Leonardo DiCaprio Must Really Hate “Akira”

March 22, 2011

Have you ever read a book?

Let’s say you have. You enjoy said book. You enjoy it a lot. Enough to recommend it to others to read and you quote it and you remember it fondly when speaking about things you enjoy in life.

Imagine some time goes by. It could be months or even years. News spreads that a movie adaptation will be made of this book that you enjoyed so much.

Your feelings are mixed. You are uncertain about whether or not this book should even be made into a movie. It is a complicated book. It also might be too much for just a single movie. Can they really do all of it justice in a single movie. But maybe they can. Maybe they can hire a competent director who understands how direct this subject matter. Maybe they’ll hire actors that will embody these fictional characters you have read about. Maybe just maybe when you read that the producers are big fans of the book and so is the director and maybe the actors haven’t read the book, but they’re so eager to be in the movie and in that moment you start to think it is possible this could all work because if they like the book that much then wouldn’t they also want a great movie adaptation be made?

Now, here comes the twist…

THEY FUCKING HATE THE BOOK!!!!!

THEY HIRE A BAD DIRECTOR AND EVERY ACTOR THEY INTERVIEW MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!!!!!

NOW ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS FORGE A PACT WITH ACTUAL FANS OF THE BOOK AND STORM THE HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STUDIO GATES AND START A MARXIST BLOODY REVOLUTION SOLELY TO STOP THEM FROM MAKING THIS MOVIE AND THEN BURY ALL THE REMAINING COPIES IN AN UNDERGROUND BUNKER SO NO OTHER MOVIE STUDIO EXEC CAN GET TO THEM AND GET THE BRIGHT IDEA OF RUINING THIS FUCKING BOOK!!!!

So, I’m 100% positive you all have experienced this.

I’m positive it has happened with original source material that isn’t just a book.

It could be a comic book, it could be a video game, it could be an old movie, an old TV show, a cartoon show, an amusement park ride, a line of plastic action figures, or maybe some smiley actor somewhere sees a series of chalk drawings on a street and some bumbling writer who wants to be liked by that famous smiley actor writes a screenplay based on those chalk drawings and some studio executive who has zero intelligent ideas in his head, but is allowed to keep his job because Rob Schneider movies make more money than they cost, decides to produce that screenplay written by that writer impressing the idiot actor based a set of chalk drawings some child made on the sidewalk and now that child’s imagination has been perverted for all mankind to see.

Maybe that happens all the time.

And it is happening again.

So this guy…

… Leonardo DiCaprio has a production company called Appian Way. It is probably called that because Mr. Leo wants to assure us so very much he is more than just his pwetty little face, but he also has a pwetty little bwain behind that face. Have you ever seen that guy’s twitter? We get it! The world is fucked up and there are a million charities out there for us to donate to to I guess fix the problems. What a buzzkill?

Appian Way and Leo own the writes to this…

Akira. This is the manga aka comic book, which is what the story was originally in. But like almost all mangas that receive any popularity, it was turned into this…

A movie. An anime aka cartoon movie to be exact. As mentioned, pretty much all manga that receives any popularity is turned into an animated TV show or movie.

The manga started in 1982 and ran regularly until 1990.

The anime movie came out in 1988.

Of the two, the movie is much more popular.

I love the movie.

Love it.

LOVE IT.

LOVE IT!

Do you know how people talk about the love of their life or how magical it was to witness their child being born or really if you talk to any dog owner about their dogs or if you ask someone who has Daughtry, Creed, Taylor Swift and Trace Adkins CDs in their car and you ask them about Jesus?

That’s the type of love I feel for this movie.

Why? Because it is amazing.

That’s pretty simple because it kind of started the influx of Japanese anime to America that’s how much people liked it. It’s not just me. It’s like everyone.

The story is set in a futuristic Japan a few decades post Word War III. The city is Neo Tokyo. Their city is filled with political problems, criminal problems and religious problems as one would expect – all while taking place in this shiny big building city. The main characters are high school kids who are also a local motorcycle gang. Hmmmm… well, I don’t want to really ruin anything too much, but it is a science fiction fantasy and it turns out the government has been futzing around with kids who have telepathic and telekinetic powers and let’s just say that Akira was the strongest of them and things didn’t end to well for Akira.

The movie centers on Kaneda (the leader of this motorcycle gang of misfit high schoolers) and Tetsuo (his right hand man and best friend). Kaneda is the good guy. Tetsuo discovers he has mental powers and becomes a destructive God like menace … so the villain.

Ok, so back to the point at hand… they’re making this into a live action movie because no one has been clamoring for it for the past 23 years. This guy…

… is making it into a live action movie.

