I have a red-eye at 10pm or so back to the East Coast, which means I should be arriving around 6 in the morning!

Holla! IHOP IS GOING TO GET KERRRRRRRAAAAYYYYZZZZZZEEEEE like Patrick Swayze.

I saw some fights, I talked about those fights, I saw some dogs, I pet those dogs, I saw some drinks, I drank those drinks, I didn’t do any gambling, which is all good stuff. I really don’t have any appetite to gamble. Any dollar I spend on gambling is a dollar that I could potentially lose and could have spent on alcohol. And I would never forgive myself for doing that.

I saw Hangover II. Apparently, so did everyone else. It was pretty good. I definitely laughed a bunch and thought the movie was fun. Everyone is saying that it is a complete ripoff of the first and. it. is. But wasn’t that what we expected? It’s still fun. It is pretty much the same story, but ratcheted up. If you could imagine Hangover as Bad Boys with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence then Hangover II is Bad Boys II aka the movie where they invaded CUBA. It’s fairly non-stop ridiculousness after ridiculousness.

Also, Todd Phillips knows how to make a good looking movie. It’s visually the best looking comedy out there right now and has a good soundtrack. And as good as Todd Phillips seems to be at being the Michael Bay of comedy – the female characters may even be worse in this movie because there are none. Not that it matters it’s just funny. The first one at least had the attempt at a couple ladies having lines, but this one not so much. If people thought Jamie Chung was “useless” in Sucker Punch then I would love to hear what adjective they come up with for her in this movie. She’s only seen like two maybe three times in the movie and her character is absolutely robotic and brainlessly “in love” with Ed Helms. Nevertheless, she is  the prettiest goddess angel to play a brainless robot.

I did see a couple articles I wanted to critique for articles from this week, so hopefully I remember to do that on Thursday or next week or some time soon.

By the way, I’ve been watching Nick cartoons while I’ve been typing this for reasons that don’t need to be elaborated on. The first show that was on was Power Rangers Samurai or Samurai Power Rangers or something. IT WAS INSANE! Kids should not be watching that show. It was all screaming, stupidity, flashing lights, colors with absolutely no substance at all. And at the end of the show they promoted eating cotton candy. Don’t let your kids watch this show.

Now, Sponge Bob is on. It’s ok. I’ve never really watched this show, but it’s pretty good. You can let your kids watch it.

That’s it for now.

This will be my fourth time to Las Vegas.

What can I tell you about Las Vegas?

Well, you can get anything you want to eat fried. Just choose a food item that you feel like stuffing into your mouth hole then say “I want that fried” and somehow they have a fryer and BOOM or SIZZLE it is fried!

Ice cream cake? FRIED. Steak? FRIED. Beer? FRIED!

You can also drink on the streets. Actually, it is not only legal, but often preferred. It isn’t classy drinking though. It isn’t walking around with fine stemmed martini glasses sipping $50 vodka with a rare breed of Mediterranean olives on a gold tooth pick. It is more just GET HAMMERED type of drinking. Two feet tall plastic cylinders topped with Costco margarita mix and Banker’s Club tequila. Or my personal favorite a plastic football filled with 55 ounces of beer drank through a straw. What beer you ask? Oh well we have ICEHOUSE or MILLER HIGH LIFE. Excellent choices.

Who the fuck knew they made kegs of Icehouse? That just seems insane. The keg itself has to have cost more than the Icehouse beer inside of it as well as the brewery it was made in.

And there are buffets everywhere.

Everywhere.

At anytime of day or night.

The city certainly knows how to cater towards the whimsy of a drunk at all times. Not only the whimsy, but the true whimsy that no decision the drunk makes will work out for the best. Always heart burn and sore stomachs and sun burn the next morning type of decisions with no money in your wallet and not a coherent caring thought in your head.

Well, time to pack.

I do hurt everywhere.

Like I’m starting to understand what those superheroes who have control over all the cells in their body feel like. Except, but “control over” I mean I can feel every cell in my body because it is in PAIN. Like a dull jabbing pain at all times. Pretty much my whole body is one huge bruise. That’s pretty sexy, right ladies?

