I Have An Annoucement, I Hurt Everywhere. Actually, That’s Not The Announcement

May 24, 2011

I do hurt everywhere.

Like I’m starting to understand what those superheroes who have control over all the cells in their body feel like. Except, but “control over” I mean I can feel every cell in my body because it is in PAIN. Like a dull jabbing pain at all times. Pretty much my whole body is one huge bruise. That’s pretty sexy, right ladies?

I’ll also tell you that when I’m rolling with a dude doing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, that absolutely last thing on my mind is kissing him. I hate to break it to you slash fans, but when I’m fighting a guy – I’m not thinking about making out with him. Generally, I’m thinking about how much I want whatever I’m trying to do to work, how exhausted I am and how whatever he’s trying to do to me I’m hoping won’t work or won’t hurt too much. Those are my thoughts. Also, lingering in the back of my mind is how much sweat smells. Oh God does sweat stink when it is soaked up in a cloth and then jammed into your face.

Luckily, I have not been farted on yet.

There is a high probability of that happening every time you roll, but so far *knock on wood* that hasn’t happened.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that if you are a dude character from a story and you fight another dude character in that story and you start thinking about kissing him in the middle of your fight then you have to be CRAZY GAY leading up to that fight. Like you are George Michael gay. That is gay with a ton of INSANITY. Like you can’t control your bodily urges at anytime where ever. You’re liable to strip naked and attack something with your penis at any given point during the day. Remember, George Michael had sex with a bathroom hand dryer. That’s pretty insane. That is lock you up and throw away the key type of insane. He’s also gay, so he’s CRAZY GAY. If he was straight then he would be CRAZY STRAIGHT.

Well, I just thought about it for a second, if I was rolling with a hot chick – I would probably try to sneak a thousand million kisses into the rolling if she didn’t break my arm or choke me out before hand. That’s still kind of crazy. Either way, I’m saying that you are not some how overtaken by the fact that you are now rolling around with someone and not attracted to them prior and then start thinking – you know what we should kiss.

In conclusion – George Michael fucked a hand dryer in a public men’s bathroom.

What else?

BUNNIES! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAHAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

BUNNIES!!!!!!!!!!

GIVE ME THOSE BUNNIES!!!!!!!

I WANT BOTH OF THEM!!! I NEED BOTH OF THEM!!!! NOT ONLY DO I NEED BOTH OF THEM BECAUSE I WANT WHAT I SEE, BUT BECAUSE THEY PROBABLY HAVE GROWN ATTACHED TO EACH OTHER AND SEPARATING THEM WOULD CAUSE ANXIETY AND I DON’T WANT TO CAUSE THOSE BUNNIES ANXIETY!!! I JUST WANT TO GIVE THEM ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD!!! THAT’S ALL!!! NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK, RIGHT?!!! GIVE THEM HERE!!!!

LOOK AT THEIR NOSES!!!! LOOK AT THEM!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I saw this video the other day. I’m pretty sure this video could win the war on terrorism. We just need to convince the terrorists to watch this video then explain to them that any and all terrorism will make these bunnies sad and make them cease to be and the war would end tomorrow.

BUNNNN NNNNN BBBBBBBUUUUHHHHH NNNNNNUUUUHHHHH IIIIIEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!

What else?

Is that Liz Taylor or Snooki?

The other day I was looking at LIFE.com which is what I do and I saw these of Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. In most of the pictures Liz looks great and Rich looks drunk. There were two pictures in particular where Liz looked very much like Snooki.

There is the one above ^^^^ and the one below…

Does this raise your opinion of Snooki?

or

Does it lessen your opinion of Liz Taylor?

That’s the question.

What else?

I was reading a movie website yesterday and Hollyweird is adapting the fantasy sci-fi book series about…

Starring Taylor Kitsch as the titular lead, the film is based on Edgar Rice Burrough’s science fiction series which sees Civil War veteran John Carter transported to the world of Barsoom (the Martian word for their own planet) where he becomes caught up between the different races of warriors who inhabit the red desert.

The movie was going to be called John Carter of Mars, which I think helps set-up the movie pretty well.But Disney is changing the film title to be just John Carter. That is pretty stupid. John Carter? What is that about? I don’t know who John Carter is. He sounds kind of boring actually. He sounds like he would have a pretty straight laced job like doctor. Maybe a general practitioner or a pediatrician. That doesn’t sound like a movie I want to see. Maybe he’s a lawyer. But would you guess John Carter was actually on MARS? Probably not. Probably not because it doesn’t say “on Mars” or “of Mars” in the title.

What sounds like a more interesting movie to you?

Greg Daniels

or

Greg Daniels of Mars

I’m picking number 2. You probably will as well because it has those additional two words that mean he is from a different PLANET!

One rationale given for the title change is that John Carter of Mars is actually the title of the last of the books in the series and the movie will be focused mainly on the first book. But the title of the first book is A Princess of Mars. It’s got that hook with the “of Mars” bit in there that makes people want to know about as opposed to the title being just A Princess. The other rationale for the name change is that Disney is full of idiots.

I’m interested in this movie really for one reason and one reason only – Andrew Stanton. That man directed Wall-E. He also directed Finding Nemo and A Bug’s Life. But he directed Wall-E and this is his first live-action film. I’m looking forward to seeing what he’ll do with actual people.

What else?

I’m leaving for Las Vegas tomorrow.

I’ll be gone for a week.

It is a holiday weekend over here in the States, so I might not have been posting anyway this coming Monday.

I’m not sure what my schedule is going to be like, nor do I know if I’ll be posting, but I’m sure I’ll throw up something or other while I’m out there.

I’m going for the vacation and to see these…

Yes, fights!

I will be rooting for the black guy and the bearded guy if you are wondering.

Anyway… I hope you are having a great day. I’ll post something tomorrow because my flight isn’t until much later in the day.

And…

BUNNIES!!!!!

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2 Responses to “I Have An Annoucement, I Hurt Everywhere. Actually, That’s Not The Announcement”

  1. Do you think you could keep “rolling” if you got farted on? I can tell you right now that I could not. I would be laughing too hard. Like the kind of laughter where you laugh so much that you cry and get weak and you can’t move any of your muscles. Mentally I’m still 8, and farting is still funny and so are people falling down.

    You know who goes on vacation? Assholes, that’s who. Assholes and perverts. So have fun keeping company with assholes and perverts. I’ll just be over here. Working. Not vacationing with assholes and perverts.

    Anyway, have fun and stuff.

    P.S. THOSE BUNNIES ARE RIDICULOUS.

  2. Thanks for that update on the “John Carter” movie. The novel was orginally published in 1903 (as I recall) and was Edgar Rice Burroughs’ first. “Tarzan of the Apes” was his second! The Carter series ran through 9 books and one short story. In fact, the original title was “Under the Moons of Mars” and was later changed to “A Princess of Mars”, as in it Carter first meets his princess and future wife, Dejah Thoris. (My pick for the role would be Kelly “The Scorpion King” Hung… but I wasn’t casting!) It went on to a foundational trilogy with “The Gods of Mars” and “The Warlord of Mars”… culminating with Carter becoming essentially the King of Kings. It’s a really good yarn, if you’re into old fashioned romance/action. Completely dated, of course- but so what? You’re right, though, in that they should have stuck to the title “John Carter of Mars”. “Mars” still has a romantic ring to it, even since the Space Age.

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