May Movie Previews and If Kristen Stewart Was In Them – Part 2

April 26, 2011

I’m imagining most of you haven’t slept.

You haven’t been able to contain your nervous excitement waiting for this second part of the May movies breakdown/Kristen Stewart re-writes. I know your eyes must be dry and irritated from staring at the computer screen and clicking “refresh” over and over and over again for 24 hours until RIGHT NOW when you can read the post and then finally sleep. And sleep. And sleep. Until Hollywood has finally allowed me to make these movies that I dream up in my big ole’ brain.

I imagine my brain as a banzai tree.

It is enormous. Its branches reach the end of the universe in every direction. It’s leaves are perfectly manicured and maintained in what first appears as several cloud like clusters, but with each blink of your eyes more clouds appear. The clouds continue to multiply, but the tree’s branches do not become any more obscured. When you stare deeply into each cluster of leaves, you try to count the leaves as the number seems obtainable, but as you count more leaves emerge and the number becomes difficult to remember. You look downward towards the trunk and its roots. The roots continue on into infinity. They grow deep until your eyes cannot follow. You become fixated with the trunk. You try to walk around the trunk to see the other side, but you are caught in a loop and never can get around to the opposing side. And once you have exhausted yourself trying to count the leaves, count the clusters, walk around the trunk or follow the branches and the roots, you turn away and try to leave and that is when the ninjas appear behind you and ATTACK!

Now onto the rest of the May movies…

Everything Must Go


Will Ferrell. I love Will Ferrell. I love Will Ferrell like my brother. I don’t have a brother, but if he was any less than Will Ferrell I would be disappointed with him. I would shout at him, “why are you not Will Ferrell?!” and he would cry and he would never have any self-esteem. I am a terrible brother to him, but he is the worst brother ever to me because he’s not Will Ferrell. So, I’m excited for this movie as I am for all Will Ferrell vehicles.

This is dramatic Will Ferrell. Will loses his job and loses his wife in the same day. His wife throws all his belongings onto their front lawn. But Will doesn’t leave. He begins living outside and even starts selling the stuff like his life is a garage sale. He also befriends a neighborhood youth who is coincidentally of African-American descent. And by “coincidentally” I mean it is not a coincidence at all and that is what the producers/writer/director or somebody chose because that kid showed up and he was black and they were like “ok” and he kept coming back to make the movie. It looks it could be pretty good. It doesn’t look as good as Stranger than Fiction, which is an excellent excellent movie if you haven’t seen serious Will Ferrell in that.

Where does Kristen Stewart fit in?

About halfway through the second act, a flash of white light momentarily blinds the youth and Will Ferrell and then Kristen Stewart materializes in front of them out of thin air. She is from the future and she has the power to help them choose the appropriate paths they should take in life to lead the most successful lives they can from that moment onward. They believe her because of the materialization thing and the glow in her eyes make them feel truth in their balls. The youth follows Kristen and eventually becomes an astronaut 20 years into the future. There in that time he goes to the Moon just in time to stop an intergallactic war between the aliens that Will Ferrell finds. That’s right I forgot to mention Will Ferrell because a space explorer through mastering astral projection. He meditates to a level that was thought near impossible where he then sends his consciousness to any point in the universe and in doing so he travels to planets our previous scientists did not think exist. There Will Ferrell’s mental manifestation of his consciousness befriends an alien species far more advanced technological, but far less advanced emotionally. They travel to the moon, but it takes them 20 years and while in that travel they grow angry and once they arrive the black youth who is now a man astronaut hands them a note that Will Ferrell wrote them and then rubbed his musk on and they take this as a peace offering. From there, the youth leads the aliens back to our planet Earth and begin sharing our particular species’ highest qualities and in doing so we learn their technology and they learn our compassion and love. Will is long dead by then as astral projection aged him 1000x than normal speed and died only a year after Kristen Stewart taught him how to perfectly astral project. Oh yeah, then Kristen Stewart comes back to the future and oil wrestles the best looking female alien.



