Prepare Yourselves For The Most Intellectual Essay Ever Written On A Topic Of A High-Minded Scholarly Subject…

February 16, 2011

… also known as I Took A Dump On Einstein’s Grave!

I hope you have your thinking caps on.

I hope you have a link to open.

I hope you have a link to open.

I hope you have a link to Google translator open.

I hope you have a link to Wikipedia open.

I hope you have a paper and pencil handy because you will need to take notes.

I hope you are ready to get blown… away with knowledge.

My last hope of hopes, you are all not offended by the difference in intelligence between myself and all of you. Today’s post will illustrate perfectly what genius levels my brain has exceeded and I hope this does not cause a rift in our relationship when you see what a lowly pedestrian level your brain works at in comparison.

Let us begin…

Today’s topic is…


AWWWWW!!!! Look at that face! Look at that FACE!!!!

I just want grab that face! I want to hug that doggy face so badly! GIVE ME YOUR FACE DOGGY! SO I CAN HUG IT!!!!!

I won’t lie, I would kiss that doggy. Right in the middle of that face! Right in the middle! Could you imagine? It would be so silly! Just giving that doggy a big old cartoony kiss right in the middle of his face!!!! I would need a towel right away after said kiss because I seemingly would be covered in drool and bits of kibble, but it would be worth it! I’ve kissed girls with a similar consequence, but replace “drool” with “drool” and “kibble” with “whatever girls eat before they pound appletinis”, but it was not worth it.

Look at that silly doggy!!!! Oh my look at that doggy!!!! I would love to run into this picture and this would be my series of actions:

1. Greet the doggy as if it is the Queen of England.

2. Talk to girl in tank top because I am a sucker for girls in tank tops.

3. Channeling my inner Wesley Snipes (which there is), in one swift ninja movement I tear these green things from the doggy’s ears and liberate the doggy’s ears!

4. Doggy and I play! We play!!!!!! We get the girl in the tank top to play!!!! We all play!!!

5. Go for a creeper hug on girl in tank top.

6. Successful or not successful – exit picture back into my sad little life in New Jersey.


I want that silly doggy! I want that silly doggy in that outfit and I want that bow tie that that literally insane man who is holding said silly doggy is wearing! It looks like his little face is smirking. He knows how silly he looks. He looks silly, but he also looks like the most conservative member of The Culture Club. He is definitely in a new wave band from the 80’s. He is a silly doggy who plays bass. Yes, he is. Can you imagine the life one leads who purchases the raw materials to then later make a fedora with a zebra stripe on it for a little silly doggy? The answer is a beautiful life.

I have hair! I have lots of hair! I have everywhere! I’m like that Dashboard Confessional song about hair being everywhere! I’m a doggy.

HAHAHAHAHAH! I AM A DOGGY!!! Look at that doggy! Look at it!!! This doggy gets better every time I look at this doggy. I prefer looking at the doggy starting from its cute little head. Then I continue my looking going north to south. After its cute little head is its big ears! Look at those ears! We would blame games with those ears. Like putting them over the doggy’s eyes for a second like a blind fold or holding them up and out like they were wings attached to the doggy’s head. Why would a doggy have wings on its head? Silly doggy! Then its hysterical hotdog body. It’s like a little tank. It’s like a little tank with wondrous auburn hair. Then finally the coup de grace is its FEET! LOOK AT THOSE FEETS! I would play all day with that doggy going after its feet and the doggy would play back by trying to stop me from getting its feet, but I would get its feet more often than not. Like 50% of the 60% of the 90% of the time.

This is a silly doggy! It played bass for Rick James on the 1981 tour promoting the new album Street Songs. We would hug this dog and I. I had an Old English Sheep Dog once, so we would talk about that while we were hugging. I would also find this dog’s eyes. I don’t see them here, but I would find them amidst all the hugging.

