People Let Me Tell You ‘Bout My Best Friend, Justin Bieber

February 14, 2011

Let’s start this story where all stories should start – Me.

I was sitting at home, eating dinner and casually forcing my parents to watch The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia because that is what I do. I “force” people to watch movies that will only make their lives a million times better. Sue me. When the movie ended, I got up to go to the bathroom to expel urine or some sort of waste from one of the two holes on the lower half of my body that accomplishes said tasks. I returned to find the TV had been, in a word, hijacked. Hijacked for the Grammys.

After I verbally abused my kinsmen for such disgusting mutiny, I then passive aggressively watched the next hour of the Grammys. I hate the Grammys. I always have and this year didn’t change anything. Who is nominated, I wouldn’t nominate. Who wins from those nominations, I would never give the award to based on those previous stupid nominations. I disagree with the event in its entirety.

I will skip past the Eminem/Dr. Dre/Rhiana performance, which might as well have been them performing “Too Legit To Quit” (which would have been 1000x better) because that damn song of theirs sounds like it was from forever ago. They performed that same song on the VMAs which were I think back in September. How behind are the Grammys? Jay-Z and Alicia Keyes’ song “Empire State of Mind” was nominated for something as well. Didn’t that song come out two years ago?! Let’s skip past the bad Mick Jagger performance and everything until we get to the now infamous Best New Artist category… dunh DunH DUNH!

The nominees were Drake, Mumford and Sons, Florence & the Machine, someone named Esperanza Spalding, and international boy toy Justin Bieber.

Clearly, you can guess who won? Is it really a question at this point who would win in this situation? All the Grammys are are a mass of pop artists and no one is a bigger pop artist than Justin Bieber. He is everywhere, he has a movie out, he is the current topic of every dream of every 12-16 year old girl and a lot of boys, after 16 he drops to about half of the dream topics until you reach mid-20’s, and then half of that for every 5 years after 25 and then shoots up back to 50% for women between 40-50 and then to finally close to 0% after 50, he accounts for 2% of Twitter traffic at any given moment, he did a guest appearance on every TV show last week to promote that damn movie, he’s in commercials, he is on the cover of magazines, and basically the media is trying to mentally force fuck our brains with this 5’3″ Canadian mop topped jailbait at all given moments during the day.

So who won?



This bitch! This jazzy bitch! This well… she doesn’t seem like a bitch at all. Her creamy cafe latte skin put a hex on those critics! Her wild afro of sexual prowess confused their brains! This evil, or perfectly nice lady with the legs and feet and pretty smile, temptress voodoo cursed the already simple minded Grammy folks and now they have forsaken this one and only category that was perfectly set-up for one and only one person to win and that, of course, is a little fella from the great white north that puts the smiles on the faces of all the 15 year old ladies, Justin Bieber.


Seriously, look at this kid. The Biebs is giving the reverse Peace sign, which does not mean he likes war, it actually means double the amount of peace. That’s what the fuck this kid is about. DOUBLE PEACE! That is just science. What is Esperanza Spalding about? She likes and plays jazz music. That’s one thing we know. She likes to be apart of international conspiracies to rob the teenagers of this world the only thing they could have possibly asked for for Christmas and that was a Justin Bieber Grammy for Best New Artist. We know that much. Is she a communist? Who isn’t these days? Right?! The President is supposedly a communist. If a smart man like Barack Obama could get roped into this communism, are we saying that the pinko commies are not smart enough to allure Esperanza Spalding? Yeah, I didn’t fucking think so!

What do we really know about this cellist succubus? She has soft lips like silk pillows? I’m guessing so. It looks like it. It really really looks like it. Her eyes penetrate into my soul making me want to terrible things to barely legal Canadian boys in her honor as to appease her like some Egyptian queen. AHHHH!!! SHE HAS ME UNDER HER SPELLS! IT IS ALL HER TRICKS!!! HER JAZZ TRICKS!

Finally! Thank you, Justin Bieber, for breaking that pretty lady witch’s sorcery. Here is Justin Bieber and Usher. I think we all know what I think of Usher – he is a national treasure. So much of a national treasure than Nicolas Cage should be hunting for Usher around the globe to solve some riddle regarding the founding fathers and the future destiny of mankind. I believe Usher is hiding a secret fortune of riches on him at all times. What are those riches? His friendship. And he shares that friendship with Justin Bieber. So… FUCKING BOOM! BOOM FUCKING BOOM! Are you telling me that a friend of other national treasures like Arnold Schwarzengger wouldn’t be a friend of yours? Are you telling me that you would like cross at a man like Sven Ole Thorsen? ARE YOU?! ARE YOU ESPERANZA SPALDING?!

