Monday? More like Fun-Day! Am I Right? Nope. Wrong.

May 16, 2011

I feel like nothing is going on in the world. Probably because there was that one day recently, it was a Sunday I believe, when the President of the Universe Barack Obama declared that he had OKed a stealth Navy SEAL operation like in the movie Navy SEALS or The Rock or something where the end result was Osama Bin Laden’s head blown off.

It has been kind of mundane ever since.

Oh what? Jim Jarmusch is making a vampire movie? Who the fuck isn’t? Why hasn’t Woody Allen or Penny Marshall made one yet? I’m surprised Robert Altman hasn’t risen from the grave just to make one big ass long ass boring ass ensemble vampire movie that features no script and a whole lot of improv that isn’t funny. We should stop using the word “improv” to describe everything without a script. “Improv” is supposed to be off the cuff comedy and not just people talking with no purpose point or end. I get ALT-MAN that you didn’t like typing on the keyboard, but it ain’t “improv” when I’m just listening to Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep go on and on about something that never happened or some sister that never existed. A Prairie Home Companion could be the most boring movie ever.

Anyway…

They all kind of look like blood sucking vamps, right? I’d bet a $1,000,000 that Jim Jarmusch (the one all the way to the left with white hair) has tasted human blood. And not his own. At some loft party in Brooklyn, he drank another human’s blood as part of a performance piece about the French Revolution. I’m just saying that’s happened. As for Tilda, well she’s drank human blood to get herself more into some role she played. Who knows which one? Who knows if it isn’t for all of them? Fassbender and Hurt? Well, I’m sure both got so drunk on the set of their own lives being all forms European that they ended their night drunk on whiskey and wine in Prague and drank a glass of human blood. As for Mia… she actually is a VAMPIRE! Oh, but she’s the sweetest most cutest vampire evaw.

What else?

That dumbass Pirates movie is coming out this weekend. I will never see eye-to-eye on any subject with a person who goes and sees that movie this weekend by choice. NEVER. I cannot understand you for the life of me. That would be outrageous. If you somehow still enjoy those movies, how do you not just stay home and rewatch one of them instead of seeing this? You know that there isn’t anything NEW at all in this movie. In fact there is actually less. It will be less new than the other movies.

As for me…

Friday night, I saw Bridemaids. Judging by the weekend box office, most of you bitches didn’t see this movie. Why? Why bitches why? Doesn’t make sense to me. Do you know where I’m going to be opening night of The Hangover II? I’m going to be in a motherfucking theater seeing it. Why? Because I’m a dude and that’s a dude comedy movie. I know chicks like it – not saying it doesn’t cross over. But The Hangover is all dudes. Whereas Bridemaids is a chick comedy movie for chicks. Not saying guys won’t like it too – I liked it quite a bit – but the humor is for the chicks. Like, I don’t have a dickhead boyfriend who keeps trying to shove his dick head into my mouth. Jokes about that – although I can recognize them as funny – are not really written for me. So get your vaginas together and see that damn movie.

I liked Bridesmaids a lot. Easily, the funniest movie I’ve seen this year. Laughed more during that than Your Highness. That movie Your Highness was good, but it was clearly half assed in a lot of areas. They were having fun and blah blah blah, but it was a rush job. As for this, Bridemaids is typical Apatow rom-com with lots of comedy especially up front and then a deep sentimental well and then a ridiculous ending. It also reminded me a lot of Wedding Crashers with the story arc.

My only real criticism of the movie is that we lose touch with the ensemble. The beginning is the chick pack getting to know each other, getting into some wildness, making jokes, making us laugh, doing business. At some point, there is a break in that vag gang and it never really comes back together. So, I’m not sure if that was editing or whatever, but we kind of lose track of Ellie Kemper (The Office) and Wendi McLendon-Covey (Reno 911!). Outside of that, it was very funny especially the front half of the film.

A funny moment for me, this doesn’t ruin any plot, but I was very curious who was playing Maya Rudolph’s soon to be husband in the movie. Obviously, she’s the one getting married, so she needs a husband. Also, I knew that Melissa McCarthy (Mike & Molly) was playing the groom’s sister. So I was just curious who it was? That mystery man was Tim Heidecker! YES! Tim Heidecker from Tom Goes to the Mayor and Tim and Eric Awesome Show and other stuff! I just found that really funny. I don’t even think he has a line in the movie. But good for him getting a pay check. Why not?

Lastly, I would suggest guys see this movie with their chicks. My reasoning is for Jon Hamm’s character in it. Although, there is a low probability you are more attractive than Jon Hamm there is an even lower probability that you are a bigger asshole than Jon Hamm in this movie. So, that’s pretty good. I think it’s pretty easy to look like a good dude after Jon Hamm’s performance in the flick.

What else?

I’m watching Drive Angry 3D and I’m a little less than half way through it. So far – thumbs up.

It isn’t bad. I would definitely have changed some stuff. Nicolas Cage is giving an underwhelming performance so far. He is kind of too laid back and underplaying everything. I get that he is supposed to be a badass, but it’s just coming across as not the best. Cage’s best work is him playing over the top. He’s an over the top actor, so having him undersell his lines seems counter productive to me. William Fichtner has been top notch quirky great in his few scenes – I’m excited to see more of him through out this. The action is pretty descent. It’s better than a lot of the action in a lot of the movies I’ve seen recently so kudos to them on that so far, hoping it gets better.

But… you know who is great in it…

Amber fucking Heard.

She is absolutely gorgeous to begin with, but seriously she is doing a great job in this movie. She’s fucking into it. I’ve only seen her in a few things – Pineapple Express, Zombieland, Friday Night Lights (I don’t remember her in it), and Never Back Down – and from what I’ve seen is she is fucking into it. She’s acting. She’s not too cool for it and she’s pretty good at comedy. She’s also real physical like in Zombieland. Besides the “I want to see her in bikinis always” superficial aspect, she puts a lot of energy into what she’s doing.

I know that acting is fucking CRAZY DORKY. If you really sit back and think about it – it’s just bullshit make believe. I don’t care how many millions of dollars are spent and so forth – it is just goofy bullshit and when you’re making it it really feels like bullshit. It takes shape in the editing room when they fix the coloring, put it in order, add music and sound effects and all that when it gets serious. But for actors, they’re doing fucking the goofiest bullshit ever, but they really need to take it seriously. Fucking get into it. They have to really get into what they’re doing. If they take themselves too seriously then they’re lost. They need to strip down and be ridiculous.

I’ve read on Amber’s IMDB that she’s from Texas – well, she’s letting that accent out in this movie. I don’t know if she actually has an accent or she had to train herself for this one, but she’s selling the fuck out of the accent. I’m buying this hot Southern chick with an attitude from her. So, so far so good.

What the hell is there to talk about?

I got drunk Saturday night.

15 beers, 3 frozen margaritas, and 3 shots of Jameson – drunk.

What did I have to eat? Shared one of those Hormel pepperoni, cheese and crackers things with a couple friends. That was about it. The rest – BOOZE.

Drunk.

Went to 4 bars. Saw a friend from college I hadn’t seen since college and so on and so forth.

Whatevs.

WHAT SHOULD I TALK ABOUT?!

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3 Responses to “Monday? More like Fun-Day! Am I Right? Nope. Wrong.”

  1. I was disappointed to learn that a fellow vagina — and not just any vagina, but one of my dearest vaginas — didn’t see Bridesmaids because she was seeing Thor. Fucking Thor! This, even after I’d warned her repeatedly against doing so. It’s like nobody listens to me even though I’m obviously always right about everything ever ever ever. I have been foresaken.

    And yes, see it with your chick. Because not only will you look like a debonair gentleman in comparison to Jon Hamm, but you’re also seeing a chick flick — one that’s a lot better than Something Borrowed or Water for Elephants, might I add — so that will earn you some brownie points. And I’m sure she’s gone and seen total sausagefests like Fast Five and Thor just to spend time with you, so really you should just do it anyway before she nags you to death.

  2. Nikki said

    I enjoy your random rambles…. So ramble on dear sir. No need to be subject specific.

  3. Ann said

    I would like a nasty posty about digusting things, becouse I’m evil and I like sick things.
    Ps. I liked Thor.

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