Will Anyone Let Me Sleep Past Noon PLEASE!

February 17, 2011

I went out drinking last night with a couple friends in the city of cities known as the city.

I got back in at just before 3am and probably didn’t actually fall asleep until 4 or so. There is non-stop construction of houses, multiple homes, across the street, which starts rather early with the banging of what I assume is a 30 foot nail that needs to be driven ever so slowly and gently into 50 foot piece of timber. Just tap and tap and tap and tap and tap for EVER.

And when I am in the middle of a dream about something I cannot remember right now, but what was highly entertaining to me during the sleeping process is thoroughly interrupted by a phone call about a bill that I paid yesterday and only that person doesn’t know that I paid it, but I did, so thanks for the call.

Well, my brain is not running on all cylinders. I tried to drink a cup of coffee and the miniature poodle was so happy to see me she jump attacked me and in doing so either landing her foot in my coffee or at least shed some of her doggy dirt into my coffee because now the Esperanza Spalding colored coffee is flecked with crumbs. Crumbs from a dog. Not drinkable.

So what did I do last night?

We talked and laughed and shared stories and drank and ate and things.

I’ll try to remember some of the things we talked about and maybe you will all find them slightly interesting…

1. On the drive up to NYC, I was thinking about this for some reason – bad people. Do you believe there are “bad people” in the world? People who you cannot categorize them any other way. Rapists, murderers, child molesters, serial killers, tyrannical dictators, people who are specifically committing actions consciously that are without a doubt “bad”. What percentage of society do you believe these “bad people” consist? How about 1%? If you had a 100 people would you feel safe to say 1 of those people are bad? Well, let’s say you are feeling safe to say that. That would mean with the 300 million people in the USA that there are 3 million bad people roaming this country. Also, if you take the world at 6 billion people there are 60 million bad people out there. 60 million?! That sounds bad. That sounds worrisome. But looking back at the 100 people in the room and 1 of them is bad, it doesn’t sound frightening at all in my opinion. It sounds like we’re going to stomp the shit out of that bad person.

2. Assigning personalities and backgrounds on the dogs you own. For instance, Dawgz now has a dog named Choopy. She is a rescue and her name was Choopy when they got her. The background for Choopy in Dawgz and his gf’s mind is that Choopy is an older woman who has her law degree and is a professor mathematician. She can be referred to as either Professor Choopins or Ruth Choopenstein, Esquire. When they are not at the apartment they believe that Choopy is either brushing up on some legal reading or doing calculus – “she’s always solving for X” is a common phrase from Dawgz. My other friend has a dog named Lucy and her persona is of cold blooded killer gangster. She is always making the decision that leads to the most physical violence. She is not to be messed with. As for my dogs, the mini dachshund is a queen of some country that has little power. Regardless of the wealth of the country or even political power, she is still the elderstateswoman queen that the plebeians need to bow down to. The golden retriever Gracie is a hopeless romantic in dire need of affection or she becomes immediately depressed. She wants to be accepted to the point that every action a person does should be about her. She writes sad Facebook status updates because everyone on her cell phone didn’t call her that day. As for the miniature “poodle”, I fully believe that she is part monkey. A dog breeder somewhere crossed a monkey and a poodle and that is what type of dog we own. It is a simian primate and a cuddly puppy at the same time. She’s absolutely crazy, but she knows what’s going on. I tell her every so often that I will teach her how to speak English and she stares me dead in the eyes with a knowing “and it will be a great day”.

3. The Mets. Talked some about the baseball team The New York Mets. They are in the worst right now. They lost a ton of money in the Madoff ponzi scheme somehow. They have been a bad team for awhile now. They have a locker room of guys who have never shown they could be great consistently and now they are older. They have no pitching to speak of. Their best pitcher is still hurt and at the very earliest will pitch in June, but probably not consistently until later. Their closing pitcher was last seen punching out his father-in-law in front of the team, teammates families et cetera after a game in the club house. He is now back in camp and he has a clause on his contract that if he ends up playing 55 games then he gets an additional $17 million. He will never play 55 games, but they have to worry about getting rid of him at some point and whatever fiascoes he could cause before then. With all of that and more, why not root for the New York Mets this year? Why not? These guys need a win more than almost any other team right now. There is the likelihood that they have given up on their season by mid-season, so why not root for these guys? It won’t be much of an investment. Any game they win will be a great achievement and any game they lose is expected. The Amazing Mets. As for the other New York team, The Yankees, I just can’t think of rooting for them unless you just like rooting for the Yankees. I can’t think of one player on that team that I want to root for to win. Derek Jeter was openly humiliated a little bit by the team during contract negotiations, so Jeter doesn’t love the team he is with and the team owners don’t love him. Why root for that? Why root for a franchise who disrespects the best ball player they have had in at least the past 20 years? What about Alex Rodriguez? Who wants to root for this guy? I can’t imagine people sitting around hoping things turn out well for Alex Rodriguez. The rest of them team – eh? Rooting for a team that sees anything, but winning a World Series a failure is a little annoying and they’re a team that has won way more than a bunch.

4. Arnold Schwarzenegger back in acting. Love it. I brought up my one idea with Kristen Stewart and Jay Baruchel or someone like those two playing college aged kids who fall in love. Jay needs to go back to Kristen’s house and meet her family because he is thinking of proposing. Her mother is a single mother and is wealthy and powerful and works in the movie industry as a big deal producer. Kristen may not have a regular father that raised her, but all these famous actors over the years have treated her like their daughter and been her father figure like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Robert DeNiro, Steven Seagal, Clint Eastwood et cetera. Each one gets a chance to meet Jay and they all put him through the ringer to test the kid’s merit. So they all go psycho on him like he would imagine they would go psycho on someone in a movie. That’s one idea. Also, we fully believe that any movie that Craig T. Nelson is making that Arnold should swoop in and steal that role. Also, we generally outlined we could see a movie with Arnold being the lone silent patriarch in a big family movie of women. He’s married, has like 6 daughters and numerous granddaughters and nieces and he has sisters. And there is some conflict and in the end Arnold has to help sort everything out.

5. Carmelo Anthony needs to be a Knick. I don’t care what the deal is – they have to make it happen. Carmelo wants to be in New York. LaLa definitely wants to be in New York. Get him the fuck to New York and let that beautiful bastard ball for the Knicks.

6. Lady Gaga’s new album better be good. With all the clothes and meat dresses and points on her shoulders and so forth – who gives a shit? If that album isn’t good then goodbye Gaga. Already, the new single sounds identical to Madonna, which is ok because she is a rip off of Madonna in many ways. If Annie Lennox and Madonna had a love child (which I believe they have) then that is Lady Gaga. The new song is good, but that album better be good. Her first two albums were good and all I care about is whether or not she actually keeps making good dance music. I can put up with a lot of superficial nonsense and overly meaningful 60 Minutes interviews and her talking about being an artist and all, but just make some damn dance tracks and move on. Also, we were talking about all she has done for the gay community. She definitely was the loudest advocate for the repelling of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. I fully support that. But is it really surprising she’s for gay rights? Seriously? A 24 year old club girl from New York City who “used to” do a lot of cocaine and party and rights pop dance music and dresses up in ridiculous outfits and wild make-up? She’s pro gays? You’re kidding me! I’m shocked. Just shocked. Who could have ever guessed? It would be more surprising if she wasn’t into gays. Her at some disco dance club in trendy Manhattan doing coke in the bathroom with a bunch of drag queens yelling at these queers to get out of here and lecturing them on being the downfall of the institution of marriage before going out and grinding her half naked 5’3″ body around to a Depeche Mode jam.

7. We fully agree that Thor looks terrible. That The Green Lantern looks terrible. That X-Men First Class looks excellent. That The Avengers movie has no chance of being good. And we were split on Captain America. Dawgz and I think it looks bad. Our friend thinks it could be good just because it should feature a lot of Nazis getting punched in the face. Here is hoping you are right.

8. We came up with an idea for a web series or a movie that is completely distasteful, but we found really funny last night called Bringing Back Heath. It focuses on that we love The Dark Knight so fucking much and more importantly Heath Ledger’s performance as the Joker so much that we would do anything to get him back to act more. So, we pitch a proposal to Mary Kate Olsen to fund our project of resurrecting Heath Ledger. With the backing of the Olsen’s millions, we dig up Heath Ledger and begin experimenting on trying to resurrect him in any way possible. Any resurrection story form any religion, work of fiction, old wives tale, superstition, anecdotal et cetera. With everyone thoroughly offended, suing us, attacking us, interviewing us and so forth – we keep pushing the point that if only one of these magical life reversals works then BOOM we have Heath Ledger back. Who doesn’t want that? If they don’t work then what really have we done wrong. We also only need one to work. It’s not like if the third of 30 ideas works then we kill him to then see if the other 27 work. No! We stop once he is back alive and making movies again with Christopher Nolan.

9. A good deal of politics. More so what a cluster fuck the Republican side of the 2012 election will be. Could the Tea Party completely break from the Republicans and have their own convention? There is a good chance of that I think. What does that even mean for the Tea Party and their candidates? How about the Tea Party having absolutely no foreign policy. That should be interesting in a debate. Also, I’m thoroughly excited to see the high priced cannibalism that will happen during any debates between the Republicans. Who will be running for the Republicans? Probably all of them. Why not? Who is the front runner? What could any of them lose? Plus throw in a ton of Republicans like Mike Huckabee who will use this election as one great commercial for his TV/radio show and a literary career. Can’t wait to see all of that. Besides what a steamrolling juggernaut I think the Obama re-election campaign will be like.  What was the big knock on Obama prior to the 2008 election? No experience. Well, being the President is pretty good experience for being the president. Should be good television.

10. I ate a free hotdog.

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10 Responses to “Will Anyone Let Me Sleep Past Noon PLEASE!”

  1. kt said

    1. I had a seriously long and indulgent dream last night, and I haven’t had a crazy involved dream like that in a very long time. Anyways, in my dream I joined the Navy. And I wore one of those cute little sailor hats. The rest of my uniform was navy blue and white, but not those ugly white bellbottom things or regular dress blues… I can’t describe it really, but I remember it was super cute. So in my super cute Navy uniform I was doing all these daredevil Navy maneuvers with big ships and stuff and then the next thing I know I’m sitting in my Papa’s living room in my super cute Navy uniform and telling him all about being in the Navy. He was asking me all kinds of questions and I was giving him very detailed answers and we were bonding over stories of his time in the Army and my time in the Navy…

    2. My miniature dachshund is also royalty… but she is a Lady. No really, her full name on her breeders certificate is Lady Mercedes Scott. Her whole family has names like Prince and Queenie so my father saw it fit to keep with the tradition. She is a royal stuck up bitch. We are all here to do her bidding and if you don’t do what she wants she eats the crotch out of you jeans/underwear and poops in your room. My dog, Sabrina, is a spaniel mix who had a sad puppyhood before she came to live with us but she has overcome that and is very happy go lucky and goofy but crazy smart. She knows all the answers to Jeopardy. She beat Watson the other night. True story.

    3. I guess it is time for me to admit it… I don’t like Lady Gaga’s new song and I thought her Grammy performance was boring and I was not at all intrigued by her pointy alien prosthetics or her condom dress. I LOVE the Fame Monster. LOVE IT. I do not care for Born this Way. I am dissapoint.

    4. X-Men first class does look good, but I am not sure that I buy James Macavoy as a young Patrick Stewart who is all I think of when I think Professor Xavier… but I guess the idea is to separate the two huh?

