Think About It – No Rapture, No Problemo.

May 23, 2011

Apparently, there were some people out there who thought that on Saturday we were all going to:

A. Eat ice cream

B. Take a beginner’s class of Yoga

C. DIE!

If you guessed “C” then you are correct-ah-mundo.

THE RAPTURE

Well, the world was supposed to end on Saturday in those people’s opinions and as far as I can tell it didn’t. I got drunk Saturday night, watched the Mavericks whoop the Thunder, woke up hungover Sunday, watched the Heat beat the Bulls, watched Game of Thrones then signed up for HBO Go to watch next week’s Game of Thrones, but the HBO web site had pretty much crashed, so I took my Ambien and watched Benson Interruption until I passed out.

If that’s the Rapture then I’ve been living in the Rapture MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE.

I do have something to say to those people who were involved in the WRONGNESS of the Rapture. If you were apart of believing in that the Rapture was going to happen then you are now a fucking idiot. If you were apart of convincing people that the Rapture was going to happen then you are now and forever a dickhead. Please follow the next set of instructions to understand fully how you should use those honorifics for the rest of eternity.

Let’s say you are the person who listened and believed and possibly gave all your money to a guy already worth $70 million because you thought the world was going to end at 6pm on Saturday for abso-fucking-lutely no reason at all. You are a fucking idiot. Refer to yourself as a fucking idiot.

Being wrong isn’t the worst thing in the world – depending on what’s it about. The Preakness was on Saturday. If you said you thought Animal Kingdom was going to win then you are wrong. If you said you thought the horse Astrology was going to win then you are wrong and even in some circumstances more wrong than the previous guy because Animal Kingdom did come in second place and there was a much better chance that Animal Kingdom was going to win in general. But you’re both wrong. No shame in being wrong in these circumstances. But if someone asked you who do you think will win the Preakness and you responded 9x Olympic Gold Medalist Carl Lewis – then you’re a fucking idiot.

Carl Lewis isn’t in the race! Carl Lewis is a human being! Not a horse. So he is completely ineligible to be in the Preakness to begin with and even if he somehow was eligible – he wasn’t in the Preakness!

Another example – if someone asked you a month ago who do you think will be the Republican party’s nominee for the Presidential Election in 2012 and your response was Newt Gingrich then I would say you’re an idiot. But you know, stranger things have happened – there is a place for idiocy. If you said that you think Donald Trump would be the Republican candidate then you’re a fucking idiot. Trump?! He was/is the face of corporate business money man EVIL for the past 30 some odd years. He’s been living in New York City for his whole life and you think he is going to garner support in the red states of this America? You’re a fucking idiot.

Oh, I thought the world was going to end on Saturday – I’m a fucking idiot.

Oh, I thought the Thunder would be able to overcome that 20 point deficit in the first quarter to the Mavericks – I’m a huge idiot. But not a fucking idiot like that guy who didn’t think there would be a playoff basketball game because he thought there would be NO WORLD LEFT!

On the other hand, if you convinced other people that the world was going to end and it didn’t you’re a dickhead. Some would say that person is an asshole, but I prefer the term dickhead. I would replace that person’s name in all circumstances for the rest of the time we speak as dickhead. Let’s say the person’s name was Steve. Instead of saying “hey, Steve”, I would say “hey, dickhead.” Another example, “Can you, dickhead, drive me to the post office because oddly enough I have to mail my rent check because the world didn’t end on Saturday and I still have to pay rent for June now, dickhead?” Every time you speak to that person, always end the sentence with dickhead. Do you want to go to the movies, dickhead? How about we go to IHOP for breakfast, dickhead? Want a piece of gum, dickhead? Et cetera. And if dickhead ever responds to you calling them dickhead then just SHOUT RIGHT INTO THEIR FACE – “THE FUCKING WORLD ISN’T OVER AND YOU TOLD ME IT WAS GOING TO BE OVER AND YOU SOMEHOW CONVINCED ME IT WOULD BE OVER BECAUSE I’M A FUCKING IDIOT AND YOU’RE A DICKHEAD BECAUSE OF ALL THAT!”

That should keep them quiet until you use dickhead another 1,000 times. Then rinse and repeat.

By the way, I did watch Game of Thrones this morning on HBO GO.

I’m still battling with the idea of really reading these books. I have them. I’m like 50 pages into the first book. They are pretty different from the show in many respects, but similar in most. One major difference that works so much better in the show than the books is their ages. Everyone is much younger in the books.

Jon Snow “the Bastard” is played by a guy named Kit Harington. In real life according to the internet – Kit is 24. He looks about 24 in the show. I think they may have said he was a little younger, but over 20. In the book, he is FOURTEEN. Yeah, that wouldn’t make as much sense on the show.