How many treats does this doggy want?!!! He wants all the treats!!! ALL OF THEM!!! How many treats would this doggy get?!!! As many as he would provide me little  licks for, which by my calculations is ALL OF THEM!!!! We would be best friends. I would scratch his little head, right on the top of his head. He would get that look like “you’re scratching my brain and it feels good” that dogs tend to get when you scratch the top of their heads. And then when I stop for a second and he looks at me like, “Who told you stop? Please continue the brain scratching. I’ll give you licks if you start the scratching again!” Then he would give me a few licks and I would scratch his head more. And this would go on forever.


First thing first, I hug this doggy. I have to do that first. I hug ’em up real good. I hug ’em and I give him kisses on his snout. I scratch his snout. I play with his ears. I give him more hugs. I play with his fronts legs. I play with paws. We hug. I play more with his paws and get him riled up and we play, which ends in hugs.

After that, we solve crimes. The two of us will finally put the Moldinari brothers in jail. The doggy will find the clues with his cute smeller nose and then I would fill out the proper paper work for the police because doggies can’t fill out paper work. Doggies can’t hold pens or type! Then the police would tell us to piss off because cops are idiots. Then we would go vigilante style and catch the Moldinari brothers ourselves. The doggy would be wearing a Lone Ranger mask as well as I.

Who is that peeking around that lady’s big behind? IT’S A DOGGY!!!! A DOGGY WITH ITS TONGUE STICKING OUT!!! Otherwise known as the greatest type of doggy.

What ‘cha doing back there lady? I’m just trying to enjoy my doggy treats like a doggy does and your hand with the fingernails is getting awfully close to my doggy dumper.

OH. MY. GOSH! THIS DOGGY WANTS TO BE PET SO BADLY!!! Doggies are so good that they even love other doggies! Look how happy this doggy is to be in its Snoopy bed with its Snoopy toys. This doggy wants IT and by IT I mean nonstop hugs/petting/treats!


If I saw that doggy I would giggle and laugh and make a bee line for the doggy and give that doggy a big bear hug and left that doggy off the ground telling it is one silly doggy for sitting like that and wearing these silly clothes. Is that a pink scarf and a bullet proof doggy vest? You are the silliest doggy! I hug you silly doggy! I also grab a hold of your wrinkly paws and we laugh together! DOGGIES!


OH MY GOD!!! THE PETTING AND HUGGING AND KISSES THIS DOGGY WOULD GET!!! HOW MANY?!!! HOW MANY?!!!! MORE THAN THE NUMBERS WE CURRENTLY HAVE!!! They would need to invent a new number system to calculate even a fraction of the hugs and kisses and pets that I would give this doggy for this wink! It would be so many. AND SCRATCHES! I would scratch this doggy’s face. I would get all the itchies out! Let me pet that doggy already!!!!!!!!

DOGGY!!! You don’t give doggies elaborate ribbons! You give doggies hugs and love and little doggy treats that they love and eat so quickly that at some point you break down and try them yourself as if you didn’t have enough food options in your own house that now you are going to start eating doggy food and you eat the doggy treat and it tastes bland and not like you were expecting and you look at your doggy all squirrelly and say “you really like these that much” as the doggy is in agony seeing you eat its only treats and then you eat a second one just to make sure meanwhile the doggy is about to have a mental breakdown if you don’t start sharing those doggy treats with them before you end up eating the whole box and complaining that they don’t taste as much like bacon to you as the box describes… !!!!


This is the Scottish Deerhound who won the 2011 Westminster Dog Show last night.

Here is the gallery of doggies that I took these pictures from. I highly suggest investing a chunk of your day looking at these doggies.

Thank you doggies.






23 Responses to “Prepare Yourselves For The Most Intellectual Essay Ever Written On A Topic Of A High-Minded Scholarly Subject…”

  1. PWG said

    “After that, we solve crimes.”

    That sentence almost ended my life. I was eating a miniature ice cream sandwich when I read it, and I snorfled a piece of it into my windpipe.