    5. If a Teapartier wins I’m moving to fucking Canada. I’d rather be cold than stupid conservative.

  2. tiffanized said

    1. The problem isn’t that 1 in 100 people are bad, but that all of us are between 1-10% bad, and you never know when that percentage will show up. So there may be 100 people in a room and at anytime they might call up their 1-10% badness and 100 people go bad at once. Which means that at anytime everyone on the planet might simultaneously go bad and then ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.
    2. My Jack Russell is the jealous ex-boyfriend that you tried to stay friends with but he takes every small gesture as a sign you want to get back together but you just stay in touch enough to keep him from stalking you . . . again. My pug rides the short bus and is a giant who doesn’t know his own strength, like Lennie from “Of Mice and Men”.
    3-5. Sports related, so you know, I got nothin.
    6. Lady Gaga was dressed in a flesh colored latex dress on Good Morning America that made it look like she was wearing a giant condom. Poor Robin Roberts had to conduct an interview with a woman who was impersonating a penis and selling expensive lipstick. I buy my makeup at the Dollar Tree. A $15 lipstick is beyond my comprehension.
    7. Movies I won’t see. NEXT.
    8. I thought Heath Ledger was cremated but the Google tells me he was buried in Australia next to his grandparents. I had a whole Reanimated Ash Heath scenario worked out, but it hardly seems appropriate now.
    9. I look forward to watching the Republicans and Tea Partiers fall flat on their faces when their rhetoric doesn’t translate into actual working policy. Of course they’ll blame our Muslim(not) Kenyan(not) president for the failure.
    10. I hope this is not a euphemism.

  3. Amy D said

    Waking up to construction or phone calls sucks. As does going through your morning routine listening to your dumb ass neighbor get high while playing grand theft auto and listening to old Dr. Dre at maximum volume. Did I mention this was about 7:30 am. I can’t wait until he is off house arrest.

    Pets are fun. I have a cat that is terrorized by our bunny, hours of entertainment.

  4. 1- too deep for me today

    2- my dogs are dogs. they eat my horses poop and roll in the grass and lick themselves between their legs. (I’m not judging them for that…ok I am, but in a kinda bitter I would do it too if I could way) they have different personalities but…they’re mainly just dogs.

    3-5: I’m with Tiff. sports. meh.

    6- I rarely like lady gaga’s songs. If I do like them it is for about five minutes until they are horribly overplayed and I want to stab someone everytime they come on. the only song that she wrote that I still consistently enjoy is poker face, and there was a time about a year ago when I would have stabbed someone had I heard it again. bad romance wasn’t bad either but again, if I hear it one more time it’s gonna get stabby up in here.

    7- I rarely agree with your taste in movies so…we shall see. I think in your most recent predictions of movies that would suck you included the green hornet, which was one of the best movies I had seen in a very long time. in fact I even decided that if a person didn’t like that movie I could never be friends with them because they are assholes.

    8- I am one of the non existent people who never saw the dark knight and never gave a flying fig about heath ledger. I’m sorry that he died young but the truth is we’re all gonna die eventually so I’m not that sorry for him. if it was more like, only people who have really really shit luck die, then I would have felt worse. but it’s only just a matter of time till we join him so in the meantime I’m not gonna lose any sleep over it.

    9- I fucking hate politics- not because of politics but because of campaigning. I don’t even watch tv yet even the radio ads enrage me. also I am a libertarian so no candidate ever will ever make me happy. however I put very little stock in the president anyway as he is only one man and only one third of our governmental system. and unless there is a turnover again and dems control the house and senate it’s gonna be gridlock anyway. OR if republicans somehow took all three which I doubt will happen but lets say it does…well then I feel really bad for the gays and myself because it’ll be another four years before pot can be legalized….le sigh.

    10- confession- the post was tl;dr. Instead I read the common taters input and added my own- talking about myself and my opinions will always be more interesting to me than listening to yours, especially since i tend to disagree…however I can’t feel too selfish about that since you started the all-about-me ball rolling

  5. 1. I do believe there are some genuinely bad people. They’re called psychopaths. And Miley Cyrus. HEYOOO! No, but really. Hitler? It’s not like he was just cranky one day after being disturbed by construction from too little sleep and decided to wipe out millions instead of write a blog post. But 1 out of 100 seems like a lot. I spend most of my time around more than 100+ people at a time, so with that logic I think I’d have been killed or at least maimed like 37 times by now.
    2. I have a Brittany Spaniel named Toby that I sometimes call Tobias. The Tobias’s (Tobiasi?) I’ve encountered in my life have been closeted gay Never Nude Analrapist’s, or drunken German cheesecake salesmen in Scotland. I hope my dog is neither of those things. Leah said she thinks he’s that one cool middle school teacher that “get’s it”. I could see that. I could also see him as a Heaven’s Gate cult member because he’s a super friendly follower who doesn’t have balls. None of these options are all that favorable.
    3. Baseball… bleh.
    4. I want a sequel to Twins. Maybe they find a long lost triplet? Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny Devito, and Sofia Vergara.
    5. Basketball… bleh.
    6. I have faith in Gaga. I’m not crazy about the new single, but my favorite songs from her previous albums weren’t the first single, or a single at all. She should have released Teeth instead of Alejandro, and I know these things because I have many years as a successful music industry insider, and am not just some lowly nerd who works on shitty websites. Regardless, I’ll get the album immediately.
    7. WHY ARE ALL THE MOVIES THE SUCK LATELY? I haven’t seen a movie I’ve thoroughly enjoyed in the theater in…when was Black Swan out? December? two months. TWO MONTHS GRAAAHHH.
    8. Would Zombie Heath only star in Christopher Nolan movies? I don’t want to see an undead sequel to A Knight’s Tale.
    9. Bring on the shitshow. It’s going to get ugly.
    10. I’m more jealous of this than I would have ever thought I could be.

  6. cledbo said

    American politics is hilarious. I’m guessing it’s less funny from where you guys all sit, thought, what with you all being in splatter distance of the shit and all.

    They’re having the multiculturalism vs assimilation debate in our media again. And all I can think whenever the anti-multiculturalists start talking is “Resistance is futile” and then I’m flying the Defiant blowing their quasi-racists asses to kingdom come. And realising what a total nerd I am. Star Trek!

    I have little else to say except I wish Heath wasn’t dead too, all those movies will definitely suck harder than a $500 prostitute, and I’m working from home. IT RULES. See you all next week, I’m off on a 9 hour drive to Melbourne.
    Peace. And doggies.

  7. Just remember though that, as a woman, failure to pick out that one bad guy in your scene can be disasterous. Statistics can be misleading. It could be that none of the strangers around you are bad… or it could be that you’ve fallen into a whole nest of them unknowingly. “Birds of a feather”… and all that. The crisis usually comes, of course, when you’re out of the crowds’ sight; however briefly.

    • tiffanized said

      And just remember, as a man, not hurting women is your responsibility. Statistics can be misleading–most women are hurt by men they know, sometimes trust, and often love. It could be that the rates of violence against women are all our fault…or it could be that as a society we are failing to put the responsibility on men not to hurt, rape, humiliate, manipulate or otherwise abuse women. This crisis comes, of course, in full view of the world, through media, rape jokes, body shaming, and Internet trolls; not briefly, but incessantly.

      • PWG said

        Wait, did you guys both just finish the Stieg Larsson books? Because after I finished the trilogy I thought about concealing a Taser in my vagina when I leave the house.

    • Dear Tiffanized: That’s part of my point. It is a man’s ultimate responsibility to protect women and children from harm and degradation. In fact, that’s basically what we’re for! God knows, I’ve made this point often enough. There are three kinds of people in this world; the prey, the predators and the protectors. For most of my adult life, I wore a uniform. That made me a professional protector. Although retired now, I still do what I can. One is advising potential prey as to how to avoid becoming one in reality.

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