Eva Braun Was More Than Just Tits And Ass – Part 1

March 17, 2011

It’s St. Patrick’s Day.

The NCAA Tournament is on today.

Today is a great day. A great day of things that are happening as opposed to days where it seems like nothing is happening. You can choose to live your life anyway you want to today or you can spend the whole day watching NCAA basketball where college kids and can become legends right in front of your eyes. Or you can get shit faced pee in your pants drunk because it is the Irish Holiday of Irishness. St. Patrick rid Ireland of snakes and now I salute him with alcohol poisoning and vomit. It’s a nice trade off.

Anyway, who fucking cares?

I’m here to talk about the Fuhrer’s main squeeze and international lady of the sexy Holocaust…

EVA BRAUN!!!

As mentioned on Tuesday when I was talking about Hitler’s other bitches, I’m going to talk about this bitch too in much greater detail. That last sentence was sort of unnecessary. But on Tuesday, I talked about the other ladies of Adolf Hitler’s life and a little bit about Braun. Today will all be about BRAUN! BRAUN BABY BRAUN! There was a big gallery of 30 pictures of Eva and I will be cutting the gallery in half – I’m going to section these two galleries into two distinct ghettos and today, St. Patrick’s day, is the first. Tomorrow that has no special meaning, but there will be the second ghetto of Eva Braun pictures, so basically it is your birthday. Your birthday celebrated in pictures of the wife of the most horrible man in human history. Your birthday split into two days of Eva Braun pictures with my ridiculing comments under them. Thank you LIFE magazine! Happy Birthday!

LIFE’s comments are in bold and my comments are in not bold. unbold.

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Panty shot!

Recently released photographs from Eva Braun’s personal picture albums reveal new dimensions of the woman who was Adolf Hitler’s longtime girlfriend and, in their last, frantic hours together, his wife. Braun became the central woman in Hitler’s life after the 1931 suicide of Geli Raubal, the future Führer’s 23-year-old niece (and rumored lover).

Every couple needs that cute story of how they got together. Oh us? We started seeing each seriously after his niece committed suicide or was maybe shot and killed by him and he was fucking her. After that, he really was interested in settling down with me. The crazy Cupid.

By all accounts, Eva was an unpretentious companion for the Nazi leader, but also a woman at once frivolous and vain — unsurprising characteristics, perhaps, in a former teenage model, but striking in a figure long associated with the darkest chapters of the 20th century. This collection of rare photos comes from a cache of images confiscated by the U.S. Army in 1945 and brought to light by collector and curator Reinhard Schulz. Pictured: Eva Braun in a rowboat on Lake Worthsee near Munich in 1937.

Unpretentious, but frivolous and vain are marks of a teenage model? Bitches. Am I right? Even in Nazi Germany there were teenage models, which is great. No matter what the society, there is always a need to single out who is “hot or not”. The Nazis knew it, but they took it to the extreme. I won’t lie, the Nazis were on to something by breeding hot dudes with hot women. I mean I think that happens already in life because people usually end up with a fairly reasonable equivalent of themselves, but to specifically make it happen as well is great. There is nothing wrong with that. But the killing off of everyone else sucks. But again breeding hot people who have hot parents… really that isn’t the worst idea.

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Uhhhh, here are some Jews we killed in this one, Eva. I believe this one is a town in Poland that we bombed… hmmm… actually this is also a town in Poland we bombed. Wait, a second these are all pictures of towns we bombed in Poland. We bombed them an awful lot. Whatevs.

Eva, the second daughter of a respectable Bavarian Catholic family, became a photographer’s model at age 17, working in the Munich studio of Heinrich Hoffman (above, left), the official photographer of the Reich. Through the job, Braun met “Herr Wolff,” an older man with “a funny moustache” whose real name was Hitler. By 1931 Braun and Hitler were, in effect, a couple, and Hitler was the undisputed star of Germany’s fast-growing Nazi Party. (Eva’s sister, Gretl, married Hermann Fegelein, a general in the Nazi SS. Gretl survived the war. Fegelein did not; he was executed — some say by Hitler’s own orders — in 1945.)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH – Executed Nazis?! Hysterical!

