Tomorrow starts the festival of lights… err July. Tomorrow starts JULY.

And in July there are these things called “MOVIES”. “MOVIES” are very similar to the “movies” that are in every other month of the year, but in July everything is BIGGER and BRIGHTER and SEXIER. It’s not that much bigger or brighter or sexier, but if you can dream it, you can will it, and build it and make it happen and then July is the sexiest BBW month on this 12 month calendar. What do you think about that, America?!

Anyway, I am highlighting I believe all the “major” releases for the month of July today and tomorrow. I threw in one “indie” documentary because it features a man – a man I have fond feelings for. A man that I speak very highly of.  A man I have seen twice in person. Once in the presence of Fat Joe and the other time in the presence on an unknown Asian associate. The Asian was unknown to me, but seemingly very well known to him… him either meaning this mythical man I speak and/or the Asian himself. I gather the Asian had known himself. Anyway, there are some indie movies coming out this month, but you may not live anywhere near an indie theater, so who gives a fuck. Secondly, lets not kid ourselves, we only care about the “blockbusters” with the beautiful people who enunciate. All those smelly mumblers and skinny jeans kids can go have circle jerks by themselves behind dumpsters in Brooklyn drinking an IPA out of a can with a trout on it.

So… movies?

Larry Crowne

BOOM!

Fucking what’s up. Tom Hanks yall. Get your pussy ready yall cause T Hank is here. Big swinging dick Tom Hizzle. T. Hanks the King of Spanks…sin bitches. Spankin’ bitches. Tom Hanks is spanking bitches. Drop yo’ pants. Bend over the knee. Open the palm, lick that palm and WHACK! … … … I have little to no clue what that was about! But Tom Hanks is GANGSTA!

Anyway, normally I stay away from movies that Julia Roberts is in. I tend to vomit when watching her movies and I have been known to attack innocents after viewing movies of hers. But this movie features Tom Hanks. On the other hand, I see all movies that feature Tom Hanks. Except for the Polar Express because the CGI in that movie was horribly creepy. It looked like the end of Silence of the Lambs when Anthony Hopkins cuts that guys face off and then wears it for his own face (basically the plot of Face/Off), that’s what all of Polar Express looked like to me. They all had cut someone else’s face off and now was wearing it and no one seemed creeped the fuck out by it except me.

Tom Hanks is in this movie in human form, which means it will be great. Also, Tom Hanks directed this movie. He’s done some directing – mostly TV and, of course, That Thing You Do. He is a multi-talented dude. As for Julia Roberts, well she’s not the central character clearly. Tom is. Tom is Larry Crowne and the movie is called Larry Crowne. I expect it to be cheesy sentimental at parts, but I like the look of the movie. Tom Hanks does comedy really well and he has surrounded himself with a lot of comedians and a lot of young actors in this movie. I think it should be good. It was written between Tom and Nia Vardalos – the lady behind that My Big Fat Greek Wedding movie.

Anyway, the movie looks good – you should see it. Supporting Tom Hanks is always the right decision when going to the movies.

But I want to talk about the sexiness of Tom Hanks for a minute. Right now, you’re all denying that Tom Hanks is a very doable dude. Funny, smart, intelligent, successful, rich… if he was a hunchback with three heads then you would still want to hit that because of the other stuff. I’m not saying Tom has ripped abs (he did in Cast Away, mind you), but the man is about everything else a woman could want. Is he ugly? No. Is he decently attractive? Definitely. Is he creep? No way. Also, right now in watching this movie – we’re buying the idea that he could score Julia Roberts. Julia Roberts would be LUCKY to have Tom Hanks’ penis inside her. Look through his movies and look at his co-stars/love interests – it is not crazy to think he would score any and all of those ladies. Meg Ryan? Definitely. Darryl Hannah? Of course. Catherine Zeta-Jones? Dude – yeah. She’s sexing up grandpa Michael Douglass. Antonio Banderas? Yes and Yes. Who would be a better companion? Tom Hanks or Melanie Griffith? T… HANKS! Thank you… you’re welcome… good night.

Monte Carlo

Three pretty ladies… in a movie that’s been made ONE BILLION times before. Go to one of those dollar bins in a DVD store and grab just about any of those rom-com teen movies like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants or First Daughter or any of those garbage movies that are little more than a made-for-TV-movie and watch that at home with alcohol instead of spending $10 on this with $10 popcorn. The movie seems to be telling the story of three hot piece of ass friends who aren’t too busy getting drunk and doing shots and clubbing and doing E and making terrible decisions fucking their tour guide in Spain and catching the clap or whatever it is the girls do, but say they don’t do. These girls are instead having a G-rated time in Europe and then Selena Gomez is mistaken for a Princess (which happens all the time I imagine) and then they’re taken on a “romantic” adventure to Monte Carlo being mistaken for Princesses and such.

First of all, what the hell are these fine ass bitches doing hanging out? Katie and Leighton are 6 years older than Selena. That’s a pretty big age gap especially for the young ages. But who cares I guess? It’s all about Princes and jewelry and servants!

The romance… the romance of having a fine young prince who kisses hands and is proper and has no interest in slapping your cheeks with erect royalty. He dresses sharp and his hair is just so and he gives you tiaras and is never like “how about we go make out in the coat room and you give me a handy?”. He dances the waltz ever so rightly and he knows which fork is to eat salads and when it is time to go to bed he curls up into a ball and waits for his boyfriend to come and bang him furiously from behind. That’s right. He’s gay. Anyway… all this romance is about having a gay attache and dressing in expensive clothes to show off how much money you have and if that wasn’t enough you have glorified slaves waiting on you hand and foot.

Romance? It’s called the downfall of humanity that we had to evolve pass to achieve a middle class in this country.

True romance is a working democracy, a higher minimum wage, universal healthcare, a whiskey so strong it burns your nose hairs, a bacon cheeseburger so good it drains you of serotonin for a week, a dog at your feet, and someone to share it with who makes you salivate with lust at the slightest touch. AGGRESSIVE THURSDAY.

Beats, Rhymes & Life: The Travels of a Tribe Called Quest

I point out this movie because I love Michael Rapaport. So, I’m not sure how many of you care about this, but I doubt you really care about me talking about Tom Hanks spanking girls asses either… nevertheless, Michael Rapaport is the fine fellow that I believe should meet aliens if aliens are to be met. If aliens are to land on this Earth within the next 10 years or so, my group to meet them would be Barack Obama (whether he is President at the time or not), Michael Rapaport and U2. The whole band could be there, but really Bono and the Edge are we need. That being said, let me reiterate that I do not like Bono or the Edge all that much, but I would be incredibly incorrect to say that they should not be on the welcoming committee to meet aliens. That would be just wrong. Anyway, Rapaport should meet aliens and here is a perfect example why… HE MADE A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT A TRIBE CALLED QUEST! That right there is your Willy Wonka golden ticket to meet aliens.

So, this movie has been filled with some controversy. Instead of going through it bit by bit, I’ll just point you to this:

http://www.complex.com/music/2011/04/interview-michael-rapaport-addresses-a-tribe-called-quests-grievances-and-the-infamous-e-mail

It’s a long and very detailed account of the problems. The article came out in April. As far as I know not much has changed in the situation. It really is only Phife who is going around and supporting the movie with Michael. They all talk still over texts and stuff, but Phife and Michael are about the only ones who actually interact mano y mano. Just re-illustrate why Michael Rapaport should meet aliens… HE IS HANGING OUT WITH PHIFE FROM A TRIBE CALLED QUEST. I don’t think people realize how perfect Michael Rapaport would be to meet an intelligent life form from another planet. He goes around with a dude named Phife and currently has minor beef with a dude named Q-Tip, but Rapaport is real rational on how he deals with it.

I love it. I’ll probably end up renting this. A Tribe Called Quest is great music, so if you don’t know them then get into them.

Horrible Bosses

I like the idea for this movie and I like everyone in it. I really like that all the bosses are more famous than the main character to underlings. I also like Jamie Foxx having a small role in this. Why? Because I mother f’n love Jamie Foxx. Bateman is funny, Day is funny, Sudeikis is funny. Kevin Spacey is excellent as a bad guy boss. Anyone seen Swimming with Sharks? It’s about the best thing Kevin Spacey has done and that is including The Usual Suspects. Swimming with Sharks is fantastic. He is the biggest dickhead boss in that movie. Colin Farrell is a good choice and I like that he went all Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder and got ugled up for the role. Colin is good in comedies. I understand why they started making him into an action star, but he is better when he is allowed to be a fast talking prick. Why? Colin seems like a fast talking prick. One of my favorite movies with Colin Farrell in it is Intermission. Good flick. All Irish actors I believe and it’s a fun movie. Cilian Murphy, Colm Meaney, Kelly MacDonald… et cetera. As for Jennifer… well I would have a difficult time believing that if Jennifer was trying to have sex with me that I would be against it or felt like I was being hurt in some way. They’re really going to have to sell that story to get me to understand why Charlie Day doesn’t want her touching his privates because from where I’m sitting that would be a God send in life.

It looks good. It looks like it has a lot of promise. I haven’t been completely sold on a comedy this year outside of Hangover II and Bridesmaids. The rest seem like I could take them or leave them. None of them have really made me want to see them. Like Sudeikis’ movie with Owen Wilson Hall Pass. I’m mildly interested in seeing that at best. Or Bateman’s next movie with Ryan Reynolds The Change-Up. I’m mildly at best interested in seeing that. But Horrible Bosses I’ll go see. I’m hoping that it would turn out to be Dinner for Schmucks where it was an awkward fit and had a hard time telling its own story. This movie isn’t the most original as there are plenty of movies about friends killing someone in the other persons life as that person kills someone for them in their life… but I’m interested enough with the cast and from what I’ve seen that this could be good.

Zookeeper

Paul Blart: Zookeeper.

Or

Night at the Zoo-seum

Again, this does not look like the most intelligent or original movie. I’m sure Kevin James will fall around enough to make me giggle, but I’m never seeing this. I never saw Paul Blart: Mall Cop, which may dismay all of you. I like Kevin James a lot as a human being, but I’m not looking forward to this and won’t see it because I don’t have children. If I had children then I would totally see this. I’d see the shit out of it. But I don’t nor do I plan to have children by mid-July.

I’m very excited for Kevin James’ next movie – Here Comes the Boom.

It’s a stupid enough storyline about a biology teacher who moonlights as an MMA fighter. But what I like about this movie or concept is that Kevin James actually loves MMA and trains it. So, I’m kinda psyched to see what he does with it. There are several MMA fighters in the movie like Jason “Mayhem” Miller (guy from Bully Beatdown) and again I’m kinda psyched to see them acting in a big screen movie. As far as MMA movies go, they all suck, so Here Comes the Boom doesn’t have much to live up to. It can’t be any worse than Never Back Down which is probably the best MMA movie, which makes me cry as I type this.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2

THANK GOD!

I can’t wait for this movie. I can’t WAIT for this movie! Why? Because I never want to see another fucking Harry Potter movie EVER AGAIN. I’m so sick of these movies. I’m fucking tired of waiting around for these kids movies. It’s about the only kids movie I actively go see and I’m tired of being apart of this. Also, they’ve dicked over the fans of these movies in the past two movies with little to no action. They’ve been saying this for awhile, but this movie is supposed to be an all out gay wizard war. Why gay? Well they’re all British and foppish and there isn’t anyway to not look like you’re trying to be a stereotypical flaming homosexual when you’re using a wand. And zap! And zap you! And I’ll wave this around and zap you! It’s just not tough looking.

