He Put His Hitler Mustache To Their Hitler Mustache In Their Underpants

March 15, 2011

Today is Tuesday and today’s Tuesday will be sexy, so “Sexy Tuesday”. It is so “Sexy Tuesday” and it requires a sexy topic. A topic of sex. A topic of true sexiness that lives up to the sexiness of this Tuesday. A Tuesday of pure maddening sex. Sex that makes you mad. And it is Tuesday. Sex Tuesday and mad and topic and I write about it. Tuesday Sex! Sexy Tuesday is so sexy maddening with the sex and the Tuesday! Put that sex in your Tuesday and sex it. Sex up that Tuesday until sex is pouring out of your Wednesday. Get your Wednesday all soppy wet form the sex of your Tuesday. Put so much sex on that Tuesday that it hurts all the way through the Thursday. Slap that Tuesday with sex. Slap it sexy style with sex on a Tuesday on the Tuesday on your Tuesday until it stanks of the sex through Friday. Get up on that sexy thang all sex style on your Tuesday till it is sopping sex on your Wednesday and hurting sexy on your Thursday and stinking of that sex all the way till Friday. Sexy Tuesday. So Sexy Tuesday.

What could be any sexier than learning about the women who had sex with Adolf Hitler?

Oooohhh baby. So Sexy Tuesday. Fuhrer sex. Fuhrer sex on a Tuesday. Third Reich sex on a Tuesday. So evil so glad he killed himself in a bunker on a sexy Tuesday. So Sexy Tuesday. Let’s talk about his sex!

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Oooooohhh Sexy Tuesday!

Last week, LIFE magazine, yes that LIFE magazine, posted a gallery of rare photographs of Eva Braun, the Michael Jordan of evil mistresses. This photo gallery I believe I will give a breakdown of it on Thursday or maybe whenever. But at the end of the gallery there was a link to another LIFE picture gallery and it was titled “Hitler’s Lovers”. UN-BELIEVE-ABLE! There were 12 photos and with them 12 little stories that were hysterical. So, in bold is the the LIFE quotes and in this regular type face is my witticisms of sex involving Hitler. So Sexy Tuesday!

By the way, the soundtrack for this post is “Secret Lovers” by Altantic Starr. Or 70’s porn music.

Even though he’s become the modern-day paragon for evil, Adolf Hitler also had his strangely romantic side, and was attached (or rumored to have been attached) to several women throughout his lifetime. The most famous, of course, was his longtime suffering mistress and wife of scarcely a day, Eva Braun (pictured), who committed suicide with him in their bunker shortly after their wedding. But she was only the last, not the first. Here: Hitler and Braun on the day of their wedding and the day before their deaths.

Sooo Sexy!

There are a couple of adjectives that you do not want to be used to describe your romantic side and “strangely” is chief among them. Also, when someone is discussing your “longtime mistress” it usually is not a good thing to have the word “suffering” thrown into the mix right about there. You know, what I mean? And like your typical happily/strangely/suffering married couple they had quite the exciting and memorable honeymoon where they committed suicide… together. Oooohhh secret lovers! That’s what we are. Ooooh so sexy. I also love the trio of guys’ faces between the happy/suffering couple. It’s like they are the usual dickhead groomsmen. Hey, you want a place bet on this marriage not lasting? Sure, I’m down. I bet they don’t make a year before Eva is mysteriously killed by an SS patrol group. Yeah? Well, I don’t think they are going to make it 48 hours before they kill each other. Hahaha… Actually, I’m not joking. It is codename: crackshot and it is happening in 40 hours.

Oh Nazis. I hope they’re all dead by painful means.

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Maria “Mitzi” Reiter was 16 when the 37-year-old Hitler struck up a relationship with her in 1926. Hitler allegedly promised her marriage and “blonde children,” but kept putting her off because he felt his mission in life had to come first. Depressed by his constant rejection, she hanged herself but survived and married an SS officer. Hitler’s sister Paula later said that Reiter was the only person who might have been able to prevent Hitler from becoming a monster.

Jeez Hitler, robbing the cradle much? Not surprising considering he did almost succeed in killing off every trace of my people on this Earth, so him taking a 21 year younger lover is probably not toooo surprising. It’s pretty funny that Hitler and I have a similar strategy when hitting on chicks, go so young that you can mystify them with just about anything you say and promising them “blonde children” and for me it is “red bearded children” as well. What a tease Hitler is. Promises her children and then doesn’t deliver on it. It was just Nazi pillow talk baby. Seriously, chicks are ridiculous. This chick hanged herself over Hitler, not because he forced her at gun point like he did with millions of others. She willfully hung herself because she wanted his penis that badly. But she failed at it because she sucked at life and married some guy who worked for Hitler. Also, I like the sister Paula because I love to death hyperbole. You think your sister could have prevented HITLER from becoming a monster. I think you are way over-estimating the pussy power your 16 year old sister had. Just saying.

