Editor’s note: YES! SPECIAL GUEST POST!!!! YES!!! My buddy Colin decided to write a season report card on the cast characters of The Jersey Shore as last week was the last episode until we see them next in Italy. It turned into 1500+ words as the spirit hit him and now it is a guest post for KSWI. It is that easy folks! Write about 1500 words, make it funny or interesting and give it to me and it goes on here and then I can have fun reading as well. I fully agree with his grades on each character. After 3 seasons of watching, Jersey Shore I’m really starting to find J-Woww attractive and it is worrying the shit out of me. Does anyone remember how she looked like a truck stop stripper in Reno in the first episode and now she looks like Julia Roberts post-fucking Richard Gere… with huge fake boobs. So, anyway. Thank you Colin.

You Can’t Spell Fist Pump without an F

With the series finale of Jersey Shore airing last week, I thought the prudent response would be to grade the cast on their performances from this season. Of course, the only type of “test” this cast is familiar with is one that comes back either positive or negative and involves a swab of some sort, so I wasn’t holding out too much hope when grading their body of work. Like a normal class, the final episode will be weighted slightly heavier than the rest of the season’s course since the finale is supposed to be the climactic event of the season (bad news for these guys). Unlike a normal class, I’m grading a bunch of narcissistic Neanderthals on hooking up, fighting and overall deviant behavior for entertainment purposes. In no particular order:

Deena: B-

The “blast in a glass” brought back everything that made us fall in love with the Jersey Shore cast from the series’ first season. She liked to get rip-roaring drunk, was a caricature of a person who frequents the Jersey shore, would go out as much as possible with little regard for her own safety and well-being and, the one thing the rest of the cast had lost after the first season, seemed totally self-unaware (obviously not a word, but what did you expect from someone grading the cast of Jersey Shore). And on top of all those things, what made me instantly like her more than most of the other cast, SHE WAS ACTUALLY FROM NEW JERSEY. Actually, come to think of it, maybe that’s a negative, oh well. Between starting to drink on the car ride down the shore (come on, who hasn’t done that), calling out Sammi on day 1 and introducing me to the dance move named “jersey turnpike” (maybe I was being naïve), she was poised for an easy “A” and the title of best mid-series casting addition this side of Rob Lowe. Like most athletes that get off to a torrid, unsustainable start and eventually cool off, Deena seemed to slow down dramatically during the dog days of summer. In the last few episodes Deena vacillated between sloppy drunk and whiny short girl, without a real redeeming interaction with any of the other cast-members or “locals.” If it wasn’t for Vinny’s surprising heel turn in the last few episodes (we’ll get to that later), her season finale Dikembe Mutombo-esque cock-block would have lowered her grade into the low “C” range for sure. But she still gets credit for being able to hang with MVP and live to tell about it and she was also involved in two of the more memorable moments of the season (the accidental stripper and her rumored affinity towards *ahem* salad), so she stays in the low “B” range. I’m willing to bet this is one of the highest grades she’s ever received.

J-woww: C

After the first episode and a half had past and she had already gotten into another physical altercation with Sammi I don’t think anyone would have predicted that this season for the “woww” would have turned into a love story. But one deuschy boyfriend/emergency trip to Long Island later, and all of a sudden she was on the market and ready to take Seaside by storm. What’s that you say? She already had another guy lined up at the door waiting for the go? Well, that doesn’t seem like the Jenny I know. Wait, yes it does. The girl who famously proclaimed in season one before getting ready to go to the club that “the tits are coming out” was already fond of a certain Mr. Roger, who apparently is the unofficial mayor of Seaside Heights the way he glad-hands every single person in restaurants or on the boardwalk. If these two end up getting married it’s going to be like the royal wedding of Seaside (I just hope Gov. Christie gives us all the day off, as well). So unfortunately for us we never really saw single J-woww on the prowl, but we were privy to Roger’s going away gift. Where the hell was Roger going, Afghanistan? Was he going on a diplomatic trip to the far east as the US representative of Seaside? Wherever he was going I’m sure he sets up many more trips like that if his going away present is that get-up every time. Other than that, it was a relatively blah season for J-woww. She indirectly led to Ronnie getting clocked in the jaw by Sam and had to rescue Snooki from the ocean and herself, but chances are those two events were going to happen regardless if she was there or not, so a pretty average season from her. I just hope those two crazy kids make it though, cause if Roger and J-woww can’t make it, what chance do the rest of us have.

Snooki: C+

Drama with Vinny aside, she was at least a part of most of the memorable aspects of this season, for good or for bad. She introduced us to Deena, got arrested while searching for the beach, snuck beers from the fridge at the Shore Store and tried to FUNNEL them in the bathroom (why they had beers in the fridge to begin with is another story) had sex (or at least seemed to have sex) with the better part of a small village, and generally looked absolutely ridiculous doing so. But here is my problem with this year’s incarnation of Snooki, she seems aware of her ridiculousness. In the episode where the gang decides to go to the boardwalk and go on rides, she puts on some horrendous looking shirt that’s at least two sizes too small in the chest alone and completes the ensemble with mismatched animal print knee high socks. Train wreck, right? But just before she leaves she glances in the mirror and acknowledges how ridiculous she looks. Wait, what? She’s not supposed to know that. Only we, the viewers, should know she dresses like the little kid in Big Daddy. If she’s in on the joke, it’s not funny anymore. She’s not supposed to be self-aware, she’s supposed to think she is the Jersey shore version of Marilyn Monroe. Maybe this is what Sarah Connors was talking about when she warned us about “them” becoming self-aware. It’s easy to confuse Ronnie with an anamotronic cyborg. Irregardless, without Snooki’s plots the show drags and there is more camera time the Ron/Sam train-wreck, so I can’t be too mad at Snooks. I just hope she finds love soon, for the sake of CDC.

Vinny: D+

Remember in the beginning of Season 1 when Vinny says that this is just something he’s going to do before going to college? Wonder how those classes are going? I bet he’s getting an A in marketing because his penis has more brand awareness and market saturation than Nike and Apple put together. For this class, however, Vinny gets a D because the that’s the first letter of dick, the word most associated with dear Vincenzo this season. After being mostly absent in season one and finally starting to gain some confidence and swagger in Miami, Vinny was poised for a break-out season. Everything started out fine as he palled around with Pauly and was bedding numerous young natives of the area, but towards the end of the season his demeanor changed and he became, for lack of a better phrase, a big dick. He threw a hissy fit twice, once when The Situation ruined his “prank” on Snooki and again when Deena cock-blocked him during the last episode. He also had an off again/off again relationship with Snooki which only piqued his interest around 4:30 am when there were no other options. Between that and the constant mention of his member and it’s size, the word dick perfectly represents our newly tanned and pierced Vinny this season. It’s too bad, too, since he started with so much potential as a pupil under Pauly D. It looks as if our greasy Icarus flew too close to the sun on his wings of bronzer.

The Situation: C+

Sitcho was easily on his way to an “Incomplete” this semester, but his late season interjection into the Ron/Sam clusterfuck they call a relationship brought his grade up. He seemed like the least interested party at the shore house this summer, and his absence from any major story-lines correspond with his lack if interest. He had his redeeming moments, the taxi ride to NYC for Snooki and Deena, his solo family dinner, and of course dropping the “A” bomb on the Ron/Sam ordeal was my highlight of the summer, but he just seemed like he had better things to do this year (which obviously wasn’t prepping for his short lived stint as a comic).

Rammie: F—

First of all, if domestic violence can’t separate these two, how the hell am I supposed to, so their grade is going to be combined. Second, I cannot give these two degenerates a low enough grade. Good God, would these two just kill each other already so I don’t need to see them on my television screen anymore. There are not two people in the world I care about less than this Neanderthal and his atrophied girlfriend. Everything about their relationship and their existence as humans annoys the shit out of me. I hate how they refer to each other as “bro,” I hate that they can’t make a decision to save their lives, I hate how they somehow think that they are destined to end up together, like they’re star-crossed lovers. I was so happy when episode two seemed like the end of their relationship…but then they somehow forgot they are horrible to each other and got back together. And then that happened EIGHT MORE FUCKING TIMES IN THE SEASON! And they’re both at fault here. Each had a multitude of opportunities to end it once and for all, but they were both too stupid to realize that they actually can’t stand each other. You would think that once Ronnie nearly threw Sammie and her bed out the window, splattering her and her belongs (especially her glasses…”this is not ok” – really, you think Sam?) all along the boardwalk, she would realize that maybe this isn’t the right relationship for her. But no, after all of maybe one afternoon at home she decides to come back and within days is back with someone who probably caused upwards of $2,500 of damage to her belongings within that same week. Ronnie isn’t innocent in the least, either. You can’t go from attempted homicide via bed toss to a crying puddle of Ron-Ron juice in one night. Once you decide it’s over and make the determination that “I’m going to go completely insane and ruin all of this girls’ personal effects and scream at her about all the chicks I’m going to bang while pointing to the bed and motioning it with my hips like I’m Carlton Fisk,” you’ve lost the ability to play the sympathetic, “I’m so sad without her” card. The only redeeming quality of that relationship, other than the violent nature in which it has progressed, were the little snippets of contempt for each other that came out once and a while. Mostly, watching Ron’s face while Sam talked was pleasurable since he seemed about as interested in what she was saying as he seems in Math. And my all-time favorite moment of their season three came in the first episode. Drunk Deena just called Sam every name in the book with Ron sitting right there and not moving a muscle, but the minute she says something about Ron being Sam’s boyfriend, he springs up like Muscle Milk just went on clearance. How dare Deena insult him like that, in HIS house (that he “rents” with seven other people as part of a television show). Next year, I’m fine with ditching Rammie and just bringing back Dean, the Ronnie clone. He was way more entertaining this year anyway.

Pauly D: A

He’s officially now the Magic Johnson of the Jersey Shore because he makes everyone around him better (and not because of the STDs). How can you not be happy when you see his face and hear one of his many declarations. Season 1 and part of Miami he was dishing out assists to The Situation, and when Sitcho fell apart, he just picks up Vinny and turns him into an all-star caliber player. When Pauly needs to score to keep the show moving, he does just that. And his grenade defense and ability to shut down potential stalkers is underrated. Pauly is responsible for everyone who yells that it’s “T-shirt time” or that the “cabs are here.” He gives honest assessments of the house situations and Situations, and is good for a one-liner every episode. Possibly the greatest thing about Pauly, though, is that he’s stayed true to his roots. While the other cast members rolled up this year in Benz’s, BMW’s and Land Rovers, Pauly is still rocking the old school Cadillac DeVille through and through (what did you expect, especially since the word Cadillac is literally TATTOOED down his torso). Keep it real Pauly, and thank you for bringing up the overall GPA of the cast and making this season somewhat watchable.

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I’ve got the sniffles today from the ever changing weather and my head actually aches and my ears hurt and I have post nasal drip like a boss and my bowel movements smell like death.

I spent most of yesterday expecting this sickness as well as being outrageously furious for the most of the day. I decided to add to the fury and read bad reviews for the movie Sucker Punch.

