March Is For Drinking And You’ll Want To Be Drunk To See These Movies

March 1, 2011

The Oscars are over.

Jennifer Lawrence has exchanged that curvy red dress for boring ole’ wranglers. Scarlet Johannson is out of that wet dream skin tight lace dress and on a date with some jackass Hollywood actor who you could never compete with even though he’s like 5’2″ in real life and his favorite book Like Water For Chocolate, which means he’s gay. Mila Kunis has returned her maybe their are nips popping out dress for t-shirts and supposedly the sweaty cheese smelling arms of Super Bowl winning quarterback and WCW Heavyweight Champion Aaron Rogers. Natalie Portman has let her silk purple of royalty dress fall from her tiny frame and lay on the floor and was replaced with much haste maternity clothes because that baby belly was not James Cameron CGI. Lastly, Hailee Steinfeld being led by her watcher, Cate Blanchett’s, hand was taken back to the mystical realm of Gondalla from which they originate.

But there are still movies.

Yes, there are still movies even though all those lovely ladies have disrobed… just think about that for a second… and then reclothed back into their insular boring lives of normal clothes, that does not mean the movie industry is gone. In fact, the movie industry is trying to get better this month. With all the dullard films from February, it is March’s duty to begin the process of easing us into what the movie studios believe are movies that you all want to see.

And with that…

MARCH MOVIE PREVIEWS!!!!! HOLLA!!!!

From what I could tell, there are 12 movies coming out this most drunken month of drunken months that will be in wide release. There are plenty of independent and smaller films that are coming out this month, but most of you won’t see them, hear of them, have a chance to see them or even have the chance of seeing an advertisement to go see them if you had the inspiration to drive 50 miles to find an arthouse theater to see the movie in as if this was me circa 2005 in college and being beaten to death with Sonic fast food commercials even though the closest Sonic was in rural Virginia. Nevertheless, there are other movies out there that are coming out, but you probably won’t see a marketing campaign trying to brainwash you into seeing it.

So… without further ado

The Adjustment Bureau

Have you ever heard of the phrase “Divine Creator”? Or have you ever felt like there was some greater power in the world that guides us towards an ultimate goal in our lives? Did you think that was God? Well, it is not. Apparently, it is the extras from Mad Men being led by John Slattery of Mad Men who make you spill coffee on yourself for no apparent reason and then later that day you get to witness some random dude slip on a patch of ice with groceries in his hands from a safe enough distance that you do not have to help him and you can laugh freely without judgment. There is a path for everyone and these men live behind the scenes creating that path. Why? I guess you’ll have to see the movie and find out, or you could watch any number of movies with a similar storyline like Dark City, Matrix, and in some regard last year’s Inception.

Who are these fedora wearing super powered people trying to corral this time? Matt Damon and Emily Blunt. Damon is a politician I believe and Blunt a dancer. The thing is they were supposed to never meet a second time and now Damon is in love with her or just really wants to get it in… her and the 4 piece suited John Slattery (3 piece suit plus the fedora = 4 piece) doesn’t like that. Right fucking there is science fiction fantasy nuttiness. I couldn’t care less that John Slattery and a bunch of background characters from Revolutionary Road can bend floor boards and stop time with their mind. But keep Matt Damon and Emily Blunt from getting it on? Are you kidding me?

They look exactly like they should go together. Like pieces in a puzzle. Here is one white beautiful piece and another white beautiful piece – oh look they’re perfect in each other. It’s more sci-fi that Damon is married to whoever he is married to and that Blunt is married to Jim Halpert than the other way around with Damon and Blunt getting dog dirty with their baby making. Blunt is a very attractive classy British lassy and Matt Damon is a handsome successful actor who was in The Talented Mr. Ripley and The Bourne Trilogy, which I’m pretty sure means he’s a child of the world. Ok.

I’ve seen a couple good reviews for the movie. It looks a little too dramatic and leaning more romance than action like other movies of the ilk. But at the very least the movie looks good. It looks well made. It’s a Matt Damon movie that doesn’t have the word “Ocean’s” in it, which means how bad could it actually be.