I’ll also tell you that when I’m rolling with a dude doing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, that absolutely last thing on my mind is kissing him. I hate to break it to you slash fans, but when I’m fighting a guy – I’m not thinking about making out with him. Generally, I’m thinking about how much I want whatever I’m trying to do to work, how exhausted I am and how whatever he’s trying to do to me I’m hoping won’t work or won’t hurt too much. Those are my thoughts. Also, lingering in the back of my mind is how much sweat smells. Oh God does sweat stink when it is soaked up in a cloth and then jammed into your face.

Luckily, I have not been farted on yet.

There is a high probability of that happening every time you roll, but so far *knock on wood* that hasn’t happened.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that if you are a dude character from a story and you fight another dude character in that story and you start thinking about kissing him in the middle of your fight then you have to be CRAZY GAY leading up to that fight. Like you are George Michael gay. That is gay with a ton of INSANITY. Like you can’t control your bodily urges at anytime where ever. You’re liable to strip naked and attack something with your penis at any given point during the day. Remember, George Michael had sex with a bathroom hand dryer. That’s pretty insane. That is lock you up and throw away the key type of insane. He’s also gay, so he’s CRAZY GAY. If he was straight then he would be CRAZY STRAIGHT.

Well, I just thought about it for a second, if I was rolling with a hot chick – I would probably try to sneak a thousand million kisses into the rolling if she didn’t break my arm or choke me out before hand. That’s still kind of crazy. Either way, I’m saying that you are not some how overtaken by the fact that you are now rolling around with someone and not attracted to them prior and then start thinking – you know what we should kiss.

In conclusion – George Michael fucked a hand dryer in a public men’s bathroom.

What else?

BUNNIES! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAHAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

BUNNIES!!!!!!!!!!

GIVE ME THOSE BUNNIES!!!!!!!

I WANT BOTH OF THEM!!! I NEED BOTH OF THEM!!!! NOT ONLY DO I NEED BOTH OF THEM BECAUSE I WANT WHAT I SEE, BUT BECAUSE THEY PROBABLY HAVE GROWN ATTACHED TO EACH OTHER AND SEPARATING THEM WOULD CAUSE ANXIETY AND I DON’T WANT TO CAUSE THOSE BUNNIES ANXIETY!!! I JUST WANT TO GIVE THEM ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD!!! THAT’S ALL!!! NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK, RIGHT?!!! GIVE THEM HERE!!!!

LOOK AT THEIR NOSES!!!! LOOK AT THEM!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I saw this video the other day. I’m pretty sure this video could win the war on terrorism. We just need to convince the terrorists to watch this video then explain to them that any and all terrorism will make these bunnies sad and make them cease to be and the war would end tomorrow.

BUNNNN NNNNN BBBBBBBUUUUHHHHH NNNNNNUUUUHHHHH IIIIIEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!

What else?

Is that Liz Taylor or Snooki?

The other day I was looking at LIFE.com which is what I do and I saw these of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. In most of the pictures Liz looks great and Rich looks drunk. There were two pictures in particular where Liz looked very much like Snooki.

There is the one above ^^^^ and the one below…

Does this raise your opinion of Snooki?

or

Does it lessen your opinion of Liz Taylor?

That’s the question.

What else?

I was reading a movie website yesterday and Hollyweird is adapting the fantasy sci-fi book series about…

Starring Taylor Kitsch as the titular lead, the film is based on Edgar Rice Burrough’s science fiction series which sees Civil War veteran John Carter transported to the world of Barsoom (the Martian word for their own planet) where he becomes caught up between the different races of warriors who inhabit the red desert.

The movie was going to be called John Carter of Mars, which I think helps set-up the movie pretty well.But Disney is changing the film title to be just John Carter. That is pretty stupid. John Carter? What is that about? I don’t know who John Carter is. He sounds kind of boring actually. He sounds like he would have a pretty straight laced job like doctor. Maybe a general practitioner or a pediatrician. That doesn’t sound like a movie I want to see. Maybe he’s a lawyer. But would you guess John Carter was actually on MARS? Probably not. Probably not because it doesn’t say “on Mars” or “of Mars” in the title.

What sounds like a more interesting movie to you?

Greg Daniels

or

Greg Daniels of Mars

I’m picking number 2. You probably will as well because it has those additional two words that mean he is from a different PLANET!

One rationale given for the title change is that John Carter of Mars is actually the title of the last of the books in the series and the movie will be focused mainly on the first book. But the title of the first book is A Princess of Mars. It’s got that hook with the “of Mars” bit in there that makes people want to know about as opposed to the title being just A Princess. The other rationale for the name change is that Disney is full of idiots.

I’m interested in this movie really for one reason and one reason only – Andrew Stanton. That man directed Wall-E. He also directed Finding Nemo and A Bug’s Life. But he directed Wall-E and this is his first live-action film. I’m looking forward to seeing what he’ll do with actual people.

What else?

I’m leaving for Las Vegas tomorrow.

I’ll be gone for a week.

It is a holiday weekend over here in the States, so I might not have been posting anyway this coming Monday.

I’m not sure what my schedule is going to be like, nor do I know if I’ll be posting, but I’m sure I’ll throw up something or other while I’m out there.

I’m going for the vacation and to see these…

Yes, fights!

I will be rooting for the black guy and the bearded guy if you are wondering.

Anyway… I hope you are having a great day. I’ll post something tomorrow because my flight isn’t until much later in the day.

And…

BUNNIES!!!!!

Apparently, there were some people out there who thought that on Saturday we were all going to:

A. Eat ice cream

B. Take a beginner’s class of Yoga

C. DIE!

If you guessed “C” then you are correct-ah-mundo.

THE RAPTURE

Well, the world was supposed to end on Saturday in those people’s opinions and as far as I can tell it didn’t. I got drunk Saturday night, watched the Mavericks whoop the Thunder, woke up hungover Sunday, watched the Heat beat the Bulls, watched Game of Thrones then signed up for HBO Go to watch next week’s Game of Thrones, but the HBO web site had pretty much crashed, so I took my Ambien and watched Benson Interruption until I passed out.

If that’s the Rapture then I’ve been living in the Rapture MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE.

I do have something to say to those people who were involved in the WRONGNESS of the Rapture. If you were apart of believing in that the Rapture was going to happen then you are now a fucking idiot. If you were apart of convincing people that the Rapture was going to happen then you are now and forever a dickhead. Please follow the next set of instructions to understand fully how you should use those honorifics for the rest of eternity.

Let’s say you are the person who listened and believed and possibly gave all your money to a guy already worth $70 million because you thought the world was going to end at 6pm on Saturday for abso-fucking-lutely no reason at all. You are a fucking idiot. Refer to yourself as a fucking idiot.

Being wrong isn’t the worst thing in the world – depending on what’s it about. The Preakness was on Saturday. If you said you thought Animal Kingdom was going to win then you are wrong. If you said you thought the horse Astrology was going to win then you are wrong and even in some circumstances more wrong than the previous guy because Animal Kingdom did come in second place and there was a much better chance that Animal Kingdom was going to win in general. But you’re both wrong. No shame in being wrong in these circumstances. But if someone asked you who do you think will win the Preakness and you responded 9x Olympic Gold Medalist Carl Lewis – then you’re a fucking idiot.

Carl Lewis isn’t in the race! Carl Lewis is a human being! Not a horse. So he is completely ineligible to be in the Preakness to begin with and even if he somehow was eligible – he wasn’t in the Preakness!

Another example – if someone asked you a month ago who do you think will be the Republican party’s nominee for the Presidential Election in 2012 and your response was Newt Gingrich then I would say you’re an idiot. But you know, stranger things have happened – there is a place for idiocy. If you said that you think Donald Trump would be the Republican candidate then you’re a fucking idiot. Trump?! He was/is the face of corporate business money man EVIL for the past 30 some odd years. He’s been living in New York City for his whole life and you think he is going to garner support in the red states of this America? You’re a fucking idiot.

Oh, I thought the world was going to end on Saturday – I’m a fucking idiot.

Oh, I thought the Thunder would be able to overcome that 20 point deficit in the first quarter to the Mavericks – I’m a huge idiot. But not a fucking idiot like that guy who didn’t think there would be a playoff basketball game because he thought there would be NO WORLD LEFT!

On the other hand, if you convinced other people that the world was going to end and it didn’t you’re a dickhead. Some would say that person is an asshole, but I prefer the term dickhead. I would replace that person’s name in all circumstances for the rest of the time we speak as dickhead. Let’s say the person’s name was Steve. Instead of saying “hey, Steve”, I would say “hey, dickhead.” Another example, “Can you, dickhead, drive me to the post office because oddly enough I have to mail my rent check because the world didn’t end on Saturday and I still have to pay rent for June now, dickhead?” Every time you speak to that person, always end the sentence with dickhead. Do you want to go to the movies, dickhead? How about we go to IHOP for breakfast, dickhead? Want a piece of gum, dickhead? Et cetera. And if dickhead ever responds to you calling them dickhead then just SHOUT RIGHT INTO THEIR FACE – “THE FUCKING WORLD ISN’T OVER AND YOU TOLD ME IT WAS GOING TO BE OVER AND YOU SOMEHOW CONVINCED ME IT WOULD BE OVER BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING IDIOT AND YOU’RE A DICKHEAD BECAUSE OF ALL THAT!”

That should keep them quiet until you use dickhead another 1,000 times. Then rinse and repeat.

By the way, I did watch Game of Thrones this morning on HBO GO.

I’m still battling with the idea of really reading these books. I have them. I’m like 50 pages into the first book. They are pretty different from the show in many respects, but similar in most. One major difference that works so much better in the show than the books is their ages. Everyone is much younger in the books.

Jon Snow “the Bastard” is played by a guy named Kit Harington. In real life according to the internet – Kit is 24. He looks about 24 in the show. I think they may have said he was a little younger, but over 20. In the book, he is FOURTEEN. Yeah, that wouldn’t make as much sense on the show.

Eddard “Ned” Stark is played by Sean Bean who in real life is a newly minted 52 year old. Makes sense. In the book, the head of the Stark Household and Warden to the North and Lord of Winterfell and the Hand of the King and all that good stuff is THIRTY FIVE. Yeah. Doesn’t make too much sense. I guess that in Medieval times with the swords and shields people lived shorter lives and came into power earlier and earlier, but it wouldn’t look good on TV. There are not many 35 year olds that look seasoned and command respect. Fuck that there’s got to be less than 1% of the 14 year olds on this planet that would actually strike the smallest amount of fear in my heart. They better be one of those Puerto Rican 14 year olds who pitch in the Little League World Series who are probably 21, but no one has a real birth certificate for them and since they’re throwing 90 mph and winning games then who gives a crap.

Another weirdly creepy example, Daenerys Targaryen the hot platinum blonde who fucks the big barbarian horse King and whose brother felt her boob in the first episode is played by Emilia Clarke. I can’t get an exact age on the pretty girl, but she’s 23 or 24. She is probably playing a little younger, but clearly she is not some kid. But in the books… THIRTEEN! EWWWWWWWWWW!!!! She’s fucking horse barbarians and having her brother feel her up and she’s THIRTEEN!

Thank God they jacked up these ages.

Every character regardless of how young in the show is younger in the book.

Anyway, I’m glad the Rapture didn’t happen.

I was glad to see the Heat beat the Bulls and go up 2-1 in this series.

I was glad to watch Game of Thrones – and two episodes at that.

I was glad that none of you people died and you could still be alive to read my musings and live life and hopefully one day decide to get back to commenting – oh how we dream!

I was not glad to read that Pirates FOUR made $90 million at the box office. Jesus Christ people! Really?! You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Next weekend, The Hangover II better OBLITERATE the box office.

Unless of course the Rapture happens because those dickheads were only off by a week.

Happy Monday – at least you weren’t killed by divine intervention.

Happy FRIDAY!

My ass hurts. It HURTS. Right now, my ass hurts, my right elbow hurts, my left ankle hurts when I move it and my left forearm is tender. Plus with the change in the weather and pollen everywhere I’m feeling a little sick, so my whole body kind of aches besides that thing I’ve been doing for an hour every morning where I wrestle fight other dudes. Any time I sneeze I feel like somebody liver punched me. It is a great time to be alive… especially since a radio station is claiming that tomorrow is the end of the world. I really hope it isn’t because there is just too much stuff I haven’t done.

Plus, living ain’t so bad. It beats dying.

