Oh To Be Young And Conservative Without Any Morals

March 10, 2011

So… NPR is full of a bunch of idiots.

I think we can all agree about that. More so they are spineless idiots. But what makes them spineless idiots is they have federal funding, so they are supposed to have no bias or political lean.

The short story is that NPR fired someone who worked for them because they were secretly videotaped saying they thought the Tea Party movement was part racist and Islam-phobic. Those statements are completely correct by the way. Have you ever seen these Tea Party people in action? The crux is that people who work for private companies that do not receive federal funding can say that type of stuff, like Glenn Beck on Fox News calling President Barack Obama a racist. That is “perfectly” “fine” because Glenn doesn’t work for a company that receives federal funding.

Now everyone on the Conservative side is jumping on NPR for the halfwit who cares reasons they feel they need to. So… there are troops in Afghanistan, there are revolutions happening throughout North Africa and the Middle East, the economy is in the tank, Wisconsin is in a state of complete unrest, most states are dealing with large financial issues and are battling with breaking contract agreements that were arranged before our last President guillotined the economy, there is no football scheduled for next season, there is nothing good on TV nowadays, Charlie Sheen is a mess, the X-Men movie posters look stupid, Alex Pettyfer is somehow the hardest working man in America, they’re making a second GI Joe movie and this time it will be directed by the guy who did all three of the Step Up movies, Channing Tatum is planning a new Peter Pan movie where Pan and Hook are brothers, Africa… always AFRICA!

There are a lot of real problems out there and attacking the sad trumpets of the PBS of radio is completely fruitless. I don’t even know what channel on the radio NPR is! Who cares? What kind of ratings or money do they even get? No one NPR is throwing ice sculpture parties drinking platinum champagne out of gilded monkey skulls.

Anyway, I wanted to bring your attention more to the sophist James O’Keefe who did this secret videotaping of the NPR person. O’Keefe is my age I believe and has a website. He also targets what he perceives as liberal groups and his plan is to secretly videotape them and get them to do something stupid and then run a smear job on them until the group folds. He did that with ACORN by posing as a pimp and prostitute and having low level workers give them advice on how to hide their illegal deeds so they could avoid paying taxes on it as well as not get arrested. They also edited the video to make it look like they were dressed in these ridiculous pimp and ho outfits for these interviews, which was later revealed that they weren’t. The organization folded because of this and I guess bully to O’Keefe for putting the final nail in the coffin on a charity group that has lasted for around 40 years and did more than that stupid action by those stupid workers.

Nevertheless, this O’Keefe guy is at it again with his “successful” NPR taping. But there was a less than successful stunt he tried to pull in September of last year in which he was going to take down CNN and more specifically Abbie Boudreau – a reporter.

Here is the article Abbie wrote on the O’Keefe’s shenanigans that were expected to happen, but at the last minute didn’t happen from some unlikely interference. I’ll also throw in some of my thoughts throughout:

I’ve been a reporter for nine years. My first official day on the job was on 9-11.

First off, I need to start using this tactic more often. Most people I assume who are reading this article or hearing about this are not entirely in the know of Abbie Boudreau. She seems perfectly ok from the look of her, but I have no clue who Abbie Boudreau is outside of being a female reporter for CNN, which I’m only learning about because of this. So we need to establish some credibility quickly with Abbie over here and the best way to do that is… 9/11.

It worked for President Bush, it worked for Mayor Giuliani, it worked for many many people. Why not Abbie Boudreau? I think I’m going to start doing this.

I started writing on … 9/11.

If you did anything on 9/11 outside of plan or execute the terrorist attacks on the United States then you are a patriot and hero.

I started seeing the Want of Kristen Stewart on … 9/11.

Anyway, so 9/11 happened and Abbie Boudreau was not unemployed.

I was the bureau chief in Dubuque, Iowa, working as a one-man band.

One-“woman” band, please.

I shot my own video, set up my own live shots, and edited my own stories. I would bring home the police scanner to make sure the nights were quiet in this modest town along the grand Mississippi River. Only one time, in my year and two months working there, did that scanner wake me up. (It would be the first murder story I covered. I remember being one of the first reporters to show up. The police were hosing down the blood off the sidewalk, and the bloody water washed over my shoes. It’s something you don’t forget.)

And we all know how women feel about shoes, am I right?

Those days were long, and physical. I would go home and count the bruises on my legs and arms.

This leads into my next discussion about all women being clumsy. Why are you chicks so clumsy? I don’t know why exactly Abbie Boudreau had bruises on her arms and legs working at a TV station, but my guess is clumsiness.

There was nothing glamorous about this life. But that’s what I liked about it. I was a reporter – and I was proud of that.

As a woman in the news industry you have to be tough. I have always had to work harder than my male counterparts to be taken seriously and to be treated with respect.

Agreed. And that will be exactly what this article is about because James O’Keefe didn’t try to have sex with David Muir or Anderson Cooper… although I think he should have because I’m pretty sure he’s got a better shot at landing them than Abbie Boudreau. Cooper and Muir seem like good guys and maybe they would throw O’Keefe a pity fuck. I’m not so sure about Abbie Boudreau. She’s a tough chick cast from the iron fires of Iowa, so “pity fuck” might not be in her repertoire.

As a woman in the news industry you have to ignore all of the silly talk from your managers about the clothes you should wear on-air or what color your hair should be. I have had my share of conversations like that, and to be honest, it stings. I’m left wondering, “When will my work stand on its own? Why does this always have to be part of the conversation?”

Agreed. There should only be one rule and one rule only for males and females who plan on appearing on TV: whatever looks the sexiest. We need to get these mofos dressing sexy. I’m tired of hearing about local fires or traffic accidents or the protests in some country I’ll never go to from people who just don’t look sexy. For fuck’s sake, I don’t watch any TV programming on Sunday – Wednesday except for the 6-7pm block of news and I would like some sexiness in there. Hey Bill Ritter, show some chest hair and wear some lip gloss. Hey Liz Cho, whatever you’re wearing, wear less of it. Hey Diane Sawyer, push-up bra. Hey George Stephenapoloasodfjuouspopopololpopolous let’s get some tighter and shorter pants. It’s the news, but make it sexy.

Recently, I was the target of a failed punk. James O’Keefe, the so-called “pimp” in the ACORN expose videos, was participating in a detailed plan to “faux” seduce me on his boat.

This is when it starts getting good.

For months, I had been working on a documentary about the young conservative movement. James had called me about concerns he had regarding an upcoming shoot. He asked me to meet him to talk about the shoot. I agreed to fly to Maryland and then drive to his “office” for a face-to-face conversation with him.

When I showed up, there was no office, as promised. Instead, he wanted to get me on a boat, which we later learned, was staged as a “pleasure palace.”

Boom! Wowzers! Didn’t see that twist coming did you? If I get a boat it will always be called the “pleasure palace” regardless of what actually happens on that boat.

One of his colleagues, Izzy Santa, who was in Maryland that day, told me about the plan and stopped the punk before it happened.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Izzy Santa?!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BRILLIANT! Why go simple when you have a last name like “Santa”? Who the hell ends up with the last name “Santa”? Is your family from a long line of “Santas”? Amazing. Is there a chance that this name was one of those Ellis Island names that they just made up for the people? I wonder about that. Some D-bag working the line at Ellis Island. What’s your name? Santtorimus? Hmmm… How about we just call you “Santa” and have a good Christmas? Ok. NEXT!

Izzy told me he had “strawberries and champagne” waiting for me on the boat,

Sounds good to me…

and that he planned to “hit on me” the entire time.