Pictured: Heinrich Hoffmann, Eva Braun, and Hitler at Hitler’s residence, the Berghof near Berchtesgaden, Germany, 1942. Hitler and Braun are looking at photos Hoffmann has brought to the Berghof.

That’s it? He was the older man with “a funny moustache”? Can people compartmentalize or what? He was hijacking the country’s political structure with an angry group of blood thirsty militants. They burned down the German parliament. Just a “funny moustache”? 

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Eva Braun sits on the terrace at Berghof, Hitler’s home in the Alps, 1942. A photography buff, she took many photos of daily life at Berghof; note the camera by her side. But her life would not long remain so idyllic.

A photography buff? Yeah, she was a young chick who partied. I guess they’re all photography “buffs” because have you seen Facebook. It is all chicks do. They’re not “photography buffs” they just like to take pictures if they have the money to own a camera to take endless pictures with. So here is Eva Braun, she got drunk and took pictures and slept with mass murderers and enjoyed tea on a ledge overlooking the Alps. Bitch.

By April, 1945, as Russian and German troops fought — savagely, street-by-street — for control of Berlin, it became increasingly clear that the Allies would win the war in Europe. Hundreds of thousands perished in the Battle of Berlin, including untold numbers of civilian men, women, and children. But it was two particular deaths — that of Hitler and Eva, his wife of one day — in a sordid underground bunker on April 30, 1945, that truly signaled the end of the Third Reich. Historians are quite certain that Hitler shot himself in the bunker; Braun committed suicide by biting a cyanide capsule. He was 56. She was 33.

Hey, Hitler, sweet ‘ums, are you sure this is an Altoid? It doesn’t taste minty at all. It tastes like Aspirin. Oh, the mint is in the middle and I have to bite it? Is it Retsin? I love Retsin. It’s Retsin?! Great. I’ll eat it right now … Oh, what are you doing with your gun?

HAHAHAHAHAH

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DOGGIES!!!!

Even the fucking Nazis loved dogs. It says a lot about dogs and it says even more about people who don’t love dogs. Seriously, people who don’t love dogs are worse than Nazis.

Hitler pets Braun’s Scottish terriers, Negus and Katuschka, in 1942. (Katuschka was nicknamed “Stasi.”) Braun didn’t like Hitler’s German shepherd, Blondi, who occasionally shared the bedroom with him.

What terrible dog names? Negus? What the hell is that? Negus! Negus! Stop pooping on the couch Katushcka! Stasi does your tummy not feel good because you diarrheaed all over Hitler’s favorite Nazi boots? Blondi isn’t the worst name for a dog, but a German Shepherd? But I’ll repeat that people who don’t love dogs are in fact worse than the Nazis. It wasn’t that they used them to just do tasks or some such. No, Hitler was sleeping with a dog. Even that lunatic understood that dogs rule. So what’s your problem?

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Braun exercising in her bathing suit at Konigssee lake, a few miles from Hitler’s mountaintop retreat.

So this is why he kept Eva around? They hated Jews, but loved the Kama Sutra. I call this yoga pose “hey world, this is my vagina!” It was a tough life for the Nazis, amiright? These are not the most idyllic backdrops ever or anything. I wonder what that guy in the canoe is thinking? Oh I know. Do you think Hitler is going to kill me because I just saw his girlfriend’s pussy a second ago? I mean I was just canooing this canoe and she is just spreading it around for everyone to see.

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Braun filming with her 16mm camera in 1942. Occasionally, she shot with color film which, years later, proved invaluable to historians as it offered an inside view of Hitler and his entourage.