They’re claiming it is the RAPTURE. As far as I remember from the book of Revelations, Jesus will descend from Heaven looking somewhat like Skeletor in Masters of the Universe when he got the Sun’s power and he was wearing that gold armor. GREATEST END FIGHT SCENE EVER. Hey guys, I know this is “He-Man” and everything, but how about we make this Return of the Jedi? Fuck yeah.

Jesus is going to come down to Earth and just wreck shit. In the process, he’ll take the good to Heaven and the rest will be burned in the lakes of fire from Hell. Something like that will happen. I hope it doesn’t. I don’t want to see Jesus and his sword tongue and so forth.

Now, if it was an apocalypse like zombies. I’m all for that. I’m not saying I’m 100% ready for the zombie apocalypse because right now I’m just typing on a computer and I don’t have a shotgun or a katana with me, but I think I’m pretty prepared in my mind. I think I know what to do as far as a zombie attack. There is a mall only a couple miles up the road, so that worked pretty well for the people in the movies.

Anyway… off topic… let’s get back on topic.

Friday and I have two questions…

‘Whats the temperature in your general vicinity…?’ What the What?

The temperature? It’s like 65 here in Jersey. 65 Fahrenheit. If you’re doing the whole Celsius gag then it is not 65. 65 in Celsius is like the temperature of the Sun hot. Um… in Celsius it is 18. The temp is switching a lot around here because it has been raining a lot off and on. Right now, the Sun is out and it is shining, but off in the distance it looks like the Rapture is coming with those dark clouds. Randomly, thunderstorms just drop on us. But right now it is nice out.

Let’s take a little break for a second from these questions for a Batman update.

The first image of Tom Hardy as Bane from The Dark Knight Rises has been RELEASED:


I’m so fucking excited for this movie.

As we can see in the picture – Tom has gotten muscular again and he’s wearing a mask. Now, in the comic books Bane get super huge when he uses “venom” which is more or less steroids. We’ll have to wait and see if this is as big as Bane gets or is he going to get even bigger. Also, Bane runs the group “League of Shadows” which was seen in the first movie run by Liam Neeson as Ra’s Al Ghul. Bane is muscular and tough, but he is also a genius, so that’s rough for old Bats. There have been pictures leaked from the set in India of what many are assuming is Ra’s Al Ghul’s infamous Lazarus Pit, which is what he uses to stay pretty much immortal.

So… I’m psyched.

I just want to see this damn movie already and I know they just started filming, but I LOVE IT ALREADY.

Everyone wanted the Riddler as the bad guy, but I’m really glad they didn’t go that way. The Riddler is a great concept for a character and I think Jim Carrey played him very well in Batman Forever. The Riddler was also a great character in the Batman Animated Series, but in the comics the Riddler isn’t nearly as tough or as badass. He actually is kind of sniveling. Not saying that Nolan would make a sniveling Riddler, just saying that as far as the comics go – he really isn’t much of a badass. Plus The Joker in Dark Knight kind of did the Riddler gag of setting up traps that Batman had to figure out. Another movie of that would have been pointless. I think Bane should be a nice tone of pace where he is a full frontal assault on Batman. Batman Begins was about creating Batman. The Dark Knight was about facing his first opponent and what that meant for him. This third Batman should be a war. It is Bane plus the League of Shadows. The Joker wanted to create chaos and play with Bats, but Bane will want to destroy him and kill him. Should be great.

Plus the whole Catwoman thing. There hasn’t been a worthwhile chick in these Nolan movies. Hopefully Catwoman will be that. And there is a second chick with Talia Al Ghul in this – Ra’s daughter.

Back to questions…

You’re never fail to make me laugh, which is kinda hot, I wonder if you’re hot?

Well, thank you for at least wondering. That’s a compliment in its own right.

Am I hot? I would say no. For a couple reasons – 1. I’m attracted to women, so generally my opinion of hot is a woman. Like Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton is hot. I don’t really look much like Kate Upton. I mean we’re both white. We both have lighter colored hair. Two arms, two legs, belly buttons and such, but outside of that our similarities stop. As for #2 reason – Also, I’m kind of sick of me and I’m always around me and have seen myself in the most disgusting situations. Like I’m always there when I’m pooping. That couldn’t be good. Like Brazilian actor Rodrigo Santoro is a handsome guy. But if every time he had to take a shit you were there to see it, well he’d probably get a lot less hot. You know?

If this helps any – if I was gay or being described by a gay man I would be a “bear”. I actually love gay men for that. Sincerely. Bears are badass. And from what I’ve been told by various television shows, there are a group of men out there (1/10 to some estimates 1/5) who would naturally consider me a bear. That rules. I wish there was another group of people out there calling me a lion. And then another saying I was an eagle or a snow leopard. Oh fuck that would rule. See that guy over there? Which one? The red bearded white tiger drinking the PBR. THAT WOULD FUCKING RULE. So thanks for that gays. And thanks for Freddy Mercury.

I hope that answered your question, but I’m guessing not.

Um…

I hope the world doesn’t end.

I hope you have a great weekend.

I love you all. Especially if you call me a wild animal name.

Man admits having sex with 1,000 cars

Yep.

We’re getting into this shit today. This ain’t no normal Thursday. This is at the very least a mildly “aggressive” to a fully “aggressive” Thursday. AGGRO! When a man is having sex with 1,000 cars – shit gets a little bit aggressive.

First, what the fuck?!

Yesterday, I don’t know why exactly, but this story about an Edward Smith appearing in the UK’s Telegraph involving his story of molesting four figures of automobiles. Here’s the buzz line… per usual the article is in bold and my whimsical delivery is in regs…

A man who claims to have had sex with 1,000 cars has defended his “romantic” feelings towards vehicles.

Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh. This is going to get weird. Real weird. It already is pretty weird. There really is no where else to go, but weirder as Ed tries to make sense of all this. And when you try to make sense of something that is this weird, well you only make it sound even WEIRDER. Reason being, if there is any “reason” to why you do crazy things then you weren’t “crazy” when you did them. You thought it through. You didn’t just act on some impulse without thinking about it. You didn’t blackout and go into a trance or have your body controlled by aliens. No! In fact, you put a lot of time into preparing all of this and following that you are justifying your actions through some type of logical thought process…

WHICH MAKES YOU FUCKING SUPER CREEPY!

Not only was this an odd article, but it wasn’t even from today’s news cycle…

12:20PM BST 21 May 2008

Yep. Three years ago this article came. Back then Osama Bin Laden was just hanging out in that mansion in Abbottabad and jerking it to all that porn and eating eggs and using nasal sprays and if some kid kicked a soccer ball over the barbwire wall – he wouldn’t return. Just like the terrorist dickhead he is. Jeez, you mastermind the killing of 3,000+ civilians in the US with hi-jacked airplanes AND you won’t give a kid back his soccer ball? What type of MONSTER are you?!

Also, we didn’t know anything about Lady Gaga or Kesha at that time. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE?!

Let’s get into this article.

Edward Smith, who lives with his current “girlfriend” – a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, insisted that he was not “sick” and had no desire to change his ways.

YES! YES! YES! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His GIRLFRIEND is a CAR! Do we even need to go any further? YES! WHAT IN THE FUCK, bud? It’s his girlfriend, which means they’re not engaged or married because that would be silly. With so many cars out there and Vanilla giving up the milk for free, why would he put a ring on it? Also, if you name your daughter a food product then she’s going to be a ho. That’s standard as far as I know. Vanilla? Really? What were her parent’s expecting? Of course she would end up in the Telegraph slutting it up with this semi-homeless looking fella.

“I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love,” he said.

Typical guy. Am I right, ladies? Am I right, lady cars? “Love” just means an erect penis inside you. Pfffft… Honestly, doesn’t it? Isn’t that what the Bible told us? You wait till you fall in love and get married so you can jam parts of yourself into holes of others. Actually, I think “love” could be allowing someone explain some horrible book or horrible TV show or horrible movie they are watching simply because they are involved in it and feel the need to tell you about it even though you really didn’t ask. Oh you’re reading Chevy Chase’s autobiography and you hate it, but you want to tell me about it because you feel the need to keep reading it because you’ve never not finished a book you started? Hmmmm… fair enough, but I’m putting my penis in you right after you finish talking. Deal… go!

“Maybe I’m a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it’s just wonderful.

Ugh… that’s disgusting. He definitely jerks off in the theaters when seeing those movies. Were you thinking about that? Are you thinking about anything else besides that now? Nope.

Ugh, I bet he wears a long tan trench coat and you just see that belt flapping and his face starts to get red and sweaty and his breath labored and then a painful noise like he got punched in the stomach and then he’s asleep from the credits onward of Fast Five.

What’s creepier? The guy who is getting all hot from watching the Herbie remake because of a kid Lindsay Lohan or because of Herbie? It is much easier making sure your kid doesn’t get taken by a stranger than your car getting molested in the parking lot outside. You can’t take your car into the bathroom with you when you or they have to pee. You know?

“I’m a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what’s in my heart and I have no desire to change.”

Just because you know a few power chords and you fuck several hundred cars doesn’t mean you’re a poet or a musician.

He added: “I’m not sick and I don’t want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference.”

He doesn’t want to hurt anyone… OUTSIDE OF THE CARS! Seriously, isn’t it everyone’s worst nightmare right now that the movie Cars is real and this guy is just raping cars? Ooooh that’s disturbing. I may have over done it right then. Nope, could you imagine the redneck retarded pick-up truck and then this weird Brit is humping his tail pipe and the whole time the pick-up truck is calling out to the Owen Wilson race car to help him. That’s worse. Yeah, that’s worse.

Mr Smith, 57, first had sex with a car at the age of 15, and claims he has never been attracted to women or men.

FORTY TWO YEARS! Let’s do this math.

1,000 cars / 42 years = So he’s fucking about 24 cars a year. That just makes me feel sick. Bare minimum he is fucking a different car every two weeks. Seriously, if you live in England with in a 50 mile radius of this Ed Smith – HE’S FUCKED YOUR CAR!

What’s crazier…

To fuck 1,000 different cars?

To fuck 1 car 1,000 different times?

At least in the second scenario, the problem is contained. At this point, it is an epidemic. He is spreading his seed all over our automobiles. So, it’s been three years and he’s had sex with around 75 new cars. This is really a deterrent for me ever moving to England if this guy is still able to get around and  I’m thinking of owning a car. I don’t want to have to worry that Ed Smith is out there fucking my car when out at dinner or at work or wherever. I would never be able to go to a movie and be fully invested into the story knowing this guy could be out there violating my ride.

This next bit is my favorite two sentences ever written. Fuck Tolkein’s “door in the floor” the second sentence coming up is the greatest sentence ever penned.

But his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. He says that his most intense sexual experience was “making love” to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I honestly do not know what to say besides that makes me laugh like no other phrase, idea or anything. He fucked the helicopter for AIRWOLF! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! How can you make this stuff up?! That’s absolutely insane! How is that even possible? Wouldn’t that be in a museum or something? At least a Planet Hollywood? Did he pay off some night watchman with a fistful of $20’s and the security guard is thinking, “what the fuck could he possibly want to do in this place after hours?” Ten minutes the guard peeks around the corner to see this guy humping the helicopter from Airwolf. How could you ever tell that story to someone? How could you ever look at that helicopter again without such shame?

I picture the security guard as tall black security guard from The Office and him looking at this squirrelly Brit with his pants around his ankles and pounding away at the plexiglass door of the helicopter and saying to himself in a huff, “white people” then shaking his head and walking away.


As well as Vanilla, he regularly spends time with his other vehicles – a 1973 Opal GT, named Cinnamon, and 1993 Ford Ranger Splash, named Ginger.

He’s a playah! Don’t hate the player, hate the game that is fucking cars.

Before Vanilla, he had a five-year relationship with Victoria, a 1969 VW Beetle he bought from a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Serves you right, Jehovah’s Witnesses! Stupid Jehovah’s Witnesses! That’s what you get for ringing doorbells early in the morning on weekends trying to get us to read your dumbass Christian books. That’s right, we’re fucking your cars! HAHAH! Where’s your God now when this guy is out drilling your car with his peter?! Am I right?!

By the by, did anyone tell Victoria that Ed was religiously cheating on her? 5 years is 125+ cars. Sorry Vicky.

