“Thor” Sucked: The Movie Review
May 9, 2011
Let me begin with a seemingly arbitrary question…
What is the worst “Mummy” movie?
There are three movies in the Mummy franchise featuring Brendan Fraser.
The first Mummy sucked. But the second Mummy was absolutely dreadful and partially insulting. The third Mummy movie I didn’t see. It looked awful and for whatever reason I saw the Mummy spin-off The Scorpion King and that was horrible. Ok, so I saw The Scorpion King because I love The Rock. I love him like he was my uncle. An uncle who I mirror myself after, but never can be as cool as, but who is really dealing with a lot of problems that I don’t know about because I’m too young to understand baby mama drama and I only focus on his motorcycle, million dollar smile and endless stream of half dressed slutty waitresses that pour out of his duplex.
Anyway, I didn’t think I needed to spend any more money on these horrendous movies.
Then I saw Thor.
Whichever the worst Mummy movie is… it’s better than Thor.
No fucking joke.
The Mummy, The Mummy Returns, The Scorpion King and The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor are all ostensibly better than Thor.
Other movies that are better than Thor include…
Twilight… IT’S THAT FUCKING BAD
Some may think I’m being hyperbolic. But the only movie I can really compare how bad Thor is to would be Tron: Legacy.
Sincerely, this movie is terrible. I’m not sure what their point was outside of just making a movie called Thor because the rest of it is just bad. I will honestly admit, I never read Thor the comic book. I was never that into the Marvel Universe outside of X-Men. Thor was definitely a skippable comic in my opinion, but I can’t imagine the comic book was anywhere near as terrible as this movie. If it is faithful to the comic book then that is fucking horrible comic book. Why would you want to make that into a movie?
In all seriousness, after watching Thor, I couldn’t think of a single scene in that movie I would want to relive. Not a single one! Not an “action” scene and not any of the non-action scenes that are mostly just fumbling about with the occasional pseudo science outburst by a human or a completely idiotic outburst by a Norse lord. I cannot for the life of me actually think of a scene that was “good”. Everything, was terrible. As for maybe the movies as a whole is better than the individual parts, I’m not sure Kenneth Branagh or anyone associated with the movie could explain to me what the fucking point of that movie was. What the fuck did I watch? And why? Why did any of that take place? What’s the point in any of it?
My only guess is that when The Avengers movie comes out (and it will fucking suck) that when Thor steps onto screen that people can literally say to themselves, “oh, I remember him from that fucking horrible ass movie about him” instead of just going, “I guess that’s Thor, ok”.
The rest of this will be filled with spoilers.
WHAT I DIDN’T LIKE ABOUT THOR.
I’m probably not going to remember everything, but I’ll try to get some of the big stuff out there…
The VISUALS – All of them. I hated all of them. So, Thor is a good looking dude, fine. And Natalie Portman is good looking, ok. Kat Dennings is good looking, ok. Is there anyone else? Throw them in there if you want. You see about 4 inches of Idris Elba’s face, but if you thought that 4 inches was good looking then maybe throw him in there, but all that aside the movie looked stupid. If you’ve seen the trailers, the movie looks just like that. The visuals and CGI and so forth is again no better than any of The Mummy movies. The Mummy movies are not the top of the food chain by the way. They could be near the bottom. But the visuals are not stunning in the least. The whole of Asgard looks pretty underwhelming I felt. It’s bright and shiny, but it is clearly just some CGI map and nothing about it is breathtaking. It is pretty humdrum.
Sticking to Asgard, the main fixture of the Asgard scenes is the “bifrost”. The bifrost is a teleportation device that is connected to the city by this rainbow bridge. Well, it looks super cheesy. Super. Cheesy. The CGI used to make all of this looks on par with any terribleness from years past. It is not at all thrilling to see the rainbow bridge. As for the actual “bifrost” or “rainbow bridge” – what the fuck are they? And how do they work? MAGIC!
That’s it. Anything that needs to be explained involving Thor is magic. That’s it. The writers did not try to create any explanation deeper than that. The bifrost works because it works. How does it work? It just does. What exactly is the bifrost? It’s this thing and they use it. Why is it called the bifrost? Because that’s its name. What’s wrong with you? It’s magic! Isn’t that explanation enough?!
The bifrost is this link between Asgard and some unpronounceable land of ice where there are the blue skinned and red eyed Frost Giants who appear to be the sole enemies of Thor’s bunch. There is a really terrible opening scene where they show that the Frost Giants and Norse Gods have been fighting all over the Universe including Earth just like the Decepticons and the Autobots.
Ahhhhh!!! It was so fucking bad.
Ok let me try to do this by bullet point dashes –
– The action sucked. All the actions scene were bad. They were unimaginative with Thor smacking bad guys around with his hammer and that’s about it.
