Did You Know Kristen Stewart Wants IT?

May 3, 2011

GO!

SOME RED CARPET IN NEW YORK CITY OR SOMETHING!

KRISTEN STEWART!

KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT!

RED DRESS!

WANT!

POSES!

Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there for a second. My want was blurring my 20/20 vision. In all honesty, I have about a 5/5 vision. Have you ever stared into the distance on a boiling hot summer day and see the heat lines making everything look like it is underwater? That’s how I see everything. Blursville. It’s the want.

Anyway, I’m glad you’re here. I want to introduce you to my collection of want faces and poses. Never forget the poses. Posing is an art. Want is science. I simply want it more and at more times, that amount is infinite amount of times, than anyone or thing else. As for the posing? I work on them diligently. In front of the mirror, out on the streets, in between takes while filming. Sometimes I even work on my poses during filming. I’m ad-libbing half of my lines in Twilight already. For instance…

What did you say, Ed? What did you, Jacob? What did you say, Alice? I can say that pretty much after everything they say and then they explain to me again what they say in many more words and then I look shocked. That’s almost 85% of my part in the movie. The rest are line reads throw-in by whoever decides to direct the movie that day. Huh? You want me to yell “no”? Ok. NO! Besides that the rest is posing/making faces. Is that guy coming towards me scary? I want him, but I’m afraid. Is that guy coming towards me not scary? I want him, but I’m still kind of afraid because he most likely has super powers where as I’m just an average grade having high school girl who apparently is insatiably attracted to and by creatures from monster movies who are actually big softies who cry and every once and awhile attack women by “accident”.

First pose!

I call this “you’re looking at my leg and I’m looking at you looking at my leg and you are fighting looking at me in the eyes or looking at my leg and I WANT IT!” It’s a long title, but it really gets to the root of what the pose is about. So what do you think of my leg?

Second pose!

I call this “I heard something interesting being said by someone behind me, but I’m not in that conversation, so I’m just trying to gauge who was the interesting talker and I WANT IT!” Also, a long title. This pose can be done in a whole host of outfits. The first pose was really only for outfits where part of your leg is exposed due to a long slit in a dress. It creates the illusion of spying in between your neighbor’s drapes and they’re peaking in and out of rooms naked. It’s a voyeur’s pose. This pose can be done in all outfits. Over the shoulder, 45 degree angle, look curious in a happy way, but not involved with a hint of sadness about that and WANT IT!

Third pose!

I call this the “Natasha Henstridge”. Do you remember Species or Species II or Species III direct-to-video? It’s something Natasha would have done. All back. All nude back action. But your eyes! Your eyes are like gun barrels. Howitzers! They can’t keep their eyes of the NAKED SEX on the back, but the VIOLENCE of WANT in your eyes is causing them FEAR and even more LUST when they gaze upon them! So, it’s a good pose. You have to wear something where you have no clothing on your back like a towel is just covering your front or you’re wearing a bikini top and oops the back tie came undone just as I looked over my should at you with my EYES OF WANT!

Fourth pose!

BAM! Opposite shoulder! Curveball. This is not just a right shoulder posing activity. You can throw this pose over either shoulder. Same authority. But here I’m putting in some advanced posing. I’ve softened the face and opened my mouth a little, which creates an even more alluring and sexual want. But I’ve also decided to dip into the shadows, which makes this appear like a detective noir movie. In this pose, you may be seducing a man who wears a fedora.Regardless of shoulder, shadows, fedoras – always remember to WANT IT!

Sixth pose!

I call this one “this is my butt – don’t you like it?” It’s maybe the shortest title. You could even shorten it to “this is my butt” or “do you like my butt?”. However you feel it most describes the pose for you. I like my butt. It’s not big, which is good because I’m a tiny little thing and if I had a big butt it would look really disproportionate and it would get in the way. I would be constantly knocking things over with my butt. As it is, it’s a cute butt. Like if a puppy were a butt. Like if that girl with the glasses who wore nerdy t-shirts, but really didn’t act like a nerd was a butt. If the whole movie Juno could be turned into a white girl’s butt.

Seventh pose and final pose!

I call this “Don’t lie to yourself, you know you fucking want it, so come and get it!” It’s really a straight forward beginner technique with an advanced level of discipline. It’s not a difficult position, but execution is key. It’s kind of a “show ’em the goods” kind of pose. This is what I’m working with – now make a move, fella. Or lady. Lady-fella. Whatever, ball is in your court. I’m putting it out there. See my want. Smell my pheromones. Suck them in through the nostrils and get them in you. Let them linger. Let them marinade. Then get your shit together and make a move.

The poses have appeared to work too well and I have attracted two suitors… in suits. It’s like I’m one giant magnet of want. I pull you in and I never let go.

POSES!

WANT!

RED DRESS!

KRISTEN STEWART WANTS IT!

KRISTEN STEWART!

SOME RED CARPET IN NEW YORK CITY OR SOMETHING!

GO!

Advertisements

3 Responses to “Did You Know Kristen Stewart Wants IT?”

  1. I don’t understand fashion. But I think I understand that Kristen Stewart Wants It…

  2. cledbo said

    Apologies for my absence from comments – work suuuuuuucks totally hardcore bad yo.

    This fabulousity makes far more sense than Ms Stewarts current fashion choices. First maroon jorts with a lime green bikini, and now this?
    Man, seriously, if I had her body it would be difficult to get me to keep my clothes on at all.

    The fact that I could wear that dress and probably look very similar to Her Holy Wantness is less a testament to how much I look like her (which is not at all) and completely the fault of a dress which hides far too much.

    *gasp* Maybe she’s pregnant?!?!?

    The rest of my comment was starting to turn out as a huge litany of all the things I hate about that dress, so I stopped. For the good of humanity.

    Osama’s dead! That was a nice birthday present, thank you US special forces.

  3. iwantit2 said

    I enjoy reading your creative perspective on Kristen Stewart and her want. We all see what we want to see but thats ok because this is better than a hateful rant;) and we know only unhappy people entertained those site.

    Anyway just wondering if you have ever seen her movie The Runaways, where she played Joan Jet and Welcome to the Rileys where she played a stripper?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: