This Guy Must Love “The Fast and The Furious” Movies

May 19, 2011

Man admits having sex with 1,000 cars

Yep.

We’re getting into this shit today. This ain’t no normal Thursday. This is at the very least a mildly “aggressive” to a fully “aggressive” Thursday. AGGRO! When a man is having sex with 1,000 cars – shit gets a little bit aggressive.

First, what the fuck?!

Yesterday, I don’t know why exactly, but this story about an Edward Smith appearing in the UK’s Telegraph involving his story of molesting four figures of automobiles. Here’s the buzz line… per usual the article is in bold and my whimsical delivery is in regs…

A man who claims to have had sex with 1,000 cars has defended his “romantic” feelings towards vehicles.

Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh. This is going to get weird. Real weird. It already is pretty weird. There really is no where else to go, but weirder as Ed tries to make sense of all this. And when you try to make sense of something that is this weird, well you only make it sound even WEIRDER. Reason being, if there is any “reason” to why you do crazy things then you weren’t “crazy” when you did them. You thought it through. You didn’t just act on some impulse without thinking about it. You didn’t blackout and go into a trance or have your body controlled by aliens. No! In fact, you put a lot of time into preparing all of this and following that you are justifying your actions through some type of logical thought process…

WHICH MAKES YOU FUCKING SUPER CREEPY!

Not only was this an odd article, but it wasn’t even from today’s news cycle…

12:20PM BST 21 May 2008

Yep. Three years ago this article came. Back then Osama Bin Laden was just hanging out in that mansion in Abbottabad and jerking it to all that porn and eating eggs and using nasal sprays and if some kid kicked a soccer ball over the barbwire wall – he wouldn’t return. Just like the terrorist dickhead he is. Jeez, you mastermind the killing of 3,000+ civilians in the US with hi-jacked airplanes AND you won’t give a kid back his soccer ball? What type of MONSTER are you?!

Also, we didn’t know anything about Lady Gaga or Kesha at that time. CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE?!

Let’s get into this article.

Edward Smith, who lives with his current “girlfriend” – a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, insisted that he was not “sick” and had no desire to change his ways.

YES! YES! YES! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

His GIRLFRIEND is a CAR! Do we even need to go any further? YES! WHAT IN THE FUCK, bud? It’s his girlfriend, which means they’re not engaged or married because that would be silly. With so many cars out there and Vanilla giving up the milk for free, why would he put a ring on it? Also, if you name your daughter a food product then she’s going to be a ho. That’s standard as far as I know. Vanilla? Really? What were her parent’s expecting? Of course she would end up in the Telegraph slutting it up with this semi-homeless looking fella.

“I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love,” he said.

Typical guy. Am I right, ladies? Am I right, lady cars? “Love” just means an erect penis inside you. Pfffft… Honestly, doesn’t it? Isn’t that what the Bible told us? You wait till you fall in love and get married so you can jam parts of yourself into holes of others. Actually, I think “love” could be allowing someone explain some horrible book or horrible TV show or horrible movie they are watching simply because they are involved in it and feel the need to tell you about it even though you really didn’t ask. Oh you’re reading Chevy Chase’s autobiography and you hate it, but you want to tell me about it because you feel the need to keep reading it because you’ve never not finished a book you started? Hmmmm… fair enough, but I’m putting my penis in you right after you finish talking. Deal… go!

“Maybe I’m a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it’s just wonderful.

Ugh… that’s disgusting. He definitely jerks off in the theaters when seeing those movies. Were you thinking about that? Are you thinking about anything else besides that now? Nope.

Ugh, I bet he wears a long tan trench coat and you just see that belt flapping and his face starts to get red and sweaty and his breath labored and then a painful noise like he got punched in the stomach and then he’s asleep from the credits onward of Fast Five.

What’s creepier? The guy who is getting all hot from watching the Herbie remake because of a kid Lindsay Lohan or because of Herbie? It is much easier making sure your kid doesn’t get taken by a stranger than your car getting molested in the parking lot outside. You can’t take your car into the bathroom with you when you or they have to pee. You know?

“I’m a romantic. I write poetry about cars, I sing to them and talk to them just like a girlfriend. I know what’s in my heart and I have no desire to change.”

