Movies! Movies! Big Old Stupid Movies! – Green Lantern Edition

April 12, 2011

STUPID FUCKING MOVIES!!!!!!!

YAY!

Today, I’m going to talk about some Green Lantern movie news I saw that I thought was stupid.

Yep.

I read news.

All sorts of news.

And generally…

I think it is stupid.

Like really stupid.

But.

It is far less polarizing and far more fun to talk about movie news instead of world news and political news.

Let me give you an example:

President Obama wants to end the Bush-era tax cuts. He’s been talking about it for awhile. He actually partially ran on the idea of cutting these tax cuts. Well, I think he should do it. Reason being that I think those tax cuts only benefits the select few in this country who actually make over $250,000 and the money generated from taxing that money can better serve the American people than allowing those people to keep it because George W. Bush thought they should keep it. Having hope that those people will then use their saved money in a way that benefits others is a leap of faith I am not accustomed to nor do I believe is a viable option. If those people are so giving to begin with then they probably wouldn’t be hording away millions of dollars and would be using it to better the rest of the American people. I, on the other hand, believe that unless a sizable percentage of people’s income is taken from them through taxes then they would clearly not give up that much of their income to service the economy in any way shape or form. The circulation of money is the economy – people hording money is not the economy. People can make claims that they worked for that money and they deserve it and that is certainly true, but judging by the difference in pay throughout the spectrum of jobs, some people are making well over a 100x what other people are making. Are those people working 100x more than the other person? Are their jobs 100x more important? Are they 100x more successful in their job than the other person? If not, then they might not be worth all that money. Plus, can’t we look at this as anti-American that a person is not willing to give money to the government that is in charge of furthering the idea of Americanism? I believe so. Why would you want to rob the people that work for the continuance of the American ideal? I believe that could be seen as treason. Although, I’m not going that far. I just think the wealthy have made money off the opportunities afforded to them in some way by this country and if the country believes they should give back then they should. People who make more money can afford to be taxed more. If it is hindering them in any area, it is hindering them in living a grander life style than what is actually needed as a human being. It is greed.

See how fun that was?

That’s the type of fun that is had when we talk about politics.

That is why I think we should stick to talking about things like…

HOLY SHIT!

Look how fucking stupid this looks.

Oh man this looks stupid.

Why isn’t he wearing shoes?

Green Lantern doesn’t wear boots? That’s weird. And stupid.

Is it just me or does it look like Ryan Reynolds is giving us the finger?

I mean the “Green Lantern” is giving us the finger.

This looks worse than Ghost Rider with Nicolas Cage. That’s how bad The Green Lantern is. There is only a select elite of horrendous movies that actually look worse than Ghost Rider. No one sat through the trailer of Ghost Rider and thought it looked good or even average. It looked terrible. But it looked terrible and maybe if I have nothing else to do it could be mildly entertaining. Who knows? I’ve watched episodes of NCIS and even NCIS: Los Angeles and although they are terrible I could see how some of it is entertaining. Like if you took a nail drove into your skull and it went deep enough to pierce your frontal lobe and destroy some of it – I would imagine NCIS and its sister show would be thoroughly entertaining from start to end. There are some good looking people, usually guns, a couple dead bodies, quirky music, dramatic music, quirky dialogue, dramatic dialogue and the killer is always found with a couple minutes left in the show. Ghost Rider had a guy with a flaming skull and a motorcycle and Eva Mendes and there was a scene where the motorcycle rode up a building. So terrible, but maybe a little entertaining.

Green Lantern looks worse than that.

Are we sure this is even Ryan Reynolds?

I know the suit is CGI, but the whole thing looks like CGI. His face looks CGI. It looks like what Ryan Reynolds would look like in a videogame wearing a Zorro mask.

And take a look at the bottom half. Isn’t that just the Hulk? It is purple/blue torn pants, green muscular legs, and green feet. That’s the Hulk. So it is a computer generated Hulk with a swimmer’s build with Ryan Reynolds’ face in a Zorro mask.

This movie looks good right? Oh and who can save this movie? Who is the CGI Reynolds’ other half?

 

Blake Lively and her scientifically impossibly boobs. Oh man they’re wonderful for people of all ages and sex and religion and economic bracket.

So far Blake has shown not the greatest acting range. And on top of that this movie looks terrible. So let’s just say Blake really isn’t going to do a good job and she really doesn’t even have the chance to because the movie is terrible. So bad Blake and bad CGI Ryan and everything else looks bad.

Let’s think for a moment of how to make this movie better.

First thing first…

Let’s say we’re doing this CGI Green Lantern body suit.

Whenever someone (including Ryan Reynolds) regardless of how fat their body is normally or how ripped their body is normally whenever they put on the power ring they turn into the CGI version of the suit above and in doing so now they are ripped and have magical powers that make it look like you’re giving people the finger as seen in the first picture.

Now, why the fuck are we casting Ryan Reynolds? The actor doesn’t need to be in good shape.

Instead of Ryan, let’s choose an actor that would need a CGI suit…

There we go. Jonah Hill.

Two things:

1. I know he is trying to lose weight from all those article about him losing weight plus he was a lot heavier when he started acting. So this time, he gains a couple of LBs. We get him more of the sticky icky he loves and he packs on another 15 pounds or so. It will give him more motivation once the movie is over to get it off.

2. He cannot be in control of the storyline. He can help with writing some of the dialogue, but I saw Get Him to the Greek and that movie has no storyline to speak of. I thought I read it was him, Jason Segel and the guy who directed it who came up with that movie. Either way, none of them should put their hands on this because that movie just kind of falls apart. Actually, the worst part about that movie is the music. I have no idea why they thought that was the type of music Russell Brand should make. If that was exactly what they had in mind and Jonah Hill thinks some guy in his late 20’s should be digging that music and want to make it his life long goal to bring that music back then they should’ve shot and killed that character like 10 minutes into the movie.

Anyway, Jonah Hill is the Green Lantern.

In this new Green Lantern, the guy is a fighter pilot for the US Air Force and an alien crash lands on the planet and gives him the power ring and asks him to be the new Green Lantern, but Ryan Reynolds is reluctant because he is cowardly and hates responsibility.

Well, that makes no sense. A US Air Force fighter pilot is cowardly and hates responsibilities? That seems a tad unrealistic.

How about Jonah Hill plays a low level employee for some company and is generally spineless and never does anything heroic and just smokes pot and runs from confrontation?

Then one night he is out and about and the alien crash lands and in his dying breath he tells Jonah Hill that he needs to take the Power Ring before anyone else does and he needs to protect it and use it for good. Also, there are good people who have power rings that will hopefully find him and that day he can give the ring to them because they are the protectors of the ring. Ok?

Then Jonah Hill is at first scared of the ring, but his curiosity takes over and he tries it on… turning him into this…

Ok? More of a dramatic shift, right?

Ok, where does Blake Lively and her boobs come into play?

How about this? Blake Lively is a model. Blake Lively IS a model who gets acting work, so it shouldn’t be too hard.

So, Jonah Hill has a crush on her and she’s famous and so do other people.

Jonah could either be randomly thrown into a situation where he saves her or he could be already stalking her and he just waits for the right opportunity to swoop in and save these…

Seriously, congrats to the “Today Network” of Australia for this investigative journalism.

Do Blake Lively’s boobs defy gravity? Apparently, yes. Next week? What magic is being used to create butts like Nicki Minaj and Coco have?

So, Jonah Hill as the Green Lantern ends up in Blake Lively’s life. She and he start hooking up and dating and stuff with him as the Green Lantern in the CGI suit with the muscles and super powers. But she doesn’t know what he looks like with no suit on.

After a little while, he starts using the power ring more and more to obtain what he wants considering it worked like gang busters with Blake Lively. He abuses the power and the more he uses the ring the more he becomes intoxicated with the power and the more evil he becomes. Also, the more he uses the ring the more familiar he is with his powers and his powers continue to grow and grow making him almost unstoppable.

But at the same time, every time he uses the ring it sends out a signal throughout the cosmos and other power ring havers (good and bad) can sense the ring.

Eventually, baddies with the power ring begin showing up. Jonah Hill has to defeat them.

But the more he uses the ring the worse he gets and at some point he and the bad guys actually come to terms. What is it they really believe in? They’re all powerful creatures with power rings, why should the follow the rules of humanity? Yeah, that makes sense to Jonah Hill as he has spent less and less time in his fat form and more and more time in his CGI form.

At last, the good guys show up, but Jonah is already bad and they all battle. The bad guys are more powerful especially with Jonah Hill on their side.