Anyway, I’ve enjoyed most of the Harry Potter (2, 3, 4, 5… 1, 6,7 not as much) and I’m fucking ready to see this EIGHTH movie and be done with it. I’m tired of Harry. I’m tired of ginger kid and his moping. I’m tired of all its Britishness. I hope to God Rowling doesn’t write any more of these books or screenplays for these movies. EIGHT movies is enough. It’s way too many. I’m not tired of Emma Watson, but I’m tired of her being in these PG movies. I want to see Emma Watson shedding her kiddy image and hopefully her clothes and get R rated.

What am I hoping for in this movie? Well, I’m hoping for 90 minutes of that end action scene between Dumbledore and Voldemort in the 5th movie. I want that scene, but I want that to be 90 minutes long. I want to walk out of the theaters being happy that I sat through all this and it ended with some wild ass explosions and lightning and so forth. I don’t even care if Harry wins. I’m not on his side anymore. I’m not rooting for him. I’m rooting for explosions. I’m rooting for the stunt team and its coordinators. I’m rooting for the nerds who handle the CGI. As for the rest… I hope they die in a big fire breathing dragon of magic explosion or something. Something cool better happen for 90 minutes.

Anyway…

I’ll continue with Part 2 tomorrow.

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Wednesday is generally my no post or short post day.

I am thoroughly open to GUEST POSTS, but for that I would need someone to step forward and GUEST POST.

As for tomorrow! I’m going to start my look at next month’s (July if you’re drunk and don’t know what month it is) movies. It will be a 2 parter and will end on Friday. So look forward to that… I know I am. I love movies… YES I DO… I love movies… EVEN IF THEY STINK LIKE POO POO.

Nevertheless, today I’m really too busy to post because my brain is being used two fold:

1. I’m watching President Barack Obama’s news conference.

2. I’m skimming through Zimbio.com’s gallery entitled “Hollywood’s Interconnected Love Lives”.

High brow… Lowest brow.

To start, Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff dated Aaron Carter when they were all underage… Hillary Duff then dated Joel Madden from Good Charlotte who then got together with Nicole Richie. Meanwhile Richie was with the late DJ AM who also at one time dated Mandy Moore “on and off” for almost 2 years. What?! Nothing against Mandy… actually everything against Mandy Moore – you dated DJ AM for almost 2 years? What the eff? But even better…

You may all remember this. I CERTAINLY DO. Wilmer Valderrama dated Mandy Moore and Lindsay Lohan… and I believe they were both BARELY LEGAL at those times. Tip of the hat to Wilmer on that. Also, there are rumors of him dating co-star Mila Kunis when they were on That 70’s Show and she was also quite young at that time too. Bully for Wilmer for not being in jail. But come on! Lindsay? Lindsay dating anyone is basically acceptable because we all think she is drunk and/or high on drugs at all times. But again? MANDY? Why the hell is Mandy dating these dudes?!

Anyway, I think the President handled a question on Libya amazingly well.

At first, Barack talked about how the operation has not resulted in any casualties on our side. There has been limited involvement by our troops. And pointed out how Gadhafi had been one of the main evils out there for years and he was now threatening to massacre his own people and it is crazy surprising to hear Republicans all of a sudden against removing this man from power or stopping a massacre. I enjoyed it. I think the Libya situation has been handled beautifully in my own opinion. This was a good time to step in. There is a chance to reshape the Northern coast of Africa from dictatorships to hopefully some type of democracy. That’s great. At the same time, in our 24 hour news cycle when the hottest issue at the time was the Libyan people and their potential massacre, I think the US had to step in and do something. Twitter, Facebook, and Youtube cannot be flooded with videos of mercenaries snipers killing Libyan people in the streets and CNN is talking about it all day every day – the US has to step in and do something about that.

The Libyan situation makes as much sense as Jake Gyllenhaal’s love life. Jake was hitting that Reese Witherspoon for awhile. She’s a good looking woman and who hasn’t had a crush on Reese at some point in time from one of her rom-coms. I mean I’ve seen “Cruel Intentions” and who didn’t want to bang her in that movie? Same goes for “Legally Blonde” or “Sweet Home Alabama”. So, she’s a good looking woman, but you’re also getting the chance to time-travel sex someone which doesn’t happen often. Then Jake takes a few weeks and gets to humpin’ America’s new sweetheart Taylor Swift. Now, Jake is apparently getting diz-own with Olivia Wilde. So basically this is a story of Jew boy done good… by his schmekel.

Joe Jonas looks like a creep. I’ve never really looked at the Jonas brothers or listened to their music. Nevertheless, Joe Jonas has supposedly bedded Taylor Swift, Ashley Greene, Demi Lovato, and Camilla Belle. That depresses me. It depresses me more than the economy depresses me. Does Joe Jonas always look this creepy? Is this what these chicks want? I get that he is famous and a musician and such, but his music as far as I know it’s kid’s music. Eh, whatever… it’s not like these chicks are using my logic when having sex with men. If they did then they would all be pining over Sven Ole Thorsen or they’d all go lesbian for each other. How much of a better picture would it make if Joe Jonas wasn’t in it at all? Taylor Swift and Ashley Greene as lezzies?! UNREAL. That would be too good to be true and sadly the truth is Joe Jonas.

The President is wrapping up it sounds like…

HE’S TALKING ABOUT THE FUTURE!

Anytime the President talks about the future, talks about the future longingly like a Normal Rockwell painting, that is when you know he is wrapping up. I wish I was as polished a speaker as President Obama. I wish every time I was wrapping up a conversation with anyone that I knew how to segue that lost topic of conversation, that last thought, into a hyperbolic and heart warming look into the future with somber undertones and pragmatism overtones. I wish I could do that.

I wish I could that the next time the President speaks I’m looking at a Zimbio gallery full of Hollywood’s Eskimo brothers and sisters and it makes sense to me. I wish that the President was talking about the successful withdrawal of our troops in Afghanistan. A withdrawal where we know we accomplished much and we still have tough times ahead in the region, but we are prepared to handle them now with what we set in place and how we helped train the Afghan people to answer their own problems. I hope that there isn’t another gorgeous young lady dating John Mayer that makes me want to tear my eyes out. I hope that. I hope that I don’t have to see two beautiful ladies that run through my dreams on either side of some douchebag actor or shitty musician. I hope that when I scan through these pictures that they make sense to me and that some will even inspire confidence in me about this future generation. I hope the gallery makes no mention of Kevin Connolly. If a woman, any woman, put forth a list describing the man she would to date or simply to have inside her on an occasion – at no point would there be a section of that list that would illustrate a ginger headed half man who has no talent to speak of. But if you dare name a beautiful young lass who has been famous in the past 20 years, there is about 1 in 5 chance that Connolly has slept with them. So, I am looking to a future where women will stop making that mistake. Where they will choose better, where they will maybe choose each other instead and then film it for the world to see. A world that hopefully will be a step closer to fixing the economy, a step closer to making us safer from terrorism and a step closer to making “pizza fried rice” a reality and not just a dream.

Thank you…

God bless.

Escape from side-control back to butterfly guard.

Escape from side-control back to butterfly guard into inverted armbar(s).

I got back to wrestling with men in pajamas today. It is exhausting. I hadn’t been to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class in two weeks. I went the Monday before my birthday and my back felt a little iffy the next morning plus I was tired, so I skipped class on Tuesday. My birthday was Wednesday, plus there are no classes on Wednesday. I skipped Thursday because I felt like it. And once Friday rolled around, I felt lazy and skipped it as well. Last week, I was sick and thought it best I didn’t spread my disease on them as well as I wasn’t feeling into it at all. Yesterday, I just didn’t go.

Today was the day.

It’s still exhausting shit. I also forgot my water bottle in my car and was too lazy to go get it. So when I needed a drink of water I ran to the bathroom and lapped some out of the faucet like a street urchin would.

Anyway, the side-mount escapes were what we learned today. I feel like chicks should do BJJ for 4 reasons:

1. It’s a great workout. There is absolutely no denying that. If you’re looking for an intense workout that is ever changing then this is it. The elliptical or a spin class or whatever can get redundant. Wrestling another human being and trying to submit them with martial arts is never the same moment to moment.

2. Rape. In all honesty, I can’t think of a better martial art to train to combat rape. You’re learning how to fight off your back, get back to your feet and all sorts of stuff like that. Generally speaking, the better you are at BJJ the more unlikely it will be for someone to be able to rape you and… the more ability you will have to rape someone else if you choose to. Think about that! Imagine some guy is getting too handsy and then BLAMO now you’re raping him! He wouldn’t see that coming. Oh what? I’m sorry you didn’t know I have a BJJ blackbelt and I took your back in one move and now you’re trapped and I’m raping you. SERVES YOU RIGHT! The old rape switcheroo – classic.

3. Who doesn’t want to be a ninja and roll around in a gi like a karate man?

4. Chicks wrestling other chicks is pretty hot.

Anyway… As the title suggests… at some point… I… will… talk… about… MARIA SHARAPOVA!

THAT TIME IS NOW!

So, Maria plays tennis if you did not know.

How pretty?! Maria is a very pretty lady and she plays tennis as mentioned before in the just above sentence.

Right now, Wimbledon is going on and Maria smoked some chick this morning 6-1, 6-1. In other directly related news, both Venus and Serena were knocked out of the tournament just the other day as well as #1 ranked chica in the world Caroline Wozniacki – she is also a very pretty lady. By the by, I would rather have sex with Serena Williams over Venus. Personality wise (yes, I’m talking personalities) I like Serena a BILLION times more. I find Venus off putting. She has this weird Whitney Houston/Michael Jackson oddness to her when she talks. I think that personality would also carry over to the sexing – if not magnified. So definitely Serena…

Very pretty.

Also, Serena has boobs and a butt. And they’re ENORMOUS! In my head, I imagine Oprah yelling ENORMOUS! They’re enormous. I would imagine having sex with Serena Williams would be like having sex with a goddess of war. Pick whichever goddess of war from different mythologies you would like, but Serena Williams could punch a hole through brick and she could do that also with a whip of her ass. Venus? Well, she’s tall and everything and skinny and whatever, but you’re not going to come across another Serena Williams in your lifetime. I also think Serena has the prettier face and smile. So there’s that. And I generally root for her when the sisters play against each other. Did you know they grew up with Andy Roddick? Andy Roddick seems like a tool and I feel like Venus hung out a lot with Andy and Serena was younger, so she didn’t hang out as much, so she’s not a tool.

What does this have to do with fair Maria?!

Oh SWEET MARIA!

Anyway, I think Maria will Wimbledon. There are some other talented ladies in the tournament still (Marion Bartoli), but with the way Maria is playing and the fact that the usuals who beat her are not in the tournament anymore… I think sweet Maria will take home that big dish they get. The chicks get the dish, right? The guys get a trophy and the girls get a dish? Yeah, that’s not sexist.

Anyway, I wanted to show these pretty pretty pretty pictures of Maria like this one…

Oh look at Maria laugh. It’s such a wonderful sight!

I wanted to show these pictures because as pretty as some of the ladies are in tennis (I think it is probably the best looking and highest profile sport for women… for men they’re pretty good looking as well, but there are some good looking dudes in other sports too, so I’m not sure – will need to investigate further I suppose), when those pretty ladies are playing tennis…

They don’t look so pretty…

KI-YAH!

Or…

It’s like Maria is pooping an invisible horse.

Not so pretty. Also, absolutely ridiculous.

You can’t poop a visible horse never less an invisible one. Silly Maria.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….

UHHHHHHHHHH….