This also looks really good. First thing first, I love Metallica. Always have. They were one of the first bands I ever really listened to. As a kid, I used to go and play at a friend’s house and we would play his dad’s Metallica CDs as we ran around and killed things with imaginary weapons. That still sounds like an excellent time. This movie is filled with Metallica music and the titular character “Hesher” played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt was inspired by former Metallica bassist and living being Cliff Burton. It appears the movie is about a spiritually broken family with Rainn Wilson as the dad and some kid as the kid. Then there is Joseph Gordon-Levitt who is the crazy person who moves and shakes everything up. Also, Natalie Portman works at a local department store and I think her Hesher might end up together or something.

It looks interesting. The trailer is vague and doesn’t show too much about what the plot is. I’m starting to accept this Joseph Gordon-Levitt love. I really wasn’t much of a fan for awhile. I didn’t like Brick and I didn’t like The Lookout and I didn’t really like too much he was apart of (outside of 3rd Rock from the Sun). I did like 500 Days of Summer a lot and I thought he was good in Inception. So, I’m trying to be cool with it. He keeps popping up in movies I’m interested in. I love Natalie Portman and she’s in it. Did you know Natalie Portman is in at least 4 movies that are coming out this year? That’s pretty nuts, right? The Other Woman, No Strings Attached, Thor and Hesher. We’re not even talking about the second half of the year. How many more movies could she be in?! I just saw Rainn Wilson in Super and I liked that and him in it. Anyway, I think this should be good or at least worth a look. I’m hoping it will be great.

Where is Kristen Stewart?

Hesher’s twin sister. I don’t really know what this movie is about, but Hesher gets a twin sister. Just put her in ratty metal t-shirts and have her run around in skin tight ripped up jeans head banging, smoking cigs and smashing stuff.



Ugh. Just don’t. You’re not seeing this. I don’t really know why I need to talk about this movie because it isn’t like you are actually going to see it. This movie will TANK at the box office. It looks awful and it looks AWFUL! It actually somehow looks like the Wolverine Origin movie and just as bad. The cowboy character in this looks exactly like Gambit. Not literally “looks”, but I mean like the how the character acts, does, what he’s trying to accomplish et cetera. They look like the same dude. Anyway, you’re not seeing it. You’re not seeing Paul Bettany with a permanent Ash Wednesday cross on his forehead fighting cgi chimp teal vampires. It looks awful. The funny thing is this is based off a comic book and there are no vampires in the comic book, but that is the only thing this movie is about. Damn Twilight.

Where is Kristen Stewart?

She has a flame thrower and she burns every copy of this film in every medium, so that no one every sees it ever.

Midnight in Paris


Ok, I’m talking myself into this movie being good. I haven’t liked a Woody Allen film in over a decade, but I’m really curious about this one. As usual with Woody Allen films the main character is pretty much him. Back in the day, he played that neurotic character and he played it amazingly. Then it got kind of old and so did he and he would randomly substitute another actor in for himself. He did it with John Cusack, which I hated. He did it with Jason Biggs, which I hated. He even did it with Larry David, which I hated. This time it’s Owen Wilson and it’s the first one I like the choice. I think Owen can pull off this squirrelly, off-beat, curious guy and I hope that is how they have him play it.

The story is that a family is traveling in Paris. Owen is married and not bored, while everything else seems more interesting and better. He starts isolating himself and takes a walk at night where he gets into hijinx in Paris in this wild world at night. Then he keeps doing this sneaking off to get into the hijinx while hanging out during the day with the family. I like the idea of the movie. I’m really curious about this because I like Owen Wilson a lot and I think he is used improperly by a lot of people, but Allen’s humor could be a nice fit for Wilson. Great cast as well. I’m looking forward to this movie and I think it can deliver as opposed to these others he has churned out. I haven’t liked the dramas or any of these movies he’s done with Scarlett. I love Scarlett, but Scoop sucked, Match Point was sexy at times, but really pointless I thought and Vicky, Christina, Barcelona was drivel and it didn’t deliver on the lesbian scene it sold itself on. So, I’m hoping for a good Woody Allen movie.

Where does Kristen Stewart fit in?

Clearly, she is involved in the wild hijinx at night. I think she should play an American who thinks they are a Parisian a Parisian out of a Jean Luc Godard film. Really French. Smoking cigarettes. Wearing berets. Wearing that tight prison white and black bar long sleeve t-shirt that the French love so much. She writes bad poetry and drinks coffee. She is very serious, but over flowing with cheesy fatalism. She talks in a Spanglish version of French. Frenglish? She could lead him on the most soap opera dramatic chase around Paris where he thinks she is into him, but really she is trying to get him to fight her French boyfriend to make her boyfriend jealous and the two of them get back together.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides


Oh man, seriously? Is anyone actually still seeing these movies? If you sat through the third Pirates movie you deserve a medal… you also deserve to be beaten with a wiffleball bat filled with newspaper. That movie was horrendous and it was horrendously long. It was a shade under 3 hours and it was by far the worst of the these three movies where the best one is a “meh” “Summer blockbuster”. In all seriousness, Transformers or Transformers 2: Rise of the Fallen are both better movies than any of the Pirates movies or even a compilation of the best scenes/moments of the Pirates put together in a music video set to Daft Punk’s album “Homework”. So, I’m not looking forward to this movie nor will I see it.

The funny thing about this series is everyone has “jumped ship”, but we the viewers are supposed to continue watching until the bitter end and go “down with the ship”. Orlando Bloom was the first to leave. Then Keira Knightley. Then the director Gore Verbinski. Now, all that’s left is Johnny and they’re bringing back Geoffrey Rush. The movie will also have Penelope Cruz and Ian McShane for no apparent reason. Even as I’m typing this I couldn’t possibly imagine a human being excited to see this. Seriously? Isn’t it enough at some point? The first movie was whatever, but you got a sequel out of it. If you loved Jack Sparrow so much and wanted to see more of him… well, you got it. You got another 2 hours of Jack running around half-scared throwing out drunken one liners and falling ass backwards into success all with big boastful soundtracks in a movie with as much substance as a bad Michael Bay movie. So, you got it. You got like 4 hours of it or more. Then you got greedy and I guess you were the ones who asked for more. I felt like the fanbase was pretty over this whole charade and the third one was just a studio movie made by the studio without any wanting from the public. In return, we received or were thrown at a 3 hour snooze fest that is as insulting as it is long. So we have easily 7 hours of Captain Jack Sparrow doing the same EXACT bits that he’s been doing since the first 10 minutes of the first Pirates movie. ISN’T IT ENOUGH ALREADY?! Absolutely nothing happens in these movies. Change out all the actors put in new ones, have him face this guy then this guy, have his boat fly or take off to the moon, or it goes underwater like a submarine, or he just runs around the jungle! Every fucking scene is the exact same and it never ends like a Mobius strip of fantastical pirates.

Ugh. I don’t like these movies.

I think Kristen Stewart should play the role of a hitman and go to the houses of the executives who make these movies and shoot a musket ball right into their fucking head and put a stop to these movies forever. Then she should go to Johnny Depp’s house and tell him these movies suck and if he was as good of an actor as he claims then he needs to step the fuck on and stop playing the same fucking part over and over again. We get it, you can play British nancy drunk. Great, but I don’t give a fuck and you’re from fucking Kentucky, so act like it.

The Hangover Part II


I love it, already.

I was/am a big fan of The Hangover. I think it is a solid movie. I think it is funny, but I think it is a watchable movie that has a nice wild journey with plot points and characters evolving and so on and so forth. I’ve seen the movie a dozen times now and I don’t really laugh out loud too much while watching it anymore, but I enjoy it thoroughly. Todd Phillips made a well planned out movie that doesn’t feel cheap or derivative. I was thoroughly worried that was exactly what the sequel was going to be. The sequel would be an unwanted cashing in on a successful first film. But I won’t lie this looks good. It looks like they have taken what was the same idea of the first movie and re-inventing well for this second movie.

The idea for this movie is that Ed Helms (Stu) is getting married to Jamie Chung in Thailand. The night before the wedding they take Jamie’s brother out on the town and the next morning they wake up in a ramshackle room in Bangkok and the boy is nowhere to be found. This will then lead them on a wild ride through Bangkok where Helms has a Mike Tyson face tattoo, Mike Tyson is scheduled to be in the movie as well as Bill Clinton, and Ken Jeung is back too. I think it could work and be fun and all that good stuff.

Where could Kristen Stewart fit in?

Well, probably no where. Todd Phillips doesn’t really do female characters. If you notice in his movies there are females in them kind of, but not much happens with them. Not to point it out more with him than other directors because Christopher Nolan hasn’t done much with chicks either. Or most directors. I was listening to a Comedy Death Ray podcast that Zack was on and Paul F. Thompkins made a joke about the great female characters in The Hangover. There is the “monster” and the “whore” and that was it. HAHAHAHAHAHAH and Zachary laughed quite hard at that as well.

So, in that vain Kristen Stewart could play a madam/dominatrix at a Bangkok brothel who gives all the guys a rough time over what happened the night before and probably beats them with a paddle while in prone positions.

Kung Fu Panda 2


Sure. I didn’t sit through all of the first, but if I was a little kid I would have thought this movie was pretty neat-o. Or maybe not. I started watching adult movies pretty early on, so maybe this was too kiddy for me. I didn’t really enjoy the first 30 minutes of the first movie. I found it slow and not funny. Just fucking fight already! It could have gotten better. I doubt these movies are bad. They don’t look bad, they just look like something I don’t want to watch. The animation is solid and the concept is great. So, why not?

What’s the second Kung Fu Panda about? I don’t know. I’m 27 years old! I don’t know what it’s about. It’s probably about what the first one was about with a couple new characters. He’s a panda who is fat, but he’s really good at Kung Fu and he has to fight someone no one thinks he can beat, but then he beats that person. Sounds plausible.

Where does Kristen Stewart fit in?

She plays the MMA trained snow leopard who beats the shit out of every classically trained martial artist because their rigid fighting styles can’t adapt to her takedowns, aggressive stand-up, and overall brutish onslaught of pain. She bum rushes the panda with punches, shoots for a takedown and then secures mount and beats the panda bloody with elbows then she flips him over and rear naked chokes him to death. End of movie. Good night.

Tree of Life


Yes. Yes. Yes.

Do you know what Terrence Malick means in Jordanese? Perfection. And yes I have my own language.

From IMDB the storyline is – “The story centers around a family with three boys in the 1950s. The eldest son witnesses the loss of innocence.” That’s pretty fucking vague. I think I can fill in a little more than that. Sean Penn plays the one son grown up as he is looking back on his life now that he is depressed and I believe suicidal. Brad Pitt plays a tough father and Jessica Chastain the loving mother.

The movie looks exquisite. Like all of Terrence Malick’s movies it looks like art and it has depth. Some directors try to make a movie like a painting, but then the story and acting is just as thin as the paper it was painted on. But Malick creates these films that feel exotic even if they’re set in the America’s midwest and they’re emotional depth is oceanic. The movies literally feel weighty. They feel heavy. They are like 2000 pounds of feathers lying on your chest. He is an incredible filmmaker. He’s only directed 4 movies and this will be his 5th, but they’re not movies. They’re symphonies. They’re movements. They’re inspiring.

So, I’m looking forward to this immensely.

Where should Kristen Stewart be in this?

Well, if she isn’t in it then she shouldn’t be in it. She should be in the theater watching it like everyone else.

And that’s the May movie wrap up.

The month seems to get better as it goes along.

Have fun in the movies! Not this weekend, of course, as Fast Five is the big movie coming out and that will suck.


One Response to “May Movie Previews and If Kristen Stewart Was In Them – Part 2”

  1. Bonsai tree? I imagine your brain as one of those elaborate hedge sculptures like the kind Edward Scissorhands made, but instead of a dinosaur it’s two naked chicks making out.

    I don’t like the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise, but Transformers 2 was not better than the first Pirates. Nonsense. Also, how has Johnny Depp managed to maintain this image of being a “great actor” when he’s done nothing but awful movies lately? It’s been all Pirates, The Tourist and subpar Tim Burton movies the last decade. Kudos to him, though – I bought it.

    I’m excited for The Tree of Life and The Hangover 2. The Hangover was one of only two movies I’ve ever seen multiple times in the theater. The other was Napolean Dynamite. I have pretty flawless taste.

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