Look at it this way –

A national treasure (Usher and/or Arnold Schwarzenegger)

is friends with someone (16 year old international pop sensation Justin Bieber and/or Danish actor, stuntman, bodybuilder, athlete and former World’s Strongest Man Sven-Ole Thorsen)

and wouldn’t you want to be friends with that person regardless of knowing anything else about them?

That person has to be a great person because national treasures only consort with other potential national treasures.

I just feel like I have to defend this Justin Bieber kid for two reasons:

1. He’s a 5’3″, 16 year old, pop star from Canada. He can’t defend himself. One thing makes him weaker than the next. There are some strong 5’3″ people out there, but they’re also not 16 and pop stars nor are they Canadian. He isn’t built for confrontations.

2. Who else will?

I feel like I’m all alone on this. I mean is there anyone else out there with the balls to take on the Grammys? Seriously, they are just too strong of an institution that they have probably all the governments of the world humming to their Esperanza Spalding tune. I heard that the riots in Egypt were because the Grammys wished for them to happen. And then they blew on a fallen eye lash and Mubarak resigned. You know that type of shit happens when the Grammys are involved. I heard the Grammys stopped production on Crystal Clear Pepsi and pulled the plug on The Wire. I heard they killed the Archduke Ferdinand and made Cameron Diaz annoying. I heard they boiled a kitten’s whiskers and made Dave Chappelle crazy. I heard they danced naked at sunrise, which created the Spiderman Broadway musical. And I believe last night, they stored all happy tears of a generation of young girls and confused middle age women and spread them over the remains of smashed Justin Timberlake CDs and cursed Justin Bieber into not winning Best New Artist.

If you’re thinking to yourself – maybe the Grammys like Jazz? First –


Secondly, Milli Vanilli won a Best New Artist award, so why not Justin Bieber? It is just seems idiotic.

And now as this fine upstanding young man has had his rightful legs taken out from underneath him, others are kicking him in the ribs… like Yahoo:

This is what the Bieber wore last night. I’m not in love with it, but they gave him a D-. They gave him as close to failure as possible regarding these clothes. The only way to fail at wearing clothes is by not wearing them and he is fully clothed. But a D-? They are cowards attacking this fallen child! And if you’re curious if they gave everyone a D-…

This received a B. B?! This was a B in Yahoo’s mind. I’m pretty sure that this wouldn’t fly in a restaurant or a Rite Aid. What the fuck?! This is a B?! That is way beyond a passing grade. Not only is it passing, but that is an endorsement for others to attempt to wear clothes such as these. That is the insanity that the Grammys has brought upon our society. Not a rightful award for the child whose laughter has brought many happiness and whose falsetto half rapping has been the anthem for many in their pursuit of not giving up on finding a teenage boy of their own dreams. Meanwhile, this gets a fucking B.

If you’re wondering – Lady Gaga’s egg scored higher than Justin Bieber in a tux.

A pox! A pox on all your houses!

Lastly, let me say that Harry Nilsson’s classic “Best Friend” is the title of this post and is also appropriate for Justin Bieber the gentle soul American ally that he is. Here are the lyrics –

People let me tell you ’bout my best friend,
He’s a warm hearted person who’ll love me till the end.

People let me tell you bout my best friend,
He’s a one boy cuddly toy, my up, my down, my pride and joy.

People let me tell you ’bout him he’s so much fun
Whether we’re talkin’ man to man or whether we’re talking son to son.

Cause he’s my best friend.
Yes he’s my best friend.
(scat finish).*

*I wish all my posts could end with a scat finish.


18 Responses to “People Let Me Tell You ‘Bout My Best Friend, Justin Bieber”

  1. FMNB said

    I would not have pegged you for a beiber backer. I will think of you, blog writer guy, when my seven year old drags me to Never say never. I will even watch it in 3D in your honor. I love mumford and sons. I love Bob Dylan. I have a super kind of love for that collaboration of people I love on stage together. Yep, that’s pretty much my whole wrap up of the Grammys. Thank you DVR for allowing me to watch in an hour.

  2. kt said

    2. why isnt there a “who is esperanza spalding” tumblr because thats the real upset in my opinion.
    3. beiber fans apparently destroyed her wiki page right after she won.