UHHHHHHHHHH…..

So that’s the creepiest picture ever. It’s as if the photographer caught Maria mid transformation between her regular prettiness into her morphing into Arnold Schwarzenegger. Which honestly who knew she could do that? It’s quite a talent as unattractive as it looks.

Whatever fart she is ripping right hear may be louder than the grunts she makes.

Have you ever heard this woman grunt?

She apparently has the highest recorded grunt at the US Open or something at over 100 decibels, which is louder than motorcycle.

For the sake of humanity and her neighbors, I hope she doesn’t do that in bed. If she does I would imagine it is like having sex with a hell hound like Cerberus. UUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!! WHHHHHARRRRRRWWUUUUUUUAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Most be hard to keep yourself hard thinking that the Devil is talking to you through your celebrity sex mate.

I know some people don’t like the grunts in tennis… although I do find them to be silly I do like them.

If you’re playing a sport or doing a physical activity, if you’re really pushing yourself – you look like a damn idiot.

That is for sure. You can’t look cool and also be pushing yourself to your physical limit. It’s impossible to do both at the same time. In tennis they are putting it all into those shots and then they grunt like they just passed a kidney stone the size of Mt. Rushmore or shit a sack of bricks. I’d rather them try their best and look like fools then look cool and play half assed.

Anyway… more than anything it is just funny knowing that these pretty ladies can sound like more terrifying than the T-Rex in Jurassic Park.

Either way, I’m rooting for Maria to grunt her way to the finals and win.

To be honest, I have no idea why the title of this post is so dramatic.

It kind of got a way from me. I should title it something about the weekend being over, but I need to make it catchy. Let’s go for the Lifetime movie of the week subtitle following the colon to really seal the deal. That was a lot of “ea” in a row. Anyway, how was my weekend? What did I do this weekend?

Well…

It is none of your God damned business!

Actually, I drank a lot of beer like a lot of it. Like I was on the most ill advised diet plan where my only source of calories comes from beers. I also watched pretty much all of those fights. I didn’t watch the Strikeforce fights because I was visiting friends and they’re too cheap to get Showtime for one night when I come to visit. I mean really! So, we settled for watching the fights on Saturday night while I tweet tweet tweeted for @MTVClutch. Then on Sunday I came home and watched the UFC fights in all their splendid wacky insanity that they were.

In between all of this, I drank so many Shock Top Belgian white beers. I had seen someone else recently drinking those bad boys at a barbecue I was at and I respect said drinker’s opinion drinking, so I bought a case. Solid stuff. If you like the Belgian White as in you like Hoegarrden or however you spell it then try out Shock Top. It is from Missouri I believe and it was a nice premium styled beer, but definitely light and citrusy enough to be a summer style beer. I imagine you can also go all Blue Moon or Hoegarrden with this beer and pour it into a glass and slice up an orange or a lemon into it, but that is a lot of work and a lot of produce for a guy like me who is attempting to drink a case of it to my dome.

Also, I played miniature golf. Yep. Hadn’t played mini-golf in years, but ended up playing it on Saturday. There’s a nice park with a mini-golf course in it right in center city Philadelphia. There’s a fountain as well. It’s a nice spot. Of course, our main attraction was the golf course, the mini-golf course. We even put a little wager on it. The loser must eat dirt. … … Well, we revised that after a minute of thinking about it and remember how close to 30 we are and that just doesn’t seem like a wager you put on a mini-golf game between late 20’s gentlemen. The overall loser pays for dinner. The 1st place loser who came in second overall pays for post-mini-golf ice cream. Yeah, that’s right. Three late 20’s guys were out in center city Philadelphia on a weekend in the sunshine playing miniature golf followed by some delicious ice cream. Try and make fun of that!

You know what? You can’t!

What are you going to do? Call us gay? Gay?! When have gays ever been known for being miniature golf enthusiasts? Never. Oh, are you going to try and make a joke that gays love sticking their balls into holes? That joke doesn’t even make that much sense. Do you have a concept of how gay sex works? Unless the hole is the one guy’s mouth then that happens for a period of time until they get back to putting the penis section of the penis back into the hole. Secondly, if you are thinking that the one guy sticks his balls into the other guy’s butthole hole then that definitely doesn’t happen on any regular percentage among gay men having sex. Seriously, that one guy would have to have the stretchiest butthole ever. And the other guy must have forgotten that he really doesn’t get too much pleasure out of sticking his balls into things nearly as much as the other part of his penis known as the penis. So, that joke doesn’t make any sense. There are a set of activities that gay men take part in on such a regular basis that it has become part of their stereotype – Broadway shows, dance clubs, decorating, shopping, putting another man’s penis inside of themselves. As far as I remember, unless that ice cream was roofied, we did not do any of the previously mentioned.

If you said – mini-golf is lame. You’re an idiot. Mini-golf is not lame. Who are you trying to fool? Do you think anyone is impressed with your “mini-golf is lame” comments? Because they are not, mainly because no one shares that particular sentiment.

So, that’s what happened.

Also, there was a wedding at the mini-golf course. This only adds to my list of “random ass places I have seen weddings at in Philadelphia”. I saw two weddings at Pat’s Cheesesteaks when I lived in Philly. For people who don’t know Pat’s, imagine a food truck that serves Cheesesteaks 24 hours a day. Now imagine that food truck had no tires and was stationary on a cement island. Now imagine that cement island is made an island because on all sides it is surrounded by the piss of a 1000 drunk Philadelphians. That’s Pat’s.

If anyone takes you to Philly and says they are going to get you a “real Philly cheesesteak” and you wind up at Pat’s and Gino’s on the corner of Passyunk and I think 8th or 9th then that person has brought you to the shittiest two cheesesteak places in Philadelphia. I mean they’re both famous, but not because they have good cheesesteaks. They’re famous because they’re open 24 hours, they’re across the street from each other and people fight there because they’re usually shit faced drunk. Also, it’s pretty cheap. But their cheesesteaks are pretty garbage. It’s more of an experience than fine dining.