Ugh sounds bad to me…

James O’Keefe is not a great looking guy and he also seems like a dickhead. If you could take Mark Zuckerberg, remove all that geniusness, take away all his money, and just leave the perceived I’m smarter than you and will prove it any cost attitude that many think Zucks has… then you kind of have O’Keefe. A talentless Zuckerberg. And just as anti-social, awkward and the two sort of look a like. They’re white – like really white. Like you wouldn’t even wonder what country their ancestors were from because you know they were white. That type of white. Like how the Pilgrims must have been the whitest people ever.

She said it would all be captured on hidden cameras that had been set up on the boat and in the back yard. She said the sole purpose of the “punk” was to embarrass me, and to make CNN look bad.

Could we stop using the word “punk”? Ashton Kutcher did not change the English language. He had a stupid TV show that doesn’t exist anymore – we can stop saying punk in a non ironic sense. Anyway, Izzy Santa appears to have some morals.

I would soon learn the details of the plan, in a 13-page document titled, “CNN Caper.”

THIRTEEN PAGES!!!!

This is why it can be infinitely frustrating to be a man because a man could write a 13 page document about attempting to seduce a chick. If it was the other way around, it would be one sentence – “and then Abbie Boudreau seduces James O’Keefe”. That’s it. She could just do that. Seriously, it wouldn’t take any for thought or anything. If she wanted to turn the tables on him in that scenario and seduce him it would take a second. Boom and it happens.

It explains the type of equipment needed to stage the boat for our meeting. Here is how the document reads:

Equipment needed

a. Video

1. hidden cams on the boat

2. tripod and overt recorder near the bed, an obvious sex tape machine

I need a sex tape machine. I didn’t know they sold those. Can I get that at Costco? A machine devoted to sex tapes.

b. Props

1. condom jar

A jar of them? Do I not know enough about condoms that they sell them in jars? Or does James prefer buying tons of condoms, taking them out of their box package and stick them into a jar? Like some people do with cereal where they empty the contents into a big tupperware piece thinking that keeps the cereal more fresh than the box it comes in.

2. dildos

I’m not sure how much of a seduction artist James is, but I don’t think “dildos” will help. Hey baby, you want to have sex? No… *pulls out a dildo*, how about you have sex with this and then with me? Does that work? I know dildos are just completely irresistible and everything.

3. Music

a. Alicia keys

b. 80s romance songs, things that are typically James

c. avoid Marvin Gaye as too cliche

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

What a plug for Alicia Keys? Hey, are you looking to have sex with someone who is completely out of your league and probably despises you and it would ruin their integrity as a professional in whatever career they have? Get you some Alicia Keys. Works every time. Throw on some of Ms. Alicia and the pants party begins immediately.

James likes 80’s romance songs? Yeah, tough conservatives always love 80’s romance songs.

I like that they think Marvin Gaye is too cliche as opposed to Luther Vandross or something. Although I imagine James thinks something from Foreigner or Journey is romance and not Luther.

4. lube

Anytime “lube” is present means the person is serious. No one buys lube on a whim. That is not an impulse purchase. I think I have everything on my list here: crackers, mustard, toilet paper, pork chops… and… hmmm… oh is that lube?

5. ceiling mirror

6. posters and paintings of naked women

7. playboys and pornographic magazines

Uhhhh… has that worked for anyone? I think I need to do a secret investigation into James O’Keefe striking out with any guy or girl he has ever tried to hook up with. If a girl walks into a room and sees a bunch of posters and PAINTINGS of naked women plus porno mags everywhere – I’m pretty sure their stranger danger alert system should be going off immediately.

8. candles

9. Viagra and stamina pills

10. fuzzy handcuffs

11. blindfold

HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Did he actually think this would work? Did he actually think he was going to seduce her and he would need all this stuff? Or was he planning on throwing them at her like Nerf footballs and hoping that was incriminating enough that a CNN reporter was on a boat with a bunch of sex paraphernalia they didn’t buy?

James was supposed to tape the following script before the meeting on the boat.

“My name is James, I work in video activism and journalism. I’ve been approached by CNN for an interview where I know what their angle is: they want to portray me and my friends as crazies, as non-journalists, as unprofessional and likely as homophobes, racists or bigots of some sort…”

“Instead, I’ve decided to have a little fun. Instead of giving her a serious interview, I’m going to punk CNN.

HAHAHAHAHAH THAT MAKES COMPLETE SENSE!!!!

Hey, do you know what would really prove that I’m not crazy, I’m a real journalist and that I’m professional? How about I buy a shopping cart of sex toys and try to bang the reporter who is doing the story and I’ll film it because that doesn’t sound “crazy” or “unprofessional”?

Hey, I’m not racist and I’m going to prove it by burning a cross on a black family’s front lawn. Makes sense to me James.

Abbie has been trying to seduce me to use me, in order to spin a lie about me. So, I’m going to seduce her, on camera, to use her for a video. This bubble-headed-bleach-blonde who comes on at five will get a taste of her own medicine, she’ll get seduced on camera and you’ll get to see the awkwardness and the aftermath.”

It certainly will be awkward. I can guarantee that. I really wish that James had made this video because his failed attempt at trying to seduce this “bubble-headed-bleach-blonde” would have been spectacular.

“Please sit back and enjoy the show.”

It explains very simply what “the joke” is.

“The joke is that the tables have turned on CNN. Using hot blondes to seduce interviewees to get screwed on television, you are faux seducing her in order to screw her on television.”

I wish this was true. I wish that CNN really was using “hot blondes” to seduce subjects into thinking they’re about to have sex with the “hot blonde” and then at the last second they get them to admit they screwed over the country in some regard and are guilty and then they leave them with blue balls. Hahahah… I think I have an idea for my own TV channel.

It goes on to explain how James should “adapt” to my mood on the boat.

“As the operation is going on, James will have to adapt and adjust to her mood and her reaction. If she is pulling away, withdraw and pull her back in. If she’s unsure, comfort her and reassure her. Vacillate between somewhat serious interview and the come-hither persona as needed in order to confuse her judgment and also keep her on the boat.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

He seriously thinks he could have fucked Abbie Boudreau.

I can just imagine him sitting at home listening to Kenny G with his night guard in his mouth reading back issues of Men’s Edge Magazine and “Hook up” guide for dummies.

James says that he wasn’t really going to follow through with the plan. He e-mailed CNN this statement:

“That is not my work product. When it was sent to me, I immediately found certain elements highly objectionable and inappropriate, and did not consider them for one minute following it.”

Says the guy who dressed up as a pimp to shut down ACORN or who got a job with the Census bureau solely to be a bad employee and talk about still getting paid, or was recently in front of a federal judge for illegal actions concerning another “punk” in Louisiana. Your moral barometer is not sincere.

But that does not appear to be true, according to a series of emails we obtained from Izzy Santa, who says the e-mails reveal James’ true intentions.

Way to go Izzy. She wins the merit badge for today.

All of this is so disappointing. I never wanted to become a part of the story – especially under such strange circumstances.

I have worked so hard to have people pay attention to my work, and to be a respected journalist. I don’t want to be judged based on anything other than my work. But apparently, I represent all of the things this group hates about the mainstream media. They feel because of the way I look that I do not matter, and that my reporting is a joke.

True, they do feel that way, but they also think CNN is some big liberal think tank, so don’t be too offended. If you were one of the many hot blondes on Fox News then they wouldn’t target you at all. So remember that. They’re definitely sexist, but they’re also just annoying ass paranoid Republicans.

They don’t know anything about my work ethic – my history – my dedication and commitment – and my love for reporting. They just saw my blonde hair. And the ironic thing is that I’m really a brunette.

I get she needed to end on something, but… whatever.

Kind of ruins the fantasy I had going where I was going to write a congratulatory piece about Abbie Boudreau and invite her to my “pleasure palace” and get her all hot with dildos and my paintings of nekkid chicks and then I would take some penis pills and we would start emptying out the contents of my condom jar while being soothed by the soulful tones and erotic piano playing of Alicia Keys.

