys that play basketball and act like Native Americans who are defending some natural resource that our government is secretly mining for meanwhile these same long blue monkeys ride pterodactyls by sticking their tail in the others’ tail… than Adam Sandler having sex with Brooklyn Decker.

Anyway, for some reason in the movie Sandler has to pretend he is married and Jennifer Aniston is the chick he pretends he’s married to. How convenient I suppose. The movie’s title is in reference to Jen’s character and her kids’ characters that they’re just supposed to “go with it” so Sandler can convince Decker that she is to be with him. I think the title is really a reference that if you like Adam Sandler and you still consider yourself a fan then you’re just supposed to “go with it” as he makes another terrible film where he is sexing up women you honestly don’t believe he could ever get in real life and you’re hoping he’ll decide to make a movie that is funny a few years from now.

Justin Bieber: Never Say Never

I know little to nothing about Bieber, which is how I like it. I have no idea what “never say never” is in reference to, but it seems wildly out of place for a kid who I believe is 7 years old and is a multi-millionaire and is always trending on twitter to such a degree I’m pretty sure that twitter doesn’t allow his name to be in the trending topics because it would always be there making everyone else feel less important. Is “never say never” about us expecting him to have a concert film in theaters across the nation? Because I would have said that is definitely happening. There have been by my calculations ONE HUNDRED Jonas Brothers concert movies in theaters, so Bieber getting one is not in the least bit surprising.

I re-watched the VMAs the other day and I stand by my assessment of Justin Bieber: Michael Jackson would have molested the shit out of that kid.

The Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son

Quick review: if it ain’t broke then don’t fix it. Martin Lawrence as an enormous old black woman is gold. Apparently any black man as an enormous old black woman is gold. It worked for Eddie Murphy, it has worked and worked and worked and worked times INFINITY for Tyler Perry and it has worked 3x now for Martin Lawrence.

If I have any advice for Jay Pharaoh on Saturday Night Live it would be QUIT! That show fucking sucks! Jim Carrey was just the host of the show and it was terrible! Secondly, I would say to Jay that he should get a prosthetic mold done of him as a ginormous grandmother with type 2 diabetes and a fashion sense of Mrs. Buttersworth and start working on his fart jokes and prat falls because that is where the money is.

I Am Number Four

Hello there, Teresa Palmer. This lovely lady is I Am Number Four. That’s about it. The rest of the movie appears to be a shitty superhero movie trying to appear to YOU ALL the Twilighters. They’re in high school, they’re all full of angst. I even read an article that I imagine Yahoo was paid to specifically write by the producers of this movie trying to link this movie and Twilight. Will it be the next Twilight? That’s what they asked. Well… no.

No it will not. I Am Number Four will be no more popular than any other movie that comes out in February. Why won’t it be Twilight? Well there are no vampires. Surprisingly enough there are no vampires in this movie. It may be the only movie that has no vampires in it. There are so many vampire, zombie, and alien movies nowadays.

Secondly, there is no FEATHERS and there is no Stevie Wonder sex. So, what does have I Am Number Four have? Teresa Palmer probably doing not too much and probably some shitty fight scenes where the main character whines that he doesn’t want all this pressure of having super hero powers.

I don’t think anyone is planning on seeing this movie anyway, so I’ll just say you should be drinking more water in your daily diet. Just a helpful hint. Also, reduced fat peanut butter is in a lot of ways worse for you than regular peanut butter. And if you are in an elevator and you hold the button of the floor you want to go to and the door close button at the same time it should take you directly to that floor without stopping.

Drive Angry 3D

Let’s not. Nic Cage! If you weren’t satisfied with skipping Season of the Witch and wanted to skip another new Nicolas Cage movie this year then your wait is almost over. Drive Angry 3D is a movie that was specifically designed for the third dimension and for you to wear those stupid glasses to see this shitty movie. Just don’t see it. I know you won’t, but I feel obligated to say don’t. If you want to get high and go see a movie then just don’t choose this one. Choose any number of movies. Just get high and rent something. Stay off the roads. No one needs you high and driving. Just get blazed and rewatch Pineapple Express it will be infinitely more enjoyable.

Two more to go…

Hall Pass

Out of all these movies, Hall Pass may actually render some laughs in a good way. Owen Wilson and Jason Sudeikis are two married guys who somehow get their wives to allow them to have a “hall pass” or a week off from marriage to try and get laid with some strange pussy. I get what the ladies think in this movie that their two out of touch husbands wouldn’t be able to pull it off and they’re calling their bluff. I’m not so sure that is the best idea for two men who snagged Christina Applegate and Jenna Fischer. I mean they somehow got them right? That’s like a guy running a 6 minute mile being dared to run another mile in under 8 minutes. That seems like a losers bet.

Either way, it is a pretty good cast and I bet Sudeikis and Wilson garner at least a few laughs. But it is coming out in February, so it probably won’t be a cult classic or anything.

Unknown

Liam Neeson.

February is the month of good looking wives. In this movie, Liam Neeson is married to January Jones. Jeebus, right? And I believe it. I buy that. I buy that Liam Neeson gets January Jones. It is crazier to think that the reality in this world is that Jason Sudeikis I believe is with January Jones, but I definitely see Liam Neeson with JJ and pissing off every man inside when they pass by, but earning a ton of respect. Nevertheless… Liam Neeson.

