KSWI Special Guest Post Thursday: Col. Sizzle and the 3rd Division C-Sizzle Panzar Tanks of Funny and Truth and Grades

March 31, 2011

Editor’s note: YES! SPECIAL GUEST POST!!!! YES!!! My buddy Colin decided to write a season report card on the cast characters of The Jersey Shore as last week was the last episode until we see them next in Italy. It turned into 1500+ words as the spirit hit him and now it is a guest post for KSWI. It is that easy folks! Write about 1500 words, make it funny or interesting and give it to me and it goes on here and then I can have fun reading as well. I fully agree with his grades on each character. After 3 seasons of watching, Jersey Shore I’m really starting to find J-Woww attractive and it is worrying the shit out of me. Does anyone remember how she looked like a truck stop stripper in Reno in the first episode and now she looks like Julia Roberts post-fucking Richard Gere… with huge fake boobs. So, anyway. Thank you Colin.

You Can’t Spell Fist Pump without an F

With the series finale of Jersey Shore airing last week, I thought the prudent response would be to grade the cast on their performances from this season. Of course, the only type of “test” this cast is familiar with is one that comes back either positive or negative and involves a swab of some sort, so I wasn’t holding out too much hope when grading their body of work. Like a normal class, the final episode will be weighted slightly heavier than the rest of the season’s course since the finale is supposed to be the climactic event of the season (bad news for these guys). Unlike a normal class, I’m grading a bunch of narcissistic Neanderthals on hooking up, fighting and overall deviant behavior for entertainment purposes. In no particular order:

Deena: B-

The “blast in a glass” brought back everything that made us fall in love with the Jersey Shore cast from the series’ first season. She liked to get rip-roaring drunk, was a caricature of a person who frequents the Jersey shore, would go out as much as possible with little regard for her own safety and well-being and, the one thing the rest of the cast had lost after the first season, seemed totally self-unaware (obviously not a word, but what did you expect from someone grading the cast of Jersey Shore). And on top of all those things, what made me instantly like her more than most of the other cast, SHE WAS ACTUALLY FROM NEW JERSEY. Actually, come to think of it, maybe that’s a negative, oh well. Between starting to drink on the car ride down the shore (come on, who hasn’t done that), calling out Sammi on day 1 and introducing me to the dance move named “jersey turnpike” (maybe I was being naïve), she was poised for an easy “A” and the title of best mid-series casting addition this side of Rob Lowe. Like most athletes that get off to a torrid, unsustainable start and eventually cool off, Deena seemed to slow down dramatically during the dog days of summer. In the last few episodes Deena vacillated between sloppy drunk and whiny short girl, without a real redeeming interaction with any of the other cast-members or “locals.” If it wasn’t for Vinny’s surprising heel turn in the last few episodes (we’ll get to that later), her season finale Dikembe Mutombo-esque cock-block would have lowered her grade into the low “C” range for sure. But she still gets credit for being able to hang with MVP and live to tell about it and she was also involved in two of the more memorable moments of the season (the accidental stripper and her rumored affinity towards *ahem* salad), so she stays in the low “B” range. I’m willing to bet this is one of the highest grades she’s ever received.

J-woww: C

After the first episode and a half had past and she had already gotten into another physical altercation with Sammi I don’t think anyone would have predicted that this season for the “woww” would have turned into a love story. But one deuschy boyfriend/emergency trip to Long Island later, and all of a sudden she was on the market and ready to take Seaside by storm. What’s that you say? She already had another guy lined up at the door waiting for the go? Well, that doesn’t seem like the Jenny I know. Wait, yes it does. The girl who famously proclaimed in season one before getting ready to go to the club that “the tits are coming out” was already fond of a certain Mr. Roger, who apparently is the unofficial mayor of Seaside Heights the way he glad-hands every single person in restaurants or on the boardwalk. If these two end up getting married it’s going to be like the royal wedding of Seaside (I just hope Gov. Christie gives us all the day off, as well). So unfortunately for us we never really saw single J-woww on the prowl, but we were privy to Roger’s going away gift. Where the hell was Roger going, Afghanistan? Was he going on a diplomatic trip to the far east as the US representative of Seaside? Wherever he was going I’m sure he sets up many more trips like that if his going away present is that get-up every time. Other than that, it was a relatively blah season for J-woww. She indirectly led to Ronnie getting clocked in the jaw by Sam and had to rescue Snooki from the ocean and herself, but chances are those two events were going to happen regardless if she was there or not, so a pretty average season from her. I just hope those two crazy kids make it though, cause if Roger and J-woww can’t make it, what chance do the rest of us have.

