It Is Time! It Is KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT Time!

February 1, 2011

Kristen Stewart. Katherine Heigl. Anne Hathaway. Tom Hardy. Henry Cavill. Robert Redford.

What does this list of recognizable celebrities’ names represent?

A – Age?

B – Beauty?

C – Order I would have sex with them?

D – I want to talk about their upcoming movie careers?

E – All, but A?

THE ANSWER IS “E”… well kind of.

Uhhhh… what? Is he back? I want IT.

YES!

I’M BACK!

And I think at this point, if given the opportunity to have sex with Kristen Stewart then I think I have to take it. As well as all of you. I mean seriously. If you read or wrote or watched or talked about chocolate cupcakes for a year and a half straight and never actually ate a cupcake, but then had the opportunity to have sex with the maker of all cupcakes then you should fuck the cupcakes out of that cupcake man. Cupcake woman. Who made cupcakes?

That took a turn.

Minus fucking cupcake people, Kristen Stewart. Oh man, what if you got the chance to have sex with Kristen Stewart in a pile of cupcakes? Fuck! That is the storyline of the greatest fanfic ever! That was a lightning bolt to my brain and my testicles. Cupcakes and Kristen Stewart sex.

And it is clearly open to sequels… cupcake sex is open to slash as well. Cupcakes do not hold any prejudice about gay sex in the cupcake room.

What was I talking about?

Right! We were talking about Kristen Stewart being cool with red bearded guys getting drunk and handsy on them in public, which is great because I am red bearded …

SNOW WHITE

Twitter and the Egyptian people of Egypt have been going nuts over this news that Kristen Stewart has been rumored to be up for the part of talking to the people making the move who are casting in their minds the idea of maybe having her read for the role in a hypothetical audition in the future the fantasy of Kristen Stewart as Snow White.

What do I think about this?

It could work. I’m not sure if any of you out there who read this delightful blog know, Kristen Stewart is in a series of movies where she plays more or less a doe eyed, alarmingly helpless, young woman, constantly in a state of distress and in need of rescue by a handsome heroic man. I’m pretty sure Bella could easily be taken out of the Pacific Northwest then put into these silly clothes above, surround her by dwarfs, tell her the Prince is a vampire and not much has changed. Snow White lives in the woods; Bella loves sleeping in the woods. Snow White instantly falls in love with some Prince she just meets; Bella is can’t get her panties off fast enough for the vampire in her science class.

They’re definitely going to alter the storyline for this movie, so why not have a scene where Kristen takes a blood soaked dagger and cuts away that long yellow dress down to a micro skirt and then takes to the castle for a showdown cat+knife fight with the Queen, which ends with Kristen getting her head smashed into the famous mirror where it shatters and Kristen with her face crimson red grabs a shard of glass and stabs the shit out of the Queen. I would like it.

That’s me. Whatever.

Good looking. I think it is a toss-up between Anne Hathaway and Katherine Heigl for me. But I wanted to group Tom and Anne together because their both in the Bat Man movie. Anyway, Katherine Heigl was in a movie called “Life As We Know It” and when I flew back from Saint Thomas over the weekend, the trailer for that movie played on a constant loop on the TV screen in front of me. I wasn’t about to pay $6 for Direct TV that flight. I have an iPod so I listened to music the whole flight, but I did catch myself staring at that trailer for quite a long time.

Three things:

1. I could upload my pictures from my trip if you are at all curious about them.

2. Katherine Heigl is a good looking woman.

3. Katherine Heigl makes movies that make me want to jump off a bridge. Can she not be cast in something good? It seems like it was sheer asinine luck she got “Knocked Up”. Why isn’t she at least in one dramatic movie? Seriously, Kirsten Dunst is in a ton of dramas. Throw the Heigl in there. She seems poised to snap at any moment.

Oh hi Anne Hathaway. Is this how you hang out? Doesn’t seem comfortable, but who am I to judge?

Anne Hathaway seemingly was cast as Selina Kyle/Catwoman in the next Batman movie. I’m thoroughly unmoved by this. I have consistently said that Catwoman has to be in the new Batman movie. These two previous Batman movies feel like totally different movies and the third should feel like a totally different movie as well and one way to do that is to have a truly memorable female character in the movie as opposed to the other two. In the first two movies, Batman barely gets a kiss. His sex life is crazy boring and he is more or less a-sexual. They need to sex it up. Have him invigorated by Catwoman. Have a woman who is turned on by Bats and not the alluring down trodden rich playboy Bruce Wayne. Can Anne pull that off? That’s what she said and maybe.

Anne Hathaway has played some sexy roles, so she could be sexy. Can she be athletic and seen as a tough chick? I don’t know. Out of the 6 or so chicks they rumored, Anne is at least a much better choice than Blake Lively or Naomi Watts in my opinion. She at least has some nice luxurious dark long hair like Catwoman has in a lot of the comic books. Should be interesting.

