It Is Time! It Is KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT Time! … Again

February 2, 2011

Kristen Stewart. Katherine Heigl. Anne Hathaway. Tom Hardy. Henry Cavill. Robert Redford.

What does this list of recognizable celebrities’ names represent?

A – Age?

B – Beauty?

C – Order I would have sex with them?

D – I want to talk about their upcoming movie careers?

E – All, but A?

THE ANSWER IS “E”… well kind of.

Um, hello? This is Kristen Stewart from Adventureland. I think the guy from KSWI is broken. Broken? Well, he’s posting the same post again. Uh-huh. Yes. Yes. No. Nooooo. I wouldn’t do that a second time. No. Yes, on a horse. No in public. Ok. Thank you. Yes, I still want IT.

HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY!!!!

Yeah, that’s a picture of a groundhog with a machine guy and a belt of ammo. I thought in an effort to celebrate Groundhog Day, I would write about the same celebrities I wrote about today, but obviously about different topics about them than I covered yesterday.

Also, I found that groundhog picture by typing into Google “groundhog motherfucker”. Among those pictures that populated was this…

I love this picture. This is Tookie Williams and he co-founded the national gang the Crips. Not many people on Earth have ever achieved a level of badassness that Tookie achieved in this picture and even fewer have ever exceeded it. I’m not exactly sure why a man this badass needed a gang considering he looks like a one man army in this picture, but I bet it must’ve been difficult getting dudes to not want to follow him like soldiers. Pretty much if you see a man riding on the back of a lion then you follow that man because he figured shit out.

Anyway…

This is Kristen Stewart’s reaction to the supposed storyline of the new Snow White movie. Ehhhhhh… let’s not and just say we did:

Disney’s live-action version of their famous Snow White has found a writer in Toy Story 3’s Michael Arndt and an intriguing set-up for the retelling: this version will take place in 19th Century China with the title Snow and the Seven.

Uhhhhhh…. Errrrrr….. Ummmmm….. puhhhh-lease…. Nooooooo.

19th Century China? That is “intriguing” because it is 100% random. Why 19th Century China? Why not I guess. Why not 14th Century South Africa? Why not the Paleolithic Period of Mesopotamia?

I was going to make a joke about “why not the Appalachian Trail?” and then I started thinking that might be exactly the place where this movie should take place. I want a meth head series of seven dwarfs in busted trailers. Snow White is actually an affluent Connecticut raised college Sophomore going to a Jesuit School also in the North East who is a member of Project Appalachia. And the villain is her plastic surgery having day drinking step-mother.

It is Clueless meets The Wild and Wonderful Whites.

The news arrives courtesy of The Hollywood Reporter, who say that the story involves an Englishwoman attending her father’s funeral in Hong Kong who then becomes targeted by her evil stepmother. In this version, the dwarves will be replaced with a “a rogue band of seven international warriors.”

Christ! Can’t a dwarf catch a break in this world?! Talk about a kick to the nuts of 7 legally dwarf actors trying to make it into Hollywood. I imagine the dwarf actors of the world were fucking PSYCHED to hear there was going to be a Snow White remake with some hot piece of tail playing Snow White. I mean they got royally screwed by Peter Jackson in all these Lord of the Rings movies. Sure, they are good enough to be used for the wide shots, but lord knows those stand-ins are not getting paid Elijah Wood money. Elijah Wood and Dominic Cooper wouldn’t start on 3rd grade traveling basketball team in Vietnam, but they’re not dwarf short.

Englishwoman? Just give the role to Emily Blunt or whatever already. I don’t want to hear Kristen doing an English accent.

Francis Lawrence (I Am Legend, Constantine) is still attached to direct and Natalie Portman has, apparently, expressed interest in starring, though her casting may now be complicated by the actress’ pregnancy.

I have NOTHING bad to say about Natalie Portman ever, but could she stick to playing Americans. I think it is funny that she is stealing British roles from British actresses like British actors are stealing American roles from American actors, but I like Natalie as Natalie and not Mary Poppins Natalie. Also, if Francis Lawrence is directing this movie plus the “rogue band of international warriors” line means this movie is going to be a horribly constructed action movie.

If we really wanted to get serious for a minute…

Selena Gomez as Snow White. Justin Bieber as the Prince. The two of them having a kiss on screen and duet-ing their way through the dialogue would legitimately sell ONE BILLION tickets.

Also, Justin Bieber could play all seven dwarves. All wearing a different colored oversized baseball hat to a different side.

WordPress keeps saying “dwarves” isn’t a word which is why I keep writing “dwarfs”.

Katherine Heigl is married and raising a special needs child she adopted from Korea.

So, yeah she should make better rom-coms.

I was already depressed with life knowing she is too famous and accomplished and internationally renowned too good looking for me, but she is actually a much better human being than me. So … I made breakfast without anyone’s help again today.

Apparently, this is the only photograph ever taken with Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway where they both have their clothes on. Soak it in.

Last night, I was on a porn website “solving for X”. And on some of these porn websites they have a feature where they show you what other people are watching. At first, that sounds disgusting knowing that someone else is watching that video at this very second and answering algebra problems all over himself. But after a few visits, it starts to become like the Netflix rating system. The new Karate Kid movie got 3.5 stars? Maybe I do want to watch a guy have sex with a girl on a bus. Anyway, there was a video of the nude scenes from Love and Other Drugs compiled together in one seamless video.

