April Movies – Some Look Good and Some Look Suck

April 4, 2011

I had a weekend. Was it good? Was it bad? It happened. There is no denying that it actually happened. I put in the hours for Friday, Saturday and Sunday and they happened and they’re done and it is Monday. So there. I did it. I accomplished the weekend. Actually, it wasn’t too bad, but it was fairly uneventful. I saw a movie, which I’ll talk about. I watched TV. I was humbled at a driving range by some truly dickhead golfballs. More TV. I tweeted. I started watching Twin Peaks on Netflix. I then started watching The Killing on AMC and even though the show is based on a Danish show, I think that show is based on Twin Peaks, so that was weird. Twin Peaks is definitely crazier because it is David Lynch, but they are very similar shows, so similar I’ll probably stop watching The Killing or at least not care that much about watching any episodes ever.

As mentioned on Friday, I’m going to give my completely biased opinions on the movies that are coming out in April. My “bias” well I haven’t seen them, I’m white, 27, over 6 feet tall, grew up in the suburbs, I think Fight Club is the best movie ever, there is a dog sitting on my shoulders as I type this, so there are all sorts of bias I have that others don’t you know…

Super

I covered this movie Friday. Looks good. Looks like an indie Kick-Ass. I would like to see it. I’ve seen Ellen Page is making the rounds of media for this movie. She has been saying she’s a “dork”. Really? Let’s be honest, most girls are dorks. You’re clumsy, self-esteem issues, read books, dance randomly, glasses – every chick has bad vision apparently, like kids movies/TV, and so on. But that’s no big deal because girls balance that out by being the holy keepers of boobs, butts and sexy sexy want. So Ellen Page is a dork? Who cares? I think Ellen also forgot she’s rich, famous and looks pretty sexy in those superhero outfits. I forgot that I found pretty hot in X-Men 3 probably because I try to forget that X-Men 3 even happened at all in existence. Anyway, girls are dorks, but it doesn’t make them any less desirable and guys are assholes, but it doesn’t make them any less deserving to be President of the Free World every year ever.

Rubber

Didn’t see this either. But want to. I don’t have anything to say outside of that. I can’t think of a cute girl in this movie telling people she is something that should make her sound less cute, but in fact makes her sound just as cute. You know.

Source Code

Saw it.

I liked it. I liked it a bunch. I really think Duncan Jones (director) has done a great job two movies in a row taking a sci-fi classic storyline and developing it in a way that I think people who don’t like sci-fi can like it. I think Duncan has a pretty great sense of entertainment factor and not get held down by sciency science factor. Source Code is definitely a movie you can debate the ending for eternity, but if you don’t feel like it you don’t have to and it is still a fun piece of business. Inception, Sucker Punch, Source Code have a similarity to them that they are high entertainment value and they don’t rely on a last second twist. Regardless of what you think of the ending of these movies or what was “real” or that nonsense (it is all fake – it is a movie!) – the ride of the film is very well done. I’m saying this obviously in opposition to movies like Sixth Sense where I think the ride is absolutely painful and dreadful and the 5 seconds of the end are supposed to make it worthwhile. My only gripe with Source Code is the ending. I don’t want to ruin the movie for anyone, but it is a happy ending. That shouldn’t ruin anything. The happiness is a little tooooo happy. Do you remember the end of War of the Worlds where the happy ending almost required a cartoon singing blue bird on everyone’s shoulder? Well, the ending is similar in that regard. Nevertheless, good flick.

Now onto the rest of this fucking month…

Insidious

Fuck kids. Fuck these kids. Kids may freak me out. Yeah, kids freak me out. They freak me out whether they have demon eyes like the poster boy above or not. They could have regular eyes and they still freak me out. Reason being is reason. Children and that goes from the moment they’re born until they’re adults (which could be well into their 30’s) have no reason. You can’t reason with a child. Children have imaginary friends! There is no reasoning with someone who has an imaginary friend and just learned a functional amount of language a couple years earlier. They’re completely unreasonable creatures. Adults are fairly unreasonable too, so children are REALLY unreasonable. Anyway, kids freak me out… but I’m not scared of kids.

This movie Insidious is about a kid who has a demon in him or something. Oh, I don’t know what it is really about because I flip the channel anytime a commercial for this dumbass movie comes on. It was directed by one of the Saw people and those are the worst movies in movies. I grew up in a time and era when they were making Michael Myers, Jason and Freddy Kreuger movies seemingly every week, but those villains made sense. Jason and Michael were killing machines. Freddy had super powers and the knife glove and he looked disgusting. But Jigsaw from Saw? He’s a cancer patient on his death bed, so that’s stupid. Anyway, these parents are worried about their kid and his demon powers or something… well I’m not.