But he confesses that many of the cars he has had sex with have belonged to strangers or car showrooms.

NO SHIT! That’s a big no shit right there. You think this guy – the guy who fucks cars at a 24 per a year cycle since he was 15 – has an income where he can purchase 1,000 cars. If this guy has lived for any stretch of time longer than 3 years not with his parents when they were alive then “colour” me shocked.

His last relationship with a woman was 12 years ago – and he could not bring himself to consummate it, although he did have sex with girls in his younger days.

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS WOMAN?! I want a full investigation put into place to find and interrogate this woman. I want Navy SEAL Team Six flown in an abduct this woman. She dated a 40+ year old car fucker? They broke up when he was 45, but who knows how long that went on for before then. Also, I’m not sure what type of diseases a girl can catch from car, but let’s hope he was using a condom or something because I would bet that it isn’t good to get turtle wax or motor oil in your vagina.

Mr Smith, from Washington state in the US, kept quiet about his secret fetish for years, but agreed to be interviewed as part of a channel Five documentary into “mechaphilia”. He is shown meeting other enthusiasts at a rally in California.

No fucking way! This dude is American?! What?! Why the hell is the Telegraph writing about this? Well, I’m sorry England. I’ve said a lot of bad shit about you guys throughout the years mostly because I’m American and I don’t give a fuck about your feelings considering history and all plus I’m a guy and I have no accent, so I’m constantly at odds with you cockney accent having Merry Poppins peoples when I’m trying to talk to ladies. Oh he has an accent! Yeah, well I can do a pretty good impression of that accent considering it does sound absolutely cartoony. But I’m sorry for what I assumed earlier. This Ed Smith is my country’s problem. There are 300+ million of us, so there are some outliers in the group. Sorry again. But you are the one giving this guy publicity and making documentaries about him, so you still are apart of the blame.

Also, fucking California.

Talking about how his unusual passion developed, Mr Smith said: “It’s something that grew as a part of me when I was a kid and I could not shake it.

“I just loved cute cars right from the beginning, but over the years it got stronger once I got into my teenage years and was my first having sexual urges.

“When I turned 13 and the famous Corvette Stingray came about, that car was pure sex and just an incredible machine. I wanted it.

“I didn’t fully understand it myself except that I know I’m not hurting anyone and I do not intend to.”

Oh this is all comforting news. He doesn’t “intend” on hurting anyone. Besides the fact that he is going around and raping our automobiles in parking lots and in showrooms. Yeah, that’s not hurting anyone. His semen covering the door handles, tail pipes, gas tanks, and windows of the car doesn’t hurt anyone. Oh, so if you’re living in Washington and you think a bird crapped on your car… don’t worry it’s not bird poop – it’s just good ole’ neighborly Ed Smith jizz.

He added: “There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked and I swear it needs loving.

Ick.

“There have been certain cars that attracted me and I would wait until night time, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them.

FUCK! Seriously, this guy is so weird. STOP IT! Anytime you have to wait at night and creep up to some unsuspecting thing and then you start hug and kissing it – that’s no. “Creep” should not be in your own sexual vocabulary. That’s a bad thing. Bad images.

“As far as women go, they never really interested me much. And I’m not gay.”

Well, that’s good. At least he’s no fag. Whew. I was worried there for a sec- OH WAIT! NO I WASN’T!

What a fucking asshole? “And I’m not gay.” Yeah?! No shit, buddy. Do you know what gay guys do? They fuck gay guys. GUYS! They fuck dudes. They don’t fuck a dude’s car! It’s the dude they have sex with. They have sex with a human being. A member of their species. Not a metal contraption we use to go from one place to another. What a fucking ass. Like at some point through this article I was like “man he really loves fucking cars, I bet he’s a queer.” What are you shitting me? I never thought that. Why would anyone?

Mr Smith is now part of a global community of more than 500 “car lovers” brought together by internet forums.

Great. That’s comforting. They’ve unionized. Probably have websites and everything. Thanks internet! Thanks Al Gore!

Well, that fucked up.

I would love to hear your thoughts about how you think Ed Smith has been having sex with these 1,000 cars.

Below is a template you can use in MS-Paint if you want to create your own little diagram.

Also, any questions for Friday would be great…


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