  3. I am writing this on my phone so I will be brief- thank god, right?

    1: I love Justin Beiber. I just learned how to say his name the other day when I realized I love him for how great to his fans he is. “beliebers” makes a lot more sense when you find out his name isn’t pronounced b-eye-ber. And yes- I do live under a rock. A cable-less rock.

    2- despite my Beiber love, the “artist” that won was the only one that deserved to win. I also love drake, but drake and Beiber are not artists. They are pop or r&b singers. There is way less artistry in that then being a jazz musician. Ijs.

  4. kristenstewartwantsit said

    Happy Valentine’s Day everyone? I forgot to mention that in the post.

  5. PWG said

    Happy Valentine’s Day to you as well, good Sir.

    Although I’m not really behind this holiday. It’s one of the many reasons I’d like to see the C-level management of the Hallmark corporation dropped into an active volcano.

    I hate their $4.00 pieces of folded paper. I hate the sheer number of cards they produce with chimpanzees on the front. Their television channel makes me embarrassed to have a vagina. They make something called Hoops and YoYo personalized plates. For when you want people to eat off of your face. They make this card with a picture of an elephant’s ass on it, and it plays K.C. & The Sunshine Band’s “(Shake, Shake, Shake) Shake Your Booty.” It costs $6. I’m pretty sure K.C. wasn’t holding out for a $5.00 residual to use that song, and I can’t believe it costs that much to pay a photographer to snap pics of an elephant’s ass. Highway robbery + induced guilt to make people buy products that fill an artificial need.

    As our long-lost and sorely missed Zees says, “Let’s hear it for Steak and Blowjob Day!” Although we could change it to Margarita and Oral Sex Day in the name of gender equality.

  6. PWG said

    I didn’t watch the Grammys. Bill Wyman tells me there’s a bit of a fix in on the nominations, so that could explain some of the ire I saw on Twitter last night. That’s not the Stones’ Bill Wyman, by the way.

  7. PWG said

    That truly is a hideous suit Bieber is wearing. It’s ill-fitting, it’s white + ivory, the lapels are trying to creep over his shoulders and it doesn’t go well with tennis shoes. But a D- is harsh. I’d give him a C+ just for being a 16-year old boy making a sincere effort to look presentable.

    I think your “shoots up back to 50% for women between 40-50” estimate is wildly off base, though. I refuse to believe there is a middle-aged woman who fantasizes about that baby. I don’t think even Mary Kay Letourneau at her most pedophilic would have lusted after Justin Bieber.

  8. PWG said

    By the way, your first Esperanza picture is showing up as a red X for me, but the rest of your choices were fabulous. When I was first scrolling down to Hoodie Bieber I thought it was a girl, and the inclusion of a panda photo is top-notch. He’s wearing a purple cardigan in that photo. And dogtags, you know, from his Canadian military service. He’s just lovin’ up that panda something fierce and it has sent me into hysterical laughter more than four times.

  9. PWG said

    If you can find a picture of Justin Bieber to add to the Celebrities Eating Ice Cream post, I will give you a dollar.

  10. You can’t possibly be too pro-Bieber because you didn’t tell anybody to “GO DIE IN A HOLE” in this post. Nice try, but I’m not convinced.

    Any and all awards shows are the worst. I just watched for the Mumford.

  11. PWG said

    Go forth with good fortune, you single or adulterous amongst us:

    30 literary quotes that just might get you laid

    • PWG said

      You’re welcome to try them if you’re married, too, but it’s less embarrassing if someone you don’t know laughs at you.

    • Thanks, but I think I’m just going to cruise around town with this blaring from my speakers in a desperate bid to find a dinner date:

      • PWG said

        There was another great line in the comments, for if it all goes terribly wrong:

        Jeff: Blind date gone bad… ”I’ve had a wonderful evening, unfortunately tonight wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

  12. cledbo said

    Now I’m going to have “Baby Baby Baby” stuck in my damn head all day.

    Happy Valentine’s to you too, J-swizzle >:P

    I got bupkis for V-Day, but that’s pretty normal. Mr. Cledbo got beef stroganoff so he came out better than me*.

    Also, who knew that Barbie and Ken split up?! Let alone get back together.

  13. Freya said

    One might say your post both began and ended with scat.

  14. hanadi said

    i dot have best friends i am wte i saf you are my best friend justin bieber love hanadi

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: