The Bitches Love Me In Boston and Iceland

February 24, 2011

Well, maybe not so much anymore. But like two seconds earlier they did.

People in Boston speak a form of English. They certainly read and write in English. What comes out of their mouth is more or less English like famed poet E. E. Cummings. I mean what he wrote was certainly in English more so than it was in French or Esperanto or any other language, but it wasn’t really English. It was pretty much what Jodie Foster spoke in Nell and then Babelfish translated messily into English. And with a look up on the old Wikipedia, E.E. Cummings is Edward Estlin Cummings of Cambridge, Massachusetts. ?! COINCIDENCE?! Not at all. It is really a by product from growing up in an unspellable state.

Nevertheless, the Bostonians can read English. What about the Icelandicks or should I say Icelandvags? They’re European and from any all this leftist media I inundate myself with I’ve learned they speak all languages, are in better physical shape, are prettier, are nicer, and they survive on a strict diet of cuteness and well-oiled democracy. Yay!

What am I talking about?

What am I talking about?

…. oh right!

OK CUPID!

Always Free? Until the day it isn’t.

Apparently, Ok Cupid has given up on the traditional definition of Cupid with the arrows and wings and fat baby-ness and has reinvented themselves as amateur chemists with beakers of concoctions that have tiny red heart gas emitting from them.

As with many (read: all) subscriptions to websites or email newsletters, I have lazily kept an Ok Cupid profile. I still receive Nordstrom emails on the reg from a present I bought 3 years ago. My trash bin is filled with Macy’s discounts from a wedding gift from that same year. I delete every 12 hours an email from 1-800-Flowers, screenplay websites I haven’t submitted anything to in several years, a newsletter about ink cartridge coupons from a store in a city I don’t currently hold residence in, and so on and so on. It is simply just a click of “delete” and without a thought move on to the next email.

Rarely these emails ever come in handy, but sometimes on the off chance they do. I bought a book from Amazon that was suggested to me as well as 1,000,000 other products from 1,000,000 other emails from them, but I was happy with that one book, so who knows maybe they’ll pull that miracle off again. Here lies the Ok Cupidicity of this story.

Last week, I was checking my email and saw another Ok Cupid email and right before I was about to click delete and move on I saw the subject title as such:

“World Map of Your Matches”

Firstly, I’m a sucker for maps. I’m not a cartographer nor taken any map specific classes, but I have caught myself staring at Google maps and/or Google Earth for hours. Also, I enjoy any and all stories that involve a map in them that helps illustrate the story. Maps get my attention. Maps and bikinis. Maps, bikinis and anything to do with samurais. Maps, bikinis, samurais, and professional wrestling living legend The Undertaker. Maps, bikinis, samurais, The Undertaker and comedian Dave Chappelle. Basically, I would like a map of where there are bikini girls for me, some samurais, and Taker can go to meet these ladies and take them to a Dave Chappelle comedy show – that would be excellent.

Maps? Right!

Ahoy! Ahoy? The OkCupid Interns are in fact Somali Pirates!!!! AHHHHH!!!! Thank Jesus Christ I’m not sailing in known pirate infested waters or those OkCupid Interns would get me. Too soon, probably. Anyway, this is the header of the email and it is about time for a “geography party”.

I don’t know why, but if you read that paragraph that the pirate Interns wrote and then take a second to read it again then you will now be singing it in your head.

We… Weeee… We just finished programmming… this experimental toy!.. It… It generates heat maps… heat maps… the heat maps of where your best female matches are… ALL AROUND THE WORLD… we’re saying all around the world!.. sing it with us… all around the world .. and the U-S-A AAAAYYYYY! … Here! Here are your results… those sexy results… All for you! All for you! They’re all for you now! They’re all for you now babe! All for you! … Calculated. Cal-cu-late-ted! Cal-culated from your match answers… from your match answers! In graphical form… ENJOY! … Just Enjoy! Enjoy! Enjoy these sexy as results in map form! Just sexy ass results… just some sexy as heat maps all over your face… from ALL AROUND THE WORLD and the U-S-A!!!

