Would You F@#k This Mustache and All of its Baggage?

April 11, 2011

Hellooooooo Monday.

I had an inspiring weekend and by that I mean I had a weekend and I needed an adjective in front of it and I chose “inspiring” instead something like “red”. I had a red weekend. A weekend of red everywhere and everything that red does. I saw Your Highness over the weekend, which judging from the box office returns – I am apart of an elite group that could all get together and talk about the movie at a local Olive Garden. I found the movie to be funny. It wasn’t as funny as anything else this crew of men have put out (Pineapple Express, Eastbound & Down et cetera), but it did generate laughter from my mouth, lungs, tummy, and bowels.

Apparently, the only people who went to see movies in droves were unfortunate parents seeing Hop. The rest did quite poorly. Arthur did poorly, which makes me smile because that movie looks terrible and why on Earth did we need an Arthur remake? Hanna not doing well also makes me smile because director Joe Wright is an asshole. That’s correct Joe Wright is an asshole. Joe Wright said in an interview he thought Sucker Punch was sexist and he hadn’t seen the movie yet. Way to go, Joe! Talk about professional courtesy in trashing a fellow director’s work without even viewing it. Well done, well done indeed. At best, Hanna looks like it is better than I Am Number Four and that’s about all I think of Joe Wright anyway. I thought Atonement was a grand waste of 2 hours of my life.



We all know what they are and we all love them, so let’s get to the talk about fucking them.

Over the weekend, I was perusing IMDB for whatever it is that keeps me visiting that site every other hour of every day. They were promoting a gallery – a gallery of men – a gallery of men and their moose-staches. Yay-z! Yay-z indeed.

I clicked through this gallery and I found something quite different than just men and their moose-stach-chezes. I found a variety of mustaches and with each mustache style I believe we were seeing a bit into the sexual psyche of these men. What do these mustaches like to do in terms of sex? A mustache is more than hair above the lip! It is a lifestyle! A sex style! It is a sexual proclivity and a sexual identity!


The following will happen. I will post the mustache. I will talk about said mustache. I will hope you are asking yourself the question – would I have sex with this mustache? And finally, I will post the owner of said mustache. I expect horrifying results. I’m excited.


Let us begin!


Hello there, mustache.

First impression, sinister. This is a villain’s mustache. I cannot picture this mustache donating to charity or rescuing children from a burning building. It is most certainly a dastardly mustache. It not only roots for bad guys, it has helped them rig whatever competition in their favor. It looks like it could grease up pretty quickly as well. I feel like the owner of said mustache is constantly running his evil fingers over this thatch of hair saturating it with his finger grease.

This mustache is a pervert. This mustache is self-ish. I fear that having sex with this mustache will compromise your own integrity. You may find yourself very quickly playing a role in some weird fetish game. I am picturing some bondage and sadomasochism. Just some general BDSM work. A riding crop would most certainly be apart of this mustache’s regular sex life. I believe this mustache is a big proponent in “horse play” much like the play Equus.

Who is the man living behind this mustache?


Michael Sheen! You may remember him from such films as The Queen and the vampire series Underworld. He also was a re-occurring character on 30 Rock as a love interest for Tina Fey. He is British and I fully believe everything I just said about him is 100% accurate.

Up next!


Buenas dias, mustache.

This mustache looks like a turn of the century business man’s mustache. This mustache would have been found on nearly every man’s face during The Great Gatsby. It also has a pinch of the West. I feel the West from this mustache. I sense this mustache has traveled and seen the desert. It is a mustache of industry. It is there, but is it really? It is light and just a smattering of hair. It is a hint of mustache. This mustache is revealing to us that this man is gentlemanly, but he is also a stone cold crazy killer underneath and this mustache is simply the tip of the iceberg. This mustache is adventurous. This mustache is open to flights of fancy and has the means to indulge himself in them. This mustache would be acceptable at any dinner table at any time period in all of civilization. I am a prototypical man is what this mustache is saying.

Because of this, this mustache will ditch you. This mustache will grow tired of you because this mustache needs to conquest and mingle with other cultures and worldly pleasures. This mustache has no time for one day and one life. This mustache is timeless and boundary-less. This mustache is on a one way trip to experiencing everything life has to offer and that means other lovers. Boat loads of them. They would need a giant fleet of giant boats to hold all the lovers this mustache has and will have. This mustache sees you as another notch in its belt, another page of its mustache diary and will move on towards another in just as quickly as he came into your life and came all over your bed spread.

Who is the man living behind this mustache?


Brad Pitt! An excellent actor from such excellent films as Fight Club, Snatch, Se7en, Legends of the Fall, 12 Monkeys, Inglorious Basterds, True Romance and so on. I believe 100% of what I just said is true.

Up next!


Guten tag, mustache.

Serious. This mustache is very serious. There is absolutely no humor in this mustache. It is like a razor. It is cold, unemotional like a steel robot and it’s edges will bite you and draw blood. It is not a mustache to mess with. It is calculating. It is not a mustache that jokes or has moments of levity. It is a mustache that drinks in a dimly lit room with a roaring fire while its piercing gaze keeps you constantly guessing whether or not it will snare a hot poker and sear you with it or will it just pull out its own poker and … poke you with it. This mustache has rough sex. Rough like its grizzly touch. This mustache does not feel like smooth hair rubbing against your bare soft thighs. It feels like little pins or spider legs dancing on tip toes in these sensitive defenseless areas.

Sex would be on this mustache’s time. And sex would operate exactly how this mustache pictures it in his head. For this mustache, sex is not the sensation, but more the act and visual follow-thru of accomplishing what he has been mentally frothing over all day. This mustache will require a mirror. This mustache will want to watch. Not only watch to make sure every position and limb and thrust is in exact perfect detail in accordance to its own sexual architecture in its head, but it will want to watch you fucking some other mustache. In a leather chair, sipping an expensive whiskey burn, staring at you being manipulated by a stranger, driving himself mad with delight and the fire in his throat and belly and crotch shows in his eyes in the darkness of the room.

Who is the man living behind this mustache?


Daniel Craig! A great actor who is most famous for playing the role of James Bond in the past two Bond films Casino Royale and Quantum of Solace. He also was the main character in a great British gangster film Layer Cake. I believe I am 100% correct in my assessments.


Bonjour, mustache.


This mustache is a furry caterpillar of orgies. It is a thick forest of hair full of traps and mysteries. It is wild. It is a wilderness of excess. Only the owner of this mustache knows his way through this dense labyrinth as he is the one who controls the action. That action is multiple lovers. Multiples of multiple. There are so many regular working lovers in this mustache’s bedroom that they could unionize. This mustache is never satisfied. More and more and more. If there are 3 girls – mustache wants 5. If there are 5 girls – mustache wants 8. If there are 8 girls – mustache wants 13. And 21 and 34 and 55 and so on until this mustache has had orgies of all the Fibonacci numbers.


All women are a potential orgy candidate. That girl at the bar in the sheer cocktail dress even though it is winter and she has no jacket and she’s freezing – orgy candidate. That girl bartender whose neck line is so low for an instant you want to give her her tip in quarters and try to shoot them between her cleavage – orgy candidate. But not just strangers at a bar. Your cousin – orgy candidate. Your sister – orgy candidate. The old woman who does the manicures around the corner – orgy candidate. The local inter-mural softball league champions – orgy candidates.  The local inter-mural softball league runner-ups and all the other teams that didn’t even make the playoffs – orgy candidates.


Who is the man living behind this mustache?


Robert Redford! So many classic films like The Natural and Jeremiah Johnson and Spy Game. Just a wealth of great movies and simply a world flatteningily amazing neckerchief in this picture. I believe 100% in what I just said.

Up next!


Moshi moshi, mustache.



Orgies. Orgies, but this mustache is more manicured and well taken care of than the previous. The last was a mustache of masculinity. It was a mustache of sheer heterosexualism that it did not need to comb, wax, primp. It was a mustache never meant for a suit. But this! This mustache is a silken caterpillar. This mustache feeds on all of life’s sexual creatures and desires. This mustache is an enigma. It is pronounced and full and daring. But it is also groomed and a purveyor of the arts and beauty. And by “arts and beauty” I mean tongues in buttholes and in and around both sets of genitalia. This mustache seeks a new sexual plateau. No comfort in one brand of sex. No comfort in one idea of sex. No comfort in where sex is now. This mustache wants to be on the forefront of sex. Discovering sex on different planets. The first mustache to have sex with 2 men and 2 women while 6 men and 6 women have sex with each other while watching them have sex while on top of the Rocky Mountains.

This mustache wants to to be the Wright Brothers of sex. The first in flight… and then to have sex with the Wright Brothers while they’re on that rickety paper airplane. The first to have a 15-some in space. The first to circumnavigate the globe while cumming. The boldness of this mustache plus the time spent on washing and caressing this mustache is a mustache with vision and an insatiable taste for touch. This mustache wants an entire nation of nakedities at its knees reaching up and stroking its individual hairs until they are perfectly aligned in its thick madness.

Who is the man living behind this mustache?


Robert Downey Jr! A wonderful actor who has given fine performances in films ranging from Chaplin to Sherlock Holmes. Comedy to drama to action – there is nothing that RDJ cannot handle and handle well. I 100% believe everything I just said to be true.

Up next!


Ego vos amo, mustache.


That is absolutely the first thing that comes to my mind when seeing this mustache. I wouldn’t trust my back turned to this mustache for a million dollars. As soon as I let my guard down, this mustache will stick something in my butt. This mustache is devious. This mustache takes pleasure from the devious. It is an outlaw mustache and a mustache that inspires a fear in the breaking of social norms. All mores will be destroyed! To me, that says butts. Generally, butt stuff is the stuff that people are worried about. I cannot speak for gay men (although how funny would it be if I did), so I’m not sure how hesitant you are with jamming things up your butt. I’m not sure if you save the butt for something more than just casual or if you find your anus magnetically attracted to other men’s penises and they just go right up in there. I’m not sure. But from the man with a woman perspective, the butt stuff is a threshold that is usually crossed with a lot of consideration. Usually. Except for this mustache. This mustache attacks the butt.

This mustache provokes. This mustache is trying to see how much it can get away with and then continuing past that. This mustache is mischievous and in bed that means butt stuff. This mustache might lull you into a false sense of security. Oh my mustache hands are just feeling your butt. They’re just feeling your ass crack. They’re just feeling your balls and/or the southern most region of your vagina. It’s nothing to be alarmed about. It’s just that my mustache hands… ARE NOW IN YOUR BUTT! I’ve teleported and now my mustache penis is in your butt as well. And it has been for 5 minutes.

Basically, this mustache is always taking it a step further. Originally, you were supposed to just make out with this mustache, but now you’re blowing this mustache and you’re unsure how you were Jedi mind tricked into doing it. Originally, you were supposed to be giving this mustache a handie while he had his mustache hands down your pants, but now you’re having butt sex in the parking lot and you’re pretty sure the high school kids coming out of the movie theater across the street are waving at you.

Who is the man living behind this mustache?


James Franco! The young burgeoning actor of both dramatic and comedic films alike. Great films like Pineapple Express and 127 Hours. He is also well known for his collegiate endeavors at Columbia and NYU and seemingly everywhere. I 100% believe everything I just said to be true.

Up next!


Jó napot, mustache.

Gay biker. That’s what I’m getting out of this. My immediate reaction is that this mustache rides motorcycles and when it arrives at a rest area on the highway it puts gas in its tank, food in its belly and another man’s tongue in its mouth. Or penis. My second reaction to this mustache is gay trucker. Similar, but different to the gay biker idea. This mustache drives trucks, big rigs, and when it arrives at a weigh-in station it goes through the appropriate measures of being properly weighed for regulatory purposes and it also finds an attractive male suitor to have sex with in a bathroom, woods or in the sleeping cabin of either his truck or the other gay trucker’s truck.

This mustache had a career in the porn industry from 1972 – 1982 when a coke addiction led him to the edge and eventually into a different career where coke is not as prevalent. This mustache led a carefree lifestyle of vices and excess. At this point, this mustache is really all that remains now. The mustache took it too far and now lives a life of random gay acquisitions like at these gas stations or truck stops. It is simpler now. This mustache grew beyond its means as clearly shown in it being well past the lips and grown straight to the chin. This mustache is a badge of honor, a society ring, a membership card to the wildness of what it has known and continues to take a little taste of now and then.

Who is the man living behind this mustache?


John Travolta! World famous actor from such famous films as Saturday Night Fever and Face/Off and Wild Hogs. Mine and many other’s favorite performance of his was as gangster Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction. I 100% believe in everything I just said in the above.

Up next!


Dobra večer, mustache.

Toys. This mustache is a sign of wealth and prominence. And it is a sign of a well practiced anal beads user. An anal beads aficionado, if you will. In all secret agent action movies, there is the scene where the hero opens up a closet or a suitcase and inside in perfect arrangement are guns, knives, ammo clips, and all sorts of weapons of death. This mustache has the same, but with dildos, vibrators, cock rings, and all sort of weapons of penetration. Can’t you just imagine this mustache saying “lube”? Lube. The mustache a thick hairy highlight forming the one and soul piercing word – lube. Lube. Just see it with your mind’s eye. LUBE!

This mustache is knowledgeable. This mustache is a mechanic and you and your awaiting orifices are a classic 1953 Corvette. This mustache is going to oil you with lube and mustache juices. This mustache is going to choose all the right tools to slide and maneuver into all the right areas of your body. This mustache wants to tie you down blindfolded and place a back massager on your pulsating genitals while he lightly tickles yours ribcage with a peacock feather while the wet with sex sweat mustache and tongue leaves slug trails on your trembling collar bone while your audible senses are drowned in calypso music and all you can smell are strawberry aroma therapy candles. This mustache is a sex artist and you are his masterpiece.

Who is the man living behind this mustache?


Clive Owen! Excellent actor. Most notable films are in the genre of action and drama. I am in particular an enormous fan of the movie Closer, which is a film adaptation of a play, which Clive was also in except he played the role that Jude Laws plays. I fully believe everything I said previously to be 100% accurate.

Up next!


Seu beijo é cabeluda, mustache.

This mustache is an animal. It is a dog. It is a blood hound. It is a tracker. It tracks? Your nether regions. It finds a home in your pants. This mustache burrows into your lap with purpose and dexterity and with affection. This mustache has a destiny and that is to soak itself in your genital juices. It is an orgasm mop. Look at it. Square in the center. It will kiss you bellow the belt line. It will wrap its mustache around your throbbing mess like a bear hug. It will wear your sex organ like a wool sweater. It will be relentless. It will be undeterred. It will take moments for Gatorade rehydration to then continue on its quest to propel its victim into a blissful oral world that has no ending.

This myriad of mustache hairs are thousands of antennae tracing and reading every inch of your under carriage. It is devising new strategies on the fly to thoroughly dominate every cell and cause even individual mitochondria to splooge. Your crotch will become water logged with this mustache’s saliva. It will have its mustache mail redirected to your g-spot. It will open timeshares to rent in your crevices. This mustache is on a mission to prove there is no other in this sport of cunnilingus or blow jays. It is only he. This mustache is the champion.

Who is the man living behind this mustache?


Jason Schwartzmen! One of my favorite comedic actors. He has appeared in some of my most beloved films like Rushmore and I Heart Huckabees. I am also a huge fan of his TV show Bored to Death. I am a big fan of The Darjeeling Limited and I’m not sure why people don’t talk about it enough. Lastly, I fully believe everything I’ve said is thoroughly correct in all areas.

That is the end of the gallery.

I would like to leave you with one more mustache that may lead you on a different path of insanity…

Just imagine the possibilities!


Strikeforce referee Mike Beltran.

You’re welcome.


13 Responses to “Would You F@#k This Mustache and All of its Baggage?”

  1. PWG said

    And by “arts and beauty” I mean tongues in buttholes

    Well that startled me.

  2. PWG said

    My first kiss was with a 16-year old gentleman who had a mustache. Moustache, if you prefer. It smelled like the spaghetti our high school served for lunch that day. Probably for that reason alone, I don’t like the lip hair that’s crept beyond “stubble.”

    James Franco’s looks like some of those hairs are trying to become dental floss. If you don’t cut a mustache, could you just let it grow straight down until it comes a beard too? Or do only the side parts grow and grow forever?

    I only recognized John Travolta’s before the full picture jump. I thought the first one was Alfred Molina, but good Lord is Michael Sheen’s nose disturbing.

  3. PWG said

    This mustache wants to tie you down blindfolded and place a back massager on your pulsating genitals while he lightly tickles yours ribcage with a peacock feather while the wet with sex sweat mustache and tongue leaves slug trails on your trembling collar bone while your audible senses are drowned in calypso music and all you can smell are strawberry aroma therapy candles.

    Wow, I never imagined a scenario where I wouldn’t be attracted to Clive Owen before, but here it is. You’re not getting a “thank you” for that. How about a “fuck you” for that. Clive was my go-to guy. Now he’s all mixed up with sweaty strawberry-smelling or -flavored slugs. May I offer up a second hearty fuck you for that. Gak. It started off fine. Fucking calypso music.

  4. PWG said

    I like the tone shift between Willem Dafoe as Bobby Peru in Wild at Heart reading “letters to Penthouse” descriptions of the mustaches’ . . . interests,

    followed by a Bob Barker Price is Right-style biography of the possessor. Those are the voices I used when I read it, anyway.

  5. Could you please have your fact checker investigate where one might purchase Mr. Redford’s scarf? Mother’s Day is coming up and I need a gift.

  6. I feel like you don’t see mustaches much these days. A good thing, as far as I’m concerned. I am pro ‘stache only if it has a beard supporting it. Mustaches without beards are almost as bad as beards without mustaches.

    Mike Beltran is doing everyone a disservice if he doesn’t braid his branches.

    I need a few minutes to come to terms with how uncomfortable some of this made me, and a few weeks to come to terms with how uncomfortable I am with the fact that some of this was kind of sexy.

  7. PWG said

    Do I want to know if you still have 500 regular readers who are too terrified to comment anymore, or if this is now a public e-mail forum for the three of us?

    If it’s the latter, thank you for doing most of the work. Quick, talk about feminism again and see if the lurkers pounce.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Good question. Are you clicking on the homepage a few hundred times every day? Or there are still a good deal of lurkers.

  8. cledbo said

    Not a fan of the moustachio’d gentleman, or the bearded gentleman, over here. Sorry fellaz. And not just because rather a lot of the above did creep me out (in the best of all possible ways, Jordan) but also because I believed every word of it once I found out who the moustache belonged to. Creepy!

    Mr Cledbo couldn’t grow a lip doormat to save his life, it always comes out pedo-stache, so that could be another major strike against unshavenness in my book. Frankly the only one of those men who shouldn’t be forcibly held down and have their nose-neighbour destroyed is Mike Beltran. His facial hair is a work of art, but I wouldn’t sleep with him anyway so he’s allowed to keep it.

  9. Andrew said

    Well, Michael Sheen was kinda hot in ‘The Queen,’. Not exactly sure what happened off screen but I just remember seeing a picture where he looked awfully scruffy and his hair was so unconditioned, it was not funny! Yuck! So no to him and James Franco in my opinion, is the only hottie in this list \=

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