Just because you know a few power chords and you fuck several hundred cars doesn’t mean you’re a poet or a musician.

He added: “I’m not sick and I don’t want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference.”

He doesn’t want to hurt anyone… OUTSIDE OF THE CARS! Seriously, isn’t it everyone’s worst nightmare right now that the movie Cars is real and this guy is just raping cars? Ooooh that’s disturbing. I may have over done it right then. Nope, could you imagine the redneck retarded pick-up truck and then this weird Brit is humping his tail pipe and the whole time the pick-up truck is calling out to the Owen Wilson race car to help him. That’s worse. Yeah, that’s worse.

Mr Smith, 57, first had sex with a car at the age of 15, and claims he has never been attracted to women or men.

FORTY TWO YEARS! Let’s do this math.

1,000 cars / 42 years = So he’s fucking about 24 cars a year. That just makes me feel sick. Bare minimum he is fucking a different car every two weeks. Seriously, if you live in England with in a 50 mile radius of this Ed Smith – HE’S FUCKED YOUR CAR!

What’s crazier…

To fuck 1,000 different cars?

To fuck 1 car 1,000 different times?

At least in the second scenario, the problem is contained. At this point, it is an epidemic. He is spreading his seed all over our automobiles. So, it’s been three years and he’s had sex with around 75 new cars. This is really a deterrent for me ever moving to England if this guy is still able to get around and  I’m thinking of owning a car. I don’t want to have to worry that Ed Smith is out there fucking my car when out at dinner or at work or wherever. I would never be able to go to a movie and be fully invested into the story knowing this guy could be out there violating my ride.

This next bit is my favorite two sentences ever written. Fuck Tolkein’s “door in the floor” the second sentence coming up is the greatest sentence ever penned.

But his wandering eye has spread beyond cars to other vehicles. He says that his most intense sexual experience was “making love” to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

I honestly do not know what to say besides that makes me laugh like no other phrase, idea or anything. He fucked the helicopter for AIRWOLF! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! How can you make this stuff up?! That’s absolutely insane! How is that even possible? Wouldn’t that be in a museum or something? At least a Planet Hollywood? Did he pay off some night watchman with a fistful of $20’s and the security guard is thinking, “what the fuck could he possibly want to do in this place after hours?” Ten minutes the guard peeks around the corner to see this guy humping the helicopter from Airwolf. How could you ever tell that story to someone? How could you ever look at that helicopter again without such shame?

I picture the security guard as tall black security guard from The Office and him looking at this squirrelly Brit with his pants around his ankles and pounding away at the plexiglass door of the helicopter and saying to himself in a huff, “white people” then shaking his head and walking away.


As well as Vanilla, he regularly spends time with his other vehicles – a 1973 Opal GT, named Cinnamon, and 1993 Ford Ranger Splash, named Ginger.

He’s a playah! Don’t hate the player, hate the game that is fucking cars.

Before Vanilla, he had a five-year relationship with Victoria, a 1969 VW Beetle he bought from a family of Jehovah’s Witnesses.

Serves you right, Jehovah’s Witnesses! Stupid Jehovah’s Witnesses! That’s what you get for ringing doorbells early in the morning on weekends trying to get us to read your dumbass Christian books. That’s right, we’re fucking your cars! HAHAH! Where’s your God now when this guy is out drilling your car with his peter?! Am I right?!

By the by, did anyone tell Victoria that Ed was religiously cheating on her? 5 years is 125+ cars. Sorry Vicky.

But he confesses that many of the cars he has had sex with have belonged to strangers or car showrooms.

NO SHIT! That’s a big no shit right there. You think this guy – the guy who fucks cars at a 24 per a year cycle since he was 15 – has an income where he can purchase 1,000 cars. If this guy has lived for any stretch of time longer than 3 years not with his parents when they were alive then “colour” me shocked.

His last relationship with a woman was 12 years ago – and he could not bring himself to consummate it, although he did have sex with girls in his younger days.

WHO THE FUCK IS THIS WOMAN?! I want a full investigation put into place to find and interrogate this woman. I want Navy SEAL Team Six flown in an abduct this woman. She dated a 40+ year old car fucker? They broke up when he was 45, but who knows how long that went on for before then. Also, I’m not sure what type of diseases a girl can catch from car, but let’s hope he was using a condom or something because I would bet that it isn’t good to get turtle wax or motor oil in your vagina.