– The action scenes were horribly lit and directed. Everything was a quick cut to try and make it seem like so much shit was happening, but you couldn’t see what was happening because the ice planet was all dark blue and the Frost Giants are all dark blue and with the quick cuts who knows what the fuck is going on.
– Thor’s powers are never explained. Seemingly he can do anything. He spends a couple minutes fighting with the Frost Giants and then he decides to do a couple super moves that seemingly wipe out them all with those two moves. Why didn’t he do them from the beginning? Can he do other super moves? What are they? Can he do these super moves wherever regardless of the “realm” they are in? Really? Why?
– Thor’s brother is Loki and seemingly the bad guy of the movie. Loki’s big plan is to screw his brother over in front of his dad to strip him of his powers and send him to Earth, then lure the bad Frost Giants to Asgard, kill their leader, then kill all the Frost Giants…. AND HE’S THE BAD GUY?! WHY?! Why is he the bad guy? Outside of fucking over his brother, he’s the good guy. He defeated the bad guys. I don’t understand how he is the bad guy.
– They try to make Loki the bad guy by Thor OUT OF NOWHERE saying Loki cannot kill the Frost Giants because they are a race and that would be genocide.
Yep. Thor actually fights Loki and defeats him all in the name of helping save the blue skin red eyed ice monsters who he initially wanted to kill because they are the sworn enemy of the Norse and because they recently tried to kill his dad again.
This whole “genocide” of the Frost Giants makes no sense and it reminds me of Tron: Legacy because that was what evil Jeff Bridges tried to do in that movie and pretty much succeeded. I don’t think people, and by people I mean anyone involved in making Thor, get that genociding a “race” of evil ice demons whose sole purpose is to kill cannot be construed in a bad light. It’s as if there was a movie about doctors and one doctor found a serum that could effectively destroy every cancerous cell ever in all of existence and then the other doctor was like “NO! WAIT! THAT’S GENOCIDE!”
I’m sorry, but until the Frost Giants learn to play music or write plays or contribute in any way to civilization than melding with big blocks of ice lying in wait to kill whatever human looking creatures descend upon their planet then who the fuck cares about them? Show me one Frost Giant short movie or one Frost Giant marble statue or one Frost Giant aqueduct. You know? Do they even eat food? They just hang out in ice blocks!
– If you can name all the characters’ names in the movie then you may have wrote the damn thing. They never use anyone’s name in the movie. I don’t remember anyone saying “Loki” until 40 minutes or so into the movie.
– More than half of the characters are completely inconsequential and do absolutely nothing in the movie.
– Thor’s best buds are worthless. Thor is followed around by a rag tag crew of three dudes and one chick. These dudes and chicks are about a millionth as powerful as Thor is and provide him absolutely no support in combat and absolutely no brains outside of it. And again, if you can name them then you must’ve wrote the script because they hardly mention their names.
– One of his buddies is Asian. I don’t care if he is Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Philippino, Vietnamese or whatever – why? WHY is he Asian? Every fucking character in Asgard has a British accent except for one man and that is the Asian guy in Thor’s group. Why is he Asian? I don’t really care that he is Asian, I just want to know why? Why?! Everyone is British in the movie except for him. People made a big deal about Idris Elba who is black playing one of the Norse Lord characters, but he at least has the accent. The Asian guy is actually given a horrendous straight off the boat stereotype accent and it is DAMN NEAR INCONCEIVABLE why he is there. He only has a couple lines, but the lines they give him are straight out of some Charlie Chan movie from the 50’s.
– Loki is never explained. They really don’t explain anything in the movie, but Loki is completely unexplained. Odin (Anthony Hopkins) apparently finds Loki as a baby Frost Giant on their planet and decides to keep him. That only is pretty fucked up and odd. I have no clue if that is apart of the canon, but I tend to doubt it. Regardless, when Odin touches the blue ice baby his skin turns into that of a white child. Why? Why on Earth would that happen? Secondly, why would Loki – who has no biological connection to Odin – have any of those super powers that he has that seem to be comparable to Thor’s. Also, why is he in no way shape or form like an Frost Giant nor shows any Frost Giant abilities minus when he is touched by a Frost Giant his arm turns blue and then back to white. Nowhere does any of this make sense nor does it at all make him a Norse God. Unless there was a scene where Odin fucks a female Frost Giant (which we never saw female Frost Giants by the by) and she produces a half Frost Giant half Norse God child then none of this makes sense nor holds any merit. It is just out right fucking awful.
– Loki as far as I know is Thor’s brother by birth from Odin’s penis and he is the trickster God, which would explain a bit of his ability to make multiples of himself. I guess. Nevertheless, none of this is said in the movie and actually most of what I just said is refuted by the above paragraph of him being a Frost Giant child/stolen orphan.
