May Movie Previews and If Kristen Stewart Was In Them – Part I

April 25, 2011

It’s Monday! So, happy fucking Monday.

I hope you all had a great weekend including the majority of you who celebrated Easter. Whether you celebrated it by eating chocolate bunny rabbits or marshmallow peeps or going to church for the first time since Christmas or sleeping in and going to brunch or painting eggs or however you choose to celebrate your religious holiday in your religious ways.

Today, I will begin a TWO part post that has TWO interior themes.

The first theme – previewing the movies for the month of May

The second theme – imagining those said movies if Kristen Stewart and her WANT were in them.

It’s seems pretty simple. The movies I have picked to preview are the biggies that will be in theaters and I threw in a couple of indies aka lessies to spice things up. There are a lot of indie or lessie movies that come out every month and generally speaking those are the ones you should be saving in your queue on Netflix.

Por ejemplo, Passion Play looks like it could be at the very least interesting. It has Bill Murray and Mickey Rourke and they’re fighting over Megan Fox who is an angel/stripper or something. It is directed by a writer and now first time director Mitch Glazer. I doubt the movie will be great, but it could be an enjoyable absurd sort of fantastical movie.

At the same time, there are just as many bad indies or lessies as there are biggies. Por ejemplo, Daydream Nation. This looks like a paint by numbers movie of the new hot girl and outsider girl in school sleeps with her teacher and a boy her age and then the mellow-drama continues. Kat Dennings and her heavenly jugs play this 17 year old high schooler with the wandering poon. I understand that there are girls in high school who do have big boobs, I’m not saying that isn’t possible, but it is really hard to just cast 24 year old Kat and throw her into a high school and not think that her breasts have at the very least graduated college. Maybe that’s it! Kat can’t relate to kids her own age at the school because her chesticles have already been to law school, passed the bar and are working local circuit courts.

Anyway, these movies should be coming out in the month of May unless the apocalypse hits.

The Beaver

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There’s no better way to start a new month of movies than with “Good Times” Mel Gibson. I’m not 100% positive Mr. Gibson’s nickname is “Good Times”, but it seems to fit like a glove. In this film directed by Jodie Foster, Gibson plays a depressed middle age man who lost his family and his career and starts using a hand puppet to express himself as a psychological coping/defense mechanism and he’s not racist/antisemitic. The last bit was the hardest part for Gibson to act as. Did you know Mel Gibson was a racist and antisemitic? Well he is. A couple of the actors who have known Mel for a long time say he isn’t. It says a lot about how subjective people can be when they hear someone they’ve known for years tell their significant other that they’re going to get raped by a pack of n’s and not bat an eye lash about it. I would hope that would have greatly offended them because if they didn’t then they don’t care about people hoping for other people to get raped… and the flagrant use of the n-word and the pack animal element part too. It’s kind of all bad. Also, this was coming on the heels that he was hitting this woman and possibly the baby, but it was all taken out of context I guess.

The movie itself looks like a sap fest. Gibson is a big ole’ puss puss and he’s so swad and he needs a hand puppet to talk again. Isn’t that something? I’m not sure why Foster specifically chose Gibson, but it is kind of hard to look past him at the movie that looks pretty shallow anyway. I get he is depressed and he uses a puppet to cope. I think there are other actors who could have played this part with 1/10th the amount of controversy that comes with Gibson. Seriously, couldn’t a bearded Robin Williams play this role? Or un-bearded? The only thing that does make sense is that Gibson is a good looking enough guy to have snagged Jodie Foster if Jodie wasn’t more interested in chicks.

Well, I would change this movie that there is no beaver or at least no stuffed animal one. Instead, the main character runs into a down on their luck young woman played by Kristen Stewart. The guy has money and the girl has a lot of sassy fuck you spirit. He pays her to be his mouthpiece instead of some sock puppet. People are constantly asking who she is, where she came from, is he sleeping with her and so forth, but really she is just talking for him because he is depressed and tired of talking for himself. He goes about his day, goes to work, goes to meetings, goes to dinner et cetera, but she does all the talking. In the process she is making decisions in a life that has means and understands consequences as opposed to her own life where she was just drifting along doing nothing. I like that movie much better.

Hobo with a Shotgun

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You’ve just seen the best part of the movie – the poster. I just watched this movie and it is terrible. I was hoping this movie was good. I watched Machete a week ago and thought that was bad and was hoping this was good and then I would say how a no name like this guy made the same movie, but better, but it was worse. So, Machete and Hobo with a Shotgun were trailers for fake movies that were made for the Grindhouse experience. If you saw the two Grindhouse movies in the movies together like I did then you may remember there were all these trailers for movies that didn’t exist. Those trailers were more enjoyable than the two Grindhouse movies and now there are two just as un-enjoyable feature length versions of them in Machete and this Hobo with a Shotgun.

Hobo has all the charm of any movie devoid of story and filled to the gills with fake blood and torture and menace. The movie is 90 minutes of gruesome violence or talking about gruesome violence and there is very little else. You could easily remove all the dialogue from this film and replace it with an overdubbed loop of you saying “Blah blah blah… blah blah blah blah… blah blah fart blah” and you would get the same exact experience. There isn’t a single thing uttered by a single character that is worth hearing. In the end, everyone pretty much dies except the girl the Hobo tries to save 20 some odd minutes into the movie.

The only thing worth noting about this movie is that Canadians made it. Many believe Canadians are great, but they’re not. They have the exact same amount of talentless and worthlessness coming out of that country as the rest.

Where could Kristen Stewart fit into this movie? Easy…

KRISTEN STEWART with a SHOTGUN

The movie will start out with Kristen Stewart arriving in town minutes after the Hobo does and she doesn’t stop firing her real shotgun with real ammunition and killing people until everyone in the town is dead and then she breaks through the fourth wall and kills all the people who worked on this movie from caterers to costume designers to the director and producers and if they’re not all there on the set then she will schedule plane flights to fly to their homes and kill those people as well.

Jumping the Broom

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I’ve never heard a person, black or otherwise, say anything about jumping brooms. If I can give credit to Hobo with a Shotgun about anything is that the movie does literally feature a hobo with a shotgun. I have no idea what a movie about a poor family and a rich family coming together through marriage has to do with brooms and jumping them. If you’re wondering, this is the only black film this year that is not produced by Tyler Perry nor does it feature Madea. But it will be arguably the same entertainment value… actually worse. You would be surprised how violent Madea is and how funny that can be for a movie that seems to be pushing you into the church half of the time.

So, the guy is from “downtown” so he’s blue collar and the girl is from “uptown” so she’s white collar and guess what? The two families don’t see eye to eye. The only thing truly memorable about this movie is that Paula Patton and Meagan Good are so damn attractive. I love them. They’re so pretty and they’re in the worst movies.

Where does Kristen fit in? Easy – she’s with the “downtown” family. I’m not sure if she is with Mike Epps or not in the movie, but she’s the thug white chick who the “downtown” people point out as being blacker than the uppity white republican acting “uptown” family. She can be some orphan the “downtown” mamma took in and that shows how much a sweetheart that she is instead of the tough exterior she keeps putting out there. Who doesn’t want to see Kristen Stewart act street?

Something Borrowed

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HAHAHAHAHAH… Egglesfield?! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! What a name? He appears to be a pretty man. I hope he’s been pretty his whole life for his sake because Egglesfield is a name of a kid who gets beat up a lot. I don’t care if Egglesfield doesn’t necessarily have a lot of heckling built into it because kids will punch, push and attack just about anyone with a weird sounding name and Egglesfield is weird sounding. Either way, this movie looks bad.

Ginnifer Goodwin plays the soulmate of Egglesfield. The two went to school together, hung out together and for no apparent reason they’ve never hooked up together. I’ve never been a dashingly handsome pretty boy who has a hot girl I’m best friends with and spend all my days with and we seem to have everything in common, so maybe this type of stuff happens. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t happen, but let’s just say it does for this movie. One day Ginnifer introduces the secret love of her life to Kate Hudson and Kate Hudson steals him away. Ginnifer stands by and watches this happen and continues to be best friends with Kate Hudson. I’ll say two things:

1. How does Ginnifer Goodwin not make it clear to her best friend that if you lay a hand on Egglesfield that I’ll cut your blonde bitch ass up with a machete? I thought that was about all women did. They’re “friends”, but they’re really just enemies in waiting who hang out together.

2. This movie really presupposes that Kate Hudson is a lot more attractive than Goodwin. It appears that Goodwin is the homely smart friend while Hudson is the flashy hot friend. I don’t really think that Hudson is anymore attractive than Goodwin. Unless Goodwin makes a point of celibacy in the movie then that guy would be idiotic to go with Hudson and not this perfect guy they’re making him out to be. Also, if after knowing a guy who is perfect for you for years and he immediately falls for the flashy hot friend then he wasn’t the deepest guy ever.

John Krasinski is in the movie playing the voice of reason I guess. I don’t know. He kind of just shows up randomly in the trailer. In the end, it really doesn’t matter who gets who because they’re all unlikable and stupid.

I would throw Kristen Stewart in there to cat fight Kate and Ginnifer. Why? Who knows? Chicks cat fight in my mind all the time. They just sense each other through pheromones and then attack and clothes come off and then they fall into fountain or kiddy pool full of KY lotion and then they take a shower later to clean themselves off and by that time they’re all giggling like “can you believe how out of hand that got?” then they decide to kiss and make-up, which gets really graphic and eventually they become traveling dance DJs and paint.

Thor

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Oh man this movie looks so bad. I’ve talked a lot about how bad I think this movie looks already and I may in the future talk about it again. It just looks bad. So bad. All of it looks bad. It looks like they hired a bunch of British actors to play Vikings Gods because who would know the difference and then the main one, Thor, ends up in a facade town built in the California desert so they could wreck it without much cost of needing to rebuild it. That’s about it. The movie looks so dumb.

I wish the movie was about a guy who thought he was Thor, but who wasn’t. He was just some guy played by Chris Hemmsworth who was jacked and everything that Natalie Portman discovers as a homeless drifter. In the movie, she ends up taking him in and he is babbling about Valhalla, but really he is just a crazy guy off his meds who lives in the streets. But he is so pretty and his biceps are so big, she believes him and sleeps with him and so forth. Then her bitchy best friend Kat Dennings also sleeps with him and the two of them are fighting over this homeless guy who works out a lot. Then he disappears for a bit and the two of them get nostalgic and start looking for other homeless men who could be Gods who just lost their magical hammer. In the end of the movie, it becomes apparent that he was just an insane person living in his own filth, but they bought it into him because he had a 6 pack and really developed pecks.

But back to this steaming pile of shit movie. Well, I could think of one of two things.

1. Kristen Stewart could play the character of Sif. She’s a Norse viking goddess. It would be Kristen wearing about the biggest set of fake boobs ever and her using all sorts of magical powers to destroy everything in her path. That’s about it. I wouldn’t mind seeing that.

2. Before Thor arrives, Kristen Stewart, Natalie Portman and Kat Dennings were all going out as a lesbian threesome. Portman battles with being a lesbian or going straight for Thor. In the meantime, there are dozens if not hundreds of scenes of Stewart and Portman and Dennings getting it on. Or Dennings and Stewart getting it on while Portman watches. Or Stewart forces Portman and Dennings to do it while she guards the door to make sure Thor doesn’t show up. I really think adding that element would flesh out the movie. I mean if Portman is just single and straight then why not shack up with Thor. But if she is bi-sexual and she is already have kinky amazing constant sex with Kat Dennings and Kristen Stewart then giving that up to have a relationship with a fallen Norse Lord seems a little more difficult of a choice.

Bridesmaids

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Looks good.

So out of these movies, this is the only one I want to see. I’ll end up seeing Thor out of obligation and curiosity. I have to know how bad the movie really is. I have to know with my own two eyes. But Bridesmaids looks funny. I’m 100% on board because they’re funny chicks and the movie is R rated. I like all these chicks separately, so having them in one big group where they’re mixing it up and cracking wise should be a good time. Not really sure what else to say. I hope it is good. I really do hope so. I would like this to do well and then keep seeing some of these ladies make good movies and then maybe other ladies will make good movies instead of shit like Something Borrowed. That would be nice.

The movie looks pretty self-explanatory. There is a time in many relationships’ lives where they decide to take it up a notch and get married. So Maya Rudolph is getting married and these are her bridesmaids. Makes sense. They’re a motley crew and they’ll get into some hijinx.

Where would Kristen fit in?

She’s the crazy sister-in-law who isn’t a bridesmaid. The chick all the way to the left from Mike & Molly and/or was the chick from Gilmore Girls is I think playing the sister of the man Maya Rudolph is marrying in the movie. I think Kristen could play her younger sister who isn’t made a bridesmaid because of a numbers game plus Maya thinks she is nuts and is hoping she won’t be around for anything. Instead, Kristen is batshit crazy and follows the women around like she’s the T-1000 in Terminator 2: Judgment Day and/or Carrie Fisher in Blues Brothers. Of course, this can culminate with a wild wedding cat fight between Ellie Kemper from The Office and Rose Byrne versus Kristen Stewart.

Ok, so a lot of these movies can be improved by cat fights or lesbians.

Am I wrong?

End of Part I…

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One Response to “May Movie Previews and If Kristen Stewart Was In Them – Part I”

  1. Are you saving the better movies for Part Two? Or is May just another month full of cinematic shitshows? Aside from Bridesmaids, these look atrocious. Well, Hobo with a Shotgun looked kind of awesome, but in an atrocious way…

    One of my biggest issues with Something Borrowed is that Kate’s character appears to have no redeeming qualities whatsoever. That, and she would definitely know how Ginnifer feels about that dude. Girls talk about the dirty things they do/want to do with dudes just as much as dudes talk about girls. I don’t care how prudish she’s supposed to be – she’s made jokes about blowing him in an alley. Or at least tweeted them. Bitches will tweet anything.

    I would love to see Kristen Stewart act street. Bonus points if it involves choreographed dancing.

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