What are they watching to the right? Whatever it is they want IT. Look at their faces! One seems more turned on than the next and Eva is filming it. I would much rather see a Nazi Germany version Entourage with Hitler as Vinnie Chase than ever watch a single second of that garbage TV show. Hey Hitler, can you find an SS officer position for Drama and Turtle?

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Posing with Hitler’s architect Albert Speer, who designed the Reich Chancellery, the Reichsparteitagsgelände

This is why that country should never be allowed to take over the world. What the fuck is that word!?!!?! Are you kidding me with that? That’s more complicated looking than any alien or elf language created for a bunch of virgin nerds to toil over instead of having friends.

(the massive grounds and stadium where Nazi rallies were held), and other significant structures. He was also the Reich’s hugely powerful Minister of Armaments. At the post-war Nuremberg Trials he was found guilty of war crimes, but was sentenced to 20 years rather than executed as many of his co-defendants were. After his release from prison he became a best-selling memoirist, and died in London in 1981.

So this guy kind of lived happily ever after. Damn it! If I was making an Eva Braun movie I’m casting Richard Jenkins as this guy. Also, Eva looks like she is posing with a celebrity in this picture. I get that he was in some way, but that is depressing. Lame ass Nazi celebrities. Ooooh girls, guess who I just saw? Albert Speer! *squeeeeeee*!!!! I know he’s so dreamy with all those buildings he builds for the Nazis to have those rallies. And that combover? It’s real!
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Hitler disapproved of some of Braun’s habits such as smoking, wearing makeup, skinny dipping, and nude sunbathing. Here, Braun, in a bathing suit, relaxes by Konigssee lake in 1940.

Suprise surprise, Hitler was a boring conservative controlling boyfriend. He did fuck his own niece, but no skinny dipping! I feel like these two sentences greatly suggest there are nude photos of Eva Braun. Not just somewhere in the world, but probably on the internet. It seems like to me that part before where Braun killed herself was really the only bad part of her life. Well, she did try to kill herself a few other times, but that was for attention. Seemingly the rest of her 33 years or at least the time with Hitler was her just chilling in the Bavarian hot spots and taking pictures of it.

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Yeah. Girls are girls, even the Third Reich ones. Get naked, taking pictures, being sex symbols.

If it wasn’t for all this all Jews should die as well as everyone else who disagrees with us, this chick seems pretty normal to me. But I guess you could say that about a lot of people. If you take away all the homicidal thoughts and all the murders that Charles Manson did and maybe that swastika on his forehead then he is just a failed folk singer and that’s ok.

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Hitler rang in 1940 at his mountaintop home, the Berghof. Among his guests were many Third Reich insiders.

This is pretty much “The Rat Pack” of the Nazis. They’re so dreamy! Especially, the fat guy to the left who I feel has beat men to death with a riding crop or eyebrows up at the top right. It looks like they’re about to go to a Sadie Hawkins dance or a Spring Fling or something. A lot more dudes than chicks, so I guess they’re sharing? Or maybe not. The one hand on the guy’s shoulder to the right is mysterious and very “I claim him”.

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YESSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This 1937 photo of Braun was titled “Me as Al Jolson” and depicts her in blackface as the American actor and singer in his role in The Jazz Singer. Braun was a fan of American movies, including Gone with the Wind.

Is this racist? Is it also not the greatest photo ever?! Eva Braun in blackface!!!! I love it. A picture of anyone in blackface is amazing, but Hitler’s wife? Unreal. Who would’ve guessed?

I think it is racist because all blackface is racist including/especially Al Jolson as Al Jolson in The Jazz Singer. But at the same time, she isn’t dressed as a black dude. She is dressed as Al Jolson as a black dude, so I don’t know. It really would have been a great topical reference for back then. It’s amazing nonetheless.

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Eva Braun (left) and her younger sister Margarethe “Gretl” Braun in 1943.