Mr Smith, from Washington state in the US, kept quiet about his secret fetish for years, but agreed to be interviewed as part of a channel Five documentary into “mechaphilia”. He is shown meeting other enthusiasts at a rally in California.

No fucking way! This dude is American?! What?! Why the hell is the Telegraph writing about this? Well, I’m sorry England. I’ve said a lot of bad shit about you guys throughout the years mostly because I’m American and I don’t give a fuck about your feelings considering history and all plus I’m a guy and I have no accent, so I’m constantly at odds with you cockney accent having Merry Poppins peoples when I’m trying to talk to ladies. Oh he has an accent! Yeah, well I can do a pretty good impression of that accent considering it does sound absolutely cartoony. But I’m sorry for what I assumed earlier. This Ed Smith is my country’s problem. There are 300+ million of us, so there are some outliers in the group. Sorry again. But you are the one giving this guy publicity and making documentaries about him, so you still are apart of the blame.

Also, fucking California.

Talking about how his unusual passion developed, Mr Smith said: “It’s something that grew as a part of me when I was a kid and I could not shake it.

“I just loved cute cars right from the beginning, but over the years it got stronger once I got into my teenage years and was my first having sexual urges.

“When I turned 13 and the famous Corvette Stingray came about, that car was pure sex and just an incredible machine. I wanted it.

“I didn’t fully understand it myself except that I know I’m not hurting anyone and I do not intend to.”

Oh this is all comforting news. He doesn’t “intend” on hurting anyone. Besides the fact that he is going around and raping our automobiles in parking lots and in showrooms. Yeah, that’s not hurting anyone. His semen covering the door handles, tail pipes, gas tanks, and windows of the car doesn’t hurt anyone. Oh, so if you’re living in Washington and you think a bird crapped on your car… don’t worry it’s not bird poop – it’s just good ole’ neighborly Ed Smith jizz.

He added: “There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked and I swear it needs loving.

Ick.

“There have been certain cars that attracted me and I would wait until night time, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them.

FUCK! Seriously, this guy is so weird. STOP IT! Anytime you have to wait at night and creep up to some unsuspecting thing and then you start hug and kissing it – that’s no. “Creep” should not be in your own sexual vocabulary. That’s a bad thing. Bad images.

“As far as women go, they never really interested me much. And I’m not gay.”

Well, that’s good. At least he’s no fag. Whew. I was worried there for a sec- OH WAIT! NO I WASN’T!

What a fucking asshole? “And I’m not gay.” Yeah?! No shit, buddy. Do you know what gay guys do? They fuck gay guys. GUYS! They fuck dudes. They don’t fuck a dude’s car! It’s the dude they have sex with. They have sex with a human being. A member of their species. Not a metal contraption we use to go from one place to another. What a fucking ass. Like at some point through this article I was like “man he really loves fucking cars, I bet he’s a queer.” What are you shitting me? I never thought that. Why would anyone?

Mr Smith is now part of a global community of more than 500 “car lovers” brought together by internet forums.

Great. That’s comforting. They’ve unionized. Probably have websites and everything. Thanks internet! Thanks Al Gore!

Well, that fucked up.

I would love to hear your thoughts about how you think Ed Smith has been having sex with these 1,000 cars.

Below is a template you can use in MS-Paint if you want to create your own little diagram.

Also, any questions for Friday would be great…


Advertisements

3 Responses to “This Guy Must Love “The Fast and The Furious” Movies”

  1. Ann said

    Well I asked for a disgusting post and here it is. Thank you.
    I haven’t laugh so much since I dropped my enemy’s toothbrush in to the toilet. I have to say “it” wasn’t just creepy, oddly enough it also made me think about all the everyday items that may or may not be covered in jizz at that precise time. Also the unique adaptability that our species seems to have mastered, and a lot of gratitude for being a foreigner to this bastard from Washington.

  2. Nix said

    Once again you have left me wordless. WHAT THE WHAT?!?!

  3. this is really scary, SINCE I LIVE IN WASHINGTON!!!!!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: