My Day Off Post

January 19, 2011

The United States of America once had a President named Lyndon Baines Johnson.

He carried a knife.

And used the word “bunghole”.

This isn’t crazy shocking for  a man who forced people to follow him into the bathroom and listen to him verbally tear them to pieces as he took Presidential dumps. But it is still funnies.

I’m guessing LBJ carried a knife because he was basically a character from Huckleberry Finn fame who grew up to be President. But what would be even funnier is if all Presidents carried knives as apart of the position.

Here you go, Mr. President. This is your key to the White House, the codes for all nuclear warheads in the country, a coupon for a buy one get one free Papa John’s pizza with free delivery, and a knife.

Obama’s got a knife!

If I had an anarchist punk band – that would have just become our band name.

Imagine all the amazing posters of Barack Obama wielding a knife? Who wouldn’t buy a t-shirt of that?

Maybe the band could just be:

Presidents carry knives!

We are “Presidents carry knives!” and this is our song about the unwritten tales of sexual liberation of the Incas during the expansion of the American colonies. We call this song “Tomahawk fellatio”!






12 Responses to “My Day Off Post”

  1. PWG said

    You’ve got Incas, American colonies, tomahawks and fellatio in that last paragraph. Sing: Which one of these, is not like the other? Surprisingly, it’s the Incas. I’m sure there was plenty of fellatio in the American colonies. And Urban Dictionary tells me I’m too late to submit a sexual definition for “tomahawk.” Really, is there any verb or noun left in the English language that UD doesn’t have a sexual definition for?

  2. PWG said

    When I think of LBJ I think of that picture of him holding his dog up by the ears. Blah blah blah civil rights, the EPA, Vietnam, just put the goddamned dog down!

    Wikipedia tells me the reason I can’t drive a spectacular vintage VW van pickup is because of LBJ’s Chicken Tax. The more you know.

    Also that he was a domineering ass of a President who signed a lot of very important legislation. The Freedom of Information Act was his, too? Wow. I think I need to track down a good biography of LBJ.

  3. His pants CUT HIS BALLS, and he went back to the same person for MORE ball-cutting pants?! Methinks good ol’ LBJ over there either made some terrible decisions in his life, or he was secretly into S&M. Maybe both.

    This may have been the greatest part of my day today.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I would definitely read a choose your own adventure book with an S&M LBJ main character.

      • Such a shame that doesn’t exist… (she says to the writer in the room).

        I can help get you started?

        Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, enters the oval office, nods hello to President Johnson, and takes a seat on one of the stately couches opposite the large desk. He notices LBJ seems tense.
        “What up, el Beejay? Something bothering you?” Rusk asked lightheartedly.
        “How about those fuckin’ Frenchies placing a tariff on our delicious American poultry? Like I’m the one who needs it to cook Chicken Cordon Bleu every goddamn night. What a bunch of Jacque-straps, am I right?” grumbled LBJ.
        “Yeah, this Chicken War is a real pain in the ass…” agreed Rusk.
        “Something needs to be done,” declared LBJ.

        To have LBJ impose a 25% Chicken tax on potato starch, dextrin, brandy, and light trucks, turn to page 16.

        To have LBJ pull out a gimp mask, insert a ball gag in his mouth, tear off his pants exposing his fishnet stockings, and bend over his desk to have Rusk, who is now donning leather chaps, unleash hellfury on LBJ’s bare ass with a leather whip, turn to page 33… you sick fuck.

        (I’m, like, extra bored today…)

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        “They don’t call her ‘Ladybird’ Johnson for nothing.” — is somewhere in the book.

      • PWG said

        You’re like, extra HILARIOUS today.

  4. kt said

    I’m gonna comment the same thing I commented on gawker the other day. “Why would you buy the same pants if you want them to change everything about them?” Such genius remarks are probably why I am not a starred commenter.

  5. AmyAlmost said

    Love the band name, is the exclamation mark silent?

  6. Ethan said

    good news and bad news.

    i fucking love this blog.

    it’s spelled fellatio.

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