Whatever. O’Keefe is an idiot. He doesn’t prove if it anyone is wrong or right. He is just trying to smear them and move on. He is another “great” addition to this young Conservative movement that in no time at all will be the actual Conservative movement.

Hey, how should we fix the budget? Um… can I fake a sex tape with the budget? Me dicking the budget on tape and then the budget gets so embarrassed it goes away? That makes sense right?

I’m done.

Questions?

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19 Responses to “Oh To Be Young And Conservative Without Any Morals”

  1. PWG said

    I am in love with this story. I want to fuck this story six ways from Sunday with a dildo, bottle of lube, ceiling mirror and fuzzy handcuffs. (The “fuzzy” part is how you know Mr. O’Keefe is just sensitive and playful, not a real BDSM afficionado. Oh, you!)

    I laughed so goddamned hard reading this. Conspicuously absent from the shopping list are roofies. I’m glad J’OKe is confident enough in his game that he didn’t think he’d need to drug her to film some wacky hijinks. I want pictures of the boat. I want to borrow the boat. I want to hear the 80’s songs he had picked out. I want to see the receipt for the sex shop he went to so I can tell what kind of dildos he thought would seal the deal.

    I have never watched reality shows, unless you count Dirty Jobs or Mythbuster, or something. But I would not only watch a reality show that follows this guy around, I would pay a subscription fee. He is such a delusional jackass. I’m embarrassed for anyone who’s actually slept with him already. I’m sure it was magical.

  2. tiffanized said

    I like how this guy makes a plan to seduce a reporter like he’s a character in a bad rom com. I’m guessing if it had worked he would’ve fallen in love with this seemingly brash but secretly soft hearted woman and at the end of the movie he would’ve handed over the video tape in an act proving his true love for her. And if it didn’t work he could be like “I didn’t want her. It was for my CAUSE.” Guys are forever requesting ridiculous/illegal sex acts and then saying, “Oh, I’m just kidding. UNLESS YOU’RE GOING TO DO IT.”

    I have bad luck with lube. The last time I bought lube was at Wal Mart late at night and they accidentally didn’t give me the bag, so I had to go back at 1 am and ask the customer service desk if anyone had turned in my lube. Also I once texted a guy I was dating that my lube had come open and oiled up the interior of my purse, but his dad was using his phone when the text came through and saw what I wrote.

    I do love how the country is a freight train of fucked up careening off it’s tracks and we’re worried because someone at NPR “thinks” the Tea Party, in general, is made up of poorly educated racist fucknecks. I also like how calling someone a racist is somehow worse than actually being one. And how the NPR thing has gotten more coverage than the arrest yesterday of a white supremacist in the attempted bombing of a MLK day parade in Washington state.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      The national Tea Party leader Judson Phillips called Minnesota Democrat Rep. Keith Ellison a radical Muslim who supports terrorists… hmmm so why can’t NPR say the Tea Party doesn’t like Muslims?

      Also, the dude’s name is “Keith” – what kind of terrorist supporter is named “Keith” anyway? Jeez…

      • tiffanized said

        No kidding. Our president sounds more like a Muslim than old Representative Ellison. Who gave stunning and thoughtful testimony in front of the House Homeland Security Committee today during their [racist, xenophobic] hearing on “The Extent of Radicalization in the American Muslim Community and that Community’s Response.” I’m looking forward to that same committee’s hearing on the radicalization of American right-wing white conservative community.

  3. PWG said

    “That is not my work product. When it was sent to me, I immediately found certain elements highly objectionable and inappropriate, and did not consider them for one minute following it.”

    Certain elements. Certain elements were inappropriate. I’m thinking he was okay with everything except the candles. Fire can be dangerous on a boat.

    “If she is pulling away, withdraw and pull her back in.”

    Like with a grappling hook, am I right?

    This reminds me of the Saturday Night Live skit on the Clarence Thomas hearings. There’s a part where all the Sentators are trying to give Thomas seduction advice, and the guy playing Teddy Kennedy says, “Have you ever tried taking them out on a boat? It’s hard for them to get away.”