As the bad guys are about to kill off the good guys, one of the bad guys is destroying a whole bunch of stuff and is about to kill Blake Lively!

It catches Jonah Hill’s attention, but he is so evil at this time he is fighting whether or not he should care.

Blake Lively sees this. She sees there is still some good in him.

She sees that she needs to bring him back to the good side by showing him that the good guys should fight for saving the people of the universe from these elitist dictators… and she does this by-

Tearing her shirt off and showing off her boobs!

It is like a white light of all holy goodness and humanity and salvation and hope and happy times and smiles and puppy laughter and rainbows come out of her nipples and everything…

This turns Jonah Hill back into a good guy and he defeats the bad guys! The bad guys runaway from Earth! YAY!

Saving humanity!

At the end, he and the rest of the power ring users have a conference about what should happen with the ring.

They first think that he should give them back the ring because it doesn’t belong to him.

Then Jonah Hill takes the ring off to reveal his true form. He then explains that although he is funny and Blake Lively and him have the same musical and movie taste that she hasn’t seen him like this, but they’ve been doing it pretty regularly in the Green Lantern form and she would stop fucking him immediately if he didn’t look like the CGI version.

They start to discuss “true love” and “superficiality”, but then they do a lightning round of Jonah putting the ring on and off quickly and they see the grand disparity and they think it will be best if he keeps the ring so that he can keep having sexual relations and boyfriend girlfriend stuff with Blake Lively.

Then they bring Blake Lively back in and tell Jonah to only use the ring for good and if he starts to stray and use his power for evil and then Blake jumps in and finishes their thought by flashing Jonah again. And they all say “nice”.

Then…

In the closing sequence, there could be a scene of Green Lantern heading off to stop crime and right before he does he takes a look into Blake’s cleavage then flies off. A seconds later, Blake reveals a glowing toe ring or something and she takes it off and her breasts deflate and she transforms into…

Rachel Zoe!!!!!

She then sends a communication message to those bad guys who escaped before and they reveal their master plan is working perfectly. As Blake Lively, she is almost in full control over Jonah Hill as the Green Lantern and soon enough his powers will be theirs and they’ll use him to take over the universe!!!!

End they she puts the ring on again to transform back to Blake Lively and then there is a long scene during the closing credits of her in the shower rubbing lotion all over herself. After she dries off she turns on the TV to watch The Soup re-runs and…

FADE TO BLACK…

I think this movie would be much better.

Thoughts?!

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3 Responses to “Movies! Movies! Big Old Stupid Movies! – Green Lantern Edition”

  1. Phew, that was a rollercoaster of emotions. It’s like Shallow Hal meets LOTR meets The Incredibles meets…porn? I did not see the twist ending coming. You’re a regular M. Night Shyamalan (whom The Internet is trying to send back to film school)!

  2. cledbo said

    Blake Lively turning into Rachel Zoe and really being the bad guy is:
    a) one of the greatest things I’ve ever heard
    b) really going to stretch Blake’s acting skills, but not Rachel’s, she’s a super king kamehameha beeotch anyway.

    Also, I’m aware of the CGI-ness of Mr Reynold’s body, but does anyone else just think the proportions are all creepy? Like, his shoulders are heaps bigger than the size of the rest of his muscles would suggest they should be. Does he just really enjoy shoulder presses and front raises? He needs to work the spin bike a bit more from the looks of his disproportionately skinny man-thighs.

  3. PWG said

    That is just the ugliest Green Lantern suit I can imagine. Is that a herringbone pattern on his thighs? That doesn’t mimic human muscles, if that’s what they were going for. And honestly, is that little green eyemask supposed to really obscure anyone’s identity? I never understood those things. It’s about as disguise-y as Avril Lavigne’s eyeliner. I don’t like his haircut, either.

    Look, we get it, if you want to be a Hollywood star you need to get a comic book movie. And yes, all the good ones are taken and in some cases have been taken two or three times. Or four, how many damn Batmans are we up to? But just because you have to check that off your list doesn’t mean you should go around screwing up the lesser comics. Sorry, fanboys, “graphic novels.”

    There are still plenty of 80’s TV shows to remake on the big screen. For every Spider-man 2 there’s a Daredevil. You should have held out for Aquaman, Reynolds.

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