Arguably, The Dumbest Movie This Year: REAL STEEL

May 10, 2011

Or you may remember this as “that movie where the guy who plays Wolverine yells ‘bring it’.”

He actually says it like this…

BRING IT!!!!!

With this face…

IT DIDN’T SAVE????!!!!

or

I DON’T KNOW WHAT WE’RE YELLING ABOUT!

or

PIKAW!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, the movie is called Real Steel.

It has quite the random cast of Hugh Jackman, Evangeline Lilly, and Anthony Mackie and probably some other people. Most importantly though the movie features robots. Lots of them. Well, several of them. A bunch. What’s more than 8 and less than 30? A gaggle? A gaggle of robots? A squadron of robots? A buttload? Seriously, how many robots could you fit in your butt? Probably a lot less than 8. I’m going to to guess you can only fit like 2 robots max in your butthole, but if the robots could get into your butt through osmosis then you could probably get like 4 of them in there. So let’s guesstimate there are 20 robots in the movie total. That would mean there are 5 butt loads of robots.

Does anyone of this matter?

Nope because the movie looks horrible.

Actually, between the BRING IT and that paragraph about sticking robots in your butt, I’ve already been more entertaining than that movie will be.

Here’s a look at the ole trailer:

Wow, that looks awful.

If you can sum up any plot of a movie by saying “It’s rock ’em sock ’em robots – the movie!” then it’s fucking AWFUL.

It should have never been made. Not many movies will do well if you say “(obsolete game that is fun for like 30 seconds) – the movie!” It’s “hungry hungry hippos – the movie!” Actually, that would be 100x better. Hippos are dangerous creatures. Especially if they’re the “hungry hungry” variety. It’s “Sorry – the movie! It’s “thumb wrestling – the movie!” It’s “Mastermind – the movie!” What colors are behind that shield? Yellow, blue? Who gives a fuck?! Let’s play Grand Theft Auto and kill some cops and hookers.

Real Steel is “rock ’em sock ’em robots” the movie. It appears the storyline is that a professional boxing between human beings has been usurped by professional boxing between remote controlled robots. Not only does that sound incredible unfeasible, but incredibly stupid. What’s the point of watching robots box? Robots don’t feel pain. Robots don’t care how many times they get punched in the face or ribs. Robots are not overcoming odds. They’re robots! Plus who cares who wins? You’re rooting for a guy with a remote control!

In the movie, Hugh Jackman is a former professional boxer who takes to controlling one of these robots. First of all, you wouldn’t need to know how to box to be good at robot boxing. You would need to be good at using a remote control. The best remote control car drivers in the world are not former professional race car drivers, they’re some nerdy kid who plays with remote control cars all day long. The best guitarist in the world isn’t the best Guitar Hero player ever. In fact, he or she is probably the opposite.

It’s hard to tell in the trailer, but Hugh Jackman and Evangeline Lilly seem to be at a boxing gym with robots and maybe training robots like they’re real boxers. That’s asinine stupid. A human boxer needs to know foot placement and how to use his muscles and so forth with timing to be better. Again, the person who would be best at doing that for a robot boxer would be the person who is best at using a remote control because the robot isn’t learning how to box, nor are you, you’re just learning how to use the damn control.

There is even a shot of Hugh Jackman shadow boxing with the robot. Hopefully, someone off screen is using a remote control to move the robot and quickly tells Hugh Jackman he doesn’t need to do any of this because it is pointless.A robot boxer doesn’t have to worry about shielding its ribs or blocking its head because it doesn’t feel pain. A robot would just walk across the ring and just jackhammer its robot opponent with its fist until its head comes off. There would be no need for “technique” because it is a damn robot.

Besides the absolute lunacy in trying to make a correlation between real boxing and robot boxing… even this stupid robot has a rags to riches story. Why? So there are local robot boxing shows? Why do filmmakers love this idea even though it generally makes no sense? There is robot boxing in town fairs in one scene then robot boxing in some futuristic leather and chains mid-range after hours club (where are these places by the way – they’re in all these movies, but I’ve never seen or heard of one… I guess I’m not cool enough) then there is the big pay day at the stadium show where no doubt the rich guy tries to pull some shady business like paying off Hugh Jackman or whatever.

This movies looks atrocious.

Again, another fine example of the movie studios make whatever the fuck they feel like. Oh yeah, every one has been clamoring for a robot boxing movie that makes no sense.

They really missed the boat in just rehiring the whole cast from Swordfish to make this movie.

The movie comes out in October, so you have plenty of time to acquire whatever hallucinogens needed to actually enjoy this garbage.

Well, done Hugh. Well done.

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One Response to “Arguably, The Dumbest Movie This Year: REAL STEEL”

  1. Yeah, buuuut you’ll probably go see it opening weekend just like you did Thor, so…

    Speaking of movies “based” on games: Battleship!? Dumb.

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