Beastly

Please don’t see this movie. Just don’t. It probably won’t be hard to restrain yourselves from doing it, but you need to restrain the teen girls of the world from seeing this and also them forcing some unlucky teen boy to see it. I am 27 years old which means it is illegal for me to interact with a teenager on any level. Even me throwing a bucket of water on a teenager who spontaneously was engulfed in flames would be seen as suspect. I’m just saying that you ladies out there have the ability to talk to teens and more so restrain than and maybe kidnap them altogether. Keep them from seeing this shit movie.

Alex Pettyfer isn’t done with us this year. He really tore up the screen last month in I Am Number 4 and now here he is with heroin track marks running up his neck and face. Beastly? He looks like Michael Stipe from the cover of any of his less acclaimed work. The movie is that Alex Pettyfer is rich and banging bitches left and right, which would make many believe this is a documentary, but in fact Vanessa Hudgens comes along and she doesn’t want him. BOOM! Let the science fiction begin! This is also followed by some random chick putting a hex on Pettyfer (also documentary because I bet that happened to Alex before – why was his house recently on fire? a hex) that makes him get weirder looking like any miscellaneous vampire from the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV show and at the same time he has to convince Vanessa Hudgens to get on dat or he’ll be stuck like a freak for the rest of his life.

These movies make absolutely no sense. So Vanessa Hudgens would rather date some gloom and doom, tribal tattoo on his alopecia head guy versus a young, rich, in great shape, good looking spiky blonde haired guy who throws parties and he’s famous and so forth. Yeah, that’s science fiction. Either way, this movie looks terrible and is trying to cash in on the Twilight franchise which means it is pandering towards you people which means you should feel offended which means you should go kidnap teens to stop them from seeing this movie and Vanessa Hudgens needs to start taking dirty cell phone pictures again because it has been way too long.

Rango

Johnny Depp. That sold enough tickets. Rango is an animated movie by Gore Verbinski in which a lizard named Rango ends up trying to save a town full of other animals from a group of outlaw animals by being the sheriff of said town and win by sheer luck and cunning grace. The movie looks pretty good. I like the western motif. At the same time, I’m thoroughly over Johnny Depp playing these “lovable losers” who are unlucky enough to fall into trouble, but lucky enough to catch a strong wind that backflips them out of it. He has made a dozen movies like that regardless of director or storyline. I’m not sure why people see Johnny Depp as that guy, but they do and it doesn’t seem to have an end anytime soon.

For an animated film, this looks pretty great. I’m more interested in seeing this movie than I want to be.  Also, it does not look too kiddy where I feel like I need to register myself as a sex offender by just seeing it in the theaters… which cannot be said for a couple movies later on this list.

Take Me Home Tonight

Kristen Stewart look-a-like Teresa Palmer is not done with us just yet (and I’m not done with her just… if you catch my… she’s pretty) as she appeared with Pettyfor in I Am Number 4. In that movie, seemingly she was speaking in her own Australian accent, but that was tough to tell because her accent sounded like an Australian pretending to be American who is pretending to be Australian, which has a degree of difficulty.

Anyway, she’s the hot chick in this movie that Topher Grace wants to bang. I expect this movie to be not as good as Hot Tub Time Machine, which is not too high of a bar to set. It is supposed to be an 80’s movie about the lovable loser Grace with his completely unlovable loser with a weight problem and an unbreakable loyalty streak in that guy who is on the bottom right of that poster and was in that ping pong movie Balls of Fury, which I believe everyone forgot even existed until this SECOND! Also, Anna Farris is in the movie and I bet she plays a ditsy character, shock me shock me. I really haven’t seen anything in any of these trailers that make me want to see this movie. I feel like Topher Grace, Farris and Balls of Fury are way too old to be in a movie that culminates with winning the girl over at a house party. Especially, Topher Grace. What the fuck happened to this guy’s career? Well, he really wasn’t in anything good it appears. Nevertheless, Win a Date with Tad Hamilton happened in 2004 and this movie looks vaguely similar and it is 2011. So what the fuck? I will point you away from seeing this dumb movie above and instead point you to see the only movie Topher Grace is really a star in that I liked, which is In Good Company.

In Good Company has Topher as the new young boss for Dennis Quaid being the older boss who is being seen as replaceable once Topher learns the ropes. Scarlett Johannson plays Quaid’s daughter with Marg Helgenberger, which I think is great casting. Quaid and Marg are both very attractive people and they could produce a Scarlett level of hotness child in my opinion, my amateur geneticist opinion. Also, Selma Blair is in the movie. It’s a good flick. See it.

Battle: Los Angeles

Did you see Skyline? No. Well, me and 12 other people did and Battle: Los Angeles appears to be the movie that we meant to spend our money on. Both movies take place in Los Angeles where unstoppable aliens from outerspace attack and try to take over. Also, a massive ship appears from out of nowhere from the ground, a helicopter explodes right above their heads, and it appears more or less like they are losing this fight against these aliens. Nevertheless, Skyline was FUCKING AWFUL! And I kind of want to see an alien movie that doesn’t make me hate everyone and hope aliens do kill us all because we made a movie like Skyline. So Battle: Los Angeles might be that movie. It looks like Black Hawk Down meets Skyline. It looks gritty and Aaron Eckhart is in it. Michelle Rodriguez is in the movie as her exact character from Avatar.

I’ll end up seeing it I bet, unless it gets horrendous reviews. I hope it is like Black Hawk Down because that movie does a good job with maintaining a pace of action as well as spending little to no time explaining what the hell is going on or why. I don’t need to know too much about the aliens besides how we beat them and then we beat them. If we can’t beat them then what’s the point of this movie? Aliens attack and we all die. Sweet. That movie could have been 5 minutes instead of 2 hours of me finding out the fictional inevitable. So… I hope it doesn’t suck that bad.

Mars Needs Moms

Yeah, I’m never seeing this. Ever. Never ever never ever ever never ever never.

So… for you people who have kids, sucks to be you I guess because you might end up seeing this. I won’t. I won’t see it. Ever. It just won’t happen. Not to sound too cynical, but this movie will not be transcendent and it will have to be to make me see it. Pixar has been making some transcendent movies, but Disney? Not since I was too young to say no if you know what I mean. So, this movie will not be seen by these eyes unless I die and there’s a Stevie Wonder eye transplant and that person watches movies like this. So next!

Red Riding Hood

I will not be seeing this either. Man does this movie look like shit. Not the shit, but just shit. It looks bad. Real bad. Like worrisome bad. If I had to describe the directing style of Catherine Hardwicke I would say she is the female equivalent of Uwe Boll. That’s mean. She’s better than Uwe Boll, but she’s getting closer to that territory. Her best movie was 13 and has been steadily getting worse. Also, as far as storylines go 13 was pretty random. All of a sudden Nikki Reed kind of just dumps Evan Rachel Wood and Wood goes back to her mother. So what if Reed didn’t dump her? It didn’t really seem like Wood learned something and then made the right decision. Anyway, that movie was good and Lords of Dogtown was not and I’m pretty sure we all know how bad Twilight was and The Nativity Story looked unreal laughable. So now, Red Riding Hood. It looks bad. Amanda Seyfried is a good actress and sexy and everything, but I’d much rather watch Chloe where she has sex with Liam Neeson and Julianne Moore with nudity. This movie just looks bad on all levels. It has a weird The Village vibe mixed with A Knight’s Tale and other shitty movies.

Is Catherine Hardwicke wiccan? Or a wicca? Is she a wicca? Is she a wicca woman? Does wiccan wicca work? I question all of this because she is another terrible director out there that people don’t think is a terrible director because she has put a spell on them. A director that can’t seem to make good movies is not a good director. A good director is not a person who makes a slick looking movie. A good director is a person who has good movies on their resume and Catherine Hardwicke is not one of those people. Oh wait, but remember that scene in Lords of Dogtown where the screen got all inverted with the colors and it faded like it was like the film was being washed out from the sun, but really it wasn’t and it all came back into focus for the skateboarding? Yeah, the computer did that. It is called a filter. And the rest of that movie sucked. Remember that time in 13 when she had Evan Rachel Wood and Nikki Reed makeout? Yeah, it ruled, but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t qualify someone as a “good director”. If that’s the case then porn directors are the greatest directors – dropping some truth loads on ya.

Limitless

First, if you don’t recognize the name “Abbie Cornish” between the other two more famous names and you’re for whatever reason so interested in seeing a movie featuring this unknown girl then wait until the end of the month to see Sucker Punch. Also, if you want to see Limitless in general then you should just wait to see Sucker Punch at the end of the month and in the mean time you should go to the doctor to get an MRI, Cat Scan, full body scan and any other test you can have done to you to make sure that some chemical in something you eat is not eating away all sense and reason from the nerves in your body. This movie looks stupid. Real stupid. Really stupid. On top of that, it LOOKS STUPID! Oh man, does this movie look dumb. I’m looking forward to The Hangover 2, I seriously am. I’m psyched for it. At the same time, are we fucking done kidding ourselves with this Bradley Cooper thing? Seriously, it hasn’t worked out. This is another one that won’t work out. Remember The A-Team? Now you do. You forgot about it before, but now you remember it and you remember that Cooper was in it and how awful that movie looked. We get it. Bradley Cooper can take his shirt off. So can Taylor Lautner. See? See what I did there? I just made Bradley Cooper the adult version of Taylor Lautner in one move and no where did I make Taylor more talented to be Bradley. It’s disturbing. So, Bradley was not the reason The Hangover was funny, but he was the best looking of the bunch and that is why he got so many movie offers immediately following the movie. Leading man? Nope.

If you don’t see this movie, you will help in the “Bradley Cooper needs to be a supporting character to learn his craft and maybe he can become a poor man’s Matthew McConaughey” movement that I just started.

Lincoln Lawyer

Speaking of the best looking man with the most unspellable name. Seriously that will never set that name. I always have to look up how to spells Matthew’s last name. Djimon Honsou I know how to spell. But not M-c-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y. Thank God he has abs and that Southern, but not racist charm because his name is reason enough not to hire him. I’ve never heard of this book The Lincoln Lawyer and I’m pretty sure there are no surprises in the movie or book about whether or not Ryan Phillipe is the bad guy. Was that supposed to be a secret? His character seems pretty bad from the get go and he only gets worse as the trailer continues. The only thing I kind of like about this movie is that Marisa Tomei and McConaughey are a divorced couple in the movie and have a kid, which means at one time in this fictional world Marisa Tomei married McConaughey and banged him condomless and birth control less to produce a child. All of that makes 100% complete sense. Them divorcing is really something I would need more evidence to understand. Them both being lawyers seems hard to believe. Nevertheless, this may be the only movie Marisa Tomei is in where she is sexing the penis of a man that she is not wildly out of their league. The movie looks like a paint by numbers thriller and I will not be seeing it.

Paul

So, I want to like this movie. Like I really want to like it. I like Simon Pegg. I like Nick Frost. I like Seth Rogen. I like Superbad. I like Jason Bateman – he’s the bad guy in the movie. But nothing in the trailer makes me laugh. I just don’t find what’s happening to be all that funny. I like that the movie is rated R as well. But right now, I just don’t see it. The storyline isn’t new and a lot of movies like this usually suck. I’m trying to get psyched for it. This is supposedly a pet project of Frost and Pegg’s for a long time now, which has me worried because if it was a pet project from back when they made Spaced the TV show then that has me worried because I didn’t like Spaced. BLASPHEMY I know, but I couldn’t sit through it. It was horribly paced and most of the humor seemed like well worn jokes. It’s a toss up if I see this  movie in the theaters. I’m leaning towards yes, but if this gets a few bad reviews then I doubt I’ll see it. Like when Pineapple Express came out it got some bad reviews. I’m not sure why, but it did. Nevertheless, I thought the trailer was funny and I stuck to my gut and saw it because even though the reviews weren’t in love with it, I could see funny stuff in the trailer that could be expanded upon in the movie. And I love Pineapple Express like it was my second child – Die Hard being my first. But I don’t see much in Paul. One thing that I don’t like is Seth Rogen is voicing the alien. I’d rather have Seth be the alien and not just voice it. His voice isn’t particularly hysterical to me, but he as a whole human being is good with physical comedy. Ugh… I want this to be good.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules

This is the sequel of a kid’s movie I’ve never heard of from a book I’ve never heard of I believe. All I can say, is if I was a kid I would see this movie I think. I mean the trailer starts off with a decent enough poop joke. I saw Life with Mikey and Richie Rich and both Addams Family movies in the theaters as well as all 3 Mighty Duck movies and Little Giants. I would have seen this. Nowadays? Never. I doubt I’ll ever see this movie ever. I couldn’t even begin to tell you where Nickelodeon or the Disney channel is on my cable provider nor do I care. So this movie and I are just on different paths. Different paths like it exists over here and I exist over here trying to not drink whiskey during the day to cure boredom and watch cage fighting and yelling at people about how I knew that Chauncey Billups was going to work out great for the New York Knicks. Ladies…

Sucker Punch

HOLY FUCK!!!! I WANT THIS MOVIE!!! I want this movie all over me. I want this movie right now and for it to suffocate me like a blanket of hot chicks with machine guns and samurai swords. I want this fucking movie to happen right now! NOW! Like now! How about now! I need this movie to happen like in a second or two or I’ll pass out from excitement. I’m so super psyched for this movie. Like this is all I can hope and pray for at this moment. I want it to happen and come to life and take me into it like I’m the dork kid in Last Action Hero. Literally, everything in this movie is lovable. Emily Browning dressed like this is lovable. I thought she was great in Lemony Snicket’s and I also thought she was going to get super hot when she was legal and now that is not weird to think because I was right and so forth. Um she also a katana and pistol in her hand, which RULES! Also, Vanessa Hudgens(!!!!), Jena Malone (!!!!), Jamie Chung (!!!!) and that phantasm Abbie Cornish (!!!!) will also be carrying many weapons and less clothes!!!! Fuck I want to kill a chicken as a sacrifice for this movie it looks so good. Besides all of this we have Carla Gugino who is all sorts of sexy woman hotness and good actressness when she’s not in a shitty movie like Faster. Lastly, Scott Glenn is in this movie. I love Scott Glenn. I also love the fact that Scott Glenn was friends with Toshiro Mifune and I love the fact that I think Zack Snyder knows this as well and that is one reason why he is in the movie. The other reason he is in the movie is because Scott Glenn is bad ass.

I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! AHHHHH!!!! I WANT THIS MOVIE!!!!

So yeah, I think I’m seeing Sucker Punch. I also think I may start stalking people who work at movie theaters and find out if they have advanced copies of the movie already in and then I’ll kill them and take their lives over and see the movie after an honest days work at the movie theater and then burn the place down to get rid of the evidence.

So… yeah.

Those are the March movies.

I’ll see you Thursday.

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7 Responses to “March Is For Drinking And You’ll Want To Be Drunk To See These Movies”

  1. Nix said

    Can I just say that Vanessa Hudgens BUGS THE SHIT OUT OF ME! Probably more than Tom Cruise… Um no, actually they can both take that Mars Needs Mom spacecraft and Just. Leave. The. Planet. Forever. Earth would be a far, far better place without them.

    So, thanks for the recs. Another blog had a post comparing the eery similarities between Twilight and Little Red Riding Hood. I guess what works for Hardwicke, um, works for for Hardwicke…

  2. adjustment bureau- conundrum. not super interested in it but I love emily blunt

    beastly- I will probably see this. am I proud of that? meh. but lets be honest I see almost everything..

    red riding hood- yes yes yes a thousand times yes. I love catherine hardwicke. I am well aware lots of people don’t however idgaf because I love her. it’s kind of like how I put ketchup on my chicken fajitas at chilis and eeryone is always like EW OMG WHY? and idgaf because it’s delicious and no one else has to like it but me. also- I like lords of dogtown. I also know many other people who liked that movie but apparently we are the minority? but either way, still don’t care so this movie will probably be a win for me. also, six degrees of twilight separation: billy burke is in this movie, and I love me some billy burke.

    Paul- yes

    suckerpunch- yes.

    the rest I am very meh on but I could very well end up getting dragged out to see all of them.

    question for friday: is wednesday still suposed to be guest post day and that is why you don’t write- simply because you have no guest poster? or is wednesday just blacklisted from the kswi calendar?

  3. The Adjustment Bureau — I want to see it. I think I get sucked in by the music they use in the trailer (which apparently is from Sunshine?), but I’m also a chick that does enjoy a love story on occasion.

    Beastly — I honestly thought that this already came out, did poorly, and faded into obscurity, because I’m pretty sure I’ve been seeing previews for this for a year. This is a teen’s wet dream, so… pass.

    Rango — sure. Anything Johnny Depp that’s not more Jack Sparrow or The Tourist is ok with me.

    Take Me Home Tonight — I’ll see this on TV in another 3 years. I might complain about how it’s not very good, but I’ll be too lazy to bother to change the channel. Unless we’re able to change the channel with our minds by then… it will be the future, after all. I’ll change the channel and then eat my dinner in pill form. Science!

    Battle: Los Angeles — sure. I’d like something on the level of District 9, but would settle for Independence Day.

    Mars Needs Moms — nope.

    Red Riding Hood — nooooooope. I was suprised to see Gary Oldman in it. I’d sooner see that movie Tiptoes where he plays a dwarf that seduces Matthew McConaughey’s (spelled without looking, losers) pregnant girlfriend. I actually just want to see that anyway.

    Limitless & Lincoln Lawyer — no opinion since I haven’t really seen trailers for them. I have something against the L’s, apparently.

    Paul — I see pretty much anything with Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, Seth Rogen and Jason Bateman. I’ll see this, too.

    Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules — no. I am an adult with adult things to do like pay bills and drive cars and drink beers and get tattoos and smoke crack.

    Sucker Punch — definitely yes. The first I saw this, I had written it off as a total d00dbonerfest with all the action and hot chicks in sparse clothing. But I saw a preview on TV and it looks legit. Really legit. Really like I might go temporarily The Kids Are Alright for these ladies.

  4. cledbo said

    And I just spent most of my morning looking up posters for Sucker Punch and wishing my tight-ass work let us watch streaming media.

    Thank you for Snydering my morning, even if it did lead to a bit of a dip in productivity there.

  5. tiffanized said

    I feel really out of it because I’ve only heard of 5 of these movies. That just means “heard of”. I didn’t know what any of them were about, except maybe “Red Riding Hood” because I knew what that was about before Amanda Seyfried was even born. And I only know about 3 of the 5 movies I know about because we watch a lot of kids’ TV and they show the commercials for them every twelve seconds.

    At first when you mentioned “Sucker Punch” I thought you were talking about the infamous and fictional “Face Punch” from “New Moon”. You know, with the punch and the face. “Sucker Punch” doesn’t move me. But then again I’m watching “Murder She Wrote” as we speak, so I may not have much credibility here.

    I love Bradley Cooper, and by that I mean I’m so horny for him I’ll take your word for it that he can’t act because I haven’t been paying attention. Didn’t he play the hopelessly dorky best friend on “Alias”? I feel like his hotness on that show was dampened by the superior hotness of Michael Vartan. Perhaps similarly his shitty acting was eclipsed by Michael Vartan’s shittier acting.

    • PWG said

      You speak the truth about Michael Vartan. I have seen Never Been Kissed more than one time because of his scene with a hockey stick looking all “French-Canadian hockey player,” and that’s truly a horrible movie.

      I had a week-long networking class with a teacher who looked just like him. On the last day of class, he took off his sweatshirt and was just standing around in a tight white t-shirt and jeans. Ooompf, that’s why I can still calculate subnet masks in my head like a motherfucker. God, did I ever pay attention in that class.

  6. kt said

    Hai you guyz! I didn’t comment yesterday so I’m gonna comment today since it is no post Wednesday. I wanna see the Adjustment Bureau, probably will eventually see Beastly and Rango and Red Riding Hood and Paul, but I won’t pay for it. Will possibly see Sucker Punch and Take Me Home Tonight in theaters. I have a weird thing for Topher Grace and as much as I wanted to hate Sucker Punch I really liked the previews.

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