– Loki can use Odin’s staff. Why? Loki can’t use Thor’s hammer, but he can use Odin’s staff. I find that to be a big old “someone should explain this shit” plothole. Specifically, they make a point in saying that no one can use Thor’s hammer unless the hammer sees that that person has the right virtue or whatever. Anyway, that dealy apparently doesn’t apply to Odin’s spear/staff. That seems absolutely stupid. I don’t care how one wants to describe it, but that is stupid.
– Loki is going to kill all the Frost Giants by jamming Odin’s staff into the bifrost. Ok? Why does that work? Why would that kill all the Frost Giants? Also, if that is all that it took why didn’t Odin do that? If it is because Loki is a Frost Giant and he has some unique ability to kill all the Frost Giants because of that plus the staff or whatever then FUCKING EXPLAIN THAT! As of right now, Loki can use Odin’s weapon and powers because HE CAN and he can kill all the Frost Giants using the teleporter device because HE CAN. And that’s it. No more and a whole lot less.
– At the beginning of the movie, Natalie Portman is with Stellan Skarsgaard and Kat Dennings and they driving through the desert trying to catch some anomaly that Natalie has been tracking on video tape. What’s the anomaly? What does it have to do with the rest of the bullshit in this movie? Was she tracking all the bifrost movement? Why can she see that? She doesn’t have some super powered telescope or anything in the movie, it is what it is that she somehow is seeing these anomalies that are somehow happening close enough to Earth for her to get readings on and then by dumb luck when she is out one night looking for one, THOR comes crashing to Earth. FUCKING SO STUPID.
– Odin banishes Thor to Earth without his powers or hammer. Odin also banishes the hammer to Earth as well – 50 miles from Thor. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? They continually mention that there are all these different realms and Odin decides to punish his son and to do so he strips him of his powers, but he puts those same powers with in an hours drive of him. The only point is that Odin must’ve wanted Thor to gain his powers back pretty quickly, which means it was a pretty overly dramatic punishment.
– There is a scene of I guess New Mexico rednecks trying to pull Thor’s hammer out of the Earth ala The Sword in the Stone. After a good few hours of them drinking and trying to pull the hammer out of the Earth they decide to take a break and go to the diner. At the diner is Thor eating breakfast. The waitress asks the rednecks what they’ve been up to any they say they’ve been trying to pull a “satellite” out of the ground. What? A satellite?! Two things: it looks EXACTLY like a HAMMER and who the fuck thinks they can pick up a satellite by hand? Let’s stick to the first. They literally are holding the hammer by its handle and it’s completely exposed and obviously a hammer and they’ve been doing so for hours, but when questioned on what it is they say it is a satellite. Those men would be the dumbest men who have ever existed ever. IT WAS A HAMMER! There is no human being ever that knows the word “satellite” and not “hammer” and not know what a hammer looks like.
– Thor hears the men say “satellite” and immediately comes to the conclusion it is his hammer. WHAT THE FUCK?! Who hears the word “satellite” and thinks of a hammer?
– The appearance of Clark Gregg and the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents started in Iron Man continued into Iron Man 2 and now they are in this movie. They have served absolutely no purpose in all three movies. They are stupid, they are weak, they get defeated immediately, they provide no solutions or answers, and all they do is eat up screen time. What is the point of this organization in these movies? I know what their point is in the comic books, but in these movies all they do is fail, but they keep living for some reason and keep appearing in the next movies.
– Hawkeye aka Jeremy Renner appears in the movie for no reason for about 2 minutes. What does he do in the movie? Nothing. He doesn’t do anything besides appear on screen… exactly like this whole damn Thor movie. Also, they don’t explain that that is Hawkeye nor who Hawkeye is nor why we should care nor anything, so the only people who would even remotely “understand” what was happening on screen during that period of time were people who read about it on the internet and that’s it. Why would some S.H.I.E.L.D. agent randomly choose a bow and arrow instead of a sniper rifle? Why would there even be the option of a bow and arrow? I’m pretty sure in the barracks of any marine base in Afghanistan when the troops turn to grab a weapon it is all guns and never a bow and arrow. So the filmmakers should have explained any of that. Hawkeye also is incredibly NOT famous, so it wasn’t like people in the theater had a chance to assume it was Hawkeye.
– The movie takes place at best over a 48 hour period of time, which is absolutely stupid.
– Natalie Portman is supposed to be a brilliant scientist who has never heard of Norse Mythology. Ok? Kat Dennings is a college student has also never heard of it.
– The Norse Mythology book that Stellan Skarsgaard randomly gets is mentioned to be in the children’s section. Children’s section? So that’s wrong. Is Roman or Greek mythology also in the children’s section? Because they have some really fucked up myths that children should not be reading.
Ok, I’ve written 3000 words and there is more about the movie that is terrible.
Basically, the movie is a cross between The Mummy and Tron: Legacy. Not a good thing.