Instead Of Using The Term “Remake”, They Should Just Call It A “Bastardization””

May 17, 2011

Or… instead of the term “remake” they should call it what it really is:

“nothing like the original, but the title is the same and maybe some character names to simply trick you into seeing this and/or just to say ‘we shit on the original'”.

I think that is more appropriate.

For instance, I just read they are “remaking” Bloodsport.

In all honesty, I believe anyone who even so much as thinks of remaking Bloodsport should be executed in the streets via acid bath. Just tie them up. Get a clawfoot tub from the erectile dysfunction ads, fill it full of acid – whichever you prefer, and then throw the person into said acid bath. If the acid is not flesh eating strong enough then just drown them in it. Fair enough?

But this so called “remake” sounds nothing like Bloodsport minus the name Bloodsport.

The original Bloodsport was about an American soldier named Frank Dux who is a life long martial artist. He decides to go to Hong Kong to participate in a secretive tournament called the Kumite. The tournament is brutal and people have died fighting in it. Meanwhile, two military officers are sent to stop Dux from fighting. Dux cuts his time between eluding the military officers, having sex with a hot blonde reporter covering the Kumite and, of course, fighting in the Kumite.

The “remake” is this:

ScreenDaily reports that Phillip Noyce (Salt) will direct a remake of the 1988 Jean-Claude Van Damme-starrer Bloodsport, to be written by Robert Mark Kamen.

The site says “the story will follow an American who goes to Brazil to recover from the violence he has experienced in Afghanistan who gets involved in a martial arts contest.”

First thing first, Salt sucked.

I’m not sure if you noticed, but nowhere in this bold italic does it say “Hong” or “Kong”. It does say Afghanistan and Brazil. So, there is no Kumite in Brazil.

Now, it is widely known that Bloodsport is “based on a true story” in which it is a wildly fabricated version of a true story. So this “remake” is basically like remaking A Beautiful Mind and changing all the settings and moving it to a modern day and age. Just a wildly fabricated original story and then a remake that is even more wildly fabricated and has nothing to do with the original.

Nothing against Brazil – because I love it with meus bracos – but it’s a pretty violent place. Not to say it is as violent as being a soldier in Afghanistan, but if you’re trying to ESCAPE violence then you might not want to go to a country of 180 million people known for some violence.

While recovering from violence, he seeks out most likely a bare knuckle vale tudo (anything goes) contest? Makes a world of sense.

If I were recovering from violence, I would probably start a hobby like painting or napping. I probably wouldn’t add in the violence of fighting another dude with my fists, feet and elbows in a ring or a cage. Just a suggestion.

Anyway, the writer actually has a decent list of movies he has written, but it will be up to Salt to make it good or not.

But my main question – no remake of Bloodsport would be faithful unless there is the graphic male nudity shot from behind in it. Jean Claude Van Damme is ass naked from behind in the movie. For whatever reason, in the 80’s and into the early 90’s action films all had one scene … one scene of man ass that could not be explained. Mel Gibson, Patrick Swayze, even Denzel Washington all showed off their bare naked asses in the middle of movies that were 100% geared toward men. That’s really just how amazing the 80’s were I guess.

What else?

Arnold Schwarzenegger had a “remake” secretly 10 years ago with a staffer aka The Terminator knocked up an employee a decade ago and now we’re just finding out about it.

I want to see this kid.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has great genes and of his legitimate children with Maria – they got some good looking kids. Have you seen his one daughter – the one who wrote the book about weight loss or self-esteem or about Predator being the best movie ever? I can’t remember exactly what the book is about, but it’s most certainly about one of those topics. Back to the question? Have you seen her with your peepers?

Great looking. Tall and powerful. Like a younger Ivanka Trump except with a father you don’t want to throw into an acid bath.

That really would be a tough sell if Ivanka Trump and I were together. I think her father is a scumbag, but I think she is an uncrowned princess of industry and thankfully she looks hot like her mother.

What else?

Not a remake, but an adaptation – I saw some quotes about Kristen Stewart in On the Road.

I want to be behind this movie 100%. I really do. I love this book. I LOVE ON THE ROAD. Love it.

I also love Walter Salles. More importantly, I love Motorcycle Diaries.

Generally speaking, if you have ever read On the Road, I think you should come away with the opinion this would work much better as a mini-series. The chapters are naturally set up with cliff hanger endings and so forth. Also, I think a big part of the On the Road book is that it isn’t one trip across the country. It isn’t even two. It is many trips. Many trips that start and stop and get splintered and end where they shouldn’t have and start up out of nowhere. It is a series of time where Kerouac wasn’t simply “on the road” – it was a time of self-discovery as he experienced pockets of life and not just “the road”. It is as much a book about traveling as it is a book about staying in one place.

Also, with the many changes of scenery and tone it fits better for a mini-series. Think about how Band of Brothers really would have been a billionth as good if it was a movie. It makes so much more sense as a show. Instead of just them training, we get a full episode dedicated to them in boot camp and training and the whole episode is gearing towards the final drop and when the episode ends and they have jumped out of the plane, but we don’t know what will happen to them there is a cliffhanger, there is drama, there is a conclusionary moment where you are wondering truly WHAT IS NEXT and you have to wait a full week to find out or click forward on Netlfix or whatevs. But there is a definite end. That would make much more sense in On the Road. When Moriarty dumps Paradise – BOOM end of episode. WHAT’S NEXT?! WHAT’S SAL SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?! OH I NEED TO KNOW! In a movie, you find out half a second later, which kind of defeats the drama.