Yesterday, in my flawlessly brilliant lampooning of the New York Times article by Jan Hoffman, I did mention that I saw Sucker Punch and I loved it. I loved it up real good. I loved it for many reasons. I loved it for the straight forward visual feast and action spectacular the movie was. I loved the look, the art direction, the costumes, yes – the hot chicks, the fight choreography, the CGI and just the endless imagination. I loved the references to numerous forms of art and entertainment that I love like videogames, manga, anime, sci-fi, fantasy, war movies, steampunk style, ninjas, samurais, big dragons shooting fire.

Secondly, I loved Sucker Punch for being a female lead 300. I loved that a series of girls in a movie were not planning each others wedding or complaining about boys or talking about how many calories they had for lunch or shoes or shoes or shoes or cosmos! No, I liked watching a bunch of chicks kick the ever living shit out of Nazi robots the same way Zack had a crew of leather thong wearing dudes chopping the heads off of invading Persians in 300.

Thirdly, I loved Sucker Punch for its dark harrowing storyline that was fueled by alternate realities and dream sequences and a murkiness of vantage points that leads one to guess how this all played out and what was real and all throughout the story it is a mix of Alice in Wonderland and Terry Gilliam’s Brazil.

Fourthly, I love reading Zack Snyder talk about Sucker Punch.

And with all this talk about Sucker Punch and Zack Snyder…

I decided to read about something that I never really investigated on my own and was curious if it was anymore complicated and any more articulate than what friends have told me…

300 is homophobic!!!!

dunh

DunH

DUNH

The first time I heard about this was, well, awhile ago, but I didn’t give it much creedance.

I, originally, heard that this theory came from Alan Moore the writer of such phenomenal works as Watchmen, V for Vendetta, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and so on and so on and so on and he still writes to this day.

I had heard that he had said something about the movie being homophobic and fascist and so forth, but I really didn’t care what he thought too too too much. Reason being: Alan Moore is crazy. I absolutely love Alan Moore. Love him to death. I love those books mentioned above and I love everything I have ever read by him. I even loved his Swamp Thing stuff, which I was thoroughly cynical about because really how deep could Swamp Thing get? He’s a fucking walking tree who talks to birds and flowers. Anyway, he can get really fucking deep. It was great. Nevertheless, when Alan gets interviewed about movies (usually movies) he gets a little out there. He is a bit biased because Hollywood did destroy some of his earlier works like From Hell, The League and so forth, but Hollywood did a pretty great to excellent job with Watchmen and V for Vendetta. Either way, he usually doesn’t acknowledge that. Instead he goes off on rants.

Secondly, Alan Moore is crazy liberal and Frank Miller, who wrote 300, is pretty hardcore conservative. The two are contemporaries and don’t get along I assume. And Alan is very sexually open minded in action and in theory as he has a whole comic book company dedicated to writing about gays/transgenders and so forth and then he also has had orgies involving himself and his beard and other mens and womens. So, crazy reclusive Alan Moore doesn’t like some movie based on a comic book he doesn’t like written by a comic book writer he doesn’t like and he is claiming it is homophobic… that’s what I heard.

I decided to go on the webz yesterday and read what people were saying…

300 is homophobic for two things… dos cosas…

1. Remember that dude Leonidas? The one who said all the best lines in the movie and was played by Gerard Butler? Well, before he kicks the messenger into the pit of eternity with the THIS IS SPARTA! Earlier in the convo he drops this – “See, rumor has it the Athenians have already turned you down, and if those philosophers and, uh, boy-lovers have found that kind of nerve, then… ”

Is that homophobic? “boy-lovers”? Philosophers and, uh, boy-lovers? Personally, I took that as pedophiles. Guys who fuck boys. You know actual boys. Not like how a gaggle of 30 year old womens who are going out for appletinis will say “hey what are the boys up to?” and they really mean full grown dudes who went through puberty years upon years earlier and have receding hairlines and such and have gray hair behind their ears and such. Not like how grandparent ladies still call their female friends “girl friends” when they are so un-understandably old that they remember a period of time before The Great Depression.

I’m pretty sure that reference to “boy-lovers” is alongside the very well understood nature of Socrates fucking Plato as a child, Plato fucking Aristotle as a child, Aristotle fucking Alexander the Great and so on or whatever. In some of Plato’s dialogues with Socrates the old philosopher men are patting young boys on the head, which was code for them molesting the ever living shit out of them.

So, I don’t think that was homophobic – I think that was more anti-sex with boys. Whether or not it is true that Spartans did not have sex with boys or that they ran around speaking English wasn’t really the point. The Spartans were supposed to be the modern men where women had rights and they fought for their own land despite what the masters had said and they were doers with all their big ass muscles as opposed to old men in togas having sex with young boys while talking gibberish about religion to each other.

2. Xerxes wore make-up, jewelry, and at one time he stood behind Leonidas and put his hands on his shoulders, so Xerxes was all purposefully the embodiment of GAY and Leonidas was the straight man trying to kill him.

That’s what the argument is. And to that I say – ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?! You are giving an awful lot of credit to Frank Miller if he thought that up and put that in his comic. The comic book is pretty bare bones at 88 pages or so long and mostly filled with dudes running a spear through attacking enemies’ heads. As for a sweeping homophobic stance on gays because the one dude wore jewelry and the other dude didn’t and they fought each other? What?! So what would have made this movie 300 not homophobic is when Xerxes comes up from behind Leonidas that Leonidas for a minute drops to his knees and blows the 7 foot Xerxes and then afterward he still tells him that they are going to fight or does he have to then keep blowing Xerxes for all of eternity?

Their argument is that Xerxes is gay because he wears jewelry and make-up. That sounds more homophobic than anything that Zack Snyder has said. Every guy who wears jewelry and make-up is gay. Ok? I mean that could be a fair assumption. I took the jewelry and make-up to support the dialogue of the movie where Xerxes is talked about being so vane that he believes not only that the song is about him, but that he’s a God. So he gets dressed up like a God. He’s got all this lavish shit, he has a chariot that is a stone structure that dudes carry him own and all that shit. Xerxes has all this gold and thinks the world is beneath him and talks about the beauty of his freaks and blah blah blah and he is just an insane vane man who believes he is a God.

As for the scene where Leonidas meets Xerxes… So Xerxes comes up from behind Leonidas and puts his hands on his shoulders and whispers to him about how he can make him a God. Here some people have said he is trying to convert Leonidas into being gay. I sincerely believe that is just people saying anything is a metaphor for anything. Xerxes is trying to seduce Leonidas into… surrendering. He wants him to give up. They have a secret meeting. In the secret meeting he appeals to Leonidas about what he already knows – he’ll die fighting him. And in that doubt about dying and so forth, Xerxes lays it on pretty thick about how he’ll make Leonidas the ruler of all of Greece and so on and so on and his people will live and he’ll have all this wealth and he’ll be able to do all these things. Xerxes is the bad guy and through that seduction to giving up the fight, he is standing behind him like 7 foot tall guy he is and whispering to him like a snake in the Garden of Eden and getting inside his mind about what would be better – dying tomorrow on the field of battle and never seeing your family or people again… or I could make you a greater ruler if you just step aside.

Basically…

But I guess I’m wrong for viewing it that way. I guess I’m wrong and other people are right because they think this movie is one big anti-gay movie even though the movie shows more male skin than any other movie I can think of ever. It’s a bunch of the buffest dudes slapping each other on the ass in leather thongs grunting and sweating and being manly, but apparently, it is homophobic because at no point does King Leonidas take a shot cum in the mouth.

Oh I’m sorry, does that happen in other movies? Are all movies that do not feature a gay sex scene homophobic?

Do you know what movie is homophobic?

Toy Story

All of them.

Yeah, they are some homophobic bullshit.

You know why?

Because the whole movie is about keeping two male characters who obviously have gay feelings for each other away from each other. That’s fucking right…

Woody?!

Buzz?!

One is a cowBOY and the other is an ASS-tronaut and those don’t want to fuck each other?!

READ BETWEEN THE LINES!!!!!

It is society! It is society in the form of that bitch Bo Beep and those ratty kids that are keeping these two men from fucking and sucking each other until they shoot plastic jizz all over each other. If society didn’t permeate their brains with this idea that they cannot go any further than just being best friends who help each other out in these adventures then they would see what is so fucking obvious to all of us that they just want to jam their cock in each other so badly while that dinosaur is fellated by Mr. Potato HEAD and the slinky dog humps a pillow and watches.

Seriously! How homophobic is that movie?! I don’t remember a single scene of circle jerking or ass play between Woody and Buzz, so it is clearly a homophobic movie. Who dresses up as a cowboy? Gay guys. Who dress up in general? Gay guys. And doesn’t Buzz have roller skates with rockets? Who loves roller skates and rockets? GAYS! So they’re not fucking each other because of stupid society holding them apart and now the truth is out there that the people of Pixar are clearly homophobic.

Name a Pixar movie where a dude sticks his dick in another dude’s ass?

Name one?

That’s right!

PIXAR HATES GAY PEOPLE!

You read it here first!

There is no way around it because it was a male robot aboard the main spaceship and WALL-E was male clearly, but he spend so much time running around chasing that girl robot who clearly hated the male robot because he was gay and then when the male robot finally got his hands on WALL-E the female robot did everything she could to keep them away from each other. HOMOPHOBES!

Or what The Incredibles! That is not only homophobic because there is the love of a young admiring boy who grows up to be a man who idolizes Mr. Incredible and even puts him in that sex torture S&M device and, of course, he’s such a homophobe that he has to try and get away instead of just having all the gay sex with Syndrome or whatever. And of course, Mr. Incredible’s bitch of a wife who is pushing a right wing heterosexual agenda down our throats defeats the all male and gay pride army of Syndrome. Plus the movie is racist because Frozone or whatever is black and he’s just Mr. Incredible’s little helper. Oh Massa! Massa Incredible! I wazzuh so uh worries abouts you! I’m-uh so happies you called Massa! Sure I’ll help you fights the robotzzz! And does Frozone have a happy family life like Mr. Incredible?! NO! Why is Frozone not the star of the movie?! Why does Frozone have to be a sharp dresser with a turtle neck? Because all black people are?! RACIST RACIST RACIST!

Yeah, I’m done.

Fucking fuck.

Thursday.

 

Yesterday/Sunday, I was flipping through my New York Times app on my iPhone looking for any updates on the “hilarious” situation happening in Libya. After skimming a few articles that did not feature the phrase “WE WON!”, I noticed a different kind of article… a sexier article… a steamier article… a, let’s be honest, better article.

The article was entitled A Girl’s Nude Photo, and Altered Lives.

Uhhhh… YES PLEASE. What was that other stuff “war war war”? Boring! A nude photo?! Of a girl?! Altering lives?! Needless to say, I started reading and it turned out this was the War & Peace of articles about a girl getting naked. The article was 5 pages and over 3000 words. The author had a field day with this piece.

Author – Jan Hoffman

I’m guessing it is Jan as in January and not Jan as in Yon as in from Scandinavia. Nevertheless, prepare to be blown away by Jan Hoffman, her thesaurus, her dramatizations, as well as her near endless research for this article, and how that all adds up to, in my opinion, them missing the point of this entirely. BRILLIANCE!

Per usual BOLD is Jan Hoffman and THIS is Me.

LACEY, Wash. — One day last winter Margarite posed naked before her bathroom mirror, held up her cellphone and took a picture. Then she sent the full-length frontal photo to Isaiah, her new boyfriend.

This sounds pretty hot and promising…

Both were in eighth grade.

Ughhhh… Margarite! These names are amazing: Margarite and Isaiah. It takes place in “Lacey” “Washington” where ever that is, but with names like theirs it could take place all over the world and in any century. Well, not any century because of the whole cell phone thing, but you get it. Isaiah was in the Bible! And now he receives pictures on his cell phone of stupid Margarite naked. Margarite!

They broke up soon after.

Shocking!

A few weeks later, Isaiah forwarded the photo to another eighth-grade girl, once a friend of Margarite’s. Around 11 o’clock at night, that girl slapped a text message on it.

Oh, I’m betting this will go well. Girls never do anything mean to each other. I’m sure she’ll “slap” a text message that says – “looking good Margarite”, “puberty is doing that body good, Margarite”, “you decorated your bathroom really nicely, Margarite”, “you’ll find a guy someday better than Isaiah who will truly deserve nude photos of you coming in on his cell phone, cheers”.

“Ho Alert!” she typed. “If you think this girl is a whore, then text this to all your friends.” Then she clicked open the long list of contacts on her phone and pressed “send.”

WHAM! Bitches hatin’ bitches! “Ho Alert!” and “whore” all in the same text. Of course, she had a “long” list of contacts because cutting bitches throats is what got her to the top of the popularity. I think we have found our Regina of Lacey, Washington.

In less than 24 hours, the effect was as if Margarite, 14, had sauntered naked down the hallways of the four middle schools in this racially and economically diverse suburb of the state capital, Olympia. Hundreds, possibly thousands, of students had received her photo and forwarded it.

Jan, you poet. “Racially and economically diverse suburb of the state capital”? So, they’re not all white with names like “Isaiah” and “Margarite”? If you meet a guy named Isaiah, there is an 80% chance he’s black unless you are in Lancaster, PA hassling Amish people. Secondly, Margarite doesn’t sound like she came over on the Mayflower, but this article is 3000 words, so throw it all in there Jan. What’s the GDP of the area? Annual rain fall?

In short order, students would be handcuffed and humiliated, parents mortified and lessons learned at a harsh cost. Only then would the community try to turn the fiasco into an opportunity to educate.

The handcuffing and the humiliating had nothing to do with the picture, it was just some good ole’ horseplay. Are you starting to get the magnitude of this article? Jan isn’t fucking around here.

Around the country, law enforcement officials and educators are struggling with how to confront minors who “sext,” an imprecise term that refers to sending sexual photos, videos or texts from one cellphone to another.

“Sext” works for me. I don’t think it is that “imprecise”. If I send a text to Bob reading “what time do you want to go to the game tonight?” then that is a text. If I send a second text to Bob reading “I can’t wait for us to rub helmets together” and then I attach a picture of my junk then that is a “sext”. I know the difference, you know the difference, and Bob definitely knows the difference.

But adults face a hard truth. For teenagers, who have ready access to technology and are growing up in a culture that celebrates body flaunting, sexting is laughably easy, unremarkable and even compelling: the primary reason teenagers sext is to look cool and sexy to someone they find attractive.

Isn’t that insane?! No one ever did anything stupid with their body or talked about sex or used sex inappropriately before they got these blasted cell phones! Damn our “body flaunting” culture! Can’t we go back to that simpler time where everyone was ugly and didn’t have sex unless the Bible told them they could?

Indeed, the photos can confer cachet.

Just in case you were wondering, “cachet” means “a hollow wafer for enclosing an ill-tasting medicine”, so that should clear everything up for you. Thanks JAN!

“Having a naked picture of your significant other on your cellphone is an advertisement that you’re sexually active to a degree that gives you status,” said Rick Peters, a senior deputy prosecuting attorney for Thurston County, which includes Lacey. “It’s an electronic hickey.”

Rick Peters you are hilarious. Rick will be one of a 1000 people Jan interviewed for this article, although Rick actually has something to do with the story as opposed to most of the others. And Rick knows a lot about sexting for a guy I assume is an old fuddy duddy. Too funny though. I wonder how long it took for him to come up with “electronic hickey”.

In the fall of 2009, Margarite, a petite, pretty girl with dark hair and a tiny diamond stud in her nose, was living with her father, and her life was becoming troubled. Her relationship with her father’s new wife was tense. Her grades were in a free fall.

Margarite! It doesn’t make me want to see this naked picture of Margarite any less by describing her as “petite” “pretty” and the diamond stud thing. But, of course, Margarite’s struggles are that of a child of divorce and more so the damaging relationship with her father’s new pussy. It is always new pussy’s fault.

Her social life was deteriorating. A good friendship with a girl had soured, abetted by a fight over a boy. This girl would be the one who would later brand Margarite’s photo and forward it.

Bitches hatin’ bitches knows no age limitations. Also, was that boy – Isaiah!?! dunh DunH DUNH.

Margarite’s former friend is tough and strong-willed, determined to stand out as well as fit in, according to those who know her. Her parents, recent immigrants, speak limited English and were not able to supervise her texting.

Margarite’s former friend is a “bitch”. Anyway, how funny is it that now there is an immigrant story in this all of a sudden. What the hell does her parents’ limited grasp of the English language have to do with their bitchy daughter sending a nude photo of her friend to everyone she know? I’m pretty sure if the parents regardless of language spoken by her parents, if they saw the text the conversation wouldn’t go something like this (translate to whatever language you feel appropriate)…

Dad – Not to impede on your texting my dear child, but is that a nude photo of your old pal, Margarite?

Daughter – Yes.

Dad – And what are you doing with that?

Daughter – You wouldn’t understand because it is in English.

Dad – True, my daughter. True. Carry on. Carry on with whatever you are doing with a cell phone and a fully nude picture of your former friend, Margarite, who is only 14 years old.

In the shifting power dynamics of middle school girls, the former friend understood well that she who sneers first sneers best. The flick of a cutting remark, swiftly followed by “Just kidding!” The eye roll. As the animosity between the two girls escalated, Margarite felt shunned by an entire group of girls and was eating lunch by herself. At home she retreated to her bedroom, alone with her cellphone and computer.

Jan has been hurt by some bitches in the past. A lot of them.

Her mother would later speculate that Margarite desperately needed to feel noticed and special. That December, just before the holidays, she took the photo of herself and sent it to Isaiah, a low-key, likable athlete she had recently gotten to know.

HAHAHAHAHAHAH… sounds like Jan might have a crush on Isaiah.

After the winter break, Margarite was preparing a fresh start. She would move back in with her mother and transfer to a school in a nearby district.

But one night in late January, a few days before her transfer, Margarite’s cellphone began vibrating around 1 a.m., waking her. She was being bombarded by texts — alerts from worried friends, leers from boys she scarcely knew.

The next morning in her mother’s car, Margarite lowered her head, hiding her reddened eyes, her terrible secret.

“Are you O.K.?” asked her mother, Antoinette, who like other parents and children who agreed to be interviewed asked to be identified by only first or middle names to protect their privacy.

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

But her mother knew otherwise. Earlier that morning a parent had phoned Kirsten Rae, the principal of Margarite’s school, Chinook Middle, complaining about a naked photo sent to her child. The child knew at least a dozen students who had received it.

The principal then called Antoinette. The police wanted to question Margarite. On the drive to school, the girl sobbed uncontrollably, feeling betrayed and degraded.

This is more dramatic that Philadelphia. Remember the movie with Tom Hanks having AIDS before “Magic” Johnson cured that shit? At 3000+ words, this article could be turned into a Lifetime movie with absolutely no problem. The role of Margarite played by iCarly’s own Miranda Cosgrove and the role of Antoinette played by Patricia Heaton from Everybody Loves Raymond. If he was a couple years younger, Jermaine Crawford aka “Dookie” from The Wire would be perfect as Isaiah.

The school was buzzing. “When I opened my phone I was scared,” recalled an eighth grader. “I knew who the girl in the picture was. It’s hard to unsee something.”

Scared? What home schooled kid is “scared” when they receive a naked picture of a class mate on their cell phone? Scared? Scared my dreams were coming true maybe. If I was sitting in 8th grade Math class and all of a sudden my cell phone vibrated alerting me of a text and that text was a picture of some chick who was in my class naked – greatest day of school… period.

Meanwhile, another middle school principal in Lacey had begun investigating a sexting complaint that morning. Ms. Rae realized that Margarite’s photo had gone viral.

Viral? Hahahah. Margarite and LOLcats.

Students were summoned to Ms. Rae’s office and questioned by the police. Their cellphones were confiscated.

Ms. Rae went into crisis management.

That being she is a school principal for some unknown suburb in Washington and she absolutely is in way over her head trying to figure out how to handle all of this.

Parents were calling, wanting to know whether their children would be arrested and how she would contain the spread. She drafted a letter for school families. Administrators planned a districtwide voicemail to the families of middle school students. Chinook teachers would discuss the issue in homerooms the next day.

Hahahah a letter and voicemails? Oh yeah, I’m sure that contained the spread. The only thing that is going to “contain the spread” of a naked picture of some “pretty” “petite” “diamond studded” girl you know is an EMP blast knocking out all electronics in the state of Washington.

By late morning, Isaiah and Margarite’s former friend had been identified and pulled out of class.

Then Isaiah’s mother, Jennifer, got the call. “Naked?” she shouted. “How naked?”

When Jennifer, who works for an accountant, arrived at the school, she ran to Isaiah, a tall, slender boy with the startled air of an unfolding foal. He was weeping.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! I LOVE YOU, JAN HOFFMAN! Seriously? All of this is hysterical. There is no reason why we need to know Isaiah’s mom, Jennifer, works for an accountant. Also, the description of Isaiah as the “tall, slender boy” is not helping with Jan having a crush on Isaiah. And an “unfolding foal”?! HAHAHAHAH these draft pages must have been sticky wet when Jan turned them in covered from her masturbating all over them. And Isaiah is a cry baby.

“I was in shock that I was in trouble,” he recalled during a recent interview. “I didn’t go out of my way to forward it, but I felt responsible. It was bad. Really bad.”

He told the police that the other girl had pressured him into sending her Margarite’s photo, vowing she just wanted to look at it. He said he had not known that their friendship had disintegrated.

Yeah, officer, it was that other bitch’s fault! She tricked me! You remember that it was Eve who ruined paradise for us, right?! What could I do?

How had the sexting from Margarite begun? “We were about to date, and you’ll be like, ‘Oh, blah blah, I really like you, can you send me a picture?’ ” Isaiah recalled.

