Eva Braun Was More Than Just Tits And Ass – Part 2

March 18, 2011

Today is Friday and more importantly today will be the second installment of Eva Braun pictures.

Why is that more important than Friday? Well, I don’t have to do anything to make it Friday. Sure I play a little part in making the Earth spin and time continue and us all breathing to see it, but it’s really not all that complicated. You help one Friday exist, you’ve helped all Fridays exist. Or something. But no one will help me with these damn Eva Braun pictures. Well, LIFE magazine did get the pictures and put them on the internet for me. And some soldiers of AMERICA stole the pictures, so we could see them. And I guess Eva or that Hoffman guy actually took the pictures. But none of them are writing little quips about them… are they? Are they? Because if they are then I can give up and let you all read them and then I’ll sleep to noon next time.

I hope all of you had a good time getting drunk last night and embarrassing yourselves in public.

Or…

I hope all of you had a good time getting drunk last night and embarrassing yourselves to yourselves in private.

Or…

I hope all of you had a good time not getting drunk anywhere last night and were complete lame-ohs about the whole thing because the best time to drink is at a bar when everybody and their mother are there singing U2 songs, am I right? Ugh. I didn’t go out. Whatever – Community and Parks and Rec were on and I don’t need a holiday to drink. I’m a grown man, I can drink right now if I wanted.

And with that…

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Hitler holds Ursula “Uschi” Schneider, the daughter of Herta Schneider, a close childhood friend of Eva Braun’s, at Hitler’s home in the Bavarian Alps, 1942.

Hitler and a baby. Hitler and a baby?! HITLER AND A BABY?!!! I wouldn’t trust Hitler with a baby regardless of political affiliation. He grew up to be pretty crazy. Even people who don’t like the Jews never grow up to become dictator and then set their military on the all of Europe to conquer and creates and intricate system of prisons to genocide the Jewish people. Usually people who hate the Jews are like “damn Jews!” and then that’s about it. They kind of move on and become postal workers or something. So even by their standards, Hitler is a little out there. I wouldn’t let him touch my baby or anyone else’s because I think crazy seeped from his pores like sweaty toxin.

Also, judging by Hitler’s taste in women, this “Uschi” has about a decade before Hitler begins obsessively stalking her and trying to lock her in a tower.

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Braun in her bathing suit near Berchtesgaden, Germany, 1940.

Eva Braun “camel toe”?? Eh, not really. but that woman behind her is most certainly staring straight at the Fuhrer’s lady’s ass. It also looks like Braun is giving a rousing speech about not peeing in the lake.

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Eva Braun first met Adolf Hitler at Heinrich Hoffmann’s photo agency agency in 1929. Here, the window of Hoffmann’s Munich storefront displays portraits of the Fuhrer.

That’s an inviting storefront, right? I really don’t have anything too bad to say about this photo. I would be shocked if this place was still standing. There was this thing called “World War II” and it kind of blew up everything it touched. Especially, places that had Hitler in or around or on them. They were kind of the first things to be targeted. Like a big ole’ bullseye that little mustache was. I really hope one day we find a lost Hoffman gallery of photos called “Silly Hitler” and it is the Fuhrer playing practical jokes on people and posing like he’s gay and so forth. That would be good.

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Heinrich Hoffmann’s photo agency, Munich, Germany, 1938.

Mad Men in Munich! I bet they had some wild office parties there. Bunch of creepy voyeur photographers and young impressionable teenage studio models. This picture looks pretty staged and at the same time I bet they told them to look like it wasn’t staged. Oh yeah, you three just sit on the floor. That’s what young people do – sit on the floor. And no one has their back turned to the camera. And you two just start making out and open up your blouse a little Gretl and Gerhardt you looking a little creepier leering at Gretls bosom. Perfect. MUENSTER!

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Eva Braun and friends in the Bavarian Alps, Germany, 1935.