Sexy Nazi ladies. Actually, Gretl looks a lot rougher than Eva, but they look pretty similar. They both have this small set of features surrounded by big cheeks and a prominent jaw. Literally, World War II was in FULL STRIDE at this point. It’s hard for me not to think about that when looking at this picture. I know I should not be expecting a photo of them in fatigues with rifles holding down the front lines with mustard gas being thrown around like confetti, but seriously? It was a WORLD WAR that the man she shared a bed with started and she’s just posing with her dog and her less accomplished sister on some wall.

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Braun and Hitler’s German shepherd in 1942.

There’s Blondi. Is everyone wondering about what happened to Blondi? Well, he/she is dead. I mean that is literally the only option. I’m not sure if Blondi survived the war or not, but the war ended in 1945, so Blondi isn’t still kicking it in Venezuela or somewhere in South America with the rest of the Nazi party. I love that idea that if a historical character didn’t die when we thought they died then what happened to them? Well, they died. They just died somewhere else. They’re still dead. Did Hitler shoot himself in that bunker in ’45? Most think so. There are some who say he didn’t. What happened to him after that if he didn’t die in that bunker? Well, he died or he is 120 some odd years old. One or the other I guess. He either died like everyone else would have at a reasonable age or he would have just kept living like he had mythical genes. I remember that same rumor was ridiculously applied to John Wilkes Booth as well… even though there are written reports of Union soldiers holding Booth in their arms as he died. But what if he didn’t die in that barn like they said… well, he died after that or he is over 170 years old and running around the Ozarks. How stupid are you people!?!

Eva looks like a news reporter.

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“In Berchtesgaden the first time” reads Braun’s handwritten comment on this photo of Hitler and a bodyguard at a cabin in the mountains, 1931.

Here Hitler and his bodyguard prepare to do the Michael Jackson lean from “Smooth Criminal”. They were big fans. Annie, are you ok?! Are you ok?! Are you ok, Annie?! You’ve been hit by! You’ve been struck by a smooth criminal!

Those are the lyrics, right?

Anyway, I guess Eva took this picture. Must be some pretty interesting floorboards.

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Hitler with guests at his 54th birthday party at Hitler’s Bavarian Alps residence, April 1943. Eva Braun is on the far left; behind her is her close friend, Herta Schneider.

Some even more interesting floorboards. Annie, are you ok?! Also, it says “birthday”, but is it no surprise that this looks even more like a funeral. Those Nazis. I guess they’re staring at Hitler’s cake. Even Hitler was skeptical of cakes. I think we’re all skeptical of cakes. We really inspect cakes. We are leery of them, but soon as push comes to shove will jam that thing in our mouth. Hmmm… this could be the greatest thing I put in my mouth or I’ll be fully disappointed. That’s the problem with cakes or desserts. The up-side is that they could easily be the greatest food you put in your mouth since the last time you had a dessert that was the greatest food you put in your mouth… or it could suck. So we’re leery. Leery because we don’t want to get our hopes too high for something that literally could be divine or could be just utterly disappointing like Lupe Fiasco’s new album “Lasers”.

Eva Braun eva’ time. Every time I guess is what I was going for.

I’ll have the rest of the pictures up tomorrow…

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18 Responses to “Eva Braun Was More Than Just Tits And Ass – Part 1”

  1. Ne·gus (n g s, n-g s) n. Used formerly as a title for emperors of Ethiopia.

    OH SHIT. Do you think Eva Braun was racist?

  2. kt said

    Aww I was kinda dissapointed in Lasers too. Well the two times I have listened to it. Guess that’s why it has been delayed for so long. Food & Liquor on the other hand I can pretty much quote front to back.

    These pictures creep me out because they are so… humanizing? I prefer to see my evil historical figures as like the evil witches in Disney movies. No background story or explanation for their actions. Just horrible psychopathic people that are out to prove a very misguided point by messing with other people. Then we overcome their evil and try our bests not to think about them and what they did ever again unless it is through rose tinted glasses where we reflect on how lucky we are.