Eddard “Ned” Stark is played by Sean Bean who in real life is a newly minted 52 year old. Makes sense. In the book, the head of the Stark Household and Warden to the North and Lord of Winterfell and the Hand of the King and all that good stuff is THIRTY FIVE. Yeah. Doesn’t make too much sense. I guess that in Medieval times with the swords and shields people lived shorter lives and came into power earlier and earlier, but it wouldn’t look good on TV. There are not many 35 year olds that look seasoned and command respect. Fuck that there’s got to be less than 1% of the 14 year olds on this planet that would actually strike the smallest amount of fear in my heart. They better be one of those Puerto Rican 14 year olds who pitch in the Little League World Series who are probably 21, but no one has a real birth certificate for them and since they’re throwing 90 mph and winning games then who gives a crap.

Another weirdly creepy example, Daenerys Targaryen the hot platinum blonde who fucks the big barbarian horse King and whose brother felt her boob in the first episode is played by Emilia Clarke. I can’t get an exact age on the pretty girl, but she’s 23 or 24. She is probably playing a little younger, but clearly she is not some kid. But in the books… THIRTEEN! EWWWWWWWWWW!!!! She’s fucking horse barbarians and having her brother feel her up and she’s THIRTEEN!

Thank God they jacked up these ages.

Every character regardless of how young in the show is younger in the book.

Anyway, I’m glad the Rapture didn’t happen.

I was glad to see the Heat beat the Bulls and go up 2-1 in this series.

I was glad to watch Game of Thrones – and two episodes at that.

I was glad that none of you people died and you could still be alive to read my musings and live life and hopefully one day decide to get back to commenting – oh how we dream!

I was not glad to read that Pirates FOUR made $90 million at the box office. Jesus Christ people! Really?! You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Next weekend, The Hangover II better OBLITERATE the box office.

Unless of course the Rapture happens because those dickheads were only off by a week.

Happy Monday – at least you weren’t killed by divine intervention.

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8 Responses to “Think About It – No Rapture, No Problemo.”

  1. tiffanized said

    I have speculated that the rapture did actually happen but so few people were good enough to get into heaven that we haven’t noticed them gone yet.

    I think I was kind of worried about the rapture. Not in a “prayerful” way, or a “stocking up on guns and canned goods” way, but in a “nervously checking the clock until about 4:30 p.m. eastern when the tequila kicked in and I started screaming ‘BRING IT’ at the sky” way. I blacked out until 10 or so when I woke up to point out that the world didn’t end, then ate a sandwich and had sex. All in all a great rapture drill. I think I’ll do it again next week.

  2. I wonder how many dudes out there convinced their ladies to have unprotected Rapture Sex? I bet we’ll see a rash of births in late February 2012. And probably a few will see another kind of rash in a few days if you know what I’m sayin’. STD’S! Hilarious!

    Do animals get raptured? Because I feel like a good sign of rapture shit going down will be lots of doggies flying up into the air. If the idea is that only the truly good are saved or whatever, then it’s 100% doggies and 0% people.

    • tiffanized said

      There was actually a dude in New England who set up a business to take care of raptured people’s pets. So I’m guessing at least a portion of those expecting to get raptured don’t believe their pets are going with them. I have to wonder if the people went back to pick up their pets post-unrapture or if they are too embarrassed to reclaim them.

      Having been a bible student my ownself I believe that animals don’t sin, so they automatically get into heaven (there is the part where I assume animals have souls, which a lot of people don’t, but those people have obviously never known a dog). So technically they should get raptured, which would make the post-rapture world a remarkably quiet and poop-free place, if you don’t mind all the weeping and gnashing of teeth.

      • kristenstewartwantsit said

        Dog spelled backwards is goD, so they don’t get Raptured.

      • “They” also say animals have no sense of time. Which my dog disproves daily when he starts begging for “dessert” promptly at 8:00 every day.

        If there are no dogs in heaven, I’m not interested. I also hope there’s ice cream and vodka. And air conditioning.

    • kristenstewartwantsit said

      I’ve never had an STD. Clean bill of health – always. I did have to get tubes in my ears when I was three because I had a lot of ear infections. I had to be put under anesthesia to get the surgery done obviously, and the doctor had me choose a flavor of anesthesia gas and I chose “strawberry”. I remember the surgeon/doctor telling me to count backwards from 100 – 0 and I didn’t get past 95 before I was unconscious. I have no idea what “my earliest” memory is, but I remember that whole scenario vividly.

      Story time over.

  3. Ann said

    How is it possible that in my unbelievably religious country we don’t have raptures? I’m kinda envy of this, It’s sounds like a fun holiday to me. “Rapture” -apocalyptic, zombie horror movie , “The great rapture” -christian drama, mini series. It would be so cool to spend one day as if tomorrow was the end of the world, and tomorrow just get high. Oh wait, that’s going to be 2012.

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