This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #48

February 11, 2011

Well, it has been another week.

Yep. It certainly has been. It has been another 7 days since I’ve done the last one of these weekly wrap ups.

It has also been another set of 5 week days that will conclude with the weekend starting tomorrow.

It has been another week.

One more in the books. One more in the books of life. Actually, one less in the books of life if you view it that there is a book holding the weeks of your life and you are removing them until the book is empty. That’s a pleasant thought. Another fucking week.

How about a happy thought?

PUPPIES!

SWEATER PUPPIES

MORE PUPPIES!!!!

STILL KIND OF FAMOUS SWEATER PUPPIES!!!!!!

PUPPIES THAT TALK!!!!

ROBOCOP’S GUN!!!!!!

PUPPIES AND MACHINE GUNS!!!!

KARATE!!!!

KARATE SWEATER PUPPIES!!!!!

….

I could simply do this forever because there are so many combinations of puppies, sweater puppies, guns, karate, celebrities and other happy things like explosions, cookies, slam dunks, and butts. It could go on forever as mentioned, so I might as well get to the only possible conclusion and that is…

HASSLEHOFF PUPPIES!!!!!

Questions… and… answers…………… ooooohhhhoooooohhhhoooooohhhooohhhohohohoh

Question for Friday – why is the courtesy flush not commonly used in public restrooms?? Do you feel men utilize this more than women do?

That is disgusting. Right off the bat I’ve lost a lot of my interest about going into a woman’s bathroom. Well, I courtesy flush all the time. I courtesy flush in public. I courtesy flush in private. I sometimes go into the bathroom and flush the toilet even when no one has been in there just to make sure the water isn’t stagnant, the bowl is getting clean, and to give a big fuck you to the kids in Africa. That’s right kids in Africa. Even though it doesn’t make any sense in the world, me flushing a toilet somehow affects your water supply, so fuck you!

I went to this place called “college” for four years and while there guys were really open about their bathroom habits. I’m sure the same can be said for “camp”, but I never went to “camp” because they’re full of “child molesters” and “work”. “College” wasn’t really full of “work”. It was more full of “booze” and “bathroom habits of fellow male roommates” than anything else. But in “college”, the courtesy flush and what precedes the courtesy flush was open talk on the table at all times whether you liked it or not. I heard courtesy flushes originated in the military like all good ideas in this world.

Anyway, I courtesy flush. If you filthy bitches are not courtesy flushing then you can just chalk that up as another reason why there have only been male Presidents in these United States of Amerrrrrica.

Friday question: why are there no hot male prostitutes?

I’m glad you came to me with this question because I know way too much about this industry not to say something. I think you more or less answered your own question when you said that, I’m paraphrasing here, it’s called “going to any bar and just asking a guy to go to pound town”. I fully believe. Even more so, I think you could probably talk the guy into giving you some money out of the whole deal. As far as finding a man who is clean of any diseases and can please you at the same time? Well, I’m not entirely sure that can be said as a guarantee just because you’re paying a prostitute.

I know I spoke highly of prostitutes last week (seriously, that could be said at any point of my life – I’m always regaling people with the positives of prostitution – if I have a disease it is that one), but prostitution is a service industry just like any service industry. How do you know they’re a good mechanic? Just because they have their own place and people use them doesn’t mean they’re actually any good at their job. Maybe that “mechanic” is terrible at giving lube jobs – oh the glory of THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

As far as prostitution goes, I bet if there is a male strip club near you you can turn those guys into prostitutes pretty quickly. I think there is an undercurrent rumor that male strippers are gay, but they can’t all be gay. There has to be a percentage that are straight. Either way, I’ve never been to a male strip club, but I have seen footage of them in various movies and they look pretty graphic. They’re like a wink and a smile away from sex anyway, so there’s that option.

And, lastly, finally, I will say that all male prostitution can be found in the comfort of your own living room on a place called INTERNET DATING WEBSITES! Seriously, I would bet money like real money – that you set-up an OkCupid or PlentyofFish account and just solicit guys for sex on it and you’ll get that sex. In that way, you’ll not only be getting the male prostitute for free (unless you go to a pay site like Match or you literally tell the guy you will pay – which I think is on most men’s bucket lists), but you will also find out that his favorite book is The Catcher In The Rye (great gay porn movie title) and they love Italian food.

Have we opened a stargate to the planet of People Who Need Hugs?

I’m down for hugs like almost always. Especially from good looking women or men I admire. I think we all are due for hug. I don’t know when the last time someone hugged you, but it couldn’t hurt to have another like right now. You don’t need to get your car’s oil changed every time you go out for a drive, but it wouldn’t hurt the car any. Get a hug. Go get a hug right now. Plus hugs are free. I have yet to pay for a hug in my life. So let’s open that Stargate for this planet of hugless people because we currently are on a planet of people who give hugs and people who like getting hugs.

This could be the best outcome to any interplanetary meeting.

Alien Leader – We’re aliens and we come from a distant planet and we want to destroy Earth because no one hugs us.

