Hey, Snow White. We Get It. Now Git Atta Heeeerrreee!

February 3, 2011

What the fuck is going on in Hollywood?

Three days in a row, I have woken up and heard about a new Snow White movie. Three. Three? THREE! THREE!!!

THREE!

The first movie was the Kristen Stewart Snow White movie entitled: Snow White and the Huntsman.

The second movie was the Chinese/British 19th Century Snow White movie entitled: Snow and the Seven.

The third movie is the newly announced (to me at least) 3D Snow White by visionary director Tarsem Singh: The Brothers Grimm: Snow White.

So…

The question that I’m sure everyone is asking themselves right now is:

Why does Charlie Sheen not have any STDs even though he is sleeping with all of these pornstars?

Exactly.

I actually asked on twitter if there were any topics that should be discussed today and that was one of the questions that was asked.

I think there is a very simple answer as to why Charlie Sheen doesn’t have any STDs – if he is sleeping with famous pornstars then he really shouldn’t catch any STDs from them. Whatever prejudices many may hold against pornstars, they are tested on I think a monthly basis for STDs. I would imagine this is a lot more regularly than any of my readers out there who are reading this very sentence.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you read these 1000s of words and then you go out and hump every guy and girl at the Dairy Queen and then run off to the “clinic” to see if caught anything or not like your poon is a Pokemon video game. Gotta catch ’em all!

I’m not saying pornstars don’t catch STDs from time to time. Just playing the percentages, they have to catch something at some point. If you play a professional sport then you are bound to get injured at some point. If you play football then you will get an ankle sprain at some point from running or someone falling on your leg. It will happen. If you work at a paper company or you’re just handling a lot of paper then at some point – no matter how careful you are – you will get a paper cut or a 100. Your paper cut is a pornstars gonorrhea. And I spelled gonorrhea correctly the first time, which disturbs me a little. Why was I so positive on the spelling of gonorrhea?

Anyway, if you’re paying for pussy and you got the money to spend, a pornstar has got to be the Kobe beef of punani. They’re professionals at sexin’. And like a really good piece of meat, you can find out exactly where it has been. Most of these girls have wikipedia pages, agents, managers, imdb pages. Corn meal fed, California raised, et cetera.

My curiosity in the situation is most piqued at how does the coked up, drunk, woman hitting, Charlie Sheen choose which pornstar he is going to completely unsatisfy and possibly do something illegal to (lock in a closet, throw to the ground, hold a knife to their throat et cetera… things he has done). I really hope these pornstar girls, or at least the more famous ones, stop taking these Charlie Sheen jobs because it sounds dangerous. As far as celebrities go, Charlie Sheen sounds like the Afghanistan Korengal Valley of celeb hooking jobs.

In conclusion, Charlie Sheen is living a life running on 100% luck and pornstars get regular STD checks. Or maybe he eats 1000s of bushels of acai berries with his cocaine.

SNOW WHITE!

Back to the 3 movies at hand…

Snow White and the Huntsman


Sounds like a porn. Speaking of porn. Am I right? Although, if this was a porn movie it would probably be Snow White and the Cuntsman. Actually, it would be Snow White and the Cuntsmen. Plural. Multiple dongers in and around Snow White.

In the original Snow White, the Huntsman takes Snow White into the woods and is supposed to kill Snow White for the Evil Queen. But he stops himself and instead just leaves her in the woods. And that’s it. You don’t see the Huntsman anymore after that. Of course, in the original the Evil Queen is fitted with smoldering hot iron shoes and made to dance herself to death. Yeah, that’s probably not going to be in the movie either.

The big rumor is Kristen Stewart will play Snow White in this movie and Viggo Mortensen will play the Huntsman. Not only does the Huntsman not kill Snow White, but instead he becomes her martial arts mentor for her to survive in the woods and then I guess kill the Evil Queen. To me this sounds like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Innocent chick, evil plot thrown around here, older dude comes into her life, teaches her hand-to-hand combat, she fights evil.

I guess there is nothing wrong with that. I’m not sure why this has to be a “Snow White” movie for a movie that is just about some older gent teaching some sexy young lass how to kick ass. It sounds like my fantasy of Kristen taking the knife, cutting herself more or less a micro skirt and a tank top, fighting the Evil Queen in a dagger match, and then killing the Queen with a shard of glass from the broken mirror isn’t too far off. That legitimately could happen in this movie.

I just hope they teach this chick some spinning back kicks. You have to use someone’s natural abilities and Kristen has a pair of legs on her. I wish it was Mirko Cro-Cop as the Huntsman teaching Kristen Stewart that left high kick.

