The Weekend Is Made For Forgetting or Weekends Are Made To Be Forgotten

March 7, 2011

I’m not sure, which I like more. Singular? Or plural?

I’m also not sure what either statement means, but I thought it right before I was about to write the title of this post and there you go.

Hmmm…

So, the weekend is made for forgetting – you say. I guess let’s expand on that idea. The weekend is what we look forward to each and every week seemingly. It is what helps get through the week and for most the “working” week. But once the weekend is here and we make our way through it, it is time to move on and back to the week and looking forward to the next weekend. One cannot spend life thinking about past weekends and instead needs to live for the future weekends. Maybe that makes sense.

Or maybe, the weekends are when one cut’s loose and unhinges and gets off the chain and parties until it is time for the week again. In doing so, the weekends are for recklessness and reckless decisions and with that one must forget or they’ll live to regret, so it’s better to move on. Move forward. To the next one. Hopefully one’s wild wilding is not to the extreme where one cannot forget because it has weighed their future down with unfortunate consequences. AKA don’t get too drunk you trip and break a leg or wind up in a foreign territory married to a drug dealer or buy yourself season tickets to a traveling theater group. UGH! How many times can I see Spring Awakening before I snap and bludgeon those stupid virg-ohs with a flaming playbill.

What am I talking about?

THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU

Short story: It sucks.

Long story: It is stupid and sucks. I get that Matt Damon is a cutie pie. I get that. But that doesn’t mean him in a movie about angels with magic fedoras in New York City is good just because his cutie pie face is on screen for an hour and a half or so. There needs to be more than that. The movie is going for a romantic vibe meets a fantastical vibe, but it really only delivers an ill-conceived story and a lazy uninformative tour of Manhattan.

More than anything, the real underlying stupidity in this movie is the supposed timeless love story between Damon and Emily Blunt. I mentioned in my Thursday geniusness that the two should have sex and so forth just based on looks alone. Well, that was just as deep as the movie is. Blunt and Damon meet in a men’s bathroom at a hotel where Damon is planning on giving his concession speech for losing a bid for a New York Senate seat (yes, he’s a NY politician in this movie), meanwhile Blizz-Unt is crashing a wedding. Why? Because she is impulsive! Those girls and their impulses. They’re so cute and fun. So she’s drinking a bottle of champagne by herself in the men’s room and Damon walks in to practice his loser’s speech in the privacy of a balls and ass smelling vestibule. They talk and giggle for a few minutes and then she kisses him and Damon’s bff walks in and she runs away to be chased by hotel security.

Then several months go bye.

Yep. They don’t see each other for several months after that. The movie jumps forward months later as Damon is now taking a job with a firm and hasn’t seen, spoken or heard from the drunk British chick of the boy’s bathroom that fateful night. That is until Damon’s angel of fate fucks up and doesn’t have Dames spill coffee on himself, so he ends up on a bus sitting next to Ems. On the bus, the two rekindle the giggle talks and Damon spills his coffee this time on Blunt’s lap and she takes it in stride and even ever so cutely drops Damon’s cell phone in his coffee as a joke, but then wipes it off on her lap because she is so carefree. She then gives him her phone number and leaves. Again, this takes all of a minute or two. Then they part.

Then THREE YEARS LATER!!!!

Yeah, that’s correct. No typo there. Three years go buh-bye. So 1000 and 95 days go whizzing past and Mattie has had no contact with Emily and … can we just stop this here? It’s stupid. What bullshit is this movie really pushing? Damon kisses some chick who is so adorably cute and clever in the poop room of a high end hotel and then weeks later he sees her on a bus and she still digs him for whatever reason and then 3 years go bye and she still gives a flying fuck? This is just high end bullshit. Not to sound cynical, but this is already pretty dumb as is and it gets worse. Trust me the next thing happens is they see each other again randomly when Damon (now wildly paranoid that men in fedoras are chasing him because they are) grabs Blunt on the street and has the quickest lunch with her ever then sees her that night when she takes him to an outdoor rave in Brooklyn and then bangs him that night and then the next morning tells him that she didn’t get married in the past 3 years because she met him those two times that lasted maybe 20 minutes total. Blunt was going out with an Eli Manning look-a-like artist named Adrian who proposed to her, but she didn’t say yes and broke up with him because Damon and her kissed in the lavatory over 3 years earlier!

The next night, Damon goes to her dance recital where she sprains her ankle. He takes her to the hospital and then leaves her there without saying goodbye. Sounds like the classic almost 3 year process of dick and ditch, am I right? Following that 11 months later, Blunt is back with Adrian and literally seconds away from getting married when Damon (wearing a fedora, sweating, soaked from rain and with wild manic eyes) bursts into the court house, beats up a few random men wearing suits and hats and drags her by the arm into another men’s room. In there he gesticulates wildly that she cannot get married and that even though he hasn’t spoken to her in 11 months and this is the 3rd time he has seen her and then given up on ever calling her for months upon months at a time that he LUVS her and she needs to do everything he says because there are men in 4 piece suits who want to apprehend them by any means necessary.

A second later, a man with a fedora comes in and Damon hits him with the right hand of doom and knocks the man out cold/dead and then she still follows him. She actually follows him through a door that teleports them into Yankee Stadium.

So… we’re all aboard this stupid train right? Like it is the fastest express to stupid train. Matt Damon is the main character of this movie who immediately accepts that there are men with super powers who ultimately can control the decisions we make to live a life exactly as they see fit because God gave them a magic book that says so and if he doesn’t do what they say they will erase his brain with a briefcase. That is dumb. It doesn’t even phase him. He has no mental breakdown or become a crazy anarchist conspiracy theorist. He just takes it in stride. But I guess what choice does he have with the whole briefcase lobotomy.

As for Blunt. She is a dumber female lead than that movie with the vampires and the high schoolers. She meets a congressman. A cute congressman who she kisses drunkenly one night after flirting in a bathroom for a coupe minutes. Fine. Been there done that, am I right? Secondly she sees him on a bus for a minute where she attempts to break his cell phone, he spills coffee on her and she gives him her number. THREE YEARS GO BYE! And she sleeps with him the first chance she gets… well, that is a little untrue. She eats a salad, he eats a sandwich, he picks her up from work where she takes him to a rave where he tells her about how his parents died and his brother died when he was a teenager and then she fucks him. Ooooh so sexy. Nothing is more sexy than hearing about the trials and tribulations that lead a person to become a late-in-life orphan. Get’s me all hot thinking about it. Tell me again how your brother over dosed. My pants are on fire! The next day, she nearly breaks her ankle and he leaves her at the hospital saying he has to make a phone call and then basically a YEAR goes bye and she is literally walking to the altar and he bursts in attacking well dressed civilians with haymakers and throws her into a bathroom professing his crazy eyed love to her and then beats another man unconscious with his fists and then she still follows him.

Matt Damon is a good looking dude, but that is just all stupid. Crazy stupid. Also, can I add that if you (the reader) are cynical of what I’m saying and thinking to yourself “but it is love at first sight”… then let me ask you this – why the fuck didn’t she call him?

In this movie, Matt Damon is the most famous New York congressman who loses a race for the senate and then campaigns again for the next senate election. So she knows who he is. She actually knows who he is before he introduces himself. On the other hand, he doesn’t know who she is. She gives him a first name the first time. So she doesn’t call him the first time. Ok. So she isn’t too in love with him the first time to maybe call him to give him her number, so he can call her because she doesn’t give him her number or a last name or anything the first time. The second time, she gives him her number and again she still knows who he is. He’s famous, but he’s not movie star famous. Right now, you could call your congressman. They have an office probably not too far from where you are sitting right now. Probably only 20 minutes away at most and she never calls him. Congressman are surrounded by secret service or anything, they’re just peeps. She could get a meeting with him. So he doesn’t call her for THREE YEARS and in that time she doesn’t call him either. Doesn’t call him and actually starts dating another guy to the point that he PROPOSES to her and she says NO because some asshole congressman whom she has never tried to contact herself and has never tried to contact her ever met her twice for 20 minutes.

This movie is stupid.

Right there is enough that this movie is bad and not worth seeing. That is just a fragment of the idiocy. Then there is a whole truckload of fantastical idiocy involving angels who have enough power to bend floorboards and spill coffee and teleport places, but inexcusably can’t do anything when it is raining or if their fedora is not on their head. Also, the angels seems to only get involved in matters that concern white Europeans because at some point Terrence Stamp simplifies all of human existence down to the Roman Empire, the Enlightenment, and the Industrial Revolution and then THAT’S IT! Apparently, the angels out there with God’s grace made the Roman Empire then peaced out and us idiot humans destroyed its perfection and went into a cave dwelling world of blood and ignorance until the angels came back and dropped the Enlightenment on our dumb asses. A little bit later after we squandered that again, they gave us the Industrial Revolution and watched from the sideline as we set upon ourselves two World Wars, which was the lowest point in all of human existence apparently and now the angels I guess gave us the iPhone and Dancing with the Stars and everything is perfect again.

What any of that has to do with Matt Damon and Emily Blunt … WHO THE FUCK KNOWS?!! Completely unnecessary. Completely. The movie ends with Matt Damon not caring about how him hooking up with E-Blunts somehow is bringing apart the end of Western Civilization nor does he care about his brain and her brain being expunged, so the two of them teleport all over NYC-izzle until they land on the observation deck of some building and they kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss in a 360 camera spin while the gestapo angels watch and then disappear. Then the one black guy angel tells them they were right all along and this was more or less a prank being pulled by God and they can now have condomless sex for the rest of their stupid fucking lives.

Boom.

I saved you some money.

Go get a Netflix account and watch a good movie.

I’m currently watching Battlestar: Galactica. I started the second season last night.

It’s a good show. Seems like the only way to determine if someone is a cylon or not is to bang them doggystyle or with a mirror present, so you can see if their spine glows red. If I was the President on that show then there would be mandatory sex tapes made of every one of the 48,000 survivors of the human race holocaust and then we would move on from there on killing these stupid robots.

Also, it seems if you bang a cylon enough they get feelings and stop doing evil stuff. Literally, that has happened with Grace Park’s character. And as for Tricia Helfer’s character it seems like if Gaius or whatever his name is would stop cheating on her then we would still be 6 billion strong on Caprica playing beach volleyball and drinking margaritas every Cinco de Mayo.

I hope you all had a great weekend.

I’m listening to this on repeat — http://www.spin.com/gallery/spins-5-best-new-artists-march?page=4#main

What the fuck’s up?!

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8 Responses to “The Weekend Is Made For Forgetting or Weekends Are Made To Be Forgotten”

  1. PWG said

    Thank you, I feel like you just saved me $10. Maybe I should send the $10 to you, since you’ve provided more entertainment than that movie would’ve and also saved two hours of my life. I wasn’t going to see it anyway, though.

    What is up with that black and white picture of Damon? Was he Humpty Dumpty in a school play?

  2. PWG said

    I like Matt Damon. I think he’s intelligent and funny. (He made me not want to cockpunch Paul Greengrass quite so hard for the nauseating shaky cam Bourne movie shenanigans, which is saying something.) I estimate I’ve paid over $300 to see various movies he’s been in, so maybe $0.01 in his kids’ piggy banks came from me and they’re welcome to it.

    He has lovely eyes, that’s a handsome picture of him up there at the top and he made a surprisingly good action star. I don’t know him, though. He could be harboring Mel Gibson-levels of psychosis.

  3. Whoa whoa whoa… Time. Out. THAT’S Childish Gambino? I didn’t know it was supposed to be legit!? I figured he was trying to be the Weird Al Yankovic of the rap world. WHY AM I SO IGNORANT?

    I’m on my 6th play.

    Damnit. Now he’s cute AND funny AND talented musically? He might be perfect were he not so teeny tiny…

    I wish he hadn’t changed his Twitter name from MrDonaldGlover, because whenever I read it, I read it like how Shaggy sings “Mr. Lover Lover, mmm”. And that was good times.

  4. Sorry you hated the movie, but you said it was gonna suck in the first place so.. Why waste your money? That’s pretty dumb.

    Also just because you hate the movie doesn’t mean there arent people out there that might like it and want to see it. You should at least put a spoiler warning up asshole.

    • I saw it, too. And if it “helps”, I went in wanting to see it. I reallllly wanted to like it. I don’t typically like straight up romantic dramas, so I thought love story + sci-fi Inception-like stuff could be good. It wasn’t. Aside from a lackluster plot, the acting was bad. Real bad. I like Matt Damon, I like Emily Blunt, I like the silver fox from Mad Men. But they were all pretty (uncharacteristically?) terrible. I mean, this is by no means the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but I wouldn’t recommend seeing it. At least not paying money for it. The whole story is pretty much covered in the trailer, save for when they go to that weird rave… I desperately wanted to like it, went in open-minded, and still left disappointed. Bummed panda.

      • context is an amazing thing. por ejamplo, prior to that information I thought he was behaving in a borderline subpar intelligent way. now the whole situation is redefined as thoughtful and considerate, le sigh <333

        I don't really care about Matt Damon but I love Emily Blunt….what a bummer for her this was awful.

        but I still think mr. asshole should have included a spoiler warning.

      • I don’t feel that bad for her. Terrible movie aside, at the end of the day she goes home to John Krasinski, so…things could be worse.

  5. Lula said

    YOU’RE WATCHING BSG, JORDAN??????

    Yes, that’s the main point of this post. I distinctly remember begging you to board Galactica well over a year ago.

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