You Searched It And I Am Here To Help Sort Of

March 3, 2011

It has been awhile. I’m returning to an area of my website that I have not shined a light on in awhile. It may or may not be the a-hole of this website. It may or may not be the b-hole as well. I am referring to the “search engine terms” section of this very KSWI website.

It is a mystery to me this section. It is a mystery that I’m both fascinated with and scared of. No matter how crazy the search seems it means the person ended up on this website for good or for bad. It also means that there is something on this website in that ridiculous search term that comes pretty damn close. I mean how many pages upon pages are people searching through for these odd queries. Like a million? Seriously, yesterday someone searched “naked men” and got this website. NAKED MEN? Was this person(s) looking at every website ever that Google gave them? How on Earth could “Kristen Stewart wants IT” be on a reasonable page number on the query “naked men”? That seems absurd.

Nevertheless… whatever makes new fans…

On with your search terms!!!!

chris pratt

I’m into it. I’ve written about Chris “Parks and Rec” Pratt before. I’m surprised again that anyone has found this through searching because I definitely haven’t talked too much about him. Maybe that’s my fault. I will rectify that and say that Chris Pratt is a hilarious gentleman. He is a humorous fine fellow that Chris Pratt. I love Parks and Rec. Last night’s Modern Family was better than it has been, but over the past few weeks it has gotten a little stale. And same goes for The Office as far as the staleness. I’m not seeing into the future of tonight on whether the episode is good or not. Back to my point, Parks and Rec and Community are the only two network shows that have really been killing it recently. I laugh. I laugh out loud. I’m happy they are on television to keep my week running smoothly. If Parks and Rec and Community were not on TV right now, I would find it infinitely more difficult to get out of bed – that is how much I enjoy them.

And… while talking about good shows – I am sincerely going through Cougartown withdrawal. It is weird that I miss that show as much as I do. I blame Modern Family for being lackluster and I blame Matthew Perry and his WHORE-REND-OUS show about sunshine for sucking so much for making me weep for Cougartown‘s awolness.

Also, this didn’t help…

Um…

Hey Courtney Cox. Can I have your attention for a moment? WHAT THE FUCK?! You’re not supposed to be THIS hot. And your show isn’t supposed to be funny. Remember when Friends ended? You weren’t the one that was supposed to land the only good show and be the hottest one out there at this point. Anyway… I have feelings for you. Not sure about this Chuck Sheen character, but Courtney Cox is WINNING!

jessica pare

I had forgotten about her! Thanks for reminding me!

joel mchale hair

It is spiky. It is the essence of spiky. I feel like people don’t give Joel enough credit for his hair. Clearly a lot of Justin Bieber’s successfulness with his hair is because of his youth. Joel does not have that to fall back on. Joel on the other hand has masterfully made himself both a douche and likable – like extremely likable. As mentioned earlier the TV show he fronts Community is one of the reasons why I continue to get up every day. That and my fear of bed sores.

alia shawkat boobs

I know, right? It was sort of creepy on Arrested Development because she was supposed to be a high schooler, but now it is completely cool. She’s got some nice ones. I mean I have not seen them in person or anything, but they look great on the TV and the interwebz in clothing. She plays a hooker in the Ed Helms comedy Cedar Rapids. Great segue right?

60+ women

I assume this person was referring to age, but who knows. Maybe this person was looking for 60 or more women in one photo/video at one time. Most of these search terms are sexual in nature and it worries me that this person is searching for porn material that has 60 or more women in it. If that is the case then I feel sorry that this person is never going to be able to fulfill their sexual fantasy. I mean it is hard enough to get 1 woman in a room to have sex with. Now it becomes exponentially more difficult to get 2. Anything beyond that is near impossible unless copious amounts of money, tom foolery and/or smoke and/or mirrors are involved. God speed to you and your journey of 60.

gail simmons breasts

They’re like national treasures. Actually, they ARE NATIONAL TREASURES!

A photo, video and a casting of Gail Simmons’ breasts should be buried in a time capsule for a distant future generation of winged and telepathic homo sapien sapien sapiens to marvel at for eons to come… or cum… ugh that was disgusting. Seriously, though Gail Simmons is a classy lady with excellent cleavage and people should be worshipping them.

And they can cook! I mean she can cook. Gail Simmons with her breasts can cook!

snow white porn

This is what I get for writing about Snow White for 3 days straight. I’m guessing she has sex with the 7 dwarves and the prince and the evil queen. In reality, I think that is kind of ridiculous. I think seven short dudes living in the woods together for God knows how long would resort to having sex with each other. I doubt they were trolling for chicks at local forest bars. They were probably doing each other the whole time. By the time, Snow White shows up all passed out they were so gay they just painted her toe nails and fixed her hair.

justin bieber photos of him holding a stuffed animal

Oddly specific and I did have a picture of him with a stuffed animal. He was cuddling it.

michael jordan

Oh man, thank you.

He was the greatest. And will always be.

And by greatest, I’m not just sticking with “basketball”. I mean in all things ever.

He’s the greatest human being I know of.

That’s not too much, right?

Maybe I should stick with basketball, but he is just so much more.

snl sucks

So true.

I actually stopped watching recently. I haven’t seen the show in the past month at least and it has been a good run I’m going on. I hope it never stops. I’m not sure what would cause me to tune in to… well Michael Jordan would. And maybe Gail Simmons’ boobs if they did a whole bit about how we’re all watching Top Chef hoping that Gail and Padma will lick something off each other.

ellen page butt

Fair enough. This person is searching for sexual pictures of the wonderful actress Ellen Page, but they’re not lewd enough to say “ass”. They’re kind of being silly about it, but truthful. She’s a lady. A young lady and she is cute and I’m interested in seeing her backside case and point the butt zone. At the same time, I’m not sure what this would be, but I think someone should define what is the defining characteristic of Ellen Page’s butt, so we all can be walking around in life and go “you see that girl over there, she’s got ‘Ellen Page butt'”. She has a small butt. She has a small everything. She’s small. A small butt in both width, length, girth? I’m not sure what I’m saying anymore. I think the best thing to do is…

girl being fucked by two dicks

Errrrgggghhhh… two of them? And they’re dicks? And it’s on this website? I find that difficult to believe. Also, I’m not into that. Call me hypocritical or call me old-fashion, but I just want to see one dick fucking a girl. That’s just me.

are we going to war

I don’t think so. I hope not.

I think this is in reference to that scare we were going to war with North Korea. Well, I said we weren’t. I said that that wasn’t going to happen. Let’s check if we are at war with North Korea shall we? WE’RE NOT! AND I WAS RIGHT! AGAIN! AS ALWAYS!

As for any wars with the rioting uprising countries of the Mediterranean (fuck I spelled that right in a flash without even thinking about it!) Sea, we’re not going to war with them either. We wouldn’t be “going to war” with Libya, but for a time it looked like we might need to help them get rid of Gadhafi’s mercenary forces. It seems like they are handling it pretty well themselves. It is frightening to be watching so much change happening in areas of the world people stereotypically characterize as areas that have hostility towards the United States, but I’m not that worried.

I truly do believe that the people of these countries like Libya, Tunisia, Egypt and so on are not thinking that much about what America is up to. They are focused on fixing their own countries. They are focused on getting normal shit done. These countries have had dictators in power for YEARS/DECADES. These people need to figure out how to get sanitation done. These people need to figure out food. These people need to figure out police, fire, the INTERNET! Whoever takes over for these countries have a lot to figure out before they start becoming players in international politics.

Plus I’m not for dictators. Sorry. Revolution is not easy nor is it peaceful and hopefully they all come out on the other side as in best shape as possible.

two dicks in one women

WHAT?! This again? Jeez…

naked taylor lautner twilight members googleimages

This person does not understand the internet. You do not type all of that into a search engine.

kristen stewarts car

About a minute ago I was like “awwww” that’s kind of a cute and novel search. What does Kristen Stewart drive? I wonder too. Or at least now I’m wondering. Maybe it is a sensible Kia Sportage. Maybe it is a Ferrari. Maybe she just drives an invisible roadster of want. But now I find this query creepy and stalkerish. Which is her car? Because I’m currently sitting in the bushes outside of the Twilight set and I’m going to take a flip cam video of me rubbing my balls all over it. So fuck you person who typed this and keep your balls off of Kristen Stewart’s car. I hope your balls never touch her or any person’s car!

best way to fuck a 50 year old woman

I wish I knew buddy. Am I right?

I don’t know who searched this obviously, but that person deserves a medal of Freedom. I mean seriously. He’s looking for the “best way” to do it. Not the worst. Not the funniest. Not the loudest. Not the dirtiest. But the best. Just the best way to fuck some 50 year old woman. Good for that man. He is trying to please a 50 year old woman and maybe keep away from breaking her hip or something that older people do. I salute you guy who searches the “best way to fuck a 50 year old woman”.

downs symdrome with nunchucks

HOLY SHIT YES!

Let me say, I get that they misspelled it “symdrome”, but let’s forget that for a moment. If your first reaction to reading that search wasn’t YES! then you may not have a pulse. It’s just such an exciting idea like lady gaga with lions. I am sold already. So much energy in the words.

Let’s analyze this for a moment.

I know that no matter how I slice this you’ll think I’m laughing at a person with “downs syndrome”, but that person has nunchucks. In this scenario that person is carrying and seemingly using nunchucks. I am always on the side of the person WITH the nunchucks and never against them. Nothing is ever wrong with _____ with nunchucks.

Also, I’m not the one who gave the person with “downs syndrome” the nunchucks. I didn’t equip this “downs syndrome” person with the deadly and beautiful weapon known as nunchucks. But…

I want to see this as well. I am an equal opportunity nunchuck viewer.

high brow humor

Well… thank you.

I would like to say thank you for this, but I believe my last admittance that I want to see a video of a kid with downs syndrome using nunchucks probably knocks me off that “high brow humor” pedestal.

teenage mutant ninja turtles body paint

It’s called green. They’re green. There is no specific turtle paint needed. Just get the green stuff and paint yourself with it.

billionaire mafia hitman jeans

This sounds like something Charlie Sheen would say. He’s got his tiger blood and Vatican assassin warlock things and now he is wearing billionaire mafia hitman jeans.

Is it just me or are there these things called “long term side effects” from doing hard drugs for years? I’m just curious. It’s great and all he’s passed a few drug tests in the past few hours, but he was smoking crack in the year 2011 and he admits to that. Let’s stop using the word sober as much as we do. I haven’t had a drink since Sunday, so technically I quit booze, right?

communist zombie

Yes. Make it. Make it into a movie. Add it to an existing television show to spice it up. Like if they added a “communist zombie” character to How I Met Your Mother wouldn’t you start watching? I know I would. I would DVR those suckers and watch ’em twice. I would rally up some poor people to watch them too.

I just Googled that phrase and there is a book called “Radioactive Communist Zombies”. And I’m not going to read that book. I would watch the TV show. But not the book.

ten plagues of egypt for kids

Just for the kids? Like against the kids? Or are we just reading this to the kids? Either way, this is weird. I don’t want to read my hypothetical kids sugar coated versions of the “ten plagues”. Nor do I want ten plagues to be put on the kids of Egypt. I AM AGAINST THAT!

fake porn wwordpress

Fake porn? Not the real stuff? Ok. Each to his own. I prefer the real stuff. But whatevs.

man getting off a train

That is vague. Really vague. But here you go.

Don’t say I never did anything for you.

gail simmons sucking cock

Ummm… well. This is one of those “wish” searches. I know this isn’t on the internet, but if I type this in maybe someone else will have uploaded something similar enough to this that the internet will find it for me. I fully believe there are at least one person out there in this sea of 6 billion of us that look like us, so maybe that other you is a pornstar and maybe they are s-ing some c for others to enjoy. I’m all for that wish.

kitara should have been with zuko

Exactly.

Except no.

It would make sense if we’re saying Aang is a-sexual, which I can see someone making that point. Whether he is actually a-sexual, he is a monk and I don’t think monks get down with pretty Eskimo chicks. Anyway, back to Zuko. He did some terrible terrible stuff to …

I won’t lie.

I’m watching Dave Letterman right now and Vanessa Hudgens is on. Good God. Wow, she’s attractive. But I knew that. I’ve seen her naked after all. I mean we all have. And she looks good with clothes on too. But the thing that is new is that I’ve never heard her speak before. Oh man she sounds so white! Like really white! I wasn’t expecting that at all. She has an exotic look, but she sounds not exotic. She’s from California, but nice California with suburbs and voice coaches I would imagine. It’s just a shock hearing someone’s voice after seeing pictures of them for so long. Like the first time I heard Robert Pattinson in Twilight, I was expecting him to talk like how a person talks and not an idiot, but he was talking like an idiot. It was just surprising. Anyway, I can’t wait to see Vanessa Hudgens shoot some robot or alien with a machine gun until it dies in Sucker Punch.

women who want to fuck

I think we’re all looking for that in the easiest and most logical way possible and I don’t know where that is.

george washington’s favorite horse

That would be Sparky. That was easy. Read a history book idiot.

video presentation on over 70 years old man fucking moments

That is not proper English anyway you slice it, but if you find it and it doesn’t make you throw up then send it this way.

i can’t fuckn take it anymore

Me neither. This post is a lot longer than I was expecting.

more coco ass hole

More of it? How much do you have already?

scarlett johansson virtual blowjob

Yes please. I will add this to the “wish” search terms. Also, it kind of makes no sense. A “virtual blowjob”? Who is Scarlett “virtually” blowing? Me? You? TV’s dad from Step-by-Step Patrick Duffy? I don’t get this. Is “virtually” meaning future technology blowjays or she is so close to blowing this thing or person that she might as well be so she is “virtually” blowing it? Again, I would like this if you could find it. I’m shit out of luck on it.

Also, if I did find this – I wouldn’t share it with anyone. To be perfectly honest, I would keep this with me to the very end and like to be buried with it. It would be mine forever. Whatever it is.

dolph lundgren wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dolph_lundgren

You’re welcome.

how to put a wood in the bottom of a rivited jon boat

I know for a fact that KSWI has no answer to this in any of these funny funny pages. Also, what the fuck is a “jon boat”?

busty cleavage street

PLEASE SAY THIS EXISTS! I WILL MOVE THERE!

muscled man throwing

This could be anything.

big evangelical breasts

Probably on “busty cleavage street”, but yes. I will take that as well and that sounds like the most specific and blasphemous jerk off session ever. Are the breasts evangelical? Or are they breasts on an evangelical woman? I would hope it is the first because I would listen to the words of the New Testament if they were being preached to me by a pair of big breasts. Hear that God. Make it happen. Let’s take ’em to church, boob church.

the chinese present the young girls to their bloody god and eat them

This creeped me out. You have officially creeped me out internet. Bully for you.

what is a 27 year old woman thinking about

If I knew, I would be #winning!

Questions?

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29 Responses to “You Searched It And I Am Here To Help Sort Of”

  1. A Jon boat is a small boat with a small motor on it, mine has a 4-H Johnson. It is like, similar to the size of a row boat but instead of being wide and short it is narrow and longish. Not as narrow as a canoe or as long as one but you wouldn’t comfortably fit 2 adult sized people side by side in it comfortably. They also sink remarkably eaily if there is too much weight on the bow, such as in the form of a teenage girl sitting while the boat is in motion.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      So you’re to blame.

      • uh, no sorry. I’m not much of a craftsman to be honest. the only type of wood I work with is the kind that doesn’t come from a tree. me and sharp things like saws are not friends. and also, I have sworn off jon boats since said a certain sinking incident.

    • tiffanized said

      That’s a jon boat? I grew up with a boat we called the jon boat but it sounds like the row boat you’re describing. All this time I thought my dad had a jon boat. Not that we ever put it in the water. I pretty much just turned it over in the yard and tricked my brother into getting under it so I could sit on top of it and freak him out.

  2. PWG said

    Kitara shouldn’t have been with Aang because his voice hadn’t changed yet. He’s over 100 years old, but since he was frozen for most of that time he’s physically and mentally still a kid. My God, where have I seen that plot before. I found that whole relationship creepy because the character who voiced the cartoon was, and sounded, 11. Zuko was hot. Plus his voice actor is 35. I should get out more.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Zuko was “hot”? Is that a pun on him being a fire bender? Also, he killed innocent men, women and children and some of them were related to Kitara. One would hope that over rules his “hotness”. Plus Kitara is too good looking and wonderful of a person for that emo goth.

      • PWG said

        What?! You’re high, brother. He didn’t kill anyone. It’s like you don’t even know why his father burned him. Or else you haven’t been forced to watch the entire series well over 10 times by small children in the target demographic. I’ll let Wikipedia set you straight:

        “Zuko objects to a plan of attack that would have sacrificed many newer soldiers as bait, whereupon Ozai challenges his son to an Agni Kai for the perceived disrespect shown him in his own war chamber. Unwilling to fight his father, Zuko begs forgiveness, only to be savagely burned across the left side of his face.”

        “Despite playing the role of antagonist throughout this season, evidence of Zuko’s compassionate side exists, such as when he went to great extents to save the life of his uncle, and later the lives of his crew, though he had a chance to pursue the Avatar instead.”

        And by Season 3 he was on the good side. He was the Han Solo of Avatar. His father, sister and General Zhao were the psychos. Cool: Zhao was voiced by Jason Isaacs, and Ozai by Mark Hamill.

      • PWG said

        Plus I didn’t say Kitara should have been with Zuko, just that she should stop trolling the playground for boyfriends. I grant you she was a beautiful blue-eyed dark-haired eskimo, but she was also a whiny control freak. And on the wrong side of almost every argument she had with Sokka. Admit it, she would be the most irritating person to bring on a camping trip.

  3. PWG said

    I like the idea of someone searching for “Dolph Lundgren Wikipedia” and ending up here. Because you know damn well the first link for that search is actually his Wikipedia page. But someone overlooked clicking on that in favor of a link to KSWI. And I just checked the first three pages of Google results for that search – this blog is no where on there. So they ran that search and then flipped through God knows how many pages of results before they came across* a link to this blog. Boom! THAT’S what they were looking for. Or else he has a real obsessive stalker fan who clicked on every single link that ever referenced the man, from beginning to end.

    It’s possible the Gail Simmons boobs search was me. I have in fact searched on that term before. And I think Google’s algorithms return favorited links closer to the top. I can’t be the only one investigating that topic, but I may be the only one of your commenters who is.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Gail Simmons boobs/breasts/tits/cleavage et cetera is the second most searched topic that brings people to this place. Unless you search that a 100 times a week then there are others outside of you. Someone should start a website called “Gail Simmons’ Boobs” or a twitter account or something.

  4. kt said

    Why are so many people searching porn terms and getting to this site? I don’t understand. Half of the internet is porn, if not more, it would take days to google a porn term and end up at a non-porn related site. I almost feel like you made this shit up or something because it is just that unbelievable.

    Cougar Town is hilarious and highly underrated. Community is probably my favorite show on TV right now and I have a super huge crush on Donald Glover.

    Also Kristin Stewart drives a truck. I believe it is/was black and an older model. I fucking hate myself so much for knowing that.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I definitely didn’t make any of this up. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

    • tiffanized said

      I think sometimes people don’t realize that Google and other search engines have safe search settings that filter out the real porn sites and give them non porn sites like this. I’m guessing kids under 10 and men over 60 are to blame for those hits. They probably think someone is lying to them about the quantity of porn online.

  5. PWG said

    Friday question: When is it ever appropriate/advisable to sling an alligator across your shoulders? Answers to explore include

    A) When you’re Australian
    B) When you’re a downed pilot in the swamps in World War Z, and you’re trying to intimidate zombies
    C) When you’re Fezzik, and excellent at lifting heavy things
    D) When you’re in such an unhealthy relationship with the paparrazi that Stockholm syndrome causes you to accept any wild-ass suggestion a famous photographer proffers

      • although don’t the australians have crocs instead of gators? so maybe just D…

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        A – is Crocodile Dundee DAMN IT! Paul Hogan is a national treasure for TWO countries.
        D – is Rob Pattinson on the cover of Vogue and I blame almost all of you who read this website for clogging my twitter feed with that.

      • PWG said

        I think Milfie was just answering in the form of a question, a la Jeopardy.

        A is actually ALL Australians. It is perfectly acceptable for any and all Aussies to walk around with gators slung over their necks. Just like all Americans are entitled to roam the world with Big Macs in their hands.

        I don’t think you should be answering your Friday questions on Thursday. What are you going to do for work tomorrow? Extra credit for giving me the movie source of “I carried a watermelon” without looking it up and whilst possessing a set of testicles.

        My own Twitter feed is often clogged with UFC updates. Ahem.

      • PWG is right…as if I would say what IS A and D instead of what ARE…pish.

      • And also, I am most certainly not clogging your feed with that because 1- I don’t tweet about rob or twilight because real friends follow me and i am appropriately ashamed of my twilove, and 2- you don’t even follow me.

    • MyRobbie said

      I agree with D. Annie Liebowitz or whatevs used to be fantastic and then she had that picture of Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon in last month’s Vanity Fair and Susan’s eyes were all crazy and horrible. That killed it, right there for me for that photographer. Anywho. I never thought the day would come when I would hate, absolutely hate, a photo shoot of his.

      Gaga is on Vogue, RPattz is on VF. Gaga was photographed by Mario Testino and looks fab. OK. That’s enough estrogen (?) for one comment. Enough.

  6. Chris Pratt could get it.

    Joel McHale has definitely had hair implants/transplants. But the man looks good in teeny stripey boxer briefs, so who cares? Though I liked him better when I didn’t follow him on Twitter. He is dull. The worst celebrity I ever followed on Twitter was John Cusack. That man is damn near illiterate.

    I actually googled “billionaire mafia hitman jeans” because I was curious. The results make me think The Situation might be reading KSWI.

    George Washington’s favorite horse was Martha… HEYOOo…oo..oosorry.

    I stopped trying to actually google things at “the chinese present the young girls to their bloody god and eat them”. Christ almighty. Don’t google that, people. Watch this instead:

  7. “Your comment is awaiting moderation.” Really, WordPress? Quit being such a diva. Like I haven’t left 234908239048234 comments here before with the same name and same email and same rambling useless content. If a computer is smart enough to win Jeopardy, you’d think it could handle remembering me and could eventually stop putting me in common tater jail for throwing two links in there.

  8. MyRobbie said

    Hi! Love it. Anyway, how do you respond to those buzzkills on facebook (I’m assuming you do facebook, but maybe not) or wherever who say, “Now, that’s just sad. He’s just sad. Let’s not make fun of him.” ??? The punctuation on that was all messed up. But, regardless, with the WINNING, how can someone NOT want to make fun of that? How is that NOT hilarious? I mean, come on.

    Related to that, I like your “long term side effects” bit and let’s not use the word sober so much. Maybe I should just recycle/plagiarize that.

    Thanks.

  9. tiffanized said

    I went through ten pages of “naked men” search results and found the lovely “dickdorm.com” and “nakedredheadmen.com”. Also, interestingly enough, a lot of links to HuffPo.

    Do comments cause search engine hits? Because I’m worried we might be the “women who want to fuck”. Unless this searcher is the same one who wanted “two dicks in one women”, in which case he may actually only searched for one of us.

    I like the idea of dwarves trolling.

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