When Was The Last Time You Got Knocked Out At A Taco Shop?

March 8, 2011

The answer to the man in the video is “whenever this video took place” and “knocked(s) out(s)” because it happens multiple times.

First and foremost, I don’t want to promote violence on this blog. Actually, now that I think about it “violence” may be the third most promoted topic on this blog. The first being the ever alluring and never exhausting WANT of the elf Venus Ms. Kristen Stewart. The second being boobs of other celebrities. I talk about those things a lot. Third would be violence. I mention a lot of action movies and talk about hurting people who make bad movies that I sit through. Also, I talk about various apocalypse scenarios that I fear will happen that involve a mutiny from animals that currently live on this planet. They know the terrain and have preparations because they’re not sitting around wondering who will take over for Steve Carell when he leaves The Office.

The fourth topic is…

PUPPIES!!!!

Ok, now onto some kid getting his ass kicked.

I will break down this video almost frame by frame, so figure out how to read that for yourself.

You may notice this video appears to be shot from security footage at a fast food chain. From the little investigative leg work I’ve done, it is at a chain called “Tacos Del Rio” otherwise “River Tacos”, which sounds wildly less appetizing. Hey man, where did you get those sweet tacos? Oh I got them from the river. The river? Ugh, there is a sewage plant up the river and I’ve peed in that river. Whatever, it’s a good taco.

Somewhere in California this took place…

Let’s start the video shall we…

0:01 – 0:23 – All movies’ origin stories suck and so does this one. Not much to report here in the first 23 seconds, outside we’ve established it is a fast food eatery, there are some patrons, and we have SOUND from this security footage meaning this fight will SOUND awesome. Now the video starts to get good…

0:23 – 0:40 – Ahahahah fooled you! It doesn’t start getting good yet! Aahahah you look like such a sucker. This would never have happened on Sunday on MTV 2 when it is Sucker Free Sunday, but it is Tuesday and you got completely suckered! Whew… good times. We have some good times you and I. You meaning my subconscious that talks to me and I meaning my mute self typing away for all humanity’s benefit. But do make sure to watch the windows of the taco shop, our hero is about to enter.

0:41 – 0:50 – It appears that the River Tacos is about to receive some new customers in the form of three male youths. One is in an oversized black jersey of some sport played by someone – not sure. It kind of looks like a generic, but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it is a football player I’m not familiar with… uh huh. And the other two are too washed out by the sun. Nevertheless, it is nice to see this taco place getting such good legitimate business in the day time by sober customers.

0:51 – 0:53 – What’s up?! What’s up?! And from the looks of things that’s about the only pleasantries they are going to exchange unless you call this guy rearing back for a haymaker a “pleasantry”. At least he said “hello”. He could have just swung on him immediately.

0:53 – 0:54 – Who is that the Mexican Jet Li? Did you see those moves?! Good God that kid hit nothing but air. He came in throwing sucker punches like a champ though. At least he won’t say he lost this fight without throwing a punch, but that’s about all he’ll about to say … or if that. *spoiler alert* the guy who couldn’t land his first three punches and is now lined up to fight the bobbing and weaving Elian Gonzalez and apparently the black guy is his friend as well. I don’t like these odds for Mr. KMart Jersey.

0:54 – 0:59 – This is where it becomes interesting. The striped Hispanic has already shown some amazing reflexes and now the black guy is ready to engage in some Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon pawing outreached lotus something or other style. What started off as a 1 on 1 sucker punch special, is now a 1 on 2 handicap match. This is also when the supporting cast of the video make some interesting decisions. The two men eating their River Tacos are not at all making a move from their table even though there is a gang fight initiation happening in front of them. The tacos must be that good. Secondly, our jean shorts wearing protagonist has two friends with him. One is shirtless and the other is carrying a cat. A house cat?! Who carries a pet to a street fight?! Hey Mom, we’re going out for a minute. Ricky take the cat with you! But Mom, we’re going to pick a fight with two minorities at a taco joint. TAKE THE CAT! Pfffttt… fine ok. It is also nice to see that his friends, shirtless or cat holder, do not think they need to get involved with the fight any further than spectating. I mean your friend is now out numbered. But maybe they know more than me.

