The History of NASA Futzing Around in Space

April 7, 2011

NASA pretty much is space. I’m not sure anyone would be able to disagree on that. Sure, there are other countries in space, but I would guess 99.99999999999999% of what we know about what’s in space is from the good ole’ US of A’s NASA program. It’s really an insane program or group or initiative or whatever it is. I mean they laid claim to the Moon for the United States. That may have been the most peaceful taking of land ever and not only land, but an entire land entity akin to a planet that circles Earth way above in the sky known as space. Can you think of another country that owns land anywhere else in the vast expanse of space? I can’t. USA has the damn Moon. It’s ours! And ever since we landed on the thing we’ve talked about putting hotels up there for tourists to visit. Space hotels!

I think I’m getting ahead of myself. Landing on the Moon and laying claim to it with a flag like a cartoon Christopher Columbus is one of many accomplishments that NASA has… accomplished. I was looking through and looking at a picture gallery with all the many patches they have had for all the many incredible projects they have attempted. Some were more successful than others, but it showed what a rich and diverse set of moments in history NASA has been apart of or have tried to and failed.

NASA has done so much more than send a rocket into space and land on the Moon. They’ve tried to achieve so much more. And after looking at these patches, they also tried to do most of these missions crazy high. That’s right, high. NASA smokes space weed. I’ll get to that later, but it becomes readily apparent as one views the patches. That shiz gets you F’d up. I hope after you finish reading this, you see that NASA is a special group of people who are dreamers, adventurers, and crazy high. Precautionary tale high.


Well, here is the start of it. As you can see plainly, NASA sent the great Eagle to the Moon to secure the space weed with its mighty talons. It is right there on the patch. I mean what else could it be. It was a 100% successful mission. See, NASA has big ass Eagles. I have to write Eagle with a capital E because they’re so badass they fly into space and grab the weed that grows on the Moon. Anyway, the Eagles are very similar to the deux ex machina Eagles in Lord of the Rings. Hey Gandalf, how the fuck are you going to get off that tower before Saruman kills you? Oh don’t worry, there are some big ass Eagles that haven’t been mentioned nor will ever be explained over the course of these 3 films that are going to come swoop in and save me and then they’re going to take a detour over to NASA and get their mission pack and some Gatorade and then fly off to the Moon to get us some of that stick icky that grows in space!


This is not the first or last of a long list of unsuccessful missions involving a magic pirate ship in space. I’m not sure of who it was in particular, but some big wig in NASA loved old wooden ships with big sails and so forth. He was one of those whackos who makes them in bottles. There is more likely of a chance you’ll get struck by lightning than ever meet someone whose hobby it is to make ships in bottles. Anyway, they got it in their head they could send one of these ships out into space and propel it by magic and rockets. Most of these horribly unsuccessful missions had the theory if we could just get it up there then everything should be fine. Well, it never was fine. A lot of money lost and a lot of lives cut short by the alluring idea of a pirate ship in space.


This was the surprisingly successful skywriting campaign of Mercury 6 where they wrote “friendship 7” over United States. It was more or less a gross misuse of power for one of the NASA pilots to help his daughter win a contest in her Elementary school. Who could make the biggest show of “friendship”? Well, Astronaut Glenn clearly took to this literally and decided that this would be a great decision to write the word “friendship 7” over the continental United States. The 7 was never explained and remains a mystery to this day, but that little girl won that damn contest. A few of the other parents tried to get her disqualified for not having done the majority of the project herself, but NASA knew better than that. That’s why Glenn’s daughter was specially made an honorary astronaut that day and flew part of the mission with her father. Was it dangerous to have a 10 year old fly a space ship? Sure was, but you should’ve seen the smile on her face.


This was an unsuccessful mission. Very unsuccessful mission. It had little promise to be successful, but there was great enthusiasm for the project even though there was absolutely no scientific research to back up the claim that this could be accomplished. NASA developed a giant vacuum and was going to suck the state of Florida into it wiping it off the map entirely. Clearly, it did not work, but they did try.


This mission was code named “Let’s Get the Fuck Out of Here There is a Comet Going to Destroy Earth!” There hasn’t been a comet to destroy Earth, but NASA ran some field ops to see if they were ready to get everyone up and out of the office and into a spaceship and off the planet if they were given only 10 minutes notification. It was a rush job every time plain and simple and that’s why they are flying with all the doors open on the space ship. Just get off the planet before that comet we didn’t notice until the last minute comes hurtling towards Earth and kills us all.


This was a great day. Just a truly great day. There’s no video tape to support the claims, but the men and women involved in the mission believe without a shadow of a doubt that it happened and happened perfectly. NASA successfully launched 3 mythical golden horses into space and sent them to the Moon. To be perfectly honest, they pretty much were having a space weed Olympics that morning and no one knows for sure what happened that afternoon, evening, and into the next morning. But when you talk to those NASA engineers, the tears in their eyes when they talk about those golden horses and them galloping in space. How can you not believe?!


This was kind of a weekend project that was more of a morale booster than anything else. Do you remember the 1983 movie WarGames? Well, pretty much everyone in NASA saw it the opening weekend and was just in love with it. Who wasn’t? It was a great movie featuring a young Matthew Broderick. There was just a lot of negative Nancy-ing going on in the NASA offices that year, but everyone was really rallying behind how much they enjoyed WarGames, so NASA put on a stage production of WarGames. It ran for 16 weeks and was loved by critics. It was nominated for several Tony awards, but didn’t win any. All those awards shows are politics anyway.


One of the most successful NASA missions that did not involve physically going into space. It was a design contest for the right bowl to be used to smoke the space weed. This was the design that won and the winner got an all expense paid trip to Seoul, South Korea where they got to debut the space weed chillum and smoke it with the Koreans. They all got high as fuck. I think you can guess that much.


Following the success of the official space weed pipe creating contest, NASA developed a vaporizer for the space weed. It was called “First Spacewalk” because when you take a hit off this vaporizer you’re so high you feel like you’re walking in space. So, that was insanely successful. Being the NASA employees they are it is more or less official policy if you’re hitting the space weed vaporizer that you have to wear the space suit. Plus you usually fall and bump into things that’s how high you get.


Another pirate ship idea, but this one is a little different – the concept was to build a big ass pirate ship and launch a space shuttle from the back of it. It failed miserably in every stage of this project. All of these people were fired once the project was given up on.


This is the commemorative badge regarding the first time NASA had its astronauts drop acid in space. It really wasn’t a logistical mission. They just got up there, put everything on auto-pilot, set the in-flight cameras to record and then they dropped acid. From the reports, it was equally the greatest and worst experience of their lives.


NASA made about the biggest space weed vaporizer you can imagine, set it into space and had the astronauts “spacewalk” while actually space walking. This project was kind of the beginning of there are no limits to what NASA will do with the space weed in space. It was like the “Cape of Good Hope”, but in space. Some feared spacewalking while spacewalking would lead to the time space continuum collapsing on itself. Others just thought you would get crazy high. The latter were correct. From there, there was no stopping NASA’s imagination.


Immediately following the previous mission, NASA installed a permanent giant chillum in space for astronauts or aliens to come and smoke their giant space weed peace pipe in space. It gets you fucked up.


This is just a space shuttle patch, but I just wanted to put this in here because I think it is very phallic and was curious what the rest of you thought. Phallic? I feel like NASA is telling us they have big dicks because they shoot rockets and been on the Moon and send Eagles to retrieve space weed and no one else does anything like this stuff.


Yes, there is magic. And yes, NASA has it. This patch was really a how far can we go on a half rocket, half magic run space shuttle. It went just as far as what they were doing already. So it was successful. Rocket fuel is pretty damn combustible and magic is as well. They’re about the same.


This was another big morale booster mission for the NASA people. They flew with the Autobots in space. That was really the long and short of it. It is like the equivalent of a celebrity basketball game, the NASA crew got to work on a space flight mission where they would get to race an Autobot. The good guy Transformer won, but everyone had a good time and it really made everyone’s month. Following the mission there was all you can eat buffet at the nearest Red Lobster as well as an open bar. Transformers, space races, shrimp scampi and a few rum and cokes, what more can a NASA worker ask for?


Arguably, the least successful mission in NASA history. Another damn pirate ship mission. This time the idea was to create the universes biggest space ship/pirate ship amusement park ride in space. Besides the building of hotels and so forth on the Moon, there became the idea of other tourist traps that could be created in space. The idea began circulating to build an amusement park in space. Then the pirate ship came into it. Pirate ships are usually involved in amusement parks and so are space ships. You know those rides where you get on one of them and it swings up the one way and then comes back the other way like an upside down metronome? Well, that was the plan. In no way was there ever a successful moment of this venture – about the only thing that actually worked was the sewing of this patch. It was a very divisive and many were fired and many quit over it.


Pretty simple task – get more space weed. Send the Eagle, send an empty space shuttle. Fill that shit up with as much as you can carry and bring it home to daddy. That’s about it. It went swimmingly. Those Eagles have a nose for that weed and they just led the ship straight there. Kind of became a regular part of the NASA budget were these types of missions.


It was only for a weekend, but NASA did take the Statue of Liberty into space. It was a prank on then New York City Mayor Ed Koch. No one is exactly certain why they did it, but they did. It worked. Just shot a rocket into space, cables were attached to it and the Statue of Liberty, hauled it up into space, let the Statue of Liberty free, took a couple victory laps around the Earth, took a few pictures, hitched up the Statue of Liberty to the ship and brought her home – no harm no foul. Pranks.


This was the last of the pirate ship missions. After this, that NASA big wig was forced to retire. His dream was never realized. Over a dozen of unsuccessful missions involving a wooden ship fueled by magic and rockets being sent into space to sail around the planets in the solar system. It was always a pipe dream. There is literally an untold amount of billions of dollars spent on making this a reality. It never worked. They tried. Oh boy did they try, but it never worked. They told him they would put the idea on a back burner, but he died of heart failure several years into his retirement. He never got to see his dream come true. His boy hood fantasy of an actual ship sailing through the uncharted dark waters of space. Kind of breaks your heart.


“Hands Across America”. Huge success. Wasn’t really all that difficult.


To put it simply, yes there are aliens. Every so often we meet up with the aliens in space and beam them TV and movies and porn and the like. They’re an advanced species, a much more advanced species, but they have no entertainment. They have laser cannons that can blow a hole through the Earth the size of Texas, but they have no sitcoms or hour long dramas or porn. They love porn, but who doesn’t? Anyway, it keeps them from killing our civilization. They were big fans of Arrested Development and almost killed us all over the cancelling of it. But we assured them there would be a movie made eventually. Hopefully, Hurwtiz et al can pull that off for the survival of the human existence.


Phallic right? I’m not the only seeing this right? It just looks really phallic to me.


Finally, this is our secret space marines patch. Pretty much if you’re an alien and you see this patch it means your alien ass. They are a blood thirsty bunch. Outside of those aliens we give porn to, we’re kind of the smartest bunch of living things in the universe and we kind of are big dick bullies just kicking around aliens on other planets. No surprise. We kind of rule.

Anyway, thank you NASA for all that you’ve done and that you continue to do.

I hope this gave you a greater appreciation for the men and women of our NASA community.

Any questions for Friday?


5 Responses to “The History of NASA Futzing Around in Space”

  1. One of those pirate ship missions damn well better have been named The Diversity.

    I didn’t realize NASA had Scout-like badges. Did they sell cookies, too? I wonder if they earned additional mission-specific badges like Archery, Bugling and Leatherwork that they wore on a sash over their space suits…

  2. Amy D said

    “Hands Across America” – thanks. I immediately got that stupid song in my head.

    Hands across America, hands across this land I love. United we stand, divided we fall… Hands across America….


  3. cledbo said

    I’m interested to know which of these patches corresponds to space missions where something interesting actually happened (read: something blew up and probably someone died). Like, which one was for Challenger in the 80s? How high were they to screw that up so badly?

    Don’t forget the Moon landing pictures everyone sees everywhere were broadcast from AUSTRALIA. Aussie Aussie Aussie. Oi oi oi. Mr Cledbo and I took a little daytrip up into the mountains near Canberra to see one of the bases which monitored the mission from Down Under* (add “”s to make it a that’s what she said). It was cold, isolated, and wet – so almost like the Moon, but actually kind of worse.

    I favour R. A. Heinlein’s idea that rather than making the Moon a tourist destination, we should make it a penal colony. If anyone fucks around you just throw them out an airlock – a better idea than sending them to a tropical paradise like, say, Australia.

  4. cledbo said

    I have a question for Friday – lurkers, why aren’t you commenting? You do realise that KSWI only exists through the love/pestering provided by common-taters of which you can be one? Jordo can’t survive without comments! They’re like food and air to him. He doesn’t even get paid to do this! Madness!!

    Sheer madness.

  5. PWG said

    I morked all day yesterday, and then some. I am genuinely distressed that I haven’t been able to finish reading my space-themed post. It’s like my own personal brand of . . . I’ll just stop now.

    I’m coming back though, later when no one will ever come back and read the Thursday comments. I can say anything I want! Freedom! Freedom from all the self-censoring I never do anyway. This is a bookmark.

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