    • PWG said

      I couldn’t find the video, but the transcript is great.

      Sen. Strom Thurmond: I agree with Senator Heflin. Yeah, that’s right! The women like something with more stories and costumes, that’ll transport ’em to another place and time. That’s right! Women don’t like close-ups of oversized genitalia! That’s just never gonna turn ’em on!
      [ committee agrees ]
      Sen. Edward Kennedy: A, uh.. another good thing is to get them out on your boat for some reason, because, uh.. because then it’s really hard for them to get away.
      Sen. Joseph Biden: Do you have a question, Senator Kennedy?
      Sen. Edward Kennedy: Uh, yes, I do. Have you ever tried coming out of the bathroom nude, and acting like you didn’t know someone was there?

      • I know this is an entirely different skit that took place in an entirely different government (British Parliament, holla!)… but this just makes me think of Will Ferrell standing up and screaming “TINKY WINKY IS NOT A HOMOSEXUAL!”

        Ah, remember when SNL wasn’t the worst thing on TV? Good times.

  4. tiffanized said

    Let me also add that if I were ever planning to sleep with a guy and I got back to his place to find a jar of condoms on open display, naked pictures of other women everywhere, Viagra, fuzzy handcuffs, a ceiling mirror and dildos (plural), the deal would be off. It would be soooo off. I might delay long enough to take photos to post on Facebook, but then, it’s the lifeboat exit for me. Or life jacket. Or arm floaties. Or death by drowning/sharks/overly aggressive dolphins.

  5. kt said

    NPR is 89.7 here. I listen to it all the time. Anyways, I kinda don’t even know what to say about this dude because I am just that blow away and I feel like everything has already been covered. The only thing slightly impressive here is that he had the cojones to try and pull it off and think it would work. Delusions, cojones, sometimes they are interchangeable.

  6. Milfie is amazed, shocked, and saddened by people’s stupidity. I’ve only been awake for two hours today and I’ve already met my stupid quota. which is to say my quota on how much stupid I can take, not that my quota is stupid.

    anyway I’m going back to bed. fare thee well, thursday.

  7. Based on his 13 page manifesto on “How To Get In Them There Britches”, I’d say there’s like an 87% chance that James O’Keefe is a virgin.

    The beginning of Ms. Bordeau’s spiel sounds like what I imagine Anchorman would be if it were a drama. I like it better as a comedy.

    I’m late to the party today, and everyone’s already said all the smart/witty things I wanted to say (but said them smarterer and wittierer), so I’ll just say “ditto”.

    • tiffanized said

      I just saw a picture of James O’Keefe looking like McLovin from SuperBad. I wouldn’t say for sure he’s a virgin, but I’m guessing there are about 1.5 ladies out there he’s underwhelmed.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Are you saying suggesting James O’Keefe had sex with a post-op tranny?

        That is a story I want to read on Yahoo. Can anyone else hear that? It’s someone whispering… UNDERCOVER EXPOSE!!!!

        Actually, they were yelling it.

      • tiffanized said

        The implication was more of an incomplete attempt with a biological woman, but your wild accusation is just as fun. Run with it. Perhaps we can create a 13-page plan for getting O’Keefe to be seduced by someone outside of the gender binary.

  8. cledbo said

    Out of all that, the thing that offended me the most was that he worked for the Census and fucked with them on purpose.

    I would have stabbed that motherfucker with my Census pen if he was one of my staff. Scratch that, I never would have recruited the asshole in the first place.
    Trying to sleep with a reporter (be they professional and talented or not) who would as soon as cut your dick off with her razor-sharp attitude rather than even have a mental picture of you naked is one thing – do not fuck with statistics, boy. Just…don’t.

    I like the quote on his Wikipedia page that a union rep called him – “flat-out sleazy” <– there's your answer to the question of how to describe this douchebag in 3 words or less.

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