I thought to myself, well I don’t need to click on that because I’ve already seen Anne Hathaway naked in two other movies. But then I noticed the video was 4 minutes long. That is a long time to be naked in a movie. So I clicked on the link. Basically, Anne Hathaway is naked in that whole movie. The whole movie. There may not be a single scene in the movie where she is not topless. That movie should have been called:

SEE ANNE HATHAWAY NAKED!

or ANNE HATHAWAY IS NAKED SO BUY A TICKET!

or DO YOU WANT TO SEE ANNE HATHAWAY NAKED? OF COURSE YOU DO, SO BUY A TICKET

or Love and Other Drugs and ANNE HATHAWAY BOOBS EVERYWHERE

God bless her. Then I started thinking that one other time I saw Anne Hathaway naked was in Brokeback Mountain and she was with Jake Gyllenhaal in that too.

Basically, Jake Gyllenhaal is the kryptonite to Anne Hathaway’s clothes. Or at the very least her shirt and bra. I bet seconds after the above picture was taken, Anne Hathaway’s top disintegrated into dust in the wind.

Dear Christopher Nolan,

HIRE JAKE GYLLENHAAL! HIRE HIM! Have him play a bell boy or a street vendor or a cab driver or something. Have him in that damn Batman movie stat because if he is in it then we get Anne Hathaway boobies. Do you know what would have been better than Michell Pfeiffer as Catwoman in Batman Returns? Michelle Pfeiffer naked as Catwoman in Batman Returns. That is an undeniable truth. That is truth talk. I’m talking truth here. And you know what would have really made Halle Berry’s Catwoman better? A plot. Also, her naked. Halle Berry naked would have made that movie an absolute classic. Do you remember the movie Swordfish? Do you remember anything that happened in that movie outside of Halle Berry showing her boobs in that movie? No. I’m guessing not. Quick question, was Vinnie Jones in Swordfish? Having trouble answering that question. Can’t remember if he is in it or not? Were Halle Berry’s nipples in that movie? Yeah, you knew the answer to that one. Vinnie Jones was in Swordfish, by the way.

In conclusion, getting Anne Hathaway naked does not require wine, roofies, a new car, wedding ring – it requires Jake Gyllenhaal. If you provide the Gyllenhaal then you will see her naked. That probably can be said about 90% of women, but you didn’t cast 90% of women.

Kind regards,

KSWI Jordan

xxxooooxxxoooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

Tom Hardy slept with another dude? Shocking. ^^^ This guy?

I’m just kidding Tom.

Seriously, though. Tom Hardy is supposed to be the lead for a Mad Max remake. I’m looking forward to that. I hope that still happens.

The Road Warrior is still an excellent action movie. I think people should see all three Mad Max movies, but if you could only see one The Road Warrior is the best. Beyond the Tunderdome is wild and out of control and just ludicrous and complete fun, but it isn’t as good of a movie. The original Mad Max is good for what it is and for how little money they spent and so forth, but The Road Warrior is out and out a better all around action extravaganza.

For whatever reason, I love post-apocalyptic movies that have the car chase scene through the desert wastelands. I love that idea.

A British Superman? *shrugs* It is funny that it is a British Superman, British Batman, and an American born, but British raised Spiderman. It doesn’t change things for me considering Superman isn’t real nor was he real, so who cares. The last Superman was American and was directed by an American and that movie sucked. This one will be directed by an American, being overseen by an American who most think is British and played by a Brit. But the better comparison is that, the first American director (Singer) had directed two superhero movies (X-Men and X-2), which I thought sucked. Meanwhile, this American director (Zack) has directed one official superhero movie (Watchmen), which I really enjoyed and he directed one un-official superhero movie (300 – it was a comic book movie at least) that was hella fun. The Overseer who is American (Nolan) directed two superhero movies (Batman Begins and The Dark Knight), which arguably the greatest movies to be created by a human being. So, I’m putting my money on them.

I will admit that I am worried about one thing with these Brits. There are about 60,000,000 Brits out there and they seem to be accounting for a third of the actors and so forth out there. At this rate, the Brits may overtake the Jews with the ridiculous ratio of “not many of them” to “they are in every movie and TV show” ratio. It is about all us Jews have, so stay off it you Brits.

Suck it, Redford.

A great looking guy born in Southern California who got a scholarship to college to play baseball only to have it taken away for drunkenness and then went to the Pratt Institute to study art then moved to Europe to live as a painter and then went to New York City to study as an actor then at 22 married an 18 year old girl named Lola Van Wagenen…

What I’m saying is that if Robert Redford died at 23 years old, he would have lived a better life than 99% of human beings who have ever walked this fucking Earth. Her name was fucking “Lola” “Van” something?! Unreal. Let alone this man did not die at 23. He kept living an amazing life all the way until this very stupid day.

Cry me a river, Redford.

Loved you in The Sting as well as all humans ever, so shut it.

 

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5 Responses to “It Is Time! It Is KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT Time! … Again”

  1. Have you ever tried to explain Groundhog Day to other cultures? It is really difficult. And embarrassing. American’s are the insanest.

  2. Local Search and Find…

    Local Search and Find…

  3. PWG said

    This is me today: reading, reading, laughing, reading, laughing, WAIT. Robert Redford died?! How did I not hear about that. checking wikipedia, checking Google, cursing Jordan.

    I’m reading posts I missed backwards. Where your common taters are, I do not know. It’s finally starting to dawn on me exactly how many of your comments I’ve historically been responsible for. I think Kristen needs to do a publicity tour for this site, the way actors always do for their new movies. She’s been featured here way more than any other place on the Internet. I assume. I mean I don’t go any other places, but I’m guessing. The more you write, the better chance we have that she’ll end up on this site one day to learn her ideal NFL position.

  4. Vanessa said

    I’m gone to inform my little brother, that he should also pay a quick visit this weblog on regular basis to get updated from most recent reports.

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