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By most accounts, Hitler’s greatest love was also incestuous.

Ooooohhh so Sexy Tuesday!

He was obsessed with Angela “Geli” Raubal, the daughter of his half-sister, whom he allegedly began a relationship with when she was 17. Hitler was a fanatically controlling uncle/lover and kept her nearly imprisoned in his apartment in Munich or his villa near Berchtesgaden. Many claimed Raubal never returned his affections.

Ugh vomit “uncle/lover”. Technically, she is only like a 1/4 related, right? Also, she’s a year older than the other girl with the crippling pussy power that changes the fate of mankind. Is it really any shock to you that Hitler got into incest. I mean I’m expecting Hitler got into everything, right? He killed people. Millions of people. What’s him fucking a member of his bloodline? Right? What’s the big deal? What’s the big deal about imprisoning a member of your bloodline to have uncle/love with them when you are spending the rest of your life burning Europe to the ground and killing off entire ethnic groups?

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In 1931, at the age of 23, Raubal was found dead in Hitler’s Munich apartment with a gunshot wound to her chest.

Sexy Tuesday!!

It was declared a suicide, but many believe the future German dictator may have killed her after a quarrel over her plan to move to Vienna. The bullet came from Hitler’s personal Walther. It is generally believed that after Raubal died, Hitler’s personality darkened, and that he became incapable of close, meaningful relationships with other people. “That was when the seeds of inhumanity began to grow inside Hitler,” Hitler’s longtime photographer said later.

Again, I think we are over estimating this young girl who is also his niece’s pussy power. Hitler wrote his hilarious novella Mein Kampf 6-7 years earlier. The book came out in 1925 meaning he started writing it either before he started imprison sexing his niece or around the same time. I’m not so sure her death had too much affect on him because he seemed to be way past the line of reason already. Plus, he probably killed her. It was his gun! Like I’m guessing he probably kept track of that gun. And didn’t just leave it lying around. I don’t think I’m really leaping to any unforeseen conclusions by thinking that HITLER killed someone. He organized camps where millions were systematically murdered by gas chambers, firing squads, ovens, malnourishment, beating and so on, so one little bullet in one chick’s head that disagreed with him is probably not too big of a deal for ole’ Hitler.

Soooo… Sexy.

By the way, let’s go to the scoreboard.

Eva Braun – kills herself

16 year old – tried to kill herself, failed, married a Hitler henchman

Niece – killed herself or was shot and killed by Hitler

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After the failed 1923 Beer Hall Putsch, Hitler was rumored to have had a brief affair with Erna Hanfstaengl, the elder sister of his friend Ernst “Putzi” Hanfstaengl. Other accounts, however, held that she regarded Hitler’s clumsy attempts to court her as comical. Here: Hitler, his personal pilot, and Ernst Hanfstaengl (right) travel during an election campaign in 1930.

Hitler looks like he is wearing a bald cap and maybe about to perform with the Three Stooges.

Well, they don’t mention how old this broad is, but she is the “elder” sister, so maybe not too too young. Either way, was Hitler breaking guy code? That’s the question. If this was his younger sister then I think guy code was most definitely broken. If this “elder” sister is elder than him then I don’t think guy code is broken. I feel like if your older sister is single and your friend is trying to make it legal then let him. That’s just me. If I’m old enough to know my friend and what wayward or none wayward ways he has and she’s older than me then she should be able to see it as well. Nevertheless, if that friend of mine was Hitler then I’m pretty sure I would do all I could to keep the two apart forever. Also, I would have beaten him to death with my fists and the heel of my boot. We’re talking about Hitler still. Nevertheless, the “I promise you blonde children” line doesn’t work as well on girls who can drive and vote legally.

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The Nazis lavished attention on German actress Renate Mueller as the Aryan ideal of a woman, and a suitable replacement for the anti-Nazi Marlene Dietrich, who had fled to Hollywood. But she was reluctant to star in Nazi propaganda films, and it was rumored they were pressuring her to stop seeing a Jewish lover.

Really? She’s the “ideal”? She definitely looks like she “can get it”, but “ideal”? She’s kind of a plain Jane if you ask me and she’s just lazily hanging out in bed like shes a cast member of The Jersey Shore. Just laying around in bed all day. I also like that they were “pressuring her to stop seeing a Jewish lover”, so two things: 1. Jew dick was all up in this broad and 2. not to sound too harsh, but why didn’t they just kill her Jewish lover. They were killing all the Jews, why beat around the bush on this one? Anyway, how could she really resist a well circumcised Jew penis? It’s clean and it’s holy.

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In 1937, Mueller fell, jumped, or was pushed from a hotel window and died. She was 31. According to the exiled German director Adolf Zeissler, Mueller confessed to him that she had had a disastrous one-night stand with Hitler, in which the German chancellor writhed around on the floor begging her to kick him so that he could become sexually aroused. Her defenestration occurred only days later, and several witnesses reported seeing Gestapo agents enter her building just before her fall.

Oooooohhhh So Sexy Tuesday!

Seriously, do not have sex or even a long dinner with Hitler because you get got afterward. I feel like there may be a pattern emerging that this Hitler fellow was not a good guy. All these broads are dead! And not of old age either. Again, is it at all surprising to you that Hitler would be in some weird S&M stuff like needing to be kicked while lying on the floor to get hard? He seems to be pretty ahead of his time though. 1937? That was way before Spankwire. Lastly, I would hate it if the only way I could get hard was lying on the ground and being kicked by a pretty lady. It seems like so much work and effort. I am perfectly happy with my current methods of getting aroused the old fashion way: kung-fu movies.

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Hitler was a great admirer of Inge Ley, the wife of buffoonish Nazi official Robert Ley, and rumors circulated through Germany that the two were having an affair. Hitler even reportedly had a nude painting of her hung in one of his homes, but there was no solid evidence of a sexual relationship. Ley killed herself in 1942, possibly because of depression brought on by a drug addiction she acquired after a difficult childbirth.

Another word you don’t want to be used to describe you: buffoonish. Nah, he fucked her. Or at the very least she kicked him until he got hard and then he jerked off on her high heels or something. I mean he had a nude painting of her hung in one his homes. Not just a nude photo, but a nude painting and not just had it, but had it hung in one of his homes. That is pretty much an admission of guilt on both parties. Photographs had been around for quite a while at that time and it was a painting. First off, in today’s world if your buddy has nude pics of your wife then they’re probably fucking. Like if she took a second with her cellphone and snapped a pic of her nipple and then texted it to him then she’s put his d in her p. That happened. And that pic/text took all of a minute. Meanwhile, a painting takes forever. She was nude forever to get that painting done. And I would bet fully nude. People don’t get nude paintings done of some chick just showing a nipple. Kind of a waste. Anyway, I would also guess they had sex because she killed herself and that seems to be the MO of former Hitler lovers.

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English socialite Unity Mitford became so infatuated with the Nazi movement that she moved to Munich and ingratiated herself into Hitler’s inner circle in the mid-1930s. (It also helped that her middle name was Valkyrie, and that Hitler was obsessed with Norse myths.) He later called her “a perfect specimen of Aryan womanhood.”

I like the Nazi pin. Can’t wear a single outfit without promoting arguably the most horrifying group in human existence. Also can we just get this out of the way, Unity was a terrible person. I would even say a cunt. That sounds harsh, but she moved to become a Nazi. Like she wasn’t forced into it or nothing. She literally chose to become a Nazi. The Nazis were trying their best to destroy the country and the people she came from and she moved to become a Nazi. She’s an awful human being. And her name is “Unity Valkyrie”? Just a weirdo.

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Eva Braun became extremely jealous of Mitford’s close relationship with Hitler. “She is known as the Valkyrie and looks the part, including her legs. I the mistress of the greatest man in Germany and the whole world, I sit here waiting while the sun mocks me through the window panes,” Braun wrote in her diary. Hitler began paying Braun more attention again after she made a suicide attempt. Here: Unity Mitford (left) with two sisters in 1932.

Bitches hatin’ bitches. Nazi bitches hating other Nazi bitches!

Did you learn anything from that last couple sentences, ladies? Just a playful suicide attempt or two will get that man back in your life. It is only mention once here, but Braun attempted suicide several times to keep ole’ Hitler on his toes and in her bed. Want that necklace you always wanted? Suicide attempt!

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When Britain declared war on Germany, Mitford was so upset that she shot herself in the head with a pearl-handled pistol Hitler had given her as a gift. She survived and returned to England, but never fully recovered. In 1948, she died of complications from the bullet still lodged in her skull. Here: Mitford (second from left) at London’s Germany Embassy Christmas Party, hosted by the Anglo-German Fellowship, in 1938.

Bam! Another suicide? Who would’ve guessed? Did Hitler’s penis release a toxin that led women to suicide? Because I have some evidence that would suggest this theory holds some water. And she shot herself with the gun present that Hitler gave. What a great present giver Hitler was? Here’s a gun, m’lady. But she survived the bullet to the head until it finally caught up to her in 1948. I’m still ruling it a suicide. Who said there is a time limit on suicide? Why was she let back into England by the way? I feel like that was a ridiculous decision by England. Hello! She fucked Hitler! She has relinquished her passport by doing that in my opinion.

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In 2007, an article in the British magazine The New Statesman alleged that Mitford had become pregnant by Hitler and gave birth to his baby in a British hospital after her return to England. The baby, the magazine said, was given up for adoption. Here: Unity Mitford with her sister Diana Mitford (also a staunch Fascist and anti-Semite) with Diana’s two children in 1935.

Oh that’s good news. Both of these women were cunts. Staunch fascist and anti-Semite? Great. And their two blonde haired non-smiling short short wearing boys look like they hate the Jews just as much.

So Sexy Tuesday!

Basically, there was arguably a 1:1 odds that you killed yourself or you were killed if you had sex with Hitler. Is anyone else surprised that Hitler got laid this much? I guess uniforms and power are that sexy because a weird and crazy angry little man with a square mustache could nail all these bitches and be covered in the blood of an entire continent at the same time.

So Sexy Tuesday! It’s just so sexy!

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9 Responses to “He Put His Hitler Mustache To Their Hitler Mustache In Their Underpants”

  1. kt said

    1. That first paragraph gave me a headache.
    2. “Defenestration” is a fuckawesome word and I’m pretty sure this is the first I have ever seen/used it.
    3. Was this an educational post? It kinda feels like an educational post* and those are my favorite kind of posts*.

  2. I am really not feeling Unity. first of all her name is jacked, and so is her face. like I get that people looked “different” back then (yall know what I’m talking about..they did. anyway) but I am not feeling it. does nothing for me. Renate, however, is a hottie. I give her a solid 8.5 which from me is quite quite high. I do not give out 8.5’s frivilously. for example almost all actresses get a 7, scarlet dolphinface johanssen gets only a 5…and then the shinning leader of WANT of course gets a solid 10 but she’s the only one.

    ok and also maybe ellen page gets a 10 because I love her and want to adopt beautiful brunette little children with her….

    I honestly feel bad for all of these Hitler-seduced women and I will tell you why: Firstly, hitler put his penis in them

    EW EW EWWWWW OMG EW. like if we were playing fuck or die, I would die. I would die a thousand fiery deaths so fast people would be like, whoah.

    secondly, back before women had rights and jobs and 401k,s and could wear pants (literally) it was tough to be a woman. you were like expected to not have opinions or orgasms and life must have been hard like that..so I bet the lack of thinking and getting off could have lead to not so stellar decision making skills. I mean they weren’t even supposed to have decision making skillz back then I think so… I can see how they were lead astray

    but I still can’t forgive them for the hitler sex. I dont have a problem with the kink but HAVE YOU SEEEN the guy? and his mustache?! not ok. you’re never living that one down.

    luckily you’re not gonna live long anyway…

    I’m done now.

  3. Thanks for providing a soundtrack. And thanks for getting “Secret Uncle/Lover” stuck in my head.

    I had no idea Jew peen was holy. You learn something new every day. I’m trying really hard to behave myself and not crack jokes about “parting the Pink Sea” and likening oral funtimes to communion, so… you know, be proud of me or whatever.

    I’m pretty hung up on this idea of there possibly being Hitler spawn somehwere in the UK. Shouldn’t some nosy TV special be invading the privacy of every single male orphan in his early 70s right now? Come on, England. Don’t start having morals now.

  4. PWG said

    Why did Hitler wear a swimming cap when he traveled by air? It bothers me to see him smiling. I mean he bothers me all the time, but much more when he looks jolly. I don’t know what you’re all happy about, Mr. I’m-Hitler-on-the-evil-scale-that-goes-from-One-to-Hitler.

    I’m also on the Unity Valkyrie Mitford hate train. Plus confused by her timeline. She was in Germany, she shot herself, she returned to England. Plus, she supposedly gave birth to devilspawn once she returned to England. So she shot herself while she was pregnant? Because I doubt Hitler visited her once she returned to England.

    I’m sure her nephews the humorless shortpants boys turned into fine, well-adjusted young men. Since their mother and aunt were such sane people.

  5. cledbo said

    I am thoroughly grossed out.
    Buckles? On white loafers? Really? Were they trying to make them gay and therefore the laughing stock of the entire extreme Right Wing?

    What are a Valkyrie’s legs supposed to look like in Eva Braun’s book? Because I get images of thighs that would make grown Tour de France cyclists weep, not the dainty pins no doubt topped by Ms Mitford’s hateful torso. Also, it would have been way funnier if she’d written “She’s known as the Valkyrie and looks the part, except for her legs which resemble Polish toothpicks.”

    • HAHAHA oh god I just noticed their shoes.

      I must say though, the little boy on the left wants it, hard.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        I think everyone, but Diana want it in that picture. Is Diana so dense with a love for fascism and hatred for Semites that she doesn’t understand how photographs work?

  6. kt said

    I hate no post Wednesdays.

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