0:59 – 1:02 – It appears our hero has now properly assessed the situation that he is fighting two men: the phantom and a black guy. Not good odds, so he begins to back out of the situation where his two friends are waiting. But REVERSAL of fortune is that his friend without a shirt is an IDIOT! Also, he is part howler monkey! Not only is he laughing like a GD-ing idiot, but he cuts off his friend’s escape route and pushes him back into the fray into the now very dangerous River Tacos(!). The middle age men are still not phased by all of this – they must be some damn good tacos. What will our hero do next?!…

1:02 – 1:04 – GET KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!!!! Wooo weee!!! Swing and a miss. Apparently, these two are a counter puncher tag team and have done this before. Who are the parents of these kids “Sugar” Ray Leonard and Floyd Mayweather? Look as jean shorts swings for the black kid first (racist?), who promptly avoids the punch entirely, and then is buh-lasted by the Hispanic kid with a beautiful leaping right hook. BLAM-OH! I hope you have paused this at 1:04 because that Hispanic got all of that one! That is a “grand slam” haymaker right there. I really wish “grand slam” didn’t sound so gay. I really think someone should come up with some gay sex move gays could do and then call it the “grand slam” – I’ll co-sign it if needed. Now, back to the video where our hapless hero is in the process of losing consciousness and his two friends have just realized what consequences can arise from fighting in real life as opposed to videogames. By the way, the one middle age guy got up. As of right now, they are still deciding if they should leave their tacos or not even though there is a mini-race riot happening next to them. Damn those must be good tacos!

1:04 – 1:05 – Hapless… now Hatless! Oh man, he hit that kid so fucking hard! He hit him so hard he was limp before he hit the floor, that’s what she said. The cat holding friend has now literally dropped his cat and is bolting into the River Tacos. Try not to die from internal cranial injuries there jean shorts because your cavalry has arrived. Also, the middle age are still just having a chat. What hell have those two been through that watching a white kid get beaten unconscious in front of them barely makes them flinch?

1:05 – 1:07 – The bull rush by black t-shirt has successfully moved mini Mike Tyson away from killing your friend anymore than he is already dead. And now the shirtless wonder comes roaring in with a left karate chop attack the misses completely and has now shoved the black kid up against the toppings section of the River Tacos. Let’s see how Rosencrantz and Guildenstern do in comparison to their sleeping friend.

1:07 – 1:08 – Oh shit! Body slam! Apparently, this Hispanic kid was the former WWF Intercontinental Champion. He has the strength of ten Joses and just throws black t-shirt. As for team shirtless, he appears to be in a hugging match with the black guy. The middle age men have finally cleared the vicinity to allow this battle royale to continue.

1:08 – 1:10 – After tossing the black t-shirt, the Hispanic’s work isn’t done and he starts teeing off on that white kid on the ground again. Seriously, the ref should have stepped in to stop this because it is just getting gratuitous now. You won. As of right now, that white kid is really in the black – he threw 4 punches that all missed and has been tattooed 4 times with shots right in the face. Whatever his IQ was before, just half it now.

1:10 – 1:11 – You have to give this kid in the black t-shirt some credit. He went from being completely manhandled and gorilla slammed by someone in his own weight class to now he is just wildly grappling with the black guy. The shirtless kid does not help black t-shirt in his fight with the black guy thinking he has it handled since he did so well with his first bit of tussling. He instead poses for a second and then heads for a table?

1:11 – 1:12 – FAIL! I couldn’t have guessed that would happen. The shirtless kid completely over estimates his own strength in an attempt to throw a table, which does not hit the Hispanic kid in the least bit. Thankfully, for the white kid the table does not slide any farther and crush his head between it and the taco wall. That’s about the only bit of luck he’s had so far. Meanwhile, black t-shirt and black guy are wrestling for who gets the first re-fill at the soda fountain.

1:12 – 1:14 – Swing and a miss – AGAIN! Teach these white kids how to fight! Or don’t teach this Hispanic kid how to fight so well. He easily ducks the punch by the white kid. Is he a Golden Gloves champ and no one knows? As of right now, I think the Hispanic kid should drop out of school and start fighting crime. He has razor sharp reflexes and seriously knows how to handle himself. And finally, the black girls in the corner by the entrance have gotten up and left their table after what has been a 20 some odd second fight right in front of them. Those must be some amazing TACOS!

1:14 – 1:19 – That was a pretty decent takedown defense by the shirtless kid called LUCK. That Hispanic kid had a deep single leg takedown going, if it weren’t for the fact that they were fighting in a River Tacos I think he would have scored that attempt. But the shirtless guy gets away. Meanwhile, the black guy and black t-shirt have disengaged and the black guy has returned to the original culprit, which is not good news for jean shorts because he is completely incapacitated from the beating at the hands of the Hispanic kid and was making his first attempt at “moving” in about 20 seconds as well. If you pause at 1:19, the first clear image jean shorts is about to see is the size 11 Converse about to kick straight in the face.

1:19 – 1:21 – Two things are noteworthy – 1. the shirtless friend screaming like a drunken banshee and 2. jean shorts’ legs go limp, so that boot to the head CONNECTED! Just play dead, you’re already halfway there.

1:21 – 1:22 – Shirtless runs out of the store. Thanks a truck load, “friend”. Just leave me and black t-shirt to die in this River Tacos. Do you see what is happening in here? They’re killing us! You better be running to get some help and not a touch up on that chest tattoo because the next time we’ll hang out is our funeral. With friends like that shirtless kid who needs friends. He absolutely does nothing in the fight and acts like an idiot. I wonder what happened to black t-shirt’s cat. Remember he had a house cat with him when this all started? Also, off screen it seems like black guy just decked black t-shirt on top of the soda cup lids.

1:22 – 1:25 – Jean shorts is alive! This is like an M Night Shyamalanananana twist! I so thought he was dead. But his legs are weaker than a new born fawns and falls back to Earth. The black guy is zoning in on the death blow. The Hispanic Heavyweight Champion has left the building.

1:25 – 1:28 – That was close, but the black kid did show some restraint. Finally, the gourmet chefs of River Tacos stopped making their magical meals and have intervened. Apparently, the black kid was going to chair shot jean shorts head into the wall like this was The Rock vs. Mankind via “Royal Rumble 1999”. Black t-shirt on the other hand is back in the action and solid throws everything he has into this one punch that appears to miss.

1:28 – 1:31 – Definitely misses because that black guy walked away pretty easily. Jean shorts is trying to get back to his feet for round two. The Hispanic kid is back and the guys from River Tacos are hooting and hollering their corralling live stock.

1:31 – 1:35 – I think it is safe to say that the black guy and the Hispanic kid walked out of that River Tacos winners. But they didn’t get any tacos, which sucks because apparently they are the greatest tacos ever. Jean shorts is a bit wobbly still from having his skull cracked and receiving more concussions in a 30 second span than Troy Aikman did in his entire NFL career… and Troy had a lot.

1:35 – 1:48 – Yeah, he seems fine. My legs usually do that clicking walk too. Legs and walking are so tricky.

1:48 – 1:54 – Christ! Those kids kicked the shit out of jean shorts so badly they wrecked his motor skills. He has a limp now. They hit him so hard in the face that he walks with a limp now. Whatever part of your brain controls your legs from not limping is now long dead in this kid’s head.

1:54 – 3:00 – Well, that was the most exciting lunch break ever. It rivals the time Cirque Du Soleil burst in for an impromptu performance at the Burger King in the same strip mall.

Well, that was hysterical. I can’t really think of anything that could make this video any better…

Oh wait…

Yes I can…

Is it really?…

ANOTHER CAMERA ANGLE!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I LOVE LIFE!!!!!

I suggest watching this angle as well a million times. I’ll give you a quick breakdown of what you see in this camera angle that you didn’t get the chance to see in the other camera angle.

1:09 – The Hispanic kid lights up jean shorts with three consecutive shots to the head (two punches and a kick to the face) that all knock out that kid over and over again. For fuck’s sake! Miss a punch! Jesus this kid cannot throw a punch that isn’t knocking someone out. Sign this kid up for the UFC already. The kick to the head even lifts up the jean shorts kid a little and moves him.

1:15 – If that table wasn’t there then the Hispanic kid would have double leg takedowned the shirtless kid. That is basically divine intervention for the shirtless kid.

1:19 – 1:20 – OH JESUS!!!! WTF!!! That black kid nails that white kid right in the fucking face with that kick! And knocks him out again! If you see at the last moment the black kid actually has to adjust his kick around the fallen chair and still catches the kid straight in the face. They can’t miss! It’s like that kid’s chin and the other two kid’s fists and feet have magnets on them and BOOM!

1:27 – 1:28 – The black kid does show quite a bit of restraint because he really could have hit the white kid in the face immediately. He does grab the chair which is a tad worrisome as mentioned, but the best is next to come…

1:28 – 1:29 – HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Give the kid A for effort and an F for accuracy. The black t-shirt completely whiffs on that fastball punch and goes head first crashing into the boards. It is amazing he doesn’t break his neck with that stupidity.

1:30 – 1:43 – Do you see the shoe? The black t-shirt lost his shoe in the fracas.

1:43 – 1:50 – That is a pretty decent stanky leg that jean shorts is doing.

And… that was fantastic.

The white kid with the jersey and the jean shorts who got knocked out a hundred times also forgot his hat at the taco shop. I’m sure they don’t need to throw that in the lost and found because if he has the lack of dignity to show up at that taco shop again they’ll remember him. No doubt about that.

And that my fine friends is why people shouldn’t fight in real life.

Leave it to the professionals on TV.

 

 

 

 

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13 Responses to “When Was The Last Time You Got Knocked Out At A Taco Shop?”

  1. PWG said

    I so wish I could watch this at work right now.

  2. you have enriched my life with this in such a way that I may never be able to repay you. I mean that. this is the most glorious thing I have seen in some time.

    I love how the girl in the pink sweater catches the cat that the one guy so thoughtlessly tossed aside to rumble… like, did she give it back? did the cat carrier pause in his hasty retreat from the taco shop to grab fluffy?

    I know that jean shorts just had the piss beat out of him but my primary concern is animal safety. I mean the cat was an innocent bystander, he probably didn’t even want to go to the taco shop in the first place since cats don’t even LIKE taco’s. fact.

    • tiffanized said

      TACOCAT is a palindrome. Not sure of the relevance here, but it’s a thing I know and I am saying it in lieu of watching the damn video because I can’t.

    • Nikki said

      Oh, thank you for that. I was so worried about the cat!! Where’s the cat, what happened to the poor kitty? I went back to watch pink sweater girl and heaved a sigh of relief. But then shirtless guy seems to have got the cat back. I wish pink sweater girl had kept it, she didn’t throw it down to the ground at the first sign of stress! She wanted to help the poor scared kitty. Fuck the humans, cats (and of course PUPPIES) are much nicer people…

  3. kt said

    I was happy with one camera view and then I scroll down and find a second that is almost better than the first! Fabulous. I like how all the customers just like get up and leave at the end. I feel like I would wait for the cops that were obviously being called or something. I mean those guys set their empty cups on the table and walk out to their jeep or whatever parked right in front of the door… I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t be my reaction if I just watched some teenagers brawl in a taco shop that ended with some kid being mentally handicapped.

    • tiffanized said

      I was recently involved in a bar fight and I can tell you that I had no desire to be there when the cops showed. I don’t know how likely it is that any of those people were intoxicated BECAUSE I CAN’T WATCH THE DAMN VIDEO but I was not sober and I wasn’t about to get a drunk in public charge on my official record. Especially since there is so much stupid bullshit on my unofficial record. Anyway I don’t know the kind of neighborhood this tacofight went down in but a lot of the people who live in the less elite areas of my city don’t trust the cops and don’t give a flying squirrel whether the police have a complete report or not.

  4. OH HOLY SHIT. LOOK AT THAT KICK TO THE FACE!!!

    There was definitely wiping of blood at the 1:50 mark.

    Man, until now, the award for Best Video of a Fight in a Chain Restaurant went to “Ghetto Hood Rats Halloween Brawl Fight at Denny’s”. But clearly there is a new frontrunner.

    (I can’t remember where I first saw this video… I’m hoping it wasn’t here so that I’m not just being forgetful and redundant.)

    I’m still laughing at the ” Ricky take the cat with you!” dialogue.

    • Why am I totally incapable of embedding YouTube videos lately? I’m just copying and pasting the stupid code.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Fixed it – you were missing the “=” sign… just a refresher for everyone – embedding youtube on wordpress is “[ youtube=blahblahblah url ]”

      I like the Dennys halloween brawl and have seen it before, but I didn’t put it up on this site. CHICK FIGHT!

      I felt bad for the people at Dennys who had to put up with that. The Taco place only really had the table flipped over. So it wasn’t a huge mess, but many punches were landed cleanly.

      • Durrrrr I work in computers. Thanks.

        Chicks might land less punches but they will do more damage overall because we are the worst, most vindictive, vicious things on this planet.

        Happy International Women’s Day!

    • kt said

      OMG HOW HAVE I NEVER SEEN THAT! THAT WAS AMAZING!

  5. cledbo said

    That made my fuckin’ day.
    Though I must say it is things like this that make me trepidatious about visiting your country. Because I like tacos, and those tacos must be really good.

    Also, where the hell is a pathetic white wannabe gangbanger to throw punches you could drive a truck through around when you have the urge to beat the shit out of something at the end of a shit day? Where, I ask you!? River Tacos in Cali, apparently, but that’s not much help to me is it?

    “Hah, take that, hatless!”

  6. kid rock said

    My brother suggested I might like this website. He was once totally right. This post actually made my day. You can not consider simply how so much time I had spent for this information! Thank you!

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