Snow and the Seven

I talked about this movie yesterday and the day before. I thought it was the same movie as the movie above. But it isn’t. This is the 19th Century China Snow White where she is British. It sounds like it will be a Magnificent Seven slash Seven Samurai styled Snow White. Snow White has a gang of rogue warriors who will help her defeat the Evil Queen. It sounds more like an anime or a one-off comic book.

Both of these Snow White‘s sound like straight action flicks more or less. The Huntsman in the first movie isn’t going to teach Snow White how to crochet a sweater. He is going to teach her how to kill things with knives. As for this one, Snow White isn’t rallying up a group of 7 marauders for a poker game. Snow has her own battalion of guys and will have them fight to the death for her. It sounds like a movie we have seen a million times before. I’m betting it will be more like King Arthur or Clash of the Titans, but the girl will be the main character instead. And she’ll probably use a bow. She may not use any weapon, but if she does it will probably be a bow and arrow. We as a society are perfectly comfortable with chicks killing shit with precision bow and arrow shooting. Not sure why, but we are.

The Brothers Grimm: Snow White

Well, I have good news and bad news and news that sounds epic, but it is becoming mundane.

1. Tarsem Singh is the director, which is good news.

2. Julia Roberts is rumored to be the Evil Queen, which is bad news.

3. The movie will be in 3D!… like every other movie ever made.

Tarsem Singh is not a household name considering he only has two movies under his belt: The Cell and The Fall. He has a movie called Immortals, which I believe is coming out this year. Anyway, you may have seen The Cell and you may have never heard of The Fall. The Cell was the crime thriller with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Lopez using futuristic technology to enter the mind of a serial killer to find out where his latest victim is locked up, so they can save her in time. The killer is played by Vincent D’Onofrio. Do you remember that movie? It was ok.

I’m not a huge Tarsem Singh fan as I thought The Cell was ok and I didn’t really like The Fall, but there is absolutely no denying the man is an artist. He creates some of the most visually stunning scenes in these two movies. The Fall is even more so just a project for your eyes to feast on. The acting and storyline were down right stupid, but if you have a bad ass TV and feel like letting your pupils eat some beautiful scenery and colors then rent The Fall. You could probably put the movie on and turn the sound off and put on your favorite Gucci Mane album or whatever you kids listen to and just watch it.

I’m not a Julia Roberts fan per say. I thought she was great in Closer and she’s been fine or fairly charismatic in a bunch of movies 20 years ago. I’m way more interested in seeing what Tarsem has come up with visually than what Roberts could do acting wise as the Queen.

The movie also sounds a little “actiony” where Snow White and the Dwarves are going to fight the Queen. But out of the 3 movies, this will be the least actiony I would guess. Tarsem does big beautiful slow motion visuals, not fight choreography. He likes bold and slow and colorful, so expect that.

As for tomorrow…

I’m hoping I wake up to read that someone else is making a Snow White movie as well.

Alejandro Inarritu directs Blanca Nieves. A white girl from San Antonio, Texas flees to Mexico after her step-mother has her father killed and tries to kill her. In Mexico, the white girl is rescued from dehydration and so forth by a group of 7 mariachi musicians. The step-mother hires some corrupt border patrol Texas Rangers (the cops, not baseball players) to get her step-daughter back/kill her. Instead, the girl falls in love with a Mexican Federale and the two of them sneak into Texas with the mariachis to stop the evil step-mother.

I’d see that.

I’m casting Camilla Belle as Snow White, Gael Garcia Bernal as the Mexican Federale, Tommy Lee Jones as the old caballero Huntsman who I forgot to mention in my little paragraph up there, Barbara Hershey as the Step-Mother. It’s a start.

Questions for Friday

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4 Responses to “Hey, Snow White. We Get It. Now Git Atta Heeeerrreee!”

  1. I would see your version of Snow White. And I like Viggo and all, but casting Chuck Norris as the Huntsman could guarantee a cult classic hit.

    So, your commenters have gotten lazy. Sorry?

  2. Nikki said

    Once again I too prefer your version of Snow White. Those others….? Eh…

  3. PWG said

    Thirded for your Blanca Nieves version. I admit I lost focus after the words Viggo Mortensen appeared. What is WRONG with Charlie Sheen’s arm in that picture? Is it a gargantuan bruise? I’ve seen people right after they’ve been tattooed, and it didn’t look like the ink had been kicked on by a mule. Also, if those two women are porn stars, and I’m just guessing here because there weren’t captions and I’m not all up on my porn girl recognition, then my preconceived notions about all of them having boob jobs is obviously wrong.

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