Anyway, that was random. I’m biased, but I think the best cheesesteak is Larry’s on 54th and City line. I may be biased, but that is easily one of the best cheesesteaks in that damn city. People like Tony Luke’s and they’re good. People like Jim’s, but again that is more of a tourist trap than a great cheesesteak. They don’t melt the cheese in that place – what kind of savages don’t melt cheese? It only takes a second or two. Of course, you can always go to Barclay Prime in Rittenhouse square and get the $100 cheesesteak that is topped with a lobster tail and comes with a small bottle of champagne.

Fuck… now I want a cheesesteak.

Let’s end this post on a lighter note…

I read this article on Yahoo the other day – http://health.yahoo.net/experts/menshealth/top-5-killers-of-men

THE TOP 5 KILLERS OF MEN!

Generally, speaking I initially thought the #1 killer of men would be WOMEN and the #2 killer of men would be OTHER MEN. But I was wrong… or was I? I feel like all these “killers” can be indirectly related to either women or eating too many cheesesteaks. This is just a theory, but go with it.

#5 – Stroke

Apparently, dudes under 45 are having strokes too, which isn’t good news. It has a lot to do with blood pressure apparently.

What raises a guy’s blood pressure the most? Women. Women get all crazy and get paranoid and get into fights with their completely innocent men and that drives the man’s blood pressure through the roof causing him to have a stroke at an early age. Also, eating a lot of cheesesteaks raises your blood pressure because your blood is clogged with cheesesteaks.

#4 – Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease – COPD

I’m sure you’ve seen all those commercials about talking to your doctor about COPD. It’s pretty much you dying from smoking. And we all know why men smoke? Women. Women want a cool guy/bad boy and who is the cool guy/bad boy – the Marlboro Man. So guys are smoking to look cool because they want to get the ladies. Also, once they get the ladies the ladies are crazy, so then they need to smoke more cigarettes to get some relief from all the craziness. This is making it a race between COPD or stroke to kill the man quickest. As for cheesesteaks, eating a good cheesesteak is about as satisfying as sex, so after a good cheesesteak you may need to have a smoke.

#3 – Accidents

Accidents? Accidents, you say? I call that booby traps. And booby traps are called that because women have boobies and they were the ones who set the traps. These are all ingenious traps that women have set-up to kill a man or many men. And it’s really just that simple. Guys don’t simply fall from ladders or get into car crashes from a tire blowing out… The woman rigged the tire and ladder to fail at the most destructive moments and that is why those men are dead… God have mercy on their souls. As for cheesesteaks, the more you eat cheesesteaks the more prone you are to dying from an accident. If you eat a cheesesteak you are sluggish. You are not moving at 1/2 speed in every area of your body including your brain. Your neurons are firing at 1/2 speed meaning you are more susceptible to a woman’s death trap.

#2 – Cancer

No one knows the cause of cancer… so it’s women. They cause it or they create with their witch magic. It’s something as simple as that. As for cheesesteaks, they taste so damn good they have to be cancerous. I guess what I’m saying is that the women of this world invented cheesesteaks.

#1 – Heart Disease

Well, the cheesesteak thing is pretty obvious. Cheesesteaks are the kryptonite of hearts.

As for women, they wear down a man’s heart. I believe it is not so much heart “disease” as much as it is a “broken heart”. Men just give so much love to their ladies and their ladies just ask for so much more and then stomp on it that it breaks men’s hearts. It is really a tragic tale.

So, Happy Monday you man killers.

Eat a cheesesteak. I so want a cheesesteak.

What did you do this weekend?

 

It is Friday.

You have survived.

Yet… AGAIN!

Well, done. Congratulate yourself on this one. Give yourself a pat on the back, a pat on the inner-thigh, maybe even a little tickle between the legs. No one is looking. Both man and woman alike enjoy a good tickle in between the legs. But nothing more for the moment, there could be someone watching. Any more than a tickle and they’ll know something weird is going down. I don’t know if you’re at home, work, on a bus, in a helicopter, laying naked and sweaty and covered in your lover’s orgasm and reading this on your smart phone or tablet and in any of these cases… someone could be watching!

But probably not. I’m just saying there is a small percentage chance someone is currently watching you no matter where you are. Hidden camera, hiding in a closet, maybe even in the ceiling or a crawl space in the walls. People do some weird things.

Weird things like… FURRIES!

In Pittsburgh, PA there are two events taking place:

1. The UFC, as mentioned in yesterday’s post, are having fights on Sunday night in Pittsburgh at the Consol Energy Center where the Penguins play. The Penguins being the hockey team and not just random penguins that may be about in the city of Pittsburgh. Those fights will also air on Versus for free for you and me and everyone else.

2. There is a furry convention happening this weekend at the hotel the fighters are staying at.

COINCIDENCE?!

Probably.

So far a few fighters have taken pictures of said “furries”, but I haven’t seen the “UFC fighter + furry” pictures I’m hoping to see. Mostly because these guys are there to fight and they have to weigh in on Saturday, so most of them are miserable from heavy dieting. But there needs to be these pictures. It’s just too funny.

Anyway…

It is FRIDAY and with that I had one question that I know of this week…

That question or more a request for me to review the Killer Elite trailer…

Wow…

That…

Looks…

TERRIBLE.

But that’s what I expect from Jason Statham and all his movies nowadays. If a trailer starts and there is a gun in it and Jason Statham is doing his inappropriate sex caller huff-n-puff voice then that movie will be terrible. Regardless of how many mustaches Clive Owen has in the movie as well.

If Clive Owen had 8 mustaches in this movie, I would still think it looks terrible.

This is the movie’s description:

Based on a true story, “Killer Elite” races across the globe from Australia to Paris, London and the Middle East in the action-packed account of an ex-special ops agent (Jason Statham) who is lured out of retirement to rescue his mentor (Robert De Niro). To make the rescue, he must complete a near-impossible mission of killing three tough-as-nails assassins with a cunning leader (Clive Owen).

BRILLIANTLY… terrible. Do you want to know another mark of a terrible movie, besides Statham and his constipated grumbles, if the description of the movie features no names. None at all. That is not a good sign. Reason being, no one in the movie has a name worth remembering or pointing out.

I am violently fascinated with the 5 words that begin that paragraph though… Based on a true story… And whose story is that? Because NONE of the things in that trailer happened in real life. If they meant “based on a true story” meaning that they based this movie on other actions movies that have been made previously and now they are making their bastard version of it then sure. But at no point in time was there a bald British man tied to a chair in the middle of the day with a mustached British man holding a gun to his head and having a tit-for-tat conversation until the man strapped to the chair used his whirling Kung Fu legs to defeat said mustached man with his gun and then turned and ran and jumped out a window all while tied to a chair. None of that happened. NONE.

Also, if this movie is “based on a true story” and that story is that a special ops guy is being chased around the globe by a league of assassins who then take his mentor and he has to kill said assassins and rescue his mentor… then every movie ever made with a GUN in it is “based on a true story”. All of them. Also, martial arts. From here on out… all MARTIAL ARTS movies are “based on a true story”.

Outside of that, the best part of the trailer was them trying to disguise The Scorpions’ “Rock You Like A Hurricane” for a minute of the trailer until they opened up in to it. Just incredible. Classy ass Scorpions.

Lastly, the only mark of a bad movie you really need to know is its due date – September whatever.

September is a dump month. Like February. You best be leery of any movie that comes out in September. Especially movies that look like they should have come out during other parts of the year. This is an action movie. If it was any good it would come out with the other action movies. But it is September and September movies by and large BLOW.

Speaking of September movies… I am keeping my eye on this one…

Oh he is so handsome. Yes, Ryan Gosling is in a movie called Drive.

The description is thus – A Hollywood stunt performer who moonlights as a wheelman discovers that a contract has been put on him after a heist gone wrong.

I want to be into this because I like the premise and I like Ryan and I do so want to like the director Nicolas Winding Refn.

But lets look at the facts again… the movie is coming out in September. No names in the description. The storyline also sounds pretty f’n similar to Jason Statham’s Transporter movies.

As far as the director, Nicolas Winding Refn. I have seen three of his movies – the famous ones. Pusher, Bronson, Valhalla Rising. Nicolas can make a good looking movie. That’s his area of expertise. The storylines? Not really the best. Pusher was good and at points random, but overall it was a B or maybe B-. It is a gangster film, but it’s good especially for a first movie. Bronson is an interesting movie. Tom Hardy is great in it. A lot of the set pieces of the movie are great and there are a lot of cool scenes, but overall what in the fuck is that movie about? It’s a crazy movie and everything and Tom Hardy is nude throughout it and there is a good deal of violence, but a plot? What’s the story arch? There really isn’t any. But I would still give it a B because overall it kept my attention and was interesting and such. Then there was Valhalla Rising, the first 5-10 minutes was good and then everything past that was disaster. It took me multiple viewings to even sit through the movie it is so dull and boring.

So, I’m hoping Drive will be good because the trailer looks interesting and it looks shot well like his Nic’s other movies. But who knows?

Anyway…

Have a great weekend.

Try to do something you’ve never done before like dress up in an animal costume and have sex with someone wearing another animal costume.

Just a thought…

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Yep.

I really can’t get a hold of anything I feel like talking about this week.

Truthfully, there are different topics circling above my greasy bed head hair, but nothing that I feel snatching, snapping the neck of, plucking the feathers from, and then roasting over a fire on a spit and then sinking my teeth into.

Clarence Clemons died and that sucks, but I don’t feel like talking about it.

Ryan Dunn died and that sucks too, and if you are/were a facebook friend of mine (which you certainly can be for a small fee) or a twitter follower of mine then you would know my thoughts on his death. Well, one thought or two thoughts. I’m sad he’s gone and in some sick way you have to laugh at the idea that Roger Ebert made a pun about his death. A pun?!

Roger Ebert is an asshole. But we knew that already. Jaw or no jaw, he’s still a pompous asshole.

I just saw “Whitey” Bulger got caught. If you don’t know who he is then go Wikipedia him because it’s an interesting read. It will read just as well and I think better than any gangster film put out by Martin Scorcese.

What is there to talk about?

President Barack Obama gave us his plan for troop withdrawal from Afghanistan last night. That was nice of him, I thought.

The First Lady Michelle Obama is in Africa with her and Barack’s daughters and they’re going around and reading books to children at schools. Sounds all well and wonderful like everything else that mahogany angel does. I have seen a fair amount of criticism for Michelle over the past couple years about all these things that she does and I can’t understand it. She wants the children of this world to eat better and not have diabetes and not be fat curmudgeons like most of their parents. I don’t understand where or why or how you could criticize that. Michelle’s other initiative is to promote education. How dare she?! And if they don’t criticize her about that then if she travels to Spain and stays at a nice hotel they criticize her as a “modern day Marie Antoinette” – that is from the New York Daily News. I’m not exactly sure where people think the WIFE of the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA should spend her nights in a foreign country, but I would highly doubt she should be a youth hostel just because the “economy is bad”. The economy isn’t so bad that Rupert Murdoch or Ted Turner or Donald Trump or whoever are now bunking together in motel 6s when they’re on the road doing whatever they do together on the road.

In my opinion, if you criticize Michelle Obama you should be beaten with whiffle ball bats filled with concrete by a band of fat children with an early on set of diabetes and when they run out of steam and are near heart attack that is when you are thrown into a pit where 2 on 2 animal versus animal fights happen all around – snakes vs. roosters, snapping turtles vs. rabies ridden raccoons.

Not to point fingers, but we did have a First Lady not too long ago who actually killed a guy and I don’t remember this type of criticism. I wonder how many other First Ladies have killed people? Nancy, Martha, Barbara, Hillary, Jacqueline? Hmmmm…

Where are the other stories?!

Tobey Maguire as well as some other celebrities (about 20) are being sued by the government for their illegal poker winnings in California. Maguire is being sued for more than $300,000. My response? GOOD! Fuck poker. Poker is boring as shit. No wonder cowboys in the wild west were killing each other all the time. They had guns at their hips and their free time was spent playing poker. I’d kill a man too if the only way I could let off steam from being a cowboy was to sit down and play the most boring ass card game that takes a million hours to finish. Poker is the dumbest too. It is utterly worthless.

Do you want to know a trick about telling if something is worthwhile or not? Look at the professionals of it. Look at the cream of the fucking crop and see who they are and if they look like people you want to be then it is worthwhile. No one looks worse than poker players. Sure there is a diamond in the rough, the exception that proves the rule and if you dug deep enough you could find me a poker player that is someone you might want to aspire to be… but the rest – nope. They all look date rapists. Even the women. That’s a strong statement when even the women of the profession look like they’re date rapists. If you have never seen “Poker After Dark” on NBC then you don’t have a sleeping disorder… but if you do see it – not one of those people looks like a trustworthy individual. They’re all shady scamps who would sell their own mothers out for a buffalo nickel.

What else… oh right?! DATE RAPE!

Did anyone else read the first few pages of Bristol Palin’s autobiography?

*SPOILER ALERT* Bristol is claiming that Levi filled her full of wine coolers (knowingly) and then filled her full of his seed (unknowingly). Yep, Levi apparently date raped Bristol. Following said date rape, Bristol’s immediate thought was that she was going to have to marry Levi now. Also, she says it was her virginity as well that he took in that tent after the wine coolers.

I’m sorry if any of that is true… but I have a hard time believing any of it is. There really is two schools of thought about this if it is true:

1. Bristol did not tell her parents about any of this. And for the shame she thought she would bring upon her family she decided to stay with the date rapists who impregnated her. Also, I guess she knew immediately she was with child like a Spider-Man sixth sense thing. Maybe not. Maybe she just needed to stay with guy who wrongfully took her virginity and then she just was guessing he could have knocked her up as well. Also also, she says she wakes up in this tent and there were signs that they had sex and her friend comes in the tent and is like you two totally had sex. Anyway, couldn’t he have used a condom? It doesn’t go into any detail maybe later in the book they get into that… but anyone I’m rambling about scenario #1.

2. Bristol told her parents. Sarah and Tod though it best that while Sarah was Governor and then later was running for VP that they should continue this mascaraed as the perfect American family and bring along ole’ date rapey Levi to make the pictures look better regardless of what Bristol thought about things. That’s strange isn’t it?

3. Fuck the Palins and fuck “Teen Mom” for not getting together and having Bristol on that show. Oh man, that would’ve been great and saved us a lot of trouble with Sarah. Sarah doesn’t want to be a politician. She actually isn’t a politician. But she does love being on TV and “Teen Mom” would have provided her that. Her and Bristol would’ve been huge on that show!

Anyway… the book sounds like it gets off to a page turning start.

What else?

BOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKSSSSSS

I’ve been reading my ass off like I’m some sexually curious, but shy teenage girl who is spending the summer at her grand parents log cabin and her only outlet for her burgeoning hormones are stacks and stacks of young adult fiction like worn VC Andrews paperbacks.

I finished “Game of Thrones” and immediately started on the second book “Clash of the Kings” in this “A Song of Ice and Fire” book series. Obviously, it is more exciting reading this second book than the first because I started reading the first about 7 episodes into the “Game of Thrones” TV series. I think both the book and the shows have their own merit and I have a difficult time saying one is better than the other.

The show has definitely made changes to the book and some of those changes I think are for the better and some are for the worse. For instance, Arya’s “dancing teacher” Syrio who was actually teaching the young girl how to fight with a sword – his look is better in the show than the book. In the book, he is a spindly old bald man. In the show, he looks like Antonio Banderas’ uncle. I don’t know what Antonio Banderas’ real uncle looks like, but I would guess he looks like that guy. But at the same time, the fight scene that Syrio has in the book to save Arya is much better than the show’s version. The show doesn’t do a bad job, but he certainly appears much more fearsome in the book than in the show.

I’m like a 100 pages so far into the second book and they are going back and forth between the castles and it’s great, but what about the motherfucking DRAGONS?! They better have a chapter come soon from Dany’s perspective so I can hear about dem dragons or I’m going to lose it. The chick’s got 3 dragons and there hasn’t been a peep yet!

And for all of you who are fans of Peter Dinklage and Tyrion from the first season of “Game of Thrones”, well he gets even better in the second book. As seen in the last episode of the show, Tyrion will now be the “Hand of the King”. The King he is the Hand to is his nephew that he famously slapped around in an earlier episode, and you can venture to guess he doesn’t do exactly what the King wants him to do while he is the new Hand. Anyway, this shit is good and he has beard.

What else? What else? What else?

Transformers 3 doesn’t come out until next week, so I’ll save that for next week.

There are fights FIGHTS F-I-G-H-T-S! on Friday, Saturday and Sunday on TV.

Friday night – Showtime

Saturday night – MTV 2

Sunday night – Versus

If you can only watch ONE then I would choose Sunday night and Versus. If you can only watch TWO then watch Versus and watch MTV 2. If you have Showtime then just DVR that bad boy and watch that later. Why do I have to do all your thinking for you?!

Anyway…

Questions…

Comments…

Wishes…

Hopes…

Dreams…

Haikus…

Pledges of Fealty…

Goodbye…

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