I really hope two things are in On the Road – cotton picking and Mexico ending.

If they’re staying truthful to the book then they need both, but I fear they won’t have either or maybe just a couple seconds of it. I really look at those two parts of the book the real outlaw moments. No one would have guessed either of those moments were in the book when they started reading it. They almost don’t make sense in the book, but at the same time they show the lengths to which Sal was willing to go to live life. Sure, he got drunk in Denver. Sure, he got drunk in San Francisco. Sure, he got drunk, danced to jazz music and stole cars with his friend and had sex. Yeah, and I’m sure all of that happens in Grease for the most part. But at no point in any 50’s movie with Brando or whatever is there a moment when this white college boy becomes a field hand and starts living in a tent picking cotton. That’s just CRAZINESS.

I also don’t like Jim Sturgess as Sal. I just don’t get the feeling he’s going to be what I want. Kerouac played football – Jim Sturgess doesn’t look like he played football. He looks like Toby Maguire had a love child with Joshua Jackson. And his movie with Anne Hathaway called One Day makes me want to shove rusty nails into people’s brains including my own.

What else?

I get why gay guys are in such great shape now.

After a couple weeks of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu it makes 100% sense. BJJ is absolutely exhausting. So follow this logic:

If BJJ is exhausting…

If BJJ is basically two guys humping on the ground…

Then two guys humping is exhausting.

So, let’s define a gay sex session as 10 minutes.

Like the sex part. The foreplay – who knows. Sometimes with a girl foreplay could take days. Are we going to go beyond this? Are we just comfortable here? What’s the frequency Kenneth? You know all that stuff. With gay guys I would imagine foreplay lasts as long as it takes to get a pair of jeans unbuttoned or unzipped or whatever. I feel like gays like the button fly, but don’t quote me on that. Actually, I need the press – quote me on it.

Anyway, 10 minutes of fucking. Like the actual penetration into orifices bit. Let’s say 10 minutes. From start to glazed donut.

I’m not exactly sure of the statistical research, but I would imagine one gay sex session is equivalent to 20 minutes of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. So it is a 2:1 ratio. Two gay sex session is 40 minutes of BJJ.

Usually when you roll BJJ it is in 5 minute groups. 5 minutes of BJJ is tiring shit. So gay sex is 4 rolls.

Fuck, they’re in good shape. Seriously, I’m glad I’m not gay just for that fact alone. The rest of the gay community would really look down on my lack of abs. Seriously, gays you’re just supposed to like penis – not make me feel bad about my love of cake. What a bunch of dick… lovers. Plus, girls want to hang out with them more than straight guys.

What am I getting at?

I don’t know.

In conclusion – remakes are not “re”-“making” anything. They’re just making some other fucking movie and the peeing on some other movie’s original title.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has great genes.

Kristen Stewart wants IT and I want to see cotton picking in On the Road and the Mexican whore house ending.

Gays need to get fat. Girls, start baking for your gays. Fatten those dudes up. It will make everyone feel much better about themselves.


6 Responses to “Instead Of Using The Term “Remake”, They Should Just Call It A “Bastardization”””

  1. teamedward&jacob said

    You’re never fail to make me laugh, which is kinda hot, I wonder if you’re hot?

  2. Nikki said

    There’s a Friday question for you Jordan. ‘Whats the temperature in your general vicinity…?’ What the What?

  3. UhOh said

    “I also don’t like Jim Sturgess as Sal.”

    Sam Riley is playing Sal.

    But IT’s not about fact-checking. Want to comment on Sam Riley instead (copy/paste)?

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      Yeah?… whatever another Brit. Trade one for the other and my thoughts are pretty much the same. I thought Sturgess was playing Sal? My mistake. Whatever. Again, Sam Riley is being picked to look like the brooding writery type, but Jack Kerouac played football – he was a running back in high school and got offered scholarships from many schools for it. He was the All-American man in that regard. Riley, Sturgess… whatever. They choose a brooder because he wrote brooding, but that’s not entirely who he was. My same thoughts apply basically. Kerouac became a brooder later on in life and in On The Road he was still that All-American boy with optimism.

      Who knows?! Riley could knock it out of the park. I didn’t particularly like “Control”. It was too by the numbers romance in my opinion.

      • UhOh said

        A high number of “Whatevers” per paragraph in your reply – very telling! Gives a clue that the male leads don’t really matter in “On the Road”…virtually all of the book’s devotees will not be pleased, regardless.

        Perhaps Miss Stewart will put in a good performance and salvage IT for you.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        The “whatevers” has more to do with me trying not to sound too cynical. Also, I’m not bought and sold on movies based on actors – to me the movie depends on the director mostly. It’s more fun to discuss the actors just because they will be the ones on screen and they usually are a lot more attractive than the directors. Plus directors are an enigma. So, with “On the Road”, I put my faith in the project with Walter Salles. I’m rooting for it to do well – just saying I’m a little iffy on these choices of guys and they are that movie.

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