It has been rumored for years that someone was going to make it into a live action movie

It has been rumored for years that Leonardo DiCaprio et al had the rights to do so.

It has been hoped by me at least that it would never actually come to pass, but sadly God has turned a deaf ear to my prayers (Steelers not winning the Superbowl, Jon Jones beating the shit out of Shogun on Saturday) and is giving these people a green light to take $200 million or so (it literally will cost a shit ton of money – people blow up tanks in this movie with their minds and also raise a colossal structure from the ground with their mind… let’s just say it isn’t a bunch of slap fights and spooning) to make what will be a phenomenal atrocity.

First piece of bad news:

They are making it.

I really can’t think of a way this will be a good movie with actors and CGI and such. Some things just make more sense as a cartoon. Some things would lose their impact with some dickhead pretending to be the cartoon character.

Second piece of bad news:

A few weeks ago, Appian Way chose the director for this abomination – Albert Hughes.

Did they give you a solid – who? Because for most it should.

Albert directed Menace II Society, Dead Presidents, a documentary about pimps called American Pimp… let’s stop right there. Is anyone else starting to get why I’m pretty positive this guy can’t handle making a movie that is on the same scale as The Matrix and I’m talking about all 3 Matrix movies in one movie? Then he directed From Hell, which was an adaptation of a comic book and it sucked. It was one of those Johnny Depp movies that you didn’t see and shouldn’t see. Lastly, Albert took off from the movie biz of directing for 9 years, but then came back to direct The Book of Eli. Well thanks for that.

So did any of you actually see The Book of Eli and think to yourself – you know this guy needs to be given a lot more money to direct more substandard movies? I imagine not. Nevertheless, here he is.

Not happy with Albert. It is not necessarily personal about Albert, but unless they are changing the plot of Akira to be set in South Central LA and it will focus on a motorcycle gang of black youths who decide to supplement their income by becoming pimps then I don’t understand why he is directing this movie.

Third piece of bad news:

Yesterday, it was announced who the “front runners” for the main character roles of Kaneda and Tetsuo are… and here we go…

To play the role of Kaneda – a charismatic high school motorcycle gang leader who is takes it upon himself to stop his best friend at all costs because that best friend is now Superman with a bloodlust:

Garrett Hedlund, Michael Fassbender, Chris Pine, Justin Timberlake and Joaquin Phoenix

holding back my own vomit, so I can also post the other choices for Tetsuo…

To play the role of Tetsuo – an insecure lieutenant in the high school motorcycle gang who is suddenly thrust into a world of super powers that drive him insane with hallucinations and freak abilities that he uses to try and bring about at first a slaughter and second possibly the end of the world as he loses grip of his own mind thinking he is becoming a God:

Robert Pattinson, Andrew Garfield and James McAvoy

I’m so thoroughly depressed.

So utterly thoroughly depressed.

Why?!

Let’s get this out of the way, IT’S IN FUCKING JAPAN!!!!!

None of these cracker ass honkies seem to be even remotely Japanese.

Let’s get that out of the way, that Hollywood still believes in white washing movies. Let’s get it out of the way and say that Leonardo DiCaprio as worldly as he is is simply taking a Japanese product and making it terrible and throwing a shit ton of white actors in it. Let’s just say that. That is the first knock on it as well as many other movies, but I had to get that out of the way. Because it is just so blatant. Like when they were making Dragon Ball Z into a movie (let’s pretend they didn’t actually make that movie though) I was ok with them making the main character white because he’s not Japanese – he’s an alien. He’s an alien who lives in Japan. An alien from another planet and he can be white because who knows what an alien looks like. They could just be white people. Who knows? But these people are not aliens. They’re Japanese people who live in Japan. Anyway…

FUCKING ROB PATTINSON?!!!

Are you kidding me?

These fucking names are literally off of some agencies list. It is just a list of names of the white dudes who are making movies right now that movie studios are pushing. That’s it. Not the most talented guys out there, just guys who are out there. Let’s pretend Joaquin’s name isn’t up there and this is just a list of guys who just came out in a movie or are going to be in a movie in the next month. That’s it! That is fucking it! It is despicable.

Besides that…

Actually, look at the names and think of anything really in common with these guys outside of they are good looking white guys who are in movies this minute?

If you were making a movie right now and thought Garret Hedlund would be PERFECT for the lead role, but he has scheduling conflicts… would the next person on your list be Michael Fassbender? Or Justin Timberlake? Or Joaquin Phoenix? I guess Chris Pine and Hedlund have a similar “we look like we were the good looking guy from your high school” appeal, but not even. Hedlund is supposedly a male lead, but the best thing he ever did in a movie was die in Four Brothers. He is supposed to be the emotional lead because he can cry. He’s got this soft side about him. He’s been hurt. Meanwhile, Pine is pretty typical I’m a guy’s guy boyishly good looking guy, which no guy has ever actually been friend’s with.

Michael Fassbender? Timberlake?! JOAQUIN PHOENIX?!!!! What the fuck?!

Let’s look at some ages here…

Hedlund – 27, Pine – 31, Fassbender – 34 (going on 40 – he is an older looking dude), J-Tim – 30, and lastly, Joaquin Phoenix – 37! THIRTY SEVEN and he’s going to be in high school?! Are you fucking shitting me?!

Oh but they’re not going to be in high school… they’re going to rewrite that. Oh really? Shocking! They’re already changing the script already already already already!!!! It kind of loses some impact in the story when the Japanese military is targeting a fucking kid to destroy with missiles and lasers and nuclear weapons when you change it to a 30 year old dude!!!!! KIND OF LOSES SOME OF THE INNOCENCE OF THE CHARACTER WHEN THE GUY LEGITIMATELY COULD HAVE A CHILD WHO SHOULD PLAY THE PART INSTEAD OF THEMSELVES!!!!

Unless that is… that the 30 year old Kaneda is not going to be in high school, but Tetsuo is still going to be in high school… so let’s check out those guys…

Rob Pattinson (since it is working swimmingly that he is a high schooler in Twilight) – 25, Andrew Garfield (since “everyone” is completely on board with this Spiderman re-up) – 28, James McAvoy – 32.

FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL?!!!!

So they’ve changed it from high school to adults. That’s great. Kind of changes a huge part of the story. It becomes less interesting that an older group of males has a motorcycle gang fighting to the death on the streets instead of a group of 16 year olds. Kind of changes that a bit. Kind of changes it a bit that all the talk of them being orphans. If you’re a 30 year old and you’re still talking about being an orphan then you need to grow the fuck up. But a 16 year old kid who remembers vividly because it was a couple years earlier he was in these weird foster homes and bonded with other kids to survive from bullying there and then they decide to make a motorcycle gang when they get old enough to have motorcycles, which is only a couple years later… yeah that makes a world of difference then a bunch of dude who should have gotten their shit together and got a job or started a family traipsing around on bikes fighting other gangs.

Getting back to Tetsuo for a second… so Rob Pattinson can’t act. I’m sure you have all seen that. He plays this mealy mouthed brooder in the Twilight movies… and Remember Me and… in Water for Elephants. He does a lot of “looking”, but not a lot of “talking” because he CAN’T ACT!

Meanwhile, Andrew Garfield strikes fear in the heart of … no one. Seriously, who is afraid of Andrew Garfield? Andrew Garfield could have a gun and I wouldn’t care. What the fuck is Andrew Garfield going to do? Is he going to scare me with his fluffy hair? FUCK YOU! You know why Andrew Garfield, Jesse Eisenberg and Justin Timberlake were great as douchey, non-athletic, passive aggressive, nerds in The Social Network? 1. because David Fincher is a great director. 2. BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL THOSE THINGS. They look like those guys. They look like guys who would have their lawyers handle their battles for them. That’s the fucking point. Now, I’m supposed to be afraid of Andrew Garfield? Tetsuo becomes an Angel of Death in Akira and Andrew Garfield is going to play him? Get the fuck out of here.

And, James McAvoy? I guess they’ve given him one role with psychic powers – why not another? Hey, what does James McAvoy look like to you? A boy-man from the UK who really wants the hot girl, but ends up with the artsy chick who actually is really hot as well? No! He looks like a dude who can fuck shit up with his MIND!!!!!! Fuck… you.

And back to Kaneda for a moment…

Besides wild age discrepancies…

Garret Hedlund sucks. Sucks is a strong word, but its pretty close. He is not our action hero. I saw Tron and he sucked in Tron. He sucks. I’m hoping he pulls it off in On The Road, but really how hopeful can I be. I’ve seen his damn movies and he is the same dude in every movie – a guy who looks like he played football, but he cries a lot. That worked in Friday Night Lights because that was literally his role, but that role hasn’t changed and the movies have and it hasn’t worked.

Chris Pine is … I don’t know. I don’t care either. Out of all of them he makes the most sense as Kaneda. But I don’t like this bullshit. He doesn’t look like he’s from Japan or in high school nor does he look like he runs a motorcycle gang.

Fassbender is way too fucking old for this movie. Also, I haven’t seen a movie where I think Fassbender should be the lead. He was great in Inglorious Basterds for that side role, but that’s it. He is not my hero riding a motorcycle and shooting a laser rifle and saving the world because fucking look at him!

