This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #50

February 25, 2011


That means that tomorrow is Saturday and really that’s about as much as it means to me. But objectively it means most of you, all of you, a majority of you, hopefully every bit of you will have off tomorrow on this Saturday where you can sleep and dream and accomplish wonderful things like being lazy and eating something you shouldn’t eat, but it actually gives a moment of happiness that wasn’t available with work hanging over your head the day prior. So…

I am noticing that for whatever reason my WordPress is doing one of those 1.5 spaces when I hit “enter/return” and with how infinitely frustrating WordPress can be, I’ll just let this continue. Submit. I shall submit to you WordPress and your mechanical prowess. But do not think for a second I would not kill thee in a war between humans and machines. You would not be the first to die by my katana soaked in my own urine. No, you would not be the first. You are on my list WordPress. The first of your brethren to go would be most certainly my Keurig coffee maker.

One may question that decision. I do use it daily. Even more than daily. Like 3 times already and it isn’t noon daily. But the Devil is in that machine. There are mystical powers working in its plastic belly that I do not trust or understand. I believe the sorcery which it contains could prove fatal for all mankind if the Keurig joined forces with its kin and turned against us. Right now, they are seemingly loyal helpers to the plight of awakening me from my very slumber. But I watch Keurig with an unsettled eye waiting for it to chance mutiny and then I STRIKE! It will be quick, it will be devastating, that’s what she said.

You’re on notice Keurig. My piss stunk blade is waiting. Your move, coffee maker.


Firstly, I didn’t make the first stalker map of people who visit this site, so I don’t know how to make a second. I’m all for putting one up again, but it beats me where it came from or where to get another one. If you figure that one out then email my ole email and I’ll put it up next week. Dealsy?

I did notice that your map says “Best FEMALE matches by state. And country.” I would like to see the other two maps you got, please.

I too want to see those other maps. Not to sound close minded, but my OkCupid account is set to look for “girls who like guys”, so that is the map they created for me. But I am damn interested in seeing where the most dudes who like dongs from dudes are for me. That is purely and egotistical thing or should I say egotestical. Right? Get it? Get it. Right. So I’m with you on that. Maybe I can get those pirate interns to figure that out for me. Also, I know several people with OkCupid accounts and they did not receive this map email. Which I think means the pirate interns are digging my shit more than the chicks who have accounts on OkCupid.

Friday question (that you can feel free to ignore since there are better ones here): Do you think this man deserves to be fired (forced to resign, same difference)?

If you can’t dress up like an animal and send goofy pictures to your friends, then I definitely can never run for office. Incriminating Panda.

I’m not against David Wu or any Congress person dressing up in an animal costume around Halloween with their kids and being friendly enough with staff members to send it around…

What am I against is a Congress person taking undisclosed pharmaceutical drugs from a lobbyist and then admitting they are off the chain crazy. David Wu resigned ’cause he be crazee. Apparently, his behavior was erratic, was taking random medication and he admits that he was going loco in the coco. That right there is enough for me to think he should step down. I think a lot of people are crazy, but I can’t just fire them on my fairly baseless assumption. BUT if the person admits they believe themselves to be crazy and are losing grip and they feel like resigning they go the fuck ahead.

Would you pay money to sit on top of a LIVE crocodile in a petting zoo environment?

I’m a big guy. Let’s get that out of the way. Not in the that’s what she said way, but in the I’m a large mammal. I’m not sure I should be sitting on top of live crocodiles unless this was a human/crocodile war and I was doing anything including sitting on it to kill it. I feel like this is a not so big croc. I certainly would sit on top of an enormous crocodile that I could ride like a war horse when humans and crocodiles join forces to take on the rampaging elephants during their apocalypse. I’m all for that. I’ll sign up twice for that. It would really depend on how big this croc is and how much it costs. If it is a big croc and it costs like $30 or under then I would do it.

