Two people got married today – to each other. It was a big deal.

I have all these errands to do, which is like three, but I’m planning on it taking my whole day to do them.

This picture made me laugh uncontrollably…

And this picture is the meeting of all the nexuses of the universes together in perfect harmony.

I hope you have a great day… a great Fri-day. And weekend.

UFC 129 is all I care about in my big banzai tree brain.

I won’t lie, I’m kind of rooting for Jake Shields because it will be a disturbance in the force like no other.

I’m probably 55% – 45% rooting for Shields, but if I was betting on the fight I would put my money on GSP.

I think Jose Aldo will keep his belt. Good luck to Mark Hominick, but I don’t think he is the man to unchampion “Scarface”.

I also don’t believe this is Randy Couture’s last fight unless Lyoto Machida humbles him. Even if Randy somehow humbles Lyoto, I bet there is still a fight out there that would interest Randy if the setting/price was right.

I think Pippa could tap out Kate. Just saying.

Have a great weekend.

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Micropenis.

Girls do not like to hear the word “micropenis”. Guys are not in love with it either, but I’m sure guys get a laugh out of it unless they’re talking about their own micropenis. But girls do not like the word micropenis. Is it the word “penis”? No. Girls don’t mind the word penis. I imagine when there are no penises around, girls probably say that word or a euphemism for that word quite a bit. Is it the word “micro”? Nah. If you told a girl you were a “microbiologist”, I’m sure you’ll keep that lass’ attention for at least a couple more minutes until you actually explain what a microbiologist does and then she’s all “borriiiiinnnggg”. Or at least that is the impression I get from every sitcom I’ve ever watched.

Anyway, micropenis is the first word on the lips of Marlow Stern, who writes for The Daily Beast, in article he wrote about Natalie Portman’s Dad’s novel. Yes, that Marlow… oh wait, who is he? Well, he provided this little non-bragging bio at the bottom of the article:

Marlow Stern works for The Daily Beast and has a master’s from the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism. He has served in the editorial department of Blender magazine, as an editor at Amplifier magazine, and, since 2007, editor of Manhattan Movie Magazine.

I guess they teach “snark” in the school of journalism at Columbia because this article is full of it.

Actually, I learned a lot from the bio because I thought “Marlow Stern” was a woman, but he’s a dude. Doesn’t change much. Just mentioning. I digress…

NATALIE PORTMAN!!!!

The gorgeous Natalie Portman has a father. His fatherly name is Dr. Avner Hershlag. That father is “One of the country’s most renowned reproductive specialists, the Yale-educated Hershlag is Director of the Donor Egg and Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis, Director of Fertility Laboratories, and Medical Director of the In Vitro Fertilization Program at the Center for Human Reproduction in North Shore, Long Island” as the article notes.

The doctor also fancies himself a writer. He has finished his first novel entitled Misconception, which is of the creepy sounding genre “fertility-thriller”. No surprise it is a “fertility-thriller” considering the bolded sentence above. Either way, the book sounds a tad bit insane. Marlow Stern seemingly read the book and then gave a spoiler filled breakdown of the wilder moments of the book. Those will be in bold and my comments in the reg underneath them.

Let’s just say, Dr. Avner is one to tell a tale, a tall tale, a tall absurd and ridiculous tale. Here is the synopsis:

Dr. Hershlag’s debut novel is set in Washington D.C. and centers on Dr. Anya Krim, the fertility specialist for the President and his wife. She delivers a deformed baby with “ambiguous genitalia” who later goes missing and its mother is found dead. Krim then discovers Megan Tanner, a senator’s daughter who has been in a coma for two years, is also pregnant. Senator Tanner is the Majority Whip, and chairman of a senate committee overhearing a controversial Embryonic Stem Cell Bill in Congress. If Dr. Krim—a rape victim herself—didn’t have enough on her petri dish, the First Lady’s last-ditch effort to conceive goes haywire when her embryos are kidnapped from the lab.

And that’s only the beginning.

HOLY BATSHIT GHOST OF A DAN BROWN NOVEL!!!!! Where is Robert Langdon and his well toned body for a man of his age when you need him?! Damn it. He’s probably on a G5 flying at mach 8 over the Spanish mountains as the sun sets on another murder of an old acquaintance in a hidden library under the Barcelona soccer stadium. If that paragraph of a synopsis didn’t clue you in yet that this book is dealing with an out of control writer making everything more grandiose than a John Grisham/Michael Bay micropenis baby then you need to hold dearly tight to your computer chair because this is going to get ridiculous.

1. THE “ODDBALL” MICROPENIS CASE

Misconception’s prologue opens with a doctor inspecting the pubic region of a 12-year-old male patient. He first notes that the boy has no pubic hair. Then, the doctor takes “oddballs” (i.e. plastic balls) and measures them against the young boy’s testicles, noting that the boy’s balls are “size one.” (Pg. xiii) The doctor proceeds to measure the boy’s penis with a yardstick, noting that it is 1.5-inches long. He informs the boy and his doting mother that the child has “Fragile Y Syndrome,” meaning that his X chromosome is fine, but his Y chromosome is weak. In other words: “His penis and testicles will always be small” and he’ll grow up tall and skinny with “a micropenis and two microtesticles.” (Pg. xiii) The story then flashes forward 28 years—the boy has grown up to become Hugh Nicholson, the head of a cloning facility where he and his partner, Dr. Jeremy “Cody” Coddington, duplicate dogs for up to $100,000 apiece.

AM. I. RIGHT?! Fuck yeah, this book is amazing. What more could you want? A female character. Sure. But we’ll get to them and they’ve all been raped or something as the synopsis mentioned. Regardless, we have a micropenis paired with microtesticles, which may sound bad, but think of the alternative. Imagine having a penis so small that doctors for sheer professional conduct purposes have to refer to as scientifically “micro”. Then you have a pair of big old balls flapping around behind it? That doesn’t make sense. There needs to be some symmetry here. The Divine Creator doesn’t give you a tiny dick and big balls. He gives you tiny everything. Makes sense.

Oddballs. Love it. Didn’t know such a thing existed, but I’m into it. If you have a device called oddballs then you use it. I get that. But why use a yardstick on a boy with a micropenis? Is that just to insult him even further? Let’s get this out of the way, there is maybe a .001% of men who stack up well against a yardstick. I’m not even sure if that is true. A yard?! A yard is three fucking feet! THREE FEET OF PENIS?! Who the hell has three feet of penis? I have watched way more than a good deal of porn in my day and I have never stumbled across a man with a three foot penis in these videos. Yeah, there have been some dudes who have over a foot of penis, which is absolute insanity. It is insane. They are certainly a minority of a minority of a minority out there in the world. But even then you’re two feet shy of a yardstick. How about we just ditch the yardstick and get a classic foot long ruler?

So, the boy has a tiny penis and some tiny nuts, but does that stop him in life? FUCK NO! That mofo is cloning dogs! The boy with the smallest penis and ball set in the world has discovered perfect cloning like he is a damn alien from the future! Unreal. Un-fucking-real. I bet “Cody” his “partner” is just the looks with his normal penis and balls, but Hugh is the brains. Already, this book is too crazy for its own good and we’re just through the PROLOGUE! We’re in the xxxiiixixixi pages. Here come the actual numbered ones…

2. MYSTERIOIUSLY PREGNANT, COMATOSE “ANTONIO” LOVER

Megan Tanner is the coma-stricken teenage daughter of Wyoming Senator Nelson Tanner III—a scar-faced, Armani-clad Vietnam vet with a prosthetic leg. She lapsed into the coma after her pot-smoking prom date crashed his car into a tree and the Senator apparently disposed of the teenage driver. Megan has been in a coma for two years, yet she’s mysteriously 20 weeks pregnant. Dr. Krim assumes that her comatose patient has been raped in her sleep by a necrophiliac, which triggers memories of Krim’s own rape eight years prior. As the FBI investigates the case, Megan’s rests in her hospital quarters—a recreation of her own room at home, with “posters of Antonio Banderas, Antonio Sabato Jr., Sarah Chang, Tara Lipinski, and Maroon 5.” (Pg. 13) [Huh?]

First off, I support anyone who references America’s sweetheart Tara Lipinski. That girl won a gold medal for us! FOR US! Secondly, what? I’m glad the doctor “assumed” she was raped because I’m no doctor, but unless we’re saying coma patients can have consensual sex then she was raped or that “pot-smoking” prom date had time-release sperm. One or the other. The only other options are “miracle” aka “Jesus baby” or someone stuck her with a needle of sperm and got her preggers. I would imagine in vitro fertilization is more complicated then just quietly sticking someone with a syringe of splooge, but who knows? If it is more complicated than that then I would imagine someone would have noticed someone doing that to the coma patient of the well dressed, but one-legged Senator who also ditched a weed smelling body in the woods of Wyoming.


3. THE BLACK SWAN CONNECTION

At one point, Dr. Krim gets in a heated argument with her Lincoln University Hospital co-worker Dr. Feinberg, the chairman of the Center for Human Reproduction. Feinberg—Krim’s supposed nemesis—sports a glass eye because it’s rumored that “an angry resident who couldn’t tolerate his mockery had stabbed his left eye with a scalpel.” He wants to abort Megan’s unborn child via C-section, despite it being 20 weeks along. Krim fights Feinberg and refuses to give in, saying [out of nowhere], “I can see this little girl grow up, take ballet lessons, maybe even get really good, a prodigy of sorts.” Feinberg doesn’t want to hear about her possible principal dancer future, saying, “Terminate—or be terminated.” (Pgs. 78-79)

YES! The drama! Dr. Feinberg could very well be the biggest asshole of all time. I’ve had some asshole co-workers in my time, but never to the point that I or a different co-worker STABBED THEM IN THE EYE WITH A SCALPEL. That’s how big of an asshole Dr. Feinberg is. That isn’t necessarily a “death blow”. That is a “I want to cause you so much pain and I want to maim your entire existence on this planet if you survive this” blow. That’s a whole level of anger most will never achieve expect Dr. Feinberg did make them achieve it and it happened to them. That’s absolutely insane and he’s still risen to the role of “Chairman”. As for Dr. Krim’s flash forward? If I was standing there and having an objective opinion, I would have thought Krim just lost the argument with that nonsense. “maybe even get really good”? We’re going to keep the rape baby because there’s an off chance she’ll get “really good” at ballet. Ballet?! And who is forcing this child into ballet? Is that part of her social contract for existence. Hey kid, you want to live? Yes. You have to do ballet? But I hate ballet. I repeat, do you want to live? Yes, but doesn’t this seem weird and arbitrary. And Dr. Feinberg may have been in a Rambo movie with that “terminate – or be terminated” line. Wow. This book is GOLD!

4. FORGET VIAGRA: TRY AN ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION INJECTION!

The deformed baby Dr. Krim delivers has been cloned by Fragile Y Syndrome sufferer Hugh Nicholson, who intended the child to be the heir to an unnamed royal for $10 million. Nicholson has his partner Cody inject “three different medicines, which together erased muscle relaxation and increased blood flow to create an erection” into the shaft of his penis. (Pg. 40) This is just another day at the office for Cody and it is Nicholson’s effort to have sex with one of the five surrogates working for him. She apparently finds their sexual exploits pleasurable despite the fact that Nicholson has micro genitalia and major issues—we find out he is a bizarre megalomaniac. (Pg. 44)

A typical day at the office is jamming needles filled with mystery drugs into the minuscule penis of Hugh Nicholson? Do you get a 401k plan and health coverage because I think my resume is more than enough qualified for me to handle that responsibility. The second half of this story is really a condemnation of women as an entire gender. There’s some chick who is into this? Of course, there is! Why wouldn’t there be some micropenis hungry surrogate slut just waiting for one of those many injections to take hold in his infant dick so she can get to humping it. Makes all the sense in the fucking world! Oh and the first couple sentences made absolutely no impression on me because I have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. Next!

5. IF D.C. LOBBYIST LOOKS COULD KILL…

A sexy “lobbyist” named Destiny, who Nicholson uses to seduce politicians on Capitol Hill, attempts to bed Senator Tanner. The one-legged Vietnam vet is serving as chairman of the Senate committee overseeing the Embryonic Stem Cell Bill. “She undressed. Her fingers released the knot in his tie like a trained Girl Scout…Tanner sat on the bed, unhooked the below-knee prosthesis, placed it against the wall, and got under the covers.” Destiny says, “You’ve got to untense, Nelson. There are no Democrats in this room.” She then attempts to serve him a glass of Merlot, at which point, Nelson throws the drink on the floor, and, suspecting she’s a spy, screams, “Get dressed and evaporate.” (Pg. 54) Destiny later attempts to seduce a 70-something conservative senator in a hotel suite—also in an effort to get him to favor the Embryonic Stem Cell Bill. But after she undresses, the senator has a heart attack and drops dead. (Pg. 99)

DESTINY?!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH this paragraph is amazing! I want to read a book about Destiny next! The misadventures of being a political prostitute. Soooo good. I’m not saying our political system is a well oiled machine, but I’m pretty sure it would come out that there is a lobbyist named “Destiny” and she is in fact a hot piece of ass sleeping with old right wing Senators. That would come out. There really isn’t much to cover up there, so I’m pretty sure people would hear about that. I love the Girl Scout knot untying bit because not only would a Girl Scout know how to untie a knot, but it also makes it laced with an air of pedophilia. Subtle. So subtle Dr. Avner. Lastly, she might be the worst whore in the existence of paid whores. We have two examples of her not only not securing any vote, but she also doesn’t sleep with either man. Also, who the hell drinks Merlot in bed when with a prostitute? That seems counterproductive.

I really think there could be a great sexy political slap stick comedy about Destiny. 

6. THE FIRST BABY A.K.A. “OPERATION EASTER”

The President and the First Lady are trying to have a baby, which the Secret Service codenamed “Operation Easter.” Despite several attempts at in vitro fertilization, the First Lady—a 42-year-old breast cancer survivor—has been unable to conceive. Dr. Krim has a brief moment of panic before the in vitro procedure: “In a moment, I’ll be sticking a needle in the vagina of the First Lady of the United States. Nothing is routine about this case. And everything is at stake!” (Pg. 91) The first couple’s embryos are later kidnapped from Dr. Krim’s lab.

*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* *clap*

Well done, Dr. Avner. Well fucking done. “Sticking a needle in the vagina of the First Lady of the United States”, who here hasn’t uttered or wanted to utter that phrase in their life? I know it is on my bucket list. And you think that’s something BOOM! the embryos are kidnapped from the lab. Boom fucking boom. You raised $250? I raise a MILLION DOLLARS!! That’s what Dr. Avner is saying in this book. What topic won’t he cover? Also, I would bet that supposed million dollars just mentioned that this fictional President completely ran on his wife being a breast cancer survivor. Sympathy vote!


7. BEWARE THE HUNKY BOYFRIEND’S “SNAKE”

After Dr. Krim is nearly killed by two chiseled thugs, one of which sports “an elaborate tattoo of a dragon” across his biceps, (Pg. 146) she goes home to her “hunky” boyfriend, Dr. Dario D’Acosta (who just happens to be Senator Tanner’s therapist). Battered and bruised, D’Acosta runs her bath and lights some fragrant candles. He then gives her an erotic massage, before kissing “her nipples democratically, one kiss for each,” and then taking her to the bedroom, where they embrace—sans clothing—in bed. “When she felt his hardness,” however, “the feelings evaporated.” Dr. Krim is painfully reminded of her rape eight years prior. “The python’s going to bite me!” she thinks and pleads for D’Acosta to stop. Her longtime partner, becomes a paragon of patience, saying, “I understand.” (Pg. 151)

Nothing is funny about rape unless the victim says “the python’s going to bite me”. That is just sheer absurd lunacy. Who the hell talks like that?! Also, this has two more connections for the Dan Brown fans – dragon tattoos and noting the chiseled physique and wonderful penis of a character in the book. Plus, I’m not sure Dr. D’Acosta is the best therapist if he thinks the best way to calm down a woman who was almost killed by two men and was also raped at one point in the past decade is to try and bang her. Just my non-doctoral guess.

8. SECRET IDENTITIES REVEALED

In a pair of twists reminiscent of an M. Night Shyamalan film, a DNA test on Megan’s baby reveals that Senator Tanner is the father of the his comatose daughter’s child. The President of the United States—a longtime friend of Tanner’s—orders Dr. Krim to abort the baby. Meanwhile, it’s revealed that the seductive lobbyist “Destiny” is actually Caroline, Dr. Krim’s trusted embryologist. (Pg. 177) Caroline betrays Dr. Krim, taking pictures of the presidential embryos and sending a ransom email with photos to the First Lady that reads: “Greetings from your embryos… for the time being, your children-to-be are safe and sound with me… In upcoming messages, I will inform you of the kind of actions you must take to bring your embryos home unharmed… Make enough stupid moves, and you can kiss motherhood good-bye.” (Pg. 181)

I honestly couldn’t have seen any of that coming. I haven’t known Senator Tanner for too long, but I’m hoping he didn’t rape his comatose daughter. I’m imagining someone in some sick fantasy stuck a needle in her vagina like they’re doing with everyone else in this book. As for “Destiny” being Caroline, well that was a shock because Caroline has yet to be mentioned thus far. There are three bullet points left and I have absolutely no clue what will happen nor why half of these characters are interacting with each other. Why was someone trying to kill Dr. Krim? Did I miss that? Why does Hugh have a micropenis and why is he even in this book at all?

9. THE DESTINY OF THE NOT-SO-SWEET CAROLINE

Dr. Krim is framed and arrested by the FBI for kidnapping the embryos. However, she’s bailed out of prison after an anonymous person pays her $1 million bond. Fresh out of jail, Dr. Krim receives an anonymous email to check the liquid nitrogen tanks back at her lab. In the third tank, she finds “a woman’s head floating in a pool of liquid nitrogen. It was detached from the body. It had no neck.” The woman is Destiny/Caroline! (Pg. 220)

WHAT?! HOLY SHIT!!! So much nonsense just happened! I have absolutely no fucking clue what is going on. Who would kill Destiny/Caroline? Are they the same people who tried to kill Dr. Krim before? And if they are why did they kill Caroline? And why did they want to kill either of them? And why was there even a bond set for a woman who was kidnapping embryos from the Presidential couple? I’m like 99% positive if you tried to kidnap and then ransom the embryos of the President of the United States of America then you wouldn’t get a chance to get out of prison or even live.

10. MOMMY DEAREST STRIKES

Gladys Tanner, the wife of Senator Tanner, turns out to be the one who had a clone of Megan placed in her uterus, in order to save her marriage to Senator Tanner, who loved his daughter dearly. Nicholson’s sympathetic associate, Cody—an old friend of Dr. Krim’s—clones the First Lady’s embryos before Nicholson forces him to get rid of the real ones. But the presidential SWAT team recovers the cloned embryos with barely enough time for Dr. Krim to inject them into the First Lady, who eventually finds herself pregnant.

What? Are they all in the same fucking room? Was Cody, Hugh, Dr. Krim, and the First Lady with her legs spread eagle all in one room with a “cloning machine” and a big needle about to get shit done? Then SWAT (why SWAT?) breaks in and gets all this stuff. But the First Lady is preggers anyway. How stupid? Back to the first sentence, so Gladys Tanner is the most well intentioned dumbest woman on the planet. Your daughter is in coma? Oh wait, I have an idea let’s stuff a clone of her inside her vagina and wait for it to pop out without anyone noticing and then you can raise this demon child daughter like nothing happened. Hey, Senator. You’re old and have one leg. Have you ever thought to yourself I want to raise another baby? No, you haven’t. Well here is one anyway. It’s a girl! Oh where did I get this baby? *whisper* It’s a clone of your daughter that I secretly have been cooking in the belly of your brain dead daughter, which isn’t weird at all. *whisper* Umm, it’s a friend’s who said they want you to raise it, which is random, but whatever. JUST RAISE IT AND BE HAPPY!

And for the FINALE!!!!

11. CONQUERING A FEAR OF SNAKES

With all the loose ends tied, Dr. Krim can finally make love to her remarkably patient boyfriend, Dr. D’Acosta, who has been by her side every step of the way. He “waited for her at his bedroom door, holding two glasses of wine. The only lights in the room came from scented candles he’d lit around the bed. A Chopin nocturne played in the background…” and then, the loving couple finally has sex, with Dr. Krim getting over her fear of erections once and for all. (Pgs. 270-271)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

First off, none of the loose ends are tied up because I don’t understand what any of this has to do with anything else. Who were the people who killed Caroline or tried to kill Dr. Krim? Why did we need to know any of the back story of Hugh Nicholson? The only thing we needed to know about him is that he knows how to clone things and then the rest of his story is completely unrelated to the plot. Also, there doesn’t seem to be any reason why Dr. Krim would get over a fear of erections nor is there any reason why she isn’t in jail. Wasn’t she just in a room cloning embryos and sticking them in the First Lady that SWAT had to barge into? Generally, people who are stopped by SWAT end up in jail. I feel like Marlow has left out quite a bit about this insane book that probably doesn’t explain itself any better than this article has attempted.

Best of all… the book is under 300 pages I’m guessing because this finale happens on 270-271. That’s a ton of nonsense happening in a short period of time.

Well done, Dr. Avner. Well done.

You took that idea of less is more and told it to go fuck itself with its micropenis and wrote a rambling mess of insanity that is about a third coherent as any Dan Brown book I’ve read. Good for you.

As for you Natalie…

I appreciate your beauty, sophistication and your sanity more than I ever have before.

Sidenote: if my Dad wrote a book, it would be about a Jewish New York Detective in the 70’s who is solving the city’s biggest murders that may also involve national security and in the mean time he would be a James Bond-esque Lothario and the Mets, Giants, and Knicks would all win their respective championships. Think John Shaft, but he’s Kosher.

I’m imagining most of you haven’t slept.

You haven’t been able to contain your nervous excitement waiting for this second part of the May movies breakdown/Kristen Stewart re-writes. I know your eyes must be dry and irritated from staring at the computer screen and clicking “refresh” over and over and over again for 24 hours until RIGHT NOW when you can read the post and then finally sleep. And sleep. And sleep. Until Hollywood has finally allowed me to make these movies that I dream up in my big ole’ brain.

I imagine my brain as a banzai tree.

It is enormous. Its branches reach the end of the universe in every direction. It’s leaves are perfectly manicured and maintained in what first appears as several cloud like clusters, but with each blink of your eyes more clouds appear. The clouds continue to multiply, but the tree’s branches do not become any more obscured. When you stare deeply into each cluster of leaves, you try to count the leaves as the number seems obtainable, but as you count more leaves emerge and the number becomes difficult to remember. You look downward towards the trunk and its roots. The roots continue on into infinity. They grow deep until your eyes cannot follow. You become fixated with the trunk. You try to walk around the trunk to see the other side, but you are caught in a loop and never can get around to the opposing side. And once you have exhausted yourself trying to count the leaves, count the clusters, walk around the trunk or follow the branches and the roots, you turn away and try to leave and that is when the ninjas appear behind you and ATTACK!

Now onto the rest of the May movies…

Everything Must Go

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Will Ferrell. I love Will Ferrell. I love Will Ferrell like my brother. I don’t have a brother, but if he was any less than Will Ferrell I would be disappointed with him. I would shout at him, “why are you not Will Ferrell?!” and he would cry and he would never have any self-esteem. I am a terrible brother to him, but he is the worst brother ever to me because he’s not Will Ferrell. So, I’m excited for this movie as I am for all Will Ferrell vehicles.

This is dramatic Will Ferrell. Will loses his job and loses his wife in the same day. His wife throws all his belongings onto their front lawn. But Will doesn’t leave. He begins living outside and even starts selling the stuff like his life is a garage sale. He also befriends a neighborhood youth who is coincidentally of African-American descent. And by “coincidentally” I mean it is not a coincidence at all and that is what the producers/writer/director or somebody chose because that kid showed up and he was black and they were like “ok” and he kept coming back to make the movie. It looks it could be pretty good. It doesn’t look as good as Stranger than Fiction, which is an excellent excellent movie if you haven’t seen serious Will Ferrell in that.

Where does Kristen Stewart fit in?

About halfway through the second act, a flash of white light momentarily blinds the youth and Will Ferrell and then Kristen Stewart materializes in front of them out of thin air. She is from the future and she has the power to help them choose the appropriate paths they should take in life to lead the most successful lives they can from that moment onward. They believe her because of the materialization thing and the glow in her eyes make them feel truth in their balls. The youth follows Kristen and eventually becomes an astronaut 20 years into the future. There in that time he goes to the Moon just in time to stop an intergallactic war between the aliens that Will Ferrell finds. That’s right I forgot to mention Will Ferrell because a space explorer through mastering astral projection. He meditates to a level that was thought near impossible where he then sends his consciousness to any point in the universe and in doing so he travels to planets our previous scientists did not think exist. There Will Ferrell’s mental manifestation of his consciousness befriends an alien species far more advanced technological, but far less advanced emotionally. They travel to the moon, but it takes them 20 years and while in that travel they grow angry and once they arrive the black youth who is now a man astronaut hands them a note that Will Ferrell wrote them and then rubbed his musk on and they take this as a peace offering. From there, the youth leads the aliens back to our planet Earth and begin sharing our particular species’ highest qualities and in doing so we learn their technology and they learn our compassion and love. Will is long dead by then as astral projection aged him 1000x than normal speed and died only a year after Kristen Stewart taught him how to perfectly astral project. Oh yeah, then Kristen Stewart comes back to the future and oil wrestles the best looking female alien.

Hesher

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This also looks really good. First thing first, I love Metallica. Always have. They were one of the first bands I ever really listened to. As a kid, I used to go and play at a friend’s house and we would play his dad’s Metallica CDs as we ran around and killed things with imaginary weapons. That still sounds like an excellent time. This movie is filled with Metallica music and the titular character “Hesher” played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt was inspired by former Metallica bassist and living being Cliff Burton. It appears the movie is about a spiritually broken family with Rainn Wilson as the dad and some kid as the kid. Then there is Joseph Gordon-Levitt who is the crazy person who moves and shakes everything up. Also, Natalie Portman works at a local department store and I think her Hesher might end up together or something.

It looks interesting. The trailer is vague and doesn’t show too much about what the plot is. I’m starting to accept this Joseph Gordon-Levitt love. I really wasn’t much of a fan for awhile. I didn’t like Brick and I didn’t like The Lookout and I didn’t really like too much he was apart of (outside of 3rd Rock from the Sun). I did like 500 Days of Summer a lot and I thought he was good in Inception. So, I’m trying to be cool with it. He keeps popping up in movies I’m interested in. I love Natalie Portman and she’s in it. Did you know Natalie Portman is in at least 4 movies that are coming out this year? That’s pretty nuts, right? The Other Woman, No Strings Attached, Thor and Hesher. We’re not even talking about the second half of the year. How many more movies could she be in?! I just saw Rainn Wilson in Super and I liked that and him in it. Anyway, I think this should be good or at least worth a look. I’m hoping it will be great.

Where is Kristen Stewart?

Hesher’s twin sister. I don’t really know what this movie is about, but Hesher gets a twin sister. Just put her in ratty metal t-shirts and have her run around in skin tight ripped up jeans head banging, smoking cigs and smashing stuff.

Priest

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Ugh. Just don’t. You’re not seeing this. I don’t really know why I need to talk about this movie because it isn’t like you are actually going to see it. This movie will TANK at the box office. It looks awful and it looks AWFUL! It actually somehow looks like the Wolverine Origin movie and just as bad. The cowboy character in this looks exactly like Gambit. Not literally “looks”, but I mean like the how the character acts, does, what he’s trying to accomplish et cetera. They look like the same dude. Anyway, you’re not seeing it. You’re not seeing Paul Bettany with a permanent Ash Wednesday cross on his forehead fighting cgi chimp teal vampires. It looks awful. The funny thing is this is based off a comic book and there are no vampires in the comic book, but that is the only thing this movie is about. Damn Twilight.

Where is Kristen Stewart?

She has a flame thrower and she burns every copy of this film in every medium, so that no one every sees it ever.

Midnight in Paris

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Ok, I’m talking myself into this movie being good. I haven’t liked a Woody Allen film in over a decade, but I’m really curious about this one. As usual with Woody Allen films the main character is pretty much him. Back in the day, he played that neurotic character and he played it amazingly. Then it got kind of old and so did he and he would randomly substitute another actor in for himself. He did it with John Cusack, which I hated. He did it with Jason Biggs, which I hated. He even did it with Larry David, which I hated. This time it’s Owen Wilson and it’s the first one I like the choice. I think Owen can pull off this squirrelly, off-beat, curious guy and I hope that is how they have him play it.

The story is that a family is traveling in Paris. Owen is married and not bored, while everything else seems more interesting and better. He starts isolating himself and takes a walk at night where he gets into hijinx in Paris in this wild world at night. Then he keeps doing this sneaking off to get into the hijinx while hanging out during the day with the family. I like the idea of the movie. I’m really curious about this because I like Owen Wilson a lot and I think he is used improperly by a lot of people, but Allen’s humor could be a nice fit for Wilson. Great cast as well. I’m looking forward to this movie and I think it can deliver as opposed to these others he has churned out. I haven’t liked the dramas or any of these movies he’s done with Scarlett. I love Scarlett, but Scoop sucked, Match Point was sexy at times, but really pointless I thought and Vicky, Christina, Barcelona was drivel and it didn’t deliver on the lesbian scene it sold itself on. So, I’m hoping for a good Woody Allen movie.

Where does Kristen Stewart fit in?

Clearly, she is involved in the wild hijinx at night. I think she should play an American who thinks they are a Parisian a Parisian out of a Jean Luc Godard film. Really French. Smoking cigarettes. Wearing berets. Wearing that tight prison white and black bar long sleeve t-shirt that the French love so much. She writes bad poetry and drinks coffee. She is very serious, but over flowing with cheesy fatalism. She talks in a Spanglish version of French. Frenglish? She could lead him on the most soap opera dramatic chase around Paris where he thinks she is into him, but really she is trying to get him to fight her French boyfriend to make her boyfriend jealous and the two of them get back together.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

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Oh man, seriously? Is anyone actually still seeing these movies? If you sat through the third Pirates movie you deserve a medal… you also deserve to be beaten with a wiffleball bat filled with newspaper. That movie was horrendous and it was horrendously long. It was a shade under 3 hours and it was by far the worst of the these three movies where the best one is a “meh” “Summer blockbuster”. In all seriousness, Transformers or Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen are both better movies than any of the Pirates movies or even a compilation of the best scenes/moments of the Pirates put together in a music video set to Daft Punk’s album “Homework”. So, I’m not looking forward to this movie nor will I see it.

The funny thing about this series is everyone has “jumped ship”, but we the viewers are supposed to continue watching until the bitter end and go “down with the ship”. Orlando Bloom was the first to leave. Then Keira Knightley. Then the director Gore Verbinski. Now, all that’s left is Johnny and they’re bringing back Geoffrey Rush. The movie will also have Penelope Cruz and Ian McShane for no apparent reason. Even as I’m typing this I couldn’t possibly imagine a human being excited to see this. Seriously? Isn’t it enough at some point? The first movie was whatever, but you got a sequel out of it. If you loved Jack Sparrow so much and wanted to see more of him… well, you got it. You got another 2 hours of Jack running around half-scared throwing out drunken one liners and falling ass backwards into success all with big boastful soundtracks in a movie with as much substance as a bad Michael Bay movie. So, you got it. You got like 4 hours of it or more. Then you got greedy and I guess you were the ones who asked for more. I felt like the fanbase was pretty over this whole charade and the third one was just a studio movie made by the studio without any wanting from the public. In return, we received or were thrown at a 3 hour snooze fest that is as insulting as it is long. So we have easily 7 hours of Captain Jack Sparrow doing the same EXACT bits that he’s been doing since the first 10 minutes of the first Pirates movie. ISN’T IT ENOUGH ALREADY?! Absolutely nothing happens in these movies. Change out all the actors put in new ones, have him face this guy then this guy, have his boat fly or take off to the moon, or it goes underwater like a submarine, or he just runs around the jungle! Every fucking scene is the exact same and it never ends like a Mobius strip of fantastical pirates.

Ugh. I don’t like these movies.

I think Kristen Stewart should play the role of a hitman and go to the houses of the executives who make these movies and shoot a musket ball right into their fucking head and put a stop to these movies forever. Then she should go to Johnny Depp’s house and tell him these movies suck and if he was as good of an actor as he claims then he needs to step the fuck on and stop playing the same fucking part over and over again. We get it, you can play British nancy drunk. Great, but I don’t give a fuck and you’re from fucking Kentucky, so act like it.

The Hangover Part II

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I love it, already.

I was/am a big fan of The Hangover. I think it is a solid movie. I think it is funny, but I think it is a watchable movie that has a nice wild journey with plot points and characters evolving and so on and so forth. I’ve seen the movie a dozen times now and I don’t really laugh out loud too much while watching it anymore, but I enjoy it thoroughly. Todd Phillips made a well planned out movie that doesn’t feel cheap or derivative. I was thoroughly worried that was exactly what the sequel was going to be. The sequel would be an unwanted cashing in on a successful first film. But I won’t lie this looks good. It looks like they have taken what was the same idea of the first movie and re-inventing well for this second movie.

The idea for this movie is that Ed Helms (Stu) is getting married to Jamie Chung in Thailand. The night before the wedding they take Jamie’s brother out on the town and the next morning they wake up in a ramshackle room in Bangkok and the boy is nowhere to be found. This will then lead them on a wild ride through Bangkok where Helms has a Mike Tyson face tattoo, Mike Tyson is scheduled to be in the movie as well as Bill Clinton, and Ken Jeung is back too. I think it could work and be fun and all that good stuff.

Where could Kristen Stewart fit in?

Well, probably no where. Todd Phillips doesn’t really do female characters. If you notice in his movies there are females in them kind of, but not much happens with them. Not to point it out more with him than other directors because Christopher Nolan hasn’t done much with chicks either. Or most directors. I was listening to a Comedy Death Ray podcast that Zack was on and Paul F. Thompkins made a joke about the great female characters in The Hangover. There is the “monster” and the “whore” and that was it. HAHAHAHAHAHAH and Zachary laughed quite hard at that as well.

So, in that vain Kristen Stewart could play a madam/dominatrix at a Bangkok brothel who gives all the guys a rough time over what happened the night before and probably beats them with a paddle while in prone positions.

Kung Fu Panda 2

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Sure. I didn’t sit through all of the first, but if I was a little kid I would have thought this movie was pretty neat-o. Or maybe not. I started watching adult movies pretty early on, so maybe this was too kiddy for me. I didn’t really enjoy the first 30 minutes of the first movie. I found it slow and not funny. Just fucking fight already! It could have gotten better. I doubt these movies are bad. They don’t look bad, they just look like something I don’t want to watch. The animation is solid and the concept is great. So, why not?

What’s the second Kung Fu Panda about? I don’t know. I’m 27 years old! I don’t know what it’s about. It’s probably about what the first one was about with a couple new characters. He’s a panda who is fat, but he’s really good at Kung Fu and he has to fight someone no one thinks he can beat, but then he beats that person. Sounds plausible.

Where does Kristen Stewart fit in?

She plays the MMA trained snow leopard who beats the shit out of every classically trained martial artist because their rigid fighting styles can’t adapt to her takedowns, aggressive stand-up, and overall brutish onslaught of pain. She bum rushes the panda with punches, shoots for a takedown and then secures mount and beats the panda bloody with elbows then she flips him over and rear naked chokes him to death. End of movie. Good night.

Tree of Life

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Yes. Yes. Yes.

Do you know what Terrence Malick means in Jordanese? Perfection. And yes I have my own language.

From IMDB the storyline is – “The story centers around a family with three boys in the 1950s. The eldest son witnesses the loss of innocence.” That’s pretty fucking vague. I think I can fill in a little more than that. Sean Penn plays the one son grown up as he is looking back on his life now that he is depressed and I believe suicidal. Brad Pitt plays a tough father and Jessica Chastain the loving mother.

The movie looks exquisite. Like all of Terrence Malick’s movies it looks like art and it has depth. Some directors try to make a movie like a painting, but then the story and acting is just as thin as the paper it was painted on. But Malick creates these films that feel exotic even if they’re set in the America’s midwest and they’re emotional depth is oceanic. The movies literally feel weighty. They feel heavy. They are like 2000 pounds of feathers lying on your chest. He is an incredible filmmaker. He’s only directed 4 movies and this will be his 5th, but they’re not movies. They’re symphonies. They’re movements. They’re inspiring.

So, I’m looking forward to this immensely.

Where should Kristen Stewart be in this?

Well, if she isn’t in it then she shouldn’t be in it. She should be in the theater watching it like everyone else.

And that’s the May movie wrap up.

The month seems to get better as it goes along.

Have fun in the movies! Not this weekend, of course, as Fast Five is the big movie coming out and that will suck.

It’s Monday! So, happy fucking Monday.

I hope you all had a great weekend including the majority of you who celebrated Easter. Whether you celebrated it by eating chocolate bunny rabbits or marshmallow peeps or going to church for the first time since Christmas or sleeping in and going to brunch or painting eggs or however you choose to celebrate your religious holiday in your religious ways.

Today, I will begin a TWO part post that has TWO interior themes.

The first theme – previewing the movies for the month of May

The second theme – imagining those said movies if Kristen Stewart and her WANT were in them.

It’s seems pretty simple. The movies I have picked to preview are the biggies that will be in theaters and I threw in a couple of indies aka lessies to spice things up. There are a lot of indie or lessie movies that come out every month and generally speaking those are the ones you should be saving in your queue on Netflix.

Por ejemplo, Passion Play looks like it could be at the very least interesting. It has Bill Murray and Mickey Rourke and they’re fighting over Megan Fox who is an angel/stripper or something. It is directed by a writer and now first time director Mitch Glazer. I doubt the movie will be great, but it could be an enjoyable absurd sort of fantastical movie.

At the same time, there are just as many bad indies or lessies as there are biggies. Por ejemplo, Daydream Nation. This looks like a paint by numbers movie of the new hot girl and outsider girl in school sleeps with her teacher and a boy her age and then the mellow-drama continues. Kat Dennings and her heavenly jugs play this 17 year old high schooler with the wandering poon. I understand that there are girls in high school who do have big boobs, I’m not saying that isn’t possible, but it is really hard to just cast 24 year old Kat and throw her into a high school and not think that her breasts have at the very least graduated college. Maybe that’s it! Kat can’t relate to kids her own age at the school because her chesticles have already been to law school, passed the bar and are working local circuit courts.

Anyway, these movies should be coming out in the month of May unless the apocalypse hits.

The Beaver

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There’s no better way to start a new month of movies than with “Good Times” Mel Gibson. I’m not 100% positive Mr. Gibson’s nickname is “Good Times”, but it seems to fit like a glove. In this film directed by Jodie Foster, Gibson plays a depressed middle age man who lost his family and his career and starts using a hand puppet to express himself as a psychological coping/defense mechanism and he’s not racist/antisemitic. The last bit was the hardest part for Gibson to act as. Did you know Mel Gibson was a racist and antisemitic? Well he is. A couple of the actors who have known Mel for a long time say he isn’t. It says a lot about how subjective people can be when they hear someone they’ve known for years tell their significant other that they’re going to get raped by a pack of n’s and not bat an eye lash about it. I would hope that would have greatly offended them because if they didn’t then they don’t care about people hoping for other people to get raped… and the flagrant use of the n-word and the pack animal element part too. It’s kind of all bad. Also, this was coming on the heels that he was hitting this woman and possibly the baby, but it was all taken out of context I guess.

The movie itself looks like a sap fest. Gibson is a big ole’ puss puss and he’s so swad and he needs a hand puppet to talk again. Isn’t that something? I’m not sure why Foster specifically chose Gibson, but it is kind of hard to look past him at the movie that looks pretty shallow anyway. I get he is depressed and he uses a puppet to cope. I think there are other actors who could have played this part with 1/10th the amount of controversy that comes with Gibson. Seriously, couldn’t a bearded Robin Williams play this role? Or un-bearded? The only thing that does make sense is that Gibson is a good looking enough guy to have snagged Jodie Foster if Jodie wasn’t more interested in chicks.