Timberlake … did you read that last sentence or any of the sentences I’ve written? Timberlake in a motorcycle gang? Timberlake shooting laser rifles? Timberlake is a leader of any group of people even including the Mickey Mouse Club? That’s fucking right! Justin Timberlake couldn’t even lead the Mickey Mouse Club how the hell is he supposed to lead a motorcycle gang that saves the world in a post-war future society … in JAPAN!

Joaquin Phoenix… this honestly must be a joke. Is he playing their dad? Is he Tetsuo’s dad? Is he the local colorful character who they get advice from at the pub?

What the fuck?!

Could you imagine any of them actually interacting as a motorcycle gang?!

Timberlake giving orders to Rob Pattinson… FUCKING KILL ME NOW!

Social Network 2 with Tims and Garfield.

James McAvoy fighting Joaquin Phoenix with their minds!

Ugh…

Just…

Fucking…

Don’t.

Just take the money you would spend on this garbage movie and give it to one of those charities you keep trying to siphon money out of me for and make everyone much happier.
Ok.
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18 Responses to “Leonardo DiCaprio Must Really Hate “Akira””

  1. kt said

    I think it’s pretty obvious that if they are going the direction you claim with the actors that they aren’t making Akira the live action movie. Rather, they are making “a live action movie based on plot points found in the Japanese manga Akira”.

    Not that I really watch his movies, but I love Garrett Hedlund. Seriously, I was in such lust when I saw Four Brothers way back when I was like 18 years old. Le sigh.

  2. Puaena said

    Setting is being moved from Neo-Tokyo to “New” Manhattan. They’ll prob change all the names except Akira because Rango was already taken.

    Although I now have fears that Akira will go to Justin Bieber. I mean, hey, he’s popular with the girls right now! Maybe they’ll change it to “Justin” because that name conjures a certain amount of fear.

    I can’t even. And I actually like some of those actors. But yeah, I’m not happy.

  3. Well… if you could believe in John Wayne as Genghis Khan or Chuck Conners as Geronimo, could you believe in Robert Pattinson as a Japanese? Oh, wait. Everyone laughed at Wayne and Connors and their movies bombed! So they did also with “White Chicks”, starring the Wayan Brothers.

    Could it be that Hollywood meets Einstein’s definition of insanity? Or is it just that DeCaprio… is? That he’s an arrogant jerk is already common knowledge, even among his semi-insane peers!

    • Before I get lynched, this is a joke. I saw some twats about this last night and laughed hysterically, but that’s only because I’d never heard of this Akira business before. Sorry Hollywood’s gone and shit all over your heart yet again…

      Fun fact: I tried to go see From Hell when it was in the theaters with a friend. She and I bought tickets and everything, but we read the time wrong and thought we had an hour to kill. So we went to Kohl’s and almost got kicked out because my friend was being an idiot. Did you know that Kohl’s has no qualms about announcing via the intercom “please remove the underwear from your head, young lady”? Because they do not.

  4. Wow. I think you finally found the one topic that I absolutely couldn’t care less about. Hollywood ruins good books etc everyday. I’ve felt your Pain before but… Yeah. Sry bout your bad luck.

  5. kt said

    I think they are really gonna fuck up the Hunger Games. I kinda don’t even wanna see it because I loved those books so much. Possibly more than Twilight but not in the weird way that has me reading fanfic and themed blogs and befriending internet peoples because of it… I think Twilight might have just come around at at a weird point in my life or something… some things are so confusing when you look back on them.

    And with that I’m gonna go back to reading the fic I started this morning.

  6. PWG said

    Yeah, I feel your pain. I dreaded the Lord of the Rings first movie because honestly, how are you going to film that shit? But I got Peter Jackson, not Albert Hughes, so I win. He threw in some bullshit love story stuff, and I personally thought the CGI Gollum blew monkeys, but overall it was pretty great.

    I’m happy with what they’ve done with the Harry Potter movies even though they’ve changed a ton of the story to make it all fit in a couple of hours per book.

    I think the most hilarious example of book-to-movie shenanigans was Exit to Eden. Take a pretty shitty book that was mostly an excuse to string S&M scenes together in some kind of weird bondage Thomas Crowne Affair thing, cast ROSIE O’DONNELL AND DAN AYKROYD in it, realize the futility of what you’re doing and change it to a police comedy. Talk about someone who hated the book. I can’t even imagine someone reading that and thinking, “This would make a great movie. You know what would make it better though, is if we changed it to a comedy, added random cop characters and made Aykroyd and O’Donnell dress up in fetish gear. Greenlight!!”

  7. PWG said

    Shouldn’t this post have included actors who would’ve been good in the movie? So I don’t have to think about it myself all day on no-post Wednesday?

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I’m not sure who would be good in the movie. If you made it like the actual anime/manga then it would need to be high school age males who look tough enough to ride around on motorcycles beating up people with pipes and at the same time good enough actors to act like they hallucinating, crazy paranoid, God like power, blood lust, and having a nervous breakdown… so if they could get Daniel Day Lewis when he was in high school to play Tetsuo and if they could get Harrison Ford from high school to play Kaneda that would be nice. That’s if we are still picking white actors.

      I read more about the Akira script and it sounds worse and worse. Apparently in the future Japan becomes so powerful and America becomes so unpowerful that America sells Manhattan to Japan… makes sense. This how they are going to have white main characters, but a whole lot of Japanese just wandering around in the background. Also, they’re changing Tetsuo’s name to Travis and Kaneda’s name is still Kaneda…

      For a fact: No man named Kaneda is friends with a man named Travis. That is more sci-fi than the rest of the movie.

      Also, I think they are changing the whole storyline and maybe not even calling the movie Akira, so basically LEO HATES AKIRA!

      • PWG said

        Okay, I’ll give you Jun Matsumoto for Kaneda and Oguri Shun for, uh, Travis. They’re both too old but don’t look it. Or Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, either way.

        Have you read the Mistborn books? Those would make an excellent animated movie, and a horrible live-action one. You could fit it all in one movie if you left out the 500 pages’-worth of rhetorical questions. I tried to search the books to see how many question marks were actually in them, but my Kindle wouldn’t cooperate. I estimate 10 billion. Sorry, nerd fantasy ramble.

      • So if they’re changing the storyline, characters, location, AND the name… isn’t it basically not the same thing? And couldn’t you just say that it’s a film inspired by the manga Akira, not that it’s a remake or a realization of it? And, in turn, IGNORE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT!? I mean, yeah, it’s going to be terrible. But if you go with that train of thought, this shouldn’t bother you any more than Skyline being terrible… right? RIGHT!?

        I don’t know. I’m grasping at straws. But when it gets to the point where the similarities between the film and book are literally nonexistent, then to me… it’s a different beast. And voila, I don’t give a shit about them “ruining” something. Magic!

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Yeah, but they’re still going to write “inspired by manga/anime Akira” or whatever, which is a gross misrepresentation of the truth. It’s not “inspired” – it’s a bastardization of it. That’s more appropriate. *movie guy voice* From Appian Way Productions comes a perverse bastardization of the acclaimed Japanese manga “Akira”.

  8. PWG said

    Quentin Tarantino wanted DiCaprio to play Hans Landa in Inglourious Basterds. I can’t even imagine it.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I’m glad he didn’t.

      I would watch a movie with Leo as a Nazi. Maybe I’ll get to see it when Appian Way makes a movie that was “inspired” by Schindler’s List, but this time it takes place on the Supermoon and instead of the Holocaust there are vampires and instead of it being black and white it is in pink and orange and instead of sense there will be insanity.

  9. cledbo said

    I just discovered a worse possibility: Zac Efron as Kaneda
    Kill me now.

    Whenever someone brings up Akira I’m reminded of my favourite Four Word Film Review: Tetsuo Offensive Flattens Neo-Tokyo. Hi-larious. Followed closely by: Kaneda repeatedly screams “Tetsuo!”

    Hollywood needs to be rounded up and put in a crater in Neo-Tokyo for even *considering* that a whitey-Akira is a feasible idea.

    • PWG said

      If we never get another new post again, I’m holding you responsible for killing Jordan. You ever hear the old vaudeville joke about the guy who calls home and gets bad news?

      “A man heads out on vacation and leaves his brother to look after his cat and their elderly mother. The man calls home to check up and asks, “How’s my cat?” His brother answers, “It’s dead.” The man is besides himself in grief and anger. He says, “Don’t you have any feelings? Did you have to just blurt it out? You could have said, ‘You’re cat’s on the roof and it won’t come down.’ Then when I called back tomorrow, you could have told me, ‘You’re cat is still on the roof, we’ve tried the fire department and everything but it still won’t come down.’ Then the next day, you could have told me that it died. His brother apologizes. The man asks, “So how’s mom?” His brother says, “Mom’s on the roof and she won’t come down.”

      Jordan, I have some bad news, man. Akira’s up on the roof. With Zac Efron.

  10. Michael LaPlace said

    If they carry out this film with white actors playing the Japanese roles, then the director will be sentenced to death.

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