It’s Official The Insitution Of Marriage Is Donesies

May 12, 2011

Earlier this week, the greatest blow to the institution of marriage was struck when Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver called it splitsville.

I’m talking banana splits.

I’m talking their marriage is cupputskies.

It is too horrible to be true, but it is true.

Now I just read that Hayden Pannettiere and Wladimir Klitschko broke up.

Seriously, what chances do we all have if those two couldn’t make it work?

WHY LORD?!

why?

After 18 months of romance and arguably the greatest prince and princess story ever (if you forget about that real prince and princess thing that just happened that “surprisingly” everyone has stopped talking about) is now over.

It is a sadness in my heart. It is a sadness in my heart that will never be filled back to happiness knowing that that pint sized barbie doll who was 19 or 20 when they got together and that giant oaf with a glass chin are never going to produce the wildest offspring.

How will Klitschko or should I say Dr. Steelhammer as his penis is probably known as, how will he ever cope? Probably in the many breastesses of dozens of supermodels like he was nailing before. Oh he will just have to wipe his tears on all those Eastern European beauties’ thongs. Keep your chin up, Wladimir.

As for Hayden? I don’t know. Maybe she’ll find solace in the arms of a guy who… speaks English. Wladdy does speak English, but he speaks like robot English. He also loves magic tricks and playing chess and I doubt either of those were high on Hayden’s to do lists. I get Wlad, that is my card. Now, can we get drunk and see Lady Gaga already!

Arnold and Maria. Poor Arnold and Maria. Or should I say poor insanely rich Arnold and Maria.

Honestly, I wasn’t too surprised by this and not for the reasons many, but not the reason you would expect.

I blame –

AL GORE and TIPPER GORE.

Remember them?

Once those two broke up I kind of expected to see a windfall of political marriages breaking up once the people stopped active duty. Plus, Arnold is going back to movies and we all know those people are just adulterous hedoknightss. Not hedonists, but hedoknights! Their hedonism has reached a near aggressive feudal level where they are conquering one actor or actress after another. Like Ryan Phillippe. He’s living the dream. Just spreading his seed starting up franchises like he is an NBA player in the early 90’s.

Maybe we can form two new couples!

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Hayden Panettiere

and

Maria Shriver and Wladimir Klistchko.

Arnold and Hayden’s last names could form one colossal unpronounceable last name that could lay siege to parts of South East Asia – SCHWARZENETTIERE!!!!!! Remember in Dune when they spoke that gibberish into those voice modulators and the sound waves turned into bullets from their lantern looking guns? HOLY SHIT was that movie stupid or what? Anyway… if Paul Atreides said SCHWARZENETTIERE – I bet that would call forth a sound ATOM BOMB!

Just picturing the two of them having sex right now is both disgusting and disgustingly great. I don’t know. I kind of hope when I’m an over 60 Austrian former body building Champion and ex Governor of California that I’ll be able to convince the chick from the Bring It On straight to DVD sequels to have sex with me. So I’m rooting for you, Terminator.

Side note: I don’t want a Terminator film with Arnold being an old Terminator. Who the hell would make an old Terminator? Why would you want a 60 year old killing machine? That just seems stupid. Who wants a cyborg with wrinkles and old man smell?

As for Maria Shriver and Wladimir, well I think that would do a whole world of good for Wladimir. I think Maria is just the woman to teach Wladimir that killer instinct he needs in the ring. Lord knows Emanuel Steward after all these years hasn’t been able to teach it to him. I bet Maria’s fingernails can grow into admantium talons like that Asian chick in X2. Remember her? They didn’t even giver her a name in that movie. How stupid was that? We had to assume it was Lady Deathstryke, but unless you knew who Lady Deathstryke was then she was just some chick who all of a sudden had Freddy Kreuger hands and was beating up Wolverine. Fuck those movies were dumb. About the only good scene in that movie is Nightcrawler whooping ass in the beginning. The next and last best scene was when Wolverine stuck his claws into that intruder soldier’s ribs. It was badass because who would’ve expected that violence in a PG-13 or whatever movie.

I also don’t find it that creepy imagining Dr. Steelhammer laying the pipe to Maria. I don’t know why.

In conclusion, Gays should get married.

Just let them run butt naked wild with this marriage thing because straights have done fucked it up.

FUCKED IT UP!

What’s the worst the gays could do with it? Divorces? We got those. WE GOT HEAPS OF THEM!

Seriously, about the worst thing anyone could have done with marriage was Henry VIII and that was so damn long ago we turned it into mediocre soap opera TV with boobs and butts on Showtime.

If anything, marriage would suck if it weren’t for gays. Weddings would be so drab and gloomy. Do you want a boring wedding? Hire a straight person. Do you want a wedding that you can rub it into the face of all your girlfriends? Hire a gay dude. Any gay dude. Just get him in there – tell us your ideas, sir!

Furthermore, the “gay” guy on Happy Endings needs to have butt sex with a man on the next episode or he’s not gay. He’s the least gay guy who has ever gayed on any television show ever. He’s funny. I like his character. But if you’re making a point of saying he’s gay then he has to do something gay. Like if they had hired Jon Stewart to play a role on the show and said he was a professional basketball player then I would say BULL SHIT. Sure, I like Jon Stewart and I like seeing him on TV, but he is no basketball player. Dunk, funny man. If you can’t dunk, you can’t play professional basketball. So, that gay guy better get gay.

Also, I really like that show. A lot.

What else?

Season finale of Community tonight as well as Parks and Rec and I think The Office. So WATCH TV!

DON’T GO OUTSIDE! SCREW ALL THAT NOISE! WATCH TV! LAUGH! BE GAY – like in the happy way, but if you’re gay in the having sex with the same sex gay then do that too, but do it in between the commercial breaks or wait until 10pm when Parks and Recs is over because seriously you don’t want to miss that.

Good night.

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One Response to “It’s Official The Insitution Of Marriage Is Donesies”

  1. IvyRosier said

    Two episodes of Parks and Rec, oh why did I have to leave the house today.
    I don’t really care for Arnold but I’ve seen all Heroes episodes. About 4 seasons too many not to care what will happen to little miss who cuts off her own toes.
    What happend to friday questions ? May I ask one ? ..ok I’ll just ask then …
    Would you prefer to be indistructable like Terminator or a immortal and fast regenerator like Claire from Heroes ?

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