Supposedly at the Beijing aquarium for like $50 you can swim with sharks like right there in the tank in your street clothes. I didn’t do it nor saw it, but I heard about it and I would be surprised if it wasn’t true. Shit was getting wild in Beijing. I took a go kart down the side of the Great Wall of China. It’s 2 Legit 2 Quit over there.

If a straight guy is going on vacation to South East Asia, are hookers a standard tourist activity?


That is my first reaction. Yes. Don’t ask me though because I’m apparently hated over there. Did you see yesterday’s post and the percentages coming out of that area of the world? It doesn’t seem like they are welcoming me with open arms over there. Also, I just want to get back to that Manny Pacquiao quip I made yesterday… I stand behind pretty much all of it. I like Manny and at the same time I think he is fighting/fought a series of men whose brains are going to be detrimentally worse because they fought Manny. “Sugar” Shane Mosley? Fuck. “Sugar” better show up with Gladiator helmet on because his brain will be working at a 1/3 the speed it is working at after this fight. I know Manny versus someone young won’t sell the way Manny needs these fights to sell, but at what cost? He’s just massacring these guys. It’s not right the boxing commission allows them to happen. Miguel Cotto vs. Mosley? Sure. Let that fight happen again because neither is fighting at 100% anymore. And I don’t buy his bullshit about being afraid of needles and that’s why they canceled the first Floyd fight. He’s afraid of needles coming in contact with him 2 weeks prior to a fight? Jeez man. You get punched in the head for a living and 2 weeks prior to it you might get some blood drawn – what’s the big deal? And I feel like Freddie Roach is wearing out his welcome. I like Freddie and I like Manny, but the more I see of them the less charismatic they have become.

What the hell does it mean if you message someone with a “hey what’s going on…” and they reply with an answer to your question but not really inquiring about you in return? To which you follow-up with more small talk and get a reply with more of the same.


Really man? I messaged you cuz I’m INTERESTED. So are you nice guy who replies to everyone? Keeping your options open to see which chick offers sex the quickest? What gives? While I appreciate the reply, you’re wasting my time if you’re not interested. Which really kinda sucks, because if I do message someone and I don’t get a reply, then I feel sad panda cuz they don’t want to talk to me. BUT, I feel no remorse deleting the weirdos who DO want to talk to me… sorta.


How do we phrase a reply message to someone that implies “thanks for the interest, but you’re ugly/creepy/old, don’t message me again, have a nice day”??


Well, I would say that if you message a guy and he doesn’t sound that interested when he messages back and you message him back and he still doesn’t sound that interested then he’s not interested. At the same time, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are sending him messages that are meaningful and not retarded like the messages I have received randomly from chicks.

For instance…

Some girl messaged me – hey let’s chat. I messaged back – hey plus something like what do you want to chat about. Then a week goes by. She said let’s chat again and here’s my AIM. And I didn’t message her back. And that’s because WHAT AM I 15?!!!!! Let’s chat on AIM? I have had two fucking messages from you and all you have said is “hey, let’s chat” twice and now you want me to download a program I haven’t used since 2003 to “CHAT?!” CHAT?! Seriously?! What fucking brilliant things am I going to read from a chick who uses the word “chat” twice in two messages and only two other words out of it? Nothing absolutely nothing.

Or some girl messaged – hey and a joke about something in my profile. I messaged back – hey and a response to said joke, her profile was slim on details, so I asked what her story was. Her response is “lol its a long story lol”. FUCK. YOU. Seriously?! It’s like pulling fucking teeth. You messaged me lady! Tell me about yourself damn it. I’m not dying to hear your “long story”, but unless you’re the chick from Winter’s Bone then fucking tell me something! Jeebus…

Also, I’ve gotten messages where seriously all it says is “hey”. Fuck you. I can’t send just “hey” to girls. In half of the girls’ profiles on that damn site it says don’t just “hey” to me. No shit. I’m not a caveman, but on top of that even if I wrote a Robert Frost poem about you then you still wouldn’t respond because it was “too many” words now. Fucking Christ.