    This is timely. So propitious. Apropos to my interests. It’s too legit to quit. I opened AND youtube to prepare for today’s post!

    • PWG said

      Wait, is he rocking jorts starting 2 minutes into this? I’d forgotten the international hand signal for 2 Legit to Quit, I’m going to go find a hearing impaired person and speak to them of the Hammer. MC, not Tom Delay.

  2. PWG said

    I spent 40 minutes of my life last night looking at YouTube videos of cute animals. Zees posted a link to Kitten Girl on Twitter, that’s how it started. It ended with a non-stop marathon of Mishka, the most adorable ohmygod aren’t you sooo cute yes you are you’re the prettiest baby ever talking dog. Okay, the dog doesn’t talk, but sometimes it sounds like she says “I ruv roo” and she’s just the most adorable thing I’ve seen in a long time. You can’t be sad watching videos of a talking Husky. If I ever get depressed I’m going to go to bed with a 6-pack of Guinness, a pint of coffee ice cream and my laptop and watch animal videos all day.

  3. leah said

    This is the best piece of work ever composed. I feel confident that this would outsell even the Holy Bible.

    • I need all of you to know that this is my college roommate aka bestest friend aka person I would most likely be a lesbian with if it ever came to that.

      • PWG said

        For God’s sake, keep Elle away from her. Leah, I applaud your taste in bestest friends and lesbians if it comes to that.

      • Yeah, as I recall Elle hates the gays as evidenced by her use of a no-no word to describe them. Don’t be scared though leah, the sisterwives welcome any and all potential lesbians. Case in point- we’re all married to each other.

      • leah said

        well montanna, polygamist lesbianism is the best kind. woo!

  4. PWG said

    I wish this were my job. “Where do you see your career in 5 years, Ms. PWG?” “I see myself massaging chinchillas for a living.”

  5. kt said

    I read this whole thing with a smile on my face and giggling. I love doggies. Dauschaund feet are the best doggy feet in the whole entire world. They are soooo cute, but really pokey when they walk on you.

  6. FMNB said

    Aaawwww. Doggies. I just pet my doggie, scratched her ears, kissed her snout, sniffed her head, then squeezed her til she ran into another room to hide from the lovin’. I stayed clear of her doggie dumper.

  7. Do they give away Nobel Peace Prizes for blog posts? I’m pretty sure we could send this post to “the Middle East” (keeping it generic) and it would resolve any and all conflicts. Both existing and future. And it would cure depression for the rest of our natural existence on this planet. And probably for any robot slavery existence we’re forced into by alien races on foreign planets in another 3000 years.

    THIS WAS THE GREATEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN. Made even greater by the fact that it was written by a 6 foot 3 inch bearded grownass man who likes to watch men beat each other bloody with their fists.


  8. PWG said

    That ribbon is amazing. I wish I could have slapped one on my ass when I got married. Where do you even get something like that? I bet there’s a whole sweatshop devoted to making next year’s ribbon already.

  9. PWG said

    You could never stop rubbing this thing* because of how very, very sad it looks when you stop (40 seconds in):

    • tiffanized said

      Who are these people with amazing pets? People with boxes full of baby sloths? People with . . . that thing? I knew once upon a time what “that thing” was but the knowledge has been replaced with I like to move it move it on a loop.

  10. I’m pretty sure the only thing cuter than puppies ( we call cute dogs puppies where I’m from… Maybe it’s a southern thing? Doggies= cows as in get along little doggies as in move your ass you lazy cows… Anyway) is kangaroos. Wait what was I talking about? Oh right. Kangaroos. They hop. It’s cute.


  11. tiffanized said

    I hope my html skills aren’t too rusty here.

    If I had Stains, I’d make him cupcakes every day. Why can’t he have a fucking cupcake? I don’t understand the need for disciplinary action.

    I’d say something here, but really, what needs to be said?

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