And so on and they’ll sing it on American Idol next season.

BOOM!

Wow… not too surprising I suppose. Red states don’t like me and Blue states are about me. Seems pretty understandable. I find it funny that the three states I have held multi year residence in are not in the top 5: NJ, PA and MD. Vermont is a little surprising since I don’t like to ski or snowboard, but I do like lefty liberal shit like gays getting their dongs off getting married and people getting so stoned they can’t see any farther in front of their face than the bag of Doritos they’re munching on. And Vermont seems like a state of coffee drinkers and I love coffee.

I guess I can never go see Mount Rushmore is what I’m getting from the “worst states”. I have spent very little time in the Mid-West of this country and apparently those people have noticed, taken offense and never want to see me. Jeez, an average of 42% of people in both Dakotas don’t want anything to do with me. Hey, dickholes. Your 16 year olds are getting preggers and you’re not a fan of me? Get your shit together before you start worrying about 6’3″ red beards are doing, ok?

Look at Alaska. They’re on the verge of really not liking me either. Fuck you, Eskimos. Go suck on a seal. I’m doing pretty well in New Mexico. These Hispanics have a thing for me, but right next door they don’t give a flying fuck about me. Arizona isn’t blue in the dislike section, but they’re complete neutrality on me is even more disrespectful. Make a decision on me already. Hawaii is looking decent for me… I think it is because they know about my bikini map that Taker and I and the samurais are drawing up.

What about the rest of the world?

Just wow… I mean look at it. It’s really quite something. No one in Europe is against me. They either are digging what I’m putting down by writing a Kristen Stewart wants IT blog and writing about MMA and loving videogames and talking about a sport called FOOTBALL they don’t even participate in and my pale white ass skin. They are either can’t get enough of it or they are thoroughly *shrugs* about it. Love me or be unoffended by me. I like it.

Africa is 100% undecided on me. Take me or leave me. Same with the Middle East, which may even be more surprising. An entire continent of people is completely neutral on me and the most riotously violent patch of desert oil soaked land is as neutral as well. He seems like a good enough guy, but I’m not entirely sold on him either. It’s ok.

South America is like the line draw down the middle between the Portuguese and the Spanish. It is crazy. Western South America couldn’t care less about me, but Eastern South American wants me to take motorcycle tour of it with each one of them riding in my side car at some point. Actually, the more I look at it. It is really just Argentina and Brazil. The rest of the continent doesn’t need to see me.

Let’s go to the numbers… Place your bets ladies on which country loves me the most…

FUCKING ICELAND!!!!

That should have been expected with the whole Iceland bit in the beginning, but BOOM! Iceland loves this dude right here who is typing this stuff you are reading. They are all about me. 72.1% Wow! I could start throwing stones in every direction in Iceland and hit a girl that likes me. Of course, she probably wouldn’t like me after I hit her with a stone. Probably. Anyway, that is surprising. Iceland! Man, I need to go to Iceland and visit my people. I’ve always wanted to go to Iceland because supposedly ratio wise they have more bars than any other country to the amount of people that are there and that is a good ass ratio. Also, Iceland is supposed to be a beautiful country. Anyway, these people basically worship me as a God already, so I kind of have to go at this point.

Spain! Who would’ve guessed? I think this is the most shocking of the top 5. I just would have never guessed Spain. I love it though. I like Antonio Banderas. I like Pedro Almodovar. I like Spain. I took Spanish for 7 years. Me gusta Espana! La biblioteca! Me gusta Espana y todas sus bibliotecas! SPAIN!

Serbia is a shock. I again wouldn’t have guessed Serbia in particular. I could see some former Soviet Union countries liking me. Israel isn’t a shock because we’re all Jews, plus I rule. South Korea? Love it. I knew there had to be at least one Asian country that was all about me. I was guessing Japan because that is the stereotypical guess, but I’ll take South Korea. I like Koreans. I love Park Chan Wook and Kang Ho Song! I love your anime come to life women. I could see this South Korean thing working out. But ICELAND! BOOM! They want this!

Meanwhile… on the SUB continent…

They fucking hate me.

Ugh.

There is no way else to say it. They HATE ME!

HATE HATE HATE!

Fuck. Look at Indonesia. LOOK AT IT! It is so blue! Such a vibrant blue of HATE! Fuck they hate me so much more than the Dakotas. Jesus they hate me. In comparison I’m the Hugh Hefner of South and North Dakota. It is nuts. 41.8%? Christ! What did I ever do to those people? 41.8? Way less than half of those people don’t like me. It’s so depressing.

And it’s that whole area of islands. Philippines, Malaysia, Singapore. If you’re on an island in the South Pacific and not named or apart of Australia then you hate me. What a buzzkill. I was loving the rest of this. I’m cool with having to prove myself to Africa. I feel like that makes sense. It’s not that they don’t like me; they’re just undecided on me. But 41.8%?! FUH-HUCK! I can never go to Indonesia? Well then fuck them. Fuck their short asses. Fuck them. Stupid Indonesians. And the Philippines? Guess what? Fuck Manny Pacquiao. I said it. Fuck him. Fuck his steroid HGH using ass. The dude was just over a 100 pounds when he started boxing and now he is 140 and killing dudes. Oh right that makes sense. That makes sense that his little ass couldn’t knock out Marquez, but he can knock out guys who at least 10 more pounds than Marquez. Fuck you Manny. You’re ducking Floyd Mayweather fighting dudes who are two month away from Parkinson’s and you’re a dick because your people don’t like me. Screw you people.

….

..

.

PLEASE LOVE ME INDONESIA! I CAN CHANGE! WHAT IS IT I NEED TO DO?!!!!

Eh, whatever.

As for India. There are 1.5 BILLION people there. I’m liked by 54.8% of the country. That is over 800 million Indian people from India who like me. Yeah, that’s enough. It would be nice to have the other 700 million to be in on it too, but that’s just fucking greedy. 800 million people is enough for me. I can settle with 800 million of one sub set of people liking my sarcastic white ass.

ICELAND!

So… discuss.

Questions?

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30 Responses to “The Bitches Love Me In Boston and Iceland”

  1. tiffanized said

    Well isn’t this some timely shit. I want to reactivate my OkCupid account but I’m not sure if my boyfriend and I are broken up. I thought we were, then he contacted me like crazy one day and I thought maybe we weren’t. Then no contact, and he deleted everything I ever wrote on his Facebook wall. But conspicuously present is our relationship status which says we are together, and we are inexplicably still playing a chatless match of Words With Friends. So are we broken up? I have no fucking idea. It’s been long enough that I feel awkward in asking, sort of like asking someone their name after you’ve slept with them twice. My theory is that we ARE broken up but he knows if he changes the Facebook relationship status that “Tiffany is single” will show up in the news feed of every single penis haver and pseudo lesbian sisterwife I know. So I need advice: are we broken up? Should I reinstate the dating profile? Who the hell breaks up with me?

    Also welcome are kind words and offers of pseudo lesbian love affairs. I’m pretty sad panda.

    P.S. Sorry for turning this into my own personal advice column J-Dog. I’m going to wink at you on OkCupid as soon as my profile is live again.

    • PWG said

      I find Pandas with Gatling Guns to be a better avatar for the lovelorn than the Sad Panda. Sad Panda is like listening to ballads and watching The Notebook or something. I’ve never seen The Notebook, I’m just saying. It’s good for the first 48 hours post-breakup only. Maybe a whole week when you’re not actually sure if you’re broken up. But after that, Sad Panda’s like an anchor around your neck dragging you down. Gatling Panda is good for the next 3 months. Gatling Panda is “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, I can’t wait to run into you with your next girlfriend because you’re going to instantly realize what a step down you’ve taken.” I think maybe Grammar Panda is the next stage, but I wouldn’t really know. I never leave the Gatling Panda stage.

      • PWG said

        I’m not thrilled with how Amazon keeps changing HTML code on me so their little Buy Me icon shows up. Apologies, I’m not getting paid to put their links here or anything.

      • tiffanized said

        I’m proud to say I’ve not watched The Notebook, but instead Hedwig & the Angry Inch. Also listening to disco, not ballads, though one could argue that’s a lateral move.

        I’d post the Gat Panda as my profile pic but I’m concerned it may be taken as a subtle threat.

    • PWG said

      Try spelling loaded words in Words With Friends and see if you get a response. I don’t think you have enough tiles to spell out “passive-aggressive” though, plus the lack of hyphens could be limiting. But since we’re 10 days past Valentine’s Day I would say take lack of contact on that day as a relationship threat level color code orange.

      Also, I’m very sorry and am thinking big hug thoughts at you. I’m happy to see you here, but I’ll try not to be too happy on our behalf that you have time to be here right now. You know what I mean.

      • tiffanized said

        Oh no, things were going swimmingly on Valentine’s Day. It went to shit shortly after that.

        I’d just end the game of WWF but I’m winning, dammit.

    • hmmm.. I shall answer your questions in order.

      Are we broken up? no. it aint over till the fat lady sings. drag that shit out. be as dramatic as possible. throw glass kitchenware at his head and watch in wonderment at the china fireworks as they explode on the walls and floor.

      For realz though… to me it sounds like more of a “break” and less of a breakup. grandted I don;t know the full story, but unless the words “it’s over” or something similiar have been spoken by one of you, then you’re not broken up. IMO anyways..

      Should I reinstate the dating profile? sure. why not. I don’t necesarily think you even need to be single to have a dating profile, however if you are happy with who you’re with then why bother with one? however clearly there is trouble in paradise and there’s nothing wrong with being prepared. Dating is like tactical warfare- you are just prepping for battle- doesn’t mean there’s gonna be a war. example: breaking dawn- all the planning could be for nothing. I will keep my fingers crossed that this is the case. (Unless you feel the opposite in which case, happy hunting)

      Who the hell breaks up with me? A fucking moron, that’s who. lots of kisses and gropes from FL. if it makes you feel better we can be single and read to mingle together.

      oh and I wouldn’t end the wwf game.

      • tiffanized said

        Thank you. I’d throw shit but I only have one good red wine glass left as it is.

        I’m reinstating the dating site. I’m going to take a bath, get liquored up and enlist my kids to take trashy pictures of me for my profile.

    • I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’m sorry he’s being a turd. This sort of shit sucks enough as it is, let’s at least wear our big boy pants and act like adults about it.

      I’d say reactivate the dating profile. Can’t hurt, really. I’m pretty bad at relationshippy things though, so I doubt I’ll have any good advice for you. But there is a decent quality bottle of tequila on top of my fridge with your name on it if need be (p.s. your new name is “Patron”).

  2. PWG said

    I did notice that your map says “Best FEMALE matches by state. And country.” I would like to see the other two maps you got, please.

    I want an OK Cupid account now, strictly for the purposes of getting my own maps. I think my best female matches would be in New Jersey, Florida, Texas, New Mexico, Colorado and Australia. Pretty sure Kansas wants me dead. I expect my best male matches to be dark green around Federal prisons.

    • tiffanized said

      You can get an account even if you’re just looking for friends. Of course the “just friends” option is going to make you less popular with the prison contingent (who love me too, by the way. Must be the vagina).

    • PWG said

      I just realized I left your state off my female matches. I’m bad at this commiseration stuff, let’s just drink and I won’t talk anymore.

    • I read this incorrectly at first: “I would like to see the other two maps you got”.

      I forgot there were separate maps for a minute there, and thought you were suggesting there were three genders. Like maybe OK Cupid sent out your “Best Transvestite” or “Best Hermaphrodite” matches, too.

  3. PWG said

    I’m sorry about Indonesia and the Philippines. The Filipinos love me on Twitter, I can ask them for you. I’m going to need a Tagalog translator.

  4. kt said

    I had an OKCupid profile years ago, but then some guy I went to high school that I hated kept looking at my profile like every day and it creeped me out so I cancelled it. However, I really want a map of the world telling me where people like me. It would be helpful for future travel planning.

    • cledbo said

      I can tell you without the assistance of OKCupid that enough people in Australia like you already to make it worth the trip.

      And yes I have tickets on myself, who wants to buy one?

  5. PWG said

    9/18/2009 is when our own KSWI map debuted. I’d like to see an updated one of those.

    • kt said

      YES! I was trying to look through the archives to see when that was, but I couldn’t find it. 😦

      • PWG said

        Sadly, that link doesn’t work anymore. I think it needs to be updated, it only runs for a month or something. That can be my Friday question 🙂

  6. Honestly, I don’t understand the point of dating profiles because there is this even better website out there…it is called facebook. within facebook is a function called facebook chat, and I’m pretty sure it’s sole purpose is for people to message people in search of sex. at least this is what it’s function has been to me. I had to disable it because you can only get so many “hey wazup ur hawt wanna hook^?” messages before stabbing a stranger starts looking like a reasonable thing to do. I am slightly ashamed to admit that I have hooked up with someone who I met via facebook chat, however in my defense he was fucking hot and played hockey for my school.

    anyways, I don’t have a dating profile, but I suggested to my roomate that she make one on plenty of fish when her and her bf were broken up for a week, and she ended up going on five dates in five days and having sex with five dudes. so…statistically speaking the success rates of dating websites seem to be pretty high, assuming that by dating you really mean fucking. which makes me curious about the international matches…those don’t seem conducive to a quick hookup. or even a real life meeting. ever.

    cheers! midterms tonight, wish me luck yall

  7. Forgetful Lucy said

    Yes, let’s discuss okcupid.

    What the hell does it mean if you message someone with a “hey what’s going on…” and they reply with an answer to your question but not really inquiring about you in return? To which you follow-up with more small talk and get a reply with more of the same.

    Really man? I messaged you cuz I’m INTERESTED. So are you nice guy who replies to everyone? Keeping your options open to see which chick offers sex the quickest? What gives? While I appreciate the reply, you’re wasting my time if you’re not interested. Which really kinda sucks, because if I do message someone and I don’t get a reply, then I feel sad panda cuz they don’t want to talk to me. BUT, I feel no remorse deleting the weirdos who DO want to talk to me… sorta.

    How do we phrase a reply message to someone that implies “thanks for the interest, but you’re ugly/creepy/old, don’t message me again, have a nice day”??

  8. Forgetful Lucy said

    Oh! I almost forgot I have more questions:

    Would you pay money to sit on top of a LIVE crocodile in a petting zoo environment?

    If a straight guy is going on vacation to South East Asia, are hookers a standard tourist activity?

  9. Your dazzlingly white skin and mismatched red beard make you exotic somewhere, which is why I will assume Spain is so enamored with you. Are you going to get updated versions of these maps regularly? I’d just keep an eye on Germany, make sure it doesn’t start to fade too far into the blue…

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      And if that is the case then I’ll have those pesky pirate interns to thank for their help furthering the journey of the chosen people because we’ll get the drop on those Germans.

  10. Friday question (that you can feel free to ignore since there are better ones here): Do you think this man deserves to be fired (forced to resign, same difference)?

    If you can’t dress up like an animal and send goofy pictures to your friends, then I definitely can never run for office. Incriminating Panda.

    • tiffanized said

      I know that question was for Jordan, but I feel compelled to say that of the three photos they posted of Mr. Wu, “Tiger Suit” would most effectively convince me to vote for the man.

    • PWG said

      How could you fire him for picture number 1 when he looks so contrite by picture number 3? I support keeping him in office if only because he probably freaks the shit out of all the other congresspeople.

  11. tiffanized said

    Apparently protesters in Tunisia are using dating profiles to communicate demonstration locations and times. Relevant? Yes. Requiring a whole nother comment? Probably not.

  12. FMNB said

    I’m a quarter flip. I’ll talk to my people and see if I can convince them your whiteness mixed with your tallness is not so devilish. It might be hard given the red hair too….And now the manny bashing…..yeah, you should just avoid the south pacific.

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