This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #55

May 20, 2011


My ass hurts. It HURTS. Right now, my ass hurts, my right elbow hurts, my left ankle hurts when I move it and my left forearm is tender. Plus with the change in the weather and pollen everywhere I’m feeling a little sick, so my whole body kind of aches besides that thing I’ve been doing for an hour every morning where I wrestle fight other dudes. Any time I sneeze I feel like somebody liver punched me. It is a great time to be alive… especially since a radio station is claiming that tomorrow is the end of the world. I really hope it isn’t because there is just too much stuff I haven’t done.

Plus, living ain’t so bad. It beats dying.

They’re claiming it is the RAPTURE. As far as I remember from the book of Revelations, Jesus will descend from Heaven looking somewhat like Skeletor in Masters of the Universe when he got the Sun’s power and he was wearing that gold armor. GREATEST END FIGHT SCENE EVER. Hey guys, I know this is “He-Man” and everything, but how about we make this Return of the Jedi? Fuck yeah.

Jesus is going to come down to Earth and just wreck shit. In the process, he’ll take the good to Heaven and the rest will be burned in the lakes of fire from Hell. Something like that will happen. I hope it doesn’t. I don’t want to see Jesus and his sword tongue and so forth.

Now, if it was an apocalypse like zombies. I’m all for that. I’m not saying I’m 100% ready for the zombie apocalypse because right now I’m just typing on a computer and I don’t have a shotgun or a katana with me, but I think I’m pretty prepared in my mind. I think I know what to do as far as a zombie attack. There is a mall only a couple miles up the road, so that worked pretty well for the people in the movies.

Anyway… off topic… let’s get back on topic.

Friday and I have two questions…

‘Whats the temperature in your general vicinity…?’ What the What?

The temperature? It’s like 65 here in Jersey. 65 Fahrenheit. If you’re doing the whole Celsius gag then it is not 65. 65 in Celsius is like the temperature of the Sun hot. Um… in Celsius it is 18. The temp is switching a lot around here because it has been raining a lot off and on. Right now, the Sun is out and it is shining, but off in the distance it looks like the Rapture is coming with those dark clouds. Randomly, thunderstorms just drop on us. But right now it is nice out.

Let’s take a little break for a second from these questions for a Batman update.

The first image of Tom Hardy as Bane from The Dark Knight Rises has been RELEASED:

I’m so fucking excited for this movie.

As we can see in the picture – Tom has gotten muscular again and he’s wearing a mask. Now, in the comic books Bane get super huge when he uses “venom” which is more or less steroids. We’ll have to wait and see if this is as big as Bane gets or is he going to get even bigger. Also, Bane runs the group “League of Shadows” which was seen in the first movie run by Liam Neeson as Ra’s Al Ghul. Bane is muscular and tough, but he is also a genius, so that’s rough for old Bats. There have been pictures leaked from the set in India of what many are assuming is Ra’s Al Ghul’s infamous Lazarus Pit, which is what he uses to stay pretty much immortal.

So… I’m psyched.

I just want to see this damn movie already and I know they just started filming, but I LOVE IT ALREADY.

Everyone wanted the Riddler as the bad guy, but I’m really glad they didn’t go that way. The Riddler is a great concept for a character and I think Jim Carrey played him very well in Batman Forever. The Riddler was also a great character in the Batman Animated Series, but in the comics the Riddler isn’t nearly as tough or as badass. He actually is kind of sniveling. Not saying that Nolan would make a sniveling Riddler, just saying that as far as the comics go – he really isn’t much of a badass. Plus The Joker in Dark Knight kind of did the Riddler gag of setting up traps that Batman had to figure out. Another movie of that would have been pointless. I think Bane should be a nice tone of pace where he is a full frontal assault on Batman. Batman Begins was about creating Batman. The Dark Knight was about facing his first opponent and what that meant for him. This third Batman should be a war. It is Bane plus the League of Shadows. The Joker wanted to create chaos and play with Bats, but Bane will want to destroy him and kill him. Should be great.

Plus the whole Catwoman thing. There hasn’t been a worthwhile chick in these Nolan movies. Hopefully Catwoman will be that. And there is a second chick with Talia Al Ghul in this – Ra’s daughter.

Back to questions…

You’re never fail to make me laugh, which is kinda hot, I wonder if you’re hot?

Well, thank you for at least wondering. That’s a compliment in its own right.

Am I hot? I would say no. For a couple reasons – 1. I’m attracted to women, so generally my opinion of hot is a woman. Like Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton is hot. I don’t really look much like Kate Upton. I mean we’re both white. We both have lighter colored hair. Two arms, two legs, belly buttons and such, but outside of that our similarities stop. As for #2 reason – Also, I’m kind of sick of me and I’m always around me and have seen myself in the most disgusting situations. Like I’m always there when I’m pooping. That couldn’t be good. Like Brazilian actor Rodrigo Santoro is a handsome guy. But if every time he had to take a shit you were there to see it, well he’d probably get a lot less hot. You know?

If this helps any – if I was gay or being described by a gay man I would be a “bear”. I actually love gay men for that. Sincerely. Bears are badass. And from what I’ve been told by various television shows, there are a group of men out there (1/10 to some estimates 1/5) who would naturally consider me a bear. That rules. I wish there was another group of people out there calling me a lion. And then another saying I was an eagle or a snow leopard. Oh fuck that would rule. See that guy over there? Which one? The red bearded white tiger drinking the PBR. THAT WOULD FUCKING RULE. So thanks for that gays. And thanks for Freddy Mercury.

I hope that answered your question, but I’m guessing not.


I hope the world doesn’t end.

I hope you have a great weekend.

I love you all. Especially if you call me a wild animal name.

3 Responses to “This Week In Kristen Stewart Wants IT #55”

  1. tiffanized said

    Coming out of the woodwork and risking my very yob to say that for many reasons Jordan is hot. And a bear. And a red bearded white tiger. Which is why I read every day even though I can’t comment and don’t get to read the comments because I’m at mork.

  2. cledbo said

    I’m with Tiff – Jordan = hot, mork = suck.

    I just ate a whole box of BBQ Shapes. On the tax-payers dime, haha! Not that we have dimes. And the tax-payers didn’t pay for the yummy baked crackers, just my time while I ate them whilst waiting for something to happen at mork. I have been at mork since 7am today (Sunday) though, so the tax-payers totally owe me.

    Your post on the car sodomist was so disturbing I couldn’t comment. And I have been reading, really truly, but ref above the whole mork=suck equation again. Love you!

  3. Ann said

    I’m naturally attracted to gay men. My first big crush was John Barrowman -that guy is force of sexual desires.

    If by a bear you mean a man with love handles and a bear belly, I don’t have a problem with that. But if it means that you sleep for 100 days, wake up irritated and in want for stealing picnic baskets, I don’t have a problem with that either… as long as it’s not my basket :p
    so how much of a hairy beast are you?

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