Happy President’s Day And Have Fun In All Your President’s Day Activities!

February 21, 2011

Well, this post kind of got away from me.

I was originally going to talk about my twitter.

I was planning on taking a moment and sift through some of my more recent twit twits and in doing so talk more about those subjects without the 140 character limit.

For instance:

My childhood is better than your childhood; Scottie Pippen rejects Justin Bieber – http://bit.ly/dRvoPe

Here is Scottie Pippen, of the 6x NBA Champion Chicago Bulls and hetero life mate of Michael Jordan, rejecting Justin Bieber, garden gnome from Canada that sings like a boy with his nuts in a vice grip, in the celebrity All-Star basketball game that took place yesterday in the middle of the day.

This first round of the NBA dunk contest just broke the Matrix.

Let me start by saying…

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FFUUUUUFFFFFUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!

TTTTTTHHHHHAAAAAATTTTTTT IIIISSSSS IIIIMMMPPPPOOOSSSSSIIIIBBBBBLLLEEE

ASDFJ!($%!J%#@)RFDASJGANMGKQJWERTOQKR!)K!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111

Who wants in on my class action lawsuit against State Farm car insurance for not providing the black magic wishes they advertise?

Seriously? Am I the only one who thinks these State Farm car insurance commercials are getting WWWWWAAAAAAYYYYYY out of control? What the hell is State Farm car insurance really offering? I don’t hear even a mention about rates or options or anything. What I do hear a lot about is their ability to magically teleport any and all wishes I can think up if I just acapella their commercial jingle. Everything from producing out of thin air a hot tub to old ass game show host and remarkably tan Bob Barker and to shape shifting human beings into new bodies – all of that apparently can be done. So, either I get to start teleporting people or we should sue them back to kingdom come.

I find these commercials more offensive than Geico because I believe the Geico people are having a competition amongst their own ranks to make the craziest 30 second commercials for any product ever to appease and entertain some chimpanzee who was wrongly appointed to be the CEO of Geico like how Caligula appointed a horse to be consul.

“I Am Number Four”? More like “I Am Number Bore…d”! #whendoigettomakeabadhollywoodmovie

If you would like a full review of I Am Number Four, I could arrange that. I will start said review with three simple words: it, was, and terrible. You can take that one step forward and figure out the possible answer to this riddle and arrange the three words how you think I might. I will give you a hint – the answer is not “was it terrible?” Nevertheless, it was very funny in the completely unintentional way.

http://yhoo.it/gCGFbY – For Christ’s sake, we’re digging up the Pope?! #literally

That may be my favorite tweet. I also twittered it recently, so there is love in my heart because I remember the moment well when I wrote it, but I still love it love it love it. I’m just thinking that regardless of the reason, if you respect a person’s corpse then digging them up is always disrespectful. If you don’t give a flying fuck about their corpse then you might as well not bury them in the first place or if you dig them up then you just pull them out of the casket as well, stuff the cadaver with candy and let all those cigarette smoking Italian children beat the body with wiffle ball bats until they get all the candy they can jam into their leisure life having mouths.
Why didn’t we just stick the Pope in a freezer? Was this beatification completely unforeseen?
If someone teases you for being a virgin, just remember so was Jesus… and look what they did to him! So get laid already.
I just like this one. Or you can wait until marriage. I don’t care. I try not to think about people and their private parts all the time because then I would never eat anything prepared for me by a man knowing they’re scratching their nuts on at least every half hour and as for women’s privates I try not to walk around at half mast poking through my pants because it gets uncomfortable and awkward. Who am I kidding? I’m picturing strangers doing it all the damn day. It is a veritable orgy in my head whenever 3 or more people are in any given sight line.
Hey, people at the bus stop! I’m picturing you nailing each other with penises and vaginers!
My bucket list looks awfully like the plot of “Krull”. Kill all-powerful monster, befriend a cyclops, sex a princess, master the Glave.
Have you all seen Krull? If not then I can’t think of anything better to do on this President’s day than to watch Krull. Also, for those that have seen Krull — it is pretty much Star Wars, right? I thought that was pretty well documented by my eyes and brain whenever I have watched Krull, but the other day I was on IMDB looking up stuff about Krull and saw people debating that point. It still seemed like most agreed that is a rip-off, but others were fighting tooth and nail that it wasn’t. I think those people are what I call idiots, but I just wanted to throw that out there.
I hope Ken Jennings snaps and stabs Watson to death with a sharpened iPhone during Final Jeopardy.
This is when I started thinking about Krull. I was watching the Jeopardy with Watson and I was picturing all the ways Ken Jennings could kill Watson using Apple products. I mentioned the iPhone shiv one in the twat. But I also imagined Ken sharpening the sides of an iPad to a fine point and then wielding it like the Glave with his telekinetic powers and chopping Watson in half with one beautiful arcing strike by the iPad/Glave. Oh what a wonderful image that would be.
Can I mention for my completely humanist stand point that I would tend to believe Ken Jennings knew the answers to pretty much all those Jeopardy questions and at the same time I don’t think many would say that Ken is the smartest man on Earth. At the same time, Ken Jennings’ brain/head is smaller than an NFL football, meanwhile Watson’s brain is an entire room filled with basically 10 refrigerators of servers and wiring to beat good ole’ Ken and that other dude who I didn’t know.
………….
…………
Well, I wanted to go over the twitter thing, but clearly I didn’t have the time as we see above.
I also wanted to talk about today being President’s Day. It is PRESIDENT …  ‘S … Day. And not Presidents’ Day. Today is the day we celebrate the birthday of our (yes! our!) first President George Washington.
That’s a bad ass painting. Washington wants IT. I would kill for a painting of myself like this.
Although, today is not George’s birthday. Tomorrow is his birthday. It just is that way folks. I don’t get it myself.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about George as a wrestler and the the other Presidents who wrestled: Arthur, Coolidge, Eisenhower, Garfield, Grant, Jackson, Lincoln, Pearce, Teddy Roosevelt, Taft, and Taylor. The problem is that the website that I first read about their wrestling anecdotes is somewhere in the mist of the interwebs. I can’t find it. And instead of doing a half ass job of it, I decided to do a quarter ass job and mention that this ish used to exist, I can’t find it and this is all I could find, which is no where near as good –
http://varinawrestling.net/PresidentsWhoDidIt.htm
Whatever… there was a story about Lincoln wrestling robbers off a train. That was great, but…
BUT BUT BUT…
I did see this article on Yahoo today and I thought it was quite the interesting read…
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110221/ap_on_re_us/us_the_blackest_name
The article is about how “Washington” is the surname for 160,000+ people in the US according to the last census and of those people 90% were black. What does that mean?
The article puts forth some theories and also asks people about growing up with the name Washington as well as talks about Washington’s own storied history as a slave owner.
It is a long article, but I thought it was really great.
Anyway… It is Monday…
And SHE wants IT. … with about as much boobs as they can give her.
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15 Responses to “Happy President’s Day And Have Fun In All Your President’s Day Activities!”

  1. kt said

    Those gifs don’t work very well on my phone. Sad. Also my phone autocorrects gifs to hits. I’m getting really sick of autocorrect. I had other stuff to say but I forgot what they were because I’m sitting at a potential new job and its hot as balls in here and I’m sweating and uncomfortable and tired and I would really like to be at home in bed reading some fanfic or watching the last season of Six Feet Under. Michael C Hall plays a very convincing gay man.

  2. hmmm. I woke up like a half hour ago and it is still too early in my day for me to pretend like I care about sports. also the gifs were slowing down my scrolling so I just skipped to the bottom. I like the picture of kristen. also just a funfact for your monday- the color horse in the painting of George is rare. very rare. basically what happens with that color horse is when it is born it would be a dark dappled grey, and then as it ages it gets more and more white and less and less grey, however the mane, tail, and lower legs typically remain darker than the rest of the body. despite that, it is very unusual for the mane tail and legs to remain *that* dark when the majority of the coat has become white.

    OR, it could be a very very lightcolored buckskin.

    actually after pondering these options it’s probably the later.

    fascinating stuff.

  3. Why didn’t we just stick the Pope in the freezer? Because the Pope-sicle jokes would have been unending.

    Watson on Jeopardy was pretty entertaining… it was decent TV. But I’m only moderately impressed. I mean, he doesn’t have thumbs, so it makes me question if maybe he had a speed advantage when buzzing in for the answers…? Also, why is science spending all of it’s time and money on making a computer to play a game once when it could be figuring out a way to let me nap while my car drives me places? Or inventing the teleportation State Farm falsely promises?

  4. PWG said

    I’ll just hang out down here in the comment section while those many gifs load.

    What kind of magical computer do you have where that shit works? I’m working with a Core 2 Duo P8600 2.4GHz processor and 3GB of RAM here, on a 20Mbps download speed cable modem with a G-band wireless router. Not a gaming machine, but functional for most purposes. Those gifs hurt its brain. I’ll wander away and come back.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I run on one of the computers that looks like a thin book, but it’s not a thin book, silly. It is a computer! It’s silver too with an apple with a bite taken out of it on the cover of it. I connect to the world wide web with the magical wireless waves of another electronic device. Specifically, I click on this little cute red and orange fox who is hugging a blue ball to “surf” (technical term, sp?) that web I was talking about before.

      It takes like two seconds for those moving pictures to load. They feature 4 black men dunking basketballs in ways that make my brain hurt and the rest of my body excited.

      • PWG said

        Spoiled. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the Windows 95 computer my mother uses and 10 being the WOPR box from War Games, my laptop is a solid 4.

    • my computer doesn’t like them either. they load, kinda, but they move at the speed of molasses in the winter and I can’t scroll past them.

  5. PWG said

    The Maryland Department of Corrections asked a guy for his Facebook password during a job interview:
    The Atlantic

    What do you think my chances are of getting a job if I list KSWI as one of my web site references? Should I pretend to be another commenter? Which of the many commenters’ identities gives me the best chance of passing the background check? I’m thinking Freya.

  6. PWG said

    That’s a really cute picture of Kristen Stewart. Kind of Liz Taylor-ish.

  7. Coolidge, Calvin
    30th President
    One of the smallest presidents and was rated as “tolerable good.”

    Tolerable good? Ooof. First of all, that’s barely even English. Secondly, what was he “tolerable good” at — wrestling or being a midget President? All of the above? Was “tolerable good” the “needs improvement” or “development needed” of the 1920’s?

    I Am Number 4 was tolerable good. [lies]
    Your cooking is tolerable good.
    She’s a tolerable good lay.

  8. PWG said

    I’ve had a soft spot in my heart for John Quincy Adams ever since I saw Amistad. Fun fact: “He took the oath of office on a book of laws, instead of the more traditional Bible, to preserve the separation of church and state.”

  9. […] Happy President’s Day And Have Fun In All Your President’s Day …Feb 21, 2011 … This first round of the NBA dunk contest just broke the Matrix. … Who wants in on my class action lawsuit against State Farm car insurance … […]

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