This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #DOGS

May 6, 2011

I’m tired.

I’ve been rolling around with men all week and I’m tired. I honestly don’t know how you ladies do it. I honestly don’t know how you gay men do it. I honestly don’t know how you men who are not necessarily full blown gay, but are willing to fully blow a gay do it. I don’t know how you men who range anywhere on the Kinsey scale where the number dictates that you are cool with taking some dick do it. I don’t know how you gay women who decide to have a possibly once in a lifetime experience like in the movie Chasing Amy do it.

Anyway, my knuckles are torn.

My knees are covered in rug burn.

My toes are shredded like pulled pork.

I’m of course talking about my new hobby as a fluffer for gay…

Actually, I started taking Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu classes. So, I’m literally putting the “Jew” back in “Jiu-Jitsu”.

It’s tiring, but a lot more interesting and engaging then running on a damn elliptical.

So, there’s that. I’m excited for the weekend. I hope you are all as well.

But first…




Hey guys? Who turned the lights off? Good thing my dog eyes already come including with night vision. Plus I have this back video camera light that shows some light, although the light it shows looks scary like I’m tracking a ghost. I hate ghosts. Anyway, I’m a dog. It’s dark in here. I hope those soldier guys weren’t lying about the bacon strips at the top of this spooky quiet builing.

Did you guys hear the news that may or may not be true that one of the SEAL Team 6 members who killed Bin Laden had a dog with him? A war dog?!

He had the dog strapped to him and jumped out of the helicopter like that. That’s nuts!

How funny is that though? Dogs are hysterical and as well trained as they can be they are generally pretty unprofessional. Always have their tongues hanging out and pissing outside. Lord knows it must’ve been hard keeping the serious tension in that helicopter with half of SEAL Team Six just awwwing over the dog each time it gave them its paw.

Good doggie. Good war doggie. You’re the best war doggie.

Dogs are apparently pretty common in the war effort.

There was a great article published on Wednesday about WAR DOGS that I’m stealing these pictures from.,0

The pictures are absolutely amazing. And how much of a role dogs play in the military is astounding.

These dogs go every where!

What the fuck am I doing? I’M A DOG!

Here we see a dog jumping out of the back of fucking Chinook helicopter into the water below.

YES!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!!


That dog is outfitted with a mask and a life vest. Doggie mask and doggie life vest attached to a doggie jumping out of a Chinook into the awaiting water below. DOGGIE BE CRAZY!

Seriously, the next picture will blow your balls off.

Get your balls ready or get a catcher’s mitt because you’ll need to catch your balls after they’re blown off.

Then I would suggest immediately medical attention to your balls.

Also, if you’re a lady – whatever the equivalent is. Your ovary balls are getting blown out!



That doggie is flying!

Can you fucking believe this is happening?!

The dog is strapped to a military guy’s chest who is making one of those skydive maneuvers that is so high up they require a breathing apparatus and guess the fuck what? The doggie has one too!

The doggie is wearing an oxygen mask and is doing a halo jump or whatever it is called.



Whatever it is it is the coolest.

Seriously, fuck Thor. Fuck him. Fuck him in his stupid British accent. Dogs are jumping out of Chinook helicopters, they’re killing Bin Laden and they’re skydiving. Plus they’re adorable. Chris Hemmsworth is going to get a lot less adorable. Like a lot, but doggies don’t. Hey, Chris what do you want to do tonight? I don’t know. Let’s just get takeout and watch Shark Tank on ABC. And you’re thinking, “fuck that”. Fuck him. It’s Friday night and he wants to get takeout and watch Shark Tank. Fuck Shark Tank. Fuck Chris. And he won’t stop farting. Like he ate Greek food last week how could he still be farting Greek food. It is astounding. Meanwhile, your dog will always be adorable and their farts are funny and they look so sad afterward when you call them on it. If they knew how to control their farts they would. They would hold them, wait until they got outside and then let them rip out of courtesy, but Chris Hemmsworth doesn’t and he’s just being a stupid British dick ripping week old Greek farts.

Seriously seriously, I’ll see Thor this weekend. But dogs are better than Chris Hemmsworth.

I love this game because I’m a dog! He puts on the pillow and then I attack the pillow! I bite and I pull and I snarl and then I get treats because I’m a fucking dog! That’s what you give to dogs! Treats! Giving a human treats is seen as enabling their weight gain, but with dogs it is just giggles. Attack! Attack! Attack! Treats! Treats! Attack! Attack! Attack! Treats! Treats! Sleep! Sleep! Treats! Attack! and so on. That’s my day. That’s my life. I’m a dog!

What the fuck am I doing? I have doggie legs! I can walk, but we’re playing a silly game me and cammo guy. I’m his doggie rocket launcher. PCHEW! wait for it … BOOM! This whole war business is the silliest stuff. We’re walking around. He puts me on his shoulder. He knows I can walk. We play jokes on each other. It’s fun. What the hell am I even doing out here? I’m a dog! Anyway, beats walking. Firing doggie rocket two!

Seems pretty sturdy to me, but what the fuck do I know? I’m a dog. Oh what? You wanted me to look through one of these peeper holes. Oh ok. Well, I don’t think I see anything. There is awful lot of stuff out there that I would love to piss and poop on though. I’ll tell you that. If we’re being honest, I would poop on everything given the opportunity. But it does seem clear out there. No paperboys or mail men or UPS delivery people. All enemies are nowhere to be found. But again, what the fuck do I know? I’m a dog! You might want to get another human in here to check it out just to make sure. Don’t just take my word, a dog’s word for it, and then move on.

Someone throw me the ball! Someone! Anyone! The ball! It’s right by our foot! It’s right there! Just throw it anywhere! I’ll bring it back I swear! Not like that time when you threw it and I pretended not to notice and that ball was lost forever! Not like that time! THROW IT! I’m a dog! I don’t have a gun, so throw me the ball!

I’m the fucking greatest. I’m a dog.

If you did not notice, there were no cats in any of these pictures because they are a far lesser creature.

Moving on dogs are the winner’s team. The patriotic team. The we killed Bin Laden team.

Dogs rule.

Have a great weekend.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you ladies who have been getting down with the sexy time.


7 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #DOGS”

  1. tiffanized said

    It took me a month to convince my pug to go through the dog door, and I still haven’t been able to train him to poop on grass. Don’t dogs naturally poop on grass? Why is this so difficult? Also my Jack Russell pees a little every time someone comes to my house–I can’t imagine what would happen if I threw him out of a plane.

    Man, my dogs need to step up their game.

    • Was your pug a city dog originally? I know city dogs that prefer to go on pavement. Like they’re so much better than the country dogs.

      • tiffanized said

        No, he’s just fat and when he squats the grass tickles his anus. I’m in the process of building him the equivalent of a giant, outdoor litter box.

  2. I’m torn between thinking this is incredible, and thinking it’s sad because WAR DOGS – as badass and awesome as they are – get hurt 😦

    You should write at least one post a week where you talk about dogs because seeing a grown man lose his shit over “silly doggies” sort of makes me day.

  3. cledbo said

    I met a bomb dog a few weeks ago – they get trained with play time. Like, oh doggie you found the bomb/explosive material/blasting cap/whatever, lets play with the ball for 5 minutes! They’re the friendliest fucking creatures ever because they love playing. Good job = I get to do what I want, which is play.
    The only thing that sucks about their life is when they get sploded. That’s not great.
    The HALO dog is nuts. And not nuts as in balls.

  4. IvyRosier said

    Been watching real time and Bill Maher said something about the war dogs having titanium fangs capable of ripping through enemy protective armor. They cost 2,000 a tooth and can easilly make some serious damage… ” a dog with a grill”

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