Well, I would change this movie that there is no beaver or at least no stuffed animal one. Instead, the main character runs into a down on their luck young woman played by Kristen Stewart. The guy has money and the girl has a lot of sassy fuck you spirit. He pays her to be his mouthpiece instead of some sock puppet. People are constantly asking who she is, where she came from, is he sleeping with her and so forth, but really she is just talking for him because he is depressed and tired of talking for himself. He goes about his day, goes to work, goes to meetings, goes to dinner et cetera, but she does all the talking. In the process she is making decisions in a life that has means and understands consequences as opposed to her own life where she was just drifting along doing nothing. I like that movie much better.

Hobo with a Shotgun

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You’ve just seen the best part of the movie – the poster. I just watched this movie and it is terrible. I was hoping this movie was good. I watched Machete a week ago and thought that was bad and was hoping this was good and then I would say how a no name like this guy made the same movie, but better, but it was worse. So, Machete and Hobo with a Shotgun were trailers for fake movies that were made for the Grindhouse experience. If you saw the two Grindhouse movies in the movies together like I did then you may remember there were all these trailers for movies that didn’t exist. Those trailers were more enjoyable than the two Grindhouse movies and now there are two just as un-enjoyable feature length versions of them in Machete and this Hobo with a Shotgun.

Hobo has all the charm of any movie devoid of story and filled to the gills with fake blood and torture and menace. The movie is 90 minutes of gruesome violence or talking about gruesome violence and there is very little else. You could easily remove all the dialogue from this film and replace it with an overdubbed loop of you saying “Blah blah blah… blah blah blah blah… blah blah fart blah” and you would get the same exact experience. There isn’t a single thing uttered by a single character that is worth hearing. In the end, everyone pretty much dies except the girl the Hobo tries to save 20 some odd minutes into the movie.

The only thing worth noting about this movie is that Canadians made it. Many believe Canadians are great, but they’re not. They have the exact same amount of talentless and worthlessness coming out of that country as the rest.

Where could Kristen Stewart fit into this movie? Easy…

KRISTEN STEWART with a SHOTGUN

The movie will start out with Kristen Stewart arriving in town minutes after the Hobo does and she doesn’t stop firing her real shotgun with real ammunition and killing people until everyone in the town is dead and then she breaks through the fourth wall and kills all the people who worked on this movie from caterers to costume designers to the director and producers and if they’re not all there on the set then she will schedule plane flights to fly to their homes and kill those people as well.

Jumping the Broom

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I’ve never heard a person, black or otherwise, say anything about jumping brooms. If I can give credit to Hobo with a Shotgun about anything is that the movie does literally feature a hobo with a shotgun. I have no idea what a movie about a poor family and a rich family coming together through marriage has to do with brooms and jumping them. If you’re wondering, this is the only black film this year that is not produced by Tyler Perry nor does it feature Madea. But it will be arguably the same entertainment value… actually worse. You would be surprised how violent Madea is and how funny that can be for a movie that seems to be pushing you into the church half of the time.

So, the guy is from “downtown” so he’s blue collar and the girl is from “uptown” so she’s white collar and guess what? The two families don’t see eye to eye. The only thing truly memorable about this movie is that Paula Patton and Meagan Good are so damn attractive. I love them. They’re so pretty and they’re in the worst movies.

Where does Kristen fit in? Easy – she’s with the “downtown” family. I’m not sure if she is with Mike Epps or not in the movie, but she’s the thug white chick who the “downtown” people point out as being blacker than the uppity white republican acting “uptown” family. She can be some orphan the “downtown” mamma took in and that shows how much a sweetheart that she is instead of the tough exterior she keeps putting out there. Who doesn’t want to see Kristen Stewart act street?

Something Borrowed

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HAHAHAHAHAH… Egglesfield?! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! What a name? He appears to be a pretty man. I hope he’s been pretty his whole life for his sake because Egglesfield is a name of a kid who gets beat up a lot. I don’t care if Egglesfield doesn’t necessarily have a lot of heckling built into it because kids will punch, push and attack just about anyone with a weird sounding name and Egglesfield is weird sounding. Either way, this movie looks bad.

Ginnifer Goodwin plays the soulmate of Egglesfield. The two went to school together, hung out together and for no apparent reason they’ve never hooked up together. I’ve never been a dashingly handsome pretty boy who has a hot girl I’m best friends with and spend all my days with and we seem to have everything in common, so maybe this type of stuff happens. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t happen, but let’s just say it does for this movie. One day Ginnifer introduces the secret love of her life to Kate Hudson and Kate Hudson steals him away. Ginnifer stands by and watches this happen and continues to be best friends with Kate Hudson. I’ll say two things:

1. How does Ginnifer Goodwin not make it clear to her best friend that if you lay a hand on Egglesfield that I’ll cut your blonde bitch ass up with a machete? I thought that was about all women did. They’re “friends”, but they’re really just enemies in waiting who hang out together.

2. This movie really presupposes that Kate Hudson is a lot more attractive than Goodwin. It appears that Goodwin is the homely smart friend while Hudson is the flashy hot friend. I don’t really think that Hudson is anymore attractive than Goodwin. Unless Goodwin makes a point of celibacy in the movie then that guy would be idiotic to go with Hudson and not this perfect guy they’re making him out to be. Also, if after knowing a guy who is perfect for you for years and he immediately falls for the flashy hot friend then he wasn’t the deepest guy ever.

John Krasinski is in the movie playing the voice of reason I guess. I don’t know. He kind of just shows up randomly in the trailer. In the end, it really doesn’t matter who gets who because they’re all unlikable and stupid.

I would throw Kristen Stewart in there to cat fight Kate and Ginnifer. Why? Who knows? Chicks cat fight in my mind all the time. They just sense each other through pheromones and then attack and clothes come off and then they fall into fountain or kiddy pool full of KY lotion and then they take a shower later to clean themselves off and by that time they’re all giggling like “can you believe how out of hand that got?” then they decide to kiss and make-up, which gets really graphic and eventually they become traveling dance DJs and paint.

Thor

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Oh man this movie looks so bad. I’ve talked a lot about how bad I think this movie looks already and I may in the future talk about it again. It just looks bad. So bad. All of it looks bad. It looks like they hired a bunch of British actors to play Vikings Gods because who would know the difference and then the main one, Thor, ends up in a facade town built in the California desert so they could wreck it without much cost of needing to rebuild it. That’s about it. The movie looks so dumb.

I wish the movie was about a guy who thought he was Thor, but who wasn’t. He was just some guy played by Chris Hemmsworth who was jacked and everything that Natalie Portman discovers as a homeless drifter. In the movie, she ends up taking him in and he is babbling about Valhalla, but really he is just a crazy guy off his meds who lives in the streets. But he is so pretty and his biceps are so big, she believes him and sleeps with him and so forth. Then her bitchy best friend Kat Dennings also sleeps with him and the two of them are fighting over this homeless guy who works out a lot. Then he disappears for a bit and the two of them get nostalgic and start looking for other homeless men who could be Gods who just lost their magical hammer. In the end of the movie, it becomes apparent that he was just an insane person living in his own filth, but they bought it into him because he had a 6 pack and really developed pecks.

But back to this steaming pile of shit movie. Well, I could think of one of two things.

1. Kristen Stewart could play the character of Sif. She’s a Norse viking goddess. It would be Kristen wearing about the biggest set of fake boobs ever and her using all sorts of magical powers to destroy everything in her path. That’s about it. I wouldn’t mind seeing that.

2. Before Thor arrives, Kristen Stewart, Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings were all going out as a lesbian threesome. Portman battles with being a lesbian or going straight for Thor. In the meantime, there are dozens if not hundreds of scenes of Stewart and Portman and Dennings getting it on. Or Dennings and Stewart getting it on while Portman watches. Or Stewart forces Portman and Dennings to do it while she guards the door to make sure Thor doesn’t show up. I really think adding that element would flesh out the movie. I mean if Portman is just single and straight then why not shack up with Thor. But if she is bi-sexual and she is already have kinky amazing constant sex with Kat Dennings and Kristen Stewart then giving that up to have a relationship with a fallen Norse Lord seems a little more difficult of a choice.

Bridesmaids

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Looks good.

So out of these movies, this is the only one I want to see. I’ll end up seeing Thor out of obligation and curiosity. I have to know how bad the movie really is. I have to know with my own two eyes. But Bridesmaids looks funny. I’m 100% on board because they’re funny chicks and the movie is R rated. I like all these chicks separately, so having them in one big group where they’re mixing it up and cracking wise should be a good time. Not really sure what else to say. I hope it is good. I really do hope so. I would like this to do well and then keep seeing some of these ladies make good movies and then maybe other ladies will make good movies instead of shit like Something Borrowed. That would be nice.

The movie looks pretty self-explanatory. There is a time in many relationships’ lives where they decide to take it up a notch and get married. So Maya Rudolph is getting married and these are her bridesmaids. Makes sense. They’re a motley crew and they’ll get into some hijinx.

Where would Kristen fit in?

She’s the crazy sister-in-law who isn’t a bridesmaid. The chick all the way to the left from Mike & Molly and/or was the chick from Gilmore Girls is I think playing the sister of the man Maya Rudolph is marrying in the movie. I think Kristen could play her younger sister who isn’t made a bridesmaid because of a numbers game plus Maya thinks she is nuts and is hoping she won’t be around for anything. Instead, Kristen is batshit crazy and follows the women around like she’s the T-1000 in Terminator 2: Judgment Day and/or Carrie Fisher in Blues Brothers. Of course, this can culminate with a wild wedding cat fight between Ellie Kemper from The Office and Rose Byrne versus Kristen Stewart.

Ok, so a lot of these movies can be improved by cat fights or lesbians.

Am I wrong?

End of Part I…

Happy Friday… Happy Good Friday? HAPPY GOOD FRIDAY!!!

Even though Good Friday is a sad holiday, you can still have a happy one. No one is wishing you to have a bad sad holiday. They want you to have a good sad holiday. Always accomplishing things. Always moving forward. Always making the best out of a holiday about someone being crucified. Who says you can’t win the lottery on Good Friday?

Anyway…

Have a happy day and a happy weekend.

If you celebrate Good Friday then most likely your weekend will end in chocolate.

No one would have ever guessed that one if they were there at that crucifixion. Am I right?

Guy 1: Today is the saddest day because we just watched a guy get literally crucified.

Guy 2: Yeah, but everything will be better on Sunday.

Guy 1: Uhhhh… why?

Guy 2: We all get to eat chocolate and paint eggs.

Guy 1: Are you being serious? Serious?! SERIOUS!!!!???!!!! I love chocolate! It’s my favorite!!!

Guy 2: Also, the eggs. We get to paint them.

Guy 1: Best weekend ever!

– end scene –

If religion wasn’t real then I would think the person was fucking with me… hardcore.

So this week I wrote about Weezer’s Blue Album, which I imagine everyone was so busying listening to it to comment on the insightful, personal and mind altering great article. I also mentioned Will Ferrell next next movie that is in all Spanish. His next movie is coming out soon and is dramedy about him getting divorced and losing his job and befriend a neighborhood youth… so yeah. I also talked about Passover and its oddities. I talked about Bryan Singer being a moron. I showed some pictures of famous girls at Coachella looking unwashed. I mentioned the Hunger Games I think for the first time. I know some people who read this site are expecting that movie to be good. I would say keep your expectations low… like very low. Like Pluto Nash low. Like if someone strapped you to a chair and wouldn’t let you get up and leave until you finished watching the movie Pluto Nash and then writing a favorable review for it. You would have to really change your perception of good to such a minimal level. Keep that in mind when they make this movie.

I’m just saying the same type of people who thought Nikki Reed as a blonde and all the vampires looking like rejects from the Baroque period were good choice and thought you the viewers would be cool with that are going to be the same type of people who will be making this movie.

So… what is today’s post about besides what I just wrote about…

Well, I didn’t get any questions, so I will pose a question to you, the reader. The reader who doesn’t comment. Comment on the page, comment in your head, comment when you’re gettin’ it on in bed…

A little game of would you rather… which of these two songs would you rather have been written about you?

Carly Simon’s – You’re so vain

or

Alanis Morissette – You Oughta Know

Which song would have rather had written about you?

Immediately, I’m thinking I would pick “You’re so vain” because I believe most people are vain. That’s not a big deal. Prince is vain. People love him though. Super models, actors, anyone on TV is vain. It’s not the worst thing in the world. But I think “You Oughta Know” is the better song. I would rather listen to that song. It’s rocking and you can probably just play it off saying that Alanis was a pretty crazy girlfriend and she’s kind of blowing things out of proportion.

But then again… “You Oughta Know” is about Dave Coulier and I don’t want to be associated with that prop using hack comic Uncle Joey. Meanwhile, “You’re so vain” has been linked to many dudes that I would like to be linked to Mick Jagger, Warren Beatty, Kris Kristofferson, Cat Stevens and most of all James Taylor. Not too shabby.

What I know for a fact is that I just don’t want this song to be about me…

I’m not comfortable with the idea of Sting watching me in the shower, pooping and masturbating. That is unsettling. Very unsettling.

Have a great weekend.

I think we all go through phases with music. Sometimes we’re keeping up with what is hip and current. Other times you are knee deep in old records you have heard a million times or should have heard a million times because they’re old.

In the form of the latter, about once a year I find myself listening to Weezer’s Blue Album a million times on repeat. I rarely hear a song from the Blue Album on the radio, but if I do then I would rather be shot than change the channel. I love this album and if there is some ever evolving sub-category of obsequiousness entitled “modern classic” then I would easily throw Weezer’s Blue Album into that intangible time capsule for aliens or future super humans to find and allow this CD to define us.

Jeebuz they looks young. Because they were. And so was I.

In 1994, I was 11. This album came out and I thought my generation had its own Beatles.

I thought there was literally no limit this band could ever achieve and then bust through with their nerdy guitar riffs.

For a few years, it seemed like that was correct. Their second album Pinkerton was a triumph as well. But following that there was the big layoff and was ended with the Green Album. Outside of “Hash Pipe”, I didn’t like much or anything off the Green Album. After the Green, we got Maladroit. If any other band that’s name wasn’t Weezer put out Maladroit then I would’ve like it more. I thought it was ok, but not really what I wanted out of Weezer. It wasn’t the pop mess I thought the Green Album was. Then there was Make Believe. I did not ever like “Beverly Hills”. Since, Weezer and I have been in a more laissez faire relationship. If I hear a song I’ll listen, but I’m not eagerly seeking anything out and nothing I’ve heard from them makes me want to hear more.

I guess you could say the breaking point was “Beverly Hills”. But the Green Album was really enough for me to stop. It was clear that they were not the same musical group that made the first two albums. The albums after Pinkerton are the Star Wars prequels, animated series, video games, books et cetera and it’s just like stop for my sake. Blue Album is Return of the Jedi with the hits and mix of pop, humor, and epicness. Pinkerton is Empire Strikes Back with its sadness, hipster approval like that was the real great album that got lost without the big MTV singles.

Anyway, the Blue Album is one of my favorite CDs and I doubt that will ever change. I’ve listened to it so much that it hasn’t become worn it has become timeless. I still listen to this CD thinking that this band could have been the Beatles.

After so many listens, I now have permanent feelings regarding each track and I would like to share that with you…

My Name is Jonas

Arguably, my favorite song on the album. It was the first thing I heard from them in a recorded state. I would imagine that I saw the “Buddy Holly” video or heard it on the radio or something and then I got the album. But no matter how the seed was planted, the first song I heard come out of my CD player was this song. This song started the album off with incredible amount of energy and still to this day defines who I think Weezer is as a band. They’re a bunch of nerdy guys who can rock. You don’t have to be Zakk Wylde or in Metallica to play a guitar. You don’t need big biceps or tattoos or have a motorcycle look to shred on guitar. Right off the bat, Rivers et al are tearing it up. The song itself has a great journey feel that this should be the beginning song as if it was cut from marble to be a demon headed sculpture to stand outside a castle labyrinth of music inside. If you can’t deal with this song then you won’t be able to deal with what lays behind. Also, it’s fun. And who doesn’t like fun? People who don’t like this album.

No One Else

The intro always throws me. It is this descending waterfall of guitars right into the poppiest vocals from Rivers and the poppiest lyrics. Have I skipped this track? Sure. Sometimes I don’t feel like thinking about the unattainable dream girl. But at this song continues it continues to rock and the end of it really rocks. The lyrics and the sentiment is why I think of the Beatles. It is bubble gum, but it’s rock music. They also throw in this little guitar solo and it sounds great. It is almost at war with each other like the music is trying to stop the lyrics from being so lightly and get carried away in the riffs. The song easily makes me think of the prototypical John Cusack hero in a movie searching for that one true love/soulmate girl who just so happens to be in his Math class.

The World Has Turned and Left Me Here

If I was naming my favorite songs off this album, I would never think of this song, but I enjoy it thoroughly every time I hear this song. I’ve never been entirely sure if there is a designated “B-side” anymore because these albums came out on CDs, but the idea of a hidden gem “B-side” is still a poetic idea. This song makes me think of that. As they sing about loss, I think about this song being lost in the shuffle of the next two songs, which were big hits. It’s a song that when I’m listening to the album I feel like it just fills out the album perfectly. I’m not saying it is the filet mignon, but it is about the best mashed potatoes you’re going to get as a side. It’s a longer than the past two songs and it has a haunting coldness to it. I feel like this haunting coldness in this song is a set-up for the immense finale on this album. In three songs – rock, pop, haunting. It’s something they do a few times very very well on this album.

Buddy Holly

Well, obviously… the video…

Easily… EASILY one of the greatest music videos ever. As mentioned this may have been my first exposure to Weezer. It definitely was visually. Not only were they making some of the best music available, but they were also apart of one the funniest and most creative videos. It was an insanely effective video. I remember people of all ages talking about. Specifically the elderly… people my parent’s age. The talk was for two reasons: 1. older people actually knew and liked Happy Days. I had seen Happy Days, but I was a lot more enamored with G.I. Joe shooting laser missiles at Cobra Commander to give a flying fuck about Fonzie being cool because he could start a jukebox with a love tap. But these olders like Happy Days or at least had some reverence for it and seeing it like this being ironically referenced like this was eye catching for them. #2. The sheer alien technology that must’ve been used to make the video. The idea that someone could transport themselves into the background of a Happy Days episode was MADNESS! Area 51 was real and this is what we learned from them. They broke through the fourth wall and have gone into the television and did it traveling in time as well. They’ve done it! Next year we’re all getting flying cars like in The Jetsons!

Plus it’s a great song. Even the name “Buddy Holly” and Rivers having that look with glasses was just perfect.

Undone – The Sweater Song

On the heals of visual creativity, “The Sweater Song” was a wildly creative song. The whole scene of being at a party and not just singing about, but acting it out was so different. At the time, I was 11 and I had no concept of the reality of this song. As I have been in many (not braggin’, amirite?) social situations involving booze and old friends, this song is to a T what I’ve experience in some sad realities. It is true to life. I always loved this song from the first moment I heard it. I loved the storytelling. I loved how slow it starts and how rocking it gets. I still feel that way, but you throw in the “I’ve been in situations like this” and it feels even closer. Also, I remember when this song came out and people thought is was so “weird” and I know a lot of people didn’t like it or couldn’t get into it. I liked that it was simple and silly, but somehow it was pushing the envelope. I thought it was great and liked it better than “Buddy Holly” thus solidifying again that I choose the weird over the conventional always.

Surf Wax America

I’ll never forget this one moment in middle school where we were given the opportunity to take poetry and explain the meaning of it through pictures and give an oral presentation about it. I’ll say his name is Chris. Chris was a kid in my class and had been in a bunch. He was an artistic kid, with that California look of a hint of tan and the hair swept over his brow well before Bieber was an itch in someone else’s whatever. But Chris gets up to do his presentation. He announces politely to the class that the poetry he will be doing is Weezer’s song “Surf Wax America”. At that moment, so many factoids about the truth in life flooded over me and nearly drowned me like the waves of water the song suggests.

1. Chris was cool and he just established this with a granite fist – needless to say I felt that the girls in that room wanted to give Chris an oral presentation of their own … which was not the same feeling any of the rest of the guys were getting explaining one of Shakespeare’s billion sonnets or Robert Frost walking in the snowy woods.

2. Music is poetry and I could have done a song instead of some lame ass poetry – that was a shocking revelation. It was something that I wanted to tuck away and use for some other occasion, but never have gotten the chance to. But instantly, I felt like it would have been much more enjoyable listening to “Surf Wax America” over and over again than reading whatever 16th century stuff I found.

3. “Surf Wax America” is a great song. I loved Blue Album, but in the world of “skippable” tracks I had unknowingly donated a spot for “Surf Wax America” and I did so wrongly. Good song. Fun song. Good visuals.

More than anything, I realized that one can always outsmart a teacher and in doing so earn an untold amount of respect from me. The teacher couldn’t argue with Chris. He was right and he followed this all be giving a good presentation. He beat her at her own game. I respected it. I also was envious because as mentioned the girls were even more transfixed on surfer boy than usual.

Say It Ain’t So

One of the hardest rocking songs for Weezer. It starts off light and slow and builds into one of their grimy numbers. It also is a great peak back into the darkside of Weezer. They are not afraid of dabbling in some unconventional lyrics that some may think would be better suited for their peers like Nirvana or Smashing Pumpkins or whoever who dealt with more “serious” sounding lyrics. As for my memory, it is a more recent one. It is from college. Two friends of mine, Ed and Dave formed an acoustic guitar duo called FwP or Free with Purchase. They weren’t selling out stadiums unless you would consider the local SJU lounge a stadium. They did play some originals – notably a song “Country Boy”, which is supposed to be happy I assume, but I believe it to be one of the most depressing songs ever. They mostly played covers. One cover I particularly liked and was one of the first covers they did was “Say It Ain’t So”. I saw FwP play this song about a dozen times and it was the same every time. To a T. Dave was under the burden of singing the main with Ed with light back-ups. About halfway through the song, Dave would be belting this song out that his face would red going to purple. He was putting it all out there and when the song hits its fevered pitch – you would literally think Dave’s head was going to explode and blood and brain matter and everything would be all over the floor. The song makes me think of them, which is a good thing. Also, an excellent song.

In the Garage

After the dramatic frenzy in the last number, this song is a part of a nice double lull vacation where one can get settled before Weezer drops the hammer on them in the last song. “In the Garage” makes me think of friends. Plain and simple. It sounds like a song that would be in the background of a montage of dudes just duding it up. Just a bunch of bros hanging. It’s a good song and it is almost ballady at moments. It’s simple and light, but its like a wonderful seasoning on great piece of fish. Is that lemon pepper on this salmon? Excellent.

Holiday

Almost sounds like it could be the last song on the album. It reminds me a lot of “No One Else” in temperament. It’s sing-songy and could have been written by the Monkees, but it has this churning electric guitar that clearly makes this a 90’s rock song. It was a typical song for this 90’s alternative rock or whatever movement. It’s electric, it’s poking fun, it’s rocking, it’s pop, but it’s not the same pop. The climax of the song culminates with distorted feedbacking guitars and them almost charging at you. It’s the pop music that was created by people who listened to what The Cars did to pop music, but also listened to angry guitars of The Ramones and The Pixies. Again, another defiance that you don’t have to be ZZ Top to rock a guitar.

Only in Dreams

Not many songs are this epic. “Stairway to Heaven” is this epic. And that’s what I’m getting at. If Weezer made the Lord of the Rings trilogy it would be this song. That’s how incredible at 8 minutes this song is. It is full of emotion and has highs and lows. It’s like climbing Everest. It’s making it to different summits and plateaus to take these breaks between this journey upwards until the zenith, which in “Only in Dreams” is an explosion of music.

What I specifically think about…

One of the greatest anime music videos ever made – “Only in Dreams” and Cowboy Bebop.

I have watched this video countless times. It still is just as great as the first time. The song never gets any less impressive. It is almost unthinkable they made a song this long and this ridiculous and this everything on their first album. It took a lot of balls. A lot of nerdy balls.

This band at one time could have been the Beatles or America’s Radiohead. I still listen to this album and feel like they could. It didn’t happen, but they certainly showed in this and Pinkerton that it was there.

So… listen to the album for hopefully the millionth time for you as well.

If this album came out today, I still think it would be one of the best albums I’ll ever hear.

Questions?

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