Happy Passover and We’re Talking About Butts

April 18, 2011

I went to another Roller Derby bout/event/match on Saturday and I’ll get to that in a minute.

But first…

Hey there, Jew boy!

What’cha up ta, Jew boy?!

Well, I’m having dinner with my family. A nice three course dinner with homemade soup and a roast chicken playing integral parts. Also, we’ll be discussing the plot of the classic film The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston in great detail. After that, we’ll probably just lay around drinking wine and watching the NBA playoffs.

Really? Awww, Jew boy. That sounds like such a good time.

Yeah, it isn’t too bad.

I haven’t had dinner with my parents in years, which might be why I’m out here yelling “Jew boy” attchu.

That could be.

Do you mind if I come to your religious Charlton Heston dinner?

Actually, you are more than welcome to join because that’s another thing we do with this dinner – everyone is invited. Even an alcoholic homeless ghost is invited.

I love today. I’m crying. How can this be? I must tell you, I’m not circumscribed.

You mean circumcised.

I mean my penus looks like a hotdog than should be peeled like a dirty banana.

Right. I just… nevermind. That may have been too much information, but it shouldn’t stop us from enjoying dinner together.

– end scene –

That’s right!


Passover starts tonight. I’m sure I’ll have more to say about it tomorrow after sitting through one of the two dinners. Some personal favorites of mine are the multiplication tables about how many plagues the Egyptians were hit with, Rabbi Jose, when we finally get to eat, the general judgment over the soup this year compared to every previous year ever ever ever, and eating raw horseradish – I don’t do it any other time of the year.

So, there’s that…

BUT BUt But but butt butT buTT bUTT BUTT

I went to another roller derby game. That’s 2 in about 6 months. That’s a helluva lot of roller derby considering I went to 0 roller derby games in 27 years and now I’ve gone to 2 in 6 months. I’ve been out of school for too long to know how to do the percentages on this, but I’m going to roller derby games like one BILLION percent more than I used to. I honestly, I may need an intervention.

I remembered I wrote about the first roller derby match in great detail. I also wrote about seeing It’s Kind of a Funny Story. Isn’t it kind of a funny story how no one remembers the movie It’s Kind of a Funny Story? Maybe it has to do with the title being way more vague than “Zack Galifiniakis supporting part – movie”. What a shitty title for a movie? It wasn’t a bad movie – it was alright. I’ve seen much worse. The biggest question about that movie is why is it titled that? Second biggest question is why is Justin Long’s understudy at life getting with Emma Roberts and Zoe Kravitz? I’m finding it hard to believe that kid could convince either of those girls to kiss him even with the help of chloroform. Nevertheless, movies are a leap of faith, right?

So the roller derby… this is something I wrote before…

If you are not comfortable with using your butt then roller derby is not the sport for you. If you are not comfortable on roller skates then you really shouldn’t compete in a roller skate sport, but the butt. The butt is a key weapon in the roller derby arsenal. It is used for blocking, it is used for hitting, and it is used as a handlebar for your teammates at times. One cannot grab a hold of another player – unless that player is on your own team. One cannot elbow either. This leaves the body and with said body – the butt. The butt can be used as a hip check or the butt can be used as a bumper to hold back people from getting by. Similar to Nascar, people who are riding up from behind need to get by, but if you shadow in front of them they can’t. Besides the body, the butt can be used with great dexterity by the experienced user.

And after taking in a second event in the spectrum of derbying while rollering…

Your butt is league MVP.

Being able to work your butt is about the most important thing a girl can do to roller derby. Most will say knowing how to roller skate. That is right up there! That is really close to being the most important thing to know how to do, but I get this feeling if you can stand-up on roller skates and just kind of glide with the traffic, but you were excellent with the intricacies of using your butt then you would be a pretty good roller derby girl. You’ll never be a jammer with that attitude, but everyone isn’t meant to be a jammer.

All sports have to do with butts too.

Baseball – Tony Gwynn was one of the greatest hitters of all baseball history. And he had a big butt.

Fighting – Rampage, Huerta, Alvarez, Griffin, Faber and so on all have big butts.

Basketball – Shaq has a big ole’ booty.

Golf – Tiger’s got a butt and so does John Daly, Angel Cabrera and Lee Trevino.

Football – They’ve all got butts on them. Any man over 300 pounds has got ass the size of Texas on him. They’ve all got butts.

Hockey – It’s difficult to tell, but they sure as Hell pad up their butts so they have some big rumps. Butt envy.

There are no big butts in soccer, but isn’t that just like a glorified school yard activity than a sport? I mean it’s great and all…

So, roller derby requires a butt and knowing how to use it.

I’m not saying “bigger is better”, but if it ain’t then it certainly means there needs to be a lot of “motion in the ocean” to get that skinny butt working.


9 Responses to “Happy Passover and We’re Talking About Butts”

  1. So is that a formal invitation for your commenters to join your family’s passover dinners? Because it actually sounds like a good time. Is it a bring your own lamb’s blood ordeal, orrrrr…?

    I probably have the ass for roller derby, but I’m terrible on roller skates. If I could wear blades, I might be ok. If not, I certainly hope flying backwards and cracking your head on the rink gets you points somehow. And if just sprawling your big ass across the width of it isn’t considered a defensive move, then I’m in trouble.

  2. PWG said

    I have a birthday party for around a gigabajillion 6-year olds coming up in a couple of weeks at the roller rink. I think that’s a good age to introduce them to the finer points of roller derby drafting and elbowing and ass bumping. At the very least I’m bringing my printout of roller derby names so everyone can pick one. (Val Catraz)

    We have the place to ourselves so we get to pick the music playlist, which I must say is the high point for me. I figure we start with the Justin Roberts kid-friendly options to lull the parents and then start throwing in the Ke$hsa, Lady Gaga and Rihanna stuff later on until we have the kids limbo-ing under the strobe lights to S&M and Back That Ass Up.

    I can throw an inappropriate party of epic proportions. “Hang on a second kids, is that the plain jello or the jello shots? Eh, go for it.”

  3. PWG said

    I associate this time of year with pastel colors more than Passover or Easter. I like drinking wine, homemade matzo ball soup, dyeing eggs and eating semi-stale Peeps so it would be more of a multi-faith holiday around here if I didn’t do all those things all year round anyway.

  4. cledbo said

    I have only the vaguest understanding of what Passover is, though I did get HB’s lamb’s blood reference. I think. You drink it, right? I kid. Religion, hilarious!

    I learnt all I know about roller derby from a 2 min speech one of my workmates gave at a presentation skills training workshop. She’s got the Bettie Page haircut so I wasn’t too surprised, but I never knew just how violent the sport was – all those teen years wasted in kung fu! I could have been kicking ass for real…

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      But now you can give the Keanu Matrix dead pan, “I know kung-fu”.

    • hahahaha, they don’t drink it, silly! I’m pretty sure they strip nude, cover their bodies with the blood, and then sacrifice a virgin with a blade made of matzah. Jews, man – they’re a fucked up people.

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