This is my favorite Nazi related picture ever Ever EVER!! First things first, how beautiful was Nazi Germany? Fucking gorgeous, right? Unreal amazing. Picturesque. It’s like they somehow stole all the beauty of every place they touched and then laid it out in front of themselves. Well, that is kind of what they did. But oh man it looks wonderful. This picture looks so perfect it looks like it was made on a sound stage in Hollywood. The effortlessly white snow, the stone walls, the thick trees, the cabin in the background and these three lovely young ladies up front in long skirts and these full length coats looking absolutely ecstatic to be there… and the fucking BEAR! UNBELIEVABLE! How good is that? How good is seeing a dude in a polar bear costume from 1935?! Who knew they even made mascot costumes like this in 1935? The polar bear looks so happy too. And because it is 1935 I bet he is tipsy and probably hitting relentlessly on these women. Especially the blonde he is squeezing tight. This picture is just brilliant to me. Plus it is so care free in a time when shit wasn’t that care free. It was care free to them at the time, but it was one of a few places that was. That’s what I think makes it even more care free. They really shouldn’t be because there is just Hell on Earth starting up everywhere and America is in the toilet in 1935, but on top of this mountain are three Nazi chicks and a dude in a polar bear costume.

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Eva Braun (left) and friends on vacation in Bad Godesberg, Germany, 1937.

What’s happening with that dude’s polka dot robe? It’s the German version on sunbathing in Central Park. Just hanging out on the grass taking in some sun with water nowhere in sight. And some dude clowning around in polka dot lounge wear. I bet that shit is made out of silk too. I bet this guy front and center thinks he’s got a chance at scoring these two chicks… and he probably does. And the German language does not do itself any favors ever. Bad Godesberg? Hey do you want to go hit on some chicks at Bad Godesberg? No. There are is so much German skin in this picture it’s like they are doing some performance art piece.
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Eva Braun (far right) celebrates carnival time at her parents house in Munich, Germany, 1938. Among the group are her mother Franziska Katharina (center) and her sisters Ilse and Margarethe.

What is going on here? First, carnival time? The Germans have a carnival time? I know Brazil has carnival time – it is carnivale or something similar and it is basically Brazilians naked in the streets, which sounds absolutely wonderful. It appears in this picture that the dude holding Braun is about a second or two away from entering her with his left hand. Her mother is making the international hand signal for blow job or she is being bukkaked on by an invisible man. One or the other. And the girl to the left is about to get some DP action. And that other girl is just not so quietly cumming in her pants because carnival time is just the wildest time in Germany.

For that guy’s sake, I hope Hitler never saw this picture because I bet he would have killed him.

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Eva Braun (far right) with her parents, Friedrich “Fritz” and Franziska, and her sisters Ilse (left) and Gretl, 1940.

Here is the Braun family not at carnival time when they’re all pantomiming sex in front of each other. Eva looks pretty good in this picture. I’m not sure what the hell is going on in this picture though. Look a the camera! It’s like they are posing for three different cameras at once. Only the mother seems to be in on the picture. We haven’t seen Ilse up to now. Have we ever heard what happened to Ilse? I remember Gretl and some of her life, but Ilse? Secretly, I bet Ilse and Gretl hated Eva. She ended up with Hitler. She was fucking the absolute most powerful man in their Nazi clique. Sibling rivalry? They all ended up with Nazis I would imagine and Eva ended up with the Nazi. 

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Eva Braun sitting on a table in the living room at her parent’s house in Munich, Germany, 1929. She was staying with her family after finishing her education at a trade school; later that year, she met Hitler at Hoffmann’s photo studio.

Screw school. I have Hitler! Heet-lah! Heet-lah, please don’t send me back to school! I want to sit on my parent’s table and take pictures of myself in hats holding flowers all day. Oh Heet-lah! Please do this for me. If you don’t I’ll commit suicide! If you do I’ll do that thing you like where you roll around on the ground and I kick you in the ribs until you get hard. Is that a deal my Heet-lah. My sweetest Heet-lah.

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Eva Braun and an unidentified friend at a house party in Munich. By all accounts Braun enjoyed these parties and frequently dressed up for them during carnival. She also liked to smoke but only when Hitler was not around.

Fucking carnival again. I thought everyone smoked back then. Back then doctors smoked. Back then I was pretty much a doctor. I bet right now the intelligence level I’m at right now couldn’t be too far off from a doctor from the beginning of the 20th and earlier. In the 1800’s they were still using leeches and blood letting. Without any training I bet I could easily be a doctor circa 1920. Probably not a surgeon. I bet though in a weekend or two I could be a surgeon from 1920. What were they doing that was so great back then? I’m smarter than at least 90% of doctors from the beginning of time until 1900 by just know I need to wash my hands before seeing a patient. Actually, I’m smarter than 99% of human existence by knowing that I should wash before or after doing just about anything. Human history is filled with filthy ass people. That’s about it. Anyway, she was a young girl who drank, partied, smoked, took pictures and liked to dress up – sounds like every fucking chick. And then she started boning Hitler. It is really obvious where everything went wrong for Eva Braun.

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Nine-year-old Eva Braun (second from right), with some of her classmates at the Beilngries convent school Beilngries, Germany, 1922.

I wish LIFE or whoever didn’t put that big X right below Eva’s 9 year old self because it would be a lot funnier to see if you could guess which one of these kids in 8 years starts banging Adolf Hitler. These are some hard ass looking little ladies aren’t they? From left to right they look like they’ve seen the Great Depression, 2 World Wars, and every episode of Teen Mom 2 and are completely cynical about the world. There are two smiles in this picture the girl next to Eva and Eva’s evil smile. That chick knew she was growing up and doing something completely unthinkable. It is just me or does this look like every Mormon camp photo. All those girls rolling around in the dirt in dresses in the mountains of Utah. The girl to Eva’s left looks like she might be a Cherokee Indian who was teleported to Germany. Was Eva Braun a coal miner at 9? What were they doing to see these children? Hey, kids! We’re going to rub you down with soot and dirt and then take class pictures of you, ok?

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Braun at the Beilngries convent school Beilngries, Germany, 1922.

Look at that fucking face! She fucking knew it! She knew it and wanted it. Seriously, that isn’t just some kid’s face. That is the face of the first lady of the NAZIS! And she does not looked shocked in the least. I bet she was a bear of a child.

Eva and her sister Ilse in a childhood photo, 1913. In later life, Ilse worked for — and had a relationship with — a Jewish surgeon, Dr. Martin Levy Marx, until he emigrated to the United States in 1938.

Fucking Ilse. The black sheep of the family screwing a Jew. These babies have the funniest looks on their faces like a life size dancing chocolate bar was just off screen. And the cat is absolutely not paying attention and they’re paying no attention to the cat.

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“My first carnival costume” wrote Braun underneath this 1928 photo.

CARNIVAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This chick loved Carnival. I have no clue what this German carnival is about. I assume it has to do with the Pagan Gods like everything else in the world does. But who knows? The mystery of German carnival. Is German Carnival – Ocktoberfest? Did we completely rename it Ocktoberfest and all of them called it carnival? That would make a ton of sense, but maybe it isn’t. Sure they can have more than one holiday, but Ocktoberfest – which I keep throwing a K in because I feel like that is right or not – is a month long, right? That’s a nice chunk of the year 1/12th of it.

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A portrait of Adolf Hitler in Eva Braun’s living room at the Berghof, Hitler’s residence near Berchtesgaden, Germany, 1937.

Sexy man. Who wouldn’t want to wake up every morning staring at those bedroom eyes of Hitler? Getting naked and dressed in front of those longing and passionate and comforting eyes of Hitler. He was evil. There’s no way anyone could look at that man’s record and then look at his face and think he is anything, but evil. Straight evil. Fucking all evil. Nothing else, but evil. But sexy, right? Girls love bad boys, am I right?!

And that ends it.

Eva Braun. Adolf Hitler. Dead.

Have a great weekend!

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5 Responses to “Eva Braun Was More Than Just Tits And Ass – Part 2”

  1. Actually, it’s the “c” you’re throwing into “Oktoberfest” that doesn’t belong. And the majority of the 2 1/2-ish week festival actually takes place in September, believe it or not. Just more proof those German’s are the craziest.

    I have no idea what that carnival business is, though. In seven years of German classes, that was never once mentioned. There was a lot of talk about Fanta though…

    That portrait of Hitler in the last photo is the creepiest. Is it just his head? If the Internet were around back then, it would have been placed in the middle of one of those rainbow starbursts with lolspeak around it and it would be an instant meme. There’s your Silly Hitler.

    • cledbo said

      Hahahaha Fanta!
      Hey bey-bee, let’s go to the discotheque and drink Fanta and dance to Compu-pu-pu-pu-puter Games!

      German lessons in high school rule!

  2. Ann said

    “Oh Hitler” better than “oh God”? Thank you Jordan for making me think about Hitler sex all the time.

    Also Ilse -the rebellious sister who worker under a Jew doctor, that’s must have taken some guts and skill. I find Ilse to be much more interesting subject than Eva.

    ….the only remembrance of that insufferable time when forced to learn German language are those few words that remain to litter my brain. On the very top of the list is Blumen – flowers, hande hoch – put your hands up and the most informative of all “Ich habe keine ahnung”- I have no idea/I don’t know. That’s about all the German I know.

  3. PWG said

    I’m sorry I missed Friday. I had to do my taxes, it’s an all-day thing with my level of disorganization.

    I’m not loving these pictures because it feels wrong to want to box-kick a toddler. That probably concluded our week of Hitler history lesson, which is too bad because you’d be a good history teacher. Even if you were just frantically looking up random and probably untrue “facts” on Wikipedia right before class, I think that would be a fun class. As long as they didn’t test the kids at the end of the year or anything. More like a “School of Rock” history class.

    Here’s my take: I hate Eva Braun because she probably provided 30% of the pleasure that man got in his whole life, what with the kicking him on the floor and stuff. He was an atheist vegetarian, which I take personally on behalf of all the other atheist vegetarians in the world. (If someone ever tells you they’re a vegetarian, you’re not actually legally obligated to say, “You know, Hitler was a vegetarian,” by the way.) He didn’t drink or smoke. He got no comfort from God, no oblivion from alcohol, no nicotine from cigarettes and he wasn’t porking down delicious steak and bacon regularly.

    So the most pleasure he ever got out of life, besides the fun fun “carnival” of genocide, was probably sex.

    Oh, what about Blondi the German Shepherd, the one he let sleep in the bedroom with him & Eva because he just looooooved dogs?

    “Before Hitler committed suicide on April 30, 1945, he ordered physician Werner Haase to test pills to help with his suicide on Blondi, fearing that these pills were fake. He became completely inconsolable after the fact and took his own life very shortly after. According to a report commissioned by Joseph Stalin and based on eye witness accounts, Hitler’s dog-handler, Feldwebel Fritz Tornow, took Blondi’s pups from the arms of the Goebbels children, who had been playing with them, and shot them in the garden of the bunker. He then killed Eva Braun’s two dogs and his own dachshund by lethal injection. Tornow was later captured by the Allies. Hitler’s nurse, Erna Flegel, said in 2005 that Blondi’s death had affected the people in the bunker more than Eva Braun’s suicide had.”

    Fuck Hitler. Also, my Google Search now thinks I’m a goddamned Nazi.

  4. Nikki said

    First, Blondi’s death affected me more than Eva Braun’s suicide, and I just found out there was a Blondi catching up on my KSWI posts. (a week without KSWI thanks to power cables being stolen with the result of no electricity. WOE IS ME!)

    Second, little girl Eva Braun looks just like one of those creepy kids from Village of the Damned. Evil Bitch.

    Third, I bet that floating head portrait of Hitler had eyes which followed you all over like the Mona Lisa. Except she had something to smile about… Maybe those creepy eyes following her all over made Eva Braun smile. Whatever rocked her socks…

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