What a charmer.

“I don’t remember if I asked her first or if she asked me. Well, I think I did send her a picture. Yeah, I’m pretty sure. Mine was, like, no shirt on.

So Isaiah was the primary mover after all. “Mine was, like, no shirt on.” A million dollars says Jan Hoffman asked to get that picture on a flash drive for the purpose of the “story”. 

“It is very common,” he said. “I’d seen pictures on other boys’ cellphones.”

Mr. Peters, the county prosecutor, had been hearing that sexting was becoming a problem in the community. In a recent interview, he said that if the case had just involved photos sent between Isaiah and Margarite, he would have called the parents but not pressed charges.

Uhhh… Yes, this is Mr. Peters, the country prosecutor. I have some bad news. Your kids are whores. Good night.

“The idea of forwarding that picture was bad enough,” he said. “But the text elevated it to something far more serious. It was mean-girl drama, an all-out attempt to destroy someone without thinking about the implications.”

Rick Peters owns Mean Girls on DVD and Blu-ray. As well as the Bring It On series.

He decided against charging Margarite. But he did charge three students with dissemination of child pornography, a Class C felony, because they had set off the viral outbreak.

BOOM! Rick Peters y’all! Back the fuck up because you’re standing on Rick Peters’ dick! Peters drops a “dissemination of child pornography” on three 13-14 year olds like a fucking boss. Amazing.

After school had been let out that day in late January, the police read Isaiah his rights, cuffed his hands behind his back and led him and Margarite’s former friend out of the building. The eighth graders would have to spend the night in the county juvenile detention center.

The two of them and a 13-year-old girl who had helped forward the photo were arraigned before a judge the next day. (Margarite’s former friend declined to be interviewed, as did the girl who helped her.)

Bitches to the end! Refusing the Jan Hoffman? They refused being interview by the Hoff?

Officials took away Isaiah’s clothes and shoes. He changed into regulation white briefs and a blue jumpsuit. He was miserable and terrified.

“My socks got wet in the shower,” Isaiah said.

I literally have no idea what that means. I have no idea why it is in the article. What the hell, Jan? What the hell, NYT?

WHERE TO DRAW THE LINE?

Sexting is not illegal.

Damn right! It better not be illegal. It is about the best thing someone can do with a cell phone.

Two adults sending each other naughty pictures, dirty language? Just garden-variety First Amendment-protected speech.

You know it, Jan. So what are you wearing?

A November 2009 AARP article, “Sexting Not Just For Kids,” reported approvingly on the practice for older people, too. In women’s magazines and college students’ blogs, coy guides include pragmatic tips like making sure to keep your face out of the photo.

Ugh! Old people sexting?! Actually, fuck it. Get at it old people. As long as you are just sexting each other. Don’t fuck up and type a wrong number in there because that might actually be scary.

But when that sexually explicit image includes a participant — subject, photographer, distributor or recipient — who is under 18, child pornography laws may apply.

“I didn’t know it was against the law,” Isaiah said.

This is when the article gets a little iffy to me. I get what they mean that the kids are literally distributing child pornography, but at some point that can also lead a person saying that kids under the age of 18 or whatever is the legal line cannot have a sexual relationship because then it would be illegal. A 15 year old banging a 15 year old is legal, but if a 15 year old having a nude pic of that 15 year old they’re banging is illegal then I’m not sure the law makes much sense. I really don’t view this case as child pornography, but more as a gross amount of sexual harassment or just harassment in general. Those girls weren’t trying to start an illegal child porn ring. They were trying to destroy a fellow human being’s life though. That should be illegal in my opinion.

That is because culturally, such a fine distinction eludes most teenagers. Their world is steeped in highly sexualized messages. Extreme pornography is easily available on the Internet. Hit songs and music videos promote stripping and sexting.

“Take a dirty picture for me,” urge the pop stars Taio Cruz and Kesha in their recent duet, “Dirty Picture.” “Send the dirty picture to me. Snap.”

The damn technology again! Fucking Kesha and Taio Cruz! If it wasn’t for them this would have never happened! People never did stupid things before Kesha and Taio Cruz and MTV and videogames! AHHHHH!!! It makes me so mad!

In a 2010 Super Bowl advertisement for Motorola, the actress Megan Fox takes a cellphone picture of herself in a bubble bath. “I wonder what would happen if I were to send this out?” she muses. The commercial continues with goggle-eyed men gaping at the forwarded photo — normalizing and encouraging such messages.

Yeah, Jan Hoffman went there. A Super Bowl commercial that I completely forgot even happened apparently has warped all of AMERICA! Damn you Megan Fox! If only you hadn’t shot that commercial then poor petite Margarite wouldn’t have been dumb enough to send a nude photo to some boy she was going to break up with a week or two later.

“You can’t expect teenagers not to do something they see happening all around them,” said Susannah Stern, an associate professor at the University of San Diego who writes about adolescence and technology.

“They’re practicing to be a part of adult culture,” Dr. Stern said. “And in 2011, that is a culture of sexualization and of putting yourself out there to validate who you are and that you matter.”

Ok. When was the time period that kids only waited to have sex when they got married and it was ok in the eyes of the church? I’m pretty sure that kids were fucking all the time from the beginning of time. The only difference now is that they have cell phones. People want to make it seem like we’re being brain washed all the time to do shit and we have no control over our limbs. If anything we’re more prudish now than we’ve ever been. It was perfectly cool to fuck your kin for most of human history up until like the past 70 years and Jerry Lee Lewis still did it. “Great Balls of Fire”? How about “Great Balls slapping against your first cousin’s ass”? Also, she was underage… and Jerry didn’t have a cell phone, but I’m pretty sure he would have been taking some picture of his nuts if he did. It isn’t Kesha or Taio Cruz’s fault. It is the cell phone + the pervy mind of a human’s fault – if you really want to blame anything. Blame puberty and blame sex for feeling good and blame putting a camera on a cell phone and multimedia messaging.

The prevalence of under-age sexting is unclear and can often depend on the culture of a particular school or circle of students. An Internet poll conducted for The Associated Press and MTV by Knowledge Networks in September 2009 indicated that 24 percent of 14- to 17-year-olds had been involved in “some type of naked sexting,” either by cellphone or on the Internet. A December 2009 telephone poll from the Pew Research Center’s Internet and American Life Project found that 5 percent of 14- to 17-year-olds had sent naked or nearly naked photos or video by cellphone, and that 18 percent had received them. Boys and girls send photos in roughly the same proportion, the Pew survey found.

Now, I’m jealous. I was about the last group of kids who didn’t have cell phones or texting pictures when I was in middle school/high school. Sending pictures to people only started when I was like in the middle of college. I hate school, but boy would it have been a million times more fun if kids were sexting each other pictures and videos and we were showing them to each other. Plus who knows? Maybe this will help out the social dynamics of school. It is going to be popular kids sexting pictures who get passed around the most, so they get embarrassed the most and even the nerd kids could see them and laugh too. Or wouldn’t the nerds become high in the food chain because you could get the nerd to break into the hot chicks cell phones to see all their scantily pictures? Fuck! I wish I was back in school now.

But a double standard holds. While a boy caught sending a picture of himself may be regarded as a fool or even a boastful stud, girls, regardless of their bravado, are castigated as sluts.

A double standard holds? There is absolutely no proof. She just said that pictures are sent in the same ratio, so now Jan is just going on the same old speculation. I’m not saying she is wrong, but there is no proof.

Photos of girls tend to go viral more often, because boys and girls will circulate girls’ photos in part to shame them, explained Danah Boyd, a senior social media researcher at Microsoft and a fellow at Harvard University’s Berkman Center for Internet and Society.

“Tend”? If you notice, a minute ago Jan had numbers and now Jan has “tend”. Just saying this is when Jan starts to get mouthy about girls and boys and it isn’t because of the girls are sluts and boys are fools thing. Here is some truth talk – girls like other girls. How many girls do you know who are straight (yourself included) that have made out with another girl and/or done more? Now how many dudes do you know that are straight that have made out with other dudes or done more? I would imagine that number is drastically different. DRASTICALLY! That is a key reason. First and foremost, girls are a lot more interested in seeing other girls naked than dudes are with other dudes. So there is that. Plus the “shame” thing works well too because “bitches hatin’ bitches”. Girls are a lot more curious I think seeing other girls naked plus bitches hatin’ bitches.

Also, let’s be honest for a moment, a photo of a dude naked is just not as sexy as an idea as a girl being naked for one reason – dude’s are pretty much naked all time and it isn’t considered naked. Like Isaiah said he sent a picture of himself with his shirt off. Is that naked? No. It’s boring. Who hasn’t seen Isaiah without a shirt? Anyone who has had gym class with Isaiah since he was in first grade onward has seen that kid shirtless. That is not the same for girls. There is no “shirts vs. skins” policy in girls sports – there is in guys. Guys are shirtless all the time. There are more pictures of Bradley Cooper with his shirt off than there are of him with shirt on. You’re pretty much seeing what most guys have to offer almost all the time. It isn’t news. Dude’s shirtless? And then in a naked pic of a guy you get to see his junk and generally speaking that is going to be disappointing unless he’s black and then it’s just appointing. I’m not saying it can’t be sexy because I get that it can be for people who want penises all in their hands and such, but I’m just saying minus a dude showing off his bird – he could show everything else and still not be naked and still be showing off what you’ve already seen. Meanwhile, the same cannot be said for girls. Girls may wear revealing outfits, but they’re not literally walking around naked all time to the extent that dudes are.

In contrast, when a boy sends a revealing photo of himself to a girl, Dr. Boyd noted, she usually does not circulate it. And, Dr. Boyd added, boys do not tend to circulate photos of other boys: “A straight-identified boy will never admit to having naked photos of a boy on his phone.”

Never admit? CHECK MY PHONE! I don’t have dudes flashing their bird all over my phone. I’m not hoarding those pictures either. And I forgot about that! Girls will hoard pictures of dudes naked because that is theirs. That is bitches hatin’ bitches shit. Meanwhile, dudes are so proud of their accomplishments that it is difficult for them not to show them off. Like look at this! Can you believe it?! Isn’t it wonderful!?! I love life that this girl is sending me naked pictures!

Policy makers are beginning to recognize that a uniform response to these cases does not fit.

“I hate the word ‘sexting,’ ” said Andrew J. Harris, an assistant professor of criminology at the University of Massachusetts in Lowell, who is leading a study of the practice among adolescents to help develop policies to address it. “We’re talking about a lot of different behaviors and a lot of different motivations.”

There is the high-tech flirt. The troubled attention-seeker. A couple’s consensual exchanges. Drunken teenagers horsing around. Pressure from a boyfriend. Malicious distribution. A teenager who barrages another with unsolicited lewd photos or texts. Or, as in a 2009 Wisconsin case of “sextortion,” a boy, pretending to be a girl online, who solicited explicit pictures of boys, which he then used as blackmail to compel those boys to have sex with him.

WOAH! Hold on a second! Back it up. A boy posed as a girl online and got other boys to send him nude pictures of them and then got them to have sex with him because of it?! UN-FUCKING-REAL! How is that illegal?! That is incredible! Fucking good job. Good fucking job for that guy. That is unbelievable. How on Earth did he accomplish that? That should be the storyline for Mission: Impossible 5. Are you kidding me? It has to be easier to break into Fort Knox than to get a group of “straight” boys to fuck another boy because of some nude pictures. That is insane! Wow. That Wisconsin boy is either the smartest boy to ever exist and should be assigned a position as a negotiator for some high profile company… or other Wisconsin boys are the DUMBEST boys ever and all bi-curious.

The content of the photos can vary widely too, from suggestive to sadistic.

Adults in positions of authority have been debating how to respond. Many school districts have banned sexting and now authorize principals to search cellphones. According to the National Conference of State Legislatures, at least 26 states have tried to pass some sort of sexting legislation since 2009.

So principals are now looking at child pornography? Oh yeah that’s safe. I can’t remember a legal case where a person in authority over children ever used that position to have sex with them. At least 26 states have “tried”? That’s a worthless statistic. Doesn’t say “succeeded”, it says “tried”. There are states that have “tried” legislation on a whole host of topics that don’t matter and 26 is a somewhat inconsequential number unless one more than half is a really big deal to you trying. I’m also pretty positive there are other things like “drugs” that are “illegal” in states and people seem to still do it.

“The majority of states are trying to put something in place to educate kids before and after the event,” said Justin T. Fitzsimmons, a senior attorney at the National District Attorneys Association who specializes in Internet crimes against children. “We have to protect kids from themselves sometimes. We’re on the cusp of teaching them how to manage their electronic reputations.”

Agreed. This is no different than trying to handle teenage pregnancy. Explain to them about how fucking fucked up things can get it if you don’t take the precautions to avoid it and hopefully the number will drop. Hey kid, do you ever want to get a job? You do? Well don’t take pictures of yourself blowing a dildo for your 16 year old lacrosse playing boyfriend and post them on your Facebook account.

But if the Lacey students were convicted of dissemination of child pornography, they could be sentenced to up to 36 weeks in a juvenile detention center. They would be registered as sex offenders. Because they were under 15, however, after two years they could petition a court to remove their names from the registry, if they could prove they no longer posed a threat to the public.

“Could” is the key word. I love when people quote the maximum punishment for crimes as if they are the general outcome in any case. Judges can decide any punishment from as little as nothing to whatever is posted above. I know that really depends on what a fucking fucktard the judge is more than anything. But I’m just saying.

PENALTIES AND PREVENTION

Rick Peters, the prosecuting attorney, never intended for the Chinook Middle School students to receive draconian sentences. But he wanted to send a scared-straight message to them, as well as to the community.

I agree with Peters throwing a “draconian” sentence at the kids to try and scare them straight although as mentioned I don’t think it should be for child pornography and instead should be for harassment or something of the like.

Yet when the local news media storm cascaded, the outcry was not about the severe penalties for a felony sexting conviction. It was about why Mr. Peters had not also arrested Margarite.

Idiots. I’m all for Margarite having the right to make stupid mistakes. She should know better than to be 13 taking picture and sending it to some boy and I think most 13 year olds do know that to be true as mentioned in the statistics earlier that by far the majority of kids have not taken a picture of themselves naked and sent it to someone.

“She’s a victim,” Mr. Peters said. “She made an ill-advised decision to share that picture with her boyfriend. As far as she knew, that was as far as it would go.

“What good would come from prosecuting her? What lesson could we teach her that she hasn’t already learned now 1,000 times over?”

Agreed. She has received her punishment. She’s an idiot and her parents for all time can call her an idiot. Oh you won’t do your homework? Well remember that time you took a full frontal picture of yourself naked and everyone in 3 counties saw it? Yeah, I thought so.

Eventually a deal was brokered for the three teenagers who were charged. The offense would be amended from the child pornography felony to a gross misdemeanor of telephone harassment. Isaiah and the two girls who had initially forwarded Margarite’s photo would be eligible for a community service program that would keep them out of court, and the case could be dismissed.

Those three students would have to create public service material about the hazards of sexting, attend a session with Margarite to talk about what happened and otherwise have no contact with her.

What?! Their punishment was homework. Extra homework. That is bullshit. Those two chicks tried to ruin this girl’s life from that moment until she moved away forever and all they got as penalty was homework. Lame.

Those two girls should have been sentenced to some juvie or something harsh for being bitches. Literally, the verdict should have read “bitches”. The one girl did it out of sheer bitchiness and the other girl did it because she is lieutenant bitch. If the one girl said she wanted to cut Margarite’s head off with piano wire then the other girl would have hid the body.

As for Isaiah, he should have gotten something more than dumbass homework for being a dumbass. His verdict should have read guilty for being played out by some broads. What an idiot. He’s either a tall and slender idiot or he’s lying that he didn’t know those girls were going to send that picture every where. Plus a million dollar bet that Isaiah sent that pic to the one girl because he was trying to hook up with her. Why was he texting the other girl? Probably because she was trying to hook up with him to get back at Margarite.

After Margarite and her mother approved the conditions, Mr. Peters signed off, pleased.

Throughout last spring, on Monday afternoons after school, Eric Fredericks, Isaiah’s math teacher, met with the three students to help them develop their material.

What?! Where the hell did this come from? All of a sudden an 8th grade Math teacher is the sexual harassment guru? That was unexpected. I’m putting money on Eric Fredericks having sent dong pictures to someone.

Up next is my favorite part of the article…

Margarite’s former friend made a PowerPoint presentation, with slides copied from the Internet.

The younger girl made a poster dense with warnings about sexting’s consequences. She concluded: “I am a 13 year old teen that made a bad choice and got my life almost totaled forever. I regret what I did more than anything but I cant take it back.”

Isaiah created a two-page brochure, citing studies from the Internet, accompanied by a tumble of adolescent feeling:

“Not only does it hurt the people that are involved in the pictures you send, it can hurt your family and friends around you, the way they see you, the way you see yourself. The ways they feel about you. Them crying because of your mistakes.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did those kids learn their lesson? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! NO!!! THEY DID NOT!

Those girls will do that again in a heart beat. The one girl’s punishment was a power point presentation and the other’s was a piece of poster board with pictures glued to it. That’s fucking it. Meanwhile, cry baby low-key and likable Isaiah made a “brochure” and got real preachy up there.

What’s next? Hey you two who were caught fist fighting – your punishment is a book report on The Great Gatsby! Four pages and Times New Roman 12 and only single space!

Ms. Rae has yet to distribute the material. Chinook, with 630 seventh and eighth graders, still has students who know those involved in last year’s episode. She wants to give Isaiah, Margarite and the others more time to distance themselves.

While the case was on its way to resolution, prosecutors and district educators decided to put its aftershock to good use.

“After the story broke, parents called us because they didn’t know about the law that could send kids to jail for a bad choice,” said Courtney Schrieve, a spokeswoman for the North Thurston Public Schools. “Kids didn’t know about it either. So we decided to turn this into an opportunity to educate teachers, parents and students.”

In October, Ms. Rae, the police, prosecutors and Mr. Fitzsimmons of the National District Attorneys Association held separate forums about sexting for Lacey’s teachers, parents and student delegations from the four middle schools.

The students then returned to their homerooms to teach classmates what they had learned.

I’m sure that was fucking priceless and there were no giggles to be had.

Elizabeth Colón taught a session with Jon Reid. Both are eighth graders at Chinook.

“Most of the questions were about penalties,” she said. “Kids wanted to know if they would get into trouble just for receiving the picture.”

I bet there were some great “hypotheticals” thrown out there. Umm, well what if I had a friend named “John” and John got to second with a girl named “Sally” and he got Sally to take a picture with her top off because he said he wanted to remember this moment for the rest of his life or some shit and then later John sent that picture to everyone of his friends because his friends don’t believe shit unless there is visual evidence and they keep saying John is gay, but John isn’t gay because John is hooking up with Sally, but Sally’s parents are Catholic and they can’t know about Sally being a little slutty or they’ll send her to the all girls school two counties away, so that’s why John and Sally are going out on the DL and… am I going to jail?

Jon spoke about long-term consequences. “I said that people may look at you differently,” he said. “They’ll know what kind of person you were, even though you changed.”

I won’t lie, your stock might rise from a nude picture. I had no clue who Vanessa Hudgens was before those nude pictures of her showed up and now I want to see Vanessa Hudgens in everything. I watched her on Letterman, Conan and I saw Sucker Punch. I watch Letterman and Conan anyway and I would have saw Sucker Punch anyway, but if it was Julia Roberts on Letterman and/or Conan then I wouldn’t have watched. As for Sucker Punch, I’ll see any movie that Zack Snyder makes let alone one about 5 hot chicks wearing almost no clothes firing machine guns and fighting dragons with katanas.

I loved that movie by the way. Zack Snyder is a genius. And for people who are saying they don’t like it… well they must not like 5 hot chicks wearing almost no clothes firing machine guns and fighting dragons with katanas because THAT’S WHAT THE MOVIE IS! If per say, you don’t like watching movies about gay lawyers with AIDS trying to sue their former law firm for unjust firing then don’t see Philadelphia. If you’re cool with that then go see Philadelphia because it is about the best movie you’ll see. But as mentioned, if you have an aversion to hot girls with machine guns karate chopping Nazi robots then why are you seeing Sucker Punch and going out of your way to write a bad review for it? That’s the real question. And is there a way for Zack Snyder to make Sucker Punch 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7? I literally don’t ever have to see James Bond fight an international bank robber again, but Emily Browning in a school girl outfit wielding Colt .45’s and a samurai sword and kicking the shit out of demon robots… well, please more of that.

One spring evening, the three students who had been disciplined met for a mediation session with Margarite and two facilitators from Community Youth Services. The searing, painful session, which included the students’ parents and Mr. Fredericks, lasted several hours. Everyone was asked to talk about his or her role in the episode.

Mr. Fredericks listed all the people who had spent hours trying to clean the mess the students had created in a matter of seconds: police officers, lawyers, teachers, principals, hundreds of families.

Mr. Fredericks is way too involved in this in my opinion and I would do an immediate search of his computer for some questionably legal pornography.

Also, here is my second favorite part of this article…

Then it was Isaiah’s turn. He looked Margarite in the eye. “He poured his heart out,” Mr. Fredericks recalled. Isaiah said that he was ashamed of himself, but that most of all, he was sorry he had broken Margarite’s trust. Then he asked for her understanding and forgiveness. “He cried,” Mr. Fredericks said. “I choked up.”

Who DOESN’T have a crush on Isaiah? Seriously, is there a person in this story who isn’t full head over heels in puppy love over the low-key, likable, athletic, tall, slender, emotionally available Isaiah? And you know who is only more in love with Isaiah? MARGARITE! He cried for her?! She probably sent him a million pictures of herself naked after that meeting.

The former friend who had forwarded the photo, creating the uproar, was accompanied by her mortified father, an older sister and a translator. She came across as terse and somewhat perfunctory, recalled several people who were there.

BITCH! Hahahah plus the translator with the father is incredible. This is literally perfect for a Lifetime movie. Edward James Olmos as the dad? Or is it Danny Trejo’s time to go dramatic? Or we could grab one of those Chilean miners to play the Dad – half of them have entered showbiz since leaving that hole.

One of the last to speak was Margarite’s father, Dan, an industrial engineer.

“I could say it was everyone else’s fault,” Dan said. “But I had a piece of it, too. I learned a big lesson about my lack of involvement in her use of the phone and texting. I trusted her too much.”

Exactly. I trusted my daughter wasn’t slutting it up, but boy was I wrong.

He had not expected the students to be punished severely, he continued. But they needed to understand that their impulsive actions had ramifications.

“When you walk out of here tonight, it’s over, you’re done with it,” he said, looking around the room.

“Keep in mind that the only person this will have a lasting impact on,” he concluded, is his daughter.

Truth. Dan knows what’s up.

The photo most certainly still exists on cellphones, and perhaps on social networking sites, readily retrievable.

“She will have to live with this for the rest of her life.”

THE VICTIM

When the police were finished questioning Margarite at Chinook in January 2010, her mother, a property manager, laid down the law. For the time being, no cellphone. No Internet. No TV.

And get this kid a hobby. What is Margarite up to? Give the girl an oboe instead of a cell phone. Maybe we can blame the schools for cutting after school programs. These kids should be playing kickball and if they were maybe they wouldn’t be sexting … they would just be making out while the coach isn’t looking during kickball.

Margarite, used to her father’s indulgence and unfettered access to technology, was furious.

I bet Dan said something like “well, I seem to remember the last time you were around some technology you took a picture of yourself NAKED!”

But the punishment insulated Margarite from the wave of reaction that surged online, in local papers and television reports, and in texted comments by young teenagers throughout town. Although the police and the schools urged parents to delete the image from their children’s phones, Antoinette heard that it had spread to a distant high school within a few days.

The repercussions were inescapable. After a friend took Margarite skating to cheer her up, he was viciously attacked on his MySpace page. Kids jeered, telling him to change schools and go with “the whore.”

Jeez! And by “kids” they mean “girls”. Why would a guy post that? Hey man, you going out with Margarite? I saw the picture, pretty sweet. Good luck with that. Oh yeah, and whore! Get out of here whore! … Guys don’t talk like that. Guys might advise another guy to get too attached to a girl who has a “whorish” background, but they’re definitely not anti it. This isn’t exactly the same or anything, but I know a few friends of mine who have dated or hooked up regular with strippers and the reaction is overwhelmingly positive. Good job. We’re not like “get out of here whore lover!”

The school to which Margarite had transferred when she moved back in with her mother was about 15 miles away. She badly wanted to put the experience behind her. But within weeks she was recognized. A boy at the new school had the picture on his cellphone. The girls began to taunt her: Whore. Slut.

Seriously, bitches. A girls are girls’ worst enemy. Here and there dudes do some fucked up stuff, but day-to-day girls are just constantly chopping away at each other.

Margarite felt depressed. Often she begged to stay home from school.

In January, almost a year to the day when her photo went viral, she decided to transfer back to her old district, where she figured she at least had some friends.

The devil you know…

The episode stays with her still. One recent evening in her mother’s condominium, Margarite chatted comfortably about her classes, a smile flashing now and then. But when the moment came to recount the events of the winter before, she slipped into her bedroom, shutting the door.

As Antoinette spoke about what had happened, the volume on the television in Margarite’s room grew louder.

Fuck! They gave her a TV again!?! You know what that means – Kesha and Taio Cruz are going to get to her again!

Finally, she emerged. The smell of pizza for supper was irresistible.

Kids love pizza… just a little more than they love taking full frontal pictures of themselves and sending them to each other without a thought of repercussions.

What is it like to be at school with her former friend?

“Before I switched back, I called her,” Margarite said. “I wanted to make sure the drama was squashed between us. She said, were we even legally allowed to talk? And I said we should talk, because we’d have math together. She apologized again.”

Boom. Math. Fuck you law! We have math together. Also, it’s a good move that Margarite is keeping her enemy pretty close because Lord knows that friend has that picture of Margarite saved on every piece of storage technology known to man. I bet she has a flash drive with that picture of Margarite naked hidden in a thousand different secret compartments throughout her house like she was Thomas Jane in The Punisher.

What advice would Margarite give anyone thinking of sending such a photo?

She blushed and looked away.

Shave first and … I’m joshing.

“I guess if they are about to send a picture,” she replied, laughing nervously, “and they have a feeling, like, they’re not sure they should, then don’t do it at all. I mean, what are you thinking? It’s freaking stupid!”

Well, she’s still really not against taking nude photos of herself being underage and all still, so I guess lesson unlearned.

Yeah, and we’re done!

Thank you, Jan Hoffman. Thank you, New York Times! Thank you, Petite Margarite.

Friday! Weekend! Friday! Weekend! Questions! Answers! Friday! Weekend!

Last night, I was in New York City and I saw Donald Glover from Community do an hour and a half of stand-up for his Comedy Central hour special Weirdo, which seemingly should be on TV later this year like in the Summer time.

A few thoughts:

1. If you’re an indie rock girl and you say you don’t want to have sex with Donald Glover then you’re racist… and a lying.

2. Donald Glover is tiny, muscular and shapely. I have eyes.

3. Funny funny dude. Very funny. The special will definitely be a great watch.

4. The theater offered beers for sale, but it also offered small bottles of red and white wine… and Prosecco. Hipsters!

5. If you’re curious, he didn’t do any Childish Gambino stuff.

Friday Question: Tigers rule (clearly). If you could be any predatory animal to attack and kill freely and then lie around sleeping and occasionally having sex, which one would you be?

On the top of the list would be jungle cats. I’m not sure how I can decide between a lion and a tiger and a jaguar and a panther and a cheetah and so forth. It would be like having to choose my favorite between my children. My quadruped, razor sharp claws having, furry, big ass teeth having, an incredible grace and power, and ferociously dangerous children. I feel like lions or tigers may be the most social of the creatures, so that would be cool. Just hanging out in the African plains with some lions and then every once in awhile a Jeep Wrangler will dart me and I’ll wake up a few hours later with my claws clipped, whiskers trimmed, teeth cleaned and a new earring.

I think being a bear would be cool, but it seems like a pretty Thoreau existence. A lot of alone time with my thoughts. Also, it’s kind of a thieving life style as bears root through trash and steal picnic baskets. Lastly, I like fish. I do eat salmon, but all the time? That’s going to get annoying. I need some variety.

Friday Question: Captain America trailer. Thoughts? Did weird skinny CGI Chris Evans creep you out as much as it did me?

I was really down on this whole movie, but I’m kind of turning around on this after seeing this trailer. It looks way better than I was expecting. The 30 second TV spot this movie had on the Super Bowl didn’t show too much footage and I was not excited. But the more footage I see the more I like it. The one thing though is trailers are complete liars. They have made me fall in love with movies that suck so many times. Trailers you break my heart!

But I am excited for the movie now. Right now, I think it looks better than Iron Man. The CGI Chris Evans is creepy, but it is necessary. I think it looks a lot better than Evans wearing an over-sized sweatshirt and baggy pants and trying to pretend like we can’t see his ginormous muscles underneath everything. For instance, in the movie Faster – the way they made The Rock look 10 years younger was put The Rock in a knit cap and zip-up sweatshirt. That was literally it. The Rock with hat on is 10 years younger. The Rock with hat off is 10 years older. Incredible.

The one shot of Chris Evans dressed as Captain America walking into that bad guy hideout and he has the shield and he is shooting a gun and everything and it makes me want to have spoon sex with America… more than I do usual.

Also, Hugo Weaving is the bad guy and he’s great. And the Tommy Lee Jones speech sounds great in the trailer.

I’m allowing myself to get excited for it. Right now, I think it could be better than Iron Man that’s its zenith. But it could suck… who knows? Shit happens.

Here’s your Friday question: What’s the weirdest meat you’ve ever eaten?

I’ve had cow’s tongue. But that isn’t toooooo weird. In Beijing, I did eat some sea slug or something that was the weirdest thing I have ate. It was disgusting and it was in a peanut sauce. It was green and had thorns. It apparently gave me strength, virility and good fortune. Which I’m waiting to cash-in on every-motherfucking-day. WHERE IS MY FORTUNE?!!! Stupid sea slug.

Shouldn’t this post have included actors who would’ve been good in the movie? So I don’t have to think about it myself all day on no-post Wednesday?

I don’t know who I would be OK with outside of that Harrison Ford/Daniel Day Lewis when they were in high school combo. I’ll still say this that Zac Efron should be “Light” if they actually make that Death Note anime/manga into a live-action movie. And I will say if they are going to make a Naruto adaptation then they need to grab Chloe Morentz to play Sakura or some chick. She showed she can handle action scenes in Kick Ass. And if they ever make Bleach into a movie then there is absolutely no one else who should play Rangiku than Diora Baird. That’s a fucking fact and a half.

In all honesty, I hope they don’t make any of these movies live action and I would rather people just learn to appreciate how great anime/manga is instead of waiting for some perverse shitty live action version. Like Naruto Shippuden is fucking inconceivably great at times. It is a great great show and when it’s on it’s on like Donkey Kong. It is so fucking good. Sasuke vs. Itachi?!!! Holy shit that was amazing! I some times try to imagine the show as a live action, but it wouldn’t be half as good. They couldn’t recreate the madness in real life nearly as fluidly as it moves in the animation.

I feel like you might be giving Ke$ha a little too much credit… but I also feel like I don’t care because YOU’RE RIGHT. Does the fact that she may not be aware that she’s the greatest existentialist ever change anything? Or, does it make her even more existential because she doesn’t even bother to take the time to consider herself that?

Truth.

I’m not saying Kesha is the greatest existentialist mind in popular culture right now. But name one better? That’s what I’m saying.

Like I’m not saying Dave Grohl is the coolest guy walking the Earth, but name 4 better. Name 4 guys cooler than Dave Grohl – I think it is impossible.

And with those philosophical queries…

I bid you adieu…

And have a great weekend!

WEEKEND!

Shot shot shot shot shot shots!

EVERYBODY!

It is time to be honest here for a moment, just for a simple and solitary moment and then we can go straight back to all those beautifully orchestrated webs of lies! But first, some truth…

I eat animals.

BOOM!

I said it. Truth bomb. That was a Tomahawk truth missile to your eyes and ears and brains that came from my mouth and pants. It is a truth bomb that exploded inside you and now you have indigestion because of it.

I eat animals.

I eat ’em up real good.

I don’t eat professionally or anything. I actually eat them voluntarily. I don’t get paid or nothing. I actually pay to eat them! You know what I’m saying?!!!!!