Snooki: C+

Drama with Vinny aside, she was at least a part of most of the memorable aspects of this season, for good or for bad. She introduced us to Deena, got arrested while searching for the beach, snuck beers from the fridge at the Shore Store and tried to FUNNEL them in the bathroom (why they had beers in the fridge to begin with is another story) had sex (or at least seemed to have sex) with the better part of a small village, and generally looked absolutely ridiculous doing so. But here is my problem with this year’s incarnation of Snooki, she seems aware of her ridiculousness. In the episode where the gang decides to go to the boardwalk and go on rides, she puts on some horrendous looking shirt that’s at least two sizes too small in the chest alone and completes the ensemble with mismatched animal print knee high socks. Train wreck, right? But just before she leaves she glances in the mirror and acknowledges how ridiculous she looks. Wait, what? She’s not supposed to know that. Only we, the viewers, should know she dresses like the little kid in Big Daddy. If she’s in on the joke, it’s not funny anymore. She’s not supposed to be self-aware, she’s supposed to think she is the Jersey shore version of Marilyn Monroe. Maybe this is what Sarah Connors was talking about when she warned us about “them” becoming self-aware. It’s easy to confuse Ronnie with an anamotronic cyborg. Irregardless, without Snooki’s plots the show drags and there is more camera time the Ron/Sam train-wreck, so I can’t be too mad at Snooks. I just hope she finds love soon, for the sake of CDC.

Vinny: D+

Remember in the beginning of Season 1 when Vinny says that this is just something he’s going to do before going to college? Wonder how those classes are going? I bet he’s getting an A in marketing because his penis has more brand awareness and market saturation than Nike and Apple put together. For this class, however, Vinny gets a D because the that’s the first letter of dick, the word most associated with dear Vincenzo this season. After being mostly absent in season one and finally starting to gain some confidence and swagger in Miami, Vinny was poised for a break-out season. Everything started out fine as he palled around with Pauly and was bedding numerous young natives of the area, but towards the end of the season his demeanor changed and he became, for lack of a better phrase, a big dick. He threw a hissy fit twice, once when The Situation ruined his “prank” on Snooki and again when Deena cock-blocked him during the last episode. He also had an off again/off again relationship with Snooki which only piqued his interest around 4:30 am when there were no other options. Between that and the constant mention of his member and it’s size, the word dick perfectly represents our newly tanned and pierced Vinny this season. It’s too bad, too, since he started with so much potential as a pupil under Pauly D. It looks as if our greasy Icarus flew too close to the sun on his wings of bronzer.

The Situation: C+

Sitcho was easily on his way to an “Incomplete” this semester, but his late season interjection into the Ron/Sam clusterfuck they call a relationship brought his grade up. He seemed like the least interested party at the shore house this summer, and his absence from any major story-lines correspond with his lack if interest. He had his redeeming moments, the taxi ride to NYC for Snooki and Deena, his solo family dinner, and of course dropping the “A” bomb on the Ron/Sam ordeal was my highlight of the summer, but he just seemed like he had better things to do this year (which obviously wasn’t prepping for his short lived stint as a comic).

Rammie: F—

First of all, if domestic violence can’t separate these two, how the hell am I supposed to, so their grade is going to be combined. Second, I cannot give these two degenerates a low enough grade. Good God, would these two just kill each other already so I don’t need to see them on my television screen anymore. There are not two people in the world I care about less than this Neanderthal and his atrophied girlfriend. Everything about their relationship and their existence as humans annoys the shit out of me. I hate how they refer to each other as “bro,” I hate that they can’t make a decision to save their lives, I hate how they somehow think that they are destined to end up together, like they’re star-crossed lovers. I was so happy when episode two seemed like the end of their relationship…but then they somehow forgot they are horrible to each other and got back together. And then that happened EIGHT MORE FUCKING TIMES IN THE SEASON! And they’re both at fault here. Each had a multitude of opportunities to end it once and for all, but they were both too stupid to realize that they actually can’t stand each other. You would think that once Ronnie nearly threw Sammie and her bed out the window, splattering her and her belongs (especially her glasses…”this is not ok” – really, you think Sam?) all along the boardwalk, she would realize that maybe this isn’t the right relationship for her. But no, after all of maybe one afternoon at home she decides to come back and within days is back with someone who probably caused upwards of $2,500 of damage to her belongings within that same week. Ronnie isn’t innocent in the least, either. You can’t go from attempted homicide via bed toss to a crying puddle of Ron-Ron juice in one night. Once you decide it’s over and make the determination that “I’m going to go completely insane and ruin all of this girls’ personal effects and scream at her about all the chicks I’m going to bang while pointing to the bed and motioning it with my hips like I’m Carlton Fisk,” you’ve lost the ability to play the sympathetic, “I’m so sad without her” card. The only redeeming quality of that relationship, other than the violent nature in which it has progressed, were the little snippets of contempt for each other that came out once and a while. Mostly, watching Ron’s face while Sam talked was pleasurable since he seemed about as interested in what she was saying as he seems in Math. And my all-time favorite moment of their season three came in the first episode. Drunk Deena just called Sam every name in the book with Ron sitting right there and not moving a muscle, but the minute she says something about Ron being Sam’s boyfriend, he springs up like Muscle Milk just went on clearance. How dare Deena insult him like that, in HIS house (that he “rents” with seven other people as part of a television show). Next year, I’m fine with ditching Rammie and just bringing back Dean, the Ronnie clone. He was way more entertaining this year anyway.

Pauly D: A

He’s officially now the Magic Johnson of the Jersey Shore because he makes everyone around him better (and not because of the STDs). How can you not be happy when you see his face and hear one of his many declarations. Season 1 and part of Miami he was dishing out assists to The Situation, and when Sitcho fell apart, he just picks up Vinny and turns him into an all-star caliber player. When Pauly needs to score to keep the show moving, he does just that. And his grenade defense and ability to shut down potential stalkers is underrated. Pauly is responsible for everyone who yells that it’s “T-shirt time” or that the “cabs are here.” He gives honest assessments of the house situations and Situations, and is good for a one-liner every episode. Possibly the greatest thing about Pauly, though, is that he’s stayed true to his roots. While the other cast members rolled up this year in Benz’s, BMW’s and Land Rovers, Pauly is still rocking the old school Cadillac DeVille through and through (what did you expect, especially since the word Cadillac is literally TATTOOED down his torso). Keep it real Pauly, and thank you for bringing up the overall GPA of the cast and making this season somewhat watchable.


3 Responses to “KSWI Special Guest Post Thursday: Col. Sizzle and the 3rd Division C-Sizzle Panzar Tanks of Funny and Truth and Grades”

  1. And you, sir, get an A++. This was THE GREATEST. Excellent attention to detail, namely the observation that Pauly D kept the Cadillac. I made a real big deal out of that when I saw Sitch driving his Range Rover (while talking to himself and stroking his own ego, of course).

    At first I was going to argue that maybe Sitch deserves a lower grade for being so MIA, but he had some great moments. Napping in the dressing room at the Shore Store? Having a friend named “Arvin”? Chatting up Connie, Ronnie’s drunk-dialing mom? He’s earned that C+.

  2. kristenstewartwantsit said

    The Jersey Shore reunion is on tonight as well.

  3. PWG said

    I’ve never seen The Jersey Shore. I’ll go on the assumption that Colin knows what he’s talking about, though. I watched Manimal when it was on TV, I’m not judging anyone’s taste in television.

    I just looked up Manimal facts, it only ran for 8 episodes in 1983. I don’t see how a show where some dude turns into a black panther every week (as opposed to a Black Panther) doesn’t succeed. It had William Conrad doing voiceover! If I could shape-shift into any animal I wanted, or into one of the 5 animals NBC could afford to keep on hand every week, I doubt I’d fight crime.

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