Tom Hardy. He’s a good looking man and he has admitted to having sex with other men, so that’s why I would rather have sex with him than Henry Cavill. Experience and I never liked the show The Tudors, so I would probably have to lie to Cavill that I liked that show when we are having gay sex.

I was not at all surprised that Tom Hardy was cast as Bane.

I don’t know why others were. I guess if you only know Tom Hardy from Inception then you might wonder why he was cast to play an enormous professional wrestling sized villain, but…

This is also Tom Hardy. This is from the movie Bronson he made a couple years ago. If he can get back to that bulk then he’s perfectly fine for Bane. The only big difference is that Tom won’t be like 7 feet tall or whatever Bane is, but unless they’re casting Shaquille O’Neal then they’re not getting a 7 footer anyway.

I like Bane.

I like Catwoman.

Supposedly, there is no Two Face in this one, which I’m a little displeased with, but I have faith in the movie of course.

Henry Cavill is dashing.

As mentioned, I was not a fan of The Tudors, but I did watch the first couple seasons. Definitely the best part of the show (minus any nudity) was Henry Cavill. Henry here was cast as Superman in the new Superman movie directed by Zack Snyder and “overseen” by Christopher Nolan. I’m crazy excited for this movie. I am happy that Henry was cast over the Eye-talian sounding guy from True Blood. I’ve seen a few too many episodes of True Blood and not one of those people shows me any “acting” “talent”. So I was at least happy that some guy and not that guy from True Blood got it.

As for Cavill, I mean he has dark hair and is good looking and will get in great shape for the movie. Good for him. My faith in this movie has nothing to do with my thoughts on Henry though. I have enjoyed the hell out of everything Zack Snyder and Christopher Nolan thus far and I plan to enjoy the hell out of this. I think Zack is going to make Superman a fucking bad ass. And he should. Superman is the baddest man on the planet – bar none. He is SUPER… MAN. The dude flies, shoots laser beams from his eyes, can punch holes through steel, is indestructible, and can basically bend all scientific laws to his will. If Zack can make a bunch of nekkid dudes in loin cloths the baddest action heroes in history then he can take the blue boy in tights and the red cape and make him the HERO he actually is.

I expect a bad guy.

I expect a real villain.

I expect a fight scene that will defy all limits of awesomeness.

I expect a couple more fight scenes that will do the same.

I’m psyched.

Lastly…

Robert Redford made an announcement…

He is swad.

“Swad” is sad, but said like a speech impediment having child in a Disney movie. “Swad”. Rwobert Rwedford is sooooo swad.

Apparently, Robbie feels disrespected that no one asks him to be in movies anymore. Apparently, Robbie only directs because no one will cast him in stuff, but he still wants to work, so he casts himself in the movies that he directs. Oh no! Robert Redford is swad because after 50 years of making movies people are not casting him the way people are casting the likes of youngins like Robert Pattinson. Oh noes! Screw Tunisia. Screw Egypt. Screw Yemen. Screw the world! There is a man, a man with millions of dollar and a 50 year career that is still on going who feels slighted because he is not in billion dollar movies anymore. This is a travesty.

Basically, I don’t care about Robert Redford and kind of think he needs to fuck off.

I just went over Red’s IMDB page and there are at least 10 or so movies he’s made that are great. At the same time, he hasn’t made a good movie since at least 1998. The Horse Whisperer came out in 98. I’m not a fan of the movie per say, but I won’t say it is a bad movie. It’s a good movie for what it is. But I probably would go back to 1993 or 1992 to when he made a good movie for me. Indecent Proposal is from 1993 and it is an ok movie. I think the premise is excellent. It’s not the best movie, but I can’t deny how captivating and alluring the movie’s premise was. It stole the attention of pop-culture for awhile and I definitely give it credit for that. But I never sit around thinking about Indecent Proposal or wanting to see it. He was the narrator for A River Runs Through It, which is a great movie. I don’t know if I’ll give him any “acting” credit for that. Instead, in 1992 he was in the movie Sneakers, which is a great movie. I actually re-watched that a month or two ago. Good flick. Redford is good in it. Sidney Portier is in it. River Phoenix is in it. Good flick. And it is from 19 years ago. Maybe that’s why no one casts Redford.

Or maybe he asks for too much money.

Or maybe he is a dick.

Or maybe he is a man who built a career around being a heartthrob and is now going to be 75 years old this year and the movie studios don’t think they can sell to the much younger movie goers of this world that they want to have sex with this…

And that’s why Robert Redford needs me in Hollywood.

I’ll sign my soul away to direct/write movies about 60+ year old protagonists (man or woman) who are sex symbols. Seriously, I got time on my hands.

I’m back.

It’s freezing.

 

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15 Responses to “It Is Time! It Is KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT Time!”

  1. SingleStrand said

    Bravo sir. Glad to have you back.

  2. kt said

    I would probably have sex with Kristen Stewart and I don’t even like girls like that. Additionally there is a fanfic that deals with a love of cupcakes and there is lots of sex… I don’t remember if the cupcakes were involved in sex but they might have been and at the very least they were a precursor for it. I don’t like Katherine Heigl as a person but I continue to see her movies. I don’t know why other than I like chick flicks. I ❤ Anne Hathaway and I feel I got very familiar with her boobs in Love and Other Drugs. I would like to have a threesome with Tom Hardy, but not as that roided up wrestler guy. Fun fact that you may already know: Stephanie Meyer wanted Henry Cavil to be Edward. I don't know about that, but he is hot.

    I have no opinions about Robert Redford.

  3. HandsomeOlderLustyBlackLad said

    I’d like to be cast in a movie as a handsome older black bedroom cowboy(ya think?),and,as I’ve stated,am STILL the object of HOT,YOUNGER babes’ ad-
    vances at bars/pubs,sporting events,concerts,in stores,etc.(even by a visitor to a neighbour’s last week),but given Hollywood’s,umm,recent retrograde de-
    piction of black men-“The Blind Side,””Precious,””
    Lottery Ticket”,to cite three examples,I’d be lucky if I were cast to reprise Morgan Freeman’s role as Jessica Tandy’s chauffeur in “Driving Miss Daisy.”
    As for Robert Redford,a GREAT actor in his silver screen stud heyday(and a high school classmate of one of my boyhood idols,Don Drysdale,the Dodgers
    late Major League Baseball Hall-Of-Fame right-handed
    pitcher,1956-’69.My cousin,RHP[right-handed pitcher]
    Ferguson Jenkins,is also in the MLB Hall Of Fame).

    • HAHAHAHHA

      this comment made me laugh more than the actual post. my hat is off to you sir

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I agree with you on “The Blind Side” completely. They make Michael Oher look dumber than Forrest Gump – like a lot dumber. Oher looks like “Simple Jack” from “Tropic Thunder” in that movie. But “Lottery Ticket” isn’t anything new – that is just another bad movie spawned from “Friday”, which was definitely not a “Hollywood” creation. And “Precious” was based on a book that doesn’t sound any happier than the movie – plus that was an indie movie, so I’m not sure “Hollywood” is to blame. But I get you – there is still racism out there.

  4. HandsomeOlderLustyBlackLad said

    As I meant to opine about the septuagenarian big sreen legend,Robert Redford,he’s a bit past the “lay it down lad” stage-at least in looks-but I believe
    he’s also shunned today by Hollywood big-wigs because of his decidedly leftist politics.(A major shock for those of you who think Tinseltown teems with port-side practitioners).

  5. Nix said

    I vote for the Kristen Stewart Cupcake Sex Fanfic. Hell make it a movie. Alot can be done with this. Also I’m all for the Snow White with a twist. Get on it.

  6. there are many words in this post. that is good except for I’m not interested in reading them currently. it’s one of those tl;dr situations happening in my household at the moment. I would be good with just more pictures of kristen stewart, that’s about all my brain can process

  7. Isn’t Snow White supposed to be, like, cheery and all sorts of whimsical and shit? Also, I’ve never seen Kristen interact with an animal, but I’m hoping that comes more naturally to her than human interaction because I can’t watch an hour and a half of her stuttering to birds and fawns and bunnies. Just being pale and brunette isn’t gonna cut it.

    Wow, that sounds cranky. Chalk it up to a bad day?

    Henry Cavill is pretty. And welcome back.

    • cledbo said

      I’m at work and know that it would be completely inappropriate for me to google the name of the film I’m remembering, but as a teenager I saw a horror version of Snow White which tells me that any KStew version a) is possible, and b) couldn’t possibly be as disturbing as the horror version I saw.
      Tree rape anyone? wtf. That was a weird movie.

    • Nikki said

      You mean those great big puppy dogs in those vampire movies aren’t real animals? Huh. Not sure the vampire cast count as human though…

  8. cledbo said

    Glad you are back. No sympathy for your cold problems, and mucho gratitude for the cupcake erotica.

    I like how your brain jumps from one thing to the next. I imagine it’s what being on speed is like, but without the teeth grinding and nose bleeds.

  9. HandsomeOlderLustyBlackLad said

    Well,Kristen Stewart is a litle too young for me-though she seems like a lady who goes after what she wants,but…my premiss is that with an African Amer-
    ican President-something almost no Yankeee of ANY persuasion would have dared dream-Hollywood has gone from the first frank inter-racial sex scene in “100
    Rifles”(1969)between nfl Hall-Of-Fame fullback/first black movie stud Jim Brown and buxom Latina uber-
    babe Raquel Welch-my ALL-TIME FAVOURITE BODY BEAUTIFUL BIG SCREEN BABE!!!-to today’s portrayals of mentally dwarfed and/or perverted black men.

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