A couple years ago, Liam was in a movie called Taken. That movie and Unknown look remarkably similar that they could be movies that were made a year or two earlier and are just coming out now just for the hell of it because it is a weak month of movies. The movie is a mystery thriller and at some point Liam will shoot a guy with a gun and commit hand-to-hand combat on somebody’s broke ass.

I wouldn’t fuck with Liam Neeson. In the twilight of this man’s life, Liam Neeson has been undergoing a ton of hand-to-hand combat training. No idea why, but this man is well-prepared for any mugging. I wouldn’t mess with him. He’s tall, he is trained self-defense and regardless of age or looks – if you’re white -> you’re fucking Liam Neeson… or I should say would. So, Liam has all my respect.

You don't fuck with Liam Neeson; He fucks with you.

QUESTIONS FOR FRIDAY!?!?!?!?!

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13 Responses to “It’s Time To Pretend All Movie Theaters Have Died… DEUX!”

  1. ktdidnt said

    I can’t be the only one that didn’t freak out over that picture right? FEATHERS was at least suggestive. This is boring.

    I kinda wanna see The Roommate because I like the people in it, but I really don’t like scary movies. I guess it’s more thriller than scary but I dunno if I can handle it. I am such a wimp.

    My coworker is fighting with her boyfriend on the phone right now. He has called the office phone 3 times and her cellphone about a dozen and she won’t answer and then gives in and answers just so she can yell at him. Did I mention these people are in their 50’s? Teenagers I could see doing this… not grown ass adults. I hope she gets fired soon.

    • Amy D said

      I love co-worker drama.

      This lady that sits in the cubicle across from me told me recently that my DC shirt was racist… ??? Riddle me that.

  2. They addressed this picture on Filmdrunk today, too. As much as I’m a fan of your interpretation of the eyes closed situation as Edward being a necrophiliac (don’t be silly, technically Bella’s the one banging the dead dude), I also enjoyed his:

    “Since I’m sure you were wondering, Bella’s eyes are closed like that for her own safety. When Edward pulls down his temple garments pants, his sparkling vampire genitals glow like the suitcase in Pulp Fiction a thousand times brighter, and if a mortal were to gaze upon them, it would surely cause blindness. That’s why he and Bella only did anal when they were saving themselves for marriage.”

    Other blind celebrities “since Stevie Wonder”: Andrea Bocelli. Somehow, decidedly less sexy.

    So these are all the movies? You’re not just recapping the shit ones? There’s not going to be a third post with the good ones? Guess I’ll be getting friendly with my Netflix this year.

    • Amy D said

      So the sparkle peen has a similar effect of KStew’s want, one cannot look directly at it without destroying the soul.

      • cledbo said

        Yes but the Want is something we want, a healing balm on the cares of the world.

        Sparklepeen is just cold, Mardi-Gras decorated genetalia that vampire boy really should have whacked a rubber on before FEATHERS! and saved us all the horror/boredom of the remainder of Breaking Dawn.

  3. you should write a post about leighton and her Want. ijs. she wants it. a lot. ok yeah so I just want to look at pictures of her wanting it and I am being lazy and expecting you to provide them so I don’t have to go google searching. whatever.

    my question for friday: what do you do all day? since you don’t work? do you sit around reading fanfiction? I picture you as mainly reading those japanese cartoon things and watching anime porn.

  4. also I feel you really missed an opportunity to make something hilarious out of that picture, like a conversation of what bella and edward say during sex.

  5. cledbo said

    Is there nothing good that this year can bring?!

    Sorry I’m just super-depressed that, on top of the extreme possibility that my job may give me a nervous breakdown, plus severe flooding, I don’t even have any good movies to look forward to to ease the pain.

    Damn you 2011! Bring on Mayan Apocalypse Year. Aka “The circle thing we made our calendar out of was only so big, so really you were supposed to make a new one to continue past 2012, you modern morons.”

    Yeah.

    • how are you over in the land of kangaroos? I know nothing about austrailian geography but was worried about you the other day…and cledbo, whereever he may be.

      also I would ignore mr. doom and gloom’s movie predictions- at least some of them. I have it on good authority that the green hornet movie is funny 🙂 there’s hope for us yet

      • cledbo said

        The wetness of floods is absolutely no where near me, thank God, they’re all in the north east, and I’m in the south-middle. It’s actually a really beautiful day here today.

  6. MyRobbie said

    My husband absolutely loves Taken. Loves it. Has seen it about 50 times. So now, I’ve got Unknown to look forward to in about a year, when it comes on cable. Yay! I’ve got to say, too, Taken wasn’t bad.

    Oddly, the Twilight picture seems kind of realistic or something. Both freaking out because they’ve built this whole goddamned thing up so very very much and now it’s just something they have to just do. And then it’s this painful, literally, I guess, slow, horrible thing. IDK. Not romance novel-y at all. But still? Banging, at least? Thank you, director, sir. At least there’s something. In the book it was fade to black. Aw, crap, I’m waffling. Nothing or clinical/depressing mutual deflowering? Crap. Do they show Rob’s body? Well, then, that’s a game changer.

    OK then. Questions for Friday? Ummmm. Why does New Jersey suck so much? Seriously, I moved here seven years ago and I fucking hate it. Why the suck? Why? Thanks.

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