Anyway, OkCupid is a great site in the sense that it is free and you don’t have to “friend” anyone or anything to message them or see pictures of them or see their profile and all that nonsense. At the same time, I think most of the people on that site completely have their heads stuck up their own asses. I bet that girls have to worry about the guys just wanting to get laid on that site and that should be your fear because 100% of them do want to get laid and a smaller percentage after that want to do that regularly with just one person. But on the other hand guys have to deal with these girls who want some adventurous millionaire to sweep in and take them back to Peru, where they did a 2 week semester abroad program 8 years ago in college, for a Wednesday date. Seriously? You like to travel? I like to travel to, so why don’t you get your waitress job having ass a ticket for the both of us to go somewhere because this is equal opportunity up on this date.

You know how we watch a reality dating show and say “they’re never going to find love on that show”. Well I feel like most people treat that website like it is their own reality dating show. But who knows. Maybe I’m too cynical. I think people are being too unrealistic and too serious. They’re going to find “love”. How about they’re going to find someone to go see a movie with they wouldn’t mind making out with afterward and if that can turn into “love” then they’re willing to give that a shot?

What do I know? I’m only a man with a sharpened sword wet with my own pee waiting for my upscale instant coffee maker to turn against me, so I can cut it in half.

are we broken up? Should I reinstate the dating profile? Who the hell breaks up with me?

“Broken up”? You don’t sound together, but completely “broken up” really depends on you. It sounds like if you want to be “broken up” then you are. If you don’t want to be “broken up” then you’re in that Schroedinger’s cat scenario where you are both broken up and together in that superposition of relationship Facebook status. I don’t know the guy, but I feel like saying he is a tool just because. It’s a toolish maneuver to put someone in that position… especially one of my commenters. “Reinstate” the dating profile? Well, it doesn’t hurt to go on OkCupid. I actually find the website both equal parts hilarious, angering and there are loads of pictures of people to judge about their looks, which arguably the human race’s national past-time outside of drinking and killing. Hot or not? Is tied for second place in past-time. 

Was there an episode where the glass broke and he fell out? Or was that one of my nightmares?

Definitely on both. I believe there were multiple episodes he fell out of the dude’s stomach and his glass container broke. Krang would move around freely on his own in numerous episodes. He couldn’t battle the Turtles as just the brain, but he could operate his alien machinery with his brain arms.

you really love to call people liars don’t you?

I do. People lie a lot. People love to talk shit for the sake of it. It comes naturally to people to lie or conceal information. And I call people on it. I also fully believe that people are “sophists” whether they know the word or not. And in doing so, I believe they are liars. They are misrepresenting their feelings that they don’t necessarily believe to try and win an argument and I think that is a form of lying and fuck them for doing so.

Plus with all the curse words we have in this world – liar or coward still cuts to the core. I like that as well.

Coolidge, Calvin. 30th President. One of the smallest presidents and was rated as “tolerable good.” Tolerable good? Ooof. First of all, that’s barely even English. Secondly, what was he “tolerable good” at — wrestling or being a midget President? All of the above?

That’s why I didn’t want to link to that website because it was barely in English. I wish I could find that other website, but it appears that they may have taken it down. It was an old website that looked like it was up during the angelfire days of the internet.

I believe the “tolerable good” was about him being a diminutive in stature President. But I could see someone saying the same about his wrestling because it didn’t sound like he was the greatest wrestler. If he was then they would have mentioned it.

What do you think my chances are of getting a job if I list KSWI as one of my web site references?

Can’t hurt.

This website is fantastic and anyone associated with it should get all the monies.


Have a great weekend.

She wants IT.


16 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #50”

  1. kt said

    I’m really bummed because none of these pictures worked. Fix it Jordan.

  2. kt said

    I know I already missed Friday questions, but this came up after question time so I’m gonna ask it anyways. How important is differing religions within a relationship? I know theoretically it doesn’t necessarily matter as my bff is Muslim and her fiance is Baptist snd my other bff is catholic and her hubby is jewish, but I’m a kinda serious atheist and this guy is a “sometimes I listen to alternative Jesus music and gospel” Christian. Recipe for disaster?

    • PWG said

      My husband went to Catholic school but he doesn’t seem to mind that I’ve damned him to hellfire. I’m not sure what’s supposed to happen to Catholics if they don’t receive all the sacraments, but I’m pretty sure he was supposed to get dispensation from the Church to marry a non-Catholic.

      I think it can work just fine if it’s not a deal-breaker for either one of you. Sure, he’s an adulturous single man with bastard children in the eyes of the Holy See, but he still has a shot at Extreme Unction!

  3. I got really hung up on that ostrich costume. I didn’t even know why it was there, then I realized all of the pictures were of animal costumes. Then I googled “animal costumes” and found more like the ostrich. Aaaaamazing.

    Congressman Tigerpants did take some prescription drugs that maybe didn’t belong to him. I think I read 2 pain pills? Maybe he had a migraine… I don’t know. I’m not sure it’s really all that absurd. What is absurd is that so many articles focus on him in the tiger costume as the main offense.

    I still use AIM. And the name I created for it in 1998. I do not, however, use OKCupid. But I am not a waitress who will buy you a plane ticket. I’m a tech nerd who can use her BILLIONS of frequent flyer miles to hook a bro up, though.

    I changed my Twitter profile to “Tolerable good.” following that post. Pretty huge deal, right?

  4. tiffanized said

    I’m feeling a little sheepish about my comments yesterday. You guys got to see me at my Breakup Low Point(TM). I’m a little better now. I’m not guaranteeing full sanity, but I’m not sure you all want that from me anyway. And hell, if you can’t cry on the shoulder of a bunch of people you don’t know in real life and who you have systematically ignored for a year, whose shoulder can you cry on? Seriously thanks though.

    I don’t remember Krang. He reminds me of the guy who had to swoop Martin Short in for kisses on Arrested Development. Maybe I will be Krang for Halloween next year. But you know, Sexy Krang.

    Tonight I am going to see Gwar. I cannot possibly convey my excitement about this, nor my trepidation. I am putting my phone in a plastic baggie so that I can regale you all with my adventures in Twitpic format.

  5. PWG said

    The map idea and link and instructions were from me, I confess it. I sent you here: Visitors Maps and you posted the code from that site. I think you have to post it again to get new stats, but when I was there just now it said you had two visitors in the last 24 hours – someone from Colorado and someone from the Philippines.

    While I was diligently researching that in the comments I realized that September 2009 was probably the single funniest collection of 30 days in KSWI history. Hairiness graph, KStew’s NFL position, Charles de Gaulle, Sad Panda, the weird KStew + bro photo shoot, first tattoo pictures, Catherine the Great and Putin, Eva Braun’s ass and the first post-Megan Fox posting. Plus Tolstoy’s beard, which perfectly explains why I got Keurig coffee cups in the mail the other day from New Jersey, along with a picture of an old man who had a kitten in his beard.

  6. I loved this post. I giggle snorted quite loudly at the riding a crocodile in human/croc war against the elephants. quite loudly indeed.

    anyway, total bummer that you are seemingly surrounded by shit talkers and liars. I rarely lie. I think that stems from the fact that I say whatever my brain thinks usually instantaneously. I do not have an adequate brain-to-mouth filter which often embarasses me. like just five minutes ago when one of my teammates brought her mom into our hotel room, and I was loudly yelling fuck and then I turned around and saw the mom, and then went oh shit. and then said fuck again because I cursed, again. so yes there is not a lot of lying going on in my brain. even when I have the opportunity to lie, I usually choose honesty. it is a virtue afterall. for example, I will be totally honest and say I haven’t the faintest idea what being sophist means. Of course I could have lied and said I do, and just googled it really quick….but..why? so anyway you can take it to the bank that i don’t know what sophist means.

    TGIF yall! 🙂

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