I’m not afraid of kids, I’m freaked out by them, but not afraid. I could beat up a kid. I could beat up a dozen kids and have a Gatorade and then be back to beating up dozens of kids again. So, some kid gets mouthy and has demon eyes and so forth – well, he better get his demon ass a machine gun because I think I can beat the shit out of that kid regardless of what weapon he brandishes. So I’m not afraid of this kid. I just looked at that poster again… man I wish that kid would start some shit with me. Get your demon ass over here, kid. Basically, don’t see this movie. Stop supporting this director and peoples.

Arthur

Nothing against Russell Brand, Helen Mirren, Jennifer Garner or anyone else involved in this movie like Luiz Guisman, but this movie looks bad. I’ve seen Arthur with Dudley Moore and I never thought I needed to see Russell Brand play him. I don’t know if it is a great privilege for Brand to play Arthur or it shows how little Hollywood has imagination wise for a Russell Brand movie career. So far he’s played himself in a couple movies. Now he’s shaved his beard and is playing another “lovable” rich British drunk. Great. Besides being rich, Brand’s Arthur seems to be like a giant manchild who has sex, which kind of creeps me out. It’s like the kid from The Toy growing up to become a pornstar, but still acting and dressing and talking like he did when he was in The Toy. The comedy scenes from the trailer seem like a mess and then there is this odd heartwarming stuff that makes me want to vomit. And what’s wrong with Jennifer Garner? As of right now, her character is tough and likes horses and she looks like exactly like Jennifer Garner, but Russell Brand finds her unattractive. Secondly, he does find women attractive because he bumps into a children’s school teacher and finds her just amazing! Probably because he is the weird manchild I was talking about before. But it’s weird because if the two of them end up together and he still acts like himself then that school teacher is kind of into fucking children if they were the size of full grown men basically Mary Kay Letourneau. So I doubt I’m seeing this. It should be easy enough to find the Dudley Moore original movie.

Hanna

I want to see this. I’m a sucker for action movies and this appears to be an action movie. The guy who directed this, Joe Wright, directed Atonement and Pride and Prejudice. I disliked both movies. But I won’t say he is a bad director. Both movies looked great and everything, but they just weren’t good movies. Nevertheless, I want to see what he does with little Saoirse Ronan and turning her into a mini-Wesley Snipes. She’s a good actress. She was the best part of Atonement and she was good in City of Ember, which was kids’ shit, but it was good kids’ shit. I definitely want to see it. I’m expecting a bunch of “oh shit!” moments from this movie as this tike of a child is going to be snapping necks and killing people. I am also dying for the climax of the movie being Saoirse beating the shit out of Cate Blanchett and vice versa. Christ, that will just be brilliant. I can’t think of anything better.

Your Highness

Are you kidding me? Of fucking course I’m seeing this movie. Guns and tanks would need to be implemented to keep me from seeing this movie. Franco and McBride are brothers and fighting ancient wizardry in medieval times and Natalie Portman is in a thong?! That has best picture written all over it. Like a million times over. Danny McBride might have to organize a second 9/11 to make me stop watching everything he is in. As for Franco, well he’s amazing. Also, the director of Pineapple Express directed this and that movie is up there with Gone with the Wind as far as cinematic achievements. They handled action way too well in Pineapple Express, so I’m looking forward to this immensely.

Atlas Shrugged Part I

[insert pic: who fucking cares?!]

I’m just mentioning this movie because it is happening and I wanted to say that I think Ayn Rand is overrated. Anyway, no one is seeing this movie, which is Part I of II for the “classic” Atlas Shrugged. I saw a couple of reviews so far and they are bloodbaths. They hated it. Either way, I don’t like Ayn Rand. I tried reading The Fountainhead a few times and was bored to tears those few times. Ugh, I get it. He’s the cutest most least understood genius architect ever. Great now can we get to a fucking storyline or meaningful dialogue or anything outside of me envisioning you pleasuring yourself with an L ruler as he sketches up a library on graph paper.

The Conspirator

I did little research on this movie. I don’t know what the fuck this is about, but it looks stupid. The poster is of Abraham Lincoln and says one bullet killed him, but not one man. Let me let you in on a little secret about the people who killed Abraham Lincoln – they’re all FUCKING DEAD! So why the hell is there a movie that takes place nowadays with a bunch of random ass actors in it? Movies with casts like this usually suck. There are a bunch of random famous people who normally shouldn’t be in a movie are in a movie together with a stupid title like The Conspirator and it is directed by idiot Robert Redford. Did anyone see Lions for Lambs? No. Good. You saved yourself money and time. This might as well be the sequel. Secondly, if this movie is not about Lincoln then having Lincoln on the poster shows how stupid this movie will be because then even the poster doesn’t make any sense. No need to see.

Rio

Well, this movie should appeal to one group of people – people that saw Ice Age.

So let’s make this easy… if you have seen all the other movies like this Ice Age, Madagascar, that surfing penguin movie… then see this movie.

If you haven’t then don’t. Or get high and do. I don’t know what to tell you people. You people getting high will do just about anything.

Scream 4

Scream is good. I’ll admit that. I know there are people who are obsessed with that movie. I understand why, but I’m not one of those people. I have seen Scream a few times and I can recognize that it was good. At the same time, it ushered in a never ending onslaught of shitty films like I Know What You Did Last Summer that I will never forgive them for. As for Scream’s sequels, well they’re the equivalent of dog shit in a cinematic form. Oh man, Scream 2 was terrible! So bad. Aunt Jackie from Roseanne was the bad guy. That’s nuts. That is just as stupid as any ending from the spoof series Scary Movie could have came up with. Scream 3 was just unnecessary. Now here is Scream 4. They’re trying to relive the magic of the first it seems. It seems more like a copy cat almost re-envisioning of the first. I’m not sure how that will go for them. I doubt it will be as good as the first. Scream 4 feels like it is the Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back for Scream fans. If you’re one of them then why not. If you’re not then…

Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family

Do black people really like Tyler Perry? I don’t think I’ve ever conversed with a black person that likes Tyler Perry and if I have then I was not cognizant of it. I really don’t know how Tyler Perry is appealing to black people minus the fact that his movies are filled with black people. I feel like it is that simple. But that kind of goes the same for a lot of white things I never watched like Touched by an Angel. Oh man, if I watched a second of that show then it was too much. Or really anything on those PAX or “family channels”. Those shows are from a different universe. I guess Tyler Perry is the black equivalent of them and at the same time he is in drag and I’ll never understand that either. Anything with “Tyler Perry” in it is completely and utterly not for me, and I get that. It may be for you. So I will not be seeing this ever. But if you like Tyler Perry movies then have fun… also how are you reading this blog? I feel like there is no cross section in any parallel dimension where people who regularly watch Tyler Perry movies and people who find me funny exist as one.

Water for Elephants

Oh is Rob Pattinson in this one? I had no idea. I mean I think I should have heard about this because my twitter feed is filled with “WFE” updates and Norm MacDonald. But I followed Norm on purpose. I didn’t know I was following the official “WFE” fan base. I never read Water for Elephants – shocking I know. From the trailers, “elephants” is not a metaphor and there are real elephants in the movie. From the trailer, again, the movie is being sold as Titanic, but with elephants. Chris Waltz is Billy Zane. Reese Witherspoon is Kate Winslet. Robbie is Leo. And the Titanic is the circus. And the fire that happens at the circus is the Titanic sinking. Oh wait… spoilers! Hahahahahah… I think that’s what happens because they say that within the first 30 seconds of the trailer. Outside of that, I’ll never see this movie. Why? Well, it is pure girl shit. I mean shit for girls. If you’re not masturbating about Robert Pattinson then why see the movie? Who sees Reese Witherspoon movies? No one. That’s why her career has fallen pretty dramatically and from what I can tell with the “WFE” updates – you all hate Reese. And if you really loved Chris Waltz in Inglorious Basterds then you wouldn’t be caught dead seeing this cheesy romance movie. So back to the used tissues and Rob Pattinson. If you find yourself rubbing one out on at the very least every 48 hour basis then you should see this movie because I’m sure he has many great scenes where he looks at something without saying anything. Those were my favorite scenes in Twilight. What’s that over there in the distance, Rob? I don’t know, but I think you should get all doe eyed for 120 seconds and look at it memorizing every detail of it. Ok? And action!

Prom

No clue. Is this a horror movie? Most movies that have this name or look turn out to be horror movies, but this appears to be just a movie about a girl going to a prom… so… let’s pretend this movie was never made. Oh man, you wouldn’t need to shove bamboo chutes up my fingernails. Just play a movie about a girl going to prom and I’ll crack. She just goes to prom?! I’ll talk! I’ll tell you everything!

Fast Five

And yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I literally see no reason for them to ever stop making Fast and the Furious sequels. What would motivate them to stop? What are the similarities between these movies? A line-up of actors who can barely get any acting work outside of these movies and at some point they need to get into cars. That’s about it. Plus you only need like one of them to show up in the movie to make it one of the series. Actually even less than that. The first movie was the first movie obviously and there was not precedent. The second movie only had Paul Walker in it and it was completely different location and storyline. The third movie was in Japan and had no main characters that were the same and the storyline was absolutely different. The fourth one couldn’t have been any different from the previous three, but it did have many of the characters from the first one. Now this is the 5th one and it has characters from all the previous ones and the storyline is like an even more outrageous version of the 4th one even though that was pretty fucking outrageous on its own. Oh yeah… and

THE ROCK!

That’s kind of reason enough to see it.

I really hope they keep making these movies. For some reason, I end up seeing them at some point in my life. I don’t know why because I don’t like them, but I’ve seen them all. So I think they should just keep going. There have been over 20 James Bond movies with no stop there, so keep making these. Who cares? What could the 6th Fast movie be about? Anything! It could take place in the future with hover cars and the 7th could be a prequel and be about high school kids stealing cars. What’s stopping them?

Those are the April movies with some indie films thrown in the mix.

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11 Responses to “April Movies – Some Look Good and Some Look Suck”

  1. PWG said

    Someday you might have children, and while you’d like to think now that those small, very white, UFC-loving mini-Jesuit philosophers will have good cinematic taste, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

    They will prefer Star Wars 1-3. They will listen to Dora the Explorer repetitively SCREAM HER FUCKING HEAD OFF for 30 minutes at a time. They will laugh their fool asses off at The Doodlebobs or some shit like it. And they will drag you to trash like Hop, which I was forced to see this weekend. I’m not reviewing it, it was as bad as you’d expect, as long as you were expecting David Hasselhoff in a really bad extended cameo.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I forgot about “Hop”, that’s how angry the trailers for that movie make me.

    • PWG said

      I just realized I implied your hypothetical children would be super white as if you wouldn’t be procreating with anyone outside of the Nicole Kidman skintone range. I only meant to imply you’d have to nail a literal outer space black hole for your children to be anything even approaching cafe au lait.

    • There was a time in my life where I would’ve been excited for a David Hasselhoff cameo. Probably about the same time I would’ve been okay with seeing Hop. Knight Rider was the shit.

      • PWG said

        In the movie someone asks him why he’s not surprised to see a rabbit play the drums. He says, “My best friend is a talking car.” Pretty sure the writers won’t be thanking the Academy this year.

        And I swear, if I hear Hank Azaria do his Luis Guzman accent one more time, my latent firestarter talents are going to snap to life. The rabbits have posh British accents. They’re all on Rapa Nui, so those accents totally make sense, gah.

  2. PWG said

    Hanna and Fast Five, those are the only two I’ll probably see.

    I did read Water for Elephants, and I liked it well enough, but my favorite part was old Jacob Jankowski and I have a feeling the movie’s going to concentrate more on the younger version for obvious reasons. No one’s lining up to fuck Hal Holbrook; he didn’t even make your Men Over 60 list. Camera time is going to the hot, young, less interesting version of the character. I’m not above seeing a below-par movie just because I like the actors or director, but I’m underwhelmed by the trailers so far.

    The trailer for Hanna looks great. I’m also hoping it comes down to an extended fight between Saoirse and Cate. Has Cate ever had a good, dramatic villain death scene? She’ll nail that. Stabbed or decapitated by something “unexpectedly,” falling off a building in slo-mo like Hans Gruber, whatever, I’ll take it.

    Fast Five I have no excuse for. I just love those movies for no reason. I think Paul Walker is the worst actor since Keanu Reeves. Doesn’t matter. Maybe I just like car chases. No, that can’t be it, I didn’t see the Dukes of Hazzard movie. Maybe Vin Diesel’s voice?

    • PWG said

      Oh sorry, I forgot Blanchett’s Boris and Natasha Russian in the Indiana Jones movie. Now I really want to see her die again, just for being in that awful mess. Although imagining Shia LaBeouf in his Wild One getup makes me laugh so goddamn hard it was almost worth paying to see it.

  3. I’m most excited for Your Highness, with Super and Hanna being second and third. My goal before seeing Hanna is to remember how to pronounce the name “Saoirse”.

    I’m not going to lie: I’ve laughed at some of the previews for Arthur. It looks terrible and I won’t see it, but I have laughed.

    I can think of reasons they shouldn’t continue making movies for The Fast and the Furious franchise: they could use that money to make more Step Up’s and/or Stomp the Yard’s. Come on, now…

    Though I do love the plot keywords for Fast Five on IMDb: Fifth Part, IMAX Version, Sequel, Number In Title. There’s just so much substance to that plot…

  4. IvyRosier said

    Inception, Sucker Punch, Sorce code I have only seen last night and instantaneously fell for Inception ,hated Sucker Punch and was dissapointed with the ending of the Source Code. From the line up of april movies I may see Ruber- I often feel like being stalked by inanimate objects.

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