Human Leader aka Barack Obama – You want hugs? If we give you hugs you won’t destroy Earth? Let me get this straight, you all want hugs? Your whole planet?

Alien Leader – Yes. We all want hugs.

Barack Obama – Well, come on. Get in here for the real thing. I’ll give you a hug.

They hug and Alien Leader sheds a single tear and also smells Barack’s neck a little. I mean the man must smell of lavish soaps and cologne – HE’S THE PRESIDENT FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

Barack Obama – Hey U2, Bono and Edge, give those other aliens some hugs.

Bono – I was already planning on it. I have hugged at least one dozen people from every country on Ear-

Barack Obama – I didn’t say to talk. Just give them a hug. If you’re opening your mouth, it better be to sing “The Sweetest Thing” or not at all.

Bono and Edge begin hugging and humming the opening of “The Sweetest Thing”.

Barack Obama – Michael Rappaport get your hands dirty and hug some of the aliens. Also, can I get someone from the Secret Service to get Brett Kiesel from the Pittsburgh Steelers out here to give some of these aliens great big grizzly bear hugs with that beard of his. I’m sure they’ll like that. And start working the rolodex and get a list going of good huggers like Will Smith, Bill Clinton, Tom Hanks, Edward James Olmos… where’s Biden at? He’s a good hugger.

Best movie ever.

Must one be famous to possess want?

Absolutely not. Have you heard of this website called Facebook? Those people aren’t famous who are on there, but you can find some certifiable grade A Angus Kobe beef want on there. It really comes down to the fact that celebrities are getting their pictures taken a lot and we want them to want IT, so we do see it. Sometimes they really do want IT and sometimes they just are looking like they want IT because they know that we want them to want IT. I mean imagine you’re dressed to the nines and a mass of photographers are yelling at you how great you look and snapping pictures and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are inches from you and people are screaming and you have had a few tequila shots in the limousine on the ride over. I mean it would be pretty easy to want IT at that point.

But regardless of circumstance, Kristen Stewart wants IT and it’s like being tied to the tracks as a freight train is coming at a billion miles an hour about to smash you to the afterlife.

Not a lot of black people working in Hollywood, are there?

Yeah, that was very telling. This was an awfully white Oscar nominees list. There are some movies I wish were nominated, but there weren’t any black people in them either I suppose. Hmmm… I would have to really think about what movies came out this year if the black peopl should have been up there or not.

is it possible to know both the location and the extent of the Want *at the same time*?!

Kristen’s want? The extent is infinity and human brains cannot understand the concept of infinity. I mean we get that there is a word “infinity”, but that’s about it. So definitely we can’t understand the “extent” of it in that sense. As for the location, if you have a GPS on where that chick from the Twilight movies is at then there is some want going over there. There is want happening almost everywhere, but there is always want pouring out of that she vixen like a waterfall every given hour of the day.

What the hell is Nicki Minaj ? Where did that thing came from? Is it a dumpster baby of lil Kim and Missy Eliot?

She is very similar to Lil’ Kim. Missy Elliott is her on breed of crazy and I don’t think anyone will be able to recreate what she did. A lot of people have gotten crazier because of her success and want to have similar success, but no one sounds like her completely. Nicki is a lot more like Lil’ Kim than Missy. Also, Missy has always somewhat scared me. Meanwhile, I always thought Lil’ Kim was really attractive and I think Nicki is even more attractive than Lil’ Kim. Nicki Minaj is built like someone was drawing a caricature of a curvy woman and somehow she exists. I don’t get it. But I bet she would get CRAZY ANNOYING after being with her for like 5 minutes.

What if Kristen Stewart, in search of a place to watch the superbowl, wandered into a buffalo wild wings?

If she wandered into the Buffalo Wild Wings that I was in for the split second I was in, I would have probably laughed so hard at that moment that I would give myself a brain aneurysm. The sheer ridiculousness of seeing her in person at this point of running this blog for a year and a half would just be too funny.

As for any Buffalo Wild Wings, I’d imagine the lights would dim and the TVs would flicker like how Hollywood portrays people who got hit by magical lightning aka John Travolta in Phenomenon.

What is WRONG with Charlie Sheen’s arm in that picture?

It was difficult to look at the picture twice because his crotch was just so in your face, but I don’t have a clue what is up with his arm in that picture. Maybe he paid a prostitute to do that.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

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25 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #48”

  1. PWG said

    Four. FOUR of the Friday questions were mine. I would like a photoshopped award of some sort.

    I’m two ways about the puppy snipers. On the one hand, what an adorable way to die. On the other hand, I’m not certain those dogs are schooled in proper trigger control. One squirrel wanders into that compound and you’re gonna need a lot of new terrorists.

  2. FMNB said

    Hells yeah! I didn’t know there was a weekly wrap up!! Thanks for the entertainment. If I knew how to photo shop or even add a picture or link, I’m pretty sure my award to PWG would be your high school picture hugging A black Hollywood prostitute from outerspace with a big fat tree in his ass.

  3. I think prostitution (both male and female) should be legal in the US. BAM! bet you weren’t expecting that little tidbit but…you got it. How that relates to today’s post- very little, but there you have it.

    • I bet you think weed should be legal too. Fucking hippies.

      • yup. I think everything should be legal unless there is a really good solid reason for it not to be. obvi there is no good reason for weed or prostitution to be illegal other than government peeps love bossing around other peeps. and don’t get me wrong I’m all about bossing people around but I feel like the government should have better things to do. also if prostitution were legal, sex workers would have a safer workplace and they would probably stop getting raped and stabbed. but even if it didn’t stop, at least when it went to trial their attackers would actually go to jail for raping someone instead of just being fined for “theft of services”

        I guess I’m all for not treating women like garbage cans and repressing them and not telling them what is and isn’t ok to do with their bodies…now where is tiff when I go off on a feminist rant

      • tiffanized said

        Here I am, both thoroughly turned on by your feminist rant and completely sentimental that you remembered I’m a humorless feminist. Sob.

      • cledbo said

        Prostitution is legal in our national capital’s state (i.e. Canberra). Some brothels in Aus are on the stock market! And yes, there are very few dead hookers over here, as far as I know.

        Weed is decriminalised, but still not ‘kosher’. As a member of the armed forces I can’t partake anyway, but would agree that it isn’t worse than tobacco so what the hell.

    • PWG said

      If we can’t get legal prostitution, how about a “Choose Your Own Navy SEAL” Day for underprivileged soccer moms?

  4. I love puppies. I’m dying to shoot a gun. Apparently you can’t just do that shit up here in Northern New Jersey. You have to belong to clubs or be an old white dude or something? I guess you have to go down the shore or out to Pennsylvania where anything goes. One day…

    I’m all for giving hugs, but I’d really rather not relive the comments from February 8th. Seriously, what the hell was that?

    I’m going to go sit over there alone in the corner because I’m cranky from a shitty week/day, and in need of one of those hug things.

    • PWG said

      Now see, you sound like you could use a hug. I myself got a hug today from our title company while doing a home refinance. Well it was actually more like “a good rogering” in the form of excessive fees, but I’m pretty sure they got a happy ending out of it so I’ve done my good deed for the day.

    • you can come shoot my gun anytime you like πŸ™‚ and then you can go to harry potter world afterwards. also I just made deviled eggs and you can eat some

      *hugz*

  5. PWG said

    Here is a clip relevant to this week’s topics. There’s prison (for Predator day), hearts for Valentine’s Day, prostitution, simulated weed smoking for Milfie day and the marvelous line, “You’re gonna play tennis . . . with GOD!”

  6. tiffanized said

    The problem with going to dating sites or bars for sex is quality. I’m not saying a male prostitute would definitely be good in bed, but I feel the odds are in our favor that he knows his way around the girlparts. Then there is the issue of sentimental attachment–theirs, not ours. Men always seem to want to rope us into some sort of situation whereby we continue to have sex with them, usually exclusively them. I’m doubting we’d be getting late night texts from a male prostitute saying “Why u dint call me πŸ˜₯ ?”

    • fully agreed. I hate the β€œWhy u dint call me πŸ˜₯ ?” text. they always make me feel guilty. and then of course they force me to lie and say, “I was totally going to! but then I forgot…”

      like, what else am I supposed to say to that? You were awful in bed and frankly I want to try and forget the whole thing happened? I mean realistically if they weren’t awful I probably would have called again.

  7. kt said

    I don’t say this enough, but I love you guys. Each and every one of you.
    *hugs all around*

  8. cledbo said

    Swap kittens for puppies and all of what you said is true. Though sweater kittens doesn’t really work, and so sweater puppies are good. NIGELLA IS MY GOD.

    ahem.

    Nicki makes me feel very comfortable about my own thigh size. Because my thighs could crush Kristen Stewart’s head a la Sonya in Street Fighter, but Nicki’s are bigger. And she still commands ressspec. Which, whilst different to R-E-S-P-E-C-T, is still better than being known as thunder thighs.

    I’m well tipsy and surprised at my ability to type let alone spell. NEWS: if the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, Mr Cledbo and I will be road tripping our way across the US next June. Put it in your diaries, sisterwives, oh and you Jordachian. Hah! Drunkeness rules.

  9. cledbo said

    Godammit! Where did my reply go?! Fuck you wordpress. Hopefully my comment turns up at some point, otherwise main points are:
    1. I’m quite drunk
    2. KSWIJordan rocks my Aussie world
    3. I’m coming to America nect year, probably in June. Mark your calendars, sisterwives.
    That is all. Happy Valentines, bitches πŸ˜€

  10. Nikki said

    How a about a week wrapping up with lightning striking IN YOUR HOUSE? Thats my life. Jordans weekly wrap up was, in general, more fun. An weekly wrap up spent with non-courtesy flushing male prostitutes, gay or otherwise, would’ve been more fun. A weekly wrap up up spent with a gun-toting, devilled egg eating, weed smoking HeyyyBrother would’ve been more fun. Seriously. FML.

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