Seriously, I eat animals. And they’re delicious. Thankfully, they’re nutritious as well.

The other day, I was readying about someone and they mentioned they were a vegetarian. What? What the fuck?! Really?! Just vegetables? Are you nuts?!!!

This wasn’t the first time I’ve heard of these people. Yes, THESE people. And sadly, I understand that it won’t be the last. I fully understand there is preference out there and there is choice out there and people make stupid choices all the time. Have you ever typed “bad tattoos” into Google? Those people did that WILLINGLY! And it goes on forever! People love making terrible choices. Love it. I saw I Am Number Four and Adjustment Bureau and Take Me Home Tonight and it’s only MARCH! How many more terrible choices will I make this year? Who knows? It is limitless! Actually, I’ll never see Limitless. That looks too awful. As awful as I would imagine living the life of a vegetarian.

SERIOUSLY?! Vegetables don’t taste that good. I’ve had them. But vegetables are from dirt and are absolutely no different than trees or grass. Do you eat trees? Do you eat grass? Why even bother going to the store to get “iceberg lettuce” when you have free grass everywhere? Just get the lawnmower out, attach a lawnmower bag, check if there is the proper gas in the lawn mower engine… I’ll skip to the part where you have finished mowing the lawn and then you washed all that grass in the sink in a colander and now you are eating it with a nice balsamic vinaigrette dressing. Besides a “tasty” lunch, you also cut your lawn, which can help with the resale value.

But me… ME! I’m eating the hearty meat that grass and weeds and bark from trees do not provide.

Simple question to those vegetarians… have you ever had a cheeseburger?

HAVE YOU?!

OH MAN!

Have you had a bacon cheeseburger?!!!!

FUCKING HELL!!!!

OH MAN IT IS SOOOOO GOOD!!!

Have you had a bacon cheeseburger with… a beer?

OH SWEET JESUS!!! SWEET JESUS THIS IS WHAT HEAVEN FEELS LIKE IN MY MOUTH!!!!

TWO ANIMALS! Two animals are involved in that bacon cheeseburger!

That’s right. You can stack them. You can double them. You can have ham and turkey and bacon and chicken and then some beef and all that. It never ends. And I’m not even stopping you from throwing your dirt vegetables on top of it. Eat the bacon and the cheese and the burger with onions, tomatoes, lettuce, pickles, peppers and whatever else you feel is necessary or unnecessary.

It’s so good. Have you eaten a steak?

Like an actual steak?

Or fried chicken?

Or just chicken in general with maybe some barbecue sauce?

Or a honey baked ham?

FUCK!

Look at what you’re missing?! Cantaloupe can go fuck itself in its non-existent ass! Fuck you watermelon! Fuck you! Oh you’re sweet? Oh you’re watery? Sweet water? You’re giving up on eating the greatest meal of your life for some sweet water and pulp?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?! OH IT IS INSANITY!

Let me take a moment and say that if you are a vegetarian for allergy or some sort of health reasons then it is perfectly acceptable. Don’t fuck with your health. I respect that. I have family members who had to become vegetarian for health reasons and I get that. I just want to throw that out there. My olive branch to you where you can eat the olives in peace and I won’t disturb that process. But if you are a vegetarian for any other reasons that really revolve around choice…

WHAT IN THE HELL?!

Why?! Why would you subject yourself to this mental and physical torture? We’ve been eating animals for thousands of years? Other animals eat other animals? Are they supposed to stop that? I don’t get it.

We’re animals. Animals eat other animals unless you’re animal like a cow who is supposed to be eaten and they eat grass. Maybe if cows got some animal in their diet and not just stupid grass then they would be able to become more than just living dinner targets for every other animal walking around. Imagine a whole world of lazy eyed cow people running the government? We’d all be dead! They would become so passive about everything they would just cower in fear and trip and fall and not be able to get back up again and the whole human race would die because all we were were grass eaters.

Look at a tiger.

LOOK AT IT!

They’re powerful and majestic and wonderful.

Are they vegetarians?

Are there vegetarian tigers out there ruling the metaphorical jungle roost?

There are probably a couple vegetarian tigers. They wear scarves and drink macchiattos and think pumpkin is the coolest thing ever and carry a messenger bag full of their shitty poetry and they think everyone is a fascist and their jeans are too tight.

No one questions tigers and their right to meat and I am just an evolved tiger. I am a tiger who understands suburban lifestyle and how to drive a car and what a DVR is and where to download music on the internet and meat is better cooked than raw from the carcass of the animal I just killed.

But what else?

What ELSE?!

I hear a lot of vegetarians make the point about cruelty towards animals. They’re against cruelty towards animals.

Well… so am I.

I don’t want to be cruel to animals. Not at all!

I’m not visiting cow farms during my spare time and heckling cows while they graze. Hey you fat cow! I’m going to eat you later. You look like you gained some weight since the last time I saw you. You also look stupid, cow. I bet your parents are thoroughly disappointed in you, cow. I bet they were hoping you would be a doctor cow like your older brother, but look at you! You’re just a waste! Standing here eating grass. Lazy motherfucking cow!

I don’t do that.

I wouldn’t dream of doing that. That is cruel. That is not something I’m into.

I’m not pulling elaborate pranks on chickens. I’m not telling a chicken that I’m going to throw a birthday party for said chicken because that chicken rules so much they deserve a birthday party. I’m not sending around an evite on Facebook telling everyone about this birthday party I’m throwing for this chicken and this chicken is getting so excited because everyone is replying “Yes” to the evite. And then without the chicken’s knowledge I tell everyone that the party is canceled, but I don’t tell the chicken it is canceled and the chicken shows up at the venue all excited where its best chicken clothes and then no one shows up and they feel like the biggest loser chicken ever. I’m not doing that! I’m not doing that at all.

That’s cruel.

I’m not sleeping with a pig’s girlfriend. Making out with her right in front of him. Stealing his girlfriend right in front of him and then dumping her the minute she breaks the pig’s heart. I’m not doing that type of stuff.

That’s cruel stuff.

I’m just trying to eat them.

You know? I’m not looking to do cruel things to them while they’re living.

Sure at some point, I’m in favor of us killing them and then us eating them and I guess in that respect that sounds cruel, but in all seriousness it’s not like that pig was growing up to be a brain surgeon. I mean if he was… or she was… then that might be a different story. I’m just saying the statistics that a farm animal grows up to be a high level practicing surgeon is pretty low. Like low enough that I’m willing to take the chance on killing that chicken and eating it before we find out if its potential was to become an elite endocrinologist.

I’m just saying we’re higher up on the food chain.

Our ancestors ate meat for thousands of years and got us to the point where we have civilizations all over the world, running water, the internet, the season finale of The Jersey Shore and I think eating meat has played a vital role in all of it.

And I know for a fact, that if I was still ass naked running around the African plains that no cow hopped up on the blood lust from tasting human would take a second thought about charging me down and eating me if given the opportunity.

Just picture that.

Plus plants are living things and you’re just gobbling them up and forgetting that.

Just lining up all these living corns in rows and chopping whole families down at once and laughing and laughing and laughing while you do it. Or raising tomatoes in a garden. Just making sure they grow up all nice in a little patch with all their family members. Making sure they ripen perfectly on the vine and watering them and giving them food in their soil. And then you KILL EM. You cut them down one right after another with a pair of scissors or you just tear them off the vine with your hands!

Sadistic vegetarians.

Questions.

Have you ever read a book?

Let’s say you have. You enjoy said book. You enjoy it a lot. Enough to recommend it to others to read and you quote it and you remember it fondly when speaking about things you enjoy in life.

Imagine some time goes by. It could be months or even years. News spreads that a movie adaptation will be made of this book that you enjoyed so much.

Your feelings are mixed. You are uncertain about whether or not this book should even be made into a movie. It is a complicated book. It also might be too much for just a single movie. Can they really do all of it justice in a single movie. But maybe they can. Maybe they can hire a competent director who understands how direct this subject matter. Maybe they’ll hire actors that will embody these fictional characters you have read about. Maybe just maybe when you read that the producers are big fans of the book and so is the director and maybe the actors haven’t read the book, but they’re so eager to be in the movie and in that moment you start to think it is possible this could all work because if they like the book that much then wouldn’t they also want a great movie adaptation be made?

Now, here comes the twist…

THEY FUCKING HATE THE BOOK!!!!!

THEY HIRE A BAD DIRECTOR AND EVERY ACTOR THEY INTERVIEW MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!!!!!

NOW ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS FORGE A PACT WITH ACTUAL FANS OF THE BOOK AND STORM THE HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STUDIO GATES AND START A MARXIST BLOODY REVOLUTION SOLELY TO STOP THEM FROM MAKING THIS MOVIE AND THEN BURY ALL THE REMAINING COPIES IN AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER SO NO OTHER MOVIE STUDIO EXEC CAN GET TO THEM AND GET THE BRIGHT IDEA OF RUINING THIS FUCKING BOOK!!!!

So, I’m 100% positive you all have experienced this.

I’m positive it has happened with original source material that isn’t just a book.

It could be a comic book, it could be a video game, it could be an old movie, an old TV show, a cartoon show, an amusement park ride, a line of plastic action figures, or maybe some smiley actor somewhere sees a series of chalk drawings on a street and some bumbling writer who wants to be liked by that famous smiley actor writes a screenplay based on those chalk drawings and some studio executive who has zero intelligent ideas in his head, but is allowed to keep his job because Rob Schneider movies make more money than they cost, decides to produce that screenplay written by that writer impressing the idiot actor based a set of chalk drawings some child made on the sidewalk and now that child’s imagination has been perverted for all mankind to see.

Maybe that happens all the time.

And it is happening again.

So this guy…

… Leonardo DiCaprio has a production company called Appian Way. It is probably called that because Mr. Leo wants to assure us so very much he is more than just his pwetty little face, but he also has a pwetty little bwain behind that face. Have you ever seen that guy’s twitter? We get it! The world is fucked up and there are a million charities out there for us to donate to to I guess fix the problems. What a buzzkill?

Appian Way and Leo own the writes to this…

Akira. This is the manga aka comic book, which is what the story was originally in. But like almost all mangas that receive any popularity, it was turned into this…

A movie. An anime aka cartoon movie to be exact. As mentioned, pretty much all manga that receives any popularity is turned into an animated TV show or movie.

The manga started in 1982 and ran regularly until 1990.

The anime movie came out in 1988.

Of the two, the movie is much more popular.

I love the movie.

Love it.

LOVE IT.

LOVE IT!

Do you know how people talk about the love of their life or how magical it was to witness their child being born or really if you talk to any dog owner about their dogs or if you ask someone who has Daughtry, Creed, Taylor Swift and Trace Adkins CDs in their car and you ask them about Jesus?

That’s the type of love I feel for this movie.

Why? Because it is amazing.

That’s pretty simple because it kind of started the influx of Japanese anime to America that’s how much people liked it. It’s not just me. It’s like everyone.

The story is set in a futuristic Japan a few decades post Word War III. The city is Neo Tokyo. Their city is filled with political problems, criminal problems and religious problems as one would expect – all while taking place in this shiny big building city. The main characters are high school kids who are also a local motorcycle gang. Hmmmm… well, I don’t want to really ruin anything too much, but it is a science fiction fantasy and it turns out the government has been futzing around with kids who have telepathic and telekinetic powers and let’s just say that Akira was the strongest of them and things didn’t end to well for Akira.

The movie centers on Kaneda (the leader of this motorcycle gang of misfit high schoolers) and Tetsuo (his right hand man and best friend). Kaneda is the good guy. Tetsuo discovers he has mental powers and becomes a destructive God like menace … so the villain.

Ok, so back to the point at hand… they’re making this into a live action movie because no one has been clamoring for it for the past 23 years. This guy…

… is making it into a live action movie.

It has been rumored for years that someone was going to make it into a live action movie

It has been rumored for years that Leonardo DiCaprio et al had the rights to do so.

It has been hoped by me at least that it would never actually come to pass, but sadly God has turned a deaf ear to my prayers (Steelers not winning the Superbowl, Jon Jones beating the shit out of Shogun on Saturday) and is giving these people a green light to take $200 million or so (it literally will cost a shit ton of money – people blow up tanks in this movie with their minds and also raise a colossal structure from the ground with their mind… let’s just say it isn’t a bunch of slap fights and spooning) to make what will be a phenomenal atrocity.

First piece of bad news:

They are making it.

I really can’t think of a way this will be a good movie with actors and CGI and such. Some things just make more sense as a cartoon. Some things would lose their impact with some dickhead pretending to be the cartoon character.

Second piece of bad news:

A few weeks ago, Appian Way chose the director for this abomination – Albert Hughes.

Did they give you a solid – who? Because for most it should.

Albert directed Menace II Society, Dead Presidents, a documentary about pimps called American Pimp… let’s stop right there. Is anyone else starting to get why I’m pretty positive this guy can’t handle making a movie that is on the same scale as The Matrix and I’m talking about all 3 Matrix movies in one movie? Then he directed From Hell, which was an adaptation of a comic book and it sucked. It was one of those Johnny Depp movies that you didn’t see and shouldn’t see. Lastly, Albert took off from the movie biz of directing for 9 years, but then came back to direct The Book of Eli. Well thanks for that.

So did any of you actually see The Book of Eli and think to yourself – you know this guy needs to be given a lot more money to direct more substandard movies? I imagine not. Nevertheless, here he is.

Not happy with Albert. It is not necessarily personal about Albert, but unless they are changing the plot of Akira to be set in South Central LA and it will focus on a motorcycle gang of black youths who decide to supplement their income by becoming pimps then I don’t understand why he is directing this movie.

Third piece of bad news:

Yesterday, it was announced who the “front runners” for the main character roles of Kaneda and Tetsuo are… and here we go…

To play the role of Kaneda – a charismatic high school motorcycle gang leader who is takes it upon himself to stop his best friend at all costs because that best friend is now Superman with a bloodlust:

Garrett Hedlund, Michael Fassbender, Chris Pine, Justin Timberlake and Joaquin Phoenix

holding back my own vomit, so I can also post the other choices for Tetsuo…

To play the role of Tetsuo – an insecure lieutenant in the high school motorcycle gang who is suddenly thrust into a world of super powers that drive him insane with hallucinations and freak abilities that he uses to try and bring about at first a slaughter and second possibly the end of the world as he loses grip of his own mind thinking he is becoming a God:

Robert Pattinson, Andrew Garfield and James McAvoy

I’m so thoroughly depressed.

So utterly thoroughly depressed.

Why?!

Let’s get this out of the way, IT’S IN FUCKING JAPAN!!!!!

None of these cracker ass honkies seem to be even remotely Japanese.

Let’s get that out of the way, that Hollywood still believes in white washing movies. Let’s get it out of the way and say that Leonardo DiCaprio as worldly as he is is simply taking a Japanese product and making it terrible and throwing a shit ton of white actors in it. Let’s just say that. That is the first knock on it as well as many other movies, but I had to get that out of the way. Because it is just so blatant. Like when they were making Dragon Ball Z into a movie (let’s pretend they didn’t actually make that movie though) I was ok with them making the main character white because he’s not Japanese – he’s an alien. He’s an alien who lives in Japan. An alien from another planet and he can be white because who knows what an alien looks like. They could just be white people. Who knows? But these people are not aliens. They’re Japanese people who live in Japan. Anyway…

FUCKING ROB PATTINSON?!!!

Are you kidding me?

These fucking names are literally off of some agencies list. It is just a list of names of the white dudes who are making movies right now that movie studios are pushing. That’s it. Not the most talented guys out there, just guys who are out there. Let’s pretend Joaquin’s name isn’t up there and this is just a list of guys who just came out in a movie or are going to be in a movie in the next month. That’s it! That is fucking it! It is despicable.

Besides that…

Actually, look at the names and think of anything really in common with these guys outside of they are good looking white guys who are in movies this minute?

If you were making a movie right now and thought Garret Hedlund would be PERFECT for the lead role, but he has scheduling conflicts… would the next person on your list be Michael Fassbender? Or Justin Timberlake? Or Joaquin Phoenix? I guess Chris Pine and Hedlund have a similar “we look like we were the good looking guy from your high school” appeal, but not even. Hedlund is supposedly a male lead, but the best thing he ever did in a movie was die in Four Brothers. He is supposed to be the emotional lead because he can cry. He’s got this soft side about him. He’s been hurt. Meanwhile, Pine is pretty typical I’m a guy’s guy boyishly good looking guy, which no guy has ever actually been friend’s with.

Michael Fassbender? Timberlake?! JOAQUIN PHOENIX?!!!! What the fuck?!

Let’s look at some ages here…

Hedlund – 27, Pine – 31, Fassbender – 34 (going on 40 – he is an older looking dude), J-Tim – 30, and lastly, Joaquin Phoenix – 37! THIRTY SEVEN and he’s going to be in high school?! Are you fucking shitting me?!

Oh but they’re not going to be in high school… they’re going to rewrite that. Oh really? Shocking! They’re already changing the script already already already already!!!! It kind of loses some impact in the story when the Japanese military is targeting a fucking kid to destroy with missiles and lasers and nuclear weapons when you change it to a 30 year old dude!!!!! KIND OF LOSES SOME OF THE INNOCENCE OF THE CHARACTER WHEN THE GUY LEGITIMATELY COULD HAVE A CHILD WHO SHOULD PLAY THE PART INSTEAD OF THEMSELVES!!!!

Unless that is… that the 30 year old Kaneda is not going to be in high school, but Tetsuo is still going to be in high school… so let’s check out those guys…

Rob Pattinson (since it is working swimmingly that he is a high schooler in Twilight) – 25, Andrew Garfield (since “everyone” is completely on board with this Spiderman re-up) – 28, James McAvoy – 32.

FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL?!!!!

So they’ve changed it from high school to adults. That’s great. Kind of changes a huge part of the story. It becomes less interesting that an older group of males has a motorcycle gang fighting to the death on the streets instead of a group of 16 year olds. Kind of changes that a bit. Kind of changes it a bit that all the talk of them being orphans. If you’re a 30 year old and you’re still talking about being an orphan then you need to grow the fuck up. But a 16 year old kid who remembers vividly because it was a couple years earlier he was in these weird foster homes and bonded with other kids to survive from bullying there and then they decide to make a motorcycle gang when they get old enough to have motorcycles, which is only a couple years later… yeah that makes a world of difference then a bunch of dude who should have gotten their shit together and got a job or started a family traipsing around on bikes fighting other gangs.

Getting back to Tetsuo for a second… so Rob Pattinson can’t act. I’m sure you have all seen that. He plays this mealy mouthed brooder in the Twilight movies… and Remember Me and… in Water for Elephants. He does a lot of “looking”, but not a lot of “talking” because he CAN’T ACT!

Meanwhile, Andrew Garfield strikes fear in the heart of … no one. Seriously, who is afraid of Andrew Garfield? Andrew Garfield could have a gun and I wouldn’t care. What the fuck is Andrew Garfield going to do? Is he going to scare me with his fluffy hair? FUCK YOU! You know why Andrew Garfield, Jesse Eisenberg and Justin Timberlake were great as douchey, non-athletic, passive aggressive, nerds in The Social Network? 1. because David Fincher is a great director. 2. BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL THOSE THINGS. They look like those guys. They look like guys who would have their lawyers handle their battles for them. That’s the fucking point. Now, I’m supposed to be afraid of Andrew Garfield? Tetsuo becomes an Angel of Death in Akira and Andrew Garfield is going to play him? Get the fuck out of here.

And, James McAvoy? I guess they’ve given him one role with psychic powers – why not another? Hey, what does James McAvoy look like to you? A boy-man from the UK who really wants the hot girl, but ends up with the artsy chick who actually is really hot as well? No! He looks like a dude who can fuck shit up with his MIND!!!!!! Fuck… you.

And back to Kaneda for a moment…

Besides wild age discrepancies…

Garret Hedlund sucks. Sucks is a strong word, but its pretty close. He is not our action hero. I saw Tron and he sucked in Tron. He sucks. I’m hoping he pulls it off in On The Road, but really how hopeful can I be. I’ve seen his damn movies and he is the same dude in every movie – a guy who looks like he played football, but he cries a lot. That worked in Friday Night Lights because that was literally his role, but that role hasn’t changed and the movies have and it hasn’t worked.

Chris Pine is … I don’t know. I don’t care either. Out of all of them he makes the most sense as Kaneda. But I don’t like this bullshit. He doesn’t look like he’s from Japan or in high school nor does he look like he runs a motorcycle gang.

Fassbender is way too fucking old for this movie. Also, I haven’t seen a movie where I think Fassbender should be the lead. He was great in Inglorious Basterds for that side role, but that’s it. He is not my hero riding a motorcycle and shooting a laser rifle and saving the world because fucking look at him!

Timberlake … did you read that last sentence or any of the sentences I’ve written? Timberlake in a motorcycle gang? Timberlake shooting laser rifles? Timberlake is a leader of any group of people even including the Mickey Mouse Club? That’s fucking right! Justin Timberlake couldn’t even lead the Mickey Mouse Club how the hell is he supposed to lead a motorcycle gang that saves the world in a post-war future society … in JAPAN!

Joaquin Phoenix… this honestly must be a joke. Is he playing their dad? Is he Tetsuo’s dad? Is he the local colorful character who they get advice from at the pub?

What the fuck?!

Could you imagine any of them actually interacting as a motorcycle gang?!

Timberlake giving orders to Rob Pattinson… FUCKING KILL ME NOW!

Social Network 2 with Tims and Garfield.

James McAvoy fighting Joaquin Phoenix with their minds!

Ugh…

Just…

Fucking…

Don’t.

Just take the money you would spend on this garbage movie and give it to one of those charities you keep trying to siphon money out of me for and make everyone much happier.
Ok.
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