    • tiffanized said

      I am fascinated by the life stories of history’s “evil” people because they are so similar to the life stories of the world’s heroes. Until all the genocide starts, then there seems to be a clear delineation.

  3. PWG said

    I’m still thinking about the blonde children Hitler was promising his last girlfriend. How was that gonna happen, exactly? It’s like he didn’t understand genetics at all, which is odd because I hear it was a topic of particular interest to him.

    • tiffanized said

      I got stuck on the fact that he fucked her for at least 14 years before he married her in the last hours of their lives. “Sure babe. I’ll put a ring on it. We’ll be dead in like 36 hours anyway.” I guess comparatively a lack of commitment is a small thing in the face of the Holocaust.

  4. PWG said

    Eva as Al Jolson. That’s fucking rich, Eva. How about “Eva as Jesse Owens?” No? Was that a touchy subject around the ol’ mountain retreat after the 1936 Olympics?

  5. PWG said

    “This collection of rare photos comes from a cache of images confiscated by the U.S. Army in 1945”

    How is it even possible that every picture of this vile bitch isn’t sporting a black Sharpie moustache? Or whatever the 1945 equivalent of that was.

    • cledbo said

      Now I’m imagining what these pics would look like if Perez Hilton had gotten a hold of them first – there would be penises and dribble everywhere!

  6. I watched a National Geographic special a few months ago called “Nazi Scrapbooks from Hell”. It’s unnerving to see them look so normal and happy. You want them to look like monsters, but sometimes they just look like sexy bitches lounging in scenic mountain locales.

    And then you see things like birthday parties and puppies and Hitler avoiding committing to his girlfriend and you think “they’re just like us”.

    • PWG said

      I prefer to think of them as Ralph Fiennes in Schindler’s List. You can’t say the guy’s afraid to play the villain, that’s for damn sure:

      Voldemort
      Amon Goth
      Francis Dolarhyde
      Hades

      From Wikipedia: At his (Amon Goth’s) execution, Göth’s hands were tied behind his back. The executioner twice miscalculated the length of rope necessary to hang Göth, and it was only on the third attempt that the execution was successful.

      Yeaaaaaah. I bet it was a simple miscalculation. Twice.

      • tiffanized said

        Like they say, measure twice, hang once, right?

      • PWG said

        Oh yes, I’m pretty sure that’s where the saying comes from. I’m trying to imagine that whole scenario. Did they make it too long the first two times? So he fell through and landed on his legs and broke them or something? Or was it too short so he just started suffocating but didn’t break his neck? Maybe one of each? I think they were trying to send Mr. Goth a message: “Don’t be a Nazi.”

  7. tiffanized said

    I thought the birthday picture was at a funeral too. I wondered why Eva looked so happy to be viewing a corpse, but then again, she dated HITLER.

    I had no idea that Eva Braun spent 87% of her life in bathing suits. I was raised in a time with a lot more cameras and I don’t think there are as many pictures of me in a bathing suit as you have of Eva here in this one post. Was she wearing a bikini when she dropped the cyanide? I feel like the odds point to yes.

    Hitler’s Architect would be a great name for a skinhead metal band.

  8. cledbo said

    Good ol’ LIFE magazine, bringing the funny like always.

    I’ve been really worried all day while reading this (and yes, it has been all damn day because of bloody meetings) that my co-morkers are going to wonder why the hell I’m looking at pictures of Hitler. I imagine that they wouldn’t recognise Eva Braun on sight. Her being everywoman, apart from the Nazism.

    I think we like to think that evil comes packaged in ugly, or at least not in attractive young woman. Think back on your high-school years and you’ll realise yourself that Disney got it wrong and good-looking chicks are always the most evil.

  9. Ari Nurminen said

    The woman with the umbrella is not Eva Braun, it s